Bachelorette Becca recap: Men Tell All through tears

Bachelorette Becca, Men Tell All

Our favorite men are back to tell it all. And by “tell it all” I mean cry about it all while wearing brightly patterned jackets and pedal pushers.

When Our Host Chris Harrison takes the stage, it’s clear that his good taste has gone unnoticed before this crop of bachelors vying to find love or fifteen minutes of Instagram fame. Harrison is poised, sovereign, and has clearly taken on a patriarchal role among this rag-tag band of yahoos.

The purple tie says it all. He regally commands the stage as he sits on his throne next to the hot seat. Gone are the days when he invited the normal ousted bachelors to join his exclusive entourage. That club is closed. There’s no room for shiny underwear and bare ankles.

Let the record show that I fully support this decision. It’s a new dawn. A new day. A new life. And I’m feeling good.

But before Our Host Chris Harrison expertly wrangles a gathering of hormonal men, we are treated to a special sneak peek of this season’s Bachelor in Paradise. Here’s what we learn:

  • “It’s about to get coconuts!” is the new “aco taco.” Good to know.
  • Krystal no longer suffers from the nodes. Miracles do happen!
  • “Yes, yes, pinch the nipple, please,” is a phrase uttered more than once. Bless.
  • It looks like taxidermy Kendall is in a love triangle with Leo and Grocery Store Joe.
  • The Chicken still hates Jordan.
  • Apparently one of the Russian islanders might be a witch. My guess is that she’s a Hufflepuff alumna because someone from Gryffindor would never choose to find love in Paradise.
  • Colton, Tia, and Crazy Eddie seem to be in a love triangle, too.
  • Ben Higgins wears a mariachi outfit and shouts out into the ocean that he is unlovable. Sure, sure.
  • Lauren and Arie are there as well. It makes zero sense, but I’ll allow it.
  • Robby and Jordan have a Zoolander stare-off. I can’t wait.
  • Evan and Carley and Jade and Tanner all visit with their offspring. Let’s lather those babies up with antibacterial hand sanitizer, okay?
  • Raven: “I’m back in Paradise where I had my first orgasm.” 1.) We don’t need nor do we want to know that. Also, has she broken up with Adam? Or is she on the adjacent island with people like Ben Higgins and the married couples?
  • Ashley I-Lashes and Jared get engaged.
  • Tear Count: Kendall, the Russian witch, Colton, Tia, one of the babies, the girl who was traumatized on bumper cars, Bibiana, Eric, the hot Canadian bachelor, and Chelsea/Olivia (aka Cholivia)

Bachelor in Paradise season 5: Glitter bombs and waterworks. Sounds fabulous!

Okay, back to the panel. Like any producer who graduated from the Academy of Mike Fleiss, we begin our show with a Jordan highlight reel, where we once again learn that professionality is attached to Jordan’s face. We revisit the JB cologne “I love you just kidding” debacle, and Wills politely asking Crazy Eddie to leave his woman alone.

Instead of asking Crazy Eddie why he’s sporting a thin teenage mustache, Our Host gives Chris the opportunity to explain what was up with his emotional breakdowns and rage. Chris admits that watching the wheels fall off his bus was tough and he apologizes to everyone for being a jack wagon. Smart.

Harrison then moves on to JB, providing him the chance to justify his actions the day he was kicked to the curb. Surprisingly, Colton jumps in with his shiny black suit and starts dropping f-bombs left and right, perturbed that JB wasn’t there for the right reasons (right reasons). You NEVER tell a woman you love her if you don’t really love her. That word is S-A-C-R-E-D.

After a solid five-minute squabble, Harrison switches gears to Jordan and sits back to watch the entertainment unfold before him. Let me boil this down for you: Everyone thinks Jordan is an obnoxious chach, excluding Grocery Store Joe. He likes everyone.

They give Jordan an estimated thirty minutes of screen time. We watch as he argues, interrupts, flips people off, picks a fight with the soccer guy who wore a tuxedo on the top and gaucho pants on the bottom.

