Bachelorette Recap: That’s W-H-A-C-K

Bachelorette Recap: Rachel Episode 4 

With all of the Bachelor in Paradise rumors flooding news outlets and social media last week, along with the omission our Monday night train wreck thanks to the NBA finals, I’m glad ABC producers launched this week’s show with a significant recap of Rachel’s three-week journey to find love. Having so many “TO BE CONTINUED” slates popping up at the end of every episode, I can barely recall who’s still in the game versus who has been kicked to the curb. What’s Wolverine’s real name? Has Adam Jr.’s dad gone home? Who’s that smart guy acting like a normal person in the corner? Sometimes I can’t even remember the shade Our Host Chris Harrison’s piercing blue eyes.

I’m totally joking. I could never forget that they are the same color as the Arabian Sea after a storm.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER

The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you Snap happen to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the Starbucks barista who obsessed with Poldark and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

Here’s a quick summary on where we currently stand:

Eric is upset that his name is in Lee’s mouth. Lee is our high-haired villain, who admits to the camera that he enjoys getting under everyone’s skin. To prove his point, he interrupts his bro Kenny the Wrestler’s time with Rachel. Kenny asks for sixty more seconds. Lee obliges, but stands there and counts down like a total jack wagon. Rachel is completely distracted.

Lee finally wiggles into the conversation. When Kenny leaves, Lee prompts his upcoming story by stating that what Rachel is about to hear is “very sad.” Then he pulls out a knife.

My first thought was that Lee was about to shank Rachel. My second thought was that Lee probably already clipped a few guys inside the mansion, including Adam Jr., who Lee repurposed as a pillow. The ABC Intern should have been on to him when he requested a needle and thread.

Although my imagination is intense, Lee’s gesture was not. He presents Rachel with a short piece of lumber with the word “enchanting” sloppily carved in the wood. The knife would have been a better gift.

Meanwhile, Male Model Brady encourages Dean, who considers Lee “intolerable,” to respect the fact that everyone is different. We all have different quartz. Wait…different quarks. No, that’s not it. Jack Stone offers a “cork,” but the three dudes know that can’t be right either. Corks are the free gifts included with every one-on-one to be utilized in memory jars should bachelors make it to fantasy week.

Note: None of these guys participated in the Spelling Bee challenge.

Outside on the stoop where front-runners go for more privacy, Bryan invites Rachel to be vulnerable. Like any woman who has ever been burned by a pretty package with a not-so-pretty heart, Rachel admits that Bryan’s charm scares her. Could he be too good to be true? Bryan answers with some fairytale nonsense and then snogs her face off. I’m not sure about this guy anymore.

Rachel moves on to Wolverine, but their time together is disrupted by Kenny shouting at Lee for boxing him out with finger counting earlier in the night. This is exactly what Lee wants to happen. He CALMLY bates Kenny into a one-sided shouting match.

Later, in Rachel’s head interview, cracks on this fragile woman begin to show. She confides that she is disappointed in the guys’ behavior. Then a tear falls. She further explains that, “Being a black woman…I didn’t want to get into all of this…I know what people will say about me…They will judge me for my decisions.”

I felt sad that Rachel was let down by her cast. She just wants a normal season. The woman also cries beautifully. Have you ever seen anyone weep with such grace? That’s beside the point. Harrison is called in to save the day. He tells Rachel he can facilitate anything she wants, and that includes cutting this rose ceremony short. So she does and hands roses to:

Mr Clean Anthony
Brother Russia Alex
Eric
Will
Dean
Tickle Monster
Peter
Adam / Adam Jr.
Bryan
Penguin Matt
Josiah
Jack Stone
Iggy
Kenny
Lee

Diggy and his bowtie of many colors is sent home with Wolverine and Male Model. There’s no time for sad interviews or grand champagne toasts. Pack your bags, people, because we’re going to Hilton Head, South Carolina!

ONE-ON-ONE
Dean
“Our love is about to take off!”

After Rachel perches on the top of a ship like Jack Sparrow, she puts on her cutest embroidered jacket and fetches Dean from the boys’ suite at their resort hotel. Then she puts Dean in the driver’s seat of a Jeep Wrangler and I SWOON!

A man in a Jeep = hot hot hot hot hot

They pop some champagne (C-H-A-M-P-A-G-N-E) and settle on the hood of the off-road vehicle. Dean notices the Goodyear blimp off in the distance. It takes him a while to figure out that the blimp is slowly puttering their way. Rachel squeals when the electronic sign reads, “Rachel and Dean…your ride is here.” Dean looks like he’s going to puke.

As my friend Susan says, “Never put your true phobia down on the official ABC interview form. They will make you do it.” Exactly. Lie and say you’re scared of puppies and chocolate.

