Bachelorette Recap: The Pain in Spain

Bachelorette Recap: Rachel’s dudes meet the family!

Yes, this episode was crammed full of family tension, and yes the ending was annoying, but what I really want to talk about is…

What was up with Rachel’s skirt?

My girl bounces around downtown Dallas, talking about how she’s super pumped that not one, not two, but three suitors get to meet her fam, and all I could do was try and deconstruct the many layers of her mullet skirt.

Not only was it a sexy mini in the front and respectable Wilderness Girl in the back, but the materials fought with each other. I’m not sure Scottish plaid from the Fraser clan necessarily works with Army green polyester, but I give Rachel major props for working it down Lamar Street.

Rachel’s sister Constance is 57-weeks pregnant and is unable to fly to Spain to meet the final three. Something tells me Cousin Andrea is a little miffed that she didn’t get her free trip to Spanish wine country, but it is what it is and there’s nothing she can do about it. The boys have arrived. In fact, all three are staying together at the Anatole Hotel.

Did anyone else find this odd? Why are they all together like it’s week 4? I half expected Jack Stone to blue steel his way into the room. Is that Adam Jr. lurking in the corner?

Rachel takes the aco taco to another level and makes the boys debrief TOGETHER. What in the world? I’m sure Bryan and Eric love hearing what she has in store for Peter. And both are secretly relieved they they didn’t have to go striped onesie shopping at a fancy children’s boutique for the pending arrival of Rachel’s soon-to-be-born nephew.

Peter handles himself beautifully, of course. Because he’s a mature adult who knows that “onesie” does not mean “one-size-fits-all.”

Side note: Thankfully Peter decides to leave the old man sweaters back in Wisconsin in exchange for a proper chambray button down. I’m slowly getting through to him.

Before Rachel and Peter head inside with all their treasures, Peter makes sure Rachel knows that he has confidence in their relationship. While they discuss what that means, I notice Peter’s salt and pepper hair has a little bit more salt than when he first started the show. Much like the presidency, being a bachelor is a stressful job. I would have continued down this random train of thought had six words not brought be back to the present:

Peter: “I’m falling in love with you.”

Rachel smiles, knowing that her strategy of giving him the final rose the ceremony before worked. Let’s meet the family!

A very pregnant Constance, her husband Alex, Uncle Jeff and Aunt Connie, along with little Alister, and Mrs. Lindsay all fall into Peter’s trance when he begins to tell them the story of how his parents met. Guess what? They got engaged after four weeks.

Rachel eyes her family as if to non-verbally say, “See? THIS CAN WORK.”

Peter goes on to calmly explain why he thinks Rachel is a good fit and how their relationship has grown throughout the process. But then he admits that he is not falling in love.

Rachel’s facial expression changes just a bit…

After that reality sits in, Peter admits that after the previous night’s rose ceremony (the one where Rachel made him sweat), he realized that he missed her when she was gone. He’s not ready to lose Rachel. Therefore, he fell in love with her on his hometown date. He’s lucky to be in this situation.

And just like that, an entire family relaxes.

As Rachel pets her Rupunzel-inspired weave, she confesses that she knew none of this information. She chats with her sister, claiming that Peter has been the most reserved of the remaining three. Constance wisely points out that her sister was the exact same way during Rachel’s failed first attempt to find love on national television. She also wants to know if anyone has dropped the “L” bomb.

No, Constance. Neither Peter nor Rachel have dropped the mother of all “L” bombs. They have dropped the “falling in love” phrase, which is more like a dainty parachute versus an explosive blast.

When Constance asks if Peter is ready for marriage, Rachel winches. They technically haven’t had that conversation yet.

Which makes it all the more awesome that Peter is having that exact conversation with Mrs. Lindsay at that exact same moment! He tells Rachel’s mother that he does not want to propose at the end of this journey. He cares for Rachel. His feelings are strong and he wants to pursue her daughter. But he’s not going to get down on one knee after a handful of weeks in which he didn’t even get to court her without a bunch of other jack wagons around.

In short: Peter will not be asking for the Lindsays blessing because he’s not sure that an engagement is in his future.

And Mrs. Lindsay is ELATED. Of course she makes sure that Peter is on an exclusive dating path, which he most certainly is, but a ring is not his end goal. I’m sure Mrs. Lindsay asked someone to Tweet Neil Lane to tell him to SUCK IT, but no one on the Bachelor payroll is allowed to mess with Uncle Neil or Our Host Chris Harrison.

The next morning, Rachel and her boobs arrive at the Anatole for a quick powwow with the boys (aco) before grabbing Eric for his one-on-one time. After they leave, Peter and Bryan share an awkward conversation about engagements. Bryan inquires of Peter if he asked for Rachel’s hand in marriage. He quickly answers, “Uh, no.” Then he tells Bryan that he really doesn’t want to be around him. He also calls him “ballsy” and “arrogant.”

This entire exchange makes me forgive the fact that Peter is wearing Dean’s elastic ankle jogger pants that he borrowed from his sister.

