Bachelorette JoJo recap: Stop horsing around

Bachelorette JoJo recap: Episode 7

In general, last night’s Bachelorette episode was a Snooze Fest. We all knew Alex and Jimmy T’s heads were on the chopping block. Only their mothers were surprised to see them go. The writing was on the wall last week when JoJo chose to extend Alex’s time in Argentinian paradise one more week because she couldn’t imagine any of her other suitors in full gaucho attire, complete with jaunty beret. With that said, I’m sure Robby could have pulled it off with aplomb.

The episode did have its milestone moments. At one point, my little watching group was rendered speechless. I’m looking at you, Horse Whisperer. In another instance, we protested the actions broadcast before our innocent eyes in a way that rivaled passionate outbursts from seasons of yore.

funny bachelorette recap-tastes like feet

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you follow on Snapchat happen to personally know, sort of know, or is friends with the Rodan+Fields consultant who claims to love Hodor even though she doesn’t watch Game of Thrones…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

Although JoJo’s journey to find love will continue in Argentina, she packs her one tiny Louis Vuitton bag in preparation for her trip to South America’s cowboy country. JoJo pairs my mama’s snap crotch bodysuit and forest green stirrup pants from 1984 with a pair of Robin Hood riding boots. Giddy up.

Harrison walks into the boy’s hotel room oozing confidence. He’s the only one who has yet to conform to the floppy hair ways of this season’s cast. I admire that. Who needs follicle volume when you have a set of baby blues like that guy? Be still my heart.

Where was I?

Our Host lets that guys know that JoJo is going to have three one-on-one dates and one group date this week. Only one rose is up for grabs, and that’s the group date rose. Everyone else will have to suffer through the dates and sweat it out at the rose ceremony.

FIRST ONE-ON-ONE
Alex
“I gaucho on my mind.”

Oh happy day! Everyone cheers the fact that Alex can finally stop complaining about how he has never had a one-on-one. The only person who doesn’t seem elated is JoJo. Is she upset that she lost a thumb war to Alex? Was she irritated that he called the middle hump in the backseat for their ride into the countryside? Whatever the case, she’s clearly not feeling it. Even when Alex puts together two chips to form a duck face, she turns her cheek when he goes in for the kiss. That’s saying something. Who can resist a kiss with the residual crumbs of an original-flavored Pringle? #redflag

Meanwhile, the producers put the other five dudes on an Argentinian version of the Partridge Family bus. Keeping in spirit, the boys bust out with a little family ditty of their own, complete with Chase beat boxing and the others “rapping” about how Alex is probably going home. It was no “Right Reasons (Right Reasons),” but that’s what happens when Soulja Boy isn’t there to help things along. Their rhyming skills were impressive. Also impressive? Robby’s spa slippers.

Back at the estancia, Carlos and Oscar teach JoJo and Alex what it’s like to be a real gaucho. They dress the lovely couple up in traditional garb. For Alex, it’s a starched white shirt and billowy pants complete with kerchief and French beret. For JoJo, it’s suede bell-bottom pants just like all the gaucho-ettes wore back in the 1800s.

JoJo mounts her horse with the grace of a sorority girl during Greek Week. To be fair, her pants were hella tight. Alex reaches for his love so he can hold her hand as they roam the beautiful land. He tells her that she looks like a Ralph Lauren model. She gazes into the sunset and closes her eyes. I can’t tell if she’s really into the serenity of it all or trying to figure out what time it so she can start a mental countdown to ripping the Band-Aid.

Carlos explains that a gaucho has a special bond with his horse. He then asks JoJo and Alex watch a gaucho Horse Whisperer man handle his noble steed into submission before wallowing all over the large beast’s body. JoJo says it was beautiful to watch, which is code for incredible awkward. Carlos invites the love birds to lay down on the horse. I found this odd. “Don’t worry about it, gringos! Think of it as a chaise lounge. With a heartbeat.”

JoJo sinks into the neck of the stallion, matching her breathing with the rhythm of her new horse friend. Alex ruins the moment by leaning over for a kiss. He also confirms that he’s her “goocho.” JoJo sighs and corrects his mispronunciation of the word. Alex doesn’t hear her. He’s too busy falling in love. And staring at her boobs. The producers force them to make out in front of a wicked awesome sunset. It’s clear that JoJo has a bigger connection with the horse than with Alex.

She thanks Alex for being so open and relaxed. He tells her he’s excited to drink it up with her brothers. He tells her that he’s falling in love before dropping four or five “amazings” in one sentence. JoJo stops him in his tracks. She can no longer string Alex along. She confesses that she’s not filling it.

Alex: But today is the best day I’ve had with you!
Lincee: It’s also the only day you’ve had with her. Details.
JoJo: I should be more excited about you telling me you love me. I’m not close to the same page. In fact, I’m thinking about every other person here more than you. Including the horse. And those 17 dogs we saw with their leases tied to a fence.

JoJo tells Alex that she has too much respect for him to make him sit around all week. She places him in the rejection jalopy, willing him not to accidentally fling mud on her oatmeal-colored cashmere poncho. And that’s the last we heard from him. No tears. No outburst. No confession in the jalopy. No celebratory “whoop” from the remaining boys. Nothing. Peace out, Goocho.

SECOND ONE-ON-ONE
Jordan
“Let’s toast to love.”

Jordan shrugs into his nicest maroon T-shirt and workout shorts to prove that he’s not an elitist. Then he rides in a limo to meet JoJo inside a private jet. Once they take off to Mendoza, they make out like she’s laying on a horse.

JoJo’s shredded sweater, denim panties and wishbone necklace are the perfect outfit for stomping grapes in a vineyard. I barely even questioned her decision to hop into Jordan’s barrel to squash along with him. My first shiver came when she took her foot and seductively rubbed grape bits and juicy parts up and down his leg. The shock and awe came when she and Jordan both dipped a wine glass into the foot-funk-infested grape concoction and SLURPED it.

To be clear, this entire exchange took a solid 60 seconds. There was plenty of time for viewers at home to beg both JoJo and Jordan to not partake in the chunky, floating bits of grape skin, seeds, vines, barrel rot and toenail fungus. But they did anyway. Could this be true love?

I’m actually surprised there was a date at all. You know Montezuma’s Revenge made an appearance later that night for sure. However, we do find JoJo and Jordan heading to a lovely dinner. JoJo’s leather skit has a front zipper that leads all the way to her under carriage. They sit down to eat, basking in the memories of travel, vineyards and tasting each other’s foot essence.

JoJo reminds Jordan that the next week his hometown dates. She casually wonders who she will meet? When Jordan doesn’t mention his sports celebrity brother Aaron Rodgers, JoJo is confused. Inquiring minds want to know why?

To quote Facebook: It’s complicated.

Jordan: It’s not ideal, and I love him. I can’t imagine what it’s like to be in his shoes and have the pressure he has and the demands from people he has. I don’t have hard feelings against him. It’s just how things go right now.

JoJo’s face falls. We don’t know if it’s because she was really excited to meet the famed quarterback, or if she’s concerned for her floppy-haired beau. After Jordan tells her he’s loved her since the first impression rose, JoJo assures Jordan that she’s in this.

My friend Murphy from Star 104 in Pennsylvania thinks Jordan is pulling a Slughorn. He thinks this is all a ploy to see if JoJo is a gold digger. When she proves herself worthy, Aaron Rodgers will pop out from behind a wall and offer her the entire Wonka Factory. I think this is solid theology.

Speaking of walls, Jordan totally redeemed himself from his up-against-the-partition kiss from a few weeks ago. Although it wasn’t Arie-worthy, it was definitely better than before. He’s clearly reading this blog and learning to mend his ways. As long as she doesn’t fall down the stairwell, I give this one a solid B+ grade.

GROUP DATE
Chase, JT, Robby
“Let Our Love Soar”

Apparently whatever JoJo had planned for this particular group date was totally ruined by rain. She calls an audible and decides that they are going to spend the day hanging out in her hotel room playing slumber party games. Ten bucks says JT freezes Robby’s bra.

JoJo entices the boys with plates and plates of greasy foods. JT shoves 25 French fries in his mouth. JoJo finds this hilarious. Robby and Chase sit back and watch as JT digs his own grave. They enjoy a massage train, a game of Pictionary and Head’s Up before JoJo dares Robby to strip down to his undies and run down the hall.

Robby pretends to be embarrassed. Let me remind you that his profile reads “former competitive swimmer” under occupation. The guy has no problem displaying his junk. I appreciate that he used his camera time to apologize to his grandma, but come on. He probably lived in a Speedo for the better part of a decade.

JT takes a look at Robby’s abs and decides he needs to sabotage our favorite spa slipper wearing suitor. He talks on and on and on about how Robby has a wandering eye. The fact that JT continues to bring it up, and that he lays across him and JoJo like they were gaucho horses annoys the crap out of Robby.

Robby decides to take JoJo away to profess his love. He also admits that his ex-girlfriend of three years has only been an “ex” for four and a half months. This information rattles JoJo. The word REBOUND flashes before her eyes. Robby assures her he has faith in what they have and that their three-week relationship is way stronger than the three years he spent with old what’s her name.

Chase does the same thing in his alone time. He doesn’t use the words “falling” or “love,” but JoJo totally understands that he’s saying it without saying it. It’s between like and love. It’s loke.

After the French fry incident, JT lands himself squarely in the Friend Zone. He dreams about JoJo meeting his family, but we all know that ain’t gonna happen.

It will happen for Robby because JoJo gives the date rose to his abs. They share a romantic make out sesh in the lightning. Kudos to the self-proclaimed front runner.

FINAL ONE-ON-ONE
Luke

The producers bestow the rancher from Texas a bit of an edge by giving him the horse riding/clay shooting date. Luke would like for me to inform you that no horses were ridden upside down or lounged upon during his time with JoJo.

Luke rambles up to the gauchos in tight black pants and a denim shirt. My friends Connie, Emily and Stephanie all commented that this exact outfit has been one of their Bitmoji outfits on numerous occasions. JoJo’s shirt was held together by safety pins. Perhaps she ripped it mounting her pony?

Luke teaches JoJo how to ride a horse. He kills two clay pigeons before walking her through the proper way to handle a shot gun. Yes, please. When she hits a clay pigeon, she mounts him like the Horse Whisperer taught her.

JoJo is attracted to seeing Luke in his environment. She’s also pumped that he too doesn’t know what’s around the corner in the future, but he wants to figure it out. With JoJo by his side. Luke gives her an intense look before kissing her passionately in the barn.

ROSE CEREMONY
JoJo doesn’t need a cocktail party to drag out the inevitability of JT’s exit from Argentinian paradise. All she needs is a structure that looks like the Alamo and three boutonnieres. Luke, Jordan, Chase and Robby have all scored hometown dates. I’d like to give Robby a shout-out for his sweet Harry Potter tie.

funny bachelorette recap- JoJo

JoJo cries real tears and runs real snot when she says good-bye to sweet baby James. He cries too with all the feels that come with fifth place. She thanks him for being good. He encourages her with the quintessential, “You be you, girl.” And just like that, JT is sent home to start his music career with a few extra thousand followers on social media.

What did you think of this episode? Is Robby a front runner? Is it Jordan’s to lose? Is Luke too intense? Will you ever feel the same way about horses again? Sound off in the comments section!

Photo By: ABC.com

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