Bachelorette JoJo Recap: Damn Daniel

Season 12 has officially kicked off with a parade of jack wagons who will be vying for JoJo’s love and affection. Show producers cast a wide net and came back with 25 men who almost all look the same. Get ready, people. Floppy hair, facial scruff, forearm tats and skinny jeans are this season’s denim panties.

How will our bachelorette keep them all straight? In order to calm JoJo’s nerves, Fleiss recruits former bachelorettes Ali, Des and Kaitlyn for a special pre-cocktail party girl talk sesh. Kaitlyn encourages Jo to kiss anything with lips. Ali reminds everyone that she was super attracted to Roberto from the moment she saw him because he was so incredibly hot (#truth) and she pursued that business from the get-go. Then she fondly pats her growing baby bump which currently houses the child of another man. Odd. Des tries to provide solid input on how to NOT hurt anyone’s feelings, but JoJo is too busy nodding her head along to Kaitlyn’s advice about living in the moment, which is code for: If it feels good, do it.

Our Host Chris Harrison meets the bachelorette on the freshly sprayed asphalt in front of the outdoor fountain, looking dapper as usual. He smells of tobacco, adventure and two fingers of single malt whiskey. He’ll need that liquid courage in order to face what’s coming. A Superfan and Jake Pavelka in one night? I know Harrison is money, but even he needs the crazy to be stretched out over multiple episodes, right? This is the definition of earning a paycheck.

JoJo is ready to meet her suitors. Her champagne-colored glittery dress shows just enough cleavage to be safe to air on primetime television, yet the backside gives the illusion of a clear and present butt crack. Her lashes are lush and her ombre hair is perfectly coiffed and her spray tan is golden. Release the hounds!

Marine Alex
26
U.S. Marine 
Oceanside, CA
Why you remember him:
You probably remember thinking, “Wow. Alex is short,” but that doesn’t stop you from swelling with pride as he shares pictures from his time serving as a U.S. Marine. Fact: You don’t need to be as tall as a church steeple to invite a woman in a ball gown to sit on your butt as you do a few hundred pushups. Many of the dudes rolled their eyes at this stunt, but Alex owned it. I’m not sure what he does for a living, but we do know he has a twin (we know that’s a career) who is married to a Nickelodeon starlet. Alex seems normal for the most part. I like him.
Status: Rose

Prince Ali
27
Bartender
Santa Monica, CA
Why you remember him:
You remember Prince Ali’s eyebrows and his darling fluffy, white dog. Prince Ali is practically smitten when he meets JoJo in person. He finds her breathtaking. Savvy viewers probably noticed that he was staring at her boobs when he made that remark, assuming he said, “Breast-taking.” Or was that just my friend Susan who picked up on that? His ankle boots are adorable and I’ve since researched to see if I can find the same ones in black. JoJo melts when The Prince plays Beethoven on the piano for her. I wonder if Jasmine taught him that concerto or if that was one of his wishes from Genie?
Status: Rose

Brandon
28
Hipster
Los Angeles, CA
Why you remember him:
He is too cool for neckties. And this show. I’m rooting for you Hipster!
Status: Rose

Chad the Chach
28
Luxury Real Estate Agent
Tulsa, OK
Why you remember him:
Chad is the resident villain. He’s the mean girl. By the looks of the coming attractions for this season, he also has some Alpha Male anger issues bottled up inside. He’s the bad boy that will manipulate his way into JoJo’s heart. He also claims to be the “manlier, more rugged version of Ben.” This is the moment I decided to hate him for real. JoJo thinks he is sexy, mysterious and tells him that he smells good through a girlish giggle. I’m sure it’s just leftover pheromones from when Harrison was standing right there moments ago. Chad is a chach and will probably go far until one of the dudes tattles on his naughty behavior. I can’t wait for Harrison to step in and threaten to Roz him right out of the mansion.
Status: Rose

Chase
27
Medical Sale Representative
Highlands Ranch, CO
Why you remember him:
You confuse him with Chad the Chach and one of the Nicks, which is unfortunate because every time he pops up on the screen, you seethe at his jack wagon face and then process through the fact that the guy is indeed Chase — the one who wouldn’t sell his truck for love. Can we get this dude a top hat or a monocle to distinguish between him and the other blonde scruffies with chiseled jaws, please? I’m sure the hipster has a few chill props in his messenger bag that Chase can borrow.
Status: Rose

Christian
26
Telecom Consultant
Los Angeles, CA
Why you remember him:
According to Christian, he grew up biracial, which is extremely weird phrasing. His dad’s family had no idea he existed because of racial tension among certain individuals. I can’t even imagine. He helps with his brothers, works out at ridiculous early hours in the morning and rides a motorcycle to impress his potential future wife. JoJo thinks any man riding on a chopper is hot. I agree with that statement.
Status: Rose

