Bachelorette JoJo recap: Stop horsing around

Bachelorette JoJo recap: Episode 7

In general, last night’s Bachelorette episode was a Snooze Fest. We all knew Alex and Jimmy T’s heads were on the chopping block. Only their mothers were surprised to see them go. The writing was on the wall last week when JoJo chose to extend Alex’s time in Argentinian paradise one more week because she couldn’t imagine any of her other suitors in full gaucho attire, complete with jaunty beret. With that said, I’m sure Robby could have pulled it off with aplomb.

The episode did have its milestone moments. At one point, my little watching group was rendered speechless. I’m looking at you, Horse Whisperer. In another instance, we protested the actions broadcast before our innocent eyes in a way that rivaled passionate outbursts from seasons of yore.

funny bachelorette recap-tastes like feet

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you follow on Snapchat happen to personally know, sort of know, or is friends with the Rodan+Fields consultant who claims to love Hodor even though she doesn’t watch Game of Thrones…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

Although JoJo’s journey to find love will continue in Argentina, she packs her one tiny Louis Vuitton bag in preparation for her trip to South America’s cowboy country. JoJo pairs my mama’s snap crotch bodysuit and forest green stirrup pants from 1984 with a pair of Robin Hood riding boots. Giddy up.

Harrison walks into the boy’s hotel room oozing confidence. He’s the only one who has yet to conform to the floppy hair ways of this season’s cast. I admire that. Who needs follicle volume when you have a set of baby blues like that guy? Be still my heart.

Where was I?

Our Host lets that guys know that JoJo is going to have three one-on-one dates and one group date this week. Only one rose is up for grabs, and that’s the group date rose. Everyone else will have to suffer through the dates and sweat it out at the rose ceremony.

FIRST ONE-ON-ONE
Alex
“I gaucho on my mind.”

Oh happy day! Everyone cheers the fact that Alex can finally stop complaining about how he has never had a one-on-one. The only person who doesn’t seem elated is JoJo. Is she upset that she lost a thumb war to Alex? Was she irritated that he called the middle hump in the backseat for their ride into the countryside? Whatever the case, she’s clearly not feeling it. Even when Alex puts together two chips to form a duck face, she turns her cheek when he goes in for the kiss. That’s saying something. Who can resist a kiss with the residual crumbs of an original-flavored Pringle? #redflag

Meanwhile, the producers put the other five dudes on an Argentinian version of the Partridge Family bus. Keeping in spirit, the boys bust out with a little family ditty of their own, complete with Chase beat boxing and the others “rapping” about how Alex is probably going home. It was no “Right Reasons (Right Reasons),” but that’s what happens when Soulja Boy isn’t there to help things along. Their rhyming skills were impressive. Also impressive? Robby’s spa slippers.

Back at the estancia, Carlos and Oscar teach JoJo and Alex what it’s like to be a real gaucho. They dress the lovely couple up in traditional garb. For Alex, it’s a starched white shirt and billowy pants complete with kerchief and French beret. For JoJo, it’s suede bell-bottom pants just like all the gaucho-ettes wore back in the 1800s.

JoJo mounts her horse with the grace of a sorority girl during Greek Week. To be fair, her pants were hella tight. Alex reaches for his love so he can hold her hand as they roam the beautiful land. He tells her that she looks like a Ralph Lauren model. She gazes into the sunset and closes her eyes. I can’t tell if she’s really into the serenity of it all or trying to figure out what time it so she can start a mental countdown to ripping the Band-Aid.

Carlos explains that a gaucho has a special bond with his horse. He then asks JoJo and Alex watch a gaucho Horse Whisperer man handle his noble steed into submission before wallowing all over the large beast’s body. JoJo says it was beautiful to watch, which is code for incredible awkward. Carlos invites the love birds to lay down on the horse. I found this odd. “Don’t worry about it, gringos! Think of it as a chaise lounge. With a heartbeat.”

JoJo sinks into the neck of the stallion, matching her breathing with the rhythm of her new horse friend. Alex ruins the moment by leaning over for a kiss. He also confirms that he’s her “goocho.” JoJo sighs and corrects his mispronunciation of the word. Alex doesn’t hear her. He’s too busy falling in love. And staring at her boobs. The producers force them to make out in front of a wicked awesome sunset. It’s clear that JoJo has a bigger connection with the horse than with Alex.

She thanks Alex for being so open and relaxed. He tells her he’s excited to drink it up with her brothers. He tells her that he’s falling in love before dropping four or five “amazings” in one sentence. JoJo stops him in his tracks. She can no longer string Alex along. She confesses that she’s not filling it.

Alex: But today is the best day I’ve had with you!
Lincee: It’s also the only day you’ve had with her. Details.
JoJo: I should be more excited about you telling me you love me. I’m not close to the same page. In fact, I’m thinking about every other person here more than you. Including the horse. And those 17 dogs we saw with their leases tied to a fence.

JoJo tells Alex that she has too much respect for him to make him sit around all week. She places him in the rejection jalopy, willing him not to accidentally fling mud on her oatmeal-colored cashmere poncho. And that’s the last we heard from him. No tears. No outburst. No confession in the jalopy. No celebratory “whoop” from the remaining boys. Nothing. Peace out, Goocho.

SECOND ONE-ON-ONE
Jordan
“Let’s toast to love.”

Jordan shrugs into his nicest maroon T-shirt and workout shorts to prove that he’s not an elitist. Then he rides in a limo to meet JoJo inside a private jet. Once they take off to Mendoza, they make out like she’s laying on a horse.

JoJo’s shredded sweater, denim panties and wishbone necklace are the perfect outfit for stomping grapes in a vineyard. I barely even questioned her decision to hop into Jordan’s barrel to squash along with him. My first shiver came when she took her foot and seductively rubbed grape bits and juicy parts up and down his leg. The shock and awe came when she and Jordan both dipped a wine glass into the foot-funk-infested grape concoction and SLURPED it.

To be clear, this entire exchange took a solid 60 seconds. There was plenty of time for viewers at home to beg both JoJo and Jordan to not partake in the chunky, floating bits of grape skin, seeds, vines, barrel rot and toenail fungus. But they did anyway. Could this be true love?

I’m actually surprised there was a date at all. You know Montezuma’s Revenge made an appearance later that night for sure. However, we do find JoJo and Jordan heading to a lovely dinner. JoJo’s leather skit has a front zipper that leads all the way to her under carriage. They sit down to eat, basking in the memories of travel, vineyards and tasting each other’s foot essence.

JoJo reminds Jordan that the next week his hometown dates. She casually wonders who she will meet? When Jordan doesn’t mention his sports celebrity brother Aaron Rodgers, JoJo is confused. Inquiring minds want to know why?

To quote Facebook: It’s complicated.

Jordan: It’s not ideal, and I love him. I can’t imagine what it’s like to be in his shoes and have the pressure he has and the demands from people he has. I don’t have hard feelings against him. It’s just how things go right now.

JoJo’s face falls. We don’t know if it’s because she was really excited to meet the famed quarterback, or if she’s concerned for her floppy-haired beau. After Jordan tells her he’s loved her since the first impression rose, JoJo assures Jordan that she’s in this.

My friend Murphy from Star 104 in Pennsylvania thinks Jordan is pulling a Slughorn. He thinks this is all a ploy to see if JoJo is a gold digger. When she proves herself worthy, Aaron Rodgers will pop out from behind a wall and offer her the entire Wonka Factory. I think this is solid theology.

Speaking of walls, Jordan totally redeemed himself from his up-against-the-partition kiss from a few weeks ago. Although it wasn’t Arie-worthy, it was definitely better than before. He’s clearly reading this blog and learning to mend his ways. As long as she doesn’t fall down the stairwell, I give this one a solid B+ grade.

GROUP DATE
Chase, JT, Robby
“Let Our Love Soar”

Apparently whatever JoJo had planned for this particular group date was totally ruined by rain. She calls an audible and decides that they are going to spend the day hanging out in her hotel room playing slumber party games. Ten bucks says JT freezes Robby’s bra.

JoJo entices the boys with plates and plates of greasy foods. JT shoves 25 French fries in his mouth. JoJo finds this hilarious. Robby and Chase sit back and watch as JT digs his own grave. They enjoy a massage train, a game of Pictionary and Head’s Up before JoJo dares Robby to strip down to his undies and run down the hall.

Robby pretends to be embarrassed. Let me remind you that his profile reads “former competitive swimmer” under occupation. The guy has no problem displaying his junk. I appreciate that he used his camera time to apologize to his grandma, but come on. He probably lived in a Speedo for the better part of a decade.

JT takes a look at Robby’s abs and decides he needs to sabotage our favorite spa slipper wearing suitor. He talks on and on and on about how Robby has a wandering eye. The fact that JT continues to bring it up, and that he lays across him and JoJo like they were gaucho horses annoys the crap out of Robby.

Robby decides to take JoJo away to profess his love. He also admits that his ex-girlfriend of three years has only been an “ex” for four and a half months. This information rattles JoJo. The word REBOUND flashes before her eyes. Robby assures her he has faith in what they have and that their three-week relationship is way stronger than the three years he spent with old what’s her name.

Chase does the same thing in his alone time. He doesn’t use the words “falling” or “love,” but JoJo totally understands that he’s saying it without saying it. It’s between like and love. It’s loke.

After the French fry incident, JT lands himself squarely in the Friend Zone. He dreams about JoJo meeting his family, but we all know that ain’t gonna happen.

It will happen for Robby because JoJo gives the date rose to his abs. They share a romantic make out sesh in the lightning. Kudos to the self-proclaimed front runner.

FINAL ONE-ON-ONE
Luke

The producers bestow the rancher from Texas a bit of an edge by giving him the horse riding/clay shooting date. Luke would like for me to inform you that no horses were ridden upside down or lounged upon during his time with JoJo.

Luke rambles up to the gauchos in tight black pants and a denim shirt. My friends Connie, Emily and Stephanie all commented that this exact outfit has been one of their Bitmoji outfits on numerous occasions. JoJo’s shirt was held together by safety pins. Perhaps she ripped it mounting her pony?

Luke teaches JoJo how to ride a horse. He kills two clay pigeons before walking her through the proper way to handle a shot gun. Yes, please. When she hits a clay pigeon, she mounts him like the Horse Whisperer taught her.

JoJo is attracted to seeing Luke in his environment. She’s also pumped that he too doesn’t know what’s around the corner in the future, but he wants to figure it out. With JoJo by his side. Luke gives her an intense look before kissing her passionately in the barn.

ROSE CEREMONY
JoJo doesn’t need a cocktail party to drag out the inevitability of JT’s exit from Argentinian paradise. All she needs is a structure that looks like the Alamo and three boutonnieres. Luke, Jordan, Chase and Robby have all scored hometown dates. I’d like to give Robby a shout-out for his sweet Harry Potter tie.

funny bachelorette recap- JoJo

JoJo cries real tears and runs real snot when she says good-bye to sweet baby James. He cries too with all the feels that come with fifth place. She thanks him for being good. He encourages her with the quintessential, “You be you, girl.” And just like that, JT is sent home to start his music career with a few extra thousand followers on social media.

What did you think of this episode? Is Robby a front runner? Is it Jordan’s to lose? Is Luke too intense? Will you ever feel the same way about horses again? Sound off in the comments section!

Photo By: ABC.com

Comments

189 Comments on "Bachelorette JoJo recap: Stop horsing around"

avatar
Margo
Margo

I’m feeling the horses embarrassment. . .along with the women of America. I think she is into Jordan AND his bro.

Lincee

Good point Margo!

Heather
Heather

I thought the most awkward part was when Chris Harrison walked in and asked the guys how they were and Alex went into a diatribe about how he was feeling. I was like “Dude – he always says that. You’re not really supposed to answer him with exactly how you’re feeling!” So glad Alex is gone. Such a child!

Lindsay
Lindsay

Hahaha…this made me laugh because I din’t even think about it in the moment, but thinking back, that was so awkward!

Lincee

That is a great point! So true!

Anita
Anita

Poor Alex, Afflicted so severely with Short Man’s Disease. That thing with the horse though…All my thoughts were “No. NO. NO NONONONONONO!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING??!?!?! The look on her face when Jordan confessed to NOT getting along with his brother…man…

Amanda
Amanda

Huge red flag. Jealous brother syndrome?

Lindsay
Lindsay

As my sister pointed out, maybe Jojo’s disappointment there came from aspirations to be friends with Olivia Munn and live that Hollywood life.

Lincee

Something will definitely go down this next week FOR SURE.

Karen
Karen

In that moment, I felt like I could so clearly see her visions of the luxury box at the Super Bowl vanishing before her eyes.

Molly
Molly

Lincee – I love you, but that is NOT a Gryffindor tie. Robby is a proud Florida State alumni (and former competitive swimmer) – that tie is ALL Noles! >>———-;;>

Lori in Tampa
Lori in Tampa

Love it, Molly! Go ‘Noles!

Amanda
Amanda

Actually he’s a Cyclone fan!!!

Lincee

Muggles…

Laura
Laura

good one! (:

Amanda

I like JoJo better now, because she is apparently an animal person. She seems to be drawn to every animal that comes on set, and I respect that. And it gave her something other than Alex to focus on during their date.

Donnaloo

I noticed that too! I think she has been drawn to some of the local pups more that her dates.

Lincee

Yes! She’s an animal lover for sure. And they seem to love her too.

Kelli
Kelli

There were several cringe worthy moments. As Heather said, when OHCH asked how the guys were and Alex didn’t understand it was a RHETORICAL question. Then the incredibly awkward ride to the Estancio with Alex. Jojo would be sitting on the roof of that car if she could. Alex has absolutely NO self awareness. And the horse. The horse has more self awareness, but that whole thing was just bizarre.

And I kind of think Robbie and Jordan are both d-bags.

I know it is too soon, but is the new Bachelor going to be Chase or James Taylor?

Babs
Babs

Please not James Taylor! He’s not attractive which I could live with if he didn’t have questionable reasons for being there and if he had not really sank to new lows trying to throw his “friends ” under the bus whenever he started feeling insecure.

Donnaloo

Totally agree!

Donnaloo

Babs^^

Sara
Sara

BRING BACK JARED

April

Me too! But I think Luke is going to be the next bachelor, if he doesn’t win. While I like Chase, he just hasn’t been getting the “next bachelor” edit, and JT is just not that charismatic.

Donna
Donna

I vote for Chase for next bachelor! The beat boxing did it. Does he remind anyone else of James Denton? I cannot look at Robby’s BIG BOY hair for an entire season.

Allia
Allia

Noooo not Chase. He is ok, but a little too smug. I’m not remotely interested in watching a season of him, or ANY of these guys for that matter.

Pia
Pia

The new bachelor should be the horse.

Lincee

I think it will be Luke!

Laci
Laci

None of these guys would make good bachelors. I say bring back Ben Z. From Kaitlyn’s season!!!

Emily
Emily

Wells!

Deebee
Deebee

Jojo must be a good actress because I cannot imagine kissing someone I have no interest in or attraction to.

Erin
Erin

Noticed in the promos for next week that Jordan’s brother has the same floppy haircut. Is it wrong to desperately hope his mother has it as well?

baseballmama
baseballmama

haha, now I am going to have that image stuck in my head.

Ellen
Ellen

LOL!!!!!

April

LOL!!

ricksterb

It’s only wrong to hope that the whole family … all the way down to the cat and the hamster … has the same floppy haircut. And mama puts a floppy haired stick family on the back of her SUV.

D_in_MN
D_in_MN

Erin, hilarious!

Ali
Ali

Nope, not at all. I hope the same.

Lincee

That isn’t wrong at all Erin!

DeeDee
DeeDee

How could it be wrong when it feels so right??? 😉

Cindy S.
Cindy S.

The entire foot fungus recap was HYSTERICAL!! That was SO gross.

Lincee

DISGUSTING!

OKCBecky

I’m a fan of Luke or Chase — but think it will wind up being one of the posers — Jordan or Robby…. just sayin’

Lincee

I think Jordan will win some days and Luke on other days. I have no clue.

Lorraine N
Lorraine N

I don’t think she’s all that in to any of them.

Kay
Kay

Those are my thoughts Lorraine. I think she’s just going through the motions and trying to get in as much kissing as she can. She’s a handsy little gal, that’s for sure.

Courtney
Courtney

The more drunk Robby got on the group date, the more he looked like Matthew McConaughey…

Lincee

I don’t see it. I see the Ken doll from Toy Story.

Lorraine N
Lorraine N

YES!!! Robby is Toy Story Ken

KCT
KCT

LOL Now THAT is why I recognized him! Too funny!

Babs
Babs

I just saw that Jordan got a sports media gig , that speaks volumes. Loved the recap! I am not really liking any of the remaining guys, can we hope for Wells or Derek as the new bachelor?

Dianne
Dianne

Yes Wells is funny and pretty normal but not sure he can handle that many women in his entire lifetime. I thought Derek might win. Not sure why she didn’t connect to him. Robby is my least favorite. Gives me the creeps. I hate overconfidence.

Deebee
Deebee

Robby gives me the creeps too. I find him real sleazy.

Eh?
Eh?

Ha! That’s probably true about Wells, Dianne and yeah, the nicest word to describe Robbie is smug. I would hate to watch him leering at all those women weeks on end. (So he’s not gay.)

Lincee

He did get a gig. Sounds like he’ll be on TV for longer than 15 minutes once this show is done!

Tara Lawrence-Stuart
Tara Lawrence-Stuart

Yes, Derek…..maybe Roberto…

LegallyBlondeMommy
LegallyBlondeMommy

<—– Still laughing. I thought the same thing about Robby's tie, and shouted "Go Gryffindor!" at my TV. I also didn't understand Luke's shirt on his one-on-one – he unbuttoned it lower than most women would to show their cleavage. Robby really rubs me the wrong way. He always seemed so fake, and his faux modesty and self-delusion that he's ready to get engaged to another woman after breaking off a 3-year-long relationship confirmed that. #majorredflag, Jojo!
I don't think Jojo's exactly made it a secret that Luke and Jordan are her top two. Jordan also strikes me as fake, and he seems to have some dormant anger issues simmering below the surface. So I guess I'm rooting for Luke, then!
Poor JT and the French fry mouth…
My stomach is still churning after the foot funk grape juice incident. SO GROSS! Anyone else think about how Jojo's mom reacted to that?

Eh?
Eh?

The question is; would she drink Luke’s toe juice?

Lincee

I think she would be down with drinking the foot funk.

baseballmama
baseballmama

Goodbye tiny Jim Edmonds. (only Cardinal fans will get that) I noticed that JoJos voice is all breathy when she is around Jordan, and one other one. I think it was one on the group date. I don’t think she is hiding her favorites too well.

Ann

Ha, I like that word, breathy! I’ve never heard it put like that. I’m gonna start using that.

Lincee

I agree. It’s Jordan and Luke for sure!

Wendy
Wendy

I found it a little odd that she was concerned about Robby’s relationship ending 4 months ago on account of, you know, Ben. I feel like we need a combo name for the one man split into four bodies that she has kept:
Lukanchasby?
That’s just off the top of my head. I think we can do better. I’m thinking Luke for the win, but I have been wrong before. Gun to my head, I would choose Chase, but I think it’s Luke’s to lose. At least I think that’s what I think. I’m not always sure I am keeping everyone straight. Perhaps ABC could institute some sort of uniform required for each bachelor? Perhaps a talisman or visible tattoo? At least that way I could use a chart system to keep up.

And the horse. Oh my word the horse.

white

totally 4 guys split into one! she obviously has a type..

DeeDee
DeeDee

Did you see on the internet where someone morphed a bunch of the Bachelorette guys’ faces into one man? It was pretty funny. https://www.buzzfeed.com/jenlewis/bachelorette-face-morph?utm_term=.didngjEV#.laQ3M1dB

Watch cuz I like this blog
Watch cuz I like this blog

Haha….that’s a good one. Thanks for sharing that. Can you imagine if they morphed their personalities( or lack of) or their temperament instead f their looks!

DeeDee
DeeDee

Haha! I shudder to think what THAT might be like. 😀

Babs
Babs

I’d be concerned about a relationship that just ended considering how long it was. That’s a huge red flag to me. Several of these guys had really long relationships until just a couple of months before the show and it takes that long to cast, so basically it seems like they dumped girls to go on the show.

SeaJay

Did you see Chad’s post on Instagram, making out with Hope, Robbie’s ex? Then he flew out to make out with Grant’s recent ex. Pwned!

Lincee

I loved every word of this comment. Thanks Wendy!

abby
abby

how are we feeling about chase now? i see a few comments already about how people still like him, so i wanted to see who else agrees with me…he WAS great on his first one-on-one, but since then, he has gone downhill and seems like an arrogant mean girl sometimes. they don’t really highlight it or center the drama around it, but if you actually listens to the things he says to other guys or in his interviews sometimes, he is kind of a jerk. did anyone else notice that?? who on earth will they choose for the next bach? i vote wells, but he got voted off the island too early to be considered, i’m sure…

LegallyBlondeMommy
LegallyBlondeMommy

Definitey Wells!!!

Tammi
Tammi

Wells is supposedly dating Carly

Babs
Babs

I don’t think he and Carly are actually dating they just live in the same city and hung out is what I heard. Besides I thought Carly was on BIP again?

Sara
Sara

I totally get what you are saying. I think to me he’s just the lesser of the 4 evils… I really can’t say that I like him though.
After Wells left the mix, all my hopes for this season died.

Lincee

I bet we have to wait until After Paradise to learn who gets to be the next one.

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