Bachelorette JoJo recap: Beware of the plastics

Bachelorette JoJo Recap: Episode 5:

It never occurred to me that The Chad’s absence would create a big hole in the drama department on our favorite show. At first I had high hopes that he would throw a punch after discovering his roommates sprinkle precious grains of protein powder at a memorial service on his behalf. That didn’t happen. I also expected a chainsaw or some blood with all the creepy whistling and window scratching. Unfortunately, Chad was just Chad. He both arrived and left as a jack wagon, refusing to apologize to the dudes and blatantly ignoring E.D.’s repeated request for a new shirt. With one twirl, The Chad was gone.

Alex, on the other hand, receives a hero’s welcome home from his date with JoJo. The boys hoist him onto their shoulders, shouting “RUDY! RUDY! RUDY!” Then they smash a platter full of perfectly good cupcakes into his face before starting a fire with sparklers.

Just when you think they are all bros and love each other, Fleiss jukes in another direction. RELEASE THE MEAN BOYS!

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you follow on Snapchat happen to personally know, sort of know, or is friends with the Rodan+Fields consultant who claims to love Hodor even though she doesn’t watch Game of Thrones…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

JoJo arrives at the rose ceremony wearing a gown designed from the silver section in Kendra Scott’s color palate. Chase immediately whisks her away and shoves her into one of the human-size plastic hamster balls so they can knock each other down. Odd. Robby makes out with her in front of a fountain. Also odd. James F. reads her a poem. Sort of sweet. Luke spreads it on thick by admitting that the has feelings for her before sticking his tongue down her throat. Classic Luke.

But it’s Jordan who leads her around the random wall that stands in the middle of the room where the dudes are stationed for the cocktail party. He tries to pull the move of all moves — gently nudging her against a wall for a spontaneous make out session. Unfortunately, he botches the delivery. The wall was a little too far away. As a result, he has to shove Joj a few times before she is backed against it. She also has to negotiate the train of her Kendra Scott dress. Did JoJo like this aggressive move? Did the other dudes hear smacking? Could lack of depth perception be a contributor to Jordan’s failed football career? We may never know. What we do know is that this is how it’s done:

Thank you, YouTube, for being so awesome.

Luke, Alex and Jordan already have roses. They are joined by Jim “Derek” Halpert, Robby, Chase, Wells, Grant, Vinny and James Taylor. JoJo picks up the final rose and through literal dry heaves, she calls E.D.’s name one last time. Damn Daniel and the other James are sent home. James cries. Damn Daniel calls him a hoser before asking him to split a Tim Horton at the airport.

JoJo announces that the next part of their journey is going to be international. The ABC graphics department is back with a handy digital map that uses dotted lines to help us understand how the cast will get from Pennsylvania to Uruguay. Someone get Vinny a passport because we’re going to South America!

First One-On-One
Jordan
“Let’s Seal the Deal”

Believe it or not, this is Jordan’s first one-on-one date. JoJo wears a cold shoulder blouse and denim panties for the special occasion. She greets him with a jump and straddle (trademark pending) and they spend the day swimming with seals in extremely dirty water. JoJo is totally cool about it. She’ll take a seal over a pig any day.

While JoJo watches Jordan’s hair flop in the breeze, Vinny opens up a makeshift barbershop (one word) in the hotel. I’m sorry to see that he is not chopping off E.D.’s limp bangs. Instead, he’s trimming Alex up as the ABC Intern places a completely illegal yet totally visible InTouch Magazine on the table, conveniently opened to the page where JoJo’s ex-boyfriend Chad claims they had a thing going on the entire time she was seeing Ben. Alex dumps this information into his pot and begins to stir it.

Meanwhile, JoJo does a little stirring of her own. As luck would have it, she just happened to meet one of Jordan’s old girlfriends and that girl just happened to mention that Jordan was a crap boyfriend. I guess JoJo ran into this chick between seal swimming and dinner? Details.

Jordan fidgets, takes a sip of bourbon and proceeds to try and explain himself out of this sticky situation. He blames the failed relationship and his unfortunate behavior on sports (?), claims he did not cheat on her and tells a story about how his pastor said to never say you love someone unless you’re willing to put a ring on it. In other words: Don’t worry. Beyoncé.

JoJo remains skeptical. She reminds Jordan that earlier he said he was “falling” for her, but now he’s “falling in love.” What gives? Jordan is confident and comfortable in their relationship. This makes her smile and lean in for a kiss. He grabs her around the waist, just south of her cold ribs. Then they dance with a makeshift carnival troupe in the street. She’s blissfully happy that her former footballer is totally and completely in love with her.

Naturally the producers show her the InTouch Magazine at this precise moment. They warn her that “her guys” have all seen the article and they aren’t happy. JoJo cries invisible tears for several minutes before declaring her hatred for Chad. She pulls on a calf-length sweater because her ribs are so cold. Who cares about shoes? She must confront her guys and explain that everything Chad said in the article is a fabrication.

She stumbles into the room and plops down between James Taylor and Robby. She laments that she’s there for the right reasons (right reasons) and that her love for Ben was true and real. Robby finally puts a comforting hand on her shoulder as Alex affirms that all Chads are dill holes. No one walks her back to her hotel room. They just serenade the opportunity (with JT on the guitar) and wave as it passes them by. Did they learn nothing from Nick last season?

Group Date
Luke, Derek, Chase, E.D, James, Vinny, Grant, Wells, Alex
“I Can’t Sand To Be Away From You”

JoJo stands beyond the thunderdome, beckoning the boys to come sand surfing with her. E.D. contemplates another nose bleed as he watches most of the other suitors bite it. James Taylor manages to not break any major bones while JoJo screams, “We don’t need another hero! I’m so scared!” Wells actually coasts down the hill for the most part before it begins to rain and the group is forced to start their cocktail party earlier than usual.

Luke is the first one to grab JoJo for some alone time. I’m unsure if he ripped the knees of his nice black pants or if he purchased them with pre-rippage. The bottom line is that his pants make me sad. JoJo doesn’t seem to mind his cold knees. Things are heating up with them in other ways.

Luke isn’t the only one getting some lip action. James Taylor receives a kiss too, but it’s more of a peck variety. He’s going to have to try harder than that, but he is doing better than Wells. There’s way too much space between them on the couch for anything interesting to happen. Poor Derek has a serious case of the sweats during his time with JoJo. He confesses that it’s hard for him to be in the house with all these other dudes. JoJo asks him to try and be vulnerable. They share a salty kiss and head back to the group.

Alex uses his time to ramble on about text messages and playing emotional games. She leans in for a kiss to shut him up. He’s really annoyed when JoJo hands the date rose to “someone who needs validation” before pinning the bud on Derek’s lapel. All of a sudden, Alex is pissed at Big Tuna for some reason.

Second One-On-One
Robby
“Love is Within Our Reach”

After playing hide-n-seek with a local dog, JoJo runs into the perfectly coiffed arms of Robby. She’s wearing a sweater over a bikini top and white denim panties. It’s the perfect outfit for cliff diving. Robby strips down, uncovering his brightly-colored Jams and silky smooth, yet perfectly abtastic torso. They assess the situation, unsure if they believe that the ABC Intern really did survive this daunting jump mere minutes before they arrived.

JoJo and Robby adjust their aqua socks, take a deep breath and launch into the choppy waters below. JoJo is thankful that Robby is an Olympic swimmer because rocky cliffs in South American oceans are the exact same as the big swimming pool at the Jacksonville Aquatic Center. Hooray for surviving the jump! Now let’s figure out how to scale back up the deadly rocks to civilization.

Over at the hacienda, Chase and Alex bombard Derek with questions about his time with JoJo during the group date. They want to know why he needed reassurance? Why was JoJo so concerned about his well-being? Is the rumor true? Did his dad invent Toaster Strudels? Derek rolls his eyes.

Back at the date, JoJo goes with a cold sternum dress and completely ignores her steak while Robby shares a tragic story about how his best friend died in a car accident. He’s able to tell the entire story without being distracted by JoJo’s ginormous statement ring. Robby broke up with his girlfriend and decided that life is too short to just sit around. Gravity takes you were it goes and so does love, by golly. He’s falling in love with JoJo and she needs to know it!

She thanks him, wipes away a few fake tears and cues the fireworks.

ROSE CEREMONY

Derek unwisely lets the stress of the journey get to him and calls an emergency meeting with Robby, Chase, Alex and Jordan. He asks them all to please stop acting like a high school clique. Jordan laughs because Derek is being the opposite of fetch. Chase tells him that it’s not their fault they are so popular before Alex warns him that he’s just committed social suicide. Before they leave, Robby reminds Halpert that on Wednesdays, they wear pink.

Our Host Chris Harrison walks in to tell the guys that JoJo isn’t in any mood to have a cocktail party. She knows who she’s going to dump and she’s going to have a cold waist and cold left leg while doing it. E.D., Grant and Vinny are all sent home. All three cry huge tears. E.D. feels he will never find love again. Grant’s breakdown is manly in a firefighter sort of way. And Vinny appears overtired. Or he’s really, really upset that he’s not going to Argentina with the rest of the group.

What did y’all think? Is Jordan still a front-runner even though he’s affiliated with Regina George? Are you sick of Alex yet? Does Luke have a personality? Who’s your favorite? Sound off in the comments section!

Comments

180 Comments on "Bachelorette JoJo recap: Beware of the plastics"

avatar
Sort by:   newest | oldest
OKCBecky

Yes, I’m sick of Alex….

Kari K
Kari K

Me too. He reminds me of a little Chihuahua with giant eyes who constantly has to have your attention. Actually, he also reminds me of a guy I dated for a while years ago who was super needy. He needed to go. LOL!

Bananas in Pajamas
Bananas in Pajamas

I have felt since he got that rose on the date and E.D. got the rose on his group date that they felt like pity roses. That there wasn’t true chemistry. Both of their days were numbered.

Petls
Petls

Also sick of Alex

Dorothy Mantooth.
Dorothy Mantooth.

Alex really is Regina George. He feels so empowered because he “beat” Chad on the two-on-one and was validated by Joj in the process. He thinks he is really fetch. But, he, like Gretchen Weiners, is not going to make fetch happen. I don’t know, I feel like I have ESPN or something but I think he’s going to be gone soon.. At least I hope so. Derek probably should not have confronted the group they way he did, but I have no patience for the Mean Boys, especially Alex. Ick.

Love all your “cold body part” references lol! She really does give you a lot to work with. Yet another brilliant recap!

Kristin
Kristin

Your Mean Girls paragraph is awesome and hilarious too!

Zai

I liked Alex until this episode. No one trash talks Big Tuna!! I’m convinced she kept him another round because the producers told her to. They don’t seem to have much chemistry at all. Great recap, Lincee!

Skylar
Skylar

Yes!!!!!!!!!

Monatomic
Monatomic

EXACTLY! I hate Alex for instigating this meanie group!

Beth
Beth

Alex needs to go. He’s a complete jerk and is the one who starts all the drama in the house. He’s an ass. I think James Taylor and Wells are gone next week, which stinks because they are my favorite two. They seem to be in the friend zone. There’s something super creepy about Luke. I can’t put my finger on it, but I get major red flag warning when he’s around!

votemom
votemom

agree about luke.

Karen
Karen

Everything you said. You reached down my throat and pulled the words right out!!

Rperry
Rperry

I’m secretly in love with both JT and Wells, but agree they are in the friends zone. Too bad!

Babs
Babs

I totally agree about Luke and personally I don’t get all the hoopla about his looks? He does absolutely nothing for me.

Karen
Karen

Is it just me or is anyone else bothered by the way Luke talks?!? It irks me to the point of completely tuning out, which says a lot for the very low standards I already have for this show….

Yank
Yank

He kinda reminds me of Raylan Givens from the TV show Justified. Cool, quiet, slightly aloof.

Aimee

Agree! My mom and I had a huge conversation about Luke this morning. At first I liked him but now I think that there is something off – or maybe just no chemistry between them? I don’t know and his hair is just too perfect/high for me! 🙂

Cindy S.
Cindy S.

Yes! Luke has that poof thing going. What’s he going to do when the poof gets wet??

Deebee
Deebee

I like Luke but feel he is too intense and mature for Jo Jo.

Amy Calvo
Amy Calvo

Luke gives me the creeps. Like he should be on the registry. Something completely off about him, I think its his eyes. The way he kisses her and cups her face…ugh!!! He isn’t even good looking. And those ripped jeans??? Really, who is dressing these guys!!!

Vanessa
Vanessa

The creep factor about Luke is that he LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE WILLEM DAFOE.

KnitWhit
KnitWhit

I have said that from the beginning!! Its super creepy!

Yank
Yank

JoWas thinking he looks like Timothy Olyphant….but I can totally see Willem as well.

Yank
Yank

Geez…really should proof-read before I hit post. I meant “I” was thinking he looked like…….

Meg

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kay
Kay

I think Luke looks like Vanilla Ice.

Defp
Defp

Lol! Yes!

DRP
DRP

Lincee,
I love your remarks about JoJo’s attire: the woman certainly enjoys uncovering various body parts, though she always looks great.

But you skipped the best one-one-one date ever! Jordan and Robby enjoying a spa day while the others were group dating was hilarious. The “metro” guys are quite different from rugged Luke, but I think all three will end up on Fantasy Suite dates.

DRP
DRP

* one-on-one date

Norma
Norma

The spa date was hilarious!!! and Jordan kept taking bites of the cucumber and putting it back on his eye. I was on the floor laughing at that!

Denise
Denise

YES! That was hilarious! Loved the cucumber eating!!

heather

YES!!!! That spa date was EPIC!

DeeDee
DeeDee

Agree! That spa date=Too funny!!! I was cracking up.

Dara

E.D.’s limp bangs!!! Dying. I haven’t even finished reading yet but that’s hilar. The dynamic between the dudes was cracking me up last night – she spa day, Luke’s side-boob. If nothing else they have a sense of humor and don’t take themselves too seriously.

Kristin
Kristin

Ha! I didn’t catch that my first read-through. So funny!

Meg

Okay, gross limp bangs aside…did NOBODY notice how ED said that their hotel room had 360 views of the ocean?…that could only be possible if the hotel was in the ocean…

Steph
Steph

Yes, Meg!! I was looking for a bit to see if, by chance, it was in the Ocean. But alas, ED was not likely not so good with geometry.

Cindy S.
Cindy S.

‘Could lack of depth perception be a contributor to Jordan’s failed football career?’ HAHAHA YES!!

Did anyone else notice that when they were showing the recap of JoJo ditching Chad that there was an extra line thrown in that we did NOT see in the previous episode? She ended her speech with Chad with something like ‘and no one deserves someone like you…and with that being said’ and gives the rose to Alex the Cry-Baby. I went back to the previous episode and they didn’t show that line. They showed Chad’s face, she was talking about his using threats and then ‘with that being said’…They totally changed the scene. Big surprise.

Alex must be really insecure to continually need someone to pick on.

Yes I also noticed the invisible tears that JoJo was crying when they showed her the article.

Kay
Kay

Yes, I heard that! Could that have been simply edited in? Surely it would have earned her a “physical reaction” from Chadbruiser!

votemom
votemom

go home alex. i feel like sending vinny home was a mistake. so glad erectile evan is no more!

Wendy Willingham
Wendy Willingham

Alex is the new Felicia. As in Bye. Love Big Tuna. Not a fan of Luke. Chase just got caught up in the excitement of learning the dance to Jingle Bell Rock since all he’s accomplished is making Jordan’s face smell like a foot. Or maybe he didn’t get as many candy canes as Glen Coco. Or maybe he just wants to wear his really gorgeous white gold hoops. Who knows. I still hope Chase might get hit by a school
Bus and remember what it’s like to be kind. And I hope all of this goes down before Jordan’s mom serves mocktails while the boys complete the Burn Book. Best line of the week.. Derek is being the opposite of Fetch.

Karen
Karen

Big Tuna is my favorite and I was NOT happy about the guys ganging up on him like that. I really thought she had a few good ones in the running, but not anymore. The ones who seem most reasonable apart from him –i.e., Wells, JT—are totally friend-zoned! Jojo, don’t go for these dudes. Their immaturity was shining through last night!!

abby
abby

man oh man, alex is just the worst at this point. like, shut up and mind your own beeswax alex! why does he care if derek “needed validation??” i wanted to root for him for the first couple of episodes, but he needs to just chill. i was disappointed that chase ganged up on derek, too, as i was really starting to like him! i think luke is getting the passionate/serious lover edit…he was hilarious in the little moments/bloopers they play at the end during the credits! i wish they would show that luke more (or the funny side of any of the guys, for that matter)! curious if any of the jordan drama is rooted in anything true…i liked him, and i would have never gotten the impression that he was there for the wrong reasons had they not planted that seed. also, my gaydar was going off bigtime with robby during this episode—there is just no way that man is straight. there’s no way!! wondering if anyone else noticed that…

Kate
Kate

I was totally thinking the same thing about Robby this episode, glad I wasn’t the only one!

Ann
Ann

I just told my friends this morning that I was sorry Robby doesn’t know he’s gay! That hair! I have never seen such hair – it was still in place after the death dive from the cliff. I, too, was wondering how on earth they were going to get out of there without getting dashed against the rocks.

Here in Austin, the sports talk radio guys even watch “Bachelorette.” They all know Luke from various sporting events and really, really like him – they say he’s a super-nice, stand-up guy. I agree the producers are editing him into a different role, although he seriously needs a different haircut. What is with these hairstyles? I have never seen so many odd ones in one place before.

Laurie
Laurie

I found it quite ironic that one of the worst hairstyles was Vinny the barber! Those straight across bangs were too much!

KnitWhit
KnitWhit

Robby strikes me as someone with a creepy fetishize like foot obsession or something. He has a major stalker vibe to me!

Cindy S.
Cindy S.

I was laughing on the yacht trip because for once the man was actually messing with his hair more than the woman. Jordan’s long-ass hair was all OVER the place and he kept trying to get it to settle down. Didn’t work! I sound like my grandma, but CUT THAT MESS OFF!

mconners
mconners

TOTALLY agree with the whole gaydar thing!

Jenna
Jenna

Yep, last night was the first time I thought Robby swung the other way. But then, I’m highly suspicious of pretty men.

Kay
Kay

100% agree!!!! I’ve thought that about Robbie for a couple of episodes now. When he said he ended a 3 1/2 year relationship, I wondered if it was with a dude!

Beth

As soon as I saw Robby’s shorts, I KNEW it was perfect fodder for you, Lincee. And you didn’t disappoint. JAMS!

Liana
Liana

Lincee, what a great surprise to read the recap while sipping my coffee. Big thank yous to you for such an awesome gift.
So tired of Alex, he has been stirring the pot from day one except having Chad there you didn’t notice it as much. Hope he is sent home next week.
Bless your heart for sharing Arie’s video with us. Last night when Jordan tried the same move I thought “this dude needs to take lessons from Arie”.
Loved watching Jordan and Robby at the spa, that was hilarious.
Our JoJo sure likes clothing with lots of cut outs and plunging necklines.

Kay
Kay

I honestly don’t see her ending up with any of the guys. She has no chemistry with anyone and Jordan is just in it for some kind of fame. She cries fake tears and tries to show emotion, but she’s not that good of an actress. And yes, Alex is kind of a jerk, though on a smaller scale than Chad. : ) This season is kind of boring IMHO.

Ashley
Ashley

Great recap!! Love all the Mean Girls comparisons. Yes, I’m SO sick of Alex! And as douchy as Chad was, their celebrations for him leaving were over the top and really crappy, to be honest. I definitely see the cliques forming and it just makes me lose respect for the guys. I wonder how JoJo is reacting to seeing all of this first hand now. I don’t love Jordan for her, but I’m afraid that’s who she picks in the end.

Meg
Meg

I think she’ll pick Jordan and his bad hair too. And then break up, just like Andi and Josh. Robby is gay. Alex wishes he could be Regina George! Chase is boring. I guess I could get on board with a brooding vet like Luke but she’ll still pick Jordan!
Does anyone remember Mrs Wiggins from the Carol Burnett show? Jordan walks like her…

Deebee
Deebee

Thank for the laugh out loud re Mrs Wiggins, haha. Good one!

Andre
Andre

That whole two hour show and my one little “Wait, what did he say?” moment was when E.D. said he had a 360 degree view of the ocean from the hotel room when they arrived in Punta del Este? I had to pause and back that thang up to make sure he said 360 degree view. What the….?

Katie
Katie

Yes! that was the hardest I laughed the entire episode.

Terri
Terri

The hotel appeared to be circular, so if they had the entire floor, it would have been a 360 degree view. I didn’t find that to be funny at all!

Anne Cordelia
Anne Cordelia

Terri, he said “360 degree view of the ocean.” So, unless they’re on a tiny, tiny island, there is no such thing as a 360 degree view of the ocean.

Allison
Allison

We all did the same thing! You can’t have a 360 degree view of the ocean, E.D., Uruguay isn’t an island….

Oh, and favorite quote has to be “Could lack of depth perception be a contributor to Jordan’s failed football career?” Hilarious!!

Yank
Yank

I noticed that as well…..360 degree view of the ocean? Pacific, Atlantic, and Antarctic oceans I guess. How frickin’ tall IS this Hotel.

Fan in AZ
Fan in AZ

Lighthouse maybe?

wpDiscuz