Bacheorette Hannah Recap: 40 Minutes of Drama

I am a professional Bachelor franchise recapper. Since 2003, I have settled in front of my television to watch someone’s journey to find love. There are definitely highs. There are certainly lows. I scream. I rejoice. I once did a little dance. 

I’ve learned what’s attractive (kiss up against the wall) and what’s not (calling yourself ABC), but never in my sixteen years of doing this have I been somewhat entertained in the first half of an episode and completely disappointed by the second half.

Bachelor Nation is with me. I think we can we all agree that ABC should have served up Hannah’s “STAY IN YOUR LANE” cocktail party for an hour and then announced the Bachelor in Paradise season 6 cast. 

We needed that time to figure out why someone named “Jane” is on the roster. 

Instead, we are treated to a random walk down Memory Lane. There are several conspiracy theories out there as to why Our Host Chris Harrison would garner so much air time in a single two-hour episode, but I have my own idea as to why this happened and it’s in no way dramatic. 

I know this seems like a no-brainer for me. Shouldn’t I rejoice in any and all extra shots of Harrison I can get? Can you imagine him in Scotland? I bet he smelled like the salty North Sea, three fingers of whiskey, and certitude. Oh to see that man in a kilt!

See? My made up recap is already better than what went down last night.

I think the bloated second half was filler. Nothing more, nothing less. If I had to guess, I’d say that ABC thought Hannah’s inaugural lecture and her big finish lecture were TV gold. If you notice, they filmed them both in their entirety. You could tell by the shaky camera work. 

Merging that piece with the Luke P. nonsense at the beginning, and you’re looking at a good 45-minutes of television. The decision had to be made to squish three Latvian dates into one hour or to conjure up some fluff and just take a punch to the gut from the viewers. 

I don’t do spoilers, so I have no idea if I’m right. My friend Jessica over at Star 101 had a theory, too. She thinks we were given a recap of the last five weeks so we could get connected and invested in the lives of the guys whose name is not Luke. Meaning, if Luke leaves, will we even know or care anything about these jokers? Peter is a pilot and Conner is tall. Jed is a musician and Garrett has hero hair. The end.

Interesting angle, isn’t it?

I will say that Hannah continues to bump herself up in my book. The way she handled the bro-bickering situation, the ridiculousness of her rose ceremony pre-game antics, and that huge split in her dress, I found myself cheering her on with hand claps and one unfortunate “you go girl” like it was 1997. 

Before we press into that high-fiving moment, we have to get the remainder of Luke’s date out of the way. When we last left him, he was staring bewildered at Hannah after hearing his fate: “I can’t give you this rose.” 

Luke listens intently as Hannah explains that she had to “raise her voice” and “she can’t get there with him” and “she doesn’t know what happened.” Then Luke takes full ownership of the no good very bad day and smiles. He suggests they “move on.”

Uh, dude, the rose has been picked up AND put back down on the skinny tray. You had your shot, man. Game over. 

He gives her the longest hug in the history of the show. It lasts about as long as the video recap in hour two. This is when I notice that her red dress is, to quote my friend Audrey, a difficult geometry problem. It’s part cold left clavicle paired with cold under boob. A feat of engineering, indeed. And Audrey would know. She’s an engineer.

Next, the producers kick him out of the front door into the dead of night and make him walk down the longest driveway in the history of the show, where the rejection SUV waits to whisk him back to the airport. 

The shot, with the glowing rejection headlights, produces an ominous silhouette of Luke trudging in defeat. Trudge, trudge, trudge.

Suddenly, the jack wagon executes a perfect about face and heads in the opposite direction. This is what it looks like when you proclaim that you will fight for your woman no matter what. 

Or it’s what psychotic behavior looks like. You be the judge. 

Luke comes in hot, taking all the blame of the last 48-hours. He faults his poor behavior on “not understanding the emotions he was having” and feeling like he wanted to cry or scream. Hannah suggests he should have done that, so home boy backs up and screams.

Because he’s a parrot. 

Hannah blurts out that she is going crazy when Luke rambles on about how he wants a rose on his coat (read: blazer), and that he will move mountains for her and that he didn’t know what she really wanted until she told him at dinner and that he refuses to say good-bye. 

