Everything you need to know about Bachelorette Clare

Several names were tossed out as possible candidates for our next bachelorette. I heard whispers about Champagne Kelsey, Taxidermy Kendall, Tayshia, and Blond Victoria. Then there was Tia, who has probably already signed up for the Golden Girls version.

To my knowledge, one Miss Clare Crawley was never in the hopper. One can only assume that ABC did not want a toddler version of The Bachelorette.

Mama texted me this morning to share her approval of the blessed announcement. She was glad the franchise was going with “a girl we don’t know.”

Hang on a minute, oh mother of mine. We do know Clare Crawley. It can be argued that she is somewhat of a veteran. I’d even go as far to say that she is bachelor royalty in a downplayed, wallflower way.

Why? My girl has been on The Bachelor, Bachelor in Paradise (twice), and Bachelor Winter Games. She really, really, really wants to find love, and almost found it with a Canadian, but she hung up her ball gowns and denim panties when it didn’t work out for her on four different occasions.

The year was 2014. It was a simpler time back then. Coldplay and Goop made a conscious decision to uncouple. We finally learned the identity of those kids’ mother. Adele Dazeem killed it at the Golden Globes singing “Let It Go.” And Clare Crawley crossed a freshly sprayed asphalt driveway as she walked toward bachelor Juan Pablo in a darling hot pink party dress.

Of course it was a maternity dress since Clare chose for her icebreaker to be “woman in a motherly way.” This is our new bachelorette ladies and gentlemen!

And I couldn’t be more excited.

My glee stems from many different angles. First, I’m absolutely stoked that this woman is 38-years-old. I think Mike Fleiss’ decision to let the current batch of alumni bake for a little while longer is a smart move. These babies need more time in the oven to help develop their brains.

I also feel that since Clare has been around the franchise block a few times, she’s not going to have as much of the “what am I doing” drama that seems to attach itself to bachelors and bachelorettes as of late. She’s seasoned enough to know the drill, to understand the politics for the most part, and has six more years of maturity under her belt.

Will she have a nervous breakdown? Absolutely. It’s her thing. That’s why they picked her. But I don’t think she’s going to default to that emotional state like she used to back in the olden days when North was just a glimmer in Kim and Kanye’s eyes.

Am I worried about potential baby talk and trips to Crazy Town? Sure. Wills he be annoying? Possibly. But that’s what makes for a good show. Let’s get her some handsome suitors who have jobs and the ability to be vulnerable. #mustlikeraccoons

Do I think Clare can carry a season? Why yes, she can. And here’s the proof:

EXHIBIT A: Clare’s infamous tryst in the ocean with Juan Pablo.

The girls all settle in a holding area to talk about their feelings. No one seems to notice that Clare sneaks off to Juan Pablo’s front door. She knocks and in her best baby voice, tells him that there’s one more “first time” thing she would like to do, and that’s swim in the ocean.

Since the hair stylist is from CALIFORNIA, I call BS on this statement. Perhaps she meant international oceans or scary oceans, but there’s no way this chick has never swam in an ocean.

She barely gets the question out when Juan Pablo turns to get on his bathing suit. They frolic in the waves while making out and praying against jellyfish and sharks who prey on Venezuelan hotties and blonds with an appetite of a fourth grader. PS: There was more than just making out going on.

EXHIBIT B: Clare’s famous exit from Juan Pablo’s season.

Clare: This entire time, I’ve stuck around because I believed in you. The other night, you told me we would be having babies together so I believed in us. I’ve saved this moment for the man of my dreams. I thought that was you.

She stalks off the non-up-to-code stage, whipping around at the last second.

Clare: What you just made me go through, I would never want my children having a father like you.

Ouch. You’d think Juan Pablo would be hurt by that remark. Instead, he plasters a smirk on his face and says, “Woo. I’m glad I didn’t pick her.”

Mind blown. What a jack wagon.

Poor Clare leaves on a dingy. Just like Ben the Wine Guy did that one time. She’s not crying like a fool. She has angry tears like a woman who finally saw the light. You go Clare.

EXHIBIT C: Clare befriends a raccoon.

When Joe does decide to talk, he directs his comment toward Clare, noting that this isn’t her first rodeo. He reminds the group that she’s been to Paradise before, which is “terrible.” The lighting strikes, signifying that Clare is pissed. She has a conversation with her raccoon friend about how Joe is such a chach.

I understand this was staged for television, but I was really rooting for that raccoon to get into the wine bottle. That would have made for an amazing journey for that little guy.

EXHIBIT D: Clare is the first to experience inappropriate yoga on a date.

