Bachelorette Recap: #bringonthechaches

It seems like it was just yesterday that we witnessed Desiree clinging to Sean’s neck, begging him not to let her go, before emphatically claiming to the rejection SUV camera man and ABC Psychotherapist that Sean had made a huge mistake. Five months later, she arrives at her temporary digs, steps out of her trusty Honda Civic with nothing but an overnight bag full of sunscreen, string bikini tops, two-inch inseam jorts, pink knee socks and a pair of vintage roller skates. She squeaks with delight at every detail and heads over to the balcony (I predict at least a half Mesnick will be thrown on that very handrail this season) overlooking the dusky remnants of Los Angeles below. It is here that our bachelorette first refers to her plight in life as something that can easily be compared to one of the most beloved fairy tale princesses of all time – Cinderella.

desiree-300

In case you forgot, Des’ family didn’t have much growing up, but they had each other. She was taught to dream big and do whatever she had to do to make those dreams a reality. I can confirm that at the two minute mark, Des was already crying about the possibility of finding her one true love on this amazing journey. Clearly, she’s going to need a Fairy Godmother to help her navigate these tricky waters.

Enter Our Host Chris Harrison.

Looking dashing in a Clothing by Harrison original button down shirt, Our Host walks Des down the painful parts of Memory Lane that she has tucked away in the deep dark corners of her mind. Within minutes, she’s tearing up again at the reminder that Sean sent her packing after meeting her protective brother whose only crime was enjoying some state mandated family time with his parents, sister and parole officer. Or she could have been crying about her wonky bangs. One can’t be sure.

Harrison gives Des a prep talk, encouraging her to not hold back as she did with Sean and then bibbidi-bobbidi-BOOYAH! He hands her keys to a new powder blue convertible Bentley, which everyone knows is the most appropriate mode of transportation when beginning one’s journey to find true love. Who needs a pumpkin when you have Harrison’s swagger?

Des changes into a skin tight dress made from tin foil, takes her place on the freshly sprayed asphalt and prepares herself for meeting Prince Charming. ABC spared no expense searching high and low for the perfect 25 candidates. Their hair was coiffed, the teeth were gleaming white and apparently most took advantage of the free spray tan with every dorky entrance. Let’s meet the guys!

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you liked on Twitter happen to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the nail stylist or bowing instructor of someone who is obsessed with the fictional life and devastating death of Matthew Crawley like me and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

Ben
Age: 28
Occupation: Entrepreneur
Why you remember him:
Ben brought his adorable son Brody with him because family is the most important thing ever. He explained to Des that “it was just two friends having a kid together” which was a bit odd to me. My feeling was quickly multiplied when he offered that they are “still the very best of friends.” We learn inside that Ben likes camping. He seems a bit thrown when Desiree rattles off a bunch of Camping 101 facts. I think it’s safe to assume that Ben’s version of “camping” consists of summers at Kanakuk when he was a kid and that one afternoon when he accidentally left his cell phone in the car and had to sit through the entire concert in the park without any link to the outside world. Remember Ben…Des LIVED in a tent once upon a time! I’d be willing to bet she could start a fire by rubbing two sticks together and she probably knows how to filter her own urine into drinking water. Through context clues from various promos, we learn that Ben is the resident villain and all are concerned for Brody’s well being.
Status: FIRST ROSE

Brad
Age: 27
Occupation: Accountant/DJ
Why you remember him:
Obviously ABC chose to edit his super fun DJ side because all I have written in my notes is grey suit/purple shirt and wish bone. I will say that there was a quick clip among a montage of goofiness that featured someone dancing what appeared to be the African Anteater Ritual as Des laughed hysterically. Surely it was Brad and there was so much chemistry that they had to leave the majority of the moment on the editing room floor.
Status: Rose

