Bachelorette Recap: Bye, Bye, Bye Brooks

After a nine week journey that took her to amazing destinations around the world to find her one true love, Des unfortunately got the rug swept out from under her in Antigua. Clearly her “I’m running to the finish line” metaphor fell on deaf ears as a defeated looking Brooks confessed to Chris Harrison that he just didn’t feel anything in his heart for Des.

Welcome back to the starting gate Des.

But it was the final 40 minutes of the show that culminated into what is probably the most drawn out on-camera break up in the history of the world. Instead of an exotic date, Brooks drags Des over to a bench and proceeds to gently tell her that he’s just not that into her.

Since the moment lasted roughly the amount of time as a sociology 101 class at your local college, I thought it would be an interesting exercise to break down the break up in order to see if there are any life lessons we can take away from the torture. As I began to recall the various “what were you thinking!?” moments verses the “YOU GO GIRL!” interactions, I marveled at the length of my list. In my humble opinion, there were 11 different scenarios that I felt deserved discussing.

Then I thought, “I wonder how long a dude’s list would be? Would he even have a list?”

So I do what I do whenever I have a dude question: I run it by Some Guy in Austin.

Trust me. He’s opinionated. He’s honest. And he’s such a great communicator (even though sometimes I want to punch him in the throat AS EVIDENCED BY THIS POST) that we decided to launch a new section on each of our websites where we get to battle out a topic in the infamous “he said/she said” format.

We’d love for you to consider submitting a topic. Think about all of the craziness that went on during this season of The Bachelor as a jumping off point. What constitutes a clever ice breaker? Is it a good idea to take your shirt off so much? How long should you stay around after dumping the girl who just said she loved you? (Clue: do NOT use Brooks as your guide.) Shoot us an email and we’ll do our best to offer our creative insight. It’s going to be so much fun!

Now, where was I? Oh right. Brook is still breaking up with Des. Since that’s going to take F-O-R-E-V-E-R, I might as well clue you in on what happened with Drew and Chris.

Des’ “worst day of her entire life” takes place in Antigua. I was embarrassed for Des when she first mentioned the beautiful Caribbean island because she was pronouncing it wrong. Ann-tee-gah is how she said it. Everyone knows it’s Ann-tee-gwah. Then she said it again. Then Drew said it.

“Huh,” I thought. “Must be a Texas thing.” I wrote it off, likening it to the difference between Care-i-BE-an vs. Ca-RIB-ian. It wasn’t until Brooks, his mom, his sister, Our Host Chris Harrison, Our Contestant Chris, the locals and a quick check with Wikipedia that I discovered I’ve been saying it wrong my entire life.

First life lesson learned. The Car-i-BE-an island of Ann-tee-GAH is not pronounced Ann-tee-gwah. Good to know.

DREW’S EXOTIC DATE
Let the record show that I have never been in Drew’s camp. I think Des’ thinks he’s pretty, is a good kisser and is…pretty. But you could tell from the first time Drew reminded her, again, that he loved her, she was not feeling it. Which was unfortunate because he had no problem telling Des he loved her an average of five times per hour. He loved her while exploring the island in the Jeep. He loved her while taking a self portrait with the digital camera. He loved her while buying trinkets that they would one day (not) display in their future home. He loved her mid-limbo. He loved her while cheating during the limbo. And he loved her sitting cross-legged at a picnic. I think they made out so much so he couldn’t technically have an opportunity to say it again. Poor Drew.

On their way to dinner, it starts to sprinkle and Drew decides to make the best of the unpredictable moment by sweeping her into his arms so they can make out in the rain. Nice. Of course, Des keeps her umbrella over her own head and puckers through the process. “DROP THE STUPID UMBRELLA!” I screamed to the silly girl in the television. She didn’t. Instead, she suggested they skip all the formalities and head straight to the fantasy suite since their outdoor beach dinner was ruined.

They burst into the room and you can barely see the ABC Intern ducking behind the couch. He’s never lit so many candles and haphazardly sprinkled so many rose petals this fast in his entire career. Drew leads her to the bedroom to sit cross legged again, and spells out his love for her in great detail.

