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Bachelorette Emily Recap: First comes love. Then comes marriage. Then comes an ostrich in a baby carriage.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012 @ 10:05 AM
Author: Lincee

Welcome fellow Bachelor franchise lovers! It’s that time of year where ABC goes above and beyond to find 12 total tool bags who bring a colorful mixture of drama and crazy to the show, two socially unacceptable dorks who undoubtedly drink Zima at the cocktail parties, four wacky, loveable side-kick types who steal the hearts of all women with at least one Molly Ringwald movie in their DVD collection, one token African-American to counter the pending discrimination law suit, two closeted gay guys for that extra sizzle and four viable candidates who have an actual chance to win the affection of Emily Maynard and Little Ricki. Crack open the boxed wine and pass the Advil ladies and gentleman. The Bachelorette is back!

The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you poked on Facebook happens to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the niece/former classmate of someone who is obsessed with the Hunger Games trilogy and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

In case you didn’t know, Emily Maynard has a daughter. She wears pink, feeds ducks and lets balloons go in parks before being reprimanded by her Mom to cease the potty talk with her friends in the back of their tricked out classic white Suburban. More than anything, Em wants to find a father figure for Little Ricki and admits that she is ready to find love after a devastating courtship with Hotter-Than-Crap Brad Womack. A shimmery gold cocktail dress, the smooth swipe of pink lip gloss and a pep talk with Our Host Chris Harrison is all the dainty girl needs before facing 25 guys lucky enough NOT to land in the pool of gentleman callers in Ashley Hebert’s season who are vying for the heart and affection of our bachelorette and her mini me. Game on!

Our Host is looking debonair in a simple black suit with a tie that comes close to being labeled “skinny” without actually being skinny. He’s so now. He takes a moment to absorb the awesomeness that is Emily as they talk about the upcoming parade of dorks.

OHCH: “How is America’s newest sweetheart feeling?”
Emily: “I’m not sure. I haven’t met Blue Carter yet. Hopefully this gig will provide lots of opportunities for me.”

OHCH: “So what do you want out of this gig?”
Emily. “Babies. Lots and lots of babies. I’m 26-years-old for crying out loud. Time is WASTING AWAY before my poison-injected eyelids and I want a family really bad.”

OHCH: “Gathering context clues, I’d say you want to be engaged?”
Emily: “Sure. But I’m sort of tired of being engaged too. Don’t get me wrong. Being engaged is special and should be saved for the person you’re going to marry. But I’m ready now.”

Harrison escorts Emily to the protection of the porte-cochère outside the rented Charlotte mansion. It’s the first time I’ve missed the freshly washed driveway. One can only assume after last night’s Chach procession that the ABC Intern was busy managing the never-ending props from the suitors who spared no expense to make their memorable first impression something that none of us will ever (as hard as we try) forget. Let’s meet the lucky bunch!

Biology Teacher
Why you remember him:

Aaron scored a fake pair of glasses, confidently strolled up to Emily and told her that even though he was a biology teacher, he wanted to see if they had any chemistry. Perhaps he can tell me why I have the urge to throw up right now? I hope the other Dalton Academy Warblers weren’t mad he failed to meet up with them in the auditorium to practice the mash-up of Toto’s “Africa” and the song from “St. Elmo’s Fire.”
Status: Rose

Mushroom Farmer
Why you remember him:

Alejandro saunters up to our bachelorette and smoothly utters sweet nothings in Spanish. Emily carefully and clearly responds, “YO SOY EM-I-LY. DONDE ESTA EL BANO? CAN YOU SAY ADOBE? AAAAHH-DOE-BEEEE? GRACIAS.” He kisses her on the cheek, effortlessly covers a smirk and walks away smitten. I eat a handful of M&Ms wondering if Alejandro will grow some shrooms in the dark space under the mansion stairs, effortlessly roll my eyes and think about Roberto.
Status: Rose

Grain Merchant
Why you remember him:

Alessandro saunters up to our bachelorette and smoothly utters sweet nothings into her ear. Emily carefully and clearly responds, “YO SOY EM-I-LY. MUCHO GUSTO. DONDE ESTA “YOU LOOK LIKE A LATIN BRAD PITT” IN ESPANOL?” He casually tucks a strand behind his ear, kisses her on the cheek and concludes that Emily is adorable for not knowing the difference between Spanish and Portuguese. I eat a handful of M&Ms, wonder if Latin Brado Pitto would look hotter with his hair cut and think about Roberto.
Status: Rose

Race Car Driver
The Netherlands and/or Arizona
Why you remember him:

Arie owned his skinny tie, marched right up to Emily, told her that he was a race car driver and gave her every opportunity to cry about it on his shoulder. Fortunately for Arie, she affirmed that he was probably hot in a race car and flashed a winning smile before pouring him a glass of celebratory milk for being so awesome.
Status: Rose

Technology Salesman
Midland, Texas
Why you remember him:

Brent wore a name tag so Emily would remember him later in the party. Sadly, he forgot to put it back on because when he told her he had six kids, I collectively asked the girls in my living room, “Who is this guy and is he about to show her a picture of six goats or does he legitimately have six kids?” We’ll never know the answer to that question because…
Status: No Rose

Worcester, MA
Why you remember him
Contrary to the questionable sweater he was wearing in the “Meet the Bachelors” home town opening montage, Charlie is one of my front-runners. And it’s not because he fell 15-feet off of a balcony and suffered a traumatic brain injury (TBI). It’s mainly because he has an adorable bulldog and joked with Emily that his face was half titanium. Being that Emily’s face is half plastic, I was surprised that she actually jumped when Charlie pretended to bite her when she poked his forehead with her index finger to feel the steel plate. TBI Charlie forever!
Status: Rose

