Bachelorette Hannah Recap: Hometown Dates
Much like that creepy gang member guy who challenges Danny Zuko to a race at Thunder Road, Hannah Brown lives by the same credo: “The rules are…there ain’t no rules.” She’s a woman who needs clarity and if that means she has to shake things up the way they are traditionally done in the Bachelor franchise, so be it.
This is her life at stake, people. And she’s not going to mess it up just because she can’t make up her mind in the allotted timeframe as designated by a major national network. If she needs to skip a date due to exhaustion, she will. If she needs to take a day in Latvia to work out her feelings, causing the filming schedule to get all messed up, who cares.
And if the woman wants an extra boutonnière after hometown dates so she can hold apples to oranges sex auditions in the fantasy suites next week, someone find the girl a rose bush. Roll tide.
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you follow on InstaStory happens to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the Starbucks barista who’s obsessed with the new Aladdin movie and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
Westlake Village, California
Hannah is ready to figure out which hometown would be the destination of future Christmases when she and her significant other fly in from Los Angeles where they both serve as social media influencers. If she picks Peter, she doesn’t have to go very far.
After her first Jump & Straddle® into Peter’s arms, Hannah is excited to learn more about this adorable guy who just so happens to be the man she imagined in her head when she played Barbies as a little girl.
Interesting. My Barbie dated Cowboy Ken and he drove a Jeep. That was thirty-five-years ago. I guess her tastes have changed with the times. It seems Barbie is way more interested in the pilot who drives a dope Mercedes.
Hannah is happy to “learn more insight into Peter’s life.” The best way to do that in a Mercedes is to check out what’s in his console. The act alone of Hannah digging around in there gave me the hives.
She finds an empty can of Altoids, picture of Jesus, and a condom. Although Peter was super embarrassed by the condom, he did take the time to make it a “more you know” moment by reminding viewers that it’s very important to be safe. In all you do. That’s the pilot’s way.
What would you find in my console? I’m glad you asked. Undoubtedly there is a healthy stash of paper napkins collected from Chick-Fil-A from over the years. I’m certain there are no less that three Whataburger ketchup packets. There’s definitely a pair of small scissors and some Scotch tape. Let’s not forget the selection of mix tape CDs and my apple green iPod shuffle from 2005.
Public Service Announcement: The molecular integrity of the Whataburger ketchup packet can and will be compromised by the impertinent Texas heat. Trust me. You don’t know complete and utter sadness until you’ve squirted watered down brown what-you-assumed-would-be-ketchup all over your hamburger.
Peter tosses out seventeen different aerial puns about love. Then he takes her up into his Mercedes version of a two-seater plane and watches as she gushes over the fact that her super rad boyfriend is a pilot. Peter is stoked that he gets to share his passion with his super hot girlfriend. He goes in for a kiss, and puts his arms around Hannah in a way that made me very uncomfortable.
Eyes on the road, fly boy.
They buzz over the Bachelor mansion and Peter’s house. We watch as his parents wave from their driveway. Then he lands the Mercedes plane and they sit on the bench the ABC Intern drug out onto the tarmac. It was a picturesque scene with both the plane and the dope car in the background.
Peter is excited to introduce Hannah to his family. The next thing we know, she’s meeting his dad, Peter, mother Barbara, and darling brother Jack. Hannah wastes no time telling the family that she and Peter had a connection, but it took him a while to open up. She challenged him, he accepted, and as a result, he changed. And look where we are now!
Peter calls their relationship “magic.” Hannah calls it “great.” I think that is a noteworthy statement.
There was a moment when Bab’s eyes darkened a bit. I’m not sure she likes the fact that her baby pilot is bending to the will of this Alabama girl with the weird accent, but she lets it slide. She also takes control of the moment by asking her family to join hands for the good old fashion prayer they all shout in German. Let the record show that she is from Cuba, which is why they all speak Spanish as a second (or is it third?) language.
Peter gives a toast. It’s about how his grandparents would have loved Hannah. The entire family starts crying and young Jack swoops in to visit with Hannah. Guess what? Peter is a hopeless romantic. When he’s all in, he’s all in.
Meanwhile, Barb and Peter have the exact same conversation. He tells his mother that their connection has been on fire. Very passionate. Very horizontal. He’s falling hard and although there hasn’t been an exchange of “I love you,” he definitely feels it.
