Bachelorette Des: James And The Giant Impeachment
Desiree and her band of bachelors are slowly making their way through Barcelona because like Germany, it too is the perfect place to fall in love. It would also appear to be the best place to suffer from an emotional breakdown before ousting not one but THREE suitors.
On the bright side, it’s also the place to make out against a brick wall. Twice.
So let’s get to it! Grab your 1992 summer Olympics t-shirt with matching “I heart the Magnificent Seven” button and join me in Barcelona where the “footballs” are expertly dribbled by young females, Des processes on a lone pew of the Sagrada Familia and the faint sound of “Vaya con Chris Harrison” echoes through the wine caves of Sitges and Freixent’s.
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you liked on Twitter happen to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the nail stylist or bowing instructor of someone who is obsessed with the fictional life and devastating death of Matthew Crawley like me and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
Our Host manages to neither roll his eyes nor give a spontaneous groomsman speech as he approaches a long line of eight men who sit before him in a row of tables and chairs that were clearly borrowed from the tapas bar in the background. It looked like Harrison was going before standards at the Sigma Chi house with all the straight lines and beer. Of course, he was only there to inform the brothers that there would be a group date, two one-on-one dates and no rose ceremony this week. He drops the first card, grabs Juan Pablo and heads back to the wine caves for a little fiesta. #muyguapo
Ponyboy is selected to be the recipient of the first one-on-one date in which he and Des explore Barcelona with nothing but an umbrella and quest for adventure. He kisses her when they meet in the street, he kisses her as they walk down said street and later licks her whipped cream mustache from the coffee shop. They share a drink of water from a public fountain that I’m pretty sure was built for livestock back in the day, but who cares because this water contains magical powers that compels the drinker to return to Barcelona in the future. Much like the Blarney Stone, I’m afraid it also has magical powers to spread herpes, but that’s neither here nor there. What’s important is that Ponyboy is so into Des that he chooses a crowded restaurant as the perfect moment to share for the first time ever that his father struggled with alcoholism. And he has cancer. No one knows. Except Des. And everyone within earshot. Oh. And all of America.
They head over to a trio of random Spaniards who have been pulled together to form a makeshift band so Ponyboy can sway his hips to el rhythmo. Not a hair flows out of place. #thankyoubutchwax
Des gives an unenthusiastic wave and leads Pony to a tiny little door that opens into a courtyard where her date is suddenly overcome with emotions that he can’t stand it anymore. He unceremoniously tries to ditch the camera crew to drag Des away from dinner and out into the alley. Des was as confused as the audience. Pony has gone rogue and everyone seems to be in a tither about it. Camera 1 unplugs and runs after the pair, only to find them cornered by Camera 2 in the alley. Pony pretends this was his plan all along and gently shoves Des up against the wall so he can make out with her. The moment just fell short of romantic due to its awkwardness, but where he lacked in planning, he made up for in skill. Des rewards him by sending the ABC intern inside to fetch the date rose.
The above is PROOF that these guys read my blog. WHY ELSE WOULD HE HAVE DONE THAT?
With the bud freshly secured to his lapel, he stops Des’ advancement to fling him onto the opposing wall and decides instead to tattle on James. In case you didn’t know, he and #Kasey overheard James say that he could be the next bachelor if things didn’t work out with Des. Also, Mickey T. totally has a boat and some hot chicks he’ll share once they get back to Chicago. Chris Harrison should have held someone in contempt for telling variations of this exact same story roughly every 20 minutes for the entire two hour episode, but that never happened. At this point, the jury was still out about James’ fate even though Des looked pretty ticked off.
The boys will be playing soccer. Cue the “Ole, ole, ole, ole” track. Juan Pablo is PUMPED and Brooks often translates his sentences to say, “You have no chance with Des. I am in my element.” #hespeaksmylovelanguage
Before they head off to the stadium, Ponyboy gathers #Kasey and the Federal Prosecutor around a tree to go over the delicate information that was shared the night before. He begins to rehash every detail in great length because Hash and the Fed will be confronting James when the time is right. Luckily I was able to find some entertainment in the form of the Prosecutor’s compression socks and 80s headband.
Pass the cerveza.
Brooks, Chris and #Kasey made the best of the situation, considering Juan Pablo was totally ruling the field, looking hot, I might add. Since James is a beast, he was nominated to be the goalie. Who knew that he would be scared of soccer balls flying at his face? By a team of sixth grade girls nonetheless! The boys lost 10 to 2.
At the after party, Des pulled Chris into her boudoir and just as I was about to sigh at the thought of Chris reciting a short limerick he made up out on the soccer field, Des pulled out a postcard and begins spouting off her own original poetry. Yay! This is going to be a thing with them!
Meanwhile, #Kasey and the Federal Prosecutor have THE EXACT SAME CONVERSATION they did earlier at the compression sock tree. What in the world ABC? We get it! Hash invites James over to the couch, hoping that he will apologize like a man.
Hash: “James is irrational. He needs to own up to this. But he just keeps spinning it. How can he counter-accusate?”
Lincee: “I’m no lawyer, but I’m pretty confident that counter-accusate is not a legal term dude.” #halloffamemoment
I fast forward until I see Brooks who is super stoked that he is nowhere near the drama that is unfolding down below. He’s totally making out with Des. Sadly, it was not against a wall. Get your head in the game Brooks! Walls are EVERYWHERE.
