Bachelorette JoJo recap: Beware of the plastics
Bachelorette JoJo Recap: Episode 5:
It never occurred to me that The Chad’s absence would create a big hole in the drama department on our favorite show. At first I had high hopes that he would throw a punch after discovering his roommates sprinkle precious grains of protein powder at a memorial service on his behalf. That didn’t happen. I also expected a chainsaw or some blood with all the creepy whistling and window scratching. Unfortunately, Chad was just Chad. He both arrived and left as a jack wagon, refusing to apologize to the dudes and blatantly ignoring E.D.’s repeated request for a new shirt. With one twirl, The Chad was gone.
Alex, on the other hand, receives a hero’s welcome home from his date with JoJo. The boys hoist him onto their shoulders, shouting “RUDY! RUDY! RUDY!” Then they smash a platter full of perfectly good cupcakes into his face before starting a fire with sparklers.
Just when you think they are all bros and love each other, Fleiss jukes in another direction. RELEASE THE MEAN BOYS!
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you follow on Snapchat happen to personally know, sort of know, or is friends with the Rodan+Fields consultant who claims to love Hodor even though she doesn’t watch Game of Thrones…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
JoJo arrives at the rose ceremony wearing a gown designed from the silver section in Kendra Scott’s color palate. Chase immediately whisks her away and shoves her into one of the human-size plastic hamster balls so they can knock each other down. Odd. Robby makes out with her in front of a fountain. Also odd. James F. reads her a poem. Sort of sweet. Luke spreads it on thick by admitting that the has feelings for her before sticking his tongue down her throat. Classic Luke.
But it’s Jordan who leads her around the random wall that stands in the middle of the room where the dudes are stationed for the cocktail party. He tries to pull the move of all moves — gently nudging her against a wall for a spontaneous make out session. Unfortunately, he botches the delivery. The wall was a little too far away. As a result, he has to shove Joj a few times before she is backed against it. She also has to negotiate the train of her Kendra Scott dress. Did JoJo like this aggressive move? Did the other dudes hear smacking? Could lack of depth perception be a contributor to Jordan’s failed football career? We may never know. What we do know is that this is how it’s done:
Thank you, YouTube, for being so awesome.
Luke, Alex and Jordan already have roses. They are joined by Jim “Derek” Halpert, Robby, Chase, Wells, Grant, Vinny and James Taylor. JoJo picks up the final rose and through literal dry heaves, she calls E.D.’s name one last time. Damn Daniel and the other James are sent home. James cries. Damn Daniel calls him a hoser before asking him to split a Tim Horton at the airport.
JoJo announces that the next part of their journey is going to be international. The ABC graphics department is back with a handy digital map that uses dotted lines to help us understand how the cast will get from Pennsylvania to Uruguay. Someone get Vinny a passport because we’re going to South America!
“Let’s Seal the Deal”
Believe it or not, this is Jordan’s first one-on-one date. JoJo wears a cold shoulder blouse and denim panties for the special occasion. She greets him with a jump and straddle (trademark pending) and they spend the day swimming with seals in extremely dirty water. JoJo is totally cool about it. She’ll take a seal over a pig any day.
While JoJo watches Jordan’s hair flop in the breeze, Vinny opens up a makeshift barbershop (one word) in the hotel. I’m sorry to see that he is not chopping off E.D.’s limp bangs. Instead, he’s trimming Alex up as the ABC Intern places a completely illegal yet totally visible InTouch Magazine on the table, conveniently opened to the page where JoJo’s ex-boyfriend Chad claims they had a thing going on the entire time she was seeing Ben. Alex dumps this information into his pot and begins to stir it.
Meanwhile, JoJo does a little stirring of her own. As luck would have it, she just happened to meet one of Jordan’s old girlfriends and that girl just happened to mention that Jordan was a crap boyfriend. I guess JoJo ran into this chick between seal swimming and dinner? Details.
Jordan fidgets, takes a sip of bourbon and proceeds to try and explain himself out of this sticky situation. He blames the failed relationship and his unfortunate behavior on sports (?), claims he did not cheat on her and tells a story about how his pastor said to never say you love someone unless you’re willing to put a ring on it. In other words: Don’t worry. Beyoncé.
JoJo remains skeptical. She reminds Jordan that earlier he said he was “falling” for her, but now he’s “falling in love.” What gives? Jordan is confident and comfortable in their relationship. This makes her smile and lean in for a kiss. He grabs her around the waist, just south of her cold ribs. Then they dance with a makeshift carnival troupe in the street. She’s blissfully happy that her former footballer is totally and completely in love with her.
Naturally the producers show her the InTouch Magazine at this precise moment. They warn her that “her guys” have all seen the article and they aren’t happy. JoJo cries invisible tears for several minutes before declaring her hatred for Chad. She pulls on a calf-length sweater because her ribs are so cold. Who cares about shoes? She must confront her guys and explain that everything Chad said in the article is a fabrication.
She stumbles into the room and plops down between James Taylor and Robby. She laments that she’s there for the right reasons (right reasons) and that her love for Ben was true and real. Robby finally puts a comforting hand on her shoulder as Alex affirms that all Chads are dill holes. No one walks her back to her hotel room. They just serenade the opportunity (with JT on the guitar) and wave as it passes them by. Did they learn nothing from Nick last season?
Luke, Derek, Chase, E.D, James, Vinny, Grant, Wells, Alex
“I Can’t Sand To Be Away From You”
JoJo stands beyond the thunderdome, beckoning the boys to come sand surfing with her. E.D. contemplates another nose bleed as he watches most of the other suitors bite it. James Taylor manages to not break any major bones while JoJo screams, “We don’t need another hero! I’m so scared!” Wells actually coasts down the hill for the most part before it begins to rain and the group is forced to start their cocktail party earlier than usual.
Luke is the first one to grab JoJo for some alone time. I’m unsure if he ripped the knees of his nice black pants or if he purchased them with pre-rippage. The bottom line is that his pants make me sad. JoJo doesn’t seem to mind his cold knees. Things are heating up with them in other ways.
Luke isn’t the only one getting some lip action. James Taylor receives a kiss too, but it’s more of a peck variety. He’s going to have to try harder than that, but he is doing better than Wells. There’s way too much space between them on the couch for anything interesting to happen. Poor Derek has a serious case of the sweats during his time with JoJo. He confesses that it’s hard for him to be in the house with all these other dudes. JoJo asks him to try and be vulnerable. They share a salty kiss and head back to the group.
Alex uses his time to ramble on about text messages and playing emotional games. She leans in for a kiss to shut him up. He’s really annoyed when JoJo hands the date rose to “someone who needs validation” before pinning the bud on Derek’s lapel. All of a sudden, Alex is pissed at Big Tuna for some reason.
“Love is Within Our Reach”
After playing hide-n-seek with a local dog, JoJo runs into the perfectly coiffed arms of Robby. She’s wearing a sweater over a bikini top and white denim panties. It’s the perfect outfit for cliff diving. Robby strips down, uncovering his brightly-colored Jams and silky smooth, yet perfectly abtastic torso. They assess the situation, unsure if they believe that the ABC Intern really did survive this daunting jump mere minutes before they arrived.
JoJo and Robby adjust their aqua socks, take a deep breath and launch into the choppy waters below. JoJo is thankful that Robby is an Olympic swimmer because rocky cliffs in South American oceans are the exact same as the big swimming pool at the Jacksonville Aquatic Center. Hooray for surviving the jump! Now let’s figure out how to scale back up the deadly rocks to civilization.
Over at the hacienda, Chase and Alex bombard Derek with questions about his time with JoJo during the group date. They want to know why he needed reassurance? Why was JoJo so concerned about his well-being? Is the rumor true? Did his dad invent Toaster Strudels? Derek rolls his eyes.
Back at the date, JoJo goes with a cold sternum dress and completely ignores her steak while Robby shares a tragic story about how his best friend died in a car accident. He’s able to tell the entire story without being distracted by JoJo’s ginormous statement ring. Robby broke up with his girlfriend and decided that life is too short to just sit around. Gravity takes you were it goes and so does love, by golly. He’s falling in love with JoJo and she needs to know it!
She thanks him, wipes away a few fake tears and cues the fireworks.
Derek unwisely lets the stress of the journey get to him and calls an emergency meeting with Robby, Chase, Alex and Jordan. He asks them all to please stop acting like a high school clique. Jordan laughs because Derek is being the opposite of fetch. Chase tells him that it’s not their fault they are so popular before Alex warns him that he’s just committed social suicide. Before they leave, Robby reminds Halpert that on Wednesdays, they wear pink.
Our Host Chris Harrison walks in to tell the guys that JoJo isn’t in any mood to have a cocktail party. She knows who she’s going to dump and she’s going to have a cold waist and cold left leg while doing it. E.D., Grant and Vinny are all sent home. All three cry huge tears. E.D. feels he will never find love again. Grant’s breakdown is manly in a firefighter sort of way. And Vinny appears overtired. Or he’s really, really upset that he’s not going to Argentina with the rest of the group.
What did y’all think? Is Jordan still a front-runner even though he’s affiliated with Regina George? Are you sick of Alex yet? Does Luke have a personality? Who’s your favorite? Sound off in the comments section!