He’s just scared to say it. Because of the horrible woman who once broke his heart. We hate her, whoever and wherever she is right now. And Babs wants to make sure Peter knows how to keep his heart safe from a heartbreak.
Do they make condoms for hearts?
When Peter talks to his dad, he lays it on thick. He uses more aerial terms so his pilot father will really understand where he’s coming from. Additionally, he lets it slide that he knew Hannah was his person when he took her flying. Their love was solidified in the air. Just like Peter Senior and Barbara.
This is the moment Dad breaks down. He’s concerned for Peter’s heart, too. But he is hopeful. And even though he cries like his son is about to go to war, I thought the moment was heartfelt and sweet.
Hannah says her good-byes and she and Peter sit back down on the bench the ABC Intern drug from the tarmac, into the black SUV, into the pilot’s parents’ front yard. He gets THIS CLOSE to dropping an L-Bomb, but he chickens out last minute.
Survey Says: The date was extremely normal and cute. Of course, we expect date number one to be the most uneventful. Especially when some of us (cough*me*cough) think Peter is going home.
After her second Jump & Straddle® into Tyler’s arms, Hannah is escorted to Tyler’s boat “Reel Clean.”
Truth talk: That doesn’t seem on brand for Tyler’s personality, which makes me think this isn’t really his boat. When I think of Tyler, I think of the following boat name options:
- Sotally Tober
- Yeah Bouy
- 50 Shades of Tyler
- Bikini Inspector
- Nautica By Nature
Tyler offers to slather sunscreen all over his boo and things get pretty heated even before they get out onto the water. He shows her around Jupiter, while his hand is on her thigh, and she pretends to listen while she leans up against his well-toned body. While in the ocean, they perform our first ever “aqua straddle” and things heat up again.
Then they drink margaritas in their bathing suits as he reminds her that his dad was sick and he has a paralyzed vocal cord. He’s looking forward to seeing him again, but that thought dissolves into nothingness when he hears the familiar beat of a reggae band. Remember, T-Bone is a dancer and the rhythm will eventually get him.
His dancing wasn’t that bad. Hannah’s air guitar was unfortunate. And her decision to crowd surf off the stage without a crowd was bold. It’s a good thing Tyler is so strong and just lifted her above his head Dirty Dancing style.
That night, both Tyler and Hannah arrive at Tyler house wearing the tightest pants I’ve ever seen. Tyler bypasses everyone inside and heads straight for his father. They hug. No one cries, but they all wanted to.
Tyler’s dad Jeff admits to his son that he’s worried. But not like you think. He’s worried in a jokey way. He’s worried that Tyler might be in love. Ba-dum-dum. Tyler couldn’t care less about his relationship right now. He wants to know how his Pops is doing. PS: He wants Pops to one day see his wife and kids.
Will that wife be Miss Hannah B? Pops certainly thinks so. So do Tyler’s brothers. They give him big props for stepping in after their dad got sick. He’s super mature now and ready to be engaged.
When it’s time for Hannah to leave, she and Tyler sit on the bench that the ABC Intern lugged over from Peter’s parents’ house to Tyler’s parents’ house so they can talk about their time together for three minutes before making out on said bench for thirty.
Then he follows Hannah to the good-bye limo. He opens her door, places his lady inside, and then crawls on top of her. In true Hannah fashion, she ends up straddling Tyler right there with the door open for all to witness. She eventually dismounts and Tyler exits the vehicle.
As she drives away, Tyler says that one day, he’ll be able to say he loves her.
- I think that is a noteworthy statement.
- I thank ABC for shooting that scene from the waist up.
Survey Says: The date was all about Tyler’s father’s health and if Tyler is ready for marriage. He may like her, but I don’t think it’s as heavy as Peter. It was, by far, the most sexual of all the dates.
After her third Jump & Straddle® into Luke’s arms, Hannah is completely willing to join Luke for a quick pseudo Sunday School meeting at the local country diner. Luke shares his testimony (the divine shower) and calls Hannah up to stand by him. He thanks God for her and how she opened his eyes to what it looks like to be real.