Coley
27
Real Estate Consultant
Chicago, IL
Why you remember him:
Coley looks like a vampire with slicked back hair and a set of extremely white teeth that have the ability to hide his fangs. He is in real estate and looks forward to taking JoJo off the market. [Sigh.] His nieces and nephews call him CoCo, which rhymes with JoJo. Are they a match made in heaven, or what?
Status: No Rose

Damn Daniel
31
Male Model
Vancouver, B.C., Canada
Why you remember him:
Daniel exits the limo with a well-timed, “Daaamn JoJo” as he walks up to greet her. Sweet JoJo thought she was on the receiving end of a term of endearment and is visibly confused when Daniel tries to explain his opening line. She has no idea about the “Damn Daniel” viral video that swept the nation in the beginning of the year. Our male model copes with his botched icebreaker by taste testing from every bottle of alcohol in the mansion. Moments later, his pants are off, his shorty tie is tossed aside, along with his tight shirt, and he stands on the balcony in nothing but his underwear flexing his lats and delts. Someone whispers for him to belly flop into the pool. That someone is the fourth tequila shot.
Status: Rose

Derek
29
Commercial Banker
Ft. Lauderdale, FL
Why you remember him:
Derek admits that he used to look like Harry Potter when he was a kid. I think he looks just like Jim Halpert and reader JennyLynn agrees with me! I give you the Tweet of the Week:

@Lincee can we call Derek “Big Tuna”

— JennyLynn (@hokiejennylynn) May 24, 2016

I like Big Tuna. Who’s with me?
Status: Rose

Evan
33
Erectile Dysfunction Specialist
Nashville, TN
Why you remember him:
You wondered if Evan had a little, blue pill for his dysfunctional hair. Then you cringed when he said he has mojo for JoJo. Evan is a little too enthusiastic about our bachelorette. What he doesn’t like is dudes poking him in the belly button. Damn Daniel! There’s no reason for that nonsense.
Status: Rose

Grant
28
Firefighter
San Francisco, CA
Why you remember him:
You remember him in his fireman uniform. Duh.
Status: Rose

Jake
26
Landscape Architect
Playa Vista, CA
Why you remember him:
You don’t.
Status: No Rose

James F.
34
Boxing Club Owner
Nashville, TN
Why you remember him:
James wore a black shirt with a black jacket and a red tie. You thought he was a waiter until he started sparring with JoJo in the sunken living room.
Status: Rose

James S.
27
“Bachelor” Superfan
Phoenix, AZ
Why you remember him:
James looks a little bit plastic. Think Stepford Wives. He admits that not many people know he is a closeted superfan of the Bachelor franchise and that he used to have watch parties with children. Congratulations, James! Now everyone knows what a dork you are — a perfect skinned, perfect haired, perfect toothed dork! This experience is a dream come true for him and now that he’s met Our Host Chris Harrison, he can die a happy robot.
Status: Rose

James Taylor
29
Singer-Songwriter
Why you remember him:
As James Taylor serenaded JoJo with his guitar, you probably had He Who Must Not Be Named flashbacks. When JoJo admits that she loves country music, you broke out into cold sweats praying that the second song in James Taylor’s set was “Fire and Rain” and not “Love Don’t Come Easy.”
Status: Rose

Jonathan
29
Technical Sales Representative
Vancouver, B.C., Canada
Why you remember him:
Jonathan is from Canada, but identifies as half Chinese and Scottish below the waist. I have no idea what that means, but I do know that he isn’t wearing any panties under his kilt because he told me and everyone watching on national television. Do you remember how ruggedly handsome Jamie Fraser was in his kilt before they started making him wear fancy pants in season 2 of Outlander? Yeah — Jonathan wasn’t quite at that level of hotness. Sadly, when he sat down to meet the other boys, his boys were on display. In fact, the black modesty box had to make an appearance. Between this dude, Damn Daniel and JoJo’s affection for string bikinis made of yarn, the black modesty box production team may working overtime in the coming weeks.
Status: No Rose

Jordan
27
Former Pro Quarterback
Chico, CA
Why you remember him:
Jordan wants you to know that he is Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers’ little brother, but he doesn’t want to be known as Aaron Rodgers’ little brother. He laments the fact that he is no longer a football player as he throws a football in the drizzling rain while wearing his favorite pair of jeggings and Converse tennis shoes. Jordan is ready to find love. He saunters up to JoJo, confident with his floppy hair choice, and shares that his parents met and were engaged in a few months and have lived happily ever after for decades. JoJo thinks he is H-O-T.

