Bachelorette recap: Andi takes a ride on a big green tractor

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I picture Old McDonald sooooo differently now. Am I right?

I can’t believe we are eight weeks in the season ready for hometown dates. Andi is so lucky that every single one of the four men she has left are unbelievable guys who would make perfect husbands. Of course, Marcus would make a perfect husband for someone other than Andi, but we’ll get to that, and the most awkward, random, bizarre, oddly timed strip tease in the history of the world later.

Sclemeel! Schlemazel! Let’s head to Milwaukee!

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you liked on Instagram happen to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the twerking instructor of someone who is obsessed with the fictional life of Jamie and Claire Fraser like me and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

First Hometown Date
Nick
Milwaukee, Wisconsin

Screen shot 2014-07-08 at 7.21.29 AMNick is excited to introduce Andi to his family. But before they do that, he takes her to a busy marketplace and makes her wear a cheese hat on her head. Then they skipp their way to a brewery that serves a special Nick and Andi beer.

Nice move Nick! You’re gonna do it! Give him any chance, he’ll take it. Give him any rule, he’ll break it. He’s gonna make his dreams come true! Doin’ it his way.

Andi loves that she gets to see Nick in his environment. He’s more relaxed, fun and outgoing! And he teaches her to dance polka! You know, the dance which originated in Wisconsin.

FACT CHECK: “The polka is a Central European dance. It originated in the middle of the 19th century in Bohemia.”

Wikipedia does not lie people. Here’s hoping Nick was being sarcastic or had some sort of weird allergic reaction to the combination of the oom-pah music and a spazzed out bubble blowing machine.

Nick reminds us that he has 10 siblings. What he didn’t tell us is that they would all be sitting on or around the couch waiting to meet Andi right as she walked through the door. There were hugs, kisses, tears and introductions all around. The eldest sister has her doubts. I have my doubts about her wearing what is essentially a swimsuit cover-up as a dress, but to each her own. She basically makes Andi promise not to break Nick’s heart.

Next up is the youngest sister Bella. And by youngest, I’d guess that this little munchkin was about 10-years-old. She asks Andi what she likes most about her brother? Andi answers that she thinks they have a great mental connection and then explains in certain detail exactly what that phrase means. It was clear as mud to Bella.

Then Bella asks if she loves her brother! Andi chooses her words wisely and says that Nick makes her very happy and he is soooooo amazing. Nick arrives later to follow-up on Bella’s recon. She said that she didn’t remember Andi’s answer to her first question (me neither kid) and that when she asked Andi if she loved Nick, she said yes.

Worst game of telephone ever.

Nick gets the green light from his mother after he admits that he’s the favorite among the four (confident much?) and then Andi names all 10 kids in order using photographs on the wall as a guide. Lawyered. Then they make out in the driveway for 20 minutes.

Nick: I’m pretty sure she knows I love her. It’s so hard to say goodbye.
Lincee: To yesterdaaaayyyyyayyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Second Hometown Date
The Farmer
Somewhere in Iowa

The silver SUV (there are no black ones in Iowa) drops Andi off in the middle of a corn field where The Farmer is looking all sorts of hot in a plaid shirt and puffy vest. They are visibly and audibly excited to see each other. For one brief moment, I had hope for The Farmer. Could Andi take him through to the next round? Will she find a life as a homemaker in Iowa?

According to Andi, the fact that he had his own actual house with bedrooms that didn’t look like a bachelor pad was a definite mark in the win column. The fact that he told her to look around and that everything she saw was family land was another mark in the win column.

Screen shot 2014-07-08 at 7.33.31 AMBut the home run was when he took her for a ride on his big green tractor. When he offered for her to take the wheel, she chose to sit on his lap verses switching seats. That was a mark in The Farmer’s win column.

He takes her on a picnic after plowing the back 40. He explains that he can’t leave the family business in Iowa. He’s the only man (three sisters) and he can’t make a life for himself anywhere else. He understands that this could be a deal breaker, but he wants to let Andi know that she should be happy wherever she is at in life. The fact that she even considers seeing his side of the world is an honor.

