Bachelorette Recap: Crank Back Three Times

I have to congratulate ABC for truly going the distance during the group date. Asking the whitest of white guys to channel their inner rap artist was pure gold. And I commend Soulja Boy (not a typo) for having the unfailing strength, unwavering ability and unending spirit to neither laugh nor cry during his mentoring sessions on how to be thug. I smell an Emmy nomination!

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SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you liked on Twitter happen to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the nail stylist or bowing instructor of someone who is obsessed with the fictional life and devastating death of Matthew Crawley like me and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

The theme this week was clearly all about role playing. Keeping with the gangsta theme, I’ve decided to celebrate using “Nuthin’ But a G Thang” as my inspiration. One, two, three and to the fo’. Snoop Doggy Dogg and Dr. Dre is at the do’!

Grammar issues aside, I’m sure the good Doctor and Mr. Dogg (not a typo) are going to be pleased as punch to hear that after 20 years, I’m building bridges between rap and “The Bachelorette.” Holla! #whereismysarcasticfont?

G is For Good Fella
No, this is not the section where I take a sharp left and start rambling on about the day Mikey T. finally gets respect from the Family is the day they start calling him Michael and taking meetings in seedy bars. (That random rant comes later. You’re welcome.)

This section is more about vernacular. Allow me to explain. Did anyone else notice that the word “fella” was used three times in the opening montage? We see Shirtless Zak, wearing a tight fitting tee, walking alongside his fellow equally clad tight fitting tee mansion mates, checking out their new digs. Mikey T. dropped a “fella” and so did the Federal Prosecutor. Mere moments later, Our Host Chris Harrison beckons for the “fellas” to join him in the sunken living room.

Could “fella” be the new “bro” or “dude?” This may be something that is extremely common in the North, but I think I might have to make it happen below the Mason-Dixon Line. I mean if Harrison has embraced it, shouldn’t we all?

The fellas all gather around to hear the same spiel that Harrison has recited for the last 20 seasons. They seemed very fidgety, pulling at their colorful, deep, plunging v-necks. I can’t really blame them. They had to be in awe because they were in the presence of a master. I bet the pheromones of Harrison causes temporarily paralysis. He probably smells like worn leather, wrought iron and victory. Why do I have a sudden urge to watch a John Wayne movie while drinking a whiskey?

Something else I noticed during Harrison’s speech was the amount of product that these guys use in their hair. Clearly this season is sponsored by L.A. Looks. And judging by next week’s promo, each fella also scored the girly tank top (the one Ryan wore during Emily’s season) in their welcome bag. #thanksjcrew

G is for Groom
Brooks

Long-haired Brooks was the lucky recipient of the first date card and Des decided that the quickest way to land a man was to make him dress up like a groom as she tried on wedding gowns. To prove that he is totally down with Des’ wackiness, Brooks chooses a solid green tuxedo worn by dozens of Kermit the Frog lovers and theater geeks around the world. She giggles in all the right places as he refrains from rolling his eyes. #matchmadeinheaven

Des: “I really feel like we’re newlyweds!”
Brooks: “Does anyone know how to tie a bow tie?”
Lincee: “I don’t get this.  It’s a good thing Brooks is so pretty.”

Next stop? A wedding cake food truck, because those exist outside of the Vegas strip apparently. Des and Brooks feed each other as a gaggle of onlookers cheer and one lady cries. I’m so confused. Mostly from the randomness of it all, but a little bit by the serious piece of man jewelry Brooks was sporting on his right ring finger. Who does he think he is? A Good Fella? #circlingback

Des and Brooks hike up to the Hollywood sign in a monkey suit and a billowy gown from the $200 rack at David’s Bridal. They talk about the wistfulness of LA and how Des moved there to fulfill her dreams. I hope it works out for her. Otherwise she’ll be forced to walk the corner from Bob Hope down to Ella Fitzgerald with nothing but a safety pin to hold up her boot. Unless, of course, someone in a Lotus Espirit pulls up needing directions and changes her life forever. The pseudo newlyweds make out on the second “L” as the sun sets.

Later Brooks was concerned when Des insisted he help her schlep aside a traffic barrier that read “DO NOT ENTER” which was clearly in position to keep powder blue Bentleys from meandering down shady streets. The filthy graffiti everywhere did not go unnoticed by Brooks and he was confident that street youths would be eager to exchange four car tires for cinder blocks. Unbeknownst to him, she had arranged for the ABC intern to string up a couple of chandeliers and an intimate table for two on a random bridge in East Compton.

