Bachelorette JoJo: Let’s meet the suitors
The tans have been sprayed. The hair has been coiffed. The stubble has reached peak five o’clock shadow length. They teeth have been whitened. The Gap shirt has been selected. As soon as Our Host Chris Harrison sprays down the driveway, we can officially get this party started.
That’s right, people. The wait is over. ABC has just announced the 26 yahoos who will by vying for a chance to woo JoJo’s mom with a nice bottle of Merlot and to win JoJo’s brothers over by displaying the adequate amount of testosterone. Here’s my take on the front runners after a cursory glance of the The Bachelorette website.
Alex, 26, a U.S. Marine from Oceanside, CA
I like Alex. He admits that he likes slow dancing (hello!) and that he went through a skater phase once up on a time. I imagine it’s when Avril convinced the world that sk8ter boyz were dope. He also pulled someone out of a burning car, which is totally what a Marine would do. He never mentions where he works, but he does have a twin. I hear that’s an occupation…
Ali, 27, a bartender from Santa Monica, CA
Let the record show that I will refer to this guy as Prince Ali from this moment on. I will choose to overlook the fact that Dumb and Dumber is one of his favorite movies, and concentrate instead on the fact that he hates bugs. Remember who else hates bugs? That would be JoJo. Obviously Fleiss is going to make them both face their fear by eating chocolate covered cockroaches. He’ll eat her roach, so she doesn’t have to, and this act of heroism will buy him another week on the show.
Brandon, 28, a hipster from Los Angeles, CA
Wow. Brandon must feel so weird without his plaid shirt, American Apparel hoodie and Buddy Holly glasses. I bet he’s wearing skinny jeans right now. Do you think he’ll carry a messenger bag full of poetry around in the mansion? What if they don’t serve Pabst Blue Ribbon at the cocktail parties? And can someone tell me which actor looks exactly like this guy? It’s driving me nuts.
Chad, 28, a luxury real estate agent from Tulsa, OK
First of all, my fingers were crossed that this was the same Chad who left JoJo roses right before her big date with Ben last season. Sadly, it’s not the same dude. This Chad’s head shot is great. Unfortunately, he chached out in his bio. He answered “Myself in 10 years” to the questions: “Who do you admire most in the world? If you could be someone else for a day, who would you be? If you could have lunch with one person, who would it be?” He also uses the catch phrase, “alright, alright, alright” on the same three occasions. I understand that this is a shout-out to one of the all-time great pop culture characters named Wooderson from the cult classic Dazed and Confused. What I don’t understand is the frequency with which the phrase is repeated. Is the dude obsessed with Matthew McConaughey? Will he arrive at the mansion in a Buick and beat bongos as his ice breaker? Or does he relate more to Wooderson? Was he hoping for a red head and got JoJo instead? He’s a complete chach. He’ll be my favorite one to hate, I’m sure.
Chase, 27, a medical sale representative from Highlands Ranch, CO
Y’all. Chase might be my pick. He lists “honest, ambitious and sense of humor” as his attributes. I’m going to forget that Ace Ventura is a favorite movie and choose to focus on one of the others listed — Chronicles of Narnia. Homeboy loves Aslan so much, he has a tattoo of a lion on his ribs. Okay, I don’t know if it’s the same lion. Time will tell. He loves his dad and when asked what he WOULDN’T do for love, he answered, “Sell my truck.” Y’all know how I love a man with a truck/Jeep. Much like sunglasses, trucks makes everyone look hotter.
Christian, 26, a telecom consultant from Los Angeles, CA
Sweet, baby Christian looks like he just got out of college. He has great taste in movies (Lord of the Rings, Star Wars) and once Magic Miked during college. One thing about his bio is concerning though. He says that he tries to avoid pretentious people. I wonder how he’ll feel when he’s received in the upstairs library when he meet’s JoJo’s parents and brotherly bodyguards? I also wonder if his nerves are still raw from his ex-girlfriend getting custody of the pet chihuahua after the break-up?
Colin “Coley,” 27, a real estate consultant from Chicago, IL
Coley is a bit of a question mark. I admire the risk he takes to show up at ABC headquarters during marketing day with slicked back hair a plain black tee. His bio reveals that he likes Harry Potter. Perhaps he is channeling his inner Draco Malfoy? He also didn’t get the five o’clock shadow memo and went full-on beard. Another bold move. And his smile is dazzling. Even so, I bet he sports a man bun in week 2 when Harrison gathers the dudes in the sunken living room to drop the first date card.
Daniel, 31, a male model from Vancouver, B.C., Canada
From Questionnaire: Any tattoos?
Daniel’s Answer: No. Same reason you don’t put stickers on a lambo.
From Questionnaire: Are you comfortable wearing swimwear in public?
Daniel’s Answer: Very comfortable. Why have a lambo if you park it in the garage?
Lincee’s Thoughts: Daniel is a jack wagon.
Derek, 29, a commercial banker from Ft. Lauderdale, FL
Derek is another fav of mine. Not only do his eyes rival Harrison’s, he’s a Star Wars fan. He also likes Ben Franklin and his parents, but hates cucumbers and fluffy kittens. ME TOO! He proves his manliness when asked what three things he would bring on a desert island — He only needs one. Duct tape. He’s funny, smart and appears to be normal. Well done, Derek.
