Bachelorette Becca recap: Gridiron Guys

Bachelorette Becca Recap: Week 3

Our show opens with a rainy day. Bachelorette Becca’s guys wander around the house not knowing what to do with themselves. Some linger around the kitchen bar in their favorite beanie hats watching others cook eggs. Lots and lots of eggs. Right in front of The Chicken, no less. When I saw one guy reading an actual book, I knew we were in for a dramatic episode.

Things are off. I can sense it. Something wicked this way comes…

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER

The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you Snap happen to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the Starbucks barista who’s obsessed with The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

GROUP DATE ONE

“It’s Time to Relax”
Wills
Jason
Jordan
Chicken Man
JB
Colton

Becca is super pumped to be hosting a spa day, but is visibly irritated that the ABC Intern had to scoot out to make an airport run, leaving her with the mundane task of cutting up her own strawberries and mixing up her own mimosas. When the girls arrive, squeals of delight fill the room and everyone settles in to learn what’s in store for their day of pampering.

Kendall listens, without her stuffed penguin Ping. Caroline, the StEnd to Becca’s BeFri necklace, is also in attendance. Baby Becca put down the weed and put on a bra for an extra fifteen minutes of fame before she’s topless in Paradise. Sienne and Tia round out the entourage looking fabulous as always.

Although Becs wants her girls to be her “eyes and ears” during the augmented group date, she does announce that this might be a little aco taco for Tia. Appropriate gasps are followed by Becca’s nonchalant, “Yeah, she dated Colton.”

Becca has lobbed this one up for Tia to see how she responds in front of the girls. We learn that Colton “dated” Tia before the Arie season aired. Which means that he knew Tia didn’t win, hence, the dating part of this scenario. Fast forward to an inevitable breakup after Colton learns that he will be on the next season of The Bachelorette.

A Bachelorette season that had yet to announce its jilted contestant ready to let bygones be bygones in order to find her own mute blonde from New Jersey.

Baby Becca asks a great question: “How will the boys notice my nips if I have this pesky bra on my body?”

Wait. Wrong question. Here it is:

“Do you think Colton assumed Tia would be the next bachelorette? Do you think that’s why he went on the show?”

In front of our current bachelorette, Tia automatically responds, “I mean, of cour…I don’t know.”

The girls change into fluffy white bathrobes and stand in a line as Becca introduces her friends to all the boys, excluding Jason, because she forgot his name. On camera. In front of her friends. And five other contestants.

It’s okay, Becca. I can’t remember his name either. Most of my notes say “slicked hair Mafia guy,” which is so much more complicated to write out verses “Jason.”

Also, I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO UNCOMFORTABLE IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

Becca explains to the guys that they will be the spa employees and her friend will be their clients. The boys change into an official all white uniform but most leave their signature jewelry/possible weaponry on their bodies to add a little sparkle to the monochromatic outfits.

The boys hustle into the room where the girls all sit in folding chairs facing each other. Their feet are soaking in ghetto foot baths. Allow me to explain:

You know how any big box store has a foot bath that you can plug into an outlet and let your feet dangle in bubbling hot water, forcing all of your cares to melt away? It wasn’t that.

Conjure if you will the household cleaning section at your local Walmart and imagine the plastic tub one might carry toilet bowl cleaner and Windex. The women’s feet were basically sitting in tepid water from the faucet. Additionally, they were clearly in the ballroom of a hotel. The carpet was a dead giveaway. The tropical print and random leafy vegetation hauled in from the front lobby added a strip mall feel to an already sketchy setup.

The ABC Intern must be suffering from the flu or something. He’s not at the top of his game.

Jordan makes a beeline for Becca, who is secretly happy because if anyone knows how to pull off a flawless pedicure, it’s this guy. The men do their best to impress the ladies and the ladies paint the guys’ nails. It was special.