Brooks opened up about his parents’ divorce, cried a little bit and then thanked Des for planning such an amazing date. Des faked an alarmed look and asked if he heard anything. Concerned for his life, he hit the deck and began Army crawling back to the Bentley when Des assured him that the only danger he was in was that he might be arrested for having too much fun. That’s right! Andy Grammer (not a typo) gathered his band to sing his big hit “Keep Your Head Up” and was thoughtful enough to roll out a Turkish carpet for the duo to dance on. It was appropriately awkward, but way better than being on a box as a bunch of strangers stand around you swaying to the beat of Fill-In-The-Blank-Artist as in seasons past. At least Brooks was smart enough to kiss her when they both grew weary from flailing about around minute two. #rose

G is for Gangsta
Dan
Juan Pablo
Shirtless Zak
Will
Bryan
Drew
James
Mikey T.
Other Zack
Nick
Federal Prosecutor
Brandon
Ben
#HASHTAG
Let’s call a spade a spade, people. The group date was horrific. Absolutely horrific. My secret hope is that the entire hot mess was the brainchild of Chris Harrison. I like to think that he was sitting around at the last rose ceremony, Tweeting to his heart’s content, when an executive producer approached him, asking if he had any ideas for the first group date.

Harrison: “Easy. Invite 14 guys to forgo their hair products, put them in embarrassing outfits that we promise are legit gangsta attire but are secretly cast off costumes from “Magic Mike,” and make them rap about the most ludicrous past contestants on the show. Off the top of my head, I’d recommend the d-bag country singer, the chach who tattooed his arm, the wrestler and Mesnick because there are balconies everywhere.”

Executive: “But none of us know how to rap.”

Harrison: “I have Soulja on speed dial. I can have him here in 24 hours. He owes me.”

Soulja and Des greeted the entourage in front of a mansion and told them that they would be making a rap video. This seemed to excite everyone. Soulja mentored four guys (Brandon, Ben, Michael and Mikey T) to be featured lyricists while the others attempted to hip hop in the background. Per Harrison’s suggestion, all were dressed in items found in the local community theater costume closet. There was a dude in armor (thank you, cast off from last week!), one in a rain coat I believe, He Who Must Not Be Named, a little kid, the token shirtless guy and a fella rockin’ a t-shirt and vest — sans pants.

All learned the lyrics to a song called “Here for the Right Reason” as Des rapped in her bikini. Brandon used the phrase “jiggle my junk” as ABC politely covered his nether regions with a modesty black box.

I will not attempt to describe how uncomfortable I was during this entire 30 minute interlude. There were not enough couch cushions to hide behind. We got a taste of the finished product at the end of the episode as the credits rolled. The entire video is available on ABC.com, which makes me sad for those people because you can’t erase the Internet. #fingerscrossedforiTunesrelease #SARCASTICFONT

Des changes into her after party hot pink cocktail dress and is immediately whisked away by Shirtless Zak. His goal? To convince her that there’s more to him that being that shirtless guy. #sorrydude

Shirtless Zak is a self-proclaimed romantic. He gives Des an antique journal he found shopping with his Mom. Des is overwhelmed by the thoughtfulness, yet all I could think about was how sad “Dad” must be that “Cara” never wrote her wishes in this dream journal.

Later, pantless Brandon told the camera that love is a butterfly. Again, my brain was distracted thinking about how Pat Benetar had it all wrong all these years. We are young. Heartache to heartache we stand. No promises, no demand. Love is a butterfly.

Next, Mikey T. complains that Brody’s Dad Ben totally swooped him. Apparently this is happening, because the phrase “got swooped” was issued forth no less than five times. #trademarkpending This perpetuated the first of several conversations among the fellas that Ben is not there for the right reasons. #pleaserefrainfromrapping

Ben takes her away to talk about his kid, his good looks and to hopefully stick his tongue down her throat. He flirts that his plan was to kiss her during his ghetto cowboy scene, but he was afraid his ten gallon would get in the way. Des sops it up like a biscuit and they make out as Brandon creeps in the shadows.

Once Ben is back, Mikey T. asks for some alone time. With Ben…not the bachelorette. He wants to air out their differences. Ben distracted him with a shiny object and ends up complimenting his shoes. Mikey T. incorrectly translates this to mean that they are total BFFs now. Best Fellas Forever.