Hash is still questioning James who is defending himself to the Federal Prosecutor who wasn’t even there. Someone help me. Where’s Juan Pablo? I miss Roberto. Remember how awesome Ames was? Do you think of him when you see red pants? Do you see how my tangent is way more exciting than listening to these boys? Did the Federal Prosecutor just compare him to the kids on the Jersey Shore? Why am I even watching this? Fast forward!
Des decides that the rose is going to stay on the coffee table and sends everyone home except James. She sits on a chaise and he settles in next to her in full horizontal position. This must be the way to present yourself as completely open and honest. In the next shot, he was sitting up beside her. Des isn’t playing around. He performs a delightful tap dance, giving her the ole’ razzle dazzle.
Des: “This is just too tough.”
James: “I promise I want to be here. I had a such a great time with you.”
Lincee: “Don’t forget Manny and Jan.”
She’s too tired to make a decision and will adjourn until tomorrow. The rest of us are irritated because there’s no way for James to come back from this. He just needs to go get his flirt on with Mikey T. Let’s land the plane guys. Land the plane.
Back in the penthouse, the boys are reenacting the James conversation for Ponyboy.
Ponyboy: “Do you think he will become violent?”
ENTER PATRICK SWAYZE TO THE RESCUE! He and Ralph Macchio save Ponyboy from certain destruction, but James is cut by a switchblade in the process. Ponyboy dyes his hair and remains hidden in a church where he tries to “stay golden.”
Seriously. I’m so bored. And I’m a little sad that those of you reading her are under the age of 30 have no idea what I’m talking about. The Outsiders. Google it. Do it for Johnny.
SECOND ONE-ON-ONE DATE
Des takes Shirtless Zak to an art studio where they sketch a bohemian Spaniard. Zak loves doing what Des loves, so the fact that he got the crap date doesn’t seem to bother him. Then a dude arrives in nothing but a robe, drops trou and stands provocatively for a nude portrait. Once the guy left, Zak admits that it was a bit awkward. But since he’s Zak, he will use any opportunity to relinquish himself of his own shirt. He strips down to his tighty whities and pretends to be embarrassed as Des sketches him. I found myself wondering if he travels with a spray tan machine. No one can remain that orange for so long.
Zak talks about his parents at dinner. His shirt remains buttoned. He makes out with her while giving her compliments. When they leave the wine cellar dungeon, he takes a moment to push her up against a wall and make out with her.
I would like to submit this as Exhibit B to further prove my case that these boys read my blog.
It was a bit unfortunate that they were essentially in a tunnel and both had to crouch in order not to bump their head against the ceiling whilst making out, but it was still good. Any vertical hard surface will do in this scenario I would imagine. Definite E for effort. He got the rose of course.
Dear Lord give me strength because now Drew is talking to James and he’s getting hot. “USE YOUR SAFE WORD PONYBOY,” I screamed at the television.
Ponyboy: “I think that acknowledging that there is an alternate reality from the one you’re currently in is detrimental to a relationship.”
Lincee: “Someone has word of the day toilet paper! I like it!”
Everyone is pretty silent, obviously waiting for Des to arrive. There’s no other way they would all be squished on that couch just hanging out. Zak tries to break the tension by talking about his date. If looks could kill.
Des takes James outside to talk about her love of weird colored leggings and bootie shoes. Just kidding. They talk about how he wants to be the next bachelor. THIS IS BRAND NEW INFORMATION!
She hashes it out again before succumbing to the lack of sleep and she cries on his shoulder. He shushes her, grabs her head like a melon and kisses her forehead. The boys are shocked that he comes waltzing back in to the tiny living area and squishes himself on the couch. He begins obsessively tucking in his shirt and sweating under his man boobs due to the pressure Ironically, he will NOT use the pocket square to sop the moisture.
Chris: “What did you talk about?”
Lincee: “Ah man. Keep out of it. I’m rooting for you dude!”
James: “We talked about the situation.”
Lincee: “What would that be?”
James: “I talked about reality. What happens after this. That’s not a bad thing.”
Hash: “You would never talk to your girlfriend about the girls you’re going to meet when you break up.”
James [yelling]: “I DON’T HAVE TO SIT HERE AND LISTEN TO YOU DISRESPECT ME!”
Chris: “I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!”
Lincee: “Counter-accusate. COUNTER-ACCUSATE!”
The most important thing you need to know is that James was wearing white pants and Des was rocking a side pony. The second most important thing you need to know is that she kept the Federal Prosecutor. No one knows why and at this point, no one cares.
Hashtag, James and darling Juan Pablo are left budless. Even though I can count on one hand how many times Juan Pablo was in a scene, I shall miss him.
And I hope you stayed tuned for the very end because in next week’s scenes from Portugal, it would appear that every single guy is crying out in desperation. Even Chris! After several rewinds, I believe that Drew leaves for some unknown reason to which Des responds, “I’m only here because of you.” Cue the crying montage from everyone, including Our Host Chris Harrison asking Des if she wants to keep on going!
What do you guys think? NO SPOILERS! Let’s try to figure this one out on our own. Does Drew have a Ponygirl back home? Was James her only contender and now she’s just giving up? Will ABC make her go to the end and pretend to be excited about being engaged to someone? Will that someone be Brooks or Chris?
Sound off in the comments section!
I’m all about the fame, not the shame,