“Odle lay dee, odle lay dee, odle lay HEE HOO!”

I once went out with a guy who raised goats. I made him a mixed tape and The Sound of Music’s “Lonely Goat Herd” was the first track. We broke up a few months later. He stated irreconcilable differences. Whatever. It was more like he couldn’t handle the awesome.

How’s that for an intro?

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you poked on Facebook happens to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the niece/former classmate of someone who is obsessed with the Hunger Games trilogy and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

For the first time since I’ve been recapping The Bachelor, I have actually visited one of the exotic date locations. My travels have a tendency to whisk me away to more oil and gas destinations like Williston, North Dakota and even though places in the North Slope are interesting to see, I highly doubt an ABC producer is currently scouting Glendive, Montana as a viable choice for forego card dates…even if it is the paddlefish capital of the world.

It is with great chagrin that I confidently vow that Prague is the perfect place to fall in love. I know, I know. Excuse me for a moment while I bless my own heart.

Emily is once again burdened with the task of lugging her own turquoise suitcase. Where is the ABC intern? I fear for his future because this is the second time in two weeks he has been MIA.

Our Host Chris Harrison meets the six remaining bachelors in front of Prague Castle to give the 4-1-1 on this week’s dating scenarios. There will be three one-on-ones and a group date. Those who get roses will win hometown dates. His dashing coat and dapper neck scarf completes the look of a man who spares no expense in commanding a debonair presence without putting off a luxury brand consultant vibe. Sadly, those in his immediate vicinity are channeling the less refined Bieber look. Hoodies all around! In grey, no less. I guess the boys are doing their part to spread the fever to the Czech Republic. To that, I say, “Baby, baby, baby…NO!”

FIRST ONE-ON-ONE DATE
Arie
“Let’s Czech Out Prague Together”

Y’all, this is so weird, but I totally wore my gold sequined boy shorts with a white blazer when I toured Prague too! What are the odds? I have to say that for Emily, it seems like an unnatural choice for someone who lives her life with a perpetual chill, but who am I to judge? Sometimes, we just have to make sacrifices for fashion. Except when those fashion choices are selected from the Build-A-Bear website. I’m looking at you Ashley.

The date begins with Emily picking Arie up from the hotel. Sean throws fetching “come hither” glances her way, One F smiles and adjusts his knee socks, Wolf appears bored and the ABC Psychotherapist considers upping the dosage of Contestant Chris’ meds. I loved that the camera shows her carrying Frommer’s Guide to Prague book.

Emily explains that she wants this date to be normal. Just her and her husband, wandering around on vacation doing Praguey things together, like sipping hot wine, stopping traffic to kiss in the middle of the street, reciting fun facts about the Charles Bridge and sending subliminal messages about the importance of loyalty and having a trustworthy partner.

Emily: “I know something that Arie isn’t telling that someone told me. She knows I know. But he doesn’t know she knows I know he knows, you know?”

Clearly, this is a job for Harrison.

The intriguing architecture and charming shops of Prague slowly morph into Our Host standing in the freshly sprayed driveway of the gleaming Bachelor franchise mansion which recently experienced a complete once-over with Lysol and hand sanitizer in preparation for the new season of Bachelor Pad. Harrison introduces himself and puts on his stern face.

Hold on people. This must be SERIOUS.

OHCH: “I’d like to take this time to talk to you about something you may have heard or read about…Aries past with one of our producers named Cassie. We taped a segment where Cassie interviews Emily about the situation and because there are no rules in The Bachelorette, we’ll play that for you now. Take that Reality Steve. You’re welcome rest of the world.”

The scene switches to a b-roll package of the infamous Cassie placing a microphone on Emily and then interviewing her about how her dating Arie once upon a time was so not a big deal.

Emily: “If he’s hiding that, what else is he hiding?”
Cass: “It’s not like he’s hiding it. It never came up. It was sooo long ago. Like 10 years.”

Emily: “Well then, he should have said, ‘Hey…the girl you hang out with all the time? I used to date her. Isn’t that weird?’ And I would have said, ‘Cool.’ This isn’t a production thing for the show. This is real life.”

The scene switches again to Arie’s one-on-one date. They are on the Charles Bridge and Emily makes him rub a dog that is displayed on one of the statues because it represents loyalty. “You should do it twice. Loyalty is a big thing for me.”

They stop to eat lunch at an outdoor café. Emily insists on badgering Arie with persistent conversation about trustworthiness, loyalty and honesty.

