Bachelorette Clare Recap: Why Am I Here?
Bachelorette Clare Recap: Week 4 |
As Clare journals in her El Presidente suite, an angry mob of constants whose name is not Dale ask each other the million-dollar question: Why am I still here?
Aside from a COVID-free vacation at a fancy resort where there are dodgeball courts, cleansing rituals by the bonfire, swimming pools, and all you can eat sanitized box lunches, I’m not sure why the men are still there either. Clare found love in record time and would hastily like to put a ring on it, thankyouverymuch.
In situations like this, the obvious solution is to call Chris Harrison for a “come to Jesus” fireside chat with our bachelorette. Our Host is not happy that he quarantined for two weeks so Clare could galavant around for forty-eight hours in her shorty shorts, become infatuated with one of the guys, and essentially end the show mere days after it started.
OHCH: “Look, the guys are not dumb. They know what’s going on.”
Clare: “Whatever do you mean?”
OHCH: “Don’t bull*&$ me, Clare.”
Clare: “I’m head over heels for Dale. He’s AH-MAZING. Did I tell you about the time I stalked his Instagram page during quarantine and saw that he was wearing a black shirt? And I was wearing a black shirt on the same day? We are MFEO! I’m in love!”
OHCH: “Stop trying to make MFEO a thing. It’s not. Second, there’s no way you are in love. Finally…” [flashes spotlight into Clare’s eyes] “DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT TALK TO DALE BEFORE YOU ARRIVED AT THE LA QUINTA?”
Clare: “No. I swear on my father’s grave. One hundred percent.”
Harrison rolls his eyes at both the delusion and aggressiveness of Clare’s response to the rumor mill. He sarcastically asks Clare what she would like to do? Clare bats her eyelashes and requests more time with Dale.
Clare is asking Harrison for a fantasy suite date card. Permission to bang, sir!
Harrison shakes his head, tells Clare to leave a key under the El Presidente mat for Dale, and then flips through his phone to share Tayshia’s number with showrunners. Then he somewhat storms into the cocktail party cabana staging room to address these uncharted waters with the guys.
The ABC Psychotherapist follows close behind in case she needs to hold anyone’s hand through this process. She keeps an eye on Jason and Bearded Blake for any signs of distress.
Harrison rips the Band-Aid. There will be no cocktail party. There will be no rose ceremony. They all need to report back tomorrow night.
And then he asks for a private audience with Dale.
The optimists and slow ones try and puzzle out what just happened. There’s no way she can pick Dale at this point in the game. Bearded Blake has a connection! Jason opened up his soul to her! Anesthesiologist Joe reminds everyone that she has collectively spent a total of three hours with Dale.
But High Hair Kenny can see the writing on the wall. He knows what is happening just outside the cabana.
OHCH: “Dale, Clare wants to try you on for size. Are you free tonight?”
Dale: “Isn’t it a little early?”
OHCH: “It’s called 2020, Dale. Roll with it. I’ve got a jeweler to call and a private jet en route so that a vivacious woman can quarantine on the premises. I need an answer now.”
Dale: “Okee dokee.”
Before Dale chooses to forgo his individual room, Clare insists on having dinner before “dessert.” She’s a lady, after all. She puts on her favorite crimson red Holiday Barbie ballgown, and baby talks her way through the first course. She is sooooo excited to tell Dale that the only rose she wants to hand out is one that goes on his lapel.
Clare gushes about how perfect Dale is and how much he reminds her of her late father. Then she flips through her wedding look book to see if Dale is cool with the tuxedo color she’s chosen for him. Dale takes a different approach. He asks about her parents.
Clare: “My parents are James and Lily.”
Lincee: “Did your invitation to Hogwarts get lost in the mail?”
Clare: “They were married forever. They met only once, and he proposed three weeks later. I want to break that record. Cheers!”
Dale: “Did you know I’m allergic to nuts and hate anchovies?”
Clare drones on and on about Dale’s ability to understand exactly what she’s feeling. She praises her man for being emotionally present and vulnerable.
A techy pulls Dale aside for a “mic check.” He’s guaranteed a hefty sum if he will agree to whatever ABC asks him to do in the next twenty-four hours. The amount of zeros in that check and the promise to be on the next season of Dancing with the Stars is enough to make him willingly lick the spoon that’s stirring a pot of crazy.
He returns to the table and declares that his heart is open. He’s accepting this feeling (dread?) and is ready to take things to the next level. But before they boink, they must sway back and forth as Listen To Your Heart duo Bri and Chris belt out an original song.
Who are these jokers?
I’m glad you asked. They are the “winners” from ABC’s botched reality show that combines The Bachelor with American Idol. Bless all the hearts.
Clare peaces out of that awkward moment and drags Dale to El Presidente to get busy. ABC proves this fact by slowing panning Clare’s bedroom floor the next morning, revealing a disheveled red Holiday Barbie dress and a pair of rhinestone heels. For those who refuse to believe the night resulted in hanky panky, ABC shoves the camera in Dale’s bare nipple as he lounges in the bed with his hook-up.
Moments later, the scene switches to an annoyed Chris Harrison, who begrudgingly listens as Clare rejoices in the wonder that is Dale. She’s thrilled that Dale didn’t run away in the middle of the night.