That night at the cocktail party, JB suggests to the dudes that they all just chill and have a conversation with her as a group at first before anyone whisks her away. Becca enters the room and JB proceeds to whisk her away. Players gotta play. He also packed a head scratcher in his bag, which Becca thought he stole from the ghetto spa. We were both concerned that this is something he feels so passionate about that he can’t part with it when preparing for a six-week-long reality show.

The next guy interrupts, escorts her to the sofa, and says, “I’M JASON.” She nervously laughs and tries to make him feel better by admitting she has a little crush on him.

Meanwhile, The Chicken somehow manages to get Jordan to admit that he has more than four thousand matches on Tinder and that he’s “selective in his swipes.” He’s also has a match rate of 100-percent. I’m not sure what that means, but The Chicken was quick to point out that having 100-percent of anything in life is a difficult feat and applauds the model for his online dating success.

The Chicken immediately tattles to Becca that Jordan is bragging about his Tinder accomplishments, while Jordan bemoans The Chicken’s need to get in his head. But he won’t let him because he doesn’t have a “silver spoon hanging out of my a$$.”

To quote a very bored Wills, “Got it.”

Becca breezes into the room and stands right in front of Jordan. She says, “Four thousand Tinder matches? Nice one, Jordan!” and gives him a high five. Jordan eyes The Chicken and toasts him for being a b!tch. The Chicken laughs as he walks away and tries to get that guy supposedly named Jason and Wills to agree that they were able to have a laugh on Jordan’s behalf.

No one was laughing.

Jordan runs to Becca to explain that it’s not a big deal that he has millions of girls vying for his attention on Tinder. It’s just so hard being a model that he can’t ever find anyone who matches his intensity. Or his professionality. Or the fact that he cooks, cleans, and does everything. He’s a golden retriever.

Becca haphazardly pats him on the back when he goes in for the unwanted hug. Then she breaks the fourth wall and gives the camera her best Jim Halpert look. I loved every second.

The Chicken continues to poke the bear, asking Jordan to “show me Eastwood” and “show me pensive.” Wills literally forces his own head down his shirt because he’s laughing so hard and that guy supposedly named Jason hides behind a pillow.

He totally reads my recap. Couch cushions are the best place to hide. Hands down.

Jordan is not happy with The Chicken’s attack. He is a Wilhelmina model and professionality is attached to him, his face, and the way he walks and talks. HE IS THE IMAGE and THE IMAGE IS NO LONGER BACKING DOWN. Heads will roll. Karma is coming. The Chicken will fall.

Finally, we find Becca have a serious heart-to-heart with Colton. She informs him that she had a good talk with Tia and is curious if seeing her today stirred up some unresolved feelings for her friend. Colton adamantly declines any feelings for Tia and pours them all onto Becca, showering her with kisses. He is honest and open and wants her to know that he is here for the right reasons (right reasons).

Becca untangles herself from Colton’s grip, rushes to retrieve the rose, and is greeted by the handsome fella as she walks into the room with a seductive kiss that made my entire watching party sit in stunned silence. Then we rewound and watched it again with the appropriate call calling it deserved. Colton has officially been given a big ole green light.

ONE-ON-ONE
“Let’s Make Your Heart Sing”
Crazy Eddie Chris

I don’t think anyone was as shocked to hear Crazy Eddie Chris’ named called for the coveted one-on-one date than Crazy Eddie himself. A light sheen of forehead perspiration accompanied him the entire date. Maybe it was nerves. Maybe it was the fact that he was wearing women’s jeggings. Maybe it was the thrill of being so close to Richard Marx that he could see the tiny incisions around his jawline from the fabulous work he had done recently.

Whatever the case, Crazy Eddie was definitely on the struggle bus for the majority of his time at Capitol Records where he was forced to write a love song about a woman he had known collectively for ninety-two minutes. Sure she looked good in her leather pants with the shredded knees, a shirt that was double dipping in both midriff and mesh, topped off with a frosted neckline of rhinestones that looked like a diamond collar the Fancy Feast cat would wear in commercials. How are you supposed to come up with anything good with Richard Marx, the godfather of Lite FM love songs, sitting at the piano?