Brandon
Age: 26
Occupation: Painting Contractor
Why you remember him:
Brandon is a self-proclaimed adrenaline junkie and wants to live outside all the live long day. He has parent issues (which explains a lot), arrived at the mansion via motorcycle (of course) and was wearing a pin-striped suit with a striped tie (how unfortunate.) Brandon chose to make a lasting impression with Des by showing her his mother’s sobriety coin before insisting that she keep it until hometown dates. I found this extremely odd and bit disturbing. Doesn’t his mother need her coin? PS: he totally skipped his birthday part to come to LA and party like a rock star. He believes this should earn him an extra set of bonus points.
Status: Rose

Brian
Age: 29
Occupation: Financial Advisor
Why you remember him:
I could see myself getting on board with the velvet jacket Brian sported, but when he turned to go inside and revealed a pair of jeans with butt bedazzlements, I quickly hopped off that train. Even when he told Des that he had named a star after her, all I could think about was if a rhinestone was currently poking his rear as he sat in that position?
Status: Rose

Brooks
Age: 28
Occupation: Sales & Marketing
Why you remember him:
Brooks is the one with the long hair. Those of you who love long hair know exactly who I’m talking about. He’s forever tall, has great teeth and is in desperate need of a scrunchie. He was adorably nervous and will go far.
Status: Rose

Bryden
Age: 26
Occupation: Iraq War Veteran
Why you remember him:
At first, you thought he was a bit on the hard side, but you quickly figured it was because Bryden was annoyed when ABC made him walk around the mountains of Montana with an assault rifle. Those harsh exteriors soon melted away as he played fetch with his gorgeous German Shepherd. He filled his alone time with Des lamenting on the fact that he didn’t know if he made a difference while stationed in Iraq, but he did befriend a young kid there and hopes that he at least touched his life in some way. The patriot in my heart rose, sang “God Bless America” and moved Bryden to the top of my favorite list.
Status: Rose

Chris
Age: 27
Occupation: Mortgage Broker
Why you remember him:
Chris admitted that he was nervous upon meeting Des for the first time. But went ahead and got down on one knee to ask her…if she minded if he tied his shoe. You first thought, “You totally janked that from Jim Halpert.” and then noticed is brightly colored socks which were, of course, purple – the official hue of season nine.
Status: Rose

Dan
Age: 30
Occupation: Beverage Sales Director
Why you remember him:
I have two words for you. Ken doll.
Status: Rose

Diogo
Age: 29
Occupation: Marketing Manager
Why you remember him:
Poor Diogo took about 30 extra seconds to exit the limo in full knight gear. He creaked up to Des, pulled off his face mask and proudly announced that he was her knight in shining armor. He was unprepared for anything else other than making it into the mansion before the cocktail party was over. We all knew that he would be on the first plane back to Colorado. Let’s hope he flew Southwest. With that much heavy hardware, he’ll need that extra bag to fly free.
Status: No rose

Drew
Age: 27
Occupation: Digital Marketing Analyst
Why you remember him:
I thought of that Taylor Swift song and sang it in my head every time Drew popped up on screen. That morphed into me thinking that Drew should be dating Taylor Swift because he doesn’t look a day older than 21. He admitted to being nervous a few times and then asked Des, “When do the butterflies go away?” Des thought it was “cute” how he was smiling all the time and extremely fidgety. Ben tipped him $10 to go check on his kid in the limo. If I had to guess, his “cute” and nervous demeanor will be trumped by someone who is confident and comfortable with leading a relationship. This man does not do magic and is never at a cocktail party without a shirt on.
Status: Rose

James
Age: 27
Occupation: Sales
Why you remember him:
The first thing out of James’ mouth is a simple statement. Loyalty is love. That’s the motto engraved on his family’s crest. And when I say family, I mean Family. And when I say crest, I mean the one found on the ring finger of a certain Boss. He also can foresee the future and predicted that when they are old and fat, they will remain loyal.
Status: Rose

Jonathan
Age: 26
Occupation: Attorney
Why you remember him:
As if Jonathan’s soft voice wasn’t creepy enough, he has the audacity to hand Des a key so she can go directly to the fantasy suite with him. I would have laughed at his gag, but there was a definite Norman Bates vibe going on, so the entire exchange became more confusing than anything. Des picked up on the skeeve too and told him through both body language and her words that she didn’t think it was funny. Jonathan decided that he should bring it up again because clearly she didn’t understand the first time that he just wanted to make out a little. Des politely refused. Jonathan took this as a personal challenge and asked the ABC intern to gather all the spare candles he can muster, a few dozen throw pillows and the Jodeci CD he left in the limo so he could physically show her how “not here for the right reasons” he is by creating a fantasy suite in the under the stairs bathroom of the manse. He stole her away, again, and began leading her to his sultry den before she stopped him, explained in great detail how uncomfortable he made her and demanded that he leave the journey immediately.