It was a lot of Jordan. Although he is annoying as all get out, he did have some memorable one-liners:

  • I’m the mouse and they are the elephant.
  • I’m taking up real estate in their minds.
  • David, would you like to fall in or jump in?
  • If I walked around as a hologram of a man or a skeleton of a man, is someone going to brand me?
  • What’s your name Tuxedo?
  • High waters? Really?
  • I’ll take the last word: F you, f you, you’re a b!t@h, f you, not you Grocery Store Joe. You’re cool.
  • I’m not 007 all the time.
  • My groin is worth gold.
  • I’d have the best time in a cardboard box.
  • I’ll do what I want. I’ll eat Capt’n Crunch and mix it with orange juice.

Grocery Store Joe is up next in the hot seat and he is adorable. His smile is fabulous and I kind of liked his “aw shucks” attitude. Although he didn’t talk a lot, we learn that Joe will be bringing his produce to Paradise and he might/maybe/may have found love. Mazel tov!

Wills is up next. He inaugurates the phrase of the night, which was: “Tell my truth.” He loved Becca. She didn’t love him back. She had to live her truth. He is now living his truth in a Christmas plaid jacket with red shoes. Tis the season.

Colton makes his way to the hot seat and Chris Harrison immediately brings up Tia. Colton wants everyone to know that he was telling his truth and he loved Becca. He doesn’t blame her for thinking Tia was a red flag because that’s her speaking her truth. No one is at fault.

Also, he wants you to quit virgin-shaming him. He is just speaking a different truth. Jordan wants Colton to know that he sees him. And his truths. #respect

Finally, Jason hops onto the stage. His hair is a little shorter and less greasy. I’m so, so proud. That’s my truth. When Harrison tells him his chemistry with Becca was undeniable, Jason starts crying. He doesn’t care that he’s now known as one of the best kissers in Bachelor history. Jason just needs this time to tell his truth. He loved Becca and wishes her happiness.

When Becca takes the stage in her Black Widow outfit, she admits that saying good-bye to Jason was the hardest good-bye. That sucks for whoever ends up as number two, but that’s neither here nor there. She is rooting for Jason to live his truth, she adores Jordan for speaking his truth, and doesn’t care when JB gives her another bottle of perfume made of tears, bits of red rose petals, and regret.

As far as Colton goes, she does not blame Tia for the breakup, nor does she blame Colton’s virginity. You guys, she’s totally dated virgins before. His name was Ross and they were junior high sweethearts.

Crazy Eddie gives a heartfelt apology (his truth) and summons a gospel quartet to come out and sing and original “I’m Sorry” song to Becca. She loves it and accepts his apology, thus solidifying our assumption that Richard Marx is the best songwriting teacher in the world.

Photo By: ABC.com

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Rachel
Rachel

This is my truth- you always make me laugh. And also- Jason for Bachelor! (insert drooling, heart eye emojis)

Holly
Holly

Yes, Jason for Bachelor only with a contract stipulation that he continues to be monitored with any and all hair gel use! He looked so much better on the MTA!

Valerie
Valerie

haa that is a good one! I LOVE Jason!

Dee
Dee

Agree: JASON FOR BACHELOR!!

deelyla
deelyla

100% Jason for Bachelor!!!!!!!!!!!!! He’s been my pick since day 1!!!! This man deserves LOVE!!! 🙂

deelyla
deelyla

I haven’t watched it yet but I’m sure it wasn’t nearly as interesting as your recap. 🙂

Allison
Allison

This was definitely the most emotional Men Tell All, and not in a good way — these guys need to get a grip!!! Way to make Becca glad she didn’t pick any of you!! And for all the guys that hated Jordan, sorry, he was still far more entertaining than you were, even if he is a total chach!

Holly
Holly

I said it on Twitter and I’ll say it here: Jordan is BachelorNation GOLD. Thanks for the recap – Amazing as always!

baseballmama
baseballmama

Is Chris the jerk guy in the Farmers Only commercial. The guy in the convertible? Everytime the commercial comes on I say look there is Chris. No one around me knows or cares. haha

Cindy S.
Cindy S.

I just Googled it. I don’t think it is. But he does favor him for sure!

DonnaMarie
DonnaMarie

What is the Farmers Only commercial?

Kelli
Kelli

Farmers Only dot Com–a dating site. Their commercials used to reference Prince Farming (Chris Soules) indirectly.

Cindy S.
Cindy S.

Wait a minute….who was it that shamed on Colton by saying he was a ‘cat name’ because he’d never seen a ‘cat name’? Wasn’t that Jordan? If so, so much for respect there bro. Uncalled for. I’ll have to go back and watch it again.