Harrison shakes his head and storms off to his posh trailer, where he downs a fifth of whiskey. The producers lightly knock on his door and offer him a fat bonus if he holds on for another day. Hare makes them triple the amount, plasters on that megawatt smile, and then shares the good news that Clare will be proposed to TONIGHT.
But first? She must face the music. Chris and Bri creep into the room. The ABC Intern pushes them away. Not that music. Clare must own up to her actions with the sixteen guys who spent two weeks in their rooms quarantining, followed by five days of “dating.”
This is sooooo hard for Clare. The guys are sooooo amazing!
Her “thank you for being open” soliloquy lasts a solid two minutes. When she finally gets to the point where she celebrates finding the love of her life with Dale, she’s met with a roomful of conflicting faces. Half don’t care. The other half is ticked.
She hones in on these losers.
Clare is a woman who knows what she wants, and she respects these guys too much to lead them on. Then she sweetly tells them that she hopes they find for themselves what she found in Dale.
As I shout at the television between dry heaving, Blake publicly hopes that she doesn’t get hurt for throwing herself into a relationship after such a short period of time. Kenny takes it one step further and asks if Clare ever talked to Dale before the show. It’s the only thing that makes sense.
Agreed, High Hair. It’s the only thing that makes sense.
Clare adamantly assures the group that she didn’t talk to Dale in any way before the show. This is the moment when High Hair tells Clare that she should apologize to the group.
Backup, ladies and gentlemen. There’s an open can, and there are worms everywhere!
Clare icily asks High Hair what she should apologize for?
Don’t be ridiculous.
No one forced them to sign up for the show.
Hurting their feelings?
High Hair Kenny keeps going. He recalls how Clare hasn’t been present in the show the entire time and thinks she should apologize for faking it.
Just as I stand up to give High Hair a round of applause, I’m punched in the gut by Lame No Name, who “appreciates Clare’s courage” and her “ability to stay true to herself.”
Clare hugs the nice ones and flips off the mean ones. Then she eavesdrops on Our Host Chris Harrison in the breezeway as he FaceTimes with Uncle Neil, who is arranging to have an Amazon drone drop off the engagement ring at the La Quinta.
Harrison then tracks down Dale to share the news that Clare broke it off with the other guys so she could be with him and only him. Also, he must propose in three hours or all bets, money, influencer fame, and future hosting gigs of an iHeartRadio podcast will be flushed down the toilet.
Dale swallows. All he has to do is pretend to like this woman for the foreseeable future, then figure out how restraining orders work. He’s always wanted to be on Good Morning America and the Jimmy Kimmel Show. Let’s do this!
Clare stands in a tight, bedazzled, white dress. There’s no hope for her sitting down in this thing. She paces around an invisible proposal pedestal, willing Dale to walk around the corner. When he does, she all but loses her mind at his handsomeness.
She mentions something about electricity and how he’s always there for her. You know, because of that one time, he was there for her that one day when the producers ushered him down a path that led straight to her sobbing face. She claims he has always been the one. From the moment she met him. Three days ago.
I’ve had a relationship with a carton of milk longer than Clare has been electrified by Dale.
Dale parrots back everything Clare said to him and promises her that the best is yet to come. Then he drops to one knee and flips open the box of bling. He asks Clare to marry him, and she shouts for JOY!
She’s waited so long for this. Now she can finally use her Clare Moss monogram without feeling silly! Hooray!
Dale responds with a cryptic, “Let’s do the damn thing.”
Using my Taylor Swift sleuthing skills, I feel like this was an Easter egg Dale has left us, insinuating that he will be taking back his proposal at the end of Tayshia’s journey to find love, just like Arie did with Becca — the originator of the “do the damn thing” motto.
Meanwhile, Harrison scoots over to the rejection cabana to let the guys know that it is NOT the show’s fault that Clare screwed everything up and the ABC contract is ironclad, so don’t try to make any claims against Mike Fleiss. High Hair Kenny invites Our Host down to the cheap seats in a moment of camaraderie and asks the Master if he thinks Clare and Dale had a secret affair before the show started.
Again, it’s the logical explanation.
Harrison: “I grilled her. If she lied, it would get out. Whether she had it in her mind that she knew who he was based on his Instagram profile is another story.”
It takes a certain kind of person to handle that kind of cray. Is Dale that person? We shall see.
Harrison breaks the tension by casually mentioning that Dale and Clare are engaged. No one cares, and I love it.
Hare: “Our goal was to help Clare find love. We did that. The problem is it should have taken four weeks, and it took four days. There’s no way around it. You guys were cheated. And since this has never happened on our show, we are going to do something historic. Your journey is not over. Consider if you can move on from a woman you’ve known for a hot minute and ask yourself if you’re willing to trade up. You’ve got one hour.”
Some of the guys grumble. Others are intrigued. These are the few who never had a conversation with Clare.
The remaining Sweet 16 band together and show up for another inaugural cocktail party. It’s like Clare was the dress rehearsal and this mystery woman is the main event.
And in a moment that should not have been filmed dramatically because we all know Tayshia is the 2.0 version of Season 29, our beloved new bachelorette with great hair and amazing skin steps out of the limo to see if she’s right for any of these guys.
I think the answer is definitely yes!