Props to Will for pseudo coming to her aid. Although he didn’t step in to man handle the situation, he was prepped and ready to high five Jonathan in the forehead should the need arise. Des’ instant booting was rewarded by a huge round of applause from the remaining men, a courtesy flex from Zak, #yougogirl from Hashtag Kasey and a miniature explosion from a trick gone rogue by The Magician. In his exit interview, Jonathan concluded that Des has no idea who he is because his Mom totally thinks he’s a cutie pie. Then he droned on and on about how his love tank hasn’t been depleted for years. And it’s a very large love tank. I know I take creative merits with my recaps but I seriously could not and would not make this stuff up, nor do I want to know anything about his bulging love tank. I’m quite confident that getting it near an open flame would be detrimental to all involved, so it’s a good thing he didn’t have to sit through an entire rose ceremony to find out.
Status: No rose

Juan Pablo
Age: 31
Occupation: Former Pro Soccer Player
Why you remember him:
Juan Pablo is hotter than crap. I also think his entire intro was botched because Des couldn’t understand his name due to his thick, amazing Venezuelan accent. Here’s how it went down:
JP: “Hola. My name is Juan Pablo.”
Des: “Say again?”
JP: “Juan Pablo.”
Des: “Pablo what?”
JP: “Juan Pablo.”
Des: “John Pablo?”
Lincee: “Why is this so hard for her?”
JP: “Jo…”
Des: “Jo…”
JP: “Jah…”
Des: “Jah…”
Lincee: “Not helpful.”
JP: “Juan Pablo”
Lincee: “You’re so pretty.”

Des gave up after he offered her a tiny piece of chocolate and then decided to just surrender to his smoking hot good looks.
Status: Rose

Kasey
Age: 29
Occupation: Advertising Executive
Why you remember him:
Kasey’s job has something to do with social media. As a result, he loves to hashtag with the enthusiasm of a 13-year-old girl who just received permission from her parents to create her own Twitter account. Kasey commentated the entire two hour episode with three word hashtag statements. It wasn’t annoying at all. #imbeingsarcastic #hashtagstophashtagging
Status: #rose

Larry
Age: 34
Occupation: ER Doctor
Why you remember him:
Our bespectacled friend took a chance with his grand entrance by spinning Des in towards him and then attempting to dip her romantically. There’s no way Larry could have anticipated her long train becoming tangled in her heels, resulting in a rip on the bottom and a tear in the back. Poor Larry publicly shared the humiliation with the rest of the contestants and looked for comfort in his only friend in the mansion — bourbon. Feeling that the only way to diffuse the awkwardness was to call it out, Larry took the precious few minutes he had alone with Des to “talk about the dip.” Confused, Des could not recall a limo exit bit featuring Copenhagen. In her defense, Larry had removed his glasses and once he returned them to the end of his nose (back and forth no less than nine times), it all came back to her. Too bad the whiskey had taken over all of his faculties and decided at that moment to shut Larry’s body down, complete with blurred vision, speech and heavy eyelids. #imgonnamissthisguy
Status: No rose

Micah
Age: 32
Occupation: Law Student
Why you remember him:
Micah made his own suit, complete with catch phrases. It was as horrendous as it sounds. He looked like Punky Brewster’s lovable uncle. #where’syourlegbandana
Status: No rose