Evan, 33, an erectile dysfunction specialist from Nashville, TN
Look at his hair and re-read his occupation. That is all.
Grant, 28, a firefighter from San Francisco, CA
This dude is not going to enter a bromance with Coley because one of his worst dating experiences is when a girl talked about Harry Potter the entire time. He is a firefighter which means he probably has a few sets of abs tucked under that shirt. His dream job is being an agent in the FBI. Clearly he’s not watching Quantico.
Jake, 26, a landscape architect from Playa Vista, CA
This kid looks exactly like John Boyega who plays Finn in the new Star Wars movie. Seriously. (PS: What’s the Star Wars count at this point?) His bio is completely normal. I think I may root for him too!
James F., 34, a boxing club owner from Nashville, TN
James is a boxer. Obviously, there’s going to be a fighting match in week 3 where he will be knocked on his butt by Wooderson who uses sheer charisma to get the audience chanting, “Alright, alright, alright.” James F. mentions the diet “carb cycling” which I will Google for you now. Okay. Here’s what I have learned. Some days you eat high carbs and some days you eat no carbs. I know. I could totally do that. There are no carbs in Dr Pepper, right?
James S., 27, a “Bachelor” superfan from Phoenix, AZ
I need you to read his occupation. Bless him.
James Taylor, 29, a singer-songwriter from Katy, TX
He’s a singer/songwriter named James Taylor. Even though that’s a little too on the nose, I’ll allow it because his bio is normal. It’s funny, patriotic, honest and completely devoid of chach talk. He is an adorable Texan, therefore, I have to put him in my bracket.
Jonathan, 29, a technical sales representative from Vancouver, B.C., Canada
Jonathan is all over the map in his bio, eh? He admits that he would like to be someone poor in a third-world country to see what it’s like (admirable) but in the very next sentence, he claims that gluten isn’t a real allergy. Simmer down, Jonathan. There are a lot of mothers who watch this show who take great pride in their original recipe for a gluten-free muffin and your accusation just put you on the short list, my friend. Proceed with caution.
Jordan, 27, a former pro quarterback, Chico, CA
First of all, Jordan’s hair is just…no. Unless he’s playing Corny Collins in the ABC live version of Hairspray, I think he needs to lay off the product. With that said, I like his bio. He mentions that he has a fear of heights (cue the scaling the building date) but wisely follows that statement with “I’ve been trying to conquer that fear.” Way to water it down, dude. He also has a great answer when asked, “What’s the wildest thing you’ve done in the bedroom?” He hung a TV on the wall without directions or a stud finder. I thought that was hilarious. I like Jordan. Hair included.
Luke, 31, a war veteran from Burnet, TX
Luke looks like he should be a surgeon who came back to life on the Young and the Restless. His bio is a bit plain. He may be one that flies below the radar until JoJo asks him what he does for a living.
Nick B., 33, an electrical engineer, Fort Lauderdale, FL
Nick B. is a guy’s guy. His bio lists: athletics, Saving Private Ryan, a rugby team and Ducks Unlimited. I think he will be the one the dudes all bro out with well into the season. He’ll also be the one JoJo places directly in the Friend Zone.
Nick S., 26, a software salesman from San Francisco, CA
Okay. So Nick S. wears neckerchiefs and looks like the villain from an ‘80s movie. I get it. But he also has really fun answers in his bio! The dude chased a mountain lion for goodness sake. He wants to be James Bond. He wants to sail around the world and have a ton of kids one day! Here’s hoping he wants someone to come in and revamp his wardrobe too. Seriously? A neckerchief?
Peter, 26, a staffing agency manager from Chicago, IL
Hey Pete. Congratulations on the mustache finally coming in. I’m glad you waited for a national platform to properly debut it.
Robert “Robby,” 27, a former competitive swimmer from Jacksonville, FL
I’m afraid Robby uses too many exclamation points in his bio for me to take him seriously. Ten bucks says he wears a Speedo on the first beach/water date.
Sal, 28, an operations manager from Fort Lauderdale, FL
1. I will get this dude mixed up with Derek.
2. He had me at “No Kardashians” when answering the desert island question.
Vincent “Vinny,” 28, a barber from Delray Beach, FL
Vinny confesses that he once bleached his tips like Justin Timberlake. And don’t get him started about substituting turkey meat for real meat. This guy is going to hate living in a house of dudes, but will grow the most through the process.
Wells, 31, a radio DJ from Nashville, TN
Wells has potential if he plays his cards right. I can see him sitting back, allowing all the alpha males to dominate and make fools of themselves. Then he’ll swoop in with a little cool R&B playlist, slow dancing and the ability to carry on a conversation with a woman. PS: I have that jacket hanging in the attic at my Mama’s house. Except my buttons are New Kids on the Block, one that says, “I Amaze Myself” and a Magic Kingdom patch I got in Disney World. You can’t stop the cool.
William “Will,” 26, a civil engineer from Jersey City, NJ
I think Will is going to be the funny one, but it comes from a place of insecurity. He says that he’s stubborn and argumentative, but he’s working on those. He’ll lose his cool sooner or later and then have to apologize to someone. Maybe a house full of dudes isn’t the best place to process through those character traits?
What do you think of the Bachelorette JoJo lineup? Who are your favorites? Which ones already stand out as leaders of the pack? Let me know which and why in the comments section!