Brandon slinks out from the shadows long enough to tell Des he doesn’t come from money and he raised his brother and sister all by himself because his Dad was gone and his Mom wasn’t well. He follows that heavy story up with, “If this works out, I can’t wait to come home to you and just love you.”

Let the record show he was wearing pants during this exchange. Sadly, Ben gets the date rose because she thinks he’s there for the right reasons and will be for more than four seasons. #helpme

G is for Gentleman
Bryden

Des’ second one-on-one date was with soldier boy (not a typo) Bryden. He is still a favorite of mine, not only because want to sing “God Bless America” every time he is on the screen, but I have to admire someone who can resist the urging of other metrosexual men to NOT give in to using their hair gel. STAY STRONG BRYDEN!

Des picked him up for a road trip, which was great for Bryden because he’d never been to California. I loved the way he got excited at the popcorn when they stopped for snacks. She took him to the beach to try (unsuccessfully) to fly a kite before writing D+B=HEART in the sand. Then they had an illegal picnic in an orange orchard before going to have dinner at a spa.

Here Bryden shared that he was in a terrible car accident years ago. He explained through a series of photos he had conveniently stashed away in his pocket, that the accident resulted in 100+ staples in his head and shoulders, several cracked/broken bones and an even more determined will to serve in the military once he was better. His motto is to live life to the fullest because you never know when your time is up. He admitted that the Army has been a way for him to hide from relationships, but he’s ready to get back out there.

Des was also ready. Ready to get him in a hot tub so she could check out his pecs. I was hoping for a moderately hairy chest, but no such luck. They swished about, making small talk. Des was TOTALLY giving my boy the green light and he was just not taking the bait. Finally, she told him to KISS HER ALREADY and he dove in. Let the record show that she would not have done that if he wasn’t a perfect gentleman. It was adorable. #teambryden

SIDE BAR
My favorite Twitter of the night was the dude who wrote, “The tweets at the bottom of the screen are annoying.” #amen #ilikeyou

G is for Girl
At the rose ceremony, Federal Prosecutor has a huge reveal. Get ready, because this has never been covered in ANY season of the franchise. Are you listening? He has type 1 diabetes. And just as he’s about to go into great detail of what this means for his potential wife, he gets swooped™. By Ben.

Look, I understand that Ben is the resident villain.He “isn’t here for the right reasons” and likes to stir up trouble by swooping. I get that. The fact that he swooped when he already had a safety rose floored both the Prosecutor and Mikey the Knife, which is weird because this is Season 20 and have they never seen this show before because THIS IS HOW YOU PLAY THE GAME FELLAS. Both tried to be mature about it by talking about Ben behind his back, throwing him under the bus and then airing things out in private while the other “family” guy guarded the door. I wanted someone to write about it in the Burn Book but that never happened. Neither did fetch. #needatampon?

Meanwhile, Ben is charming Des by telling her that he loves seeing her smile. Then he rambles on about having a secret. “What’s that?” she coyly inquires. “I know what an amazing kisser you are.”

#blech

I would have given her a million dollars that I don’t have to answer, “Well so does soldier boy (not a typo) and Brooks, but who’s counting?”

The Federal Prosecutor claims that Ben can’t handle the truth when he returns from smooching with Des. He sighs audibly when he asks him for some alone time and nods along when told that he rubs people the wrong way in the mansion. Mikey T. yanks off his BeFe side of the heart necklace in solidarity before stalking back inside.

A random brunette fella picks Des up to prove he can carry things far before admitting that he just got out of a relationship two months ago. #seeya

Harrison soon arrives to put everyone out of their misery by clinking his favorite champagne flute. He’s dressed in smoldering grey and probably smells like fresh wood carvings and power tools. Des quickly hands roses to:

Ben
Brooks
Soldier Boy (not a typo) Bryden
James
HASHTAG
Dan Don Draper
Juan Pable
Silent Brad
Chris
Shiny Forehead Brian
Shirtless Zak
Other Zack
Drew
Mikey The Knife.
Federal Prosecutor
Creepy Brandon

Robert was left spinning a sign in the driveway. Will didn’t high five a single person upon his exit and Nick was an epic fail on my part because I had him picked from the beginning. #teambrydenincaseyouforgot

What did y’all think? Why was Brandon bottomless? Is he a legit creeper? Have you looked at the rap video yet? Did you poke your eyeballs out as a result? What do you think Harrison smells like? Sound off in the comment section below!

All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee

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