Bachelorette Clare Recap: Episode 1

It’s been seven months, dear readers, since we were last metaphorically gathered together around our televisions, watching the hot mess unfold as Peter the Pilot’s mother Barb begged him through snotty tears not to let “her” go. Most of us rolled our eyes and scoffed at the ridiculous nonsense ABC served up on a silver platter. 

Little did we know that Barb and her dramatic antics would look like a fairy princess garden party compared to the drunken fraternity backyard catastrophe known as the year 2020. 

We can all agree that COVID sucks. It blows on all levels, including commandeering the production of our favorite reality dating show. Its tomfoolery didn’t pass over Bachelor Nation, no sir. Do not for a second assume that neither Clare nor her gentleman suitors feel the weight of isolation. She relives her four failed attempts at finding love day after day. Her guys choke at every nostril-evading, gag-producing virus test as they find new and interesting ways to exercise in their rooms. 

But when Our Host Chris Harrison’s limo pulls into the fancy resort in Palm Springs and smoothly waltzes to your bungalow door to deliver the invigorating news that you are COVID-free, all is right with the world. Dating is allowed. Kissing is encouraged. Hugs are abundant. 

The crew has been super busy with the relocation and all. Think tanks are full of creative people whose sole job is to figure out how to make eight weeks worth of entertainment feel more glamorous than “dodgeball on the squash court” or “another round of golf” or “swimming in scantily clad beachwear.” 

Horticulturist search high and low for the perfect location to erect a cement fountain and worry if they have a water hose that is long enough to reach the circular drive-through. One can’t execute a proper limo exit when one doesn’t have freshly sprayed asphalt with which to promenade. 

Clare arrives on night one wearing a flesh-colored, form-fitting shift dress bedazzled with the remnants of a disco ball smattered asymmetrically all over the bodice. During her one-on-one with Our Host, she reminds the viewing audience that she will challenge these men with tough questions, she will show up for love, and she will most definitely find her husband in the parade of young bucks who are about to enter her orbit. 

Speaking of Chris Harrison, no, I will NOT address the abysmal state of Our Host’s coif. I will NOT wonder if he experimented with Just For Men during quarantine, and I will NOT ask why he chose to part his hair so far over on the side of his head. 

I just won’t do it. 

Let’s meet Clare’s guys!

AJ
28
Software Salesman
Playa Del Rey, CA
Status: No rose

Why You Remember Him:
Bless him to the moon and back. Not only did AJ spout off scientific facts about eye color, but he squeezed Clare’s hands so fiercely, she received a wound from the bohemian jewelry on her fingers. His friends tell him he doesn’t make a good impression. I say keep those friends close. We all need a brutally honest person in our life to tell us that wearing a light grey blouse makes us look a little jaundice.

Thanks for shooting me straight, Julie. My upper wardrobe has been grey-free since 2001.

Ben
29
Army Ranger Veteran
Venice, CA
Status: Rose

Why You Remember Him:
All I have written by his name is the question, “Did he bring his own deli meat?”

Bennett
36
Wealth Management Consultant
New York City
Status: Rose

Why You Remember Him:
Oh, there are so many from which to choose! Which of the following do you think is the most chach-tastic? Bennett arrives in a white Rolls Royce. He name drops Harvard at least three times. He wears a tuxedo, white scarf, zero socks, and what I can only assume are Belgian loafers. Bennett drinks a dirty martini at the cocktail party.

Can someone fetch me a bucket?

Blake Monar
31
Male Grooming Specialist
Phoenix, AZ
Status: Rose

Why You Remember Him:
Blake had on the tightest pants you’ve ever seen on someone who can rock an entire vat of hybrid hair paste.

Blake Moynes
29
Wildlife Manager
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Status: Rose

Why You Remember Him:
I like Bearded Blake. I’ve liked him from the beginning, and I hope he doesn’t turn into a knob.

Clare likes him, too, but she makes him think he’s going to be kicked off the show before singing his praises. It seems that Bearded Blake broke the rules and reached out to Clare during the quarantine when all communication was forbidden. He wanted to check on her.

And. It. Meant. EVERYTHING.

Bearded Blake exhales, thankful that he didn’t come all the way out here to isolate for fourteen days, just to be sent home. (Hello, foreshadowing!) Instead of using words, he kisses her passionately, then giggles at the camera like a smitten kitten.

Brandon
28
Real Estate Agent
Cleveland, OH
Status: Rose

Why You Remember Him:
I honestly thought this stud of a man would garner more screen time. I guess looking hot in all black was reason enough to land him a rose.

Brendan
30
Commercial Roofer
Milford, MA
Status: Rose

Why You Remember Him:
Once again, you wonder why he’s not wearing his signature turtle neck and agree with his bio that yes, Brenden does appear to be a sensitive soul as he tears up at the sight of Clare’s reflective formalwear.

Chasen
31
IT Account Executive
San Diego, CA
Status: Rose

Why You Remember Him:
Chasen rambles up to Clare wearing head-to-toe knight armor. For some reason, he takes every piece off his body before introducing himself and then walking into the house. I feel the need to bless his heart.