Not to mention the fact that the last time Crazy Eddie wrote a letter, it was to his estranged father who never wrote him back. Ack!

Also ack? That blue jean vest attached to a hoodie. No, sir.

Becca steps into the booth and mumbles something about Ed’s smile on a rainy day and wanting to know more of what he has to say, blah, blah, blah, something humming, yadda, yadda, something about singing.

Crazy Eddie steps into the booth and delivers a poem so heartfelt and true that Richard Marx hands him fifty bucks for his notes and a writing byline on his next album. Then he serenades them as they make out in the recording studio sound booth. Good times.

Later that night, Crazy Eddie elaborates on his family baggage and his rough upbringing. It was really sad and of course Becca consoles him by grabbing his neck in a choke hold fashion, pulling him toward her, and sticking her tongue down his through. Richard Marx serenaded that moment, too.

Before we move on to the second group date, ABC teases us by a soundbite of someone saying, “Please don’t die.” The Chicken is in a neck brace being carried down the stairs and into a waiting ambulance. Witnesses say Blake screamed The Chicken’s name when he saw him slumped on the ground, face down, in a pool of blood. It’s like he was attacked by a bear.

Or a Wilhelmina model.

Our Host Chris Harrison knocks on Becca’s door. Even though this handsome man stands before her in a crisp navy shirt and worn jeans (hubba, hubba), she knows this can’t be good.

He starts off by saying, “There was an incident at the house and The Chicken was rushed to the hospital last night. He’s in intensive care. He has a busted face.”

Becca wails, “Whooooooo diddddd thiiiiisssss toooooooo hiiiiiimmmmmmmm?”

Um, the floor did. He fell out of the bunk bed and landed on his face. Ouchie. Hare hands his phone to Becca so she can check in with her chicken nugget. Even though he’s in horrific pain, he is looking forward to returning to the mansion so he can spend time with her.

Becca: “Well, we’ll work on making up a good story for you, because falling out of the bed is weak.”

Cue Wilhelmina laughing, “I guess we learned that chickens can’t fly.”

I’m sorry, but I laughed at that. I should pull the silver spoon from my…never mind.

SECOND GROUP DATE
“We Can Tackle Anything Together”
Clay
Leo
Cris
Ryan
Venmo
Garrett
Mike the Beast
Lincoln
Conner
Blake

It’s no surprise that the producers opted for a football date and that all the athletic boys just happened to be listed on the card. Clay is in the actual NFL. The Beast is a sports commentator, which means he knows the game. Garrett played in high school. Blake is good at everything. Leo is huge.

Hold on. So is Lincoln. The guy who had trouble with high knee runs. I guess he uses his local Crossfit gym to bulk up his muscles in case he has to lift things.

Sweet Venmo and Ryan. Darling, mute boys.

And then there were the Legends Football League girls. I thought they were some sort of female wrestling or roller derby type situation where the goal is half ogling, half athleticism, but no. These women are actual female football players in an official league.

I apologize for the sexist remark. But you can understand my confusion based on the protective pads that stopped just above their boobs.

The women take the men through some drills. Clay schools everyone. The Beast surprisingly dominates in the running back position and Garrett looks like a well oiled quarterback.

Dear Lincoln has trouble understanding American football. Give him a soccer ball and all bets are off. Show him the line of scrimmage and I’ll show you one confused guy who blames Britain for his shortcomings.

Clay helped him the best he could. I wanted so badly for him to tell Lincoln to go long.

The game lasts forever and Clay decides to shut it all down. He keeps the ball, tackles three dudes on the other side, and then barrels into someone for the touchdown. In the process, he breaks his wrist. Enter the second ambulance in one episode.