Instead of an exciting adventure, Clare and Mikey are forced to bump uglies during a tantric yoga session. The coach said that these exercises would help them get in touch with their emotional and sexual sides. Wonderful! That’s exactly what Bachelor in Paradise needs. A twisty pretzel of limbs, sweat and the male anatomy in sweat pants. Mikey giggled the entire interview throwing every innuendo he could think of about Clare’s sexual chakra.

Behind every horny man is Clare rolling her eyes.

What do you think of the news? Excited? Irritated? Indifferent? Sound off in the comments and let me know how you feel!

Photo By: abc.com

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Kelli
Kelli

I’m okay with it. I’m tired of Toddler Bachelor and Bachelorette. Becca K was older too and that was a decent season to watch.

Jaime
Jaime

I’m glad they chose an “older” woman as well. As an early forty-something single woman myself, I’m excited to see older men. Maybe even in their forties! Gasp!

Maggie
Maggie

I am HERE for this! Yes, Clare will bring her own version of crazy, but at least it’ll be on a FULLY developed brain! And (gasp!) she actually has a career that doesn’t involve #sponsored posts every other day. Can’t wait for the first raccoon sighting! 😉

Michele
Michele

I’m also glad that the new Bachelorette is older and more mature. I believe that Clare knows what she wants and will not be shy about eliminating guys who don’t measure up to her expectations. I think she will be strong and not take any crap from any of the contestants. Yes, she will probably be dramatic and cry a lot, but that’s pretty standard fare. Bring it on!

Hope
Hope

I think it’s a warm up To get viewers ready for Bachelor Seniors

Allia
Allia

Totally surprised at this announcement! And very happy that they decided to forego all the children from this season. I feel like a Clare season could go either way, depending on the men they cast. She hasn’t had the best luck on the bach, and I would hate to see her get mistreated again. Here’s hoping that the producers do a better job weeding out the chaches!

Debbie
Debbie

I’m actually relieved and excited to have Clare as the pick! I couldn’t stomach the thought of seeing Hannah B.’s face again and I couldn’t imagine how they were actually going to get someone who doesn’t want to be IG famous. I think if they would start a trend of picking from way back or total strangers, that might eliminate the teeny boppers trying to get their 15 minutes of fame. To be honest, Clare was never my favorite, but compared to what we’ve seen the past few seasons, I’ll take her over another pageant queen, any day!

faninAZ
faninAZ

So tired of the pageant girls. No more!! Please, no more!!

Rosa
Rosa

I agree with all points made, especially after Women Tall All last night! Bravo Mike Fleiss for making this happen!!

Ross
Ross

Fifth time’s the charm! I say that with a complete lack of sincerity! I do like the fact that she’s older, and not fresh off a previous season of the Bachelor.

Sincethebeginning
Sincethebeginning

Up top you wrote, “Wills he be annoying?” and I thought it was a reference to Wills coming back for Clare and being annoying. I was kind of excited that you knew one of the contestants already.

I LOVE that they are using Clare. I always liked her…she’s entertaining as well as to the point. She was just fishing in a toddler pond…I pray they go older for her.

I started watching this show with Alex…season 1. I’m glad the show is realizing that I grew up and am tired of watching babies, not prepared for marriage, keep recycling. I’m so glad they finally got something closer to their/my demographic. I love it. Can’t wait. I also like the idea of a silver bach/ette. I don’t know…something new…

Tara
Tara

Yessssss! I was 32ish when this show started with Alex. I’m now 51 and, though I love the show and will probably watch until the Most-Dramatic-Final-Episode, I am a little tired of 28 year olds wringing their hands and worrying they’ll “never find love!”

Sarah
Sarah

I’m SO excited for her season of the Bachelorette. More excited than I have been for previous seasons. I like Clare and I’m here for it!

Karin
Karin

I am excited to see Clare as the lead, thank God they went older! Though I did for a minute think, wait, is this the senior version? I could see them thinking a 38 yr old is a senior, and pair her with much older guys. But I assume these are two different shows.

Jodie

I am happy it’s Clare! hope they’ll cast more mature, established men for her to date. I feel like the last few seasons, everyone is a model and the goal is to become and influencer, not fall in love.

Kel
Kel

I’m glad they picked a more mature bachelorette! When I first heard it was Clare, I was a bit annoyed, because there have been MANY times that Clare bothered me (especially the baby voice), but as I think about it more, I think that the drama will be very entertaining. I like that she doesn’t put up with BS.

I think Tayshia would be a good bachelorette and I suppose she still could be in the future. I’m also super sad about Kendall and Joe breaking up so I’d totally support Kendall for bachelorette. Who knows what drama will unfold tonight with Peter and Madison, but I would support Madison for bachelorette also. I think it’s been since Emily Maynard that they had a woman with good morals as the lead.