Chris
27
Landscape Design Salesman
Salt Lake City, UT
Status: No rose

Why You Remember Him:
You remember Chris because he’s weird. Lean into that vibe.

Dale
31
Former Pro Football Wide Receiver
Brandon, SD
Status: The first impression rose

Why You Remember Him:
In romantic comedies, the environment seems a little shinier, as the music morphs into a mellow tune right when the love interest rounds the corner to bump into our heroine who is having a no good, very bad day.

That’s what happened when Dale exited the limo. Clare’s rhinestones sparkled brighter. The air was filled with a piano concerto. Dale’s teeth dazzle in the moonlight. And Clare fell head-over-heels in love with a guy who she claims is her future husband.

Our Host Chris Harrison is summoned from his poker game to give Clare a lecture. There are two more limos to go! She can’t claim Dale as the winner. We are one hour into this journey if you don’t count the weeks of miserable quarantine. LOOK ALIVE, CRAWLEY.

Clare gushes over Dale when she awards him the first impression rose, and I shriek with embarrassment and dive behind the couch cushion as she moves in for a kiss just as Dale leans back. They laugh about it, as animated birds and woodland creatures sing a melodious song about love in the time of COVID.

Demar
26
Spin Cycling Instructor
Scottsdale, AZ
Status: Rose

Why You Remember Him:
Sweet Demar strolls up to Clare with a parachute dragging behind him. He tells her that he’s already fallen for her (cute), but my favorite part of his icebreaker is that the guys inside think he actually skydived onto the driveway.

My hope of hopes is that Demar didn’t correct them.

Eazy
29
Sports Marketing Agent
Newport Beach, CA
Status: Rose

Why You Remember Him:
This guy is going to be the life of the party. Is she going to pick him? Absolutely not. But the bros in the house (or the resort) will be enamored by his fun-loving spirit and positive attitude. Anyone who can pull off a pink suit with suede booties is a force. He’s definitely got my vote!

Ed
36
Health Care Salesman
Miami, FL
Status: Rose

Why You Remember Him:
I’m going to puke just typing this sentence. Ed arrives in a plastic bubble. The kind you slam into other plastic bubble dwellers for fun. When he emerges from the said plastic bubble, we are treated to a breech delivery of Ed’s sweaty feet, crotch, chest, and head out of a hole in the side.

Ed is sweaty the remainder of the night and smells faintly of year-old Crocs.

Garin
34
Professor of Journalism
North Hollywood, CA
Status: Rose

Why You Remember Him:
Garin thought his violet suit was money until he spotted Eazy in his.

Ivan
28
Aeronautical Engineer
Dallas, TX
Status: Rose

Why You Remember Him:
Sweet Ivan’s Filipino mom taught him a phrase before he came on the show. I’m sure she would rather her rocket scientist son learn everyday phrases he could use when visiting her relatives, but I guess “you look beautiful” can translate in a myriad of circumstances.

Jason
31
Former Pro Football Lineman
Arlington, VA
Status: Rose

Why You Remember Him:
Jason chooses to exit the limo cradling a makeshift pregnant stomach. We all wonder why because we had such high hopes for this dude. When Clare looks at him strangely, it dons on our guy that she has no clue why he pretends to be large with child. Luckily, we are treated to a flashback from Juan Pablo’s season. Here’s what I wrote about that moment eons ago:

Why you remember her: In the worst decision in Bachelor franchise history, Clare decides that displaying a fake baby bump in a hot pink dress is the best way to show Juan Pablo that she is whimsical and fun. We also collectively clutched our pearls, hoping that the fake hormones rushing through Clare’s body wouldn’t make her have a huge lapse in judgment and immediately hand over the DVD her deceased father made for her future husband.

I guess I’ll give Jason props for trying to bond with Clare through their shared regrettable icebreaker, but someone should have warned him that Clare’s short tryst with the Venezuelan was something like sixteen years ago. I don’t remember why I just walked into the other room, let alone the shenanigans from seasons past.

I do remember getting lost in Our Host Chris Harrison’s eyes that year. He looked like a Greek god in his tailored navy suit with a charming pocket square. He smelled of honey bourbon, a worn leather saddle, and adventure.

Where was I? Oh, yes, Jason. He is stoked when he discovers that Clare would rather climb trees outside than watch My Cousin Vinny on Jason’s computer. Netflix and chill means nothing to her.

Jay
29
Fitness Director
Fort Lauderdale, FL
Status: Rose

Why You Remember Him:
Jay is the jackwagon who wore a straight jacket the entire night. I have no idea why he wore a straight jacket, to begin with, and I don’t care enough to go back and figure out this puzzling detail. I will judge him fully for not giving up the schtick the minute he walked into the sunken living room that is no longer sunken.

Do you see Demar dragging his parachute around? Is Chasen still in his knight armor? Does Jason still have a pillow stuffed in his button-down? Has Ed rolled through the front door in his plastic sweat ball? No. Take the jacket off.