That night at the cocktail party, Becca wears a nighttime version of her ghetto spa robe. On second thought, it may have been a smoking jacket. It’s a golden velour number that sits somewhere between “heavens no” and “unfortunate.”

She lets Garrett grab her butt in a lame attempt to teach her how to tackle and then kisses him. She talks Blake off a ledge for being insecure about the process. She makes out with him when he calls her his girlfriend. When Clay returns with his arm in a sling, she gives him the pity rose since his career might be in jeopardy. Whoopsie.

ROSE CEREMONY

At the rose ceremony, the men on the lower end of the totem pole try to make a move in the upward direction. Conner passive aggressively disses football and claims that baseball is his sport of choice. They run bases together. We don’t see what base he gets to when the cameras have turned away to film Jordan acting like a chach.

The next guy interrupts and escorts her to the sofa. Becca looks terrified. He eases her pain by reminding her,“I’M JASON.”

Venmo hands her something on paper and then kisses her. I’m guessing it was his monthly pay stub.

Then Clay comes in and shares the bad news. He has to have surgery on his wrist and since football is his livelihood and the means by which he provides for his family, he’s going to have to bow out of the race since they will soon be traveling to far off exotic places like Nebraska in the near future.

Becca seems distraught, but I can’t say that she was heartbroken. I think she was more irritated that the guy who likes to cuddle her and tell her everything is going to be okay has just walked down the freshly sprayed driveway, without a rejection SUV to take him back to the hospital. She will miss his big heart.

Next week, The Chicken is back with a blurry face! Do you think it will stay that way the entire episode? Do you think it’s going to be as bad as I’m envisioning right now? Will he get a pity rose for cracking his head open for love? Will the big vein in Jordan’s forehead finally pop? And how can he come back, but Clay can’t? Sound off in the comments section!

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Mollie A
Mollie A

I had to use the Google and a calculator to figure out if Becca was even alive when Richard Marx’s song that she knew so well (?) was a hit. I’m pretty sure the song is two years older than her. Also, thank you for addressing Crazy Eddie and her outfits on their date. Even my husband questioned that one.

Sad to see Clay go but maybe he can be the next bachelor. Great recap, Lincee!

DonnaMarie
DonnaMarie

I thought Becca was a little forward with Richard Marx. I’m getting a little tired of her pulling everyone in with a choke hold!

anita
anita

Yeah, that hug was too much! Unless she met Richard Marx in rehearsals then she didn’t need to hug him especially while on a date.
I had to Google to see how old Richard Marx was, as he has not aged well. He has certainly had work done! That whole date was TOO Much!

Missy
Missy

First, Clay is so hot…hothothot. Second, I laughed at the chickens don’t fly joke, too. Third, I might love Leo. I hate his stupid hair and the man-bun right out of the limo, but dude is funny and I believed him when he said he was concerned about Clay (who is hot). Lastly, does anyone else think Garret looks exactly like Tim Tebow or is it just me??

Joyce
Joyce

Yes… a cross between Tim Tebow and Tony Romo!

Missy
Missy

Yes!!! I see that, too!

Valerie
Valerie

yes I would say Tony Romo!

Jen

I keep seeing Brendan Fraiser…

Missy
Missy

Hmmm, I can see that….

Jennifer
Jennifer

This was the most boring Bachelorette to date (I thought) but your recap is always on point! These guys just seem like duds to me. I almost did not mind the presidential interruption : ) .. almost. Maybe I don’t find Becca to be that amazing – not sure. But alas I did like Clay. That is too bad!

tracee
tracee

But….Becca isn’t looking for stardom she’s looking for a husband and she has some great guys ( Not Jordan or Colton) that seem to be very good matches.

Jude

…the “presidential interruption “ went on for SO LONG though…I thought Trump was about to give Kim a ROSE!

Old Christine
Old Christine

Jude, you really have me laughing with that comment! So funny.

delyla
delyla

Jude that made me LOL

Patrick
Patrick

Jude!! You just made me laugh out loud, thank you!

