Bachelorette Hannah Recap: Straddle Time

Y’all, I’ve come up with a theory that I think might shock you. Please don’t tell me if I’m right, because I don’t do spoilers and I’d rather be surprised (read: disappointed) in real time, the way Our Host Chris Harrison intended.

I think Luke might take this all the way. Or at least to the fantasy suites.

I’ve been touting “producer’s pick” here and on the podcast for weeks. After last night’s jaunt in Latvia, I’m considering the possibility that we might have another Ben “The Groban” Flajnik and Courtney Robertson season on our hands. 

To quote Dylan, Not Mateo: “The only way Luke is still here is because Hannah’s in love with him.”

The handsome guy in a tight red suit might be onto something. I would say the only thing that can stop Luke now is if something stupid comes out of his mouth. However, Hannah seems to have mastered the art of compartmentalizing whatever he says and insists on seeing the “goodness” in him. 

Plus, she misses his tongue down her throat. That deserves another week on the roster. The other boys will be fine as long as they STAY IN THEIR LANE.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER

The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you follow on InstaStory happens to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the Starbucks barista who’s obsessed with the new Aladdin movie and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people. 

Latvia. It’s a great place, we’re told. It’s a place where you can get a fresh start, potentially fall in love, and bungee jump naked. Sounds perfect!

FIRST ONE-ON-ONE
Garrett
“Can I Trust Our Love?”

Garrett is pumped. Finally he will get some alone time with Hannah. This calls for a royal blue sweater, light-wash denim jeans, and the complimentary sturdy coat with wool interior, courtesy of his Latvian swag bag. His hero hair is as high as his hopes. Let’s do this.

He meets Hannah in the woods, presumably to wander around in the forest, but when they reach a river, Hannah points to a cable car dangling above the body of water. Speaking of bodies and dangling, two naked ones tethered together fall out of the car. 

Ah. This is the bungee “take a leap of faith” metaphor that compares marriage to hurtling oneself head-first toward possible death. Such a classic Bachelor trope. Except this time, Mike Fleiss sauces it up with an R-rating:

Fleiss: Okay, which one of these jokers is afraid of heights?
Show Runner #1: Nose Ring, Sir.

Fleiss: Who?
Show Runner #1: The one with the nose ring. It says here on his application that he’s deathly afraid of heights.

Fleiss: I don’t know who you’re talking about. Isn’t Luke afraid of heights
Show Runner #2: Sir, Luke isn’t afraid of anything. Just ask him.

Fleiss: What about that kid who sings all the time?
Show Runner #1: Jed won’t go anywhere without his guitar, Sir. Legal has banned him from any and all frivolous activities. 

Show Runner #2: Sir, I may have something. It says here that Garrett hates roller coasters. 
Fleiss: The guy with the hair? That works. Let’s locate a bungee jumping company. Keep the “finding love is all about building trust” BS in Hannah’s monolog, but this time, I want the bungee jumping to be naked. 

Show Runner #1: I’m not sure that exists here in Latvia, Sir.
Fleiss: [Fires Show Runner #1] I want naked bungee jumping. And I want it to be a “tradition” in the Latvian culture. Have legal draw up the paperwork. [Fleiss leaves.]

Show Runner #2: We need two Latvian hippies who will jump naked and then say that it’s a Latvian tradition on camera. 
ABC Intern: I’ll check the sex sauna. 

Show Runner #2: Great. Then update Wikipedia in case anyone Googles it for accuracy.
ABC Intern: On it. 

Hannah and Garrett watch from down below as the couple takes their own leap of faith. The fully-clothed people respond in false enthusiasm, which does a decent job masking the horror of what is unfolding before them. 

The horror unfolds before us, too. No amount of black modesty boxes could hide the reality that the bungee harnesses undoubtedly were deeply tucked in and or around certain crevices and pendulous body parts. We are further treated to the naked dismount and post adrenaline rush from Yuris and Ginta who are currently high on life and slightly buzzed. 