Corporate Sales Director
Bartlett, IL
Why you remember him:

Chris has shifty eyes. Oh yeah. And he carries a bobble head of himself around in his coat pocket. Lord help us all. Oh look! He had one made of Emily as well! Had it not favored Diane Sawyer instead of our sweet, little bachelorette, I’d say cross “cake topper” off the pending wedding to-do list and move on to securing the deejay. I think I know a guy who has his own jambox.
Status: Rose

Charlottesville, VA
Why you remember him:

Writing comes naturally to David. Right before our eyes, he was able to spontaneously create a song that perfectly describes our bachelorette. I took the liberty of pausing the DVR zero times to make sure I caught each and every lyric as they burst through the speakers of his Casio keyboard.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, EMILY
Oh, oh, oh, oh, EMILY

Status: Rose

Charity Director/Real Estate Agent
Seattle, WA
Why you remember him:

Doug goes straight for the jugular and opens with this classic heart string puller, “Hi Emily. I’m Doug. I’m from Seattle and left my little boy there to go on this journey. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. How’s Ricki doing with all this?” Later, Doug pulls out a note penned on loose-leaf paper from the 11-year-old which specifically spells out all the attributes that make Doug the best Dad in the entire world. Emily swoons and is happy that someone else “gets” her.
Status: First Impression Rose

Fitness Model
Chicago, IL
Why you remember him:

Jackson read somewhere that real men wear pink. To show that he’s a REAL, real man, he chooses to wear a hot pink tie on a pale pink shirt. He gets down on one knee, grabs Emily’s hand and quotes something he read on a little tchotchke by the cash register in Hudson News before purchasing the latest Men’s Health magazine and blue Gatorade at the O’Hare Airport a few days ago: “Life is not measured by the moments of breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away.” Repulsed by Emily’s blatant disregard of his clever first impression, he strips down to his bare abs to show Emily and America what she/we/they are REALLY missing. Dude. Next time lead with those.
Status: No Rose

Marine Biologist
Why you remember him:

You don’t.
Status: No Rose

One “F” Jef
St. George, UT
Why you remember him:

I don’t know about your watching party, but when One F rolled up on his skateboard, there was an appropriate blend of “When you’re a Jet, you’re a Jet all the way!” and “Marty McFly…” interspersed with “Do you think Conan believes that imitation is the greatest form of flattery?” that rippled out from the women in my living room. One F likes being underestimated. He doesn’t need to tell people he’s quirky. He lets the board to that for him. Just when I’m about to get all Jimmy Neutron on his hair, Jef shares that he is a bottled water entrepreneur who has a side charity business that builds water wells for the underprivileged. Surprisingly, he gives off a cool vibe that doesn’t seemed forced or unauthentic. I predict he will go far enough for Emily to break his heart after she inevitably chooses Blane to take her to the prom.
Status: Rose

Field Energy Advisor
Orlando, FL
Why you remember him:

After shouting, “EM-I-LY” as he exited the limo, Joe danced a little jig. He’s quite the jokester, that Joe! Are you wondering why he looks so familiar? Wonder no more people…

Why yes! He is the love child of B-class actor Brecklin Meyer and Dawson’s Creek heartthrob James Van Der Beek!
Status: Rose

John “Wolf”
Data Destruction Specialist
St. Louis, MO
Why you remember him:

Two things come to mind.
1. Do they really call you Wolf? Or did you assign that nickname to yourself? Be honest John.
2. Data destruction specialist, huh? I bet you can shred paper like nobody’s business!
Status: Rose

Luxury Brand Consultant
Houston, TX
Why you remember him:

HOUSTON REPRESENT! What is it with ABC’s need to make guys from Texas the resident douche bags on this show? (See: He Who Must Not Be Named, Weatherboy and Hotter Than Crap Brad) Kalon arrives via helicopter, schmoozes Emily for a few seconds, lint rolls the custom-made jacket he scored from Joseph A. Bank with his employee discount, strides into the sunken living room full of testosterone and leads with this gem, “I saw y’all from above. It looks like you’re having a party. Sorry I’m late. Where’s the bar?” Thanks to his douchey entrance, he has been given the tribal name Helicopter Guy by the natives.
Status: Rose

Financial Advisor
Long Beach, CA
Why you remember him:

Cue crickets chirping here.
Status: Rose

Real Estate Consultant
Laguna Beach, CA
Why you remember him:

Lerone is a big guy with a little dog who likes to run in traffic.
Status: No Rose

Rehab Consultant
Tahoka, TX
Why you remember him:

Michael is mysterious, probably eats granola, would be more comfortable in a hoodie and flip flops, gives guitar picks as gifts and lives in Austin. All of these things are really irritating to his father, Professor Snape.
Status: Rose

Scottsdale, AZ
Why you remember him:

Emily thinks Nate smells really good. He thinks she is really gorgeous. That’s all I’ve got. Who are these people? Truly?
Status: Rose

Marketing Manager
Oak Creek, WI
Why you remember him:

What’s the quickest way to a woman’s heart? I’ll give you a hint. The answer is NEVER dressing up like an old lady and ALWAYS bringing your real Nana. I bet Randy is STILL regretting that decision. But let’s look on the bright side: At least they can park in a handicap space as he films his exit interview in the back seat of the rejection limo. That lining is as silver as his fake wig. Here’s hoping Harrison’s entourage doesn’t accidentally run over Grandma on his way back to Wisconsin.
Status: No Rose

Pro Sports Trainer
Augusta, GA
Why you remember him:

Ryan has big muscles and likes working with kids at sports camps. And he has a golden doodle dog and wears a Bump-it in his hair. He had a clever opening line that warmed the cockles of my entire watching party’s hearts. After pretending to be nervous, he pulls out “notes” from him pocket and starts a soliloquy about the wonder that is Emily Maynard. From Em’s point of view, the back of the paper reads, “You are so beautiful.” When he flips to pretend read the other side, it reads, “I’m so nervous.” Cheesey? Absolutely. But in a refreshing Laughing Cow instead of Velveta sort of way.
Status: Rose

Insurance Agent
Dallas, TX
Why you remember him:

Sean has that Ken Doll look about him. I’m hoping he’s covering up a nice set of Jackson abs under that purple checkered shirt and striped tie. Fingers crossed!
Status: Rose

Party MC
Monroe Township, NJ
Why you remember him:

Stevie searched high and low for days and FINALLY found the perfect jambox from a reliable seller on Craig’s List. Word to your mother, Stevie! He kicks it old-school, dancing and rockin’ the beat with his fly entrance in the mansion courtyard. Luckily, Emily appreciates the classics and has actually seen “Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo.” She pins a red rose on Stevie’s green shirt and we all feel that we have truly witnessed a Christmas miracle.
Status: Rose

Lumber Trader
Beaverton, OR
Why you remember him:

For a while, I was unsure of Prince Charming’s real name because he introduces himself as Prince Charming — or perhaps he actually did share his given name and I was too busy being distracted by the clear acrylic shoe he was carrying on a tacky silk pillow. Apparently, the good Prince shops at Payless. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. I love a good BOGO. Who doesn’t? I bet the entire west wing of Emily’s mansion is dedicated to footwear. Even though PC received a rose, my advice would be to bust out the cross fit moves next week because it appears that Cinderella is totally smitten with charming race car drivers.
Status: Rose

Advertising Sales Rep
Madison, MS
Why you remember him:

At first glance, Travis looks like a normal, viable candidate for Emily. Then he pulls out a dragon egg and compares said egg to our bachelorette and her offspring. That was mistake No. 1. He promises to guard and protect that dragon egg just like he would guard and protect Emily and Little Ricki. Note to Travis: Haven’t we learned our lesson when uttering the phrase “guard and protect” on this show? Say hello to mistake No. 2. Since Emily graciously extended him a rose, I hope that he was confident enough to pack a Baby Bjorn carrier for group dates and a Moses basket for hot tub adventures, or someone’s waking up to an Olympic-sized omelet in the morning.
Status: Rose

So what do you guys think? Will Emily be a snoozer Bachelorette? Does the race car driver already hold the keys to her heart? Were you surprised that she kept both Andros? Will they be best friends like the Grobans? Do you still miss Roberto like me? Sound off in the comment section!

All about the fame, not the shame,

110 Responses to “Bachelorette Emily Recap: First comes love. Then comes marriage. Then comes an ostrich in a baby carriage.”

  1. white says:

    ryans bump it was KILLING me what the heck was that??? so distracting, he seemed nice but in no way could i ever get over that hair.

  2. white says:

    btw—i want comments on the super sad news of OHCH impending divorce :( maybe he will be the next bachelor….

  3. I find it peculiar that the opening premiere show was one hour in length. Is she that boring or is it the men that they couldn’t fill it with 2 hours. Hasn’t it been several seasons since they only did the 1 hr shows?

    I don’t have a favorite. I thought many of them had weird hair–as pointed out by Some Guy. I thought they should all be hotter than crap and all I can say is ‘eh’ as to the first impression. But in the interest of rooting for someone “Go St. Louisan Wolf”. (My town)

  4. Kendall says:

    I CAN NOT WAIT til Travis The Egg Man doesn’t get a rose… I predict that his Ostrich Baby will be smashed to bits over the balcony in a tantrum of rage and tears…. film at 11.

  5. Schmoopy says:

    Thank you, Lincee, for making last night worthwhile! I’m shocked that ABC couldn’t find anyone better in their bag of tools! I, like you, thought the 6 kids guy had to have been talking about pets and not children!! But now that I know he really has 6 kids, I’m all the more interested in his story! Guess I’ll have to Google it. Glad to have my gaydar confirmed and sad to know that the culprit is from H-Town! What a sad representation of our great city! Can’t wait to see if Ari is Em’s 3rd fiance……

  6. Julie says:

    Hahaha. Why you remember Ryan: Ryan has big muscles and likes working with kids at sports camps. And he has a golden doodle dog and wears a Bump-it in his hair.

    He’s super cute and seemed like a genuinely nice guy, but that hair was bothering me all night!!!

  7. Victoria says:

    Oh Ryan and the Bump-It……what’s worse is that at the rose ceremony from certain angles it looked like Kate Gosselin’s unfortunate haircut (plastered down in front and bumped up in the back)….not a good look.

    Picking Stevie HAD to be at the producers’ urging. First of all, he looked like he had the beginning of waterfall bangs and was dressed like a leprechaun. But, he is going to pick a fight with Helicopter Guy every chance he gets…and the producers are not going to let that go! I think Emily will keep him until she has to kiss him and then he’s gone!

    Overall, underwhelmed with the pack she has to choose from – am waiting another week or so to start rooting for anyone in particular :)

  8. Jenny says:

    What a shocker it was to see Tony aka Prince Charming on the show. I used to work with his cheating ex-wife and I actually attended their wedding. Small world.

  9. Lauren says:

    Alessandro = John Denver

  10. Pam says:

    The David synopsis was the best! Thank you for the great laugh. You truly have a gift, Lincee!

  11. Megan says:

    All I can say is… yes, I do miss Roberto. That group of guys bored my eyes to tears.