Hannah then wanders from table to table, polling the audience on Luke’s character traits. Here’s what we learn:
“He’s the nicest guy.”
“Luke can make friends with anyone.”
“Luke loves an underdog.”
The group prays for Luke and Hannah and their futures and send them on their way to meet Luke’s extended family, including parents, grandparents, and one great-grandmother.
Luke shares with everyone that he dropped the “I’m falling for you” in week one and then “everything went downhill from there.” Hannah pipes in that Luke had it out with another guy (we’re not sure if that singular guy is Other Luke, Garrett, Jed, Tyler…) and that they didn’t have a real conversation for three weeks because she was trying to break him down to get to know the REAL Luke.
Father jumps in at this point, chastising his son for not being real. It was the one rule they gave him before he left. He looks to Hannah and asks a legitimate question we’ve all been wondering, “Then why is he here?”
NO ONE KNOWS, LUKE’S DAD.
The sister-in-law immediately jumps in and personally thanks Hannah, on behalf of the entire family, for putting up with him. Then they all ponder as to why no one in the house liked Luke. Newsflash: EVERYONE LIKES LUKE! Didn’t he tell her that?
Yes. Yes, he did.
Dad takes Luke aside to puzzle through this mess. He hates to think that people are critical of his son. And by “people” he has no clue he is talking about millions of fans who make up the collective viewing audience.
Luke admits he was trying to be too perfect. And that he stepped on some toes along the way. But his connection with Hannah is SPIRITUAL. A tear drops from Daddy’s eye and he gives Luke his full support. She must be worth it. And he thanks the Lord for softening Hannah’s heart.
Luke straight up tells his dad that he thinks Hannah will be Mrs. Parker by the end of this shindig and Dad praises his boy for winning the hand of the girl who currently has three other boyfriends.
Ironically, Hannah tells Luke’s brother and his wife that Luke’s arrogance is frustrating.
What’s that you say Mrs. Parker?
Luke’s brother defends him. He assures Hannah that what he’s hearing is not who Luke is in real life. Once he realizes his mistake, you will see the most humble guy in the world.
Dad tells Hannah the same thing. Whatever happened that left a bad taste in everyone’s mouth concerning Luke, was supposed to happen for some reason. It makes them stronger. Also, he knows his son is excited that Hannah is the one. There’s no doubt he’s ready for an engagement.
Hannah tells the family good-bye and Luke walks her out to the bench that the ABC Intern drug from the tarmac, to Peter’s parents’ house, to Tyler’s parents’ house, to Luke’s parents’ house. He apologizes for “putting her through a struggle” and praises their relationship for being back on track.
He tells her that without a doubt he sees a future and that he loves her. They share a slow, lingering, passionate kiss. She tells the camera that she is falling in love with Luke, too.
Survey Says: I think ABC is trying to give Luke some redeeming qualities since he, more than likely, is going to win this whole shebang and we can’t hate him.
After her fourth Jump & Straddle® into Jed’s arms, Hannah manages not to flash all of us in that teeny tiny billowy skirt. Jed takes her to a recording studio and for the umpteenth time this season, we get to hear him play a guitar and sing.
Only this time, he’s writing the song with Hannah. Bless it. Then they get into a booth and record it together. BLESS IT.
Hannah is visible nervous. Singing is not her talent. She played water glasses.
She makes it through the song. Jed is so happy. He tells her right there that he loves her and she cries wet tears on his pearl snap. Unfortunately, a real band comes into the studio for a real recording session and our love birds have to leave.
They head to Jed’s family’s immaculate backyard and we are treated to our fifth Jump & Straddle® of the night, courtesy of Jed’s dad Jerry into his son’s arms. To be fair, the dog did jump into Jed’s arms too, and if he could have straddled his master, I’m sure he would have.
They tell the family about their adventures, Jed makes a “cheers,” I curse the TV once more and scream, “IT’S A TOAST”, and then the mom Gina interrupts Jed’s toast for her own:
Gina: “Here to everyone trusting their intuition and their get everyday. Here’s to sticking to your truth.”
Annnnnnnd that’s when we assume that Gina is about fifty-percent against this union.
Jerry is skeptical, too. He tells Jed that he’s not sure he can get his head around this scenario. I mean, is he ready to be engaged? To get married? Jed informs his father that he and Hannah clicked on day one. Just like Haley, the girl he ghosted. He knows love and this is it.