Ginta stands there and smiles as Yuris nakedly swears in broken English that nude bungee jumping is an old Latvian tradition for lovers. He steals a glance at the ABC Intern who is ever-so-slightly bobbing his head up and down in agreement. They wriggle out of the harnesses and stumble into the woods together without a stitch of clothing. The ABC Intern scrambles after them with a fistful of euros and some cream for the chaffing.

The next thing we know, Hannah and Garrett are sandwiched together, face-to-chest. Garrett’s arms are wrapped around Hannah in a bear hug and she has her cheek pressed against his bare nipple. I salute her for keeping the bra on then sigh as she ditches it before showtime. 

She tells Garrett to be strong and courageous. We’re not sure if she’s quoting scripture or the stellar live action remake of Disney’s Cinderella. Whatever the case may be, the pep talk gives the pair enough hutzpah to fall out of the open door upside down, melded together.

They scream bloody murder. I get it. They kiss upside down while dangling. I get that, too. The bungee people toss her bra out into the river. I found that odd. 

My favorite part about this entire ordeal, other than Yuris and Ginta not having a care in the world, is that it was lightly snowing the entire time. And instead of letting Hannah and Garrett celebrate surviving certain death in a hot tub or heated shelter, they make them sit out by the river on a couch in bathrobes huddled around a fire. Without question, I believe that Hannah’s discarded brassiere provided the kindling for that blaze.

After defrosting themselves, Hannah and Garrett change clothes and head off to dinner. It makes me sad that the Energizer Bunny had to die in order to make Hannah’s furry pink coat. Garrett gives a CHEERS (insert eye roll here) and commends Hannah for being emotionally and physically confident in his arms earlier that day.

Then he says something about how he hates heights, which seemed weird since he never mentioned it before. He’s proud that he was able to conquer that fear, blah, blah, blah, and wants to know what hurdles Hannah has overcome lately?

Spoiler: Living her life for herself and not letting others control what she does.

Garrett totally gets it. He felt like he was born and bred to play football, but one day he admitted that he hated the sport. (Easy, Garrett. Remember who you’re talking to. Roll tide.) he switched to golf and everything has worked out. 

Also, he is “falling in love for Hannah”. (His wording, not mine.)

Hannah thanks him by making out a little and then slow dancing as a man plays depressing music on a cello in an outdoor courtyard. Let the record show that I adore her bedazzled Isotoner gloves. 

GROUP DATE
“Let’s Discover Rita, Latvia!”
Jed, Big Mike, Footloose Tyler, Nose Ring, Luke, Tall Connor, Dylan Not Mateo

Before the group date bus arrives to take the guys to the town market, Garrett regales them in a tale of two naked bungee jumpers. He provides lots of cringe-worthy details and loves making the vein in Luke’s forehead throb. 

Unable to scrub that image from their minds, the guys decide to stay in their lanes so Hannah can have a normal day. They drink moonshine, eat pickles, bite the heads of fish for some reason, and bask in the rosey glow of Hannah’s overcoat. 

Tyler takes it a step further and buys Hannah a bouquet of flowers she’ll have to lug around for the rest of the day. Jed steals a quick kiss behind a glass case of cheese, promising his woman that he will always be her rock.

It’s clear that Hannah is finally having a fun time on a group date that involves Luke. She feels so good about the moment that she decides to share the specifics of her nudie date with Ginta, Yuris, and Garrett. 

Read the trolley car, Hannah. No one wants to hear this. Especially Luke. 

In fact, Luke thinks that she crossed a line. The woman he’s going to marry one day would never do that. Her body is a temple and rubbing up against Garrett’s dangling participle is equal to a slap in the face. In true Luke form, he tells the camera that he’s going to have to say something.

Exactly zero people watching were surprised. 

Tyler is the first to grab her at the cocktail party. He wants her to know that he didn’t like to see her so upset at the previous rose ceremony, but was completely attracted to her spunky spirit. Then he takes a turn and confesses that seeing her in the white dress reminded him that she is also angelic. She’s the proverbial lover and fighter and…

Tyler can’t finish his sentence because he’s too busy watching Hannah hike up her dress and straddle him. There was lots of hip action and writhing. I stand by my theory that she requested the wardrobe department to give her a slit in all cocktail attire, thanks to the gold lamé mermaid dress debacle during week 4. 