  12. beens says:

    I’m so glad you pointed out the mention of the 6 kids! At first we thought he meant animals, but now we’re not too sure he could mean real human kids. who knows.

  13. cyndidee says:

    I haven’t watched it yet, but decided to read your blog anyway. (I love spoilers.) I went to the profile page to compare the pictures there with your descriptions and came across something odd. They only list 21 of the bachelors. Charlie, Kyle, and Ryan are missing. (The interesting ones!) Any idea why?

  14. Emma says:

    “Lerone is a big guy with a little dog who likes to run in traffic.” – That’s EXACTLY what I thought when I saw Lerone!

  15. texastea says:

    Lincee you forgot to mention the ultimate douchebag from Texas-Jake!

  16. Courtney says:

    I’m convinced that you are a comic genius.

    Didn’t even watch the show, and I laughed out loud in my cubicle reading the recap.

    Please keep writing hilarious things!

  17. phillybelle says:

    Lincee! I read your blog religiously, but this is my first comment. Thanks for sharing your humor with us…

    So, my husband knows Alejandro, aka “Alex,” the “mushroom farmer.” What that career actually translates to is a degree from Berkeley and the invention of the “grow your own mushroom kit” usually found at large, natural/organic chain grocery stores. so yes, he probably is growing his own ‘shrooms under the steps :)

  18. Jess says:

    This was the worst crop (I typed crap at first instead of crop – I think my subconscious took over!) of guys ever! I have never cringed so much in my life! Still, it remains a train wreck I can’t look away from.

    Chris is my absolute favorite. He’s so cute, and so NORMAL. And coming back from an injury like that means he’s determined and strong.

    Arie and Sean are probably my top 2 and 3 picks.

  19. Jeanette says:

    Two things made me laugh out loud…
    1). During the rose ceremony the camera zeroed in one the dragon egg which was shaking unbelievably in the arms of Travis.
    2). The snapshot of the season…if I really heard what I thought I heard – Emily telling one of the guys to get the “eff” out then it gonna be fun!

  20. since the beginning says:

    So we had a draft of the bachelors last night at our watching party. I got Tony (glass slipper), Charlie (TBI), Alejandro (the closest thing ABC could come up with to mirror Roberto, but missed with the earrings and the mushrrom farming), Michael ( the recovering alcoholic paying it forward) and Jean-Paul (Eh.). All in all a pretty good group. I love that you picked up on the lyrics to David’s song. and you didn’t even have to re-wind??? How did you do it? :) I love one F Jef–adoreable, and Jackson’s abs–shouldv’e re-wound that–I think I may when I get home today. Loved your reference to Blane and prom–I thought the exact same thing! It’s going to be an entertaining season especially with the Southern Belle dropping the F-bomb on national television (writhing my hands)!!! :)

  21. Coloradocat says:

    Who thinks Bentley will be coming back later on to cause drama?

  22. Caroline says:

    Awesome recap as always, Lincee. I’m pulling for Arie and the a-dork-able one F Jef.

    I don’t have a lock on Emily yet. I rooted for her during Brad’s season and was somewhat surprised how quickly it went down in flames. I have natural predisposition to dislike her but yet I see flashes of “real” in there. It should be interesting to watch it unfold. I do despise the shamless exploitation of the single mom card. She’s not the first and she won’t be the last.

  23. Courtney says:

    Thrilled to be back reading your hysterical bachelorette recaps! Funny as ever:)

  24. Ryan says:

    “Lumber Trader” is code, right? I think there’s more than one lumber trader in this batch of baches.

  25. CindyLou says:

    Dude with six kids….seriously??? I thought he was joking when he introduced himself but learned he was NOT on his exit interview. Lord help him!

    Also, I must admit I watched “Couples Rehab” and did enjoy watching the demise of
    Vienna and Kasey’s relationship. I also enjoyed listening to her accuse another man of abusing her…hmmmm seems like a pattern or lies to me!

  26. VickiG says:

    I was surprised both Andros were saved – but adios to them soon-o.

    Maybe Emily can tame the beast in Bump-its hair – don’t dump the bump too soon – this guy may have potential.

    Love to know who (a padded intern?) was there to catch ‘One F’s’ skateboard as he so effortlessly tossed it off before entering the Emily zone.

    Travis will leave with egg on his face – I’m sure of it.

    All I can say is bring on the fab abs … I’m ready. :)

  27. Kendall says:

    Coloradocat – Bentley’s not coming back. Reality Steve confirmed he’s not on the show at all. He was on our local morning radio station and said nope, no Jerko.

    But from the previews, man, there’s gonna be a LOT of crybabies!

  28. Dianne says:

    @ Bonnie Kruege – in Toronto, Canada, the show was 90 mins long, not just 60. Not sure if you missed much since the first 30 mins was mostly commercials, ha!

  29. Connie says:

    You, my dear, are fabulous! I’m so glad The Bachelorette is back as Tuesday is once again my favorite day. From the “bump-it” to the “ending up in a giant omelet” comment, I’m still laughing….thank you, Lincee!

  30. MaineMom says:

    I was fairly bored with the guys, but I really thought OHCH was rockin’ that black suit! I liked Travis the “egg” guy but something about his reaction to almost not being chosen brought back flashes of Ryan in Ashley’s season. I drooled over Arie, and I thought Doug pushed the kid card too hard, but apparently it worked. Charlie is a viable candidate but if he goes far he’d better plan on staying in NC, because there’s NO WAY “I can get my hands dirty, but not my nails” Emily will reside in or near Worcester!

  31. Lauren says:

    I was pleasantly surprised by Emily – I thought she was going to be SUPER-BORING but she surprised me!

