Bachelorette Clare Recap
Episode 3

On last week’s podcast (episode #185), Some Guy in Austin said that he questioned Clare’s faculties. In the spirit of U2, I stood up for her in the name of love. 

At first, Clare handles herself normally as Yosef shares that he felt disrespected on his group date and is equally appalled by the humiliating act of naked dodgeball. When confirmed that he was ashamed to be associated with Clare due to her disrespectful craziness, Clare rightfully sent him packing. 

We witness the infamous clip showcasing Clare’s explanation of her singleness. As Yosef shouts, “I expected more from the OLDEST bachelorette,” and willingly offered Clare’s tacky carcass to the rest of the contestants, swarms of delicious-smelling men in various colored evening wear surrounded our bachelorette as a protective barrier against the evil man hopping into the rejection SUV.  

Twelve dudes uplift and praise our bachelorette for being so brave and independent in the face of an ill-mannered neanderthal. Adjusting the strap of her cocktail dress to keep her boobs from falling all the way out, Clare whines that Yosef told her that everyone was just appeasing her. IS THIS TRUE?

Twelve men answer in unison something along the lines of “Noooo way!” Clare retreats to her handler so she can dissect every conversation she’s had with these men in the last 24 hours. Meanwhile, the producers scramble to find Dale and send him down the dimly lit path that will lead him to Clare. 

Dale comforts Clare in a way that makes her feel alive. She tells the camera that she is so flattered that he protected her from Yosef. Let the record show that Dale was not one of the twelve angry men gathered around Clare during her time of distress. Clearly, Dale was in the bathroom or wandering around lost due to the maze that is the La Quinta Resort and Spa. 

Through choking sobs, Clare asks Dale if he is only here to appease her. He leans down and gently reminds her that he is there to PLEASE her. Hubba, hubba. Wink, wink. He instructs her to focus on what matters and sends her into the nearest cabana to film her talking head.

A mascara-stained, tear-streaked, red-nosed Clare stares dumbly at the camera and tells the producers that she’s falling in love with Dale. She is sure of it. Our Host Chris Harrison is sent in to see if he can salvage the night. There are at least ten guys who Clare has yet to memorize their names, let alone carry on a conversation. 

She pokes her lip out at Chris and tells him there’s no need to go on. She knows what she has to do. 

Harrison: “You realize you are contractually obligated to have a rose ceremony.”
Clare: “Oh. I thought you meant I could make my final offer now. Fine. But please, don’t make me look at the season roster. I’m sure I can shout out the name Tyler or Zack, and someone will step up, right?”

I now understand what Some Guy in Austin was eluding to in our conversation last week. After watching the show, I have seen the freak flags fly gallantly through the La Quinta Spa and Resort. Is Clare unhinged? Has she reached an emotionally dependent status? Are the rules being burned in effigy? 

Let’s take a look at the evidence and see. 

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER

The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you follow on InstaStory happens to know, sort of know personally, is friends with the Orange Theory trainer who’s obsessed with Moira’s wigs on Schitt’s Creek and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal, and I’m sure they are all lovely people. 

EXHIBIT A: The group date that didn’t happen.

Names are read from the first group date card, and eight guys pile up on the couch to rejoice in the reality that any minute now, they will see Clare in her second pair of shorty shorts. The producers make them talk about their thoughts and feelings. Minutes turn to hours. That’s plural. Poor Ed falls asleep on said couch, waiting for the woman of his dreams to show up. 

What was Clare doing you ask? She was having a visit with Bachelor Nation royalty DeAnna Pappas!

Come again, now?

Exactly. I have so many questions. 

1. Were Clare and DeAnna in the same season? A quick Wikipedia search confirms that answer is no. 
2. Do Clare and DeAnna know each other from former Bachelor Nation contestant Vegas weekends and clam bakes by the shore? Hard to tell.
3. Did DeAnna leave her two children and husband for two weeks to quarantine at the La Quinta Spa and Resort so she could have a conversation with Clare Crawley about love at first sight?

It would appear so. 

DeAnna politely widens her eyes and nods her head, while Clare gives specific and interesting details about the electricity that exudes from Dale’s essence. Then she shows DeAnna a pair of Dale’s pants, sniffs the crotch, and invites DeAnna to do the same.

Again, so many questions.  

DeAnna launches into a “Surviving and Thriving in Your Singleness” talk that she gives on the spinster circuit. Her theme? You know when you know. Clare takes this mantra as a green light to fast track her wedding to Dale as she giggles about how this could be the shortest season ever.