Next up is Luke. I know Hannah was expecting a romp on the couch with her young hottie, but this guy has other plans. Leaning on the fact that Hannah wants him to be completely honest with his feelings, he tells her that she’s not going to like what he’s about to say. 

Allow me to provide you a few snippets from his rant:

  • Hard for me to hear Garrett’s details about your one-on-one.
  • Your body is a temple, yet you were holding him bare skinned.
  • It really pissed me off and frustrated me.
  • I’m looking forward for you to meet my family, but that felt like a slap in the face.
  • I will always support you, even if you do something boneheaded out of your character.
  • I’m in this until the end.
  • This feels good to get off my chest.

Hannah makes sure Luke knows that what she did with Garrett was her choice. It was in no way sexual. It was an experience she wanted to have for herself. 

Luke thanks her for understanding (whaaa?) and sulks when she gives Tyler the date rose. 

SECOND ONE-ON-ONE
Peter the Pilot

Hannah wafts through a wheat field, contemplating how Peter is the guy you want to see with a stroller in the park. Hopefully there’s a kid in that stroller and he’s not some creeper pushing around an empty carriage, but whatever.

Peter is excited to spend a Latvian spa day with Hannah and grins when Yuris’ parents explain that they are about to experience an intimate space where Hannah can open up. (Heads out of the gutter, people.) Yuris’ mom sings three verses of a Latvian folk song and then they begin mixing dry potions for the sauna room.

Hannah and Peter are instructed to place their fingers in a bowl of water and make a wish. Hannah switches into pageant mode and freestyles for a solid ninety seconds. In short, she wants her experience with Peter to be amazing. And something about world peace. 

Peter wants Hannah to embrace their time together and for her to get to a place where she can trust him completely. Ma and Pa Yuris dip birch branches in the dry ingredients and dust Peter and Hannah’s bodies with the mixture. They leave, the cameras do not, and we watch as the perspiration combines with the potion powder to form a paste

The pilot next door can no longer hold out. He lightly pushes Hannah onto the bench and goes full horizontal, just like he did on the pool table. The next two minutes are filled with literal and physical heat. There was lots of grabbing and straddling and flipping of who’s on top. 

I guess the potions worked. TEN POINTS FOR GRYFFINDOR! 

In the next scene, we find them in the hot tub that should have been reserved for Garrett’s date. Peter admits that he was hurt when she grouped him with all the other losers who thrive on drama. He is not caught up in all of that nonsense. He’s here for her. He one ups Jed’s promise to be her rock by assuring Hannah he will be both rock AND fire. He’s all in. (Not a euphemism.) 

At dinner, Peter asks if she’s always been strong and confident. She claims she’s always been that way, but struggles with insecurity. Peter tells Hannah that he draws his strength from what he does for a living — saving lives. 

Calm down, Peter. You’re not a doctor. Additionally, I totally get why you worded it that way. I want my pilots to be confident when carting me around in a big tin can high above the world, so, you do you. 

Hannah takes the cue and asks Peter how a relationship works with a pilot. Peter wisely answers that it is lonely when he doesn’t have someone to share his life with. There was that one girl, once upon a time, but it just wasn’t meant to be. 

He conjures a lone tear and tells Hannah that this woman is the reason he hasn’t truly taken his guard down. He’s never opened up since that relationship — until Hannah. Guess what? He’s falling for her. Then he quotes his grandmother/mother’s favorite Spanish life lesson. Something about how we should not worry and just let the water flow where it goes. 

Question: Do you think Peter knows Spanish? Or is this a saying the family has memorized? Similar to how I know, “Por favor manténgase alejado de las puertas” from the Disney monorail? 

Hannah is giddy. Peter totally gets her. She’s been in love twice and she understands what it’s like to think someone is THE one and it not work out. I have a feeling this is going to happen a third time for our bachelorette. 