Arie grasps at straws and finally succumbs to the conclusion that Emily is fishing for him to reveal a super huge secret. He chooses at that moment to share the one thing that he’s kept hidden from her since they met.

Arie: “I’d like to be totally honest with you right now.”
Emily: “Yes?”

Arie: “I have a huge tattoo of a wing going down my arm. The truth is, I’m not an Aerosmith fan. The wing covers up the name of a girl I once dated. The one with two kids.”
Emily: “Interesting.”

Harrison leads us to believe that Arie’s choice to exclude significant information about his love affair will forever place a seed of doubt in Emily’s heart. BRING IT ON! Unleash the West Virginia, backwoods, hood rat on his a$$!

That was so…not the case.

After a few segments of building drama, Emily has an off-screen conversation with both Cassie and Arie and all is forgiven. We find the pair snogging on top of a boat as victory fireworks blast overhead. Emily slides into baby talk, blinks her eyes shares that she’s already planning her outfit for when she meets his family. He responds by telling her that he loves her. Somewhere in Bachelor Nation, Roz is calling her lawyer and demanding an apology and some sort of monetary compensation.

SECOND ONE-ON-ONE
Wolf
“In Prague, All You Need Is Love”

Emily admits that she kept the Wolf around another week because he showed a sensitive side at the cocktail party in Croatia. At the same time, she hopes that he realizes time is running out and how lucky he is that she’s given him this opportunity to kick it into high gear.

They make their way to the John Lennon Wall, Emily spits out a few facts and then suggests they paint something that represents their relationship. Proving that he is a few Bradys short of a bunch in the romance department, Wolf draws a boat which took way more talent than, oh I don’t know, a heart with an arrow through it.

Down the way, they stumble upon the Love Fence that represents eternal bliss. It’s simple really. You can’t screw this one up. All you have to do is write your initials (W + E) on the pad lock and then snap it in place on one of the fence rungs.

Of course, that theory goes out the window when your potential beloved can’t seem to make the pad lock work.

Wolf: “This isn’t a good sign.”
Lincee: “You think?”

Emily babbles on about how this was symbolism for how she and Wolf don’t “connect” and how they haven’t been able to “lock down” any chemistry and that she wishes she had a “crow bar” so she could “disconnect” and not have to suffer through dinner on the floor of a dodgy dungeon.

Emily plasters a smile on her face and gets through dinner by thinking of Sean in a kilt. Wolf shares a personal story about his no good, cheating ex-girlfriend who dumped him for “some doctor dude” three days after their one-year anniversary. Emily empathizes as Wolf remembers the horrific three days when her cell phone was turned off and he could do nothing but check the hospitals and prisons.

Emily: “So, she had severe medical issues and a predisposition for mass murderer? How awful.”
Wolf: “I like you Emily. I know I’m taking little steps here, but they will be big strides in the end. I’m not a starter. I’m a closer.”

They kiss, I figuratively throw up a little in my mouth and yearn for something to clean my palette. Oh good! There’s Contestant Chris gearing up for the date card reveal. This is just what I need.

GROUP DATE
Sean
Doug
Chris
“Let’s Find Our Happily Ever After”

Upon hearing his name listed among the group daters, I was convinced Chris was going to hop up on the edge of the window in his Toms and jump. Like Lindsay Lohan in that new Elizabeth Taylor movie, he cracks under the pressure and ends up crying in every on-camera interview. His eyes have taken on a special creepiness reserved for crack heads and his roommates are becoming concerned for his well-being while secretly applauding their own good luck.

Wolf saunters in to the room and amuses his fellow suitors with the delights of his super cool date with Emily, adding that it could not have gone any better than it did.

He was on the date, right?

As Wolf explains each and every detail, One F conjures up visions of Emily carrying a Chloe bag, Doug continues to shake his protein drink, Arie sees if he can make out the word “Cassie” in his Aerosmith wing tat and Sean sneaks out the back to go find our bachelorette.

He rides through the streets of Prague on his white horse (okay, he was running) shouting, “EMILY” at the top of his lungs. He is determined to find her and will stop at nothing for just five minutes of being in her presence. Lo and behold, there she is! Randomly walking, alone, with no cameras or Arie-dating producers surrounding her. How fortunate! He races to her side so she can caress his biceps over and over again. What luck!

Emily: “How did you find me?”
Sean: “I asked Arie. Who told me to ask Cassie.”

Emily: “Are you going to get in trouble?”
Sean: “No one knows. Except this camera guy. And that boom mic guy. And the ABC intern. And the makeup lady.”

