Bachelorette JoJo recap: Rub some dirt on it

Bachelorette JoJo Recap: Episode 4

At least we know that our Chad episodes are numbered. Am I right? I’m sorry for those of you who had him in your top 5 and now your bracket is busted, but this particular jack wagon has got to go. Seriously. After offering E.D. twenty bucks for his ripped shirt and a promise to JT that he would leave people alone if they left him alone, even I was glad to see JoJo show up for the super fun pool-themed cocktail party with her crochet/fringe combo cover-up.

I also love that JoJo and Robby were the only two who didn’t get their hair wet. Hair extensions are hard to maintain, y’all. It’s better to be safe than saggy.

The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you follow on Snapchat happen to personally know, sort of know, or is friends with the Rodan+Fields consultant who claims to love Hodor even though she doesn’t watch Game of Thrones…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

JoJo strips down to her black string bikini, takes a few tequila shots with the boys, watches as they have chicken fights, feigns concern for E.D.’s bloody nose and cheers as her suitors perform a perfectly synchronized swimming side dive into the pool. Even the boxer, the one you quizzically asked the person next to you, “Who’s that guy?” jumped into the deep end fully clothed in a traditional cocktail party suit. You go, Boxer! Keep that up and viewers will finally learn your name!

When Jordan pulls her away for some alone time, JoJo executes the first Jump and Straddle (trademark pending) of the season. The production team wisely uses a black modesty box to prevent viewers from seeing her exposed butt cheeks. Interesting. JoJo gets a black modesty box but we see the inner workings of Guru Layaa’s thrusting pelvis in all its glory the previous night? To quote my friend Some Guy in Austin, “I could see what she had for breakfast.” Hey ABC, I think it’s time to rework the graphic standards manual.

JoJo sees herself falling for Jordan, but she’s concerned that he’s not that into her as much as she’s into him. She even uses the phrase “too good to be true.” It sounds like someone has been on the phone with a former bachelorette who also gave her first impression rose to a former football player. You can read all about Andi’s plight in her new book Eet’s Not Okay on sale now.

Jordan rubs and scratches every inch of JoJo’s skin when he’s not kissing it. It’s a tactic Jordan uses to distract JoJo enough to forget her train of thought. Big J is scared. He needs to open up like the other guys. There’s Luke who busts out a guitar. And Robby who busts out some hair product. Even Chad seems to be making strides.

Speaking of The Chad, JoJo giggles as he saunters up to her, slathered in bacon grease. He opts not to chow down on a raw sweet potato in front of her. Regular old alcohol in a glass will do today. The liquid courage helps him assure JoJo that everything is copacetic in the mansion. She has nothing to worry about. JoJo literally rolls her eyes (#love) and calls Chad out for being a chach on the group date. Chad pulls an oldie but goodie to defend the reason he balked at her rose distribution: “If you have any interest in E.D., then what am I doing here? We are polar opposites.”

Of course E.D. appears at this exact moment, having been encouraged by handlers to interrupt this JoJo time with the hope that The Chad would turn into the Hulk, or something. Chad did not. He just kicked the head of an innocent inflatable peacock. He also overhears Derek tell JoJo that he moved rooms due to of all of Chad’s negativity, which is a less dorky way of saying, “I was scared for my life.”

Chad asks Derek to join him in the entry hallway for a quick chat. All the annoying dudes who love this drama (read: Grant, Alex and E.D.) hang out by the doorway while the normal ones act like civilized human beings. Derek attacks with his best weapon – honesty.

Big Tuna: JoJo asked me a question and I answered it. I’m not trying to sabotage you.

Chad blows it all out of proportion and straight up asks Derek if he’s afraid of him. Derek wisely answers, “Uh…yeah.” Derek is right. Perception is reality and Chad looks like he’s about to go postal on anyone within a punching radius, which happens to be Jim Halpert at the moment. DO NOT MESS UP THAT PRETTY SMILE, CHAD, OR YOU’LL HAVE ME TO DEAL WITH.

Later that night at the actual rose ceremony, JoJo switches from touching her hair every five seconds to pulling down her sparkly formal crop top. All the guys assume that since Harrison gave Chad a stern talking to, JoJo isn’t going to give him a rose. As we all suspected, Fleiss needs one more episode to really make the audience hate Chad enough for him to be a super villain on Bachelor in Paradise. Of course he gets a rose.

It’s sweet Christian, St. Nick and Prince Ali who get the boot. Our bachelors are livid! Except Damn Daniel. He’s looking forward to chest and arms day. Again.

JoJo gathers all of her suitors together for a celebratory toast. Good news! They are leaving the drama, the nonsense and the mansion behind. Pack your bags boys, because the destination is a surprise. You’ll never guess!

I can assure you that not one of those dudes would have ever guessed Nemacolin, Pennsylvania if they had been given 100 chances. But never fear. Nemacolin is a magical place where black bears roam free and rando girls have the opportunity to give back to society by flying in a charming biplane to participate in aerial mail calls.

I don’t mind that JoJo was holding her hair during the entire flight, only because I felt bad for her since she looked like she was ready to puke. I did appreciate how she deplaned like a boss. With that said, I’m sure she would have rather been mudding with the boys in their colorful Jeep Wranglers. There’s no denying it. Like sunglasses, everyone looks hotter in a Jeep.

“I like you very mush.”

I had no idea dogs could sled on non-snowy ground. It never occurred to me. Only in exotic Pennsylvania.

After mushing their way through the woods, JoJo and Luke stop at a wood-burning hot tub. Well, it’s technically a big barrel full of tepid water, but as soon as Luke splits a few logs, there will be enough wood for said hot tub water to heat up. The entire exchange reminds me of this scene from a movie I actually own.

JoJo instructs Luke to go behind a bush to change into a swimsuit. When he emerges from beyond the foiliage, her eyes bug out. He’s in “impeccable shape.” I would have to agree with Joj. She changes into a royal blue swimsuit that accentuates her boobs, dips one toe in the water and shrieks because the hot tub water is hot.

Jim Halpert

Luke picks her up by her butt and slowly but surely lowers her into the water, much like you would gently acclimate a goldfish into its new environment. JoJo admires the peace and quiet of the outdoors. Luke reminds her that he grew up on a ranch. She tells him that he doesn’t look like a rugged man. Very few cowboys sport metro hair, skinny jeans and fancy pants shoes. He tells her that he’s happy in either Nashville or Austin. When JoJo hears a Texas city, she sits a little taller. Daddy may let her date a boy from a town just down the Interstate from Dallas.

Naturally JoJo doesn’t feel confident in Luke because he’s a brooding cowboy. She has high hopes that he will open up at dinner. And boy does Luke deliver. He tells the story of a small-town Texas boy who was recruited to play football at West Point and later joined the military. He had many soldiers’ lives in his hands. And one friend was killed in action. In Afghanistan, he learned the value of what life means and that tomorrow isn’t guaranteed.

He tells JoJo that he’s an emotional person. She laughs in his face. Clearly he keeps those emotions close to the metro vest. He wants to live a life that makes the hair stand up on the back of his neck. JoJo wisely asks him an example of that moment. And of course, he says, “This moment right now.” GIVE HIM THE ROSE, WOMAN.

JoJo indeed gives him the rose and then takes him to a room full of people who all have their phones up and ready to video tape the happy couple as they enter the building, ascend up to a small platform and offer major public displays of affection as country music artists Dan + Shay sing their latest tune. Luke only had eyes for JoJo. It was awkward in a sweet way that makes you consider hiding behind a couch cushion, but you decide against in in lieu of witnessing the love story unfold before your eyes.

Group Date
“We. Could. Go. All. The. Way”
James T
James F.

The guys take a ferryboat to Heinz Field where the Pittsburgh Steelers play. Ben Roethlisberger, Hines Ward and Brett Keisel are all there to run the boys through a few exercises to help them prepare for a friendly game of football. Well, Roethlisberger is there to advise JoJo and sit in the stands away from any action so he can’t get into trouble, but that’s neither here nor there. The winning team gets special alone time with JoJo.

I know what you’re thinking. There are 11 guys on this date? That’s not an even number. How will they ever divide into teams?

Since Jordan is a former baller, he’s going to quarterback for both sides. This guarantees him a spot at the victory party. I won’t ramble on about how unfair this is, or even bring up how Grant the firefighter won the fire fighting date. I’ll just let you draw your own conclusions.

The guys take their training seriously. There’s enough pent-up aggression, even when Chad isn’t around, that they all end up eating it on more than one occasion. James Taylor face plants so many times that his eyeball starts to bleed. He refuses medical attention, preferring to protect his injury using a white gauze bandage wrapped around his head. He looks like an extra in a movie about the Civil War. The coaches did say to leave it all out on the field. Obviously this includes corneas.

When E.D. gets another nose bleed (I blame allergies), the coaches decide it’s time to compete before someone breaks a bone. The winners get a cocktail party. The losers get a rejection van ride home. JT gets stitches. Suit up!

Vinny is upset that he’s on the clumsy blue team. Derek pulled a muscle and basically can’t run. JT has blood running down his face and E.D. is more concerned making his headband look like ‘90s Madonna than thinking about defense. May I present a text I received from my friend Susan as Exhibit A:

funny bachelorette recap- JoJo recap

To everyone’s surprise, the blue team actually holds its own. E.D. claims he’s in beast mode and even catches a few balls since his bangs have been secured thanks to his Material Girl headband. The score is tied up with the winning touchdown on the line. Derek strips the ball from Wells and runs it in for a touchdown. Blue team wins!

The white team is sent home in grey sweat suits – the uniform of losers. The blue team puts on their best leather to toast their victory and their prize. Robby swoops JoJo away from the others. He hints that he really wants a one-on-one date. To drive the point home, he hoists her up on the pool table and begins making out with her after she untangles her hair from his hair. JoJo says that Robby blew her away. There’s something sexy about him. Could it be the perfectly manicured beard?

She spends some time with Derek, kisses JT’s stiches to make him feel better (barf) and tells Jordan, again, that she wishes he would open up more than his mouth. JoJo is nervous around Jordan because he’s so hard to read. She wants him to share his feelings. So he does. And she thanks him for being honest even though she technically forced him to do it. He gets the date rose for basically following directions.

Chad and Alex
“Let’s Get Lost”
Into the woods your path goes. Only one returns with a rose. — Our Host Chris Harrison

The date begins with all the guys uncomfortably sitting on the L-shaped couch in the log cabin. Chad stands off to the side, daring anyone to talk to him. When Luke asks him a “stupid question,” he asks the peanut gallery, “Who has a problem with me?” Three brave souls raise their hands (Chase, Alex and Grant). Chad invites each of them to go outside and settle this. None oblige because they are contractually obligated not to.

Grant calls him a coward. Wells offers to be the “mouth” of reason. Jordan spouts off something that makes Chad threaten to find him after the show so he can properly open a can of whoop a$$ on him. Jordan welcomes the visit.

Then we experience the longest pause in the history of television. I took a bath while the guys sat around in silence. Finally, Alex hops up to say good-bye and the entire fraternity wishes him and his patriotic socks the best of luck. No one wants to see Chad come back. According to Alex, this is a test of good verses evil. All he has to do is keep his emotions in check and watch as Chad self-destructs on his own.

Because the producers are about as crazy as Chad, they decide to drop off the threesome in the middle of nowhere to go hiking. The dense woods are the perfect place to hide a dead body. Chad helps JoJo over logs and branches as Alex brings up the rear. The silence is unsettling.

Alex has the first alone time. JoJo wants to talk about Chad, so Alex tells a little story about how their date mate has plans to track down Jordan post-show to give him a well-deserved knuckle sandwich. JoJo admits that she’s having an out-of-body experience at this news.

JoJo is conflicted. She pulls Chad into the woods to get to the bottom of his anger issues. She opens with, “So I was just talking to Alex…”

It’s too bad there wasn’t enough room in that helicopter for the security detail. Watch out for deep holes, Alex!

JoJo has a simple inquiry: Why did he threaten to find Jordan after the show so he could beat him? Chad encourages JoJo to think back at her time during the show. Didn’t the girls ever push her buttons?

She quickly informs Chad that she never beat a girl to shut her up. She had a conversation like a normal person. She’s disappointed because she gave him a second chance and now she needs to go think about next steps as she sits alone on a log. He’s dismissed. And he’s pissed. So he throws his adorable blue tin cup from Restoration Hardware into the river.

JoJo is upset because she doesn’t know Angry Chad. Her Chad is a good kisser, and sensitive, and a good kisser and just lost his mother and a good kisser. What’s a girl to do?

Chad returns to camp to pick a verbal fight with Alex. He’s sad that he can’t punch Alex because he’ll “get in trouble.” So Alex engages in petty dialog until JoJo comes back to sit between them. She lectures Chad about his anger issues and point blank asks him if he has ever threatened anyone in the house.

Chad: It’s not 100-percent false.

Other creative ways Chad could have answered that sentence:

I might maybe have.
It’s not not true.
I wouldn’t object to you not saying that I had.

JoJo: I see. You’re answer is yes. Okay, I don’t think you are the person you say you are. I can’t condone when someone resorts to violence. Yes you have a great set of abs, but I just learned yesterday that Chase does too, so you’re out. Violence is not the way to solve things. Seek help. Alex? Will you accept this rose?
Alex: I have no problem with being the default or answering you directly. Yes I will accept your rose.

Alex and JoJo walk back toward the general direction of the helicopter as Chad is left to fend for himself in the woods. I bet he really wishes he didn’t throw away that perfectly good tin cup right about now. The love birds eventually find a secluded cabin to get their drink on. Chad wanders through the thick forest, whistling like every serial killer in a horror movie set in summer camp.

The last thing we see is Chad skipping up to the front door of the boy’s cabin. The Boxer spies him through the window and hides. If they all agree to be quiet. Hopefully he will just go away. Then a phone rings. It’s Chad.

The call is coming from inside the house…

What did you think of this episode? Who hopes that Chad tries to punch someone? Will E.D. live to see another day or another nose bleed? Is Luke the one or is he too boring? Sound off in the comments section!


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