Bachelorette Hannah Recap: Straddle Time
Y’all, I’ve come up with a theory that I think might shock you. Please don’t tell me if I’m right, because I don’t do spoilers and I’d rather be surprised (read: disappointed) in real time, the way Our Host Chris Harrison intended.
I think Luke might take this all the way. Or at least to the fantasy suites.
I’ve been touting “producer’s pick” here and on the podcast for weeks. After last night’s jaunt in Latvia, I’m considering the possibility that we might have another Ben “The Groban” Flajnik and Courtney Robertson season on our hands.
To quote Dylan, Not Mateo: “The only way Luke is still here is because Hannah’s in love with him.”
The handsome guy in a tight red suit might be onto something. I would say the only thing that can stop Luke now is if something stupid comes out of his mouth. However, Hannah seems to have mastered the art of compartmentalizing whatever he says and insists on seeing the “goodness” in him.
Plus, she misses his tongue down her throat. That deserves another week on the roster. The other boys will be fine as long as they STAY IN THEIR LANE.
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you follow on InstaStory happens to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the Starbucks barista who’s obsessed with the new Aladdin movie and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
Latvia. It’s a great place, we’re told. It’s a place where you can get a fresh start, potentially fall in love, and bungee jump naked. Sounds perfect!
“Can I Trust Our Love?”
Garrett is pumped. Finally he will get some alone time with Hannah. This calls for a royal blue sweater, light-wash denim jeans, and the complimentary sturdy coat with wool interior, courtesy of his Latvian swag bag. His hero hair is as high as his hopes. Let’s do this.
He meets Hannah in the woods, presumably to wander around in the forest, but when they reach a river, Hannah points to a cable car dangling above the body of water. Speaking of bodies and dangling, two naked ones tethered together fall out of the car.
Ah. This is the bungee “take a leap of faith” metaphor that compares marriage to hurtling oneself head-first toward possible death. Such a classic Bachelor trope. Except this time, Mike Fleiss sauces it up with an R-rating:
Fleiss: Okay, which one of these jokers is afraid of heights?
Show Runner #1: Nose Ring, Sir.
Show Runner #1: The one with the nose ring. It says here on his application that he’s deathly afraid of heights.
Fleiss: I don’t know who you’re talking about. Isn’t Luke afraid of heights
Show Runner #2: Sir, Luke isn’t afraid of anything. Just ask him.
Fleiss: What about that kid who sings all the time?
Show Runner #1: Jed won’t go anywhere without his guitar, Sir. Legal has banned him from any and all frivolous activities.
Show Runner #2: Sir, I may have something. It says here that Garrett hates roller coasters.
Fleiss: The guy with the hair? That works. Let’s locate a bungee jumping company. Keep the “finding love is all about building trust” BS in Hannah’s monolog, but this time, I want the bungee jumping to be naked.
Show Runner #1: I’m not sure that exists here in Latvia, Sir.
Fleiss: [Fires Show Runner #1] I want naked bungee jumping. And I want it to be a “tradition” in the Latvian culture. Have legal draw up the paperwork. [Fleiss leaves.]
Show Runner #2: We need two Latvian hippies who will jump naked and then say that it’s a Latvian tradition on camera.
ABC Intern: I’ll check the sex sauna.
Show Runner #2: Great. Then update Wikipedia in case anyone Googles it for accuracy.
ABC Intern: On it.
Hannah and Garrett watch from down below as the couple takes their own leap of faith. The fully-clothed people respond in false enthusiasm, which does a decent job masking the horror of what is unfolding before them.
The horror unfolds before us, too. No amount of black modesty boxes could hide the reality that the bungee harnesses undoubtedly were deeply tucked in and or around certain crevices and pendulous body parts. We are further treated to the naked dismount and post adrenaline rush from Yuris and Ginta who are currently high on life and slightly buzzed.
Ginta stands there and smiles as Yuris nakedly swears in broken English that nude bungee jumping is an old Latvian tradition for lovers. He steals a glance at the ABC Intern who is ever-so-slightly bobbing his head up and down in agreement. They wriggle out of the harnesses and stumble into the woods together without a stitch of clothing. The ABC Intern scrambles after them with a fistful of euros and some cream for the chaffing.
The next thing we know, Hannah and Garrett are sandwiched together, face-to-chest. Garrett’s arms are wrapped around Hannah in a bear hug and she has her cheek pressed against his bare nipple. I salute her for keeping the bra on then sigh as she ditches it before showtime.
