Bachelorette Emily Recap: Forgo the Fantasy Suite
I understand that crazy people guarantee drama. Of course that makes for excellent television. But I also appreciate the fact that when a gorgeous girl with unnecessary Botox has three relatively normal, non-girly tank top wearing guys from which to choose as her future husband and father to her kid, that makes for some butt-clenching moments as well.
There were six of us watching the final scene unfold last night:
Ann: “Why does my stomach hurt?”
Keri: “I wish she would pick Jef.”
Frake: “Why aren’t you taking notes Lincee?”
Lincee: “I’m distracted by the silence. Or that hideous skirt. I’m frozen with confusion.”
Kristie: “Sean’s going home.”
Frake: “It’s Arie. Or Sean.”
Keri: “This is the longest pause before a rose ceremony ever.”
Ann: “Maybe she’s going to give it to Harrison.”
Frake: “Most dramatic rose ceremony EVER.”
Emily calls Jef’s name.
Lincee: “Love him. He won’t win though.”
Kristie: “Sean is done.”
Lincee: “It’s totally Sean. He’s going home.”
Ann: “For real. My stomach is hurting.”
Frake: “JUST PICK SOMEONE.”
Kristie: “It won’t be Sean.”
Lincee: “Seriously? What is she wearing? Sexy mermaid fins from the saucy Ariel collection? With a man tank?”
Ann: “They look like nickels.”
Keri: “I can’t believe we’re still sitting here.”
Frake: “Stop rocking back and forth and take notes Lincee. Are you biting your nails?”
Kristie: “See ya Sean.”
Frake, Ann and Keri had to resuscitate Carrie after Emily called Arie’s name. Kristie and I were too busy telling everyone, “I told you so.”
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you poked on Facebook happens to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the niece/former classmate of someone who is obsessed with the Hunger Games trilogy and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
Let’s rewind from the aforementioned butt-clenching moments to the beginning of the show. Using anthropological context clues, the bits and pieces of sociology 101 I can remember from college and good old fashioned common sense, I will attempt to pinpoint the exact moment that Sean went from a Nordic log tosser with an amazing body to a card-carrying member of the official Emily Maynard Friend Zone.
Emily has officially decided that THE perfect place to fall in love is Curacao. Every Bachelor-franchise blogger makes a note to “mention all other places this season that were deemed the perfect place to fall in love…be witty” before becoming distracted over Googling the geographic location and proper spelling of Curacao. Then they take a quick pole of participants in their watching party posse to see if anyone has ever heard of Curacao before botching the name the entire night.
Our bachelorette takes a solo walk down the beach, holding a paper fan Little Ricki made her in summer art camp. She sits on some rocks and reflects on the different characteristics of her three remaining suitors.
Cue the 20 minute lover montage set to “Circles in the Sand” by Belinda Carlisle.
Emily: “Sean has sooo many things I want in a husband. Huge biceps. Ripped abs. But then there’s Jef. I like a guy who has a little bit of edge. And what says edgy better than a pair of skinny jeans and turquoise knee socks? I love that he owns his weird side. And Lord, there’s Arie. I call him ‘Sweet Arie’ because he always tastes like donuts and bubble gum. He makes me feel good about myself. Especially when he pushes me up against a wall to make out. I just don’t know who is the best fit for me and Little Ricki. It’s going to be a hard week in Cureacow.”
Emily hops off the rocks, holding a stick that I’m quite confident was a random background wizard’s wand from “Harry Potter and the Order of Phoenix” that was procured from an abandoned prop warehouse. Our bachelorette carefully scripts, “EMILY + ?” in the sand before a wave rolls in and washes away the question mark.
Welcome back ABC intern. You’ve outdone yourself this time.
FANTASY DATE 1
Sean trots over to Emily wearing a navy v-neck, hot pink shorts and his favorite pair of Toms. Ames would be so proud. She greets him in Ashely’s favorite white shorts from Build-A-Bear and a tie-dye shirt.
Sean admits that he needs to step up his game and finally tell Emily that he loves her since Arie and One F dropped the “L” bomb three weeks ago. He knows he’s behind and plans to use his time, and his six-pack, wisely.
Emily: “We are going to have a fun day. We’re going to leave Carrousel and take a helicopter over to our own personal island in the middle of the ocean to just hang out.”
Sean: “Sounds amazing.”
One would think that a day on your own personal island would be amazing. Oddly enough, I’ve seen deserted islands in movies that looked more Club Med than this stretch of beach. Really Emily? You’re going to drop the fairest boy of them all on an island with no vegetation or party tent to shade his delicate skin? Here’s hoping the ABC Intern remembered the SPF. And by the way…TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF SEAN.
They sit, fully clothed, squinting at each other on the beach that knows no shadow. She grills him about how his sister told her that he treated past girlfriends more as good buddies. He defends that he loved them, but was never IN love with them. Emily waits for him to profess his love for her. He chooses to choke and tries to cover it up with, “I forgot what I was going to say.”
I would have gone with something a little more believable. Like heat exhaustion.
He finally takes off his shirt, as does Emily, and that’s when an audible, “WHOA!” came from my couch, the neighbors upstairs, 15 text messages and 24 emails. The ladies had finally come out to play! Let’s snorkel!
They have dinner on the beach that night. Sean continues to remind Emily that he knows she comes with a bonus and that he would be the best dad ever to Little Rick. He even wrote his future step-daughter a note where he professed his love for her mother.
Emily: “This makes me so happy. Ricki will love it. It’s going in our 2012 Journey scrapbook. I’ll put it next to that picture of you in the kilt so we’ll always be able to remember you.”
Sean leans in for a kiss and gropes for either a thigh or Emily’s butt. He lands somewhere in the middle. Emily pucker kisses a few pecks before disengaging long enough to hand over the forgo card skeleton key date invitation from Our Host Chris Harrison.
I wonder if Harrison gets a kick out of the fact that we all have the note memorized? I’d like to think so.
Before Sean can respond, Emily gives him the green light and tells him that she would love to have the chance to stay up with him…and talk. I appreciated the fact that she made it a point to say that she has a little girl at home and would not be spending the night with him. Sean agreed and Emily escorted him to a fantasy suite decorated exactly like a suburban model home from 1987. I assume that’s where the ABC intern secured a Walkman which contained the worn cassette single copy of “Circle in the Sand.”
Emily and Sean kiss like my Great Aunt Edna kisses the grandkids for a few hours before she puts on a crocheted, backless “cover up” and accompanies him to the back door.
FANTASY DATE 2
ONE F JEF
Enter the Kingdom of Awesome with me ladies and gentlemen…Emily is rockin’ the bang braid! It also appears to be pant optional day on the beaches of Curockal because Emily spends the entire date in a tiny purple bikini and hot pink gossamer shirt.
They spend their time on a private yacht and immediately begin to talk about the hometown date. Due to the interference caused by Emily’s unbraided locks whipping around her head, the first couple of minutes in this entire exchange consisted of me wondering if Cassie was just being mean by not letting Emily borrow the rubber band that every girl keeps on her wrist. Could we cut for a moment so Emily can braid the entire head of hair? Perhaps One F could let her borrow his hair spray or other styling products? He doesn’t seem to have an issue with the oncoming monsoon.
Then I started paying attention. Because that’s why you come here. To read a recap. Not the random musings in my head. Onward.
At this point, One F Jef tells Emily that his entire sibling unit loved her and that all gave glowing reports to the parents. He then goes on to arrange a meeting with them after “all of this” is done.
Jef asks Emily if she thinks he would be a good parent. Great question. After pouring accolades all over him, he tells Emily that he would love to meet Little Ricki. Dare I say his moments with Emily are the closest we’ve ever seen to normal, non-scripted footage
OFJ: “We have a great balance. Don’t you think?”
Emily: “Yes. I could get you out of trouble, and you could get me into trouble.”
Come one people. Isn’t this the foundation from which all great relationships are built? I can see them having a future together. He’d paddle her around on a stand up surfboard and she’d let him borrow her Frizz-Ease. He’d teach Little Ricki to skate and she’d braid his bangs when the wind got too crazy. Clearly, it’s a match made in heaven.
She picks him up for dinner that night in a “living art” dress made entirely of colored rhinestones. It was a wacked out combination of stained glass and mosaic, straight from the Project Runway challenge discard pile.
Jef asks more questions about where they would live and why she thinks relationships haven’t worked in the past. They both decided that they could live anywhere and that dating didn’t work before because there wasn’t an “it” factor there.
OFJ: “You know Ricki better than anyone. You know me pretty well. Am I a good fit for her?”
Emily: “I think about that a lot. I had a couple of days between Prague and hometown and I woke up and was packing her lunch, making her breakfast…picturing what it would be there if someone else was there. You popped in my head.”
A collective murmur rippled across my living room. Don’t give One F false hope Emily. We all agreed that she better pick him in the end after that statement. It’s just too mean not to.
To top it off, she gives him the forego skeleton key date card fantasy suite memo. He reads the message from Our Host Chris Harrison and then politely rejects the invitation. He respects her, her daughter and his family too much to “stay as a couple” and figures they must bridle their passions (plural) before moving to the next step.
I think we all stood up at that point, knowing that if Emily breaks One F Jef’s heart, there will be PLENTY of girls lined up to ease the pain.
Emily LOVED his gentlemanly gesture and drug him along anyway to the pimped out tree house. Again, she let him know that he had to leave at a decent hour by refusing to even remove her shoes while perched on the day bed. Or maybe she was afraid to walk on the zebra skin rug? Who knows? What we do know that upon further inspection, there were no sofas from the Laura Ashley collection, hunter green carpeting or clear acrylic bar stools next to a can of Fresca and a poster of Max Headroom. Congratulations Jef! Your Teddy Roosevelt-inspired fantasy suite wins!
FANTASY DATE 3
Talking is for amateurs. Why have a conversation about the future when you can make out all day long on a boat? Or while swimming with dolphins? Or as you walk along the beach? Or back on the boat again? According to Emily, it’s THAT good. Sure the crafty editing would have viewers believe that she’s looking for more in a potential husband and father than minty fresh breath and a talented tongue, but when it comes to the hot race car driver’s make out skills compared to the non-emotional live Ken doll … hot will always trump plastic.
I couldn’t help but notice the vast difference between Emily’s date with Sean and the current soft core porn I was witnessing. She seemed to pull away from Sean in the swimming pool and like I mentioned a thousand times before, she only went in for the kiss with her lips puckered. I wouldn’t think anything of it if I didn’t have such a confident grasp on her making out technique from the countless hours we’ve been subjected to while watching her and Arie kiss around the entire globe. When they finally had a conversation at dinner, Arie said all the right things about how he loved her, how he knew from the beginning that she was the one and how he wanted to build a relationship with Ricki based on trust.
Three sentences. Then they started making out. Again.
In the end, Emily didn’t trust herself enough to even go in the vicinity of the fantasy suite with Arie. The invitation remained tucked under her dinner plate. It’s a shame all those rose petals on the bed were wasted.
This had to be the worst rose ceremony ensemble in the history of Emily’s reign as bachelorette. It was an interesting mixture of bus boy at uncle’s Italian restaurant tank on top meets the funkiest skirt made of aluminum can remnants as seen in Alexander McQueen’s spring runway. To complete the look, she chose a sleek pony tail and wooden jewelry. Note: her white tank top was more masculine than the darling one Ryan wore a few episodes ago. And is it just me or did Emily choose to NOT forgo the opportunity to get a discount boob job in Coocureoe?
She shimmies her way up some stairs with the assistance of Harrison’s toned forearm and begins to debrief. It only took him four questions to get her to break down and cry. For the next 30 minutes, Emily tearfully hopes that she’s made the right decision even though she’s falling in love with each of them for different reasons.
Then he adds a little fuel to the fire by reintroducing the old school video messages from Bachelor days of yore. VINTAGE!
In a nutshell, Sean squints a lot and shares that he’s ready to live his life with her and Little Ricki. Jef was very eloquent and promised to defend, protect and make her cheeks sore from laughing. Arie complimented her during his two minute spiel.
Emily takes another few minutes to cry it out and reapply before heading out to the guys who are all wearing their Curusoe casuals. She preps her decision with a 10 minute monolog and that’s when my ulcer began. .
See top of recap.
One F Jef and Arie are the chosen ones. Of course I wavered because I always think ABC is trying to fake me out, but I did stand by Sean’s name as the unlucky reject for 90% of the night. Here’s why:
1. The kissing: It just wasn’t there. Ever. And she approached every kiss with a pucker. She didn’t want there to be any more intimacy than the affection she shows a lovable niece or an adoring puppy.
2. Her body language: Yes she had a borderline OCD fixation with rubbing his bicep, but that’s just because she was trying to remind herself what he looked like without a shirt on. Most of the time, he was pulling her to him or he was leaning in. She never moved, or on occasion, actually leaned back away.
3. Her insecurities: Emily has insecurity issues. For those of us who don’t have her perfect hair, body and skin, we wonder why? But in the end, she’s just a girl who needs to know that the boy likes her. She wants to be pursued and she wants to believe the words. Most of the time Sean never shared his true feelings (which I think were legitimate) and when he did, he was reading them.
4. He reminded her of Brad: She kept trying to find his faults and he had none. I think she’s afraid of someone who isn’t salty. She wants some edge. She wants some danger. Sean did not fit that description. Or ABC edited him to death.
5. Sean and Arie are the same: Before you email me and tell me I’m on crack, hear me out. I think she puts them both in the same “hot guy” category and One F Jeff was in a league of his own. Jef is intriguing enough to keep. So it was down to Arie and Sean. And if you were forced to pick from two normal, hot guys, you have to narrow the field down to physical chemistry. Puckering Nordic on the wicker 80s furniture? Or bad boy horizontal on the catamaran?
Emily walks Sean to the rejection bench where they sit in silence. I believe it was Emily’s responsibility to speak first but she didn’t. Poor Sean was forced to pour out all of the pieces of his shrapneled heart. Emily chokes back tears during, “I’m not sure what to say” and “I feel stupid” and “This hurts me.” She really melted down when he revealed that he knew when she walked out in her blinged out mermaid skirt and gym tank that she was going to be his wife.
I think he handled the exit with as much dignity as he could muster after they forced him to stuff his large, handsome body into what was essentially a clown car. Bonus points that he didn’t cry. Yet again, the lack of emotion was his probable downfall.
What did you guys think? Was the wrong guy sent home? Will she choose Arie over One F Jef? Would you be caught dead in a saucy mermaid tail with anything other than a shell bra on top? Sound off in the comment section below!
Next week, Our Host Chris Harrison dives into the testosterone known as the “Men Tell All.” Contestant Chris will talk about his embarrassing exit and new gig on The Bachelor Pad; Sean will be a gracious participant in the hot seat. Fingers are crossed that En Fuego Roberto will be announced as the next bachelor. And Ryan will finally get the opportunity to explain his feminine tank top.
Mark your calendars. The finale is SUNDAY, JULY 22.
All about the fame, not the shame,