Bachelorette JoJo recap: Episode 9

Ladies and gentlemen, this is a hijacking.

You may know that dear Lincee is in Africa serving her heart out, and you likely love her for it (we all do).  But what about the American reality TV happening back home?  What about us who spend hours of our Monday evenings glued to ABC simply so we can fully anticipate and appreciate the Tuesday recap?  We have needs, y’all.

Fortunately, Lincee left behind most of her Bachelor/ette watch party and we are committed to this cause.  We must make fun of each ridiculous outfit and each awkward forego moment in her absence.  It’s what she would want.

So friends, we invite you into Emily’s living room where we gather ritualistically each Monday. We eat Starburst jelly beans while we watch The Show and enjoy the antics of Phoebe the Basset Hound.  It’s not quite the same without Lincee, but if we all band together we can survive.  We share with you today the moments when we screamed, gasped and cushion-hid last night…but we are insufficient without our leader.  Help us by adding all the things you thought in your head but didn’t want to say out loud.  This is a safe space with NO SPOILERS, PLEASE!  Together we WILL get through this – and rest assured Lincee will be back next week!

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you follow on Snapchat happen to personally know, sort of know, or is friends with the Rodan+Fields consultant who claims to love Hodor even though she doesn’t watch Game of Thrones…none of this is personal and we’re sure they are all lovely people.

ROSE CEREMONY #1
The 3 boys adjust their pocket squares as the episode opens, and we all marvel at Jojo’s ability to do squats in that mermaid dress. How many ABC interns did it take to help her up from her position on the runway? Back at the travel-themed rose ceremony, Robby is nervous, Luke is relieved he finally said the L-word, Jordan is confident, and Chase is… well, somewhat normal. Harrison says it’s time, and Jojo pulls the plug on Luke.

Peace out, Luke. We miss you already too. Next time use your words.

The group jumps in one of the decorative planes from the rose ceremony and we find ourselves in Thailand looking for clarity in all the wrong places. Jojo strolls the beach in her classic tightie whities and we wonder if we’ve unknowingly changed the channel to Sisterhood of the Traveling White Denim Panties? There are 6 outfit changes in the first two minutes of Joj’s pensive Thailand montage – sweat-induced? Or is she working on her portfolio?

ROBBY’S DATE
Robby and Jojo stroll through a Thai market, sticking out like sore thumbs as they taste food and make out. The couple lands in a little booth with massage chairs.  Robby is caught off guard by Jojo’s mention of a Thai massage. In Thailand. Was he expecting something Swedish? When in Rome, Robster. He finally embraces the spa day, and we suspect we may have glimpsed a weekly activity in Jojo’s future.

Having taken note of Jojo’s affinity for all things tight and white, Robby finds the long version of Jojo’s denim panties to wear to dinner.  As they rehash last week’s Florida hometown, Robby presents a note from his dad encouraging them to ignore the drama and follow their hearts.  The note is Jojo’s to keep.  She mentally adds Hobby Lobby to her errand list – surely this is a framer.

When the inevitable forego card shows up, we all roll our eyes.  Thanks for reading it out loud, but we all have the text memorized.  Let’s change those bad boys up a bit or maybe just wave it in front of the camera and wink?  Jennifer and Rena from Facebook feel our pain:

We take note of how the slit in Jojo’s dress reminds us of the Red Sea parting, roll our eyes again as she disappears for her overnight with the Ken doll, then gag when he comments he “no longer has to dream about Jojo he gets to dream with her.”  He says he hopes he wakes up tomorrow… we hope that too, buddy.

The next scene finds them giggling and eating their breakfast in a sea of white sheets that accentuates their matching tans.  Kudos to our bachelorette for her attempt at the messy “I just woke up” hair, but we KNOW she did not sleep with that huge clip in her hair.

Why are Jojo’s shoes on the bedside table instead of on the floor?  Why does she have to be the one to do the walk of shame?  And where did she get that extra set of clothes?

We don’t know the answers, but we know we have one fantasy suite under our belts.  On to the next!

JORDAN’S DATE
Jojo walks the beach channeling her inner sporty spice with her 90’s halter top and choker as Jordan runs toward her Baywatch-style. We conclude the chambray shirt wrapped around her waist must be covering her black box areas for the upcoming camera angles on their hike.

When they approach the temple, Jojo informs us that the shirt is to cover her shoulders in this sacred area. Aha! Dual purpose! However, we wonder why she didn’t have to wear something that covered a little more of her sacred area?

Fear and uncertainty are driving this date. Joj asks many questions, all beginning with “What if?” and “How do you know?” and Jordan responds with loads of ambiguity and chachery. He “has a feeling” and we vow to sign him and Luke up for the same seminar on using words. We determine that Jojo is trying to make “That’s What Ben Said” a thing. Sister, he was a contestant last season. Let him go!

Forego card #2 arrives and we take note of Jojo’s creative halter top and inkblot skirt as the two slink into their fantasy suite.

The next morning, Jojo announces they’re having their first (of many?) breakfasts together and we rewind the DVR three times trying to tell if Jordan’s grey yoga pants are from Lululemon. Maybe the ABC intern swapped their overnight bags? Jo abandons an ambiguous Jordan to walk the beach in her camo jumper and muse about whether she could be falling in love with three men, all the while vowing not to say too much too soon (that’s what Ben did).

CHASE’S DATE
Chase and Jojo cruise Thailand in a little red boat, sweaty and smelling of fish. We take note of pair #3 of Jojo’s white denim panties… do these things have the days of the week written on them?

Jojo misses most of the scenery on their ride because she’s busy making out and telling Chase that his lips/tongue help her to forget how hot it is. We debate whether that’s a compliment. She then comes up for air long enough to interact with a monkey and to tell us monkeys are like humans. Following that biology lesson, they proceed to demonstrate ALL THE JUMP AND STRADDLES (trademark pending).

Chase gives Jojo a piggy-back ride off the boat, (reverse jump and straddle), followed by front-to-front makeout sesh (seated jump and straddle) and finish with him carrying her through the ocean (swimming jump and straddle). We hold up our scorecards for each move and make a note to have Lincee follow up with her trademark lawyer. This thing is catching on.

While Jojo is changing out of one sweaty outfit and into another, she gets a surprise visit from Robby who says “hi” and “I miss you” over and over. He says he’s ready to be her husband and for “country clubs and coloring books.” She mentions that she’s “literally in the middle of another date” as she kisses him and giggles.

Chase and Jojo hit “unpause” on their date and enjoy dinner together. Jojo compliments Chase on being playful and Chase looks sunburned and exhausted. He communicates like a champ and defines what love is using real words, excusing him from the aforementioned seminar.

Chase is 100% in love with Jojo. We are 100% in love with Chase.

Giggling as he reads the forego card, Chase looks forward to a full night with Jojo – no distractions. In the suite, Jojo pushes him until he says “I love you” just to see how her feelings respond. She says “thank you” and has a mini panic attack, repeating her squat exercises from the earlier “crouching mermaid” moment.

We applaud Jojo for sorting through her feelings and letting Chase know she isn’t in the same place he is prior to forgoing. She drops the bomb and is met with ACTUAL CRICKETS. Jojo ugly cries and Chase vents about her rewarding his vulnerability with rejection. She drags out the goodbye and then chases him out the door, clearly hoping for a different reaction (although we aren’t sure what). He finally leaves; we all breathe a sigh of relief. And follow him on Instagram.

ROSE CEREMONY #2
Jordan and Robby arrive wearing identical short pants and flipflops. We’re excited for all of the rose ceremony with none of the awkward – 2 roses, 2 dudes. Let’s get this waste of five minutes over with!

And then… Chase. He’s back to hijack the rose ceremony, just like we hijacked this blog post. Turns out his rejection limo just went around the block and dropped him back off to crash the rose ceremony! We note that he didn’t dress like the other fellas (full-length pants, shoes, belt) – and note that we agree with Hey Ya’ll. They must take you off the “what to wear” group text when you get canned.

@Lincee I guess once you get kicked off you get left off the “wear skinny ankle pants to the Rose ceremony” memos. #Bachelorette

— Hey Ya’ll (@MissNYCyall) July 26, 2016

After expressing himself with extreme class and maturity, Chase makes his final exit trailed by a souvenir monkey from his final date with Jojo. We swear we can hear the Backstreet Boys singing “Tell me why-eee” in the background. Is this all a ploy to be the next Bachelor?

The unnecessary rose ceremony proceeds. Roses are awkwardly handed out to Jordan and then Robby. We get bored and start talking about how we can’t wait to see Jojo’s mom again next week.

Also, we’d like to send a very special birthday shout-out to Our Host Chris Harrison.  Thanks for brightening every week with your manly scents and rugged handsomeness.

Our Host Chris Harrison from Lincee Ray on Vimeo.

We can’t wait to hear what you all thought!  Since we need your comments more than ever, and since it’s a special week here in IHGB land, we want you to know that $1 will be donated to Arise Africa for each comment on this week’s recap.  Sound off for a great cause!