Jeremy
40
Banker
Washington, DC
Status: No Rose

Why You Remember Him:
Jeremy is forty. Why is he here again?

Joe
36
Anesthesiologist
New York City
Status: Rose

Why You Remember Him:
This guy immediately attracts Clare with his stethoscope. Paging Dr. Joe! He also tantalizes her perfectionist side with intricately folded, brightly colored origami animals.

Jordan C.
26
Software Account Executive
New York City
Status: Rose

Why You Remember Him:
Jordan C. brings popcorn as his prop and snacks on it for the rest of the night. Yosef has a plate of moon pies. Eazy delivers the best line of the night by acutely alleging, “I thought this was a cocktail party. Not a pot luck.”

Jordan M.
30
Cyber Security Engineer
Santa Monica, CA
Status: No rose

Why You Remember Him:
Jordan M. showcased a fair amount of ankle real estate, thanks to the length of his purple suit pants. As he towers over Clare with his huge frame, he calls a spade a spade by exclaiming, “In case you’re thirsty, I’m a tall drink of water.” I assume that the Big and Tall store in Santa Monica was closed due to COVID. It’s the only explanation for those capri pants.

Kenny
39
Boy Band Manager (cover bands)
Chicago, IL
Status: Rose

Why You Remember Him:
No, Kenny is not the hybrid paste contestant. We’ll have to put some turquoise yarn around his finger to help us differentiate him from High Hair Blake. He did nail it in the icebreaker game, confessing that he is not a suit guy. Instead, he prefers t-shirts.

He opens his chic black blazer to reveal a t-shirt sporting a funky art rendering of Clare’s two dogs, and she L-O-V-E-S it. So much so that she didn’t even have to talk to him during the cocktail party. She just handed a rose to “the dog guy.” Whatever works.

Mike
38
Digital Media Adviser
Calgary, Alberta, Canada
Status: No rose

Why You Remember Him:
Old Mike here brought Clare some rhinestone flip flops to change into later in the night when her feet ache thanks to six-inch heels. She squealed with delight and immediately forgot Mike existed.

Page
37
Chef
Austin, TX
Status: No rose

Why You Remember Him:
Sadly, you remember Page from his exit interview at dawn-thirty the following morning. The guy is COVERED in tattoos. And he said something about his “literal heart” and pointed to the anatomical heart tattoo on his chest. (Psst…hey Page. That’s not the definition of literal.)

Riley
30
Attorney
Long Island City, NY
Status: Rose

Why You Remember Him:
Riley claims that the jury has a verdict and finds Clare “guilty as charged” for looking fabulous in her disco-ball dress. I’ll allow it, I guess. It’s better than working up a sweat in a large plastic ball.

Robby
31
Insurance Broker
Tampa, FL
Status: No rose

Why You Remember Him:
I don’t know who this is.

Tyler C.
27
Lawyer
Morgantown, WV
Status: No rose

Why You Remember Him:
Where to begin? Let’s see. Tyler rolled up in an old station wagon, full to the brim with “all of his belongings.” He hopes to clean it out and fill it with Clare and the children. Strike one.

If you recall, Tyler is the one who is a Matthew McConaughey “stan.” He presumably shares this information with the other men and is immediately deemed “Mini McConaughey” from here to eternity. Strike two.

Tyler claims he knows “some information” about Yosef and isn’t afraid to play that card if needed. What’s the information, you ask? Good question. I’m still not sure. Piecing together shaky details, I think Tyler’s friend’s cousin’s neighbor’s boyfriend saw Yosef pass out at 21 Flavors direct message a girl from Tyler’s town during the quarantine. Clearly, Yosef is not here for the right reasons (right reasons), and Mini McConaughey is going to do something about it.

Strike three.

Tyler S.
36
Music Manager
Georgetown, TX
Status: Rose

Why You Remember Him:
I’m not sure if he can speak, but I’m very excited to find out next week.

Yosef
30
Medical Device Salesman
Daphne, AL
Status: Rose

Why You Remember Him:
Yosef is the gentleman (?) who twisted Tyler C’s britches. After Mini McConaughey pulls him aside to warn him of the phantom direct messages he has in his quiver, Yosef goes straight to Clare to declare SABOTAGE!

Clare, who proves she is near forty and has a head on her shoulders, does something that no other bachelorette has ever done. She asks Yosef to wait until she summons young Tyler to her side. Then she makes them duke it out while she finishes her cocktail party.

McConaughey is out. Yosef is in. No one likes a tattle-tale.

Zac C.
36
Addiction Specialist
Haddonfield, NJ
Status: No rose

Why You Remember Him:
You don’t.

Zach J.
37
Cleaning Service Owner
St. George, UT
Status: Rose

Why You Remember Him:
This guy presented Clare with a fart in a ring box. Charming.

And there you have it! Twenty-two guys remain, and no one knows how many more weeks we have left with Clare before she bolts out of the resort and spa with the man of her dreams.

What do you think? Three more weeks? Four? Sound off in the comments section!