Suddenly, we find Clare bouncing into the living room, squishing between some faceless guy and Dale. None ask why she has made them wait THREE HOURS for her to show up for their date. She flippantly tells them that she’s scratching the date and just having a long cocktail party. 

This is supposed to make everything better. It does not. 

Clare wiggles into her favorite lace teddy and pairs the bustier with tiny white shorts and an 80s-themed white blazer. (So many questions.) I feel like her stylist was going for Cher during her “Heart fo Stone” tour circa 1989. Lingerie, check. Shoulder pads, check. 

Clare teeters in, and Dale immediately asks the guys if he can speak with her first. He only needs five minutes, and he wants to be respectful of everyone’s time. Then he makes everyone participate in a group hug, and that’s the first time I thought Dale was a dweeb. 

In a nutshell, Dale and Clare happen upon the presidential suite where Clare is staying, and they happen to fall on her bed to make out for an entire hour while the others sit and drink. Because Clare refuses to disentangle herself from Dale, the producers send Eazy to her door and instruct him to knock.

Dale jumps off of Clare and offers to hide in the closet or under the bed. This is the second time I thought Dale was a dweeb. Clare laughs nonchalantly and invites Eazy into the fold. Dale politely tries to sneak out but is berated by Clare for not hugging him before he leaves. 

This is the first time I thought Clare was the worst. 

Clare turns to Eazy and, through a drunken hiccup, asks, “What’s up?” Eazy gets five minutes with Clare before she suggests the “go outside with the others.” Then she excuses herself, and the camera picks up her mic as she whispers to her handler, “Can we hurry the rest along?”

This is the second time I thought Clare was the worst.

We rush through Ed, Riley, Blake, and end with Jay trying to be aggressive because he knows Clare likes that. Suddenly, Dale walks into the room where Jay is pouring his heart out, and Clare beams. Then SHE INVITES HIM TO SIT WITH HER AND JAY.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the dweeb and the worst.

Jay slinks off to the guys and tattles that Dale interrupted him. Chasen isn’t having it, so he interrupts Dale, who is flat out pinned up against a wall with Clare. This awkward happenstance does not deter Half Val Kilmer. He stands there until Dale leaves.

Of course, the guys lay into him when he returns. You can’t say that you are a band of brothers and ask for five minutes, then stay away for an hour. You also can’t go back for seconds! Dale straight-up lies and says that the resort is a maze of sidewalks here and there and he got lost coming back from the bathroom.

Exactly zero people believe him. And exactly zero people are surprised when she gives Dale the date rose. Things take a turn for our dweeb when he tells the group that he is the best suited for Clare. To quote Eazy, “His credibility is now in question. That will cause controversy.”

EXHIBIT B: The dinner that didn’t happen.

Zach J. is our resident stalker. Every season has the guy who watched the show and is convinced that the bachelorette is his soulmate. Obviously, he’s going to be nervous and probably fail miserably.

Here’s the deal, though. Clare barely gave him a chance. Am I wrong? Did I misread this date? She takes him on a spa day and doesn’t even allow him to go into the actual spa. Olga and Helga trot out some foot baths the ABC Intern purchased at the Walgreens down the street. They soak in regular water, without smelly salts or rose petals. There is no fancy chair that massages you whilst soaking. No one offers a nice hand massage.

No one offers a massage at all! Isn’t that the clutch move for spa days? Besides being dusted with ceremonial ash from a fertility fire, isn’t the purpose of a spa date the act of giving one another a massage? 

Nope. Clare decides to rub avocado all over Zach’s face. Then she escorts him to the pool. He front flips into the deep end, and she crawls onto a floating cloud with a rainbow. Does Zach read these signs? The signs that Clare doesn’t want to be around him because she’s choosing to sun herself versus making out in a pool? 

Of course Zach does not read the signs. He’s a stalker. They miss cues like that all the time! He doesn’t even notice Clare’s disposition as a bit gloomy, thanks to Dale’s absence. She’s just counting down the minutes until she gets to get dressed for dinner. 

Clare is the worst.

Somehow she ends up on the steps of the pool. In one split second, Clare is recoiling from Jay. He has no idea what he did. I have no idea what he did. The people watching with me have no idea what he did. So we rewind the tape and look again. 

And I’m still not sure what he did.

On one hand, we have Clare’s possible irritation that she leaned in forward for a kiss and Zach leaned away. He emphatically denies this accusation. 