Rosa
Rosa

I think Jordan did say that, and Colton calls him out on that, but later Jordan sort of apologized when saying he “sees him”!?

Julie
Julie

Yes, Jordan said that, I know because I had to rewind it back to make sure I heard correctly! Talk about hitting below the belt Jordan

Scooby Snaxx
Scooby Snaxx

No, it was Jean-Blanc. Or Jean Blanc. I’ve never been clear on whether Blanc is part of his first name or is his last name.

Tiffany
Tiffany

It was definitely Jordan as I caught it the moment he said it and thought it was a low blow. However, I was really caught by surprise at the naughty words coming out of Colton’s mouth towards Jordan as I had always thought of him as sweet and this was not a side I remembered from the shows.

Deb
Deb

It was Jean Blanc.

Deebee

No it was Jean Blanc. And later when Colton was in the “hot seat,” the camera panned to JB when Colton mentioned how hurt he was by nasty comments re his virginity.

Carrie
Carrie

it was Jean Blanc

Julie
Julie

My bad, it WAS JB. I didn’t realize how totally douchey he was until MTA. Was he also trying to pitch a fragrance line during the episode?!?!

Scooby Snaxx
Scooby Snaxx

Jordan is totally the new Ashley I in terms of who’s gonna get some longevity in this franchise. Wouldn’t you love to see a romance between him and Krystal on Paradise? When narcissists collide…

On another note, Grocery Joe was so awkwardly cute. It was refreshing to see someone who had no idea what to do in front of a camera.

Dee
Dee

Grocery Joe is the cutest! I agree that it was fun watching him on MTA. Glad he came back!

Macedonian Hussy
Macedonian Hussy

Scooby, your dry wit is so keenly sharp, zeroing in like that…. Bet Lincee is proud of you. “When narcissists collide”– I guess we all remember Krystal well.

I had hoped Joe would be the next Bachelor. He reminds me of an old boyfriend, an ex-Seal Team One guy Coronado in the 1960s (yup I’m that old but ain’t dead), the same strapping frame, face, smile, cool self-effacing manner, and quite the opposite of Jordan. Never got to see Episode one when Joe was sent home so I first saw him on The Men Tell All. It’s a shame he isn’t the next Bachelor but willing to join Team Jason. He is a gentleman and oh so suave. He was my favorite for Becca.

abby
abby

Haha “this is my truth” about Jason’s hair was hilarious…something that jumped out to me was that Colton ruined any chance he may have had to be the Bachelor last night. Maybe he isn’t truly in the running to be the Bach (I wouldn’t be too excited about a season revolving around him), and maybe he “found love” on Paradise so that this isn’t an issue…but, to the extent he was still hoping to be the Bach even after Paradise (a la Nick), he should have kept his mouth shut. I agreed with many of his sentiments, but his delivery was really unimpressive. He seemed like a hothead and couldn’t keep himself from cussing left and right. I was never an active fan of his, but he turned me off even more last night. And he didn’t actually have tears when he was talking about being a virgin…I think he was purposely trying to make people feel sorry for him (e.g., “I think people think I’m less of a man…sniffle, sniffle”…give me a break!)

Sheila Brown
Sheila Brown

I wondered if all the f bombs were to show Bachelor Nation that he’s not “less of a man” because he’s a virgin?
Also, did anyone else notice that Becca never said she respected his choice to be a virgin, only that she “would never hold it against him”? She said it on their date, then again on MTA.
Weird choice of words, Becca.

abby
abby

Good point about him trying to show what a “man” he is with his attitude and word choice. And I agree about Becca’s way of handling the news all-around…I was turned off by her decision to walk away from the table, and she didn’t overly impress me at MTA when discussing it. I otherwise have really liked her, so that whole thing was a disappointment (not to mention a little surprising–she is apparently pretty strong in her Christian faith, so you would think it’s not too unusual of a concept, even if it’s not one she has personally stuck to).

Rose
Rose

She is not a true Christian or she would respect Colton’s choice to be a virgin. She is a hypocrite.

DonnaMarie
DonnaMarie

I’d like to see a romance between Jordan and Robby.

April
April

YES!!

Cindy S.
Cindy S.

