Bachelorette Recap: Baby, It’s Cold Outside

Bachelorette Recap: Rachel Episode 7

I KNEW IT! Geneva, Switzerland is the perfect place to fall in love. It’s also the perfect place to ditch a couple of superfluous bachelors, as well as almost lose a digit to frostbite.

I’m getting ahead of myself.

As Rachel wanders the streets of Geneva, giddy that she has access to both a waterfront and mountains, she reflects on the importance of this week’s dates. The men left holding red rose boutonnieres will be the ones who will tour her around their hometowns and display awkward glances behind her back when family members inevitably tell embarrassing stories or say unruly things.

Matt (the penguin) is really excited for Rachel to meet his family. I’ll let you choose how you would like to respond to this statement:

A. You laugh, knowing that there’s no way Matt will be visiting Dallas anytime soon.
B. You ask your neighbor, “Who’s Matt?”

Rachel busts through the door of the lucky hotel chain owned by the woman who sits on the Geneva tourism board, not to be confused by the man who manages a chain of Breitling watch shops. She’s a vision in head-to-toe white and seems a bit annoyed that all the dudes just sit around when she enters a room. Either everyone is jet lagged, or our suitors are ready for their journey to find love to end.

As I survey the circle, I notice that Matt is wearing an old Levi blue jean jacket. I like it. Dean chooses a black hoodie with bright white strings around his neck. Odd. Peter is in one of the dozen old-man sweaters he packed for the trip, Adam Jr’s Dad is in stitches, and Eric is the only one with a jaunty scarf. Bryan is in a normal outfit until Rachel asks too him to “go get ready” since he is the recipient of the first of three one-on-one dates.

While Bryan changes into a shiny purple suit, Rachel explains that there will not be a rose ceremony this week. Instead, she’s going to hand out four roses to four different men during four different dates. Three one-on-one dates and one three-man group date.

Interesting. Are we to believe that Mike Fleiss heard our complaints about not having a rose ceremony, so he ditched them entirely to show us who’s boss? Did Our Host Chris Harrison suffer from pneumonia or a bad hair day and have to cancel his leg of the trip, therefore leaving us void of anyone to tell the gentlemen “this is the final rose?” Perhaps Rachel ran out of rose ceremony dresses?

I would bet the far more likely scenario is that our girl Rachel knew exactly who she wanted to send back to the United States, and home girl is T-I-R-E-D.

Rachel escorts Bryan to a Bentley parked out front with a sweet GoPro attached to the back. He claims he is blessed even before they arrive at the watch shop. Bryan shops for the perfect Breitling, choosing a certain one because he “likes black.” This makes Rachel giggle. Then she offers to gift him with said watch because he was in the right place at the right time, I assume for the right reasons.

He all but dry humps her right there in the Breitling watch shop in front of the Breitling salesman. THEY WERE HORIZONTAL ON A VELVET BENCH. Rachel does not seem to mind that ABC is shooting a convincing scene for a naughty Breitling advertisement and instead praises Bryan for being sexy and confident. Then she buys herself a female version of Bryan’s watch so they can match. And by “buy” I mean ABC traded the cost of a whimsical rose ceremony location so Rachel’s wrist could be blinged out as much as her fingers.

Meanwhile, Matt and Adam Jr’s Dad sit at a tiny ice cream table on the balcony of their suite so they can discuss how everyone else has had a one-on-one, except them. Adam Jr’s Dad is not happy because he sees them together. I presume these visions are in his dreams. Back inside, Peter and Dean discuss how Bryan has “spent the last 18 years sweet-talking women.”

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Bryan is a player? No way. (I typed that sentence using a sarcastic font.)

Later that night, Rachel takes Bryan to an opera house where they dine on food they never eat and talk about how cool they both are. He tells her that his mom put him in an all-boys private school because he wanted an earring. (Ten bucks says Bryan was a fan of Nick Carter.) She tells him that she was in a private school too. Bryan wants to know if she has a picture of herself in uniform. Although this question gives me severe acid reflux, Rachel busts out this little ditty and instructs Bryan to use his imagination:

Since Rachel and Bryan make out all the time, she attempts to have an adult conversation with the man who may be proposing to her in a couple of weeks. He admits that he had a serious girlfriend once upon a time, that he invited her to a wedding in Colombia, and they broke up shortly after. Also, his mom didn’t like her. The moral of the story is that he’s been down this road where there’s a hot and heavy relationship without much of a timeline, but he totally thinks his current circumstances will turn out waaaaayyyyy better than last time.

She feels the same and gives Bryan the rose. Then they kiss to wedding music while a candlestick that looks exactly like Lumiere glows in the background.

The next day, Rachel dons the cutest ice blue coat that I would scour the internet for if I lived in a climate that wasn’t like the surface of the sun. She asked Dean to join her in his Sunday best for the second one-on-one. Dean shows up in pants that are a little too short, complete with white socks so he doesn’t suffer from cold ankles. They attend Catholic mass in French with a bunch of extras ABC hired who were visiting the nearby L’horloge fleurie. (I Googled that.)

Dean continues to phone in a wacky performance, making Rachel laugh with spontaneous dancing in the street and silly questions. It’s clear he’s deflecting. On the outside, one may assume that Dean isn’t into Rachel. Their date feels like it was inspired by Will, with lots of scenic outlooks deafened by complete silence.

