Bachelorette JoJo Finale: And the future Mr. JoJo is…

Bachelorette JoJo Finale Recap:

In the words of Natalie Imbruglia, JoJo is torn. She’s all out of faith. This is how she feels. She’s cold (shouldered) and she is chained, lying naked in denim panties on the floor.

Home girl is all out of panic attacks. From the looks of her face during After the Final Rose, she has switched from giddy soon-to-be bride to poorly disguised defeated fiancé. Who else noticed the plastered on fake smile? Am I the only one who predicts an expiration date on this business?

Hang in there, Joj. Your 120-day “pretend to be in love” contract countdown has begun. Jordan will be off traveling and reporting on college game day. You’ll have your weekends free to make Dancing with the Stars appearances and time to experiment with fun Snapchat filters. You’ll be back to single status before you know it. Just ask Andi how it’s done.

The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you follow on Snapchat happen to personally know, sort of know, or is friends with the Rodan+Fields consultant who claims to love Hodor even though she doesn’t watch Game of Thrones…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

Thanks so much to my sweet friends who stepped in for me last week to deliver a stellar recap! Didn’t they do a phenomenal job? I almost called another audible this episode due to severe jet lag, but I pressed on since it was the finale. Plus, I wanted to write about JoJo’s dramatic switch from rotating denim panties to rotating rompers.

Seriously. JoJo brought the romper game with her to Phuket and she brought it hard. Her worst nightmare right now? Choosing between two great guys. My worst nightmare? That statement romper with the cold shoulders. Yikes.

Jo prepares her parents and siblings for Jordan’s arrival. She warns them that he’s the guy that she typically goes for, yet something is different with this one. Mama adjusts her own cold shoulder blouse, touches up her lipstick, takes a swig of champagne and settles in on the couch, ready for the suitor to be presented. Everyone else looks bored.

Jordan chooses a basic grey t-shirt and khaki shorts for this very important occasion. He and his hair make an interesting first impression. Since Jordan and JoJo love to goof off and be silly, he breaks the tension by pulling out an assembly of different hats from a Whole Foods grocery sack. Mama gets a pink and white Easter bonnet. Daddy gets a cowboy hat. And JoJo wears a red kitty cat creation.

I’m unsure why we weren’t blessed with the extreme privilege of watching the brothers’ hat exchange. I like to think they both raised an eyebrow to Jordan, rolled their eyes and hard passed on the fabricated whimsical moment. As for the sister? He either gave her a veil and asked her to remain quiet, or forgot to get her any sort of head gear all together. Poor thing.

Mama digs Jordan’s vibe, but she remains cautious.

Mama: Are you planning on marrying my sweet baby precious Princess?
Jordan: Sure.

Mama: She has trust issues because of what happened in a previous relationship.
Jordan: Could his name have been Ben?

Mama: I don’t know. I barely remember that night. I do know that you are an attention catcher. Can you give me your word that you will never break my daughter’s heart?

Lincee: This is the longest pause in the history of time.
Lincee: Seriously. Say words right now, Jordan. It’s a little creepy.
Lincee: You’ve officially reached solid creep status, Jordan. Say something. Anything.
Jordan: Absolutely not.

Sooooo…you won’t give her your word that you won’t break her daughter’s heart? Or absolutely not you will not break her daughter’s heart? That’s Jordan. The king of double talk and ambiguity.

Mama pounds some more champagne and has a brief chat with her princess. She reminds JoJo that she’s the center of the party, yet this yahoo also seems to be the center of the party. You can’t ride a horse with two butts, so who will be the center of the party when they go to parties?

JoJo considers this wisdom. She’s frustrated. She and Jordan are definitely alike. Who will make her feel secure in the mirror? The dude already holding the mirror? She’s torn and lashes out at her mother: “Do you even like him?”

Mama: Who doesn’t like Jordan?
Lincee: Chad. Alex. Aaron Rodgers. Probably Olivia Munn. It’s just a guess.

Meanwhile, Jordan sits down with Dad and explains how he and JoJo have bonded over being damaged goods. Interesting. He tells her dad that JoJo is the one for him, in a roundabout way without really saying it, but never asks for his daughter’s hand in marriage. Ironically, JoJo gushes to the camera at that exact same moment, thrilled that Jordan is in there right now asking her Daddy for her hand in marriage. He would never propose without having her father’s permission.


The next day, Robby arrives in a Thai version of a motorized ricksha wearing a white oxford with a black tank underneath. He leaves the hotel slippers at the hotel. Good call. Robby practically enters the house with a declaration of love to all who know the beautiful and intelligent Joelle. He shares details of the moment in Uruguay when they first fell in love. You know — on their one date. He drops the L-bomb nine times before the brothers drag JoJo away for a serious talk.

There don’t appear to be any red flags with Robby. Jordan seems like a New Year’s Eve date. Ouch.

Robby visits with Mama and promises that her princess will be his biggest priority. He even vows that his entire life, including his job as a former swimmer, will revolve around her precious baby girl. What more does a mom need?

She needs to give her permission, that’s what.