Jen

Great recap! I laughed so hard at the Friends reference, even before clicking the link! And I couldn’t wait to read your commentary on Wills and Jason hiding from the Chicken/Jordan debacle that dragged on and on and on. Chicken boy just needs to let Jordan dig his own grave. Totally agree with your description of Becca’s football after party dress–it looked like a reject from Hugh Hefner’s closet.

Jennifer
Jennifer

I noticed that when Jordan was helpfully drilling that protective frame to the bunk bed that it looked like it was a piece that belonged on the bed. Like the producers left it off when they were constructing the beds either out of laziness or for better camera angles. Looking at those beds, it’s pretty incredible that nobody has fallen out before.

Sara
Sara

The whole Colton-Tia thing was so contrived. Hello . . .if Colton was really into Tia, he would have followed up their weekend with another date or dates and would have opted out of The Bachelorette. He didn’t need to go on the show with Tia as a candidate in order to pursue her. I know we tend to forget this from time to time, but most people find their significant others by NOT being on this show.

tracee
tracee

With friends like Baby Becca…..who needs enemies…Did she really have to say that to Becca?

Liana
Liana

I was so tired of the whole Becca-Tia-Colton drama. It was contrived and went on far too long. Obviously Colton was not into Tia or he would have opted out of the Bachelorette to go after Tia. Duh!

Cassie
Cassie

I don’t think Colton is there for either girl. I think he’s there to be on TV. He creeps me out. how on earth would he have even met Tia if he wasn’t creeping around all the wanna be reality show leftovers? He’s too good to be true. He’s not there for the right reasons (right reasons).

Rosa
Rosa

THANK YOU! I kept thinking, if he actually liked Tia, he could have continued to date her for longer than a weekend!! The whole thing is a huge set up to create drama. And to put the 2 of them in a date situation was so dumb!! Talk about awkward!

Rachel
Rachel

Jason looks so much like Milo Ventimiglia!! And his voice sounds exactly the same too. How have you not given him the nickname Jack Pearson yet?

Robbie
Robbie

I keep thinking he’s Jake Gyllenhaal.

Jason
Jason

I totally see that

Tracy
Tracy

I see Andrew Keegan.

Vicki
Vicki

Oh my gosh, would someone please tell Jordan that “professionality “ is not a word?!

As always, Lincee, your recap is the best part of the franchise, and pretty much the only reason I watch!

Lee
Lee

I have a question for all of you, one that I’ve also asked my wife. As I joined this group last year, and bought Lincee”s book, of course, this blog and the accompanying podcast make sense of the Batchelor franchise…mostly. But which do you like better, The Bachelor or The Batchelorette?

I haven’t watched any of this season, other than passing through the living room while my lovely wife is watching, reacting to her talking back to the TV, then getting her quick recap afterward – then reading Lincee’s recap the following day, then my wife and I listen to the podcast that day after that. Still, I find the Batchelor more interesting, but then again maybe it’s just because I’m a guy.

Lee

Tasha
Tasha

I personally enjoy Bachelor more because I think women create more crazy drama and let’s face it, that’s why we (I) watch. I used to think the Bachelorettes were there more for romance and finding a spouse but I’ve become skeptical about that since I’ve watched all of them. My favorite Bachelorettes were in the early days when the guys all got along, pranked each other, had a dog in the house, etc. I wish it was like that now but it’s too focused on the tool of the season.

abby
abby

I’m surprised to hear Tasha say she thinks women create more crazy drama! I have found the opposite to be true–the men (especially this season)!! The stupid testosterone-filled drama between Jordan and David (for literally no apparent reason), between Chris and Chase on night one, between Lincoln and Connor last week…it’s comical to me. I like the Bachelorette better because I like getting behind a solid female lead and I think the men create better drama.