Michael G.
Age: 33
Occupation: Federal Prosecutor
Why you remember him:
The jury is still out on Michael, but I think I’m leaning in the direction of definitely maybe liking him. He opened by pulling Des over to the fountain where five months ago, she had given Sean a penny to throw. He gallantly waded through the water, looking for Des’ coin and was visibly embarrassed when he realized that there were no coins. You see, all monetary gain from the driveway fountain is collected and half the proceeds go to the Our Host Chris Harrison Foundation which helps young boys across the world learn to be effervescent men of poise and style. #atleasthekephisshirton
Status: Rose

Mike R.
Age: 27
Occupation: Dental Student/Model
Why you remember him:
Mike fully admits that he would be 30% more attractive if he hadn’t lost his British accent. I think he would have been 30% more attractive had he not worn his lab coat. And the fact that he compared himself to McSteamy just proves that he is not ready for prime time love. #mcsorrydude
Status: No rose

Mikey T.
Age: 30
Occupation: Plumbing Contractor
Why you remember him:
Mikey immediately brings up a taboo topic and vows that even though he understands that family can be putzes, he admires the way she stood by her brother during hometown dates and if she needed him to make a call, Sean would be sleeping with the fishes by morning. Des explains that James has already offered to be her organized crime connection. Mikey T. orders a stiff drink and a horse head at the cocktail party. #leavetheguntakethecannoli
Status: Rose

Nick M.
Age: 27
Occupation: Investment Advisor
Why you remember him:
Nick read a poem to Des that managed to rhyme season with reason and emotion with ocean. Here’s hoping there’s more exciting conversations in their future. #rethinkingmynumberonepick
Status: Rose

Nick R.
Age: 26
Occupation: Tailor/Magician
Why you remember him:
Sadly, we’ll never know The Magician’s name when we think back to this season. He will forever go down in Bachelor history alongside the likes of The Weatherman and The Wrestler. He started out with a solid illusion by turning a paper rose into a real one! Things quickly went downhill from there. There was no hat. There was no rabbit. I’m unsure if anyone checked the freezer for a dead dove in a paper sack, but at one point things were looking up when he magically made a beer appear as if from nowhere. Then the cards came out and no magic in town could keep the eyes from rolling. #there’ssomethingupmysleeve
Status: No rose

Robert
Age: 30
Occupation: Advertising Entrepreneur
Why you remember him:
Not only is Robert not much of a neck tie guy, but he also claims to have invented the art of sign spinning. That’s right. The dude who proudly stands on a corner outfitted in a Statue of Liberty costume who is dancing with a sign that says “WE’LL DO YOUR TAXES” got all his moves from good ole’ Rob and his LA-based business partners. Rumor has it that his group is also the brains behind running in place when you have to pee and the tear strip advertisements popular among babysitters and unqualified movers. His favorite mode of transportation is skateboard. I know what you’re thinking and the answer is no. He does not have the panache of a One F Jef, but he does have a One Eyed Dog and he definitely gets extra points for that. #couldbeachach
Status: Rose

Will
Age: 28
Occupation: Banker
Why you remember him:
Will is a banker from Chicago who is super enthusiastic about hot yoga and high fiving random strangers.
Status: Rose

Zack K.
Age: 28
Occupation: Book Publisher
Why you remember him:
Zack wore a tux on top and Chucks on the bottom. I laughed when he told Des that he “hoped he would find her in there.” As if would get her confused with other tall, pretty girl wandering around in tin foil dresses with a rip on the train!
Status: Rose

Zak W
Age: 31
Occupation: Drilling Fluid Engineer
Why you remember him:
Zak thought it would be funny to step out of the limo without a shirt and ask Des if she would like to accept his set of abs. #barf  Opting to remain shirtless the entire cocktail party, he further humiliated himself later by stripping down to nothing and jumping in the pool to showcase his zany personality. One of the 17 contestants wearing a grey suit and purple tie swooped in and escorted Des away before Zak broke through the surface near the grotto. #brilliant   Later Des felt sorry for the chach and gave him a rose. He immediately pinned it to his belt.
Status: Rose

Six guys walked home without roses while 19 remained. According to promos, this promises to be a season full of love, a dude in tiny red shorts in the fetal position, someone on a stretcher, lots of mountains, a few sucker punches and too many tears to count! #WOOHOO

#allaboutthefamenottheshame,

Lincee

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