On the other hand, Clare’s dog blocks our view of Zach’s hand which may have infiltrated her no-no zone. 

Clare is jittery and tells Zach that all is well. He pleads for her to explain why she stopped the kiss. Then she suggests that they go their separate ways to get ready for dinner. Then Zach’s moron side rears its ugly head, and he touches her face to either go in for a kiss or to encourage eye contact. Not good.

Clare later tells us that she felt extremely uncomfortable. She does not like that Zach didn’t let her walk away when she wanted to walk away. FYI: She doesn’t want to talk about it, and she doesn’t want to discuss it.

Cue Our Host Chris Harrison sauntering up to Zach, sitting at a pitiful little umbrella table, waiting for his one true love to let bygones be bygones. 

Hare: “I know I’m not who you were expecting.”
Lincee: “Are you kidding? Dinner with Harrison would be a dream come true!”

Hare: “Look, Clare isn’t coming to dinner. You screwed up, man. It’s time to pack it up and go home. No more deli meat. No more pergola pull-ups. It’s just you and your abs in the back seat of the rejection SUV. Your TEAM DALE swag bag is full of Kleenex, chapstick, and a free drink coupon at the United Club.”

EXHIBIT C: The rose that didn’t happen

I hate roasts. I find that they serve no purpose and make everyone, including the audience members, uncomfortable. I understand that some people thrive in this environment, while others want to crawl into a hole and die, even if they aren’t the one being roasted.

Can you guess which one I am?

Our second group date is going to prove to Clare, who can “roll with it.” The goal is to make fun of the other guys on the date. The kicker is that the rest of the house will be your live studio audience since, like Clare, COVID is the worst. 

Naturally, all of the group date guys are ticked that Dale is in the general vicinity. As a result, they all agree to include him as a recipient of their roast. Ben, Bennett, Kenny, and Jordan light into Dale from the stage. Their zingers were dumb or all together mean. Clare’s face transformed from moderately entertained to “I WILL CUT YOU.”

During Clare’s talking head, she wonders why the guys would be so hostile toward her beloved. 

Clare: “Was it just a joke? Or was it jealousy? Do you think they are picking up on my affection toward Dale? If so, who cares? I AM IN LOVE, BIT#%$ and those guys need to deal…with…it. You can’t mess with my fiance like that. 
Producer: “He’s not your fiance. 

Clare: “He might as well be.”
Handler: “You’ve known him for 48 hours.”

Clare: “So. What’s your point? A wise old prophet woman once told me, ‘When you know, you know.’”
Producer: “Can someone get Harrison? And find Tayshia’s number for me? Thanks.”

Clare spends the entire cocktail party (after the roast) asking each guy to specifically tell her in great detail exactly why they chose to rip Dale a new one when his current one is perfectly lovely?

Clare: “So why did you go for Dale so hard, man?”
Guy Whose Name She Can’t Remember: “I’d rather not talk him.”

Clare: “You had three pages of jokes. What was that?”
Other Guy Whose Name She Can’t Remember: “I’d like to use this time to talk about us.”

It’s High Hair Kenny, who starts putting two and two together. He wonders out loud to the group if the Dale roast might have backfired. Ben chimes in, claiming that Clare only wanted to talk about his Dale joke during his alone time. Jay says the same. One-by-one each guy confirms that Clare’s attention span reached no further than Dale. 

High Hair asks the group, “Can you name one guy whose relationship has improved due to his time with Clare tonight? If it’s not Dale, then who has she shown the most interest?”

Crickets. They all look at each other and shrug their shoulders. 

The lone red bud sits on the table and a prediction is made. It all comes down to this rose. Since Dale is not on the date, whoever she gives the rose to is at least in the running.

Clare bounces up in her canary yellow sequined gown, perfect for a cocktail party by the La Quinta pool, and picks up the rose. She announced that she “did not get what she needed” from the guys and awards herself the bud. She bids them adieu and runs off to her suite, presumably to secretly get it on with Dale.

Clare is the worst.

But it looks like the guys may not stand for it for very much longer. What if they all walked out? What would she do then?

Come on, High Hair. She’d celebrate. Duh. 

Still, it would be an impactful moment. Why are they there if she’s going through the motions? Moreover, is this what happens every season? And we don’t see it because they are trying to keep it under wraps? 

Clare is getting a bad edit, which highlights some questionable moments caught on camera. How much longer can this last? Because Tayshia’s hot bikini body emerging from the LaQuinta pool in slow motion in the last nine seconds of the show tells me that Clare’s days are numbered. 

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