She gives Peter the rose and stands outside the restaurant, making out as Latvian fireworks show splashes color above their heads. Peter pulls away long enough to tell her that he is all in. And Hannah tells the camera that she wants to open her heart to him.

Interesting phrasing, right? She WANTS to do that. Is she willing to, though? She’s definitely not there…

To make matters more confusing, Hannah’s pre-slumber makeup removal ritual is disturbed by a certain country crooner serenading under her balcony. ABC allows Jed to repurpose his “Hannah B” song from the drag queen date and then escorts him up to Hannah’s room.

Then they let him sing another song, presumably one he wrote on Latvian hotel stationery right there on her king-sized bed, which lasted an entire two minutes. For someone who is NOT there to promote his music, ABC certainly has given this guy lots of airtime to strum his guitar. 

Once he hits the last note, Hannah takes a page from Peter’s book. She physically removes the guitar from Jed’s grip and forces him to assume the position for optimal straddling. There was absolutely no room left for the Holy Spirit. 

Jed whips her around so he can be on top, careful to not accidentally knock his guitar on the floor, and in mid-kiss, he tells Hannah that he’s falling in love with her. The girl is both smitten and horny. Well played, Jed. Pun intended. 

Meanwhile, Garrett and Luke verbally duke it out. Surprise, surprise, Garrett is mad that Luke talked about his one-on-one date with Hannah. They argue over who drove out of their lane because they were too busy paying attention to someone else through the side window. Luke makes Garrett promise he won’t bring this up at the rose ceremony. Garrett refuses. Luke kicks him out of “his room,” which is a couch that the guys have probably banned him to since he’s such a chach. 

Garrett gives him an evil look and whispers, “Sweet dreams, Luke.”

This is why Garrett is not going to be the last man standing. 

ROSE CEREMONY

The next morning, Hannah shows up at the boys’ hotel room looking disheveled. She couldn’t care less what she looks like. That’s the only reasonable explanation for the French braid and holey sweater. She asks for a private audience with Luke and he jumps up like an eager puppy ready to play.

Here’s the deal, Hannah thinks she and Luke are not on the same page. 

LORD GIVE ME STRENGTH.

Lo and behold, the woman is upset that Luke thinks bungee jumping naked with Garrett was not only boneheaded, but so shameful that he is embarrassed to introduce her to his family. 

She reminds him that it was not a sexual thing. Again, I do not think this bodes well for Garrett. This should have been a sexual thing, yet it was not. She’s admitted that twice now. Moving on.

She explains in slow, short words that Luke is not her husband and that he does not control her body. 

Luke picks up what she’s dropping down and immediately begins apologizing. He blabs about trusting her and that he appreciates that she wanted to talk to him about this matter. FYI: He will never control her. FYI2: He was referring to the future, not naked bungee jumping. 

Hannah reminds him that, according to the words that came out of his own mouth, he is not confident that he can let her meet his family. Luke claims MISUNDERSTOOD and apologizes that she didn’t understand what he meant. 

Hannah rubs her head, willing the migraine to go away. It shouldn’t be this hard. Why can’t they get on the same page? She doesn’t know how to feel…

So Luke falls on his sword for the hundredth time in a passive aggressive way. He understands why she thinks he questioned her character (which he did) and understands that she can’t totally remember what he said (which she does) and vows to speak more clearly in the future. He will fight harder for her because she is a prize worth fighting for. 

He heads back into the bro room and tells the guys that he will not be sharing what he and Hannah discussed. Then he point blank blames Garrett for his heated conversation with Hannah. If Garrett had kept his mouth shut about his naked date, none of this would have happened. 

That’s when all the “stay in your lane” talk bombarded the group conversation. Tyler gets involved, claiming Luke is puffing his chest like a “big dog” and shouldn’t worry about anyone else’s date. 

Oh, and another thing, if you’re staying in your own lane, and you look out the window at another car, you swerve. 