Drew: “How do you feel? How do you think the future looks?”
Des: “Things are looking good. I feel good about the future.”
Lincee: “PS Drew…you’re not in it. Her future that is.”

Details.

CHRIS’ EXOTIC DATE
Not only was the date exotic, but the sand-colored suede fringe vest swimsuit “cover-up” that Des was wearing was just as striking. I found it curious that she paired her barely there top with linen pants. Gypsy on the top…clam bake in the Hamptons on the bottom.

Details.

Des arranges for a helicopter to take them to their own private island where they dine on the beach with a basket full of green apples and Hawaiian Punch. Chris is so confident that he and Des share the same feelings of love that he will stop at nothing to prove it to anyone and everyone watching. How does he do it? He pulls Des down to the edge of the water and makes out with her From Here to Eternity style. This lasted for several minutes, because remember, we’re taking an hour’s worth of drama and stretching it into four hours over two weeks. Instead of hiding uncomfortably behind my couch cushion due to the dry humping splashed across my screen in high definition, I began giggling, as the waves crashed into their lower halves.

I can hear the director now.

ABC: “CUT! Hey Chris. The waves are barely reaching your feet. Can you scoot down a bit?”

Chris obliges. He begins to make out with Des again when a giant waves swells around them, choking Des with gallons of salt water. Her eyes were closed in anticipation of said romantic kiss and she wasn’t expecting it.

After the Heimlich is successfully maneuvered, the pair take a moment to study the tide and then choose a spot that would be perfect for the spontaneous, romantic moment. The director calls action again before they lose the sun.

Over milkshakes at dinner, Chris asks Des if she would be willing to move to Seattle. In a roundabout way, she answers yes and he takes this as her sealing the deal that she’s in this to be with him just as much as he wants to be with her, but the bigger question is what in the world was that background noise? Was the ABC Intern taking a few turns on a rickety old merry-go-round? Was there a rusty weather vane under the table? Does the fancy Antigua hotel churn their own butter out on the porch? Inquiring minds want to know.

She presents him with the forgo card to the fantasy suite. He’s super excited to just chill and spend a relaxing evening with her watching the stars. And making out in a hot tub. And, say it with me,

Reading poetry.

An acoustic guitar symbolizing Chris’ artistic side strums in the background. Part of me was nervous that ABC had flown Zak in to create a mood. The other half was wondering if Random Artists We Don’t Know was about to saunter out onto the patio for another infamous private concert. Every part of me was thankful that ABC included a musical soundtrack so I would know how to feel at this moment.

And I feel that without musical accompaniment, Drew is in third place.

Say it with me…

Stay golden Ponyboy.

BROOKS EXOTIC DATE
Newsflash: Brooks is struggling with his feelings (or lack thereof) and is questioning if Des is the right woman for him. He travels to Idaho to ask his Mom and his sister what he should do and both answer, “Do not propose. If you’re not feeling it tell her. Tell her quickly. It’s going to hurt, but better now than later.”

He flies to Antigua and pretty much asks Our Host Chris Harrison the same thing. Chris gives the exact advice as the mom and the sister. Except he stretches his mentoring moment into a 10 minute session, asking variations of the question, “Are you sure?” which takes an emotional toll on Brooks.

Naturally, ABC chooses this moment to show Des dressing in her tiniest bikini, Build-A-Bear shorts she borrowed from Ashley and a t-shirt that looks like a cannon ball has been shot through the middle, offering very little covering in the mid-section region, which, let’s face it, is the purpose of wearing a cover-up.

Wardrobe choices aside, there were other things that went ENTIRELY WRONG during this exchange. As I stated earlier, I decided to watch with an anthropological eye. Here’s what I learned:

RIP THE BAND-AID
After seeking wise counsel from Chris Harrison, his mother and his sister, all mentors encouraged Brooks to just tell Des the truth. Make it quick. Know that she’s going to be hurt. Just do it and deal with the results. I appreciate the fact that he didn’t make Des go on the entire romantic date before dropping the bomb in the fantasy suite, but his decision to shower her with adoration for 20 minutes before getting to the “but” of his soliloquy was extremely painful. She was crying within seconds of his speech. She knew. Which made it even more weird when he asked …

“WHY ARE YOU CRYING?”
What a moron. I may have shouted at my TV. Des throws caution to the wind and answers, “Because I love you!” to which Brooks follows up with the head scratching inquiry, “Then why didn’t you tell me?” Dude. It’s the ONE RULE in Bachelor Nation. You’re not allowed to share your feelings!