    I thought One F Jef is a dead-ringer for “Ducky” from Pretty in Pink. The casual toss of the skateboard to the side was priceless – one of the funniest things I’ve seen on the show :).

  32. ILG says:

    I agree about Ryan! As cheesy as his intro was, my watching party loved him! It was actually pretty clever without being over-the-top. He has my vote!

  33. NYGal says:

    Don’t know where Bonnie is but in New York the show was 90 minutes, not 60. Most likely not the usual 120 because they wanted to share prime time with the Dancing Stars.

  34. BA says:

    AWESOME recap as always, Lincee.

    My favorite line:
    I predict he will go far enough for Emily to break his heart after she inevitably chooses Blane to take her to the prom.

  35. Diane says:

    Lincee, you are hysterical! I want to be at your watching parties! I actually said to my hubby last night- that egg guy needs a Bjorne! Then at the rise ceremony I said, please let him smash that egg on the floor if he doesn’t get picked! Fingers crossed for next week. Emily is my fav Bachelorette so far! She seems sweet and funny. The only thing that urks me is, her face doesn’t move when she talks. It’s almost like she’s a ventroquist.
    P.s. The bobble heads were awesome!

  36. Diane says:


  37. Jillian says:

    I miss Roberto.

    Another great recap Lincee! I’m hoping no one noticed the profound laughter bellowing from my office…

  38. Briana says:

    You totally nailed this episode….so funny. :)

    I totally thought that was a dragon egg too! Too much Game of Thrones maybe?

  39. Susie says:

    When I was looking through the pictures before last night’s show, I was smitten with Doug. He seems to be the only one with his real natural-colored teeth and regular hair.

    Soooo…..go Team Doug!

  40. Kelly says:

    Professor Snape! Yes!!

  41. Rain says:

    Laughing almost uncontrollably at my desk at the Professor Snape comment!!

    Anyone else think Kalon plays for the other team?

  42. Kendall says:

    OMGosh… am I really that dumb??? Arie is Arie Luyendyk Jr. from the Indy circuit!!! Why didn’t I put two and two together… D’OH…

  43. Lindsay says:

    I had to laugh at egg boy. As a girl who grew up on an ostrich farm (it’s true), I had to laugh when what’s his name acted like it would require such TLC to keep that egg from breaking. You need a chisel and a hammer or a drill to crack the thing… oh it hurts! But you can bet your bootie I’ll be back to watch the horror next Monday!

  44. Colorado says:

    I kept thinking… 2 things: one, must be hot b/c everyone is sweating like pigs, and two, when is a cute boy going to show up? there are tons of cuter latino/brazilian boys than what is represented here. Trust me, I spent time “studying abroad” so I know.

    My votes are for the TBI guy, Bump It, and Skateboarder. I think I especially like Bump It. He just must be trying to hide some hair loss issues.

    Is Calen the reason why everyone is crying in the upcoming shows teasers? Go ahead and tell me now so I’ll know whether or not to continue wasting my time watching the show while the kids nap. I could be doing something useful, like laundry or making supper.

  45. Michele says:

    I only watch this show so I can giggle at your recaps. Thanks for making it worth while! I totally did not get the giant egg. A baby carrier for it would be so awesome- I hope the abc intern thought of it.

  46. I actually was drinking boxed wine and am thankful for it to help me get through this disaster.

    Not only is this recap fabulous but whereelse are you going to get commenters who can lend insight into both mushroom farming and the true toughness of an ostrich egg shell?

    Loved the Blaine/prom comment. There are more than four men left that I easily think are looking for love, but more likely with each other than with her.

    Love that Emily grows a personality this season (at least it looks like it) and throws people the f out. Her commentary on the hotness of people last night was the first time I ever saw her have an opinion on something. It was refreshing.

  47. Lincee says:

    Love hearing your favorites. Keep ’em coming!

  48. Lori H says:

    Seriously think this will be the most BORING ever…I love our Emily, but that nervous giggle of hers will drive me nuts…

    Missing Roberto – maybe he’ll be the next Bachelor!

  49. white says:

    People.still no weigh in on OCHC divorce news? Now they r really going to have to step up the search for quality bachelorettes.

  50. D. Rosa says:

    Between fist pumping and taking naked FB pics of himself, Jackson is CLEARLY watching Lifetime movies. This little gem of a quote was straight out of the movie HITCH! Will Smith says it to Eva Mendes during their trip to Ellis Island. It’s the line he delivers as she opens up the passenger manifest to her great-grandfather’s name…only to be reminded that he was the Butcher of Cadiz! I hope OHCH is packing nachos for all this cheese!!!

  51. Katherine says:

    Charlie is my number 1 pick too!

  52. Marsha says:

    Just to get this out of the way, Bump It or no Bump It, Ryan is my pick. Hands down. It will be him and Arie in the final 2, unless somebody pulls a Bentley before then.

    And I hate to do this to you, Lincee, but is it just me, or was OHCH making goo-goo eyes at Emily? As sad as I would be for Lincee’s dream to go up in smoke, how hysterical would it be on after the final rose to have her say, ‘I picked someone b/c they weren’t divorced yet, but OHCH is my main man!” I’m calling it here and now.

  53. Susan says:

    Not impressed. Thinking she blew it by not making it with Brad. There were a couple of guys that I thought had possibility, but I still think Brad tops any of these boys.

  54. Jenn says:

    A few first impressions…

    1) Why does a 26 year old need Botox? Seriously.

    2) Our fair bachelorette and Heli-Guy have something in common: piano-teeth.

    3) Ditto on Charlie. :) He’s my front-runner too.