Welcome to the rest of your life, Hannah. Read the room. And the red flags.

The next thing we know, Luke is back at the bro house without a rose on his coat (read: lapel.) Even though this was filmed months ago, I can feel the air being sucked out of that room through my screen. The dudes are literally defeated.

Did he come back without Hannah knowing? Is he just crashing, hoping to sneak in during the rose ceremony the next night? Did she tell him he could stay?

I blame that long, long hug. Pesky pheromones. 

Luke launches into the dirty details of how Hannah told him it was the worst date ever and she felt like their relationship wasn’t going anywhere. He didn’t get a rose, but Hannah still wants him there. Or she was tired of arguing with him and just agreed that he could stay. Who cares, right? Producers pick.

Garrett pulls out his soapbox and stands on it. He asks Luke if any names were brought up during the date. Luke promises that he didn’t speak about anyone. Garrett lets him know that he does not believe him. Luke takes this personally and goes to church to pray about it. Then he prays again for the camera man to get a different angle. 

ROSE CEREMONY

The guys are excited to have a night devoted to getting to know Hannah better. When any of them actually say that out loud to the camera, we all know that the cocktail party will inevitably be canceled. In this instance, Footloose Tyler, in his tight pants, jinxed the night. 

I’d also like to point out that the Brotherhood of the Dusty Rose Jacket is nowhere to be seen. I bet the ABC Intern finally took it to be cleaned after that many wears. Surely it will show back up in Latvia, right? I find it more interesting than Kevin. Or Keith.

Hannah shows up in a white, essentially, leotard dress. It’s like what a gymnast would wear to a fancy competition. The item is paired with the mother of all shoulder pads duster coat, trimmed with sparkles. The ensemble is a sight to behold. So is her entire left leg. I guess wardrobe got the memo that she needs the ability to straddle when attending a rose ceremony party.

She begins the night with scripture, encouraging the guys to focus on the unseen. She has a little trouble toasting her champagne flute, thanks to the aforementioned shoulder pad monstrosity that hinders her arms from properly lifting to a norma human position. She settles for T-Rex arms and does a back bend to lift the glass to her lips.

Garrett is the first to whisk her away. Their conversation is awkward. Especially when he brings up Luke. He wants to know if the chach kept his word and didn’t talk about anyone else on their date. That would be a big, fat NOPE. But Hannah does say that she was the one who brought up other people — not Luke. They talked about Mike, Not Mateo, and the artist former known as Devin. 

Naturally Garrett informs the group, and suggests that Luke check his pants, since they must be on fire. Luke suddenly remembers that there were some names brought up, blah, blah, blah. 

Prince Devin wants to know what Luke said about him. So do I, because I’m not sure this guy has even spoken, let alone participated in the show. 

Bicker, bicker, bicker. 

Poor Conner doesn’t even get to sit down with Hannah for any alone time. This tall drink of water can’t catch a break. She gets sick on his one-on-one date, doesn’t speak to him for three more weeks, and now performs her own about face to march right back into the brotherhood to lay down the law. 

It’s best if you watch it yourself. Soak up the tension. Drink in the drama. 

The boys don’t listen and mama has to come in the room AGAIN…

She sort of spiraled there at the end. I wondered why Peter didn’t help her land the plane, but then I realized he and Jed were the two smartest of the bunch.

Sit in silence. Make no eye contact. Sip white wine. Don’t spill on the couch. 

Tyler suggests they all chill and shame them for making Hannah’s last night in Scotland such a bust. Garrett apologizes to the group for being petty. Luke thanks him for his apology (that he extended the group) and berates him for ruining his chances to get to sit down with Hannah and tell her things he needed to say.

Garrett’s ability to restrain from punching Luke in the face is remarkable. 

Meanwhile, Hannah cries into the arms of my beloved Chris Harrison. She’s the luckiest girl in the land. He gives her his pocket square, because he’s a gentleman, and gently tells her to buck up, Buttercup. The boys are bickering because they like her soooooo much. They see Luke getting attention and they don’t like it. 

