How refreshing was last week’s speedy, 90-minute installment of The Bachelorette? Can I get an AMEN? Take a moment and really appreciate the efficiency that comes with an episode that trims the fat off such filler nonsense as Scott Wickersham’s five minute long pre-recording of Eye Witness News taking place “live from the sky” above ABC’s rented bachelor mansion where it is rumored that hometown hero Emily Maynard will be choosing a father for Little Ricki among an assembly line of quirky suitors. Pretty boys and bar owners need not apply.

Truly. Last week Emily got in, pinned and got on with her life. Last night, ABC took two hours of sequined ball gowns, gratuitous shirtless scenes by the pool, a bipolar pig puppet and handwritten dreams placed inside a magical clock to slowly chip away at my soul. Luckily, well deserved heckles by Our Host Chris Harrison and a beloved old crotchety Muppet kept me from jamming a pencil into my right eye socket to help ease pain.

In conclusion, I shall sum up last night’s show in four words: Mah Na, Mah Na.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you poked on Facebook happens to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the niece/former classmate of someone who is obsessed with the Hunger Games trilogy and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

After a brief montage showcasing Emily carrying on about her normal daily life in the park with friends and their kids talking about nervous first dates and Little Ricki’s soccer practice, we arrive at the mansion where Harrison confidently stands outside in an amazing electric blue button down shirt, waiting for the bachelors to arrive so he can deliver his spiel about how this crazy show works. He understands more than anyone how confusing the rose distribution process must be for some of these contestants and takes his job very seriously. Suddenly, we witness a rare moment in which Our Host literally shouts for the gentlemen to join him in the courtyard.

I was shocked. Everyone knows that Harrison can speak volumes with the single raise of an eyebrow or twinkle of his piercing blue eyes. Was the ABC intern unavailable for gofering? Doesn’t he have someone in his entourage he can officially appoint as Harrison’s Herald? The only thing I can deduce is that 87-percent of the men had already peed on all of the shrubbery and Our Host took to raising his voice above the gentle hum of a manly baritone in order to establish himself as the Alpha Male of the group.

The men settle on the rattan furniture as Harrison effortlessly rattles off the do’s and don’ts of the little reality show that could.

DO pack your bags on single dates, because you may not be coming home.
DON’T share the fact that said bags are actually Louis Vuitton’s new luggage line.
DO make the most of your time with Emily.
DON’T make her read a 15-page letter (front and back) while on camera.
DO spend as much time as possible shirtless by the pool.
DON’T ride your skateboard on the freshly washed driveway.

Our Host Chris Harrison establishes eye contact with each contestant, making note of those who do not look away immediately. He pulls the first date card from his back pocket (lucky envelope) and places it on the table. The men wait a good two minutes before moving, when First Impression Rose Doug takes the card.

For a moment, I thought it was going to be super awkward for him to read his own name. Traditionally, First Impressioners are rewarded by landing the coveted first one-on-one date. Not this time. Doug gives us two free tickets to the gun show as he unnecessarily, yet graciously takes his sweet time flexing and flaunting his massive forearms and biceps to rip open the envelope inviting Ryan to be Emily’s king in the queen city.

Ryan takes a few moments to work in a few sets of shoulder shrugs, put on a grey Henley (paying homage to Groban) and fastens his Bump-it in his hair before strolling out to the pool where the others are awaiting Emily’s arrival. ABC throws a bone to the 8.2 million women, few husbands who secretly tune in and gay guys who watch the show by featuring complimentary shots of glistening abs, chiseled backs and man nipples.

Emily arrives wearing a purple and white striped long-sleeve t-shirt and white pants. Her makeup is light and airy and her hair appears a degree or two lower than normal. Ryan asks if he can take her hand as they head to her white Tahoe. Emily drives Ryan to her house and instructs him to fetch all of the groceries from the back seat because it’s honey-do day at the mansion!

Emily: “Usually, the first date is always so glamorous and over-the-top. As a single Mom, that’s just not my style. I’m snack Mom for Little Ricki’s soccer team today and I need help baking cookies and wedging oranges. I need to see if Ryan runs for the hills when he’s forced to live my life. And I need to see him in a frilly apron.”

I imagine Ryan changed three light bulbs, moved some furniture and took out the garbage before fixing a clogged toilet in the west wing before Emily drove him to the soccer game and made him wait in the car while she distributed the delicious treats.

I get that she doesn’t want Little Ricki to meet this complete stranger, but as Ryan sat in the Tahoe looking mighty creepy as he watched his crush and her daughter from afar, I began to wonder if this is what ABC had in store for us during this season. Yes, she’s a single Mom and yes I admire her for not agreeing to do the show without her daughter. But watching six-year-olds eat non-slice-n-bake cookies and gnaw on orange peels does not make for riveting television.

I give you reason number 43 to make this show ONLY ONE HOUR LONG.

Emily returns with a few orange slices and juice boxes for Ryan, halfway convincing him that their next stop is Chuck-E-Cheese. JUST KIDDING BUMP-IT!

In the next shot, Ryan is ironing his shirt. Let it be known that he has a great neck, but I begin to worry that he’s suffering from Grobanitis due to the fact that he once again sports a suit in a hue resembling the charcoal family. He exits a hotel to find Emily leaning provocatively up against a sports car looking entirely annoyed that the camera man suggested she lean provocatively up against a sports car. That sound you heard was thousands of straight men cursing themselves for not signing up for this season’s amazing journey.

Emily does look stunning in her one-armed purple, tight fitting dress. If this was Ashley’s season, I’d work in a Build-A-Bear comment to poke fun at the length of this little number. For some reason, it just works on Emily.

Ryan: “You look amazing! Lady in red!”
Lincee: “Technically, lady in magenta, but I’ll let it slide Bump-it.”

Ryan is given control of the vehicle and drives Emily to her favorite restaurant in Charlotte. Most of the women from her book club and the less conservative members of the Junior League have gathered around the entrance of the establishment to show their support of Charlotte’s hometown hero.

I found this odd.

Emily and Ryan toast the night and our bachelorette begins peppering the muscled one with difficult questions.

Emily: “So tell me about your girlfriend.”
Lincee: “Wait…what?”
Ryan: “EX-girlfriend.”
Lincee: “Why does she know about an ex-girlfriend Bump? HEAD IN THE GAME MAN.”

Ryan redeems himself by reciting a decent soliloquy, confessing that he wants a woman to help him step out of his comfort zone. He wants to pursue her too. Emily challenges with something about not playing cat and mouse forever once the chase is over. Ryan wisely answers, “Why does the chase ever have to be over?”

Most women swoon at that remark. Not Emily.

Emily: “I don’t want this to be a game. Either you fall in love or you don’t.”
Ryan: “I think a lot of guys will see this as a competition and you are the prize. You need to pick the right guy who has the right intentions. I will put my best foot forward while revealing who I really am. You need to allow this man to be open and treat Ricki like the rest of the children you will have with them.”

Emily giggles. He had her at mini van full of babies. She talks about handing over control because she’s tired of being in charge. And by handing over control she means that she’s really not handing over any control whatsoever.

Ryan: “A smart man knows that.”

What in the world? Like Emily, I wonder if this guy is for real. She confesses that he may be a little too good to be true, but she’s going to give him exactly what he wants…the chase of a lifetime.

Emily takes Ryan’s hand and snakes in and out of the randomly gathered crowd, still hanging out in the restaurant parking lot. Curiouser and curiouser. Ryan hoists Emily up on a makeshift stage near the handicapped parking. The country band Gloriana has assembled to sing their kicky love ballad “Kissed You Good Night” with fingers crossed that this somewhat fortuitous meet-n-greet will at least land them a top five slot on the country iTunes chart.

Note: The last time I checked, they were number three. Behold the power of Bachelor Nation everyone. Doesn’t it make you feel special to be a part of something so…scary?

Our love birds begin to sway back and forth just like I did with Toby Mullikin during my “I’ll Be Loving You Forever” – themed eighth grade dance. Middle aged women are torn between fainting over Ryan’s beef cakeness and Gloriana’s lead singer’s mesmerizing gaze. Ryan whispers sweet nothings in her ear, including “this is surreal” and “I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else in the world right now” as the crowd updates their Facebook statuses and a few technologically savvy ones Tweet photos to dozens of followers and @chrisbharrison.

I can imagine this exchange had it been me dancing with Ryan in the middle of Hallsville, Texas. ABC would probably shut down the red light on Highway 80, which is totally not a big deal since the city does that every year when citizens celebrate Western Days. Swarms of people I’m either related to or graduated high school with would clamor around the Dairy Queen asking my Daddy, “Johnny Ray…what’s your last name?” The special platform would probably be substituted for Mr. Greer’s flat bed trailer he hauls hay on in the winter. And I would insist Ryan two-step with me as Gloriana belted their recently dropped number three hit “Kissed You Good Night” as I made sure I gave him zero body language that I would be anywhere NEAR interested in him actually going through with the subject matter of the serenade when everyone I ever knew existed, including the high school baseball coach and his entire staff, are standing right there staring at me.

Baseball + Baseball uniforms = I miss Roberto.

GROUP DATE
“Let’s Set the Stage for Love”
Andros
Nate
Tony
Michael
Wolf
Jef
Charlie
Kyle
Chris
Aaron
Stevie
Kalon

Kalon uses context clues to decipher Emily’s cryptic message and announces that more than likely, this date will take place on or near a stage. Never fear, Kalon has a flair for the theatrics. He played the transformational role of Pinocchio in his school’s play once upon a time, so he’ll be fine.

Thank you Captain Obvious, but I think the bigger question here is why in the world is DJ Stevie wearing a sweater over his shoulders like some sort of luxury brand consultant? I became so enthralled by the strange yuppiness of the look that I almost missed Emily’s announcement that the boys would be performing that night to benefit a wonderful cause: The Levine Children’s Hospital that houses a special pediatric wing dedicated to the late Ricky Hendrick. The only thing that could have distracted me more would be the addition of a pair of Muppets.

Enter Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy.
Cue Tony geeking out.
Try to erase from memory Tony impersonating Kermit.
Sigh in unsuccessful irritation that there are some things you just can’t un-hear.

The boys are split into three groups: singers, dancers and stand-up comedians. Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) Charlie has been corralled into the stand-up group and almost hurls at the thought of speaking in front of a bunch of strangers, even with the assistance from world-renowned comedian Fozzie Bear. He finds sanctuary in Emily’s dressing room (convenient) where he begs her to let him off the hook, explaining that there are some insecurities he suffers from when dealing with the aftermath of his 15-foot balcony fall. This includes public speaking. Emily is gracious, grants him immunity and gives him the sheet music to rehearse “Rainbow Connection.”

The next 30 minutes consist of our bachelors and Emily practicing their contribution to a cobbled together variety show. I won’t waste your time explaining the events in detail. Instead, I will provide a beta cap that will save you time, energy and stability of mind. You’re welcome.

Emily pageant smiling. Boys tuxedo wearing. Stevie enthusiastically dancing. Tony still impersonating. Kermit flirting. Piggy HI-YAH-ing. Wolf howling. Harrison autograph signing. Lincee jealous seething. Emily bouncing. Joke telling. Audience moaning. Poem reciting. Lincee eye rolling. TBI almost choking. One F Jef proposing. Little Ricki stage storming. Lincee watch checking. Frog kissing. “Rainbow Connection” singing.

Three things to note about the Muppet segment:
1. Both Tony and Stevie’s intense eagerness to sing and dance with the beloved Muppets reminded me of this age-old question:

Why yes. I do own this song. Why do you ask?

2. Our Host Chris Harrison filling in for Statler heckling the bachelors from the balcony with Waldorf was the best consolidated 86-seconds of the entire show. Brilliant. Simply brilliant.

3. Why in the world did show creators not utilize Animal, Swedish Chef and Beaker? Sure I’m a purist and will always have tremendous respect for Kermit, but you can’t deny the entertainment value of a crazy drum solo, man hands on a puppet and pyrotechnics. Couple those guys with Harrison and the old guy in the balcony and that’s a 30-minute segment I can get behind.

4. Emily: “I will never forget tonight no matter how hard I try.”
Lincee: “Join the club.”

Our bachelorette hosts an after party on the roof of the theater where she shows up wearing a dress that has a see-through back. Being a lady, she does not forfeit the bra. Chris whisks her away and she compliments him on his looks before tossing a significant head nod / flirty wink. Chris dies. Goes to heaven. And then comes back.

Emily toddles over to play a sever game of “don’t you like me?” with One F. Presumably unaware of this vixen’s advances, Jef honestly confesses that it’s hard for him to believe she is into him when she gives the same looks to a bunch of other guys. Emily is put in her place, wonders if this is what it feels like to have a boy possibly not like you and gives him the date rose as a sign of good will.

Even though I truly believe he’s not playing a game…well played One F.

Meanwhile, Stevie dances “old school” with Emily and TBI Charlie (who previously endeared himself to viewers) completely back pedaled his good will by inviting the other guys to watch Stevie make a fool of himself. Don’t be a douche Charlie.

Speaking of, Kalon steals Emily away from Sir-Mix-A-Lot and boy was he mad!

Stevie: “Keiran, Kalon, Chopper … whatever his name is … he’s bad news.”

Wow. When the deejay isn’t even invested in knowing the name of his arch nemesis and producer-appointed villain, you’ve got problems. What a waste. I suggest he watch the tapes of Wes Hayden and Courtney the Model to see how it’s really done.

Keiran, Kalon, Chopper is just beginning to complain about how there are no pretty girls in Texas (for shame) when the biology teacher adjusts his frames and insists on rescuing Emily.

Chopper: “Give me two minutes.”
Aaron: “I can’t wait two minutes.”

Emily would rather melt into her sparkly Manolos before making a decision between the two. Chopper “graciously” allows Emily to walk away with the teacher and then complains to the Wolf and Sir Stevie about Aaron’s audacity.

Wolf: “I believe if you carry Louis Vuitton luggage, you’re a BLEEP.”

The bleeped out explicative was too short for that sentence to end with total dillweed. Although I imagine I would somewhat agree with the Wolf’s assessment, I wonder what Keiran, Kalon, Chopper would say about the Wolf’s luggage? Probably something about brown paper sacks, Wal-Mart plastic bags and luxury brand consultant envy.

Second One-On-One Date
Dawson Leery’s Love Child Joe
“Come Close To My Heart”

It’s date three and Emily is finally ready for some over-the-top action. Don’t get too excited Dawson…she’s talking about the date logistics. Emily stands ready in a short, tight gold dress near the red carpet on the runway of her favorite private airport. He stumbles out of the limo wearing a blue and pink plaid shirt, subconsciously sending Emily’s brain a message that he is ready for a family. She insists that they will not need the ladder to climb up to second story windows, so he leaves it with the ABC intern.

They arrive at The Greenbriar resort in West Virginia. This place is near and dear to Emily’s heart because it’s where she grew up and spent summers with her family. They comment on the flowery-papered halls, swim in the 100-year-old pool and walk the estate taking in the general splendor of it all.

Back at the mansion, Keiran, Kalon, Chopper hangs out by the pool with a few of his fellow housemates. He makes a rather bold statement:

Chop: “I always thought that my first child would be my actual child. The idea of embracing someone else’s child is a big step.”
Doug: “Being a father is a big deal. Make sure you guys are ready in your heart. I can guarantee you that nothing is more important to her than Little Ricki.”

Chop: “You put your life on hold and we respect that.”
Doug: “Are you saying I put being a Dad on hold to come out here? I need you to back up and apologize.”

I actually don’t think that Keiran, Kalon, Chopper was looking to pick a fight with Doug. Have you seen his arms? With that said, I was itching for SOME SORT OF DRAMA that I found myself internally chanting, “FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT.” At least have Doug punch the luxury aviator sunglasses off his “youngest guy here” face or something.

Back at the Greenbriar, Dawson cleans up in a suit and meets Emily walking down a massive staircase in a dusty rose evening dress suitable any modern day version of Sleeping Beauty and nothing else. As she takes her time descending, you can almost visualize the wedding that she’s been dreaming of having in this very spot since she was knee high to a grasshopper. She’s caught up in the romance, the fantasy and the whimsical nature of it all before being interrupted by Dawson’s goofy grin and adolescent salutation.

It’s going to be a long dinner.

Emily: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Lincee: “Beyond the Creek.”
Dawson: “I see myself happy. With no regrets.”

Emily: “And what does that mean?”
Lincee: “Working for Spielberg.”
Dawson: “I’ll do anything you want. I’ll pack my bags right now.”

Frustrated, Emily starts to talk about having kids and balancing her life with his expectations. She admits to the camera that she doesn’t have a single butterfly in her tummy. Yet she insists on making him fill would a love wish to stick in the innards of an old, dusty clock on top of the mantle in the Belvedere Room.

Emily’s love wish is something generic about being content and confident that her love will stand the test of time. Dawson’s love wish includes Little Ricki, Emily’s parents and a return anniversary trip to the Greenbriar.

Emily: “You’re a really sweet guy, but I don’t see where I fit in your life.”
Lincee: “Do I need to go pull out the pink piece of paper that he just read to you from the bowels of the love clock Em?”

Hurt by the sting of lost love, Dawson suggests they part ways. Annoyed that he left his ladder back in Charlotte, he’s forced to walk down the steps to the left of the balcony as the haunting lyrics of Paula Cole echo in the background.

I DON’T WANNA WAIT
FOR OUR LIVES TO BE OVER
WILL IT BE YES OR WILL IT BE
SORRY
DO DO DO DO DO
DO DO DO DO DO

Apparently, the decision to paddle Dawson back down the creek was lost in translation because the ABC intern set off the celebratory fireworks. It was a pitiful scene. Peace out Dawson. Have Pacey call me when you get back to Capeside.

ROSE CEREMONY
Emily’s Mama zips her into another ball gown before our bachelorette kisses Little Ricki and heads over to the mansion. Her first order of business is making sure hot race car driver Arie knows that she thinks he is the be all end all. She admits that he makes her nervous after finding out that he has dated a single Mom before.

Tony spies Ryan from out on the veranda and becomes physically flustered that the guy with a neck the size of a tree trunk should not dominate Emily’s precious time since he already is the owner of a coveted red bud. TBI Charlie, One F Jef and the Andros encourage him to interrupt. Affirmation from the cool kids gives Tony just enough confidence to burst through the French doors as Ryan is handing over a love note he wrote. Ryan insists Emily read the entire thing while he sits and listens.

Confidence killer indeed.

Tony is clearly stuck. He can’t leave after making such a dramatic entrance. Yet he doesn’t want to stay to hear Emily recite Ryan’s epic sonnet. What’s a lumber salesman to do?

Like the rest of us, he had to endure the torture.

Emily concedes that Ryan could have chosen a better time to share his hand written narrative. She welcomes Tony with open arms asking if he left his note in the other room.

I’d like to see more of this personality please.

To no one’s surprise, Tony talks about his love for the Muppets and then shares with Emily that he has a five-year-old son. She promises to “be there for him” whenever he gets upset about being away from his kid, which apparently happens next week.

Kalon blames Doug for painting him as an outcast and whines to Emily about being the youngest contestant and how he doesn’t relate to girls his age.

Note to the luxury sales consultant: Emily is your exact same age. Stop talking. Now.

Hot Sean from Dallas: “Kalon uses his vocabulary to show dominance in the household.”

I too use vicious rhetoric to win most of my battle Sean. Is that so wrong?

Harrison arrives wearing a questionable outfit of various patterns in the grey section of the color wheel (when will the madness stop I ask you?), inviting Emily to pass out the 16 boutonnières. Roses go to:

Ryan
One F Jef
Kalon
Arie
Long Hair Michael
Nate the Accountant
Sean
Chris
Doug
Travis (where is your egg dude?)
Tony
Wolf
Alessandro
Charlie
Alejandro
Stevie

Some guy named Kyle and the biology teacher were sent home.

So what do you guys think? Will this season be as boring as I have predicted? Has either Andro uttered one sentence? Who is Nate and how do I know that he’s an accountant? Would you watch an entire half our of Statler and Harrison making fun of the show? Can somebody call Fleiss about this idea? Is it just me or do you think Scooter would make the best Bachelor ever? Sound off in the comments section.

All about the fame, not the shame,
Lincee