Across town, Eric and Rachel enjoy brunch at Reunion Tower, complete with mimosas and the biggest plate of pineapple I’ve ever seen. Eric discusses his two girlfriends (the one in high school and the one in college). He promises Rachel that it isn’t weird that he hasn’t technically ever been in love. She’s not so sure.

They arrive at the house and Eric is visibly anxious. I’m anxious, too, because of all the exposed zippers. I wish this wasn’t a thing, but it is, and I need to get on board or keep Xanax in my purse.

Eric gathers everyone around to tell them the story about a dysfunctional kid who grew up in Baltimore. Even though he didn’t have an ideal family, he certainly wants one. Everyone seems okay with Eric. Again, Rachel’s time with him is often uneventful. But it’s Constance who says that they don’t seem to be on the same plane.

I agree. And I’ll trust anyone bold enough to wear a maternity version of Jerry Seinfeld’s puffy shirt until the day I die.

In the meantime, Rachel visits with Cousin Andrea and is annoyed to learn that she thinks Eric is both “sweet and sincere.”

Rachel: “YOU SAID THAT ABOUT PETER, TOO. You have to compare.”
Lincee: Easy, Rachel. Cousin Andrea didn’t sign her life away to Mike Fleiss.

What we do learn is that Eric isn’t into the “fairytale” of it all. I would agree with that. I would also agree that he is sweet and sincere. But I don’t think he’s necessarily ready for marriage. Perhaps a long-term girlfriend first?

Mrs. Lindsay, I know, thinks the same thing when this stranger asks for her daughter’s hand in marriage. She takes the safe road and says, “If Rachel decides she wants to take that journey with you, I trust her.”


Last on the roster is Bryan, who flashes his Brietling watch in front of Eric and Peter during their ABC mandated screen time together. Eric flashes his black bead bracelet made from the healing mud of the Dead Sea. It’s not the same.

Bryan gets to meet a couple of Rachel’s girlfriends. There are two trains of thought on this decision:

  1. Bryan is the front-runner and gets to be introduced to the inner circle.
  2. Bryan is sketchy and Rachel needs her girlfriends to weigh in on his charm.

I like to think that it’s #2 since Rachel admits she initially thought Bryan was a d-bag. Clearly all bets were off when he sucked her face, but the statement was made and it’s out there.

There seems to be a “chach” theme when it comes to Bryan.

Bryan charms the girls on the, what I’m assuming was a rooftop bar since everyone’s hair extensions were flying out of control. Bryan is confident and says all the right things.

I’m sensing another theme.

Bryan meets the fam and is the only one who shakes hands instead of giving hugs. When they first sit down, Rachel throws him a softball icebreaker that turns into Bryan’s downfall.

Rachel: “Bryan’s parents have been together for 40 years!”
Mrs. L: “That’s good.”
Bryan: “Yeah. I’m my mom’s only child.”
Lincee: “But not your dad’s?”

Rachel: “He loves his mom.”
Mrs. L: “That’s good.”
Bryan: “She will always be the number one woman in my life unconditionally.”

The ABC Intern passes out red flags to the Lindsays so they can wave them in Rachel’s face. Mrs. Lindsay does a good job calling Bryan out. If he’s married, won’t his wife be the number one woman in his life? Bryan answers “of course” but Constance isn’t buying it.

Bachelorette Recap Rachel

She feels Bryan is direct and answers all the questions as they should be answered, but he’s not sincere. When Uncle Jeff asks, “What qualities does Rachel accentuate in you?” Bryan has a hard time answering. BIL Alex jumps in to pile on and Bryan excuses himself from the table.

This makes Rachel low key annoyed.

Say hello to my new catchphrase!

Mrs. Lindsay reminds Rachel that she is in this weird ABC bubble that Mike Fleiss has created with all his roses and fantasy suites and sleep deprivation. The family needs a comfort level and clarity. BIL Alex piles on that as well, claiming Rachel is too emotional to make any decisions. Later, because I suspect he is straight up afraid of Low Key Annoyed Rachel, Alex praises her for getting emotional because that means she really feels something for this guy.

Constance is 62-weeks pregnant and doesn’t have time to mess around. She tells Bryan that she doesn’t believe that he is sincere. Especially since he said he loves the family and they’ve only known each other for ninety minutes. She’s hesitant and isn’t afraid to say it.

Watch out, Constance. Bryan’s mom is watching you.

Speaking of moms, Mrs. Lindsay hashes her differences out with her daughter. Rachel defends herself by saying there’s no way her mom can tell her when she’s in love. In fact, she can’t put a time stamp on it either.

Her face gives her away when she listens as Bryan drones on about love and how he WILL be proposing to her daughter at the end of this.

Mrs. L: “Have you told her you love her?”
Bryan: “In my heart.”

Mrs. Lindsay gives Bryan the same speech she gave Eric. She trusts Rachel completely.

No word on what Federal Judge Daddy has to say about all of this!


With a fresh weave, cold shoulder silky top, and a suitcase full of statement rings, Rachel makes her way through Spain spouting off Wikipedia facts about the region left and right. She also leaves a half-empty glass of wine to roam around the cobblestone streets as she reflects on the key qualities she loves in Peter, Eric, and Bryan.