Dean and Rachel make their way to the blimp. I choose to overlook Dean’s short version of Nick’s super tight skinny jeans. I applaud that they were purple. Brother Russia Alex does too.

Rachel tries to assuage the lump rising in Dean’s throat by likening the blimp to riding in a bus. Dean isn’t having it. Especially when she commandeers the co-pilot’s seat and starts dive bombing the blimp toward the very hard ground below. She insists Dean take the seat, noting that he will regret it for the rest of his life if he doesn’t. Dean obliges and has an awesome time.

I’d like to salute the ABC Intern for somehow manipulating the back end of the blimp into a make out pod. Additional glory will be bestowed on him for suggesting the contestants in the suite take a gander out the giant window just in time to see the blimp’s electronic sign read, “Rachel and Dean 4-evah.”

Clearly a millennial wrote that message. My money is on Dean.

That night, Dean escorts Rachel to dinner under a tree with gorgeous dangling lights. It was so pretty, but instead of searching for this look on Pinterest, I became agitated by Dean’s white pants. His denim, white pants.

Y’all, I couldn’t concentrate. I’m of the mindset that men wear white pants only when they are on a beach somewhere tropic and the material is linen. In my vision, they are never denim. But Dean is one of those guys who is just so likable, that my heart wants to give him a pass on what I consider to be a wardrobe malfunction. What do you think?


The next several minutes consist of Dean sharing a tremendously painful story about his mother’s battle with cancer. He lost her ten years ago and has never shared as much detail with anyone in the world as he does with Rachel. She thinks this is endearing. My watching party this it is a bit of a red flag. What I will say is that for the guys who are ragging on Dean for being way too young for Rachel, this experience clearly matured him. We shall see.

Rachel rewards his vulnerability with a semi-private concert by country music artist Russell Dickerson, whose high hair is worse than Lee’s. The pair step up onto a mini platform (sponsored by Home Depot: the same folks who provide final rose ceremony pedestals) and make out in front of the dozens of people watching through their cell phone devices.

This is when I definitely decided to forgive the white pants. My boy Dean can kiss.

Arie would be proud.

GROUP DATE
“I want to see who is ready for commitment.”
Brother Russia Alex
Mr. Clean Anthony
Peter
Bryan
Tickle Monster
Adam Jr.’s Dad
Penguin Matt
Kenny the Wrestler
Lee
Iggy
Eric
Will
Josiah

Rachel is on a boat. Her cold top-half turquoise “blouse” flows in the wind like her hair extensions. Instead of man bunning like Brother Russia Alex, Rachel steals the captain’s hat, instructs the dudes to leave the drama behind, and serves everyone a colorful drink.

It was crazy. Like the straws.

The dance party begins, and Iggy is the first in the center of the circle. Bless his heart. When the boys started chanting, “GO TICKLE, GO TICKLE!” I laugh. Peter plays it safe and pulls Rachel away for some quality bow of the ship Titanic time. Josiah Daniel Graham, Esquire does a few push-ups with Rachel on his back. Adam Jr.’s dad is having a lovely time.

Then there was the rap battle.

Nope. No, no, no, no, nope. I just can’t do it, yet here we are. Peter is full-on rapping, rhyming the word “heart” with “fart.”

Peter is in my top four. Just like a few weeks ago when I was frustrated that he wore a Mr. Rogers sweater to Ellen’s neighborhood, I’m baffled by the fact that he can’t think of another word to rhyme with heart. “Art” should have been an easy one. Or perhaps the ever-appropriate “smart?”

Speaking of smart, Rachel next stop for her boys is a pier where ABC hosts its first ever Bachelor Nation Spelling Bee.

My. Worst. Nightmare.

Mama has always been puzzled why I never learned how to spell. I don’t blame anyone but my own brain. It just doesn’t fire that way and has never come naturally. I am forever grateful that I live in a day and age where spell check is a thing. Otherwise, I’d look exactly like some of the guys nervously sweating on that stage.

Harrison is there to move things along. He serves as master of ceremonies, looking crisp and debonaire in non-white pants. He explains the rules (correctly spell the word or you’re out) and introduces the pre-pubescent female judges named Dani, Pearl, and Josie. Let the spelling begin!

The first words are pretty easy. Squirt, passion, caress, schmuck, and euphoric. Kenny the Wrestler is stumped by champagne, followed by Iggy who spells Bordeaux like the wine, instead of boudoir like the bedroom. One by one, the guys drop like flies.

Our Host Chris Harrison asks the young ones to use their earmuffs for the next word: coitus. First of all, inappropriate. Second of all, I’d like for the record to show that I know how to spell this word thanks to Sheldon Cooper and the Star Wars episode of season nine. Mama was so proud.