    4) Too bad there’s not a way to take best on how many times the acronym MILF is going to be used in the mansion this season…

  55. Kristin says:

    I´m feeling a little OHCH + Emily = Mini-van full of babies. Maybe that will be this season´s twist, what with his break from his wife. I´m really not being mean, I think he kind of likes her…

  56. Dee says:

    I was thinking the same thing about OHCH and Emily. She seams so much older than 26.

  57. Beth says:

    Yesterday morning I was on ABC’s page for bachelorette contestant profiles and I SWEAR to you, Bentley, Ames, Ryan P, Jeff, Blake and one other guy from Ashley’s season were in the mix with the other guys who were on last night. I was so excited and kept waiting for them to be revealed… And then seriously disappointed. I went back today and those profiles were taken off. Their profiles even said what week they were eliminated in. Did anyone else see it??? Please tell me I’m not nuts!

  58. Sarah. says:

    I saw it. You weren’t nuts.

  59. Kristin says:

    Also–Did Emily’s ex die? Was he a racecar driver? I’m confused cause it’s only brought up every 3 minutes or so.

  60. Lori says:

    @Beth…yes they had a bunch of Ashley’s bachelors on the ABC website last night. You are not crazy! Today they got rid of those but still were missing three from this season.

    Lincee…your Professor Snape comment was so darn funny. Definitely my favorite. Thank you :) And, you know, under all his long hair that guy Michael isn’t that bad looking.

  61. Teresa says:

    Ahh Lincee, now I remember why I keep watching! To read your articles. You keep me laughing! I do think OHCH did have some goo goo eyes goin on.

    I like Charlie and One F to go far…

    P.S. The picture of love child Joe… Creeeeeepy

  62. Lyndie22 says:

    Sigh….I miss Roberto too Lincee.

    Botox at 26 seriously? How insecure must a person be to have Botox at 26. I’m in my early 40’s and holding out. She can’t even do a genuine smile. Why Emily, why?

    That’s the best musician they could get seriously? That was so incredibly painful.

    I think they should bring back your so fine Mickey for Emily. They’d have pretty babies and Emily could teach them to smile.

  63. Sandy says:

    you know you are good when you have people reading that don’t even watch the show! the goats just about killed me =o)

  64. Beth says:

    Was anyone else super impressed in the “teasers” (i.e. when they play the same clip for months until we finally get to Bali and whatever..snooze.) when sweet, dainty Southern flower Emily broke out with a “What do you have to say for yourself? Then get the f&^k out of here.” I didn’t know she could bring the dramz like that. Don’t call little Ricki “baggage.”
    Also, yes on the race car driver, the bump it goldendoodle trainer, and OHCH

  65. Julieann says:

    Nashville, represent… Team Charlie all the way!!

  66. Margot says:

    Your recaps are still as witty as ever, and the main reason I keep watching this trainwreck of a series! Def. team Charlie too! Seemed real and like a normal guy you might know, unlike so many of the freaks! He seemed really sweet but funny. And I think she will favor the Southern boys, conciously or not. Also think Arie and Joe will go far. Loved Joe’s little dorky dancing entrance- doesn’t take himself too seriously which is always a good thing! Also think Ryan will go far- the whole Southern thing working with kids etc. Not totally convinced how genuine he is though. Not crazy about Dad Doug…. a little too contrived with the note from his son- I have 6 kids (blended family) and was a single mom for a while too- don’t like using your kids like that to pull out some emotion, or give you some kind of leg-up. I call lame on that one.

  67. AggieinAustin says:

    Soapbox time: these “mothers” who go on these shows talking about how they put their child first, blah, blah….and then proceed to exploit their kid and make out with at least 10 different dudes on national television just breaks my heart. Real good example you are setting for you child there Emily. Rant. Over.

  68. Reece says:

    Thanks for the laughs, Lincee! I actually have higher hopes for this season than I thought I would (is that sad?). Emily has more personality than I gave her credit for (I love the preview clip at the end when she tells someone to get the frack out), and I like Charlie and Jef and a few others. Of course, even if it ends up sucking, as it most surely will, I’ll have IHGB to look forward to every Tuesday :).

    P.S. Hate to so it, but I SO agree about OHCH having a crush on Emily. His eyes lit up when she walked into the room!!

  69. loves waves says:

    Bummer — no one really stood out for me this first go-round, although a couple were definite “no way” candidates. Six kids, seriously? And his parting comments were essentially that at 41 he’s probably TOO OLD to find someone?? WTH? And why would a 26 year old single mother be your ideal? I think she wants to HAVE more kids herself, not raise a whole passel of his! He’s fooling himself if he believes he can’t find love at 41, unless of course he wants some young girl half his age! Emily DOES seem older than 26, but give me a break!

    The grandmother routine was cheesy, as was the helicopter arrival. The boombox was silly. It’s kinda creepy to have guys saying “if she doesn’t give me a rose tonight I’ll be devastated!”

    Yep, OHCH has never raved about a bachelorette as he did about Emily last night, and let’s face it, she looked phenomenal last night, even if the dress did feel a bit over the top — she kept hiking up the front to walk and I kept thinking “look out girl, you’re about to display the groceries through that net!”


  70. Marie says:

    Agree with a couple of others who have already stated the obvious. OHCH making googly eyes at Emily, news of his divorce, the oh-so-subtle way he placed his hand on her back after their short interview.
    SPOILER ALERT: I smell a love connection and it is NOT with the bachelors-in-residence!

