It’s the last week before hometown dates and Andi is determined to get all six remaining men to confess that they are either falling in love or actually in love with her. There’s no time to lose! Put down the Belgian waffle, slap on a feminine scarf and let’s explore Brussels!

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you liked on Instagram happen to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the twerking instructor of someone who is obsessed with the fictional life of Jamie and Claire Fraser like me and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

The men gather together in the comfort of the posh hotel room living space, each cloaked in infinity kerchiefs and/or hoodies. Our Host Chris Harrison enters, commanding the room with each step. He smells of freshly chopped wood, Magnum P.I. and a dirty martini—shaken, not stirred. The pheromones overwhelm Dylan. He rises and gives Our Host his seat. Harrison sits, somehow refrains from rolling his eyes at the poorly dressed men in front of him and allows the group a moment to digest the simplicity of a nice pair of jeans, a v-neck that isn’t more than one inch below the collar bone and a classic black sports coat. He reminds them that meeting the family is heavy stuff and they better choose their outfits wisely because Andi’s dad will more than likely not understand the artistry of genteel neckwear.

He hands Dylan the first date card, exits the building and instructs his driver to take him to the nearest castle bar to watch the US dominate in the World Cup. # ibelieve

I do not believe in Dylan’s hair.

The Dread Pirate Dylan announces that Marcus is the first date. He changes scarves and meets Andi in the square where they will immerse themselves in everyday Belgium life by taking selfies, eating chocolate, eating mussels in Brussels and listening to Marcus tell Andi for the millionth time that he’s falling in love with her.

That night they eat again. Andi is wearing her favorite colors – short and tight. At dinner, she drills Marcus on what hometown dates will look life for him. He shares a long story about how his father is no longer in the picture before also sharing that his mom very strict and sometimes took it out on him. He had it pretty rough in his teens and 20s, but they are cool now. (Isn’t Marcus only 25?)

Marcus tells the camera that it takes a lot for him to open up, but when national television drama is on the line, he can talk until the cows come home if it means making out with Andi against a stone wall.

Y’all know that I’m a connoisseur when it comes to “up against a surface” make out sessions. Allow me to break down the Andi vs. Marcus moment:

Notice that Andi is not up against the wall. She wants to dominate Marcus and since he loves her soooooo much, he’s more than happy to give her complete control of the situation. Andi feels that Marcus is a strong man. He is strong enough to do exactly what she wants. He’s also resilient which makes him the total package in Andi’s opinion.

Back at the hotel, a date card arrives with Josh’s name and the clever “Let’s Ghent it On” innuendo scribbled across the bottom. Josh is so happy, his man nipples pop out. How do I know this intimate detail about Josh? BECAUSE HE WAS WEARING A HOODIE WITH NO SHIRT ON UNDERNEATH.

Josh is all smiles and nipples, Marcus arrives with a rose on the scarf he borrowed from Andi and Nick takes to the elevator. He can’t just sit around and bro talk with these yahoos anymore. He needs to make something happen.

He heads down to the lobby, lies to the lovely Belgian desk clerk, telling her that he not only forgot his room key, but he doesn’t remember what room he was staying in. She can totally look it up because it was booked under his wife’s name.

A. ABC is not dumb enough to book rooms under actual names. Please.
B. The lovely Belgian chick isn’t dumb enough to give room keys to rando strangers claiming to be the husband of a guest.
C. The fact that she smiled at the camera the entire time did not help the validity of this ruse.
D. I’d be willing to bet the lovely Belgian chick has since been fired from Fancy Hotel thanks to her disregard of their privacy policy, security policy and general laws of hotel management.

Nick knocks on Room 207 and a shocked Andi answers the door. You can tell she’s nervous that Nick is about to say he’s leaving, but she still invites him and his entourage of camera men into her room.

Nick: Do you want to go for a walk?
Andi: Sure! Let me wash off Marcus’ cologne real quick and change into something a little less short and tight. Do you have a scarf I can borrow?

They hold hands through the city. Andi feels guilty that she is breaking the rules. That lasts a hot second before she pushes Nick against a tree and makes out with him.

Once again Andi is on the outside. She wants this bad boy to know she is just as much of a rebel as he is in this scenario.

It’s time for Josh’s one-on-one date. His man nipples are at full salute. No, I do not know this fun fact because he’s wearing just a hoodie whilst traipsing through Ghent. He’s actually wearing a thin silver blue sweater that is about a size too small. He definitely Ghents my vote for leaving the girly scarf at home.

Andi explains that Ghent is one of the few cities in all of Europe that didn’t get burned to the ground in the war. It’s like all original from like the days of yore. They eat chocolates, hold hands and Josh uses the term “literally” to describe anything he experiences. That was literally the best chocolate. That was literally amazing. That was literally phenomenal. Yet, when a literal parade of geese waddle through the market square, he’s got nothing.

Our bachelorette is literally questioning if Josh is here for the right reasons. He has yet to admit that he is falling in love with her and that is literally unacceptable. She doesn’t care if his pants are literally tighter than hers, he needs to step up his game.

They go to church and Andi lights a candle, praying that Josh will reveal some sort of infatuation with her in the next few hours. And it works.

Another castle dinner, another day in the life of Andi. But this time, after grilling Josh about what kind of questions his mom is going to ask her (huh?) he finally gets the hint and literally tells her that he’s falling in love with her. Andi’s smile is Joker-worthy and Josh puts a comforting hand on her leather-clad thigh.

Side note: I got a little nervous that we were about to witness a second round of unfortunate camel toe with these leather pants, but I figure if it was there, ABC was kind enough to leave it on the editing room floor. Two weeks of camel toe embarrassment is even low for Mike Fleiss. Instead, the ABC Intern arranges for some pretty sweet back lighting down the tunnel leading to the castle basement and it is here that Josh literally takes Andi and kisses her for our final “up against a surface” moment. Let’s assess:

He is doing his best to Alpha Male her to the wall, but she is resisting. There were moments when she relented, but there is definite air between her and the wall at times. She is willing to give Josh some control, but not all of it.

Andi leads him outside to a guy playing a guitar and a lady with a fiddle. They sway on a platform back and forth to the rhythm of their love, surrounded by Belgians, trading spit the entire first set. Ghent a room!

GROUP DATE
Andi is left with passionate Nick, The Farmer, Coach and Dread Pirate Dylan. One rose is up for grabs, which secures a hometown date for the lucky recipient. It’s time to test the three average guys to see who will be the first to say, “I love you.”

She puts them on a rail car that moves via bike pedals and makes them schlep her up the side of a mountain to a monastery where kissing on the grounds is forbidden. Call me crazy, but this does not sound like the perfect place to fall in love.

She leads them to an area in the monastery courtyard where the ABC Intern has janked some patio furniture from the monks. He set up an outdoor living room, complete with chocolates, waffles and one looming boutonniere.

Dread Pirate Dylan: I want that on my shirt.
Lincee: You mean your hoodie? Tighten up Dread P.

Andi picks the farmer to go out back to a literal pottery barn so they can re-enact scenes from Ghost. As I was belting, “IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