Peter’s mama is not proud (or maybe she is?) when he is unable to spell the word coitus, even after Rachel used it in a sentence. A very personal sentence. I guarantee her Federal Judge dad is having a hard time with this one.

Josiah is given the word “stunning” and Mr. Clean Anthony incorrectly spells “boutonniere” (thank you autocorrect.) In the end, Josiah beats Will by spelling “polyamorous” and basks in the glory of his plastic gold winner’s cup.

Josiah really lays it on thick at the after party. He even drinks his cocktail from the huge winner’s cup. He rides the high of this victory so hard that he can’t hear the insults over all his confidence. After all, you can’t spell “awesome” without the word “me.’

Peter is the first to whisk Rachel away. Their conversation is in the “this or that” stage. Meaning, would you rather walk around with bare feet or socks? Peter interjects that it’s hard to go barefoot in Wisconsin, but that’s what heated floors are for. Rachel is impressed that this Etsy shop small business owner has heated floors. SO FANCY! Peter corrects her. He doesn’t have heated floors, but he would get them if she wanted them.

This leads Rachel to her next logical question: Are you trying to make me come to Wisconsin? Would you ever leave?

Rachel, don’t you remember having this exact same conversation at the dog spa? Yes, Peter would leave for the right reasons, right reasons. But the bigger question is would she come to America’s Dairyland? (I Googled that.)

Well, she is licensed to practice law in Wisconsin. SCORE! And she does seem to like Peter’s socks of many colors that Diggy gifted him before he left. So much kinetic energy!

Eric gets some alone time after Peter. Rachel likes him. He likes that she likes cleaning the house. He also likes hugs, and kisses. Enter awkward kiss. It wasn’t Freddy P. awkward, but it was no Dean. Good for Eric for taking control in the moment.

Next up is the pot stirrer known as Iggy. This guy B-U-G-S. He claims to be protective of Rachel, so he snitches on the people who he feels are disingenuous. This week, he doesn’t like Josiah.

After tattling to Rachel, Iggy tells Joe that Rachel asked about the tension in the house, so he came clean and told her it was Josiah’s attitude.

  • Rachel did not ask that.
  • This is the exact same thing he said about Eric the week before.
  • I’m a little bored.
  • I agree with Josiah: Iggy feels that by disclosing his snitching behavior nullifies what he just said to Rachel. You don’t get a cookie for that!

To quote Kenny, it’s whack.

Meanwhile, Lee is back to buttering Rachel up like biscuit. He loves that she thinks he is positive and genuine, because some people come across as disingenuous.

Too bad this word-of-the-day toilet paper term wasn’t one of the spelling bee selections.

Rachel brings up the fact that she heard his fiery conversation with Kenny the rose ceremony before. Lee drives the bus up, gets out, throws Kenny under it, and then drives off by saying that Kenny became aggressive with him just because he stole Rachel away. During his interview, he calls Kenny a 220-pound ballerina and asks the audience to pray for Kenny, claiming he didn’t do anything but report what honestly happened.

Naturally, Rachel wants to get to the bottom of this. After Kenny raps to her (I wanted to scream NOT AGAIN until he rhymed “attorney” with “journey” — NICE!), she politely asks him to keep in 100 in the Lee department.

Kenny defends himself. Lee was giving him super shade. Rachel lets him know that she talked to Lee and he used the word “aggressive.” Is that true?

Kenny owns up to the fact that Lee did push his buttons and he shouldn’t have allowed himself to get caught up in the moment. Rachel wonders why Lee would say such a thing about Kenny. Kenny offers that maybe Lee is a liar.

At this time, Bryan comes to steal Rachel away. Kenny is annoyed that he spent all of his alone time talking about Lee and how he thinks Kenny is a dangerous man. In all honesty, he DID yell at Lee. However, aggressive is a strong word. Not as strong as disingenuous, but you get my drift.

Kenny begins pacing and I get nervous. I will him through the TV to remain calm. He saunters up to Lee, puts his big hand on Lee’s shoulder and asks him for a chat. Lee is LIVID. Will claims that he’s not going to get involved unless someone throws a punch. Adam Jr.’s dad is freaking out.

And according to scenes from next week’s episode, Kenny ends up with a bloody eye.

I’m calling misleading footage on this one. There’s no way Lee punches Kenny. If I had to guess, I’d say it was a wayward elbow to the face during some group date challenge. Perhaps he falls out of the top bunk?

Do you have any guesses? And what about Jack Stone’s one-on-one. We didn’t even get to see it! Was this episode sluggish to you? Or are you still rooting for your favorites? Right now, I’m all about Mr. Clean, sometimes Josiah, Will, Dean, Peter, and Bryan.

I fear Adam Jr.’s days are numbered.

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