Hannah calls Hare on his crap and says, “They don’t respect me enough to do this myself.”

Harrison backtracks and reminds Hannah that they are all here for her. Then he begs her not to jump over a wall. 

Hare: We are all here for you. 
Hannah: It doesn’t feel that way.

Hare: Please don’t jump over a wall.
Hannah: Don’t tempt me. I could do it in this leotard. 

Hare: It’s your party. Have fun.
Hannah: The party is over.

Then, in my favorite part of the entire season, Hannah walks into the rose ceremony room and instead of giving a little speech, she stares each one down in at least three seconds of uncomfortable tension. Not…a…word. 

Roses are handed to everyone except Prince Devin, Grant, and Keith/Kevin. No surprises there.

What is surprising is the next scene. With no champagne toast celebrating the subsequent leg of this amazing journey, we depend on the animated map to show us where in the world Latvia is located. We find Our Host Chris Harrison at a cafe with Hannah, who appears to be a full-time rider on an endless struggle bus. 

Guess what? Hannah feels like every week of her journey has been straight up bonkers. This isn’t going to work. Time’s running out and the future is not bright. She needs to talk it out with her mentor. 

Harrison is unsettled. Being forced to leave St. Andrews, where he was playing a few rounds of golf with Dr. Owen Hunt and Robb Stark, to fly to Latvia is unacceptable. Is this cry fest worth the extra paycheck? Time will tell. 

Hannah cries. Harrison blames the heaviness of the circumstances. I blame jet lag, not eating anything to fit into those dresses, lack of sleep, booze, and the fact that she is in love with a bad boy and no one else.

After a commercial break, we find Our Host standing in front of the mansion.

What…is…going…on?

I’m glad you asked. We technically don’t know. But somewhere between Latvia and the final rose ceremony, ABC flew Chris and Hannah back out to the mansion to dissect her time, so far, in this process. If you need to know what was discussed, might I suggest you read my previous recaps. They are way better. 

Other things we learn: 

  • Her favorite date was the drag queen date.
  • She only kissed five guys before coming on the bachelorette.
  • Luke is the best kisser.
  • She named her zit Marcus. 

And there you have it. Such a waste of time. As I mentioned before, we could have used this precious real estate to get to know the cast of Bachelor in Paradise season 6, which was announced later that night. But NO! I had to go figure out who Jane is myself!

Stay tuned for my rundown on that hot mess!

Photo By: abc.com

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Karen in Florida
Karen in Florida

I read that the mansion scene was filmed several weeks after Latvia (per CH). I wonder if she quit the show or needed a break so they needed “filler” for the second hour last night? It was so boring it was painful, and all of my friends (and most of he viewers) can’t believe Hannah hasn’t kicked Luke to the curb. He’s toxic and such a bad actor!!!!

Karen
Karen

This makes sense to me! Why on earth would they fly them all the back to LA for a freakin’ conversation??!

Reba
Reba

Yeah, during hometown week(s) they often have a layover in LA or Dallas. Jojo’s season I think had a similar weird interview taped in Dallas. They added an extra episode in to the schedule, hence the need for filler, but I bet with all the bachettes they do some sort of recap during hometown week that may or may not make it to TV? The bachelors do the bro on bro thing with a former bachelor that sometimes never makes it to the show (Ben H. has shot a few that didn’t get into the show, I think with Colton it did make it partly?) It was very odd to have it stuck into this slot however.

Leah
Leah

“If you need to know what was discussed, might I suggest you read my previous recaps. They are way better.” – Haaaaaa!!! But it’s true.

evangeline
evangeline

True dat!!!

Honey
Honey

Such non-sensical Latvia/LA mansion/Latvia time travel. Does ABC think viewers are that thick? Weirdest episode ever. Thanks for the recap and the struggle bus is real. Stay in your lane!

Lara
Lara

Yes! This whole episode was on its own struggle bus. I think I pretty much got the high lights (if you could call them that) from Lincee’s clips above. The speech to the boys got on most of my nerves since her point was “I can take care of myself and figure this Luke thing out if you just let me” but then that is clearly not the case, action wise. She did make a good point about them trying harder to get to know her rather than playing into the drama…

jjheintz
jjheintz

Why and the heck does she not just get rid of Luke

Ross
Ross

Drama=viewership=lucrative sponsors

Old Christine
Old Christine

Absolutely! If only she would! My forehead hurts from me hitting it with the heel of my hand every episode and my brain is addled from me shaking my head so much. What a season.