Gen-tle-man.

She asked what kind of work is in Iowa. Valid question, but in this day and age, she could do anything she wanted. I think he told her she could be a homemaker because he knows that she wants kids one day and that’s basically saying, “You don’t have to work if you don’t want to.”

Translation? The Farmer is doing just fine in the money department thankyouverymuch. #suckitJosh

Andi: I’m not as city as you think. I mean, my family has a lake house.
Lincee: [sigh]

Just as things are winding down, a plane flies over with a sign that reads “Farmer loves Andi.” She and those watching with me squealed at the sweet gesture.

You go Farmer.

PS: I love that he ALWAYS offers her his arm when they are walking together. CHIVALRY IS NOT DEAD I TELL YOU!

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Time to meet the farming family! The three sisters give their brother a hard time, telling stories about how he never wore underwear when he was a kid. They also make sure to share that he’s a really good businessman, an entrepreneur and is sensitive, generous and humble. His Mom sees that her son is falling in love, but is more concerned about the problem at hand: what will Andi do if she moves to Iowa?

Mama tells both her son and Andi that there are no limits for a woman on a farm. She can do whatever she wants. You want a career? Get one! You want a baby? Birth one! If you love someone, it doesn’t matter where you live. The final bit of advise that Mama leaves with Andi is this: “When they get out of that tractor…woo! It still makes my heart stop.”

You go Farmer’s Mama!

The last order of business is a friendly game of ghost in the graveyard. Apparently one person goes outside and hides somewhere in the thousand acre farmland. The others scatter, looking for said person. Once you find the original person, you stay hidden with them. The Farmer was sent out first and chose to hide behind what looked like a water heater.

Andi: I found you!
Farmer: You’re so smart!
Lincee: Uh…she just followed the camera lights dude.

Andi and Farmer make out until the first sibling crashes their party. Once the final sibling finds the group, it’s time to go. The Farmer tells Andi she’s the missing piece in his life and instructs her that after she leaves, she must come back.

TEAM FARMER!

Third Hometown Date
Josh
Tampa, Florida

Who wears short shorts? Well it’s not Andi. She prefers denim panties. By the time I get that image out of my head, Josh and Andi are at his former minor league team’s baseball field. I think it’s high time to retire the old “baseball” date, don’t you? Besides, none can ever beat what we had with Roberto.

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I miss Roberto.

Let’s not waste time with details. Here’s my beta recap: Ball throwing. Bat swinging. Ball hitting. Base running. Boobs bouncing. Bat breaking. The Natural humming. Sunflower spitting. Josh reminiscing. Andi pouting. Leg rubbing. Panty wedging.

They take a break on the bleachers and Josh talks about how his brother Aaron is going to be drafted by the NFL. Andi’s pouty face returns and she openly admits that she doesn’t want this time with family to be all about Aaron. She wants it to be about her Josh.

They arrive at his parents’ house and Josh immediately begins crying when he sees his Mom and his dog. It’s clear that this family bond runs deep. During dinner, Aaron makes a toast. He’s clearly prepping for on-camera interviews in the locker room for the Kansas City Chiefs. As soon as everyone clinks their glasses, Aaron dives in to everything Josh has missed, including Pro Day. Andi is not a happy camper, but she still holds hands with Josh during dinner.

Andi sits with the Mom and talks about how Josh is eventually going to have to cut the cord. Mom does not feel that way. Josh will be watching Aaron’s games on weekends. It’s clear that this family does everything together and she can either get on board or not. With that said, she can tell that her son is falling for Andi.

The fact of the matter is that Andi could be a part of this family. She already looks like an older sister. Or a younger version of his Mom. Interesting…

The actual sister is brutally honest with Andi and tells her that more than likely they will fight about Aaron’s career and the family’s love for each other, but that’s what compromise is about. Once they have their own family, she’s confident things will change. Hello Voice of Reason!