And Connor still hasn’t gotten the memo about buttoning up his shirt…only Tom Selleck is allowed to wear his shirt that open…and he is NO Tom Selleck!

Crystal
Crystal

“…and he is NO Tom Selleck!” That’s gold right there!

Kelli
Kelli

The first thing I noticed about MTA is how much swearing went on. I don’t think I’ve ever heard that before. Some, yes, but not every other word. Jordan was priceless with all his nonsense that still has me saying WTF? That’s right–I’m not a prude, but when I notice the swearing, you know it has to be bad.

In the flashbacks, I had completely forgotten how long it took Jordan to ‘prepare himself’ before he walked up to Becca! I’m surprised she didn’t send him packing the first night instead of Grocery Joe.

Kevin has fully recovered and was more entertaining than MTA. For example, when Leo was talking, he sat up and paid full on attention to him. He would glance back at me every once in awhile like he was saying–see–I like him! On the other hand, when Jordan came on–Kevin was sitting up and all of a sudden fell over, like ‘CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS GUY!? HE’S SUCH A CHACH! RUB MY BELLY WHILE YOU’RE AT IT?” Lexi was particularly offended by the stupid outfits. Especially the high waters. Heinous. And that’s her truth.

Personally, I think Colton is going to be the new Ashley I. Kevin thinks Colton needs to get a grip. And Lexi wants to know why tool Arie is in Paradise.

Lara
Lara

That is funny about Kevin falling over at Jordan. Wonder what was in that potpourri he ate? He does seem extra focused. Glad he is okay now. My cat will eat anything chew able that she can get her paws on (plants, paper). She is like a puppy and feels she has better things to do than to watch this show (like napping or licking her feet). Cannot say I totally blame her but appreciate the recaps!

Kelli
Kelli

It’s not necessarily the oils in the dry stuff. It usually has toxic ‘weeds’ in it. In any case, he’s raring to go for the finale tonight and for BIP tomorrow!

Deebee

Why so few of the dudes at the MTA? No question re Lincoln not being there……………………….
Wills is such a class act and I would love for him to be the next Bachelor. Seeing what he would wear each week would be entertaining in itself. And please no more virginity stuff — how embarrassing that such a big deal was made of something so personal and so not interesting.
This whole season has been such a snooze fest for me and except for your recaps Lincee, I’ll be real glad when it’s over!

Tasha
Tasha

I know, I was hoping to get a Clay update.

Dee
Dee

It is odd that Clay wasn’t part of MTA-would’ve been so terrific to get to hear from him! He was really great this season.

April
April

“I’ll take the last word: F you, f you, you’re a b!t@h, f you, not you Grocery Store Joe. You’re cool.” So funny! Can’t wait for the stare off. Great recap as usual, Lincee!

Sherrine
Sherrine

” she’s totally dated virgins before. His name was Ross and they were junior high sweethearts.” *Snark*

Team Jason for the next Bachelor, with some Bronx beauties thrown in.

Great recap as usual!

Allia
Allia

Wow, the recap is a thousand times better than the actual episode… So. Boring. If Jordan wasn’t there, the entire thing would have been about virginity (yawn). I don’t get why everyone (including Colton) is making such a big deal out of it. Move on already!
I like Jason as the next bach. I also like Wills, but I think he got let go too early in the process. I don’t particularly want to see Colton… he ran too far with the virgin storyline imo.

Tasha
Tasha

I would love Wills so much!

Dee
Dee

I think Jason could be awesome for Bachelor, but come to think of it Wills would be too! Would love to see Wills’s particular brand of nerdiness and sartorial mastery for an entire season as the lead . . .

Julie
Julie

I loved Wills’s self-proclaimed nerdiness, I think he’s very intelligent, has a huge heart and beautiful eyes… But he had such a laid back, almost laxidasical speech pattern half the time we thought that he was either slightly sleepy or slightly stoned….. Anyone else?

Toni :O)
Toni :O)

Julie…YES!!! Half the time Wills eyes were barely open and he seemed to mumble his words so that I couldn’t even understand what he was saying sometimes! Team Jason all the way over here! He is so handsome, dresses impeccably, is smart and actually has a real job. Makes me wonder why he is still single……

Cassie
Cassie

Totally agree – I don’t think he could be a leading man on this show. Too low energy. His eyes were always half closed and he always looked like he either just woke up or wanted to go to sleep.