Alu Taloa
Alu Taloa

Does Arthur, the Wonder Cat, take advantage of your addled brain?

Libby
Libby

Haven’t you ever been attracted to someone you knew was bad for you but wanted them anyway? I think that’s what’s happening here. Luke would be her perfect man if he weren’t such a douchebag idiot and I think she’s just holding onto hope that with enough coaching he’ll eventually stop being a douchebag idiot. I don’t think it’s contrived drama for viewership purposes anymore. Villains used for that purpose never stay on this long.

Elle
Elle

Team GARRETT! I know hes probably not going to end up with Hannah, but boy actually has a head on his shoulders, and on top of that head is some hero hair! <3

Ashley V
Ashley V

Garrett is HANDS DOWN my favorite. The internet is going wild over Tyler the model/builder, but I think Garrett is the best looking by far! I may have yelled at him for his behavior this time, though. I was so worried he’d shot himself in the foot!

Libby
Libby

He was being sooooo petty and immature this episode. I was so irritated with him for using his precious time with Hannah to talk about Luke. That wasn’t Luke’s doing, that was Garrett’s own self-sabotage.

Debbie A
Debbie A

First of all, great recap……Garrett not punching Luke was my favorite line, of which I totally agree! The only thing that would make last night redeemable for all of us is to have them video Hannah as she watches back all the crap that has gone on with Luke – if that is not immediately eye-opening, then she is as crazy as he is! I really thought one of the other guys who has actually connected with her would step up and say “if Luke stays, I’m outta here.” Her attraction is completely physical for him because he does not have a single intelligent thought in his brain (or one that we have been shown). Her keeping him only shows me her really big insecurity issues. I hope the fun returns next week! (I’m rooting for Jed or Tyler, to be honest!)

Ross
Ross

Garrett would have ended up a pile of pulp on the carpet. Just ask Luke S.

Kelli
Kelli

This recap was better than last night’s episode. Luke is a tool. I hope that if she picks him that they are watching this and she dumps him. Not a spoiler, but in the previews, it looks like she sends him packing, but then do you think it’s him that shows up again with a ring, which sends her further into a spiral?

Kevin (the dog) is looking forward to BIP, but it will never come close to the season with Carly and Evan. Kevin (the dog) hates Luke. He started ‘rumbling’ whenever Luke was talking last night. Hilarious. Even a dog knows Luke is full of crap.

Tammi
Tammi

It has to be Luke. He absolutely refuses to take no for an answer or to listen to what Hannah wants. He is a controlling psychopath, as proven when he sex shames her in the previews. I loved how she flipped him off when the rejection SUV pulled away. I just hope she tells him to pound sand.

Donna
Donna

Remember the cartoon Johnny Bravo? No brain, all braun! That’s Luke… he’s an idiot plus a creep.

Karen
Karen

I feel like I need to thank Hannah for reminding me that I do not want to be 24 again (despite what the pain in my back says.) I hope she makes the right decision in the end. I’m guessing this is even harder for her to watch than it is for us.
I loved the “Please don’t jump over a wall” line. hahaha!

Elizabeth
Elizabeth

Best line!

Yesi
Yesi

Ditto!

Courtney
Courtney

The most exciting part of the second half of the show was the preview of the rest of the season. Holy Schmoley…that’s going to be a ride. I knew Luke was going to be the jerk that sex shames her!!

Stan the Cat
Stan the Cat

What in the name of Hannah’s Holy Hey Y’all was with the Before the Final Rose recap? Good Lord, I got dizzy from fast forwarding. I did like seeing the blurred middle finger intended for who I can only hope is Luke (not at all a Jedi) Pee.

Stan the Cat
Stan the Cat

Oh, good. So glad I posted twice!