Luke goes ballistic that Tyler knew his super cool analogy that he only mentioned to Garrett during their late night “sweet dreams” chat. He counters with something about “don’t text and drive” (bless it) and Tyler continues to make his point. If Luke wants to parade around in a Speedo, showcasing his big bravado self, then Hannah can bungee jump naked. Case closed. 

Luke tries to commandeer the argument by shouting for the guys to “LET ME FINISH” while encouraging them to “feel what you want to feel.” He starts in on Garrett again and it’s Jed who pipes up:

“Let’s keep our voices down here. She could be standing right outside the door and she doesn’t need to hear us shouting again.”

Luke nods his head in Jed’s direction with a curt, “I respect that.”

Then Jed takes a deep breath and says, “If you BLEEP up another cocktail party, I’m going to BLEEP you up.” (Rhymes with truck.)

Suddenly (read: he received a text from the ABC Intern), Our Host Chris Harrison walks through the door and a hush falls over the adolescent crowd. “Gentlemen, I just saw Hannah. She’s a little emotional and has decided to not have a cocktail party tonight. We’re going straight to the rose ceremony.”

Eight angry faces turn to Luke and dare him to speak a word. That’s three cocktail parties in a row that have been cancelled because of this colossal jack wagon. Way to go, Luke. 

Hannah floats into the room wearing a gorgeous emerald green ball gown. The minute she announces that she thinks her husband is in the room, Nose Ring and Dylan Not Mateo realize their fate. Along with Garrett, Peter, and Tyler, roses go to Jed, Mike, Connor, and Luke. 

Do you agree with her choices? We knew Luke would get another week, right? And what about the scenes from next week? Did you pick up on the fact that someone goes home early? I rewound and did the math. Tall Connor is nowhere to be found. Do you think he goes home on his own accord? Or something happens that calls him away? 

Sound off in the comments section!

Photo By: abc.com

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ScoobySnaxx
ScoobySnaxx

Oh, gosh, I’m starting to get concerned that Hannah’s the kind of woman who SAYS she won’t let any man control her or her body but secretly wants to be someone’s possession.

Also, Jed can’t sing on pitch.

white
white

jed sounded horrible!

Laurie

I agree…..he cannot sing.

LORRAINE
LORRAINE

Jed is beyond BAD!

votemom
votemom

i hope jed has a back up career plan

Ann
Ann

Yes, if Jed came on the show to promote his music career, he made a grave miscalculation. Wow. Not good.

scraptordelight

Wes sounds like Roy Orbison in comparison.
***sorry to name he who shall not be named.

tsinivari
tsinivari

You know, there have been men (and women) I’ve thought the lead should have sent home long before they do, and I’ve disliked folks but wanted them around a bit longer because their drama makes our viewing experience better, but with Luke I just…can’t. Watching him try to gaslight and manipulate her, and then at first she stood up to him, and then he just wears her down talking in circles and she ends that convo because she realizes it’s going nowhere, but then she keeps him because in some ways his gaslighting and manipulating has worked. She straight up said “I know you’re a good person” and even the beautiful Chris Harrison is all “What do you LIKE about him?”

When even Chris is like…seriously? It’s time to rethink your life choices.

More than that though, and it’s not a word I trot out about myself in a non-ironic way, is that watching last night I actually felt triggered watching that whole conversation when she pulled him aside. He needs to go because it’s not cute, it’s not funny and it’s not entertaining. What we’re witnessing is Hannah trying to find a way to stay in a relationship with a man that has so many red flags I lost count, who obviously has abusive, controlling tendencies.

Having said that, a little part of me that delights in the disaster of this show wants to see how bad he flips out about overnights, and another little part legit needs to see what kind of family produced this guy.

Rosa
Rosa

Excellent points tsinivari!!! Luke is EXHAUSTING and I (for the life of me) do not see why she keeps him around. Why would anyone want to date someone as difficult as he is!? He is not attractive to me in the least. I do want Tyler as the next Bachelor (so I can see more of his rock hard abs!!!) so she can pick Peter if she wants. Not sure I like Garrett – he has been grating on my nerves w/ the Luke feud. Not so sure about Jed either. I do think she gets rid of Luke, and then he’s the one who comes back with a ring based on previews! I wouldn’t mind Mike as the next Bachelor either, but would love to see more of Tyler.

tracee
tracee

Go Tyler! I agree ….Mike would make a great choice too.