Emily: “No ABC Psychotherapist?”
Sean: “She’s on Chris watch.”

They head to a bar to drink beer and make out. She is eating this up. Before sneaking back to the hotel, he pushes her up against a wall and gives her a long lingering kiss. She reminisces of Arie’s up against the wall kiss from last week and mentally evaluates who did it better? We empathize with her for having two up against the wall kisses in two weeks and secretly wonder if her diamond shoes are too tight as well?

The next day, three bachelors and one bachelorette squish into a horse drawn carriage built for two as the rain came tumbling down. Emily peppers the conversations with facts about the castle before Doug calls her a “gracious host…hostess” in the most uncomfortable champagne toast ever.

She somehow manages to get him to follow her up 97 flights of stairs to the tower of the castle so they can sit in front of a window and talk about what little chemistry they have together. Doug sits with crossed arms and then apologizes for accidentally grazing Emily’s knee with his hand. She gives him a HUGE green light by saying that it was okay and then follows that with an encouraging, “I like being affectionate.”

Doug chooses to do nothing with that piece of information which leads Emily to believe that if he isn’t going to kiss the fair maiden in the Rapunzel tower, he probably never will.

The next few moments had to be one of the most awkward exchanges in franchise history. And that’s saying A LOT people. Look, Doug is a nice guy and I genuinely think he liked Emily. But the cards were stacked against him and his non-existent wooing style. Arie is the flirt. Sean is the hunk. One F is the romantic. And even Crazy Chris can’t contain the verbal vomit of verification every time he’s near Emily. Doug just didn’t commit. The “take it slow and easy” mantra does not work on a show with a plot line that encourages finding amazing love on a journey around the world in eight weeks.

Emily becomes discouraged by his crossed arms and uncomfortable dialog. She boldly begins a speech about how she doesn’t feel a connection with him which is cleverly edited into voiceovers from Doug stating he could see himself with this woman. Just as Emily reveals that she no longer wants to keep him away from his son, Doug chooses that exact moment to go in for a kiss … as she’s rejecting him.

I think someone was absent the day Mrs. Skinner taught context clues in English class.

My entire viewing party stood up, screamed colorful interjections at the screen and then settled down so we could rewind to understand what exactly was going on. Upon reviewing the second time around, Emily thanks Doug for his kiss and explains that she’s letting him go. “I feel really stupid for kissing you just now,” he admits.

You and everyone else watching, Doug.

Doug: “I’m a day late and a dollar short.”
Lincee: “Yes.”
Doug: “I think my girl radar is broken.”
Lincee: “I concur.”
Doug: “I want to find the love of my life.”
Lincee: “Don’t cry.”
Doug: “I don’t want to be alone.”
Lincee: “Stop crying.”
Doug: “I want a family one day.”
Lincee: “I’m going to have to ask for your man card now.”

Back in the castle, Emily gives both Sean and Chris ginormous keys that will unlock hidden doors for private one-on-one time. Sean makes a phallic joke about his own manhood. He holds the lucky key that unlocks the special door and uses the time wisely by talking about his family, his rogue behavior the night before and his mad make out skills.

Chris cries because his key does not open the door. From his estrogen-filled reaction, I assumed that because he didn’t have the lucky key, he wouldn’t be extended any alone time with Emily. That was not the case. His panties were in a wad because he didn’t get to go first and life was sooooo uuunnnnnnfffffaaaaaaiiiiiirrrrrrrrr sometimes.

Someone is over tired.

Finally! After an hour and a half of whining, complaining, sweating coupled with numerous sleepless nights, Chris gets exactly what he’s been waiting for. And he starts this precious time with an affectionate:

Chris: “I’m upset with you. I haven’t had a one-on-one since Charlotte. I hate seeing guys come home from dates with you. I’m going crazy.”

Yes. This is exactly what you want to hear before a jittery, sleep-deprived guy leans in for a kiss. Sign me up!

With that one touch of the lips, Chris is back on cloud nine.

Chris: “Love is a many splendor thing! Love will keep us together! I can’t help falling in love. It’s the glory of love, a groovy kind of love, a bleeding love! I will be sowing the seeds of love, the seeds of love until…YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!”

Emily hands the date rose to Sean. Chris chooses to respond in the most mature way possible. He plays freeze out and ignores her for the rest of the night.

FINAL ONE-ON-ONE
One F Jef
“This is Your Chance to Pull At My Heart Strings”

Dear Emily:

You forgot to put on bottoms. A shirt does not a dress make, even if you are wearing tights. Also, did your good buddy Cassie crochet that sweater for you? It doesn’t do you any favors.