Later at the cocktail party, JoJo complains to the camera that all the dudes are way too nervous. She remembers fondly how she and Ben just clicked on night one. She’s not feeling that with all the vampires, robots and half-naked people. Even Santa is pounding back the drinks over in the corner. Maybe she struck out and got a bad batch of hotties?

Enter Jordan. He puts JoJo at ease immediately by scratching her back lightly as she tells her life story in two minutes. JoJo gives him all sorts of affirmation by touching his arm, leaning her boobs into his chest and propping her elbow up on his shoulder as she adjusts her hair for the millionth time. Jordan later steals her away so he can cash in his green light. He kisses her in the driveway, thanks her and then walks away so she can admire his butt.
Status: First Impression Rose

Smoldering Luke
31
War Veteran
Burnet, TX
Why you remember him:
Luke likes to brood in a metro cowboy sort of way. He also likes to wear pearl snap shirts, feed cows and lean up against picturesque red barns one might see in an Abercrombie catalog. He was in the military for nine years and learned to live every day as if it was his last. Luke rides up on a unicorn. JoJo thinks this is hilarious. She labels him “not crazy and all hot” which is a glowing endorsement compared to his competition. He’ll be a dark horse unicorn.
Status: Rose

St. Nick B.
33
Electrical Engineer
Fort Lauderdale, FL
Why you remember him:
St. Nick never once took off the beard or the Santa hat during the entire cocktail party. I still don’t know what he looks like. I assume the Santa suit steamed him like a vegetable and common sense dictated that his actual cocktail party outfit under all that red felt was probably sopping wet from not only his own sweat, but the collective juices of anyone who may have rented that outfit in the last decade. And the boisterous, “Jo, Jo, Jo, Jo” chortle was punny the first time, but quickly became annoying. Stay away from the fireplace, Santa, and make sure to hydrate. Thank goodness there’s a naked man on the balcony who is pulling more focus than you, right now.
Status: Rose

Drunk Nick S.
26
Software Salesman
San Francisco, CA
Why you remember him:
This Hemsworth look-alike preferred hanging out with his buddies Jim, Jack, Johnny Red and Jose Cuervo all night instead of our bachelorette. After that literal split entrance, I had high hopes for our kerchief wearing friend. No doubt he’s nursing a hangover and pulled groin this morning, wondering how fast it all went south.
Status: No Rose

Peter
26
Staffing Agency Manager
Chicago, IL
Why you remember him:
Newsflash: Peter’s mustache is almost there! Too bad we won’t see it reach its full potential.
Status: No Rose

Robby
27
Former Competitive Swimmer
Jacksonville, FL
Why you remember him:
Robby asks JoJo to accept his bottle of wine. Then he opens it and invites JoJo to take a swig right from the bottle. He’s a man after JoJo’s mom’s own heart.
Status: Rose

Sal
28
Operations manager
Fort Lauderdale, FL
Why you remember him:
Two words: blue balls.
Status: No Rose

Vinny
28
Barber
Delray Beach, FL
Why you remember him:
Upon reading that Vinny is a barber, you long for him to style a few of the dudes’ hairdos. I’m looking at you, Erectile Dysfunction. Then you notice that Vinny’s hair is essentially a bowl cut. Additionally you realize he has slowly been giving Kerchief a run for his money in the “let’s get drunk” department. Perhaps giving him scissors isn’t the best idea?
Status: Rose

Wells
31
Radio DJ
Nashville, TN
Why you remember him:
DJ Jazzy Wells invited a bunch of old dudes to serenade JoJo with the quintessential All-4-One song, “I Swear.” Then he introduced the bunch of old dudes as the actual band, All-4-One. JoJo graciously smiles and sways to the musical stylings of a boy band who was popular when she was just a toddler. Here’s hoping A41 follows Wells around on all of his dates with JoJo. (PS: Was Jodeci not available?)
Status: Rose

Will
26
Civil engineer
Jersey City, NJ
Why you remember him:
Bless Will’s heart. Truly. The guy was all over the map in the wacky department. He had a bit with cards during his icebreaker and then one with a paper game that we played in grade school. Don’t get me started on his pinky ring or that terribly awkward first kiss. I literally put my head down inside my shirt. Heaven help him, because he got a rose and he’s going to have to explain that later. Heaven help ME when that happens.
Status: Rose

What did you think about the Bachelorette JoJo premiere episode? Did you think Jake Pavelka (a.k.a. “that old guy”) was going to line up with the other dudes to try and win JoJo’s heart? Is Chad the biggest chach of all? Will Alex fight him in a duel?! Who are your front runners? I have several I’m watching: Derek, Chase, Luke, Jordan and Wells. Who are you rooting for?