WATCH YOUR BODY LANGUAGE
Des’s emotions were all over the map (as they should be), ranging from shock, heart break to a bit agitated. I can understand why Brooks was confused because her leg was crossed over his leg, gently resting in his crotch region. You can’t say “NO” with your eyes and “YES” with your calf muscle. Des realized this and assumed a vertical fetal position, thereby balancing the physical with the emotional display.

REFRAIN FROM HUGGING THE INJURED PARTY
I was proud of Des for rejecting Brooks’ affection. Once the vertical fetal position was achieved, she would shrug off his attempts to hug and console her. She did go in for the death grip after the walk back to the cabanas, but I think that was more of a final goodbye than an attempt to change his mind.

ONE “I’M SORRY” IS SUFFICIENT
Brooks said he was sorry about nine times. Although I felt it was genuine, it actually makes the moment worse. Saying you don’t want to leave is even more confusing.

WALK AWAY
Rip the Band-Aid, say your peace and then move on. Brooks didn’t need to hold her. He didn’t need to offer her a shoulder to cry on. Instead of removing himself from the situation, he lingered. Then he ugly cried.

ALWAYS WEAR WATERPROOF MASCARA
Des weathered the devastation beautifully. Brooks did not. After running his fingers through his hair in frustration, he ended up looking like a mad scientist. When Des rushed to the pier for some alone time to cry it out, he completely lost all composure and let the flood gates open. I believe he genuinely felt bad for hurting her and will probably turn down ABC’s offer to make him the next bachelor.

DON’T GO DOWN THE INSECURITY PATH
Des had every reason to cry and every reason to be upset. I think it was fine that she told him he was essentially the winner (because she would always wondered “what if” if she hadn’t). I just wish she hadn’t told him that she was used to being alone. There was a moment when I thought she was going to open a can on him and go all West Virginia Hood Rat, but she reeled the emotion in. You could almost see her inner dialog warning her that THIS IS NATIONAL TELEVISION AND WILL BE ON YOUTUBE FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

GIVE US SUBTITLES ABC
How are we supposed to know what they are whispering if you don’t give us sub-titles? I almost missed the part where Brooks asked her, “What are you going to do?”

DON’T ASK WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?
Poor Brooks was hoping for Des to answer that she was madly in love with Chris and it didn’t matter that he was hopping on a plane in an hour. Instead, Des breaks down and reminds him that he broke her heart, but she STILL loves him. She arrives at the fork in the road where Brooks should turn left to go to his cabana. They embrace. He smells her hair. She stalks off to the pier.

KUDOS TO ABC FOR NOT FOLLOWING HER
I thought for sure they would stick the camera in her face as her love journey came tumbling down around her, and she would be forced to jump in the water to escape the lens and possibly drown the shirt. That didn’t’ happen. Instead, they took some cool artistic shots of her sobbing, while Brooks loses the ability to stand and is forced to put his head between his legs, due to the onset of hyperventilation, right there in the middle of the resort.

So where to do we go from here? Clearly Des can’t choose Chris or Drew at this point. And if she did, I bet she had A LOT of explaining to do after last night’s episode aired. My guess is that she lets both guys go next week, and then there’s a private “live” abbreviated “Men Tell All” in which Brooks must face the music.

What do you guys think? Will Des find true love at the end of this journey? Or will she start dating someone from the Bachelor reunions? Will Brooks, Drew or Chris be in the running for the next bachelor? Sound off in the comments! No spoilers please!

Also, send me your questions for the “he said/she said” dual post with Some Guy in Austin. Hopefully, we’ll get something up this week for you guys to enjoy!

All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee

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