She tells Garrett to be strong and courageous. We’re not sure if she’s quoting scripture or the stellar live action remake of Disney’s Cinderella. Whatever the case may be, the pep talk gives the pair enough hutzpah to fall out of the open door upside down, melded together.
They scream bloody murder. I get it. They kiss upside down while dangling. I get that, too. The bungee people toss her bra out into the river. I found that odd.
My favorite part about this entire ordeal, other than Yuris and Ginta not having a care in the world, is that it was lightly snowing the entire time. And instead of letting Hannah and Garrett celebrate surviving certain death in a hot tub or heated shelter, they make them sit out by the river on a couch in bathrobes huddled around a fire. Without question, I believe that Hannah’s discarded brassiere provided the kindling for that blaze.
After defrosting themselves, Hannah and Garrett change clothes and head off to dinner. It makes me sad that the Energizer Bunny had to die in order to make Hannah’s furry pink coat. Garrett gives a CHEERS (insert eye roll here) and commends Hannah for being emotionally and physically confident in his arms earlier that day.
Then he says something about how he hates heights, which seemed weird since he never mentioned it before. He’s proud that he was able to conquer that fear, blah, blah, blah, and wants to know what hurdles Hannah has overcome lately?
Spoiler: Living her life for herself and not letting others control what she does.
Garrett totally gets it. He felt like he was born and bred to play football, but one day he admitted that he hated the sport. (Easy, Garrett. Remember who you’re talking to. Roll tide.) he switched to golf and everything has worked out.
Also, he is “falling in love for Hannah”. (His wording, not mine.)
Hannah thanks him by making out a little and then slow dancing as a man plays depressing music on a cello in an outdoor courtyard. Let the record show that I adore her bedazzled Isotoner gloves.
“Let’s Discover Rita, Latvia!”
Jed, Big Mike, Footloose Tyler, Nose Ring, Luke, Tall Connor, Dylan Not Mateo
Before the group date bus arrives to take the guys to the town market, Garrett regales them in a tale of two naked bungee jumpers. He provides lots of cringe-worthy details and loves making the vein in Luke’s forehead throb.
Unable to scrub that image from their minds, the guys decide to stay in their lanes so Hannah can have a normal day. They drink moonshine, eat pickles, bite the heads of fish for some reason, and bask in the rosey glow of Hannah’s overcoat.
Tyler takes it a step further and buys Hannah a bouquet of flowers she’ll have to lug around for the rest of the day. Jed steals a quick kiss behind a glass case of cheese, promising his woman that he will always be her rock.
It’s clear that Hannah is finally having a fun time on a group date that involves Luke. She feels so good about the moment that she decides to share the specifics of her nudie date with Ginta, Yuris, and Garrett.
Read the trolley car, Hannah. No one wants to hear this. Especially Luke.
In fact, Luke thinks that she crossed a line. The woman he’s going to marry one day would never do that. Her body is a temple and rubbing up against Garrett’s dangling participle is equal to a slap in the face. In true Luke form, he tells the camera that he’s going to have to say something.
Exactly zero people watching were surprised.
Tyler is the first to grab her at the cocktail party. He wants her to know that he didn’t like to see her so upset at the previous rose ceremony, but was completely attracted to her spunky spirit. Then he takes a turn and confesses that seeing her in the white dress reminded him that she is also angelic. She’s the proverbial lover and fighter and…
Tyler can’t finish his sentence because he’s too busy watching Hannah hike up her dress and straddle him. There was lots of hip action and writhing. I stand by my theory that she requested the wardrobe department to give her a slit in all cocktail attire, thanks to the gold lamé mermaid dress debacle during week 4.
Next up is Luke. I know Hannah was expecting a romp on the couch with her young hottie, but this guy has other plans. Leaning on the fact that Hannah wants him to be completely honest with his feelings, he tells her that she’s not going to like what he’s about to say.
Allow me to provide you a few snippets from his rant:
- Hard for me to hear Garrett’s details about your one-on-one.
- Your body is a temple, yet you were holding him bare skinned.
- It really pissed me off and frustrated me.
- I’m looking forward for you to meet my family, but that felt like a slap in the face.
- I will always support you, even if you do something boneheaded out of your character.
- I’m in this until the end.
- This feels good to get off my chest.