Rachel expects Dean to engage at lunch and is shocked by his insistent “Do you believe in the tooth fairy?” and “What’s your favorite dinosaur?” questioning.

Yes and T-Rex.

At dinner, Rachel puts down her fondue fork and demands that Dean admit that the day was weird and that he’s holding something back. Dean gives in and confesses that he feels weird because all the other guys are excited for Rachel to meet their families, but he’s not in that same camp. His mom died and his dad is…eccentric. It’s not going to be a fun experience, and he doesn’t want to be judged by his family’s actions.

Dean: “I wish you could see my family from 2000-2015, not the one who abandoned me in the most important parts of my life.”

Tears.

Rachel explains to Dean that he is not there by accident. She wants to meet his family and the people who have made him the person he is today. She proves that by giving him a rose. Then he kisses her, he kisses her good, as they stand by a fountain that suggests certain innuendos to come.

Peter scores the third one-on-one date and celebrates by catching Rachel in a signature Jump & Straddle™. They take a helicopter to the top of the Alps so they can ride in a sled pulled by a bunch of snow dogs down to the bottom. Rachel and Peter assume a certified lamaze position (see photo above), bundle up, and mush down the mountain.

Why ABC chose to stop midway and force Peter and Rachel to have a picnic in the middle of the tundra is beyond me. There was literal frost collecting on Peter’s hair that was not a part of his attractive salt-and-pepper coif. Rachel’s teeth chatter and her body shakes. I’m not sure why Peter didn’t do the gentlemanly thing and demand that the ABC Intern fetch him a tauntaun so he could cut it open and stuff Rachel inside to keep her from freezing to death. To amend the immortal words of Elsa, “The cold bothers the rest of us.”

In the end, they kept warm the old fashioned way — body heat.

At dinner, Peter tells Rachel about his family and how they will love her. Then he tells a story about a girl he left behind in a driveway because they were drifting apart. He was very emotional about hurting her. I think it was a subliminal call back to this mystery woman, just in case things with Rachel don’t work out. Time will tell.

Rachel takes the news in a different direction. For the first time this season, she realizes that the person she chooses to share her life with may not choose her back. Could this be Peter? She really likes him! She gives him the rose to prove it, hoping that it will be enough. He technically doesn’t respond with an “I love you,” but he admits he’s on that path and he wants to go deeper tonight. (Insert innuendo here.)

The next day, Rachel meets the three remaining dudes who will have to duke it out in a Swiss thunder dome to be the last man standing with a rose. Rachel chooses a slouchy beanie hat, large fluffy coat, and her favorite belly shirt as the perfect attire for the selection. I half expected Chile and T-Boz to pop out as the special musical group. They did not.

Rachel pops a bottle of champagne. Everyone needs the liquid courage. She reminds the boys that only one will get a rose. It’s strange and weird, but it’s reality. Adam Jr’s Dad takes this time to give an uplifting speech about how the word “difficult” is bad and should be replaced by the word “challenging.” We are all confused and take a sip.

Eric is first up with some alone time with Rachel. He comforts her, recognizing that this entire process is hard. He also reminds her that it is worth it.

Matt also comforts Rachel because she is a weeping hot mess by the time he gets to her. I saw all the signals, but sweet Matty did not. When she begins complimenting him left and right, praising him for being just like her, I realize the seconds on his knock off Breitling are numbered. Rachel wants him to be happy, is proud of him for being so patient, and then sends him home through sobbing tears.

I worry for Matty, as well as Rachel’s falsies. Both are overtired. Matty makes two bold moves in his final moments on the show. He passionately kisses Rachel and doesn’t hesitate taking his champagne flute with him straight into the back seat of the rejection limo.

Suddenly, we are all staring a dreaded two-on-one in the face.

Adam Jr’s Dad thinks he’s a shoe in for some reason. He even tells Rachel that a part of him is falling in love with her. When Rachel asks, “Which part?” I knew Adam Jr’s Dad’s fate. Pack up all of your props, Adam Jr., and fold yourself into the suitcase, because dad’s going home.

AJD: I am really excited for you to get to know my family. You will love my family! You will love their personalities! You will…
Lincee: Never meet them.

Rachel moves on to speak to Eric before making her final decision. Eric confesses that his hometown visit isn’t going to be all butterflies and rainbows either. He had a tough childhood. But he’s ready and willing to go the extra mile for Rachel.

She doesn’t answer because she fell asleep while he was talking. He doesn’t mind because Eric is ready to catch some Z’s too. Both rest in silence until the ABC Intern tells them Adam Jr’s Dad is getting antsy, sitting all by himself in the ballroom.

Eric gets the rose and Adam Jr’s Dad gets a reality check. He looks a touch drunk in the rejection limo, but his teeth are flawless.

The show ends with a few scenes from next week’s hometown dates. Of course, it appears that all hell has broken loose. Rachel makes a face when entering Eric’s home. Peter’s mom thinks he isn’t emotionally ready for marriage. Bryan doesn’t look like he is enjoying himself at RACHEL’S HOMETOWN (thanks for that spoiler) and sweet Dean’s father is so far past eccentric, that eccentric is a dot to him.

Did that Friends reference translate?

Photo By: ABC.com

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