Meanwhile, Hannah sits down with Gina, who immediately tells her not-future-daughter-in-law that she’s not having it because “Jed’s just another guy.”
Hannah: But he’s not.
Gina: But you are the bachelorette. And there are three more guys. So…
Hannah: It’s more than that.
Gina: Oh yeah? How so?
Hannah: I told your son that I’m are falling in love with him.
Gina: And how many people have you told that to?
Hannah: Just him.
Gina: And that’s supposed to make me feel better?
Gina goes for broke and tells Hannah that his heart has been broken before and it wasn’t good. Also, HE’S A MUSICIAN. You don’t have a diploma when you’re a musician. You can’t have a job because you focus on your music. (Read: Home Slice has no money and has been living with us for his entire life.)
Hannah asks if Jed is ready for marriage. Gina’s answer is simple.
Annnnnnnd that’s when we assume that Gina is about ninety-nine-percent against this union.
Hannah chalks it up to “protective mother” and moves on to his sister. Hannah tells her that she loves Jed’s music and that his passion for it is what drew her to him in the first place.
Hannah: Does it worry you that his music hasn’t taken off yet?
Sister: I’m very protective of Jed. Making music makes him happy. I’m not sure if it’s a good thing if he falls in love with you.
Sister is out to get Hannah. She’s is super confident that she can bring this bachelorette down. I believe her power comes from her phenomenal head of hair. Anyone with hair like that will one day rule the world.
We switch to Jed visiting with Gina. She straight up confesses to her son that she told Hannah she doesn’t see them getting engaged. And the fact that he’s even considering this is a little surprising to her.
This makes the good-bye hella awkward. Hannah tries to be polite, but it’s really hard when three sour faces are staring back at you. She’s upset that she didn’t get the reaction she wanted.
Survey Says: This terrible hometown date of course made me think that ABC was trying to fake us out into believing Jed was going home, when really it would be Peter. What do I know?
The camera catches the boys getting dressed as Hannah ponders on a balcony in a gorgeous emerald green dress that doesn’t have a back. She meets with Our Host Chris Harrison first, who looks dashing in his pinstriped suit.
Hannah is confused. How are you supposed to compare apples to oranges to kiwi to cantaloupe? It’s impossible to choose! She thought she could walk in there and it would all fall into place. But it doesn’t. She heads into the rose room anyway.
That shout you heard around the world around the hour/fifty minute mark was Peter getting the first rose. I have to say that I was disappointed in myself. I’ve been watching this show since 2003. How did I peg it SO WRONG?
The next bud goes to Tyler, who should have been kicked off for wearing man culottes with the dusty rose jacket.
Then Hannah loses the ability to speak. She starts to have a panic attack, so she abruptly about faces and heads back to her mentor who has to be fetched from his trailer where he is pouring three fingers of whiskey. The guys box out Luke and discuss (loudly) how surely the final rose belongs to Jed.
Hannah whines that this decision is soooo hard and she’s ready to dive in, but she can’t because she’s getting rid of someone too soon. Harrison gives her a “that’s life, kiddo” speech and sends her back into the room.
She tries to act like she can’t give a final rose to anyone, but her mediocre one-act play is interrupted by Our Host, who places two roses on the pedestal. Hannah smiles, shouts a celebratory ROLL TIDE, and hands a rose to Luke, then Jed.
There may not be any rules this season, but I will tell you what we do have is one angry contestant. Jed is livid that she would even have to pause between choosing him or despicable Luke. And according to next week’s teaser, he tells her exactly that on their romantic date in Greece.
So where does this leave us? As I mentioned last week, we see Peter on a boat, Tyler in a couple’s massage, and Jed topless with his guitar. We know Luke gets sent home with a middle finger salute after he says something stupid.
There are two BLEEPS in a windmill. Do you think this is before Luke’s date? Do you think the two BLEEPS are one person in one windmill? Or two separate times in two separate windmills? Will she have to get rid of two people next week? Or will she break the rules again and take three to meet her family?
I have no clue and I’m REALLY interested in hearing your theories in the comment section. Remember: THIS IS A SPOILER FREE ZONE!