LORRAINE
LORRAINE

YEAH IN REAL LIFE LUKE WOULD HAVE BEEN BLOCKED AND DELETED!!!

JulieEps
JulieEps

Wait. Did I write this???

Nikki
Nikki

Exactly. I was physically upset last night. Luke is my ex-husband in a prettier package. He is a manipulative hot-tempered ass-hat. Seriously. Brought up anger for a person I haven’t thought of in 10+ years. It was like watching my 16 year old self try and get the jerk that just treated me like crap to not be mad at me for “misunderstanding” him yelling at me. She is older and has dating experience…. I just don’t get it.

Heather
Heather

Nikki and Rosea I am right there with you. Triggered and reminded of my ex-husband and all of the sick abuse that I endured. Unfortunately sometimes we can’t learn it until we walk THROUGH it and see what results from ignoring red flags. Denial is a POWERFUL thing. I learned the hard way. I just hope Hannah doesn’t have to.

scraptordelight

Exactly. The thing is she DOES put him in his place, yet still keeps him. She asks the guys to trust her judgment and is annoyed that they question her keeping him. But I would have serious concerns about her if I was one of the other good guys based on her mouth saying she hates drama and her actions saying, “bring it!”.

Cherryl
Cherryl

I couldn’t agree more!

Libby
Libby

The man needs to get off this show and get a therapist. He’s got some issues he needs to work out before he can have a healthy relationship with any woman, no matter how pure and chaste she might be. I would like to ask that people back off blaming Hannah for not getting rid of him though. She has had very little life experience and the tactics that Luke uses to manipulate and gaslight are ones that have worked to control many women in many abusive relationships. Never blame a woman for not leaving a toxic situation sooner, it’s harder than it seems.

NewMama
NewMama

Could not agree more, Libby! Hannah is being masterfully manipulated, and at 24, she is still extremely young. She’s trying so hard, but in the words of Luke to Garrett, “This is ALL [Luke’s] fault!”

Reba
Reba

100% agree about Luke! I also am sort of glad the world gets to watch how gaslighting is done so that young (and old) women can recognize it and see it for what it is: controlling and abusive. His family could be lovely, I suspect he has some sort of personality/brain disorder and just is so out of touch with himself. He’s editing reality as it is happening instead of really living/feeling.

alyce
alyce

On last week’s lame-o recap, Hannah did finally say that Luke is the best kisser. Maybe her hormones are overpowering her sense of reason.

Kelli
Kelli

Uh uh. Luke is a sociopath who kept trying to turn his nonsense back onto Hannah and blame her. He kept saying I’m sorry I’m misunderstood. Like it was her fault! And then when he started talking about loving her even when she did bone headed things (ie–naked bungee jumping)? He is so awful. And if she ends up with him, she will be getting exactly what he has shown her–a jealous, possessive petty little man. I uttered the Ben and Courtney comparison myself to Kevin (the dog) this morning. He is in complete agreement.

I think he at least makes it to the Fantasy Suite week, but then he starts his nonsense again and hopefully he is the one in the rejection limo that Hannahbama flips off.

tsinivari
tsinivari

How she didn’t rip his throat out during the original conversation is beyond me, honestly – he came out of it shocked he didn’t get the group date rose! I get having to process, but with how she’s been so assertive through the show so far, I can’t believe she didn’t shut that crap down right that second.

h28koala
h28koala

HAHAHHA Kevin the dog! I agree with Kevin. I actually can’t tolerate this any longer and I may not watch again until Luke is gone. Hannah has also lost me – I don’t care about her or her happiness any longer. I can’t be invested in someone that is allowing Luke’s behavior. I may just skip straight to BIP. I started believing after this episode that Luke will return after she kicks him off and that she is currently with him. Before I thought he was around because of production but she said she may LOVE HIM? WTH Hannah? What is WRONG WITH YOU? Oh wait, you are 24 and have no life experience or dating experience and have been very sheltered. Yeah… great choice for Bachelorette.