Robby escorts Mama over to Daddy and asks for Joelle Hannah Fletcher’s hand in marriage. Daddy begins to cry at the emotion of this moment. Mama would too if her tear ducts hadn’t been removed in 1998. We hug it out and pop open another round of Dom.

At this point, the entire family is Team Robby. He’s grounded, good looking, family-oriented and totally asked permission to be a part of the family. Everyone thinks he’s a logical fit. He’s committed and ready for marriage.

JoJo leans back on the couch. Does this mean Jordan isn’t ready for marriage?

Brother: Robby plans to propose.
JoJo: And Jordan doesn’t? Dad, did Jordan ask you?
Mama: He didn’t ask…
Mama: Well he should have asked me too.

The ABC Intern prepares the Natalie Imbruglia track. He waits with baited breath.

JoJo is shocked that Jordan didn’t ask her dad for her hand. They had a serious conversation about how important this gesture is to her and he outright defied her wishes. How dare he take her spotlight?

While the brother lectures her on how she is blatantly protecting Jordan after praising Robby seconds before, JoJo melts down into her mother’s lap. She’s sooooo confuuuuuuuuused. This is soooooo stresssssssful. She can’t make a decisssssssssion because she’s toooooooorn.

This was a perfect crouching moment, but JoJo refrains. She just scratches her weave and breaks out in hives on her décolletage as the sister contemplates, “Why am I here again?”

The next day, JoJo meets Robby on the beach in an elephant-themed romper. He wears modest swim trunks (for Robby) and for a moment, I thought he was going to try and Dirty Dance JoJo Baby-style up over his head in the water. Instead, he puts her on his shoulders. Are they about to have a chicken fight with someone? Or are the swimming pigs coming? Hide your frankfurters!

They cop a squat on the beach and I am mesmerized by Robby’s hair. He literally just walked out from the ocean waves and his hair is exactly how it was when he went in. That’s some industrial strength sculpting pomade. I’m talking 1950’s butch wax. It’s a feat of engineering that almost caused me to miss the very important “what will our future be like” conversation.

Robby explains that they will have a comfortable couch, a dog, faint noises of kids in the background and a burned dinner because they are too much into each other’s essence to remember that a homemade lasagna is in the oven. Oh look! There’s the live-in maid ironing Robby’s pocket squares!

JoJo confesses that Robby makes her feel alive and that it is overwhelming how much she trusts him. Funny. That’s exactly what his ex-girlfriend said three months ago.

JoJo executes an embarrassing sandy jump and straddle in a seated position right there on the beach. Is she single handedly trying to make all his dreams come true right this second? One wrong move and there will definitely be the pitter patter of little feet.

So, she’s not torn anymore. Got it.

That night, the spa slippers make an appearance and I decide to accept that this is Robby’s thing. I might as well accept the floral broach affinity too. JoJo’s purple and white ombre sweater would be perfect for a cover-up at a Hallsville High School senior swim party, but she wears it as a dress. She leans into Robby and asks, “How did I get here with you?”

That’s the million dollar question, sister. Some of us are still scratching our heads.

The next day, JoJo invites Jordan to join her on a boat. She wears denim panties. He wears denim boxer briefs. JoJo is visibly anxious and Jordan calls her out on it. She caves and then suggest they kayak through a cave.

That’s symbolism, y’all.

During their picnic, she reverse psychologies Jordan and asks HIM what’s on his mind. He naturally brings up the fact that he had so much fun with her family. Oh really? What did you talk about? To Jordan’s defense, he knows exactly what she’s asking and quickly responds that he did NOT ask her father to marry her. JoJo is ticked and silently demands an explanation.

Allow me to decipher the double talk that lasted 10 minutes. Jordan claims that he didn’t ask Dr. Fletcher to marry Joelle Hannah Fletcher because he didn’t know how SHE felt. He’s all in. He wants to marry her. But if there’s a chance Robby could be the last skinny suit standing, he doesn’t want to look like a fool.

JoJo explains that she’s been waiting for someone to have this conversation with her father for her entire life. The fact that he DIDN’T have it makes her unsure, or torn, if you will. She reminds him that they talked about how important this gesture is in the fantasy suite. Robby did it. So did Peter Brady. And I’m sure that Other Chad would have had he not had an emergency highlight session that one afternoon so long ago.

So what happens two days from now? JoJo is floored when Jordan answers, “I don’t know.”

She refrains from using her swimming necklace to choke the life out of Jordan right there on the beach. That night, they have the exact same conversation again. Jordan remains steadfast in his decision. JoJo remains torn.

Robby, on the other hand, practically skips on over to Neil Lane’s cabana so he can pick out the perfect ring for his bride-to-be. Then he writes her a love note. There’s a rubber band around his wrist. Nothing says true love like sharing hair accessories. Could Robby be the one?

On the other side of the resort, Jordan crumbles under the pressure and calls the Fletchers. Dr. Fletcher assures Jordan that he has his permission and his boys’ permission while Mama Fletcher shouts over speaker phone that she’s okay with all of this too. The sister is in the attic currently sewing a cold shoulder wedding gown. Even though Uncle Neil tries to persuade Jordan to choose the bigger diamond, Jordan goes with a normal-size engagement ring. He writes his own note and prepares for the big day.

JoJo wakes up on engagement day with all sorts of clarity. Then the doorbell rings. She finds two notes from her boyfriends. All three parties read the notes in dramatic voiceover as they all get ready for the moment of truth. It’s a montage of striped socks, no socks, bare torsos, bare feet, pale pink toga dress with a slit up to there, blurred Calvins, pink ties and black rubber bands.

Suddenly, JoJo melts down over Jordan’s admission that he did ask her parents for her hand. She tells the camera that she’s having a panic attack, yet she never crouches. The slit is PERFECT for crouching, but she insists on roaming around the bamboo mats, clay pots and Get In Shape Girl ribbons flowing on the beach.

The ABC Intern did a bang up job with that glue gun. SHOUT OUT!

Our Host Chris Harrison meets the first black SUV and the camera pans to the feet stepping out. We know that Jordan has on striped socks from the voiceover montage before. When we see a metro version of the Wicked Witch’s preferred stockings, everyone is shocked to find Robby attached to them.

Is “shocked” the right word?

Robby delivers his “you have my heart” monologue for the tenth episode in a row. She interrupts him with hyperventilation, asking him to cease and desist from all of the praising. She loves him. She wanted it to be him. But her heart is with someone else.

Robby handles the rejection gracefully. He cries a few lonely tears and wishes her well. She cries all the tears and feels all the feels as she watches him drive away. Still no crouching.

Jordan arrives in the tightest blue suit this side of the Mississippi. When JoJo asked him not to get down on one knee yet, I nodded my head in agreement. There’s no way the seam of his pants will make it. Good call.

Instead, she tells him that she loves him before he indeed gets down on one knee. She looks manic as he puts the ring on her finger. She gives him the rose and he picks her up like he’s going to run into the ocean with her. Instead, they toast their budding engagement at sunset, eager to share each other’s yoga pants in the near future.

Even on the beach, JoJo seems skeptical. She doesn’t jump up and down or have that look of complete relief that the circus is finally over. I was eager to see how she behaved at Men Tell All, but it would have to wait until after Robby joined Harrison on the hot seat.

Robby has been busy during these last few months. He’s toned down the tangerine-tinted moisturizer, but he’s amped up his teeth whitening regime.

Ross Teeth

His accessory game is still on point in case anyone was wondering, although I do feel like he should have removed the broach. With the hair, the bright smile, the pocket square, the tie AND the flower on the lapel, it felt like a lot going on.

To no one’s surprise, Robby is disappointed. He was convinced he was the only one left in Thailand. He thinks she’s a special person, but he does need some clarity. Harrison invites JoJo to join them on stage. She has a messy ponytail and champagne-colored dress with one cold boob and a warm neck. It came from the same bridesmaid line as Ashley Eyelashes who is in the audience pimping Bachelor in Paradise.

JoJo explains that she did love Robby, but her heart is with Jordan. She’s happy and he needs to know that everything worked out as it was supposed to. Jordan licks his veneers and thanks her for being honest.

After the commercial break, ABC pays The Chad $1,000 to stand up and hijack the show, suggesting to the audience and Our Host that he should be the next bachelor because he lost his mom and he’s a marine. Even the security guy behind him isn’t feeling it. I’m not feeling his beard.

Our Host Chris Harrison gets us back on track by bringing up every mean tabloid cover that JoJo has graced during her time as the bachelorette. Nice. JoJo explains that life has been tough. No one believes that she and Jordan are meant to be together. Pay no attention to her face that practically screams, “I AM STILL TORN.”

Jordan finally comes out, wearing the same suit he did in Thailand, and JoJo’s enthusiasm is mediocre at best. Jordan plays it up big time. When Harrison asks how things are going, Jordan once again brings up how glad he is that they have family to depend on. Things are great.

JoJo begs to differ. She claims things are difficult. Let’s not sugar coat it, darling.

This “torn” statement is brought to you by a little thing I like to call foreshadowing.

Harrison asks if they’ve almost broken up over the stress of the relationship? The answer is no. (Read: we have a contract.) Harrison presses. How do they handle the stress?

JoJo: We don’t read that garbage. But I will sell my engagement pics to People Magazine.

Jordan tells Hare that his bags are packed and he’s moving to Dallas after all of the morning media blitz. He has to pick up his bed in Nashville first, but then all is well. They have a house and everything. Have a realtor as a finance is super convenient.

Harrison asks about Aaron Rodgers and Jordan blurts out the prepared speech that his brother’s attorney gave him days before. He says nothing other than the focus is on them as a couple, not his brother. Chris hopes something good can come of this. Like an invite to a box suite at Lambeau Field.

Okay, who’s with me? Who else thinks that JoJo is totally playing a role right now? She’s not happy. I can see it on her face. Am I right?

And who will be watching Bachelor in Paradise this season? It’s going to be epic! Bring your hand sanitizer. Here’s to Jorge the Bartender!!!

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