  71. Beth says:

    hahaha, a dragon egg–I almost fell out of my chair laughing! You are hilarious! I have to admit–that was the cheesiest group of guy entrances I’ve seen yet. I thought all hope was lost for an actual good first impression until former NFL guy pulled out the charming “you are beautiful…I am nervous!” note–so cute! And seriously–did a new guy’s hairstyle become popular while I was sleeping last night? One F and NFL…oh boy. But they seem like decent guys! So happy it’s time for your recaps again! :)

  72. MeanGene says:

    LOL – Like a gentleman, Jean-Paul totally scoped-out “dat-ass” on his exit walk 😛

    Travis caused me to have flash-backs to health class with the whole careing for an egg thing

    @Kendall – Ditto about the egg!

    @Lincee – You totaly had me rolling in the aisles describing “One f Jef” as Jimmy Neutron and Conan!

  73. MeanGene says:

    Actually, I think Brent was the only confirmable one(editing saved Jackson) who didn’t perv on her behind in the exit walk! JP was just the least subtle!

  74. Dianne says:

    Kristin – Emily’s ex-fiance (not husband) was indeed a race car driver, a very good one at that. He was killed in a plane accident, and at the time, Emily was pregnant with Ricki. Her ex-fiance’s name was Ricky Hendricks.

  75. christa says:

    Professor Snape – I DIE. HAHAHAHA
    Obviously One F Jef needs one F so he can be totally different – just like everyone else.
    Charlie and Ryan are curently my front-runners.
    Kalon is the new Erica Rose – why must they pick these types of Houstonians?
    And does anyone else think Emily’s veneers are too big for her mouth?

  76. Julie says:

    Can somebody tell me what was wrong with Emily’s mouth???? Had she been to the dentist and had Novocaine right before taping? It was the oddest thing to watch! She’d talk or smile and it would pull to one side like it does when you’re numb! Very weird, don’t remember that about her before. Her whole face looked different frankly.

  77. Elaine says:

    I LOVE that you called him “One F Jef”! Ha. That’s exactly what I started calling him!

    My vote is for Arie. Who wouldn’t want to marry a hot Indy car driver?

  78. Kim says:

    Lincee, I just want to say I love your recaps! I know you have more followers during the “season” but oh what everyone missed in the off-season!

    Thanks for all you do “on” and “off” season, you have a gift of sharing your humor with so many people. Truely blessed!

  79. texastea says:

    @Julie-Emily’s mouth has always been like that. Her veneers are too big for her mouth. That’s why I don’t know if I can stomach watching her this season.

  80. addy says:

    Oh gosh. I don’t know about this season. All I could think of at the very beginning of the show was how many dolphins were going to die because they wanted little Ricki to release a bunch of balloons. And the egg? To borrow from Lincee… Bless his heart.

  81. Monica says:

    I had to laugh that Emily made a comment that time is ticking for her to have babies. She’s 26.

    (after that comment was made, my closet-watching 32 year old roommate decided she couldn’t watch anymore)

    Emily is adorable but was not a fan of the dress- it looked as though it were 20 pounds! Hello- you have 25 guys to mix and mingle with… wear something light so it’s easy to maneuver around.

    Poor Houston. When I first saw Kalon all I thought about was if I had ever run into him somehwere in Midtown, as my guess is he’d be a regular.

    I am a huge Ryan fan. I hope he goes far, but my guess is Arie is going to win Emily’s heart…

  82. Carrie says:

    Somebody help me out – what is Professor Snape and the Blane / prom thing???

    Loving Ryan and the line – Cheesy, but in a Laughing Cow not Velveeta sort of way.

  83. Alicia says:

    Professor Snape is in Harry Potter – he is played by Alan Richman. He has the long hair, etc…like Mike with the guitar pick.

    Blane was in Pretty in Pink – the guy Molly Ringwald wanted to go to the prom with.

  84. Katie says:

    In case you wanted deets on the Mansion used for filming…

  85. Melissa says:

    Help me out here. When every guy saw Emily for the first time, including OHCH, their eyes practically fell out of their sockets and they had to scoop their tongue back into their mouth. What am I missing? To me Emily looks plastic, acts fake, is mind-numbingly boring (not remotely fun or funny), has a dreadful dye job, is of questionable intelligence, and looks about 15 years out-of-date. Even her dress and hairstyle were awful. And what was with the f-bomb in the trailer? Apparently she’s no lady either.

  86. old fan says:

    Melissa – maybe her veneers are a little too white, maybe her hair is a little too blonde … but she is genuinely lovely. Dress might have looked like a pageant dress, but still beautiful and she rocked it. She’s probably even prettier when she’s not all decked out and has a more natural look … guess we’ll see. We can all nitpick about her but she’s the most striking bachelorette ever.

  87. Jessica says:

    Not sure if you read these comments, but I had the worst (and longest) day at work today. I just laughed my #@%& off reading this! Thank you for keeping it funny…I can’t decide what I look forward to more, the show or your recap!

  88. Pixy306 says:

    Is anybody else worried about this egg? Will it start to smell? Maybe he should he be refrigerating it… Or sitting on it…

  89. SusieB says:

    I think Brad was better for Emily then any of this group and am hoping maybe she will go thru this process only to realize that Brad is the one! I know they truly were in love and wish they hadnt given up so easily. With that being said, I had the same thought about Chris Harrison. I think he’s been enamored with Emily since she was on Brad’s season. She likes older men so it wouldnt surprise me at all. Also agree that something looks odd about her and it must be too much Botox; maybe it will wear off as the season goes on!

  90. Mari says:

    Melissa, I think Emily is beautiful inside and out. She is nervous, I think, which may make her sound boring but she is polite and a lady especially compared to any other Bachelorette they’ve had on this show. I’m so glad they finally picked a classy person for the show. I wish her nothing but the best and am amazed at how critical and mean spirited some people are.

  91. Angela Barton says:

    Dude…One “F” Jef is totally Rick Astley circa ’88. (This is a positive thing in my book.)

  92. Angela Barton says:

    Arie = Tom Cavanagh

  93. Lucy8000 says:

    When Kalon first descended from the helicopter and the screen flashed his name, I automatically interpreted it as “Kay-LON” (rhymes with cylon). I kept thinking his first words were going to be, “I am Kay-lon. I come in peace. Please take me to your leader.”

  94. Homes says:

    As an openly gay man who watches the show “I love the sexy men this season” My pick is Arie..He is so hot. I wish Ames was on this season..I really liked Ames “And rumor has it he is a closet gay” Anyway fun blog and recap! Cheers

  95. Liz says:

    I am not the type to “ROFL”, Lincee, but you got me with that Pee Wee’s Big Adventure reference…thank you!

  96. Jess says:

    So excited that Bachelorette is back, solely to read your blog :) Great recap as always.

    THANK YOU for pointing out the Joe is a dead ringer for James Van Der Beek. I didn’t notice at first, but holy moly, it’s so true!

    Speaking of Dawson, have you watched The B—- in Apt. 23? It’s pretty funny!


  97. Peanut Butter says:

    First of all @Pixy…I laughed out loud when I read your comment about him sitting on the egg!!! TOO FUNNY!!!

    Lincee…you are totally hilarious!!! Your recap is right on and one of the most witty things I’ve read in a long time. I somehow learned about your website from Reality Steve’s website. So glad I did…I’m tired of his ranting and raving about how amazing he is! Who cares about the spoilers…the network spills the information in advance now anyway.

    Keep it coming…you are my new favorite Tuesday morning addiction!!!

  98. Gindi says:

    Oh my heavens, the funniest observation I have heard all week is the Joe love child comment. Hysterical. I read that Chris Harrison said this season won’t be as “wild” since Emily likes to wear dresses and heels and not climb mountains and bungee jump – hoping that doesn’t read “boring………”

  99. JennyMN says:

    Pixy-LOL. I’m worried about the egg too!

    TEAM OHCH!! I called it the minute I heard about the divorce. The timing is just right and he was totally into her in HTC Brad’s season.

  100. bean there says:

    The Season of the Steel Magnolia Bachelorette. Very promising start. What with OHCH drooling, Lux Doucher and his Chopper. Dancing Leprachauns so magically malicious. Egg Mee McGee and his soon to be stinky Offspring. Racers, Destructors, Counters, and Boarders. Testosterone everywhere. Love it! Our Emily already has these guys marking their territories. That just perfect sweet with demure illusion nude dresses and very blond tresses will NOT need adventure to interest us. It’s the pack of hungry alpha-males who will bring it on.

  101. TLew says:

    I enjoy reading the recap and the comments too.
    I do think that OHCH does get a sparkle in his eye when he sees Emily. However, I am still holding out hope that LINCEE is his new love interest!


  102. toointothis says:

    OK, so I concur with the comments about the lack of eye candy this season. Seriously? You have a Barbie Doll as the Bachelor, and you can’t find some Ken Dolls for her?!? Average-looking men…If I were her, I would have been disappointed. I can’t see her being attracted to any of these guys if she had met them randomly in “real life”. Maybe Sean, and maybe Arie, but where are the Kiptons, the Robertos, the Reids, the Grahams, etc… Jillian and Ashley had several very good-looking ones to look over… Did they weed out the good ones, hoping that they’d force her to look at personality more? Maybe I’ll be impressed later. For now, I am not.

    That being said, my husband has a great personality… but I do not look like Barbie! :-) I guess I’ll just sit back for the ride. Lincee, you make it totally worth the time…!

  103. Esta Chica says:

    I’m new to this blog, but I am so happy I found it! I laughed out loud multiple times and since I am the only one of my group of friends to be totally hooked (at least openly) It’s awesome to now have a place where I can validate the crazy crap that goes through my mind as I watch.

    So, can someone please answer one thing for me? What in the HELL does Emily do for a living that she can afford that giant 2 story house as a single mother?? I mean seriously… That is a big ass house and I never see a single mention about her having a job of ANY kind….

  104. JennyMN says:

    Esta chica-The money behind Emily comes from the family of her late fiancé Ricky Hendricks. Hendricks Racing is huge in the world of car racing. And since little Ricki is their grand-daughter, they take good care of Emily. She does have a job though. It has something to do with donating money to hospitals. Hope that helps!

  105. Lauren says:

    Charlie is from NASHVILLE, TN!!!!!!

    I love your blog

  106. Angela Steiner says:

    Check out this memoir that Kalon wrote documenting his adventures in real life. He is a douchebag in real life.

  107. Juno says:

    Interesting “memoir” by Kalon. Also noteworthy is that he seems to be doing some really major (not to mention, douche-y) partying in LA on May 18, which does not bode well for his longevity as a suitor for the lovely Emily.

  108. Karen says:

    OMG! The Joe “love child” thing was priceless!! And so true! I can’t wait to read your comments this season again, Lincee. I’m pretty sure you’re 80% of the reason I’m watching. Because I’m pretty sure that Emily WILL be a snoozer. (FYI: The Jackson-esque abs are probably the other 20%.)

  109. Alyhead says:

    Yes, Roberto was my absolute favorite of all time!!! Seriously when is he going to be the next bachelor? It’s funny to watch this season how all the guys become blubbering fools around Em…just like Brad did. Anyway, I’m glad she’s keeping it real this season and sticking in her hometown to be close to her daughter…will it make for the most exciting season of bachelorette historey? We shall see.

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