But I do wonder if the show would have TRIED to give him a kinder edit if he is the chosen one. First time EVER I have wanted to go check out Reality Steve to get the spoilers. Still holding out though.

L Baker
L Baker

Also, why does she have strict requirements that the other guys ask about her to get to know her and share vulnerabilities from their lives, but Luke is just Luke. No intellectual exploration necessary. He’s such bad news. I saw a flash of anger in him when he had the first sit down with Hannah about her one on one and it scared me. His eyes got dark and his jaw clenched – that’s a sign you’re about to get walloped. She’s utterly blind to any of it after the dumb speedo competition.

Kelli
Kelli

My friend pointed out to me today that Luke does that with everyone! Turns it around on them to make whatever THEIR fault, or THEY didn’t remember the conversation correctly. Luke has rubbed me absolutely the wrong way because my ex-husband did the exact same thing. Nothing was ever HIS fault, it was always something someone ELSE had done.

Liana
Liana

Red flags the size of bed sheets keep being waved in front of our dear Hannah and she continuously ignores them. What is it about this jack ass she finds attractive? He has abusive and stalker written all over him. I can’t stand his passive aggressive behavior. I secretly want him to stay until hometown dates to see what his family is like. And can’t wait to see his meltdown when he is sent home. Keeping fingers crossed he is NOT the final one

Norma
Norma

Red flags the size of bed sheets!!!!! I LOL!!!!!!! So true!!! And I am so tied of her crying about how confused she is! Get. Rid. Of. Him!!!!

Kelli
Kelli

There are so many red flags, it looks like a Chinese military parade

Kristi
Kristi

That is the best comment I’ve ever read.

Megan
Megan

Same!!! I wish that I had thought of it!

Diane G
Diane G

Luke P is yet another reality show contestant making Christ followers look bad!!!! And I do think he goes all the way because when Chris asked her who was the best kisser in the house, she took a long pause and then said Luke – which I assume is because she knows he would be mad if she gave a different answer. I have to fast forward through any scene involving Jed and a musical instrument. He makes me soooo angry!!!! I would cut all musicians, newspeople, and actors the first night if I was on the show. Peter for the next Bachelor!

Lara
Lara

Yes! PETER would be a great Bachelor. And since I think he should win Hannah’s heart he won’t make it to the finale. We just need him to get to Fantasy Suites.

NewMama
NewMama

Agreed. He makes Christianity look judgmental and condemnatory. I hate that! Hannah is a much truer, more grace-filled example. Ugh, Luke. Leave her alone!!

AnnyFanny
AnnyFanny

Yeah, judgemental and condemnatory, just like my ex. (“Your opinions weren’t worth of my respect”; the line that broke this camels back). They don’t call them bible thumpers for nothing.

Alicia
Alicia
LORRAINE
LORRAINE

FUNNY RECAP! Loved the Line- His Hero Hair Is As High As His Hopes!
I don’t care for Jed, and he has no talent, so ABC should hide his guitar and he needs to sit down somewhere.
Naked Bungee Jumping was too much for TV.. Kids watch this show! and there was SNOW… BOO ABC

lindsey
lindsey

Gosh, Hannah is VERY 24 and relationally immature. She’s mistaking physical attraction and drama for passion and love. This is not a girl who should be dating in a vacuum- she needs the input and guidance of family and friends. She’s so easily manipulated…which isn’t uncommon in one’s early 20s and if you’re used to a certain kind of uber alpha male. I would love to say I made all the best decisions at 24- but I didn’t so I get it. I just think she decided Luke P. was the one early on and she’s hellbent on making it work. It’s hard to watch but many of us have experienced it ourselves or watching our friends do it. If she was older/more mature, she’d pick Tyler C…but she’s not ready to have a man who treats her like she deserves to be treated. Bless her whole heart.