Hannah makes sure Luke knows that what she did with Garrett was her choice. It was in no way sexual. It was an experience she wanted to have for herself.
Luke thanks her for understanding (whaaa?) and sulks when she gives Tyler the date rose.
Peter the Pilot
Hannah wafts through a wheat field, contemplating how Peter is the guy you want to see with a stroller in the park. Hopefully there’s a kid in that stroller and he’s not some creeper pushing around an empty carriage, but whatever.
Peter is excited to spend a Latvian spa day with Hannah and grins when Yuris’ parents explain that they are about to experience an intimate space where Hannah can open up. (Heads out of the gutter, people.) Yuris’ mom sings three verses of a Latvian folk song and then they begin mixing dry potions for the sauna room.
Hannah and Peter are instructed to place their fingers in a bowl of water and make a wish. Hannah switches into pageant mode and freestyles for a solid ninety seconds. In short, she wants her experience with Peter to be amazing. And something about world peace.
Peter wants Hannah to embrace their time together and for her to get to a place where she can trust him completely. Ma and Pa Yuris dip birch branches in the dry ingredients and dust Peter and Hannah’s bodies with the mixture. They leave, the cameras do not, and we watch as the perspiration combines with the potion powder to form a paste.
The pilot next door can no longer hold out. He lightly pushes Hannah onto the bench and goes full horizontal, just like he did on the pool table. The next two minutes are filled with literal and physical heat. There was lots of grabbing and straddling and flipping of who’s on top.
I guess the potions worked. TEN POINTS FOR GRYFFINDOR!
In the next scene, we find them in the hot tub that should have been reserved for Garrett’s date. Peter admits that he was hurt when she grouped him with all the other losers who thrive on drama. He is not caught up in all of that nonsense. He’s here for her. He one ups Jed’s promise to be her rock by assuring Hannah he will be both rock AND fire. He’s all in. (Not a euphemism.)
At dinner, Peter asks if she’s always been strong and confident. She claims she’s always been that way, but struggles with insecurity. Peter tells Hannah that he draws his strength from what he does for a living — saving lives.
Calm down, Peter. You’re not a doctor. Additionally, I totally get why you worded it that way. I want my pilots to be confident when carting me around in a big tin can high above the world, so, you do you.
Hannah takes the cue and asks Peter how a relationship works with a pilot. Peter wisely answers that it is lonely when he doesn’t have someone to share his life with. There was that one girl, once upon a time, but it just wasn’t meant to be.
He conjures a lone tear and tells Hannah that this woman is the reason he hasn’t truly taken his guard down. He’s never opened up since that relationship — until Hannah. Guess what? He’s falling for her. Then he quotes his grandmother/mother’s favorite Spanish life lesson. Something about how we should not worry and just let the water flow where it goes.
Question: Do you think Peter knows Spanish? Or is this a saying the family has memorized? Similar to how I know, “Por favor manténgase alejado de las puertas” from the Disney monorail?
Hannah is giddy. Peter totally gets her. She’s been in love twice and she understands what it’s like to think someone is THE one and it not work out. I have a feeling this is going to happen a third time for our bachelorette.
She gives Peter the rose and stands outside the restaurant, making out as Latvian fireworks show splashes color above their heads. Peter pulls away long enough to tell her that he is all in. And Hannah tells the camera that she wants to open her heart to him.
Interesting phrasing, right? She WANTS to do that. Is she willing to, though? She’s definitely not there…
To make matters more confusing, Hannah’s pre-slumber makeup removal ritual is disturbed by a certain country crooner serenading under her balcony. ABC allows Jed to repurpose his “Hannah B” song from the drag queen date and then escorts him up to Hannah’s room.
Then they let him sing another song, presumably one he wrote on Latvian hotel stationery right there on her king-sized bed, which lasted an entire two minutes. For someone who is NOT there to promote his music, ABC certainly has given this guy lots of airtime to strum his guitar.
Once he hits the last note, Hannah takes a page from Peter’s book. She physically removes the guitar from Jed’s grip and forces him to assume the position for optimal straddling. There was absolutely no room left for the Holy Spirit.
Jed whips her around so he can be on top, careful to not accidentally knock his guitar on the floor, and in mid-kiss, he tells Hannah that he’s falling in love with her. The girl is both smitten and horny. Well played, Jed. Pun intended.
