Everything you need to know about Bachelorette Clare
Several names were tossed out as possible candidates for our next bachelorette. I heard whispers about Champagne Kelsey, Taxidermy Kendall, Tayshia, and Blond Victoria. Then there was Tia, who has probably already signed up for the Golden Girls version.
To my knowledge, one Miss Clare Crawley was never in the hopper. One can only assume that ABC did not want a toddler version of The Bachelorette.
Mama texted me this morning to share her approval of the blessed announcement. She was glad the franchise was going with “a girl we don’t know.”
Hang on a minute, oh mother of mine. We do know Clare Crawley. It can be argued that she is somewhat of a veteran. I’d even go as far to say that she is bachelor royalty in a downplayed, wallflower way.
Why? My girl has been on The Bachelor, Bachelor in Paradise (twice), and Bachelor Winter Games. She really, really, really wants to find love, and almost found it with a Canadian, but she hung up her ball gowns and denim panties when it didn’t work out for her on four different occasions.
The year was 2014. It was a simpler time back then. Coldplay and Goop made a conscious decision to uncouple. We finally learned the identity of those kids’ mother. Adele Dazeem killed it at the Golden Globes singing “Let It Go.” And Clare Crawley crossed a freshly sprayed asphalt driveway as she walked toward bachelor Juan Pablo in a darling hot pink party dress.
Of course it was a maternity dress since Clare chose for her icebreaker to be “woman in a motherly way.” This is our new bachelorette ladies and gentlemen!
And I couldn’t be more excited.
My glee stems from many different angles. First, I’m absolutely stoked that this woman is 38-years-old. I think Mike Fleiss’ decision to let the current batch of alumni bake for a little while longer is a smart move. These babies need more time in the oven to help develop their brains.
I also feel that since Clare has been around the franchise block a few times, she’s not going to have as much of the “what am I doing” drama that seems to attach itself to bachelors and bachelorettes as of late. She’s seasoned enough to know the drill, to understand the politics for the most part, and has six more years of maturity under her belt.
Will she have a nervous breakdown? Absolutely. It’s her thing. That’s why they picked her. But I don’t think she’s going to default to that emotional state like she used to back in the olden days when North was just a glimmer in Kim and Kanye’s eyes.
Am I worried about potential baby talk and trips to Crazy Town? Sure. Wills he be annoying? Possibly. But that’s what makes for a good show. Let’s get her some handsome suitors who have jobs and the ability to be vulnerable. #mustlikeraccoons
Do I think Clare can carry a season? Why yes, she can. And here’s the proof:
EXHIBIT A: Clare’s infamous tryst in the ocean with Juan Pablo.
The girls all settle in a holding area to talk about their feelings. No one seems to notice that Clare sneaks off to Juan Pablo’s front door. She knocks and in her best baby voice, tells him that there’s one more “first time” thing she would like to do, and that’s swim in the ocean.
Since the hair stylist is from CALIFORNIA, I call BS on this statement. Perhaps she meant international oceans or scary oceans, but there’s no way this chick has never swam in an ocean.
She barely gets the question out when Juan Pablo turns to get on his bathing suit. They frolic in the waves while making out and praying against jellyfish and sharks who prey on Venezuelan hotties and blonds with an appetite of a fourth grader. PS: There was more than just making out going on.
EXHIBIT B: Clare’s famous exit from Juan Pablo’s season.
Clare: This entire time, I’ve stuck around because I believed in you. The other night, you told me we would be having babies together so I believed in us. I’ve saved this moment for the man of my dreams. I thought that was you.
She stalks off the non-up-to-code stage, whipping around at the last second.
Clare: What you just made me go through, I would never want my children having a father like you.
Ouch. You’d think Juan Pablo would be hurt by that remark. Instead, he plasters a smirk on his face and says, “Woo. I’m glad I didn’t pick her.”
Mind blown. What a jack wagon.
Poor Clare leaves on a dingy. Just like Ben the Wine Guy did that one time. She’s not crying like a fool. She has angry tears like a woman who finally saw the light. You go Clare.
EXHIBIT C: Clare befriends a raccoon.
When Joe does decide to talk, he directs his comment toward Clare, noting that this isn’t her first rodeo. He reminds the group that she’s been to Paradise before, which is “terrible.” The lighting strikes, signifying that Clare is pissed. She has a conversation with her raccoon friend about how Joe is such a chach.
I understand this was staged for television, but I was really rooting for that raccoon to get into the wine bottle. That would have made for an amazing journey for that little guy.
EXHIBIT D: Clare is the first to experience inappropriate yoga on a date.
Instead of an exciting adventure, Clare and Mikey are forced to bump uglies during a tantric yoga session. The coach said that these exercises would help them get in touch with their emotional and sexual sides. Wonderful! That’s exactly what Bachelor in Paradise needs. A twisty pretzel of limbs, sweat and the male anatomy in sweat pants. Mikey giggled the entire interview throwing every innuendo he could think of about Clare’s sexual chakra.
Behind every horny man is Clare rolling her eyes.
What do you think of the news? Excited? Irritated? Indifferent? Sound off in the comments and let me know how you feel!