Karen
Karen

You nailed it. She needs her friends and family to work through this. Watching this has to be even more painful for them than it is for us. I wonder if that’s why CH has had so much air time this season? I wish he’d be a real friend and tell her that Luke is the poison that he is.

Old Christine
Old Christine

ABC should bring in Hannah’s sister to talk to her, like they did for Sean Lowe when he was struggling to believe things said about Tierra.
Or they could just bring in Sean Lowe to talk to Hannah. He is the Bachelor gold standard.
You are right Lindsey, she does need guidance.

Sara P
Sara P

I actually said after last week’s episode and her convo with OHCH – “where are her PARENTS???” She needs some grounding influence who is not part of this debacle to talk to.

Yesi
Yesi

Someone to keep it real with her and call out the BS!

Yesi
Yesi

So well worded! It’s too true, in my 20s I did miss the red flags like Luke’s as well and try to hard to make a connections I felt were powerful fit. So blessed he’s an EX.

Ebro
Ebro

I laughed so many times during this recap. Well done!

Sara
Sara

Hilarious recap as always.

Does the “dangling participle” reference mean you’ve seen the movie Oscar? Because I thought just me and exactly one of my friends were the only people who know and love that movie.

Diana
Diana

Oh, Lincee, you are genius! Your recaps are the only reason I watch this trainwreck of a show. I laughed so many times reading this! I loved the conversation between Fleiss and the Show Runners. Also, “dangling participle”…so funny.

Mollie A
Mollie A

Can we talk about what Peter said in his interview post-sauna? “If this works out, we’re DEFINITELY getting a sauna.” LOL. I agree on all points made about Luke. And, I’m so disgusted by Jed at this point. Blech.

Erinn
Erinn

I know, I literally LOLed at that, too!

Aimee
Aimee

I thought this episode was a train wreck! Holy smokes she is ready to get after it!

The naked bungee jumping was quite interesting. I don’t know how I would feel if I were a contestant and the lead did that with other person. My feelings may have been hurt, so I get where Luke was coming from, but he has no self awareness on how to bring that up. Also you do sign up for the show and know that something could happen in the fantasy suites.

Peter’s date was HOT! That is all I have to say about that. I think he is my favorite right now!
Jed, my heart is torn if I still like him!

Right now I think her top 4 are Peter, Jed, Tyler and Garrett with Luke thrown in there some where. Also for the 2 on 1 date has to getting close if that is this season and right now I think Luke and Garrett? I don’t know who else it would be? I like Mike and Connor too, but we haven’t seen much of them. Mike has really cooled off these past episodes.

PS love the title of this recap. The first them my mom said me this morning after watching last night is Hannah is really wanting to get laid, do you think Peter and her went all the way in there? Que me covering my head!

Norma
Norma

Aimee, completely agree. The constant straddling of the guys…I was embarrassed for her! I seriously don’t think any other bachelorette has been that “ready”…not even Kaitlyn!!! I’m really put off by her and her behaviour. I am no prude, but dang girl, have some class!!!!!

Ross
Ross

Agree with the top 4. I’m narrowing it to 2, Peter and Tyler. Connor and Mike are both cool guys, but just don’t seem to be her type. Jed is high on the scoreboard, but in the end do you see her with a singer/songwriter? Typically, contestants that have made it about one of the other contestants have not done well, and I fear that’s Garrett’s fate. I promise I have not seen a single spoiler, and it’s just IMHO! If it’s not Peter, I vote for him for batchelor!

Erinn
Erinn

Yes! I think Hannah wins the title of Horniest Bachelorette in Bachelorette History.

Ross
Ross

I doubt Garrett’s participle was dangling for long after they were strapped in!

Laurie

Omg…..I’m dying!!!!

Jennifer
Jennifer

I don’t know about that…fear, cold….

Ross
Ross

Wasn’t it Kunz and Christiana? Is is just me, or was the cello player a little off key? Jed? Buehler? Anyone?