ScoobySnaxx
ScoobySnaxx

Am I the only person who felt like the scene with Luke walking down the long driveway and then back into the castle/mansion/whatever was a whole lot of bad acting — by BOTH of them? It really felt like a badly scripted drama to me. When Luke left the table after Hannah refused to give him the rose, there was a quick shot of her smiling. And it looked like awkward, self-conscious, did-I-do-a-good-job-acting-that-scene? smiling, not like Ha-ha-I-win-now-go-to-hell smiling.

Lisa J
Lisa J

It seemed very much scripted to me, especially when he turned around to go back in and showed her how “emotional” he could be by yelling. I think I said, “Oh, puh-leez!” out loud to an empty room. And that rejection limo mysteriously disappeared during that long, long walk!

Elizabeth M
Elizabeth M

I noticed that about the limo, too! Weird!

Chrissy
Chrissy

I kept seeing her do this little smile a few times at the rose ceremony for Luke like she was trying to hide it but couldn’t. What was that?

Libby
Libby

Luke’s voice over monologue as he’s walking down the creepy driveway is so obviously spliced together from other stuff he’s said. Go back and listen to it. Now that it’s been pointed out you can’t not hear it.

Jill
Jill

Luke Seems like a classic narcissist.

Chrissy
Chrissy

It’s so creepy how Luke parrots everything Hannah says and doesn’t have a thought of his own. There’s never any substance in his words. One of my favorite quotes: I guess wardrobe got the memo that she needs the ability to straddle when attending a rose ceremony party.
Too bad that slit was a waste that night. But yes she could have jumped a fence in that fancy leotard dress!

JulieEps
JulieEps

Luke is gross. That’s how she would theoretically want to spend the rest of her life? Married to that jack ass? Shiver. This may have been brought up before, but does anyone notice how Hannah talks so strangely? Like when she hits softs “g”s like they’re hard “g”s? For instance, “That date was amazing.” She would say, “That date was amazinG.” Or, “I heard him snorinG.” She hits those softs “g”s like they’re hard “g”s. It. Drives. Me. CRAZY. Anybody? Anybody?

Ruth

Totally! “I am really strugglink.”

wilhelmina
wilhelmina

HAHAHA! My little sister does the same thing (or as she would say, “thing-uh”) and so I barely noticed it.

Alicia
Alicia

I’m from Alabama…so she sounds perfectly normal to me. 🙂

Ann
Ann

Lord, YES!! Her hard g’s and K’s/hard C’s drive me nuts. And because she, like, says “like” every.other.word, it is so annoying!!

Rachel
Rachel

Like sooooo annoyinK!

Contrarian
Contrarian

Ruth is entirely correct: the sound is k, not a hard g. That may be a Roll Tide thing, but it’s also how those in the East End of London speak. It’s a little annoying, but nothing compared to three “likes” in every sentence.

Megan
Megan

Many Southerners, myself included, tend to drop the “g” when pronouncing words that end in “ing”. As in: Hannah is not livin her best life right now. When we are made aware of this, or ridiculed for it, we often try to make a point of pronouncing the “g”, (to avoid being thought of as ignorant by non-Southerners) and it comes out as “ink” in many cases. As in: For Hannah to start livink her best life, she had better get rid of Luke! I hear it a lot and I know that I do it; I just hope that it sounds more like “ing” rather than “ink”!

Reba
Reba

In my Californian opinion the dropping of the g is one of the best things about a southern accent, so keep on droppin it!! ignorance is as ignorance does, no matter where you are from!

Tara Lawrence-Stuart
Tara Lawrence-Stuart

Thanks, Contrarian and Ruth, and Ann. The “like” syndrome runs through these Bach/Ette shows by both sexes. These people are well-educated. Valley Girls are old hat. One doesn’t “like” fall in love. This is all over the country, not just on TV. I don’t LIKE it, either.

Sarah
Sarah

This seasons group of boys are like a bunch of kindergarten babies! First we have to watch as they go wrestle in kilts so they can get their wiggles out. Now this week, they need to be told to settle down and play nice before we ask their mothers to come in and straighten things out! It’s exhausting. OHCH is like the kindergarten teacher who is threatening to retire because he just can’t take it one more year. Shape up, BOYS!