Tasha
Tasha

Fair enough but….Courtney, Olivia, Tiara, Vienna, Clare, Michelle Money back in the day (I love her now but she was DRAMA mama). That’s off the top of my head without even trying. I guess the real answer is there is a drama plant/ cast for every season no matter if it’s the Bachelor or the Bachelorette. You are 100% right there is also man drama.

Lee
Lee

Thanks, abby and Tasha. I asked my wife about it, as again, maybe it’s a guy thing, but it seems the guys have to do dumber things than the gals have to, but she responded, “No, they’re both just as dumb!” And then she laughed! I do agree from what little I’ve watched, only really starting after Lincee hooked me into all of this, is that there always has to be a villain, if only for the drama. And the glitter. 🙂

Lee

Lexie
Lexie

Okay. The chicken reminds me of Evan and his desperate attempts to win Carly’s affection. (And we all know how that ended). Is it possible he threw himself off his own bed for some more one on one time??

I LOVED Leo on the football date! He had me rollin talking about the Beast, who this episode reminded me of SUNSHINE from Remember the Titans!

tracee
tracee

Leo needs a trip to the Spa

Sarah
Sarah

Leo needs a trip to the dry cleaners. He’s not a “stunt man”, he’s actually a porn star. I pray that that somehow gets back to Becca before the season is over. GROSS.

Lisa Joyner
Lisa Joyner

I had not heard that! Do we have evidence? Ick! Ick! Ick!

votemom
votemom

lame episode.
and that “spa” was super sketch. i hope everyone’s shots were up to date.

Deebee

I like Becca but was so annoyed that she made Clay leaving all about her. The poor guy has to get surgery on his wrist! And over a football game on The Bachelorette!! I couldn’t believe she was more or less crying about there being no one for her. Yowzer, she’s kissed most of the guys in the house and was swooning over Blake.

tracee
tracee

Why can’t Clay come back? And Ben too!!!!

Karen
Karen

Clay decided to work on his rehab and do PT instead of coming back. He’s a free agent and really needs to focus on his job at this point if he intends to continue playing, it seems like!

Donna
Donna

I have to say, I am getting really tired of these stupid games that the men are always required to play. Why not give them a real challenge that a possible future spouse can see how they might handle maybe cleaning a really dirty kitchen or washing and folding lots of clothes or grocery shopping or fixing a meal and reading stories to a few kids? Something that really comes in handy in a marriage. I could care less if my husband can play dodge ball or football. Give me a guy who can cook a meal any day. Games like those could be really fun and entertaining and a better indicator of marriage material than some lame sports game EVERY single season.

Cassie
Cassie

Totally agree. They should have the guys build something – do a Habitat House for crying out loud?! At least then it would be for a good cause. I like the cooking idea too!

KJM
KJM

I would love to see more humanitarian efforts from the Bachelor(ette) franchise! I once heard a speaker say that if you want to truly get to know someone and develop your relationship to volunteer regularly together.

Sara
Sara

They used to do that more. I remember one show specifically where a group date cleaned up and painted an elementary school. The bachelor/bachelorette group does a lot of humanitarian stuff outside the show – good idea to incorporate more of it inside the show.

Tasha
Tasha

Quoting my friend from many seasons ago “I’d like to see them paint a room and bounce a check, that’s some reality”. Ha.

Sara
Sara

Oh, what a great idea! Iron Chef + Bachelorette cross-over. How cool would that be?

Deebee

I agree. The guys have to physically battle it out and the gals have to walk around in bikinis. This franchise is getting stale real quick.

Edie
Edie

My DVR stopped recording at the normal time and since the Presidential interruption I missed the Rose ceremony. Did anyone besides Clay go home or is that to be continued on the next episode?

Lisa Joyner
Lisa Joyner

Wondering the same thing!

Cassie
Cassie

Never fear, there wasn’t a rose ceremony last night! They’re dragging it out.

abby
abby

Ahhh this was the funniest recap you’ve written in a long time–so many good lines here!