Eric gets the first one-on-one. Rachel hopes he will tell her his true feelings during this date because she’s pretty confused.

Really? I feel like Eric tells her all the time that she is his boo. He certainly hugs/leans on her a lot. Does non-verbal communication not count?

They fly in a helicopter over some vineyards, yet do not partake in the fruits of said vineyards. Instead, they enjoy the scenery as Eric tells her all the many things he loves about her. Then Rachel makes him trek up up the Great Wall of Spain to an old monastery. Rumor has it, if you make a wish and ring the bell three times, it will come true.

Sweet baby Eric wishes for the ability to tell Rachel he loves her. Can you believe that? He wasted his one wish on that instead of going for broke and asking the bell to leave him as the last man standing at the proposal pedestal sponsored by Home Depot.

Rookie mistake.

That night, both Rachel and Eric look dapper in their snazzy coats at dinner. I’m going to ignore Rachel’s blue eyeshadow and focus instead on her amazing sequin top.

She fishes for compliments from Eric. They discuss their “hot tub chemistry” before Rachel sort of asks him in a roundabout way if he has feelings for her. He takes the bait and without articulating his emotions for a very long time, slowly rounds third base by admitting that he is not only falling in love, but he is smack dab in the middle of love. Bomb exploding! Love everywhere!

Rachel presents him with the forgo card to the fantasy suite where they can “go deeper” and “open up more.”

That had to be scripted, right?

We don’t see any of Eric’s suite, but we are treated to rumpled sheets and Rachel in adult footed pajamas the next morning. Eric is excited that he’s allowing himself to feel things he’s never felt before. I can only assume he means Rachel’s butt.

Rachel says good-bye to Eric and hello to Peter.

They head to a vineyard and meet an old man in a cave who, in rapid Spanish, tells the love birds that he’s been married for 57 years. Rachel picks up bits and pieces of his story as I wonder why ABC didn’t spring for a translator? Things become extremely confusing when he begins his energetic serenade.

Rach and Peter smile pleasantly, knowing that they have to suffer through the first act in order to get to the good stuff. Abuelo hands them a key and points Rachel in the direction of a cellar. There, they find a ton of wine behind a gate with the words “Raquel y Pedro” carefully inscribed with a dry erase marker. Rachel uses her statement ring that doubles as a wine opener so they can dive into the first bottle.

Outside, Peter gives a toast and then they discuss his time with her family, which she thought went very well thankyouverymuch. She tells Peter that her family thought he was a good balance for her. He agrees and even goes as far as to say that he didn’t ask permission to marry her because he believes engagement is a direct reflection of marriage. He needs time before he proposes an he wants to know how a very shocked Rachel feels?

That’s when the ABC Intern shoves the adorable little Spanish girl in the general direction of Rachel. The doll baby extends a fistful of wild flowers and then takes Rachel’s hand to lead her and Peter to a barrel full of grapes. It’s crushing time!

I wanted their experience to be this fun, but it wasn’t. However, there was some serious making out and an impressive backbend kiss. Rachel tells the camera that she is in the zone and falling in love with Peter.

Who isn’t?

Peter wears a suit to dinner because he is a man. Peter tells Rachel about a tradition his parents started. When there’s a special event and wine is served, they save the cork. Then he pulls out the cork from Raquel y Pedro’s date and asks her to sign it.

Rachel gushes and if Peter wasn’t in first place before, he certainly is now.

Instead of eating, Rachel decides that she needs to revisit the earlier conversation they had before they were so adorably interrupted by a Spanish toddler. She tells Peter that she didn’t put her life on hold and sacrifice everything to just get a boyfriend at the end. If that’s what she wanted, should could have done without “all of this.”

Wow, Rach. That’s a little presumptuous.

Then she launches into a monologue that she’s sure will ease Peter’s mind. A proposal doesn’t mean they will marry tomorrow. It can happen months or years from the time of engagement. She smiles and Peter and he drops a bomb. And not an “L” one.

Peter: “I have to respect you for that, but unfortunately my opinions are different. Engagement is marriage.”

Rachel figures that telling him she only wants to be engaged once will flip his switch. It does not. Instead, Peter wisely states that if they really want to be with each other, someone is going to have to bend. And he doesn’t want her to give up what she needs in her life, but he’d love to find a common ground. However, that might be hard since they are on polar opposite ends.

Uh oh. By the look of Rachel’s face, there’s about to be a misunderstanding.

I get Peter’s side. It’s been five seconds. He doesn’t want to propose if he’s not 100-percent sure he’s going to marry this woman. THAT’S SMART.

I get Rachel’s side. He’s on the Bachelor! Isn’t a permanent statement ring from Uncle Neil kind of the deal you expect when you sign up for this show?

Instead of figuring out a resolution, Rachel cries and tells the camera that she is devastated. Something has changed and she doesn’t like it. Then the “TO BE CONTINUED” slate flashes across the scene without a word from Peter, a fantasy suite date with Bryan, or a rose ceremony.

This is me low key annoyed.

What did you think? Are Rachel and Peter on the same page, but not really? Does Eric stand out in any way? Is Bryan a Grade A chach? Sound off in the comments section, and make sure to listen to the podcast later this week!

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