Meanwhile, Garrett and Luke verbally duke it out. Surprise, surprise, Garrett is mad that Luke talked about his one-on-one date with Hannah. They argue over who drove out of their lane because they were too busy paying attention to someone else through the side window. Luke makes Garrett promise he won’t bring this up at the rose ceremony. Garrett refuses. Luke kicks him out of “his room,” which is a couch that the guys have probably banned him to since he’s such a chach.
Garrett gives him an evil look and whispers, “Sweet dreams, Luke.”
This is why Garrett is not going to be the last man standing.
The next morning, Hannah shows up at the boys’ hotel room looking disheveled. She couldn’t care less what she looks like. That’s the only reasonable explanation for the French braid and holey sweater. She asks for a private audience with Luke and he jumps up like an eager puppy ready to play.
Here’s the deal, Hannah thinks she and Luke are not on the same page.
LORD GIVE ME STRENGTH.
Lo and behold, the woman is upset that Luke thinks bungee jumping naked with Garrett was not only boneheaded, but so shameful that he is embarrassed to introduce her to his family.
She reminds him that it was not a sexual thing. Again, I do not think this bodes well for Garrett. This should have been a sexual thing, yet it was not. She’s admitted that twice now. Moving on.
She explains in slow, short words that Luke is not her husband and that he does not control her body.
Luke picks up what she’s dropping down and immediately begins apologizing. He blabs about trusting her and that he appreciates that she wanted to talk to him about this matter. FYI: He will never control her. FYI2: He was referring to the future, not naked bungee jumping.
Hannah reminds him that, according to the words that came out of his own mouth, he is not confident that he can let her meet his family. Luke claims MISUNDERSTOOD and apologizes that she didn’t understand what he meant.
Hannah rubs her head, willing the migraine to go away. It shouldn’t be this hard. Why can’t they get on the same page? She doesn’t know how to feel…
So Luke falls on his sword for the hundredth time in a passive aggressive way. He understands why she thinks he questioned her character (which he did) and understands that she can’t totally remember what he said (which she does) and vows to speak more clearly in the future. He will fight harder for her because she is a prize worth fighting for.
He heads back into the bro room and tells the guys that he will not be sharing what he and Hannah discussed. Then he point blank blames Garrett for his heated conversation with Hannah. If Garrett had kept his mouth shut about his naked date, none of this would have happened.
That’s when all the “stay in your lane” talk bombarded the group conversation. Tyler gets involved, claiming Luke is puffing his chest like a “big dog” and shouldn’t worry about anyone else’s date.
Oh, and another thing, if you’re staying in your own lane, and you look out the window at another car, you swerve.
Luke goes ballistic that Tyler knew his super cool analogy that he only mentioned to Garrett during their late night “sweet dreams” chat. He counters with something about “don’t text and drive” (bless it) and Tyler continues to make his point. If Luke wants to parade around in a Speedo, showcasing his big bravado self, then Hannah can bungee jump naked. Case closed.
Luke tries to commandeer the argument by shouting for the guys to “LET ME FINISH” while encouraging them to “feel what you want to feel.” He starts in on Garrett again and it’s Jed who pipes up:
“Let’s keep our voices down here. She could be standing right outside the door and she doesn’t need to hear us shouting again.”
Luke nods his head in Jed’s direction with a curt, “I respect that.”
Then Jed takes a deep breath and says, “If you BLEEP up another cocktail party, I’m going to BLEEP you up.” (Rhymes with truck.)
Suddenly (read: he received a text from the ABC Intern), Our Host Chris Harrison walks through the door and a hush falls over the adolescent crowd. “Gentlemen, I just saw Hannah. She’s a little emotional and has decided to not have a cocktail party tonight. We’re going straight to the rose ceremony.”
Eight angry faces turn to Luke and dare him to speak a word. That’s three cocktail parties in a row that have been cancelled because of this colossal jack wagon. Way to go, Luke.
Hannah floats into the room wearing a gorgeous emerald green ball gown. The minute she announces that she thinks her husband is in the room, Nose Ring and Dylan Not Mateo realize their fate. Along with Garrett, Peter, and Tyler, roses go to Jed, Mike, Connor, and Luke.
Do you agree with her choices? We knew Luke would get another week, right? And what about the scenes from next week? Did you pick up on the fact that someone goes home early? I rewound and did the math. Tall Connor is nowhere to be found. Do you think he goes home on his own accord? Or something happens that calls him away?
Sound off in the comments section!