Aaron lays it on thick at the end, telling Andi that he’s a grown man now and Josh can stop mothering him. It’s Josh’s time to be happy. Now let’s go play some football in the backyard so ESPN can have some footage for future Game Day spots!

Last Hometown Date
Marcus
Dallas, Texas

Marcus lives in the uptown portion of Dallas in the fancy neighborhood of Highland Park. He picks up Andi in his Mercedes and takes her to an empty strip club where he proceeds to dance for her. He has chosen “An Officer, But Not a Gentleman” as his character. Love did not lift us up where we belong because this was the strangest, most awkward strip tease EVER. I have never been more embarrassed, appalled and unable to look away in my life. And I’ve watched this video several times.

I think the point where ABC chose to blur out the front part of Marcus’ tighty whities was the point I had to fast forward through the madness.

YOU DO NOT GO MARCUS.

Of course Andi found this hot. I’ll take plaid with a vest over blurred tighty whities any day.

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Marcus is looking forward to showcasing Andi, but when they arrive at the house, none of his family members jumped up to greet him as all the other families did. It’s clear that there is still some tension there. Both the Mom and the sister were surprised to learn that Marcus has shared his story. I think this was more of a “oh crap what did he say on national TV?” shock more than anything.

But the moment Andi told his sister that Marcus deserves for her to catch up to him when it comes to how deeply he loves, I knew Marcus was a goner. She has too much mutual affection with the other three and if she hasn’t caught up now, she’s not going to.

Another moment that made me feel squishy with Marcus was when he told his brother how grateful he was that he took the time to raise him. I thought it was odd that he chose that time out of all the times available in a day, to share. It felt generated. Blech.

Marcus tells her that he loves her a dozen more times before she leaves to head back to LA for the rose ceremony.

But instead, the four guys and our bachelorette head over to Our Host Chris Harrison’s house for a special announcement.

Side Note: Harrison’s house could use a woman’s touch. I’m just saying. Call me! I’ll be in Iowa stalking farmland!

You can tell that the four dudes have no idea what’s going on. Harrison makes them sit in silence until Andi gets there. When she arrives he tells them that Eric passed away. I expected The Farmer to reach over and hug Andi, or at least put a consoling arm around her shoulders. He didn’t. Josh was trying to muster up some tears and Nick looked dazed. Marcus suddenly stands up and stalks outside. And of course, Andi follows to check on him.

Again. That felt very squishy. Something was off.

Andi makes him come back inside so they can “get through this together.” I respected that.

Then the camera dude puts the camera conveniently on the ground in the perfect angle to capture all the crew members coming in to hug everyone. This lasted about 10 seconds before I fast forwarded. It felt staged. I don’t care if this is reality and “life happened.” Squish-she. I believe this should have been a private moment.

Rose Ceremony
Andi arrives looking like a gorgeous mermaid from Oz in an emerald green dress. She has a heart-to-heart with Our Host and then studies photos on the Pier One Bureau. She heads out to the four waiting men, grabs a boutonniere and holds it (randomly) at chin level. She takes a deep breath, puts it down and returns to the Bureau. I can’t blame her for freaking out. It’s been 24 hours since she learned of Eric’s death and I’m sure she feels an array of emotions. Harrison comforts her as she breaks down. The tears were 98% for Eric and 2% for Nick’s dusty rose colored jacket.

When she returns, she hands roses to Josh, Nick and The Farmer. I may have stood up during that moment. Please, please, please let The Farmer be in a hot tub next week.

Marcus sits on the rejection bench and cries with Andi. She drones on for about 30 seconds too long before walking him to the rejection limo. He cries because he feels like an idiot. I roll my eyes because he’s probably going to be on Bachelor Paradise.

What do y’all think? I have I totally misjudged Marcus? Did you get a squishy feeling with him? Are you pumped The Farmer is in the final three? Do you think ABC is setting him up to be the next Bachelor like I do? Let me know in the comments section!

All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee

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