Bachelorette Becca recap: Gridiron Guys
Bachelorette Becca Recap: Week 3
Our show opens with a rainy day. Bachelorette Becca’s guys wander around the house not knowing what to do with themselves. Some linger around the kitchen bar in their favorite beanie hats watching others cook eggs. Lots and lots of eggs. Right in front of The Chicken, no less. When I saw one guy reading an actual book, I knew we were in for a dramatic episode.
Things are off. I can sense it. Something wicked this way comes…
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you Snap happen to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the Starbucks barista who’s obsessed with The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
GROUP DATE ONE
“It’s Time to Relax”
Becca is super pumped to be hosting a spa day, but is visibly irritated that the ABC Intern had to scoot out to make an airport run, leaving her with the mundane task of cutting up her own strawberries and mixing up her own mimosas. When the girls arrive, squeals of delight fill the room and everyone settles in to learn what’s in store for their day of pampering.
Kendall listens, without her stuffed penguin Ping. Caroline, the StEnd to Becca’s BeFri necklace, is also in attendance. Baby Becca put down the weed and put on a bra for an extra fifteen minutes of fame before she’s topless in Paradise. Sienne and Tia round out the entourage looking fabulous as always.
Although Becs wants her girls to be her “eyes and ears” during the augmented group date, she does announce that this might be a little aco taco for Tia. Appropriate gasps are followed by Becca’s nonchalant, “Yeah, she dated Colton.”
Becca has lobbed this one up for Tia to see how she responds in front of the girls. We learn that Colton “dated” Tia before the Arie season aired. Which means that he knew Tia didn’t win, hence, the dating part of this scenario. Fast forward to an inevitable breakup after Colton learns that he will be on the next season of The Bachelorette.
A Bachelorette season that had yet to announce its jilted contestant ready to let bygones be bygones in order to find her own mute blonde from New Jersey.
Baby Becca asks a great question: “How will the boys notice my nips if I have this pesky bra on my body?”
Wait. Wrong question. Here it is:
“Do you think Colton assumed Tia would be the next bachelorette? Do you think that’s why he went on the show?”
In front of our current bachelorette, Tia automatically responds, “I mean, of cour…I don’t know.”
The girls change into fluffy white bathrobes and stand in a line as Becca introduces her friends to all the boys, excluding Jason, because she forgot his name. On camera. In front of her friends. And five other contestants.
It’s okay, Becca. I can’t remember his name either. Most of my notes say “slicked hair Mafia guy,” which is so much more complicated to write out verses “Jason.”
Also, I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO UNCOMFORTABLE IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.
Becca explains to the guys that they will be the spa employees and her friend will be their clients. The boys change into an official all white uniform but most leave their signature jewelry/possible weaponry on their bodies to add a little sparkle to the monochromatic outfits.
The boys hustle into the room where the girls all sit in folding chairs facing each other. Their feet are soaking in ghetto foot baths. Allow me to explain:
You know how any big box store has a foot bath that you can plug into an outlet and let your feet dangle in bubbling hot water, forcing all of your cares to melt away? It wasn’t that.
Conjure if you will the household cleaning section at your local Walmart and imagine the plastic tub one might carry toilet bowl cleaner and Windex. The women’s feet were basically sitting in tepid water from the faucet. Additionally, they were clearly in the ballroom of a hotel. The carpet was a dead giveaway. The tropical print and random leafy vegetation hauled in from the front lobby added a strip mall feel to an already sketchy setup.
The ABC Intern must be suffering from the flu or something. He’s not at the top of his game.
Jordan makes a beeline for Becca, who is secretly happy because if anyone knows how to pull off a flawless pedicure, it’s this guy. The men do their best to impress the ladies and the ladies paint the guys’ nails. It was special.
That night at the cocktail party, JB suggests to the dudes that they all just chill and have a conversation with her as a group at first before anyone whisks her away. Becca enters the room and JB proceeds to whisk her away. Players gotta play. He also packed a head scratcher in his bag, which Becca thought he stole from the ghetto spa. We were both concerned that this is something he feels so passionate about that he can’t part with it when preparing for a six-week-long reality show.
The next guy interrupts, escorts her to the sofa, and says, “I’M JASON.” She nervously laughs and tries to make him feel better by admitting she has a little crush on him.
Meanwhile, The Chicken somehow manages to get Jordan to admit that he has more than four thousand matches on Tinder and that he’s “selective in his swipes.” He’s also has a match rate of 100-percent. I’m not sure what that means, but The Chicken was quick to point out that having 100-percent of anything in life is a difficult feat and applauds the model for his online dating success.
The Chicken immediately tattles to Becca that Jordan is bragging about his Tinder accomplishments, while Jordan bemoans The Chicken’s need to get in his head. But he won’t let him because he doesn’t have a “silver spoon hanging out of my a$$.”
To quote a very bored Wills, “Got it.”
Becca breezes into the room and stands right in front of Jordan. She says, “Four thousand Tinder matches? Nice one, Jordan!” and gives him a high five. Jordan eyes The Chicken and toasts him for being a b!tch. The Chicken laughs as he walks away and tries to get that guy supposedly named Jason and Wills to agree that they were able to have a laugh on Jordan’s behalf.
No one was laughing.
Jordan runs to Becca to explain that it’s not a big deal that he has millions of girls vying for his attention on Tinder. It’s just so hard being a model that he can’t ever find anyone who matches his intensity. Or his professionality. Or the fact that he cooks, cleans, and does everything. He’s a golden retriever.
Becca haphazardly pats him on the back when he goes in for the unwanted hug. Then she breaks the fourth wall and gives the camera her best Jim Halpert look. I loved every second.
The Chicken continues to poke the bear, asking Jordan to “show me Eastwood” and “show me pensive.” Wills literally forces his own head down his shirt because he’s laughing so hard and that guy supposedly named Jason hides behind a pillow.
He totally reads my recap. Couch cushions are the best place to hide. Hands down.
Jordan is not happy with The Chicken’s attack. He is a Wilhelmina model and professionality is attached to him, his face, and the way he walks and talks. HE IS THE IMAGE and THE IMAGE IS NO LONGER BACKING DOWN. Heads will roll. Karma is coming. The Chicken will fall.
Finally, we find Becca have a serious heart-to-heart with Colton. She informs him that she had a good talk with Tia and is curious if seeing her today stirred up some unresolved feelings for her friend. Colton adamantly declines any feelings for Tia and pours them all onto Becca, showering her with kisses. He is honest and open and wants her to know that he is here for the right reasons (right reasons).
Becca untangles herself from Colton’s grip, rushes to retrieve the rose, and is greeted by the handsome fella as she walks into the room with a seductive kiss that made my entire watching party sit in stunned silence. Then we rewound and watched it again with the appropriate call calling it deserved. Colton has officially been given a big ole green light.
“Let’s Make Your Heart Sing”
Crazy Eddie Chris
I don’t think anyone was as shocked to hear Crazy Eddie Chris’ named called for the coveted one-on-one date than Crazy Eddie himself. A light sheen of forehead perspiration accompanied him the entire date. Maybe it was nerves. Maybe it was the fact that he was wearing women’s jeggings. Maybe it was the thrill of being so close to Richard Marx that he could see the tiny incisions around his jawline from the fabulous work he had done recently.
Whatever the case, Crazy Eddie was definitely on the struggle bus for the majority of his time at Capitol Records where he was forced to write a love song about a woman he had known collectively for ninety-two minutes. Sure she looked good in her leather pants with the shredded knees, a shirt that was double dipping in both midriff and mesh, topped off with a frosted neckline of rhinestones that looked like a diamond collar the Fancy Feast cat would wear in commercials. How are you supposed to come up with anything good with Richard Marx, the godfather of Lite FM love songs, sitting at the piano?
Not to mention the fact that the last time Crazy Eddie wrote a letter, it was to his estranged father who never wrote him back. Ack!
Also ack? That blue jean vest attached to a hoodie. No, sir.
Becca steps into the booth and mumbles something about Ed’s smile on a rainy day and wanting to know more of what he has to say, blah, blah, blah, something humming, yadda, yadda, something about singing.
Crazy Eddie steps into the booth and delivers a poem so heartfelt and true that Richard Marx hands him fifty bucks for his notes and a writing byline on his next album. Then he serenades them as they make out in the recording studio sound booth. Good times.
Later that night, Crazy Eddie elaborates on his family baggage and his rough upbringing. It was really sad and of course Becca consoles him by grabbing his neck in a choke hold fashion, pulling him toward her, and sticking her tongue down his through. Richard Marx serenaded that moment, too.
Before we move on to the second group date, ABC teases us by a soundbite of someone saying, “Please don’t die.” The Chicken is in a neck brace being carried down the stairs and into a waiting ambulance. Witnesses say Blake screamed The Chicken’s name when he saw him slumped on the ground, face down, in a pool of blood. It’s like he was attacked by a bear.
Or a Wilhelmina model.
Our Host Chris Harrison knocks on Becca’s door. Even though this handsome man stands before her in a crisp navy shirt and worn jeans (hubba, hubba), she knows this can’t be good.
He starts off by saying, “There was an incident at the house and The Chicken was rushed to the hospital last night. He’s in intensive care. He has a busted face.”
Becca wails, “Whooooooo diddddd thiiiiisssss toooooooo hiiiiiimmmmmmmm?”
Um, the floor did. He fell out of the bunk bed and landed on his face. Ouchie. Hare hands his phone to Becca so she can check in with her chicken nugget. Even though he’s in horrific pain, he is looking forward to returning to the mansion so he can spend time with her.
Becca: “Well, we’ll work on making up a good story for you, because falling out of the bed is weak.”
Cue Wilhelmina laughing, “I guess we learned that chickens can’t fly.”
I’m sorry, but I laughed at that. I should pull the silver spoon from my…never mind.
SECOND GROUP DATE
“We Can Tackle Anything Together”
Mike the Beast
It’s no surprise that the producers opted for a football date and that all the athletic boys just happened to be listed on the card. Clay is in the actual NFL. The Beast is a sports commentator, which means he knows the game. Garrett played in high school. Blake is good at everything. Leo is huge.
Hold on. So is Lincoln. The guy who had trouble with high knee runs. I guess he uses his local Crossfit gym to bulk up his muscles in case he has to lift things.
Sweet Venmo and Ryan. Darling, mute boys.
And then there were the Legends Football League girls. I thought they were some sort of female wrestling or roller derby type situation where the goal is half ogling, half athleticism, but no. These women are actual female football players in an official league.
I apologize for the sexist remark. But you can understand my confusion based on the protective pads that stopped just above their boobs.
The women take the men through some drills. Clay schools everyone. The Beast surprisingly dominates in the running back position and Garrett looks like a well oiled quarterback.
Dear Lincoln has trouble understanding American football. Give him a soccer ball and all bets are off. Show him the line of scrimmage and I’ll show you one confused guy who blames Britain for his shortcomings.
Clay helped him the best he could. I wanted so badly for him to tell Lincoln to go long.
The game lasts forever and Clay decides to shut it all down. He keeps the ball, tackles three dudes on the other side, and then barrels into someone for the touchdown. In the process, he breaks his wrist. Enter the second ambulance in one episode.
That night at the cocktail party, Becca wears a nighttime version of her ghetto spa robe. On second thought, it may have been a smoking jacket. It’s a golden velour number that sits somewhere between “heavens no” and “unfortunate.”
She lets Garrett grab her butt in a lame attempt to teach her how to tackle and then kisses him. She talks Blake off a ledge for being insecure about the process. She makes out with him when he calls her his girlfriend. When Clay returns with his arm in a sling, she gives him the pity rose since his career might be in jeopardy. Whoopsie.
At the rose ceremony, the men on the lower end of the totem pole try to make a move in the upward direction. Conner passive aggressively disses football and claims that baseball is his sport of choice. They run bases together. We don’t see what base he gets to when the cameras have turned away to film Jordan acting like a chach.
The next guy interrupts and escorts her to the sofa. Becca looks terrified. He eases her pain by reminding her,“I’M JASON.”
Venmo hands her something on paper and then kisses her. I’m guessing it was his monthly pay stub.
Then Clay comes in and shares the bad news. He has to have surgery on his wrist and since football is his livelihood and the means by which he provides for his family, he’s going to have to bow out of the race since they will soon be traveling to far off exotic places like Nebraska in the near future.
Becca seems distraught, but I can’t say that she was heartbroken. I think she was more irritated that the guy who likes to cuddle her and tell her everything is going to be okay has just walked down the freshly sprayed driveway, without a rejection SUV to take him back to the hospital. She will miss his big heart.
Next week, The Chicken is back with a blurry face! Do you think it will stay that way the entire episode? Do you think it’s going to be as bad as I’m envisioning right now? Will he get a pity rose for cracking his head open for love? Will the big vein in Jordan’s forehead finally pop? And how can he come back, but Clay can’t? Sound off in the comments section!