Love,
Lincee

PS: Love your boots.

Emily and Jef wander into a clothing store so she can buy some pants. Strike that. They wander into a marionette store so they can play with some puppets. One F masterfully manipulates the strings of a Michael Jackson doll, complete with moon walk. Emily exits the shop carrying a classic princess marionette and Jef chooses one that resembles Larry from the Three Stooges in Shakespearean garb. He suddenly runs back into the shop and purchases a miniature version of the princess.

OFJ: “We couldn’t leave Little Ricki hanging!”

That One F. He’s so punny.

With two people collectively carrying three marionettes with one of them being quite literally pantsless, you can imagine my building excitement wondering where this was going. I never expected in my wildest dreams for there to be an exact replica of the library from Beauty and the Beast. Hoping and praying that a “Be Our Guest” marionette sing-a-long was in my near future, I made myself more comfortable on the couch, making sure a cushion was within immediate reach in case (read: the inevitable) awkwardness ensued.

Emily casually proposes the idea that they should re-enact their dates using the newly purchased marionettes.

A collective murmur issued forth from the mouths of each person gathered in my living room. The anxiety was palpable, bubbling with an electrifying hodgepodge of pending agony, nervous giggles, wide eyes and illusive wagers whispered in confidence that the viewing audience was definitely about to see Emily’s panties if she raised her arms above her shoulders. We waited on bated breath for the unfortunate details to unfold.

And we were immediately sucked in to the BEST PUPPET SHOW EVER! It was like Mystery Science Theater but with marionettes! One F Jef’s puppet shivered with nervousness before Emily’s puppet chased him around the library. The wooden One F slaps himself for not kissing Emily on the beach and then pets the hair made of yarn on Emily’s doll. The dialog was full of charming one liners from One F like “I love your nail polish” and “I think we should get a dog” that had Emily and my watching party laughing in hysterics.

After a brief check on how Contestant Chris is handling the pressure of being in the same room as four other guys who are dating his soul mate (answer: not well), the camera heads back to the library where One F and Emily are laying on their back on the floor talking about life, love and other mysteries. We learn that One F once broke up with a girl because his parents didn’t like her and that sends Emily into the land of insecurity. We can’t tell that she’s worried because her brow ceased from furrowing three Botox sessions ago. Luckily, she tells us that she’s worried. One F eases her spirit, confident that his entire family will love her.

OFJ: “Would you want to live together first if this works out?”
Emily: “No.”
OFJ: “Me neither. I take stuff like that seriously. When do you want to have kids?”
Emily: “Yesterday.”
OFJ: “ME TOO!”

One F goes in for the horizontal kill…

OFJ: “I want to date you so hard and marry the BLEEP out of you.”

That sound you heard was thousands of Facebook statuses updating at once. Well done One F.

There is an unmatched comfort that Emily portrays when she’s with One F Jef. He seems genuine with his feelings and displays a vulnerability that the others don’t. Jef asked questions that made sense for a guy who is truly looking to see if he has a compatible life with the girl he’s randomly laying on the floor next to in a live version of the Beauty and the Beast library. I’m sure they have names picked out for their kids. Although I don’t see him winning, I think he will be top three – possibly top two – for sure.

ROSE CEREMONY
Poor Chris. He acted like a girl this week and he knew it. I truly thought we were going to witness a live version of the term “going postal” when Emily announced that she did not need a rose ceremony to decide who was going to stay. He managed to negotiate some alone time before the final rose was bestowed and convinced her that he was infatuated with her. We all wonder if she recognizes, as we do, that this infatuation is more of the serial killer tendency versus “check yes or no box” passed note in eighth grade geometry class. I’m fairly confident that he will need to be sedated next week when she sends him packing after the home town dates.

Upon declaring that he “had this in the bag,” Wolf Man is sent home completely shocked. His resolve to not cry is rewarded by the ABC Intern slipping him last season’s runner-up Lindzi’s number. She knows what it’s like to have an ex with cell phone issues.

Next week is home town dates. Who do you think will be a stand out? Will Emily get all hot and bothered when Arie takes to the race tracks? Will One F continue to endear himself to her? Will Sean get shirtless again please? Will Chris be able to handle rejection with a little bit of grace and dignity? Was Emily’s rose ceremony dress made from purple tin foil? Sound off in the comments section.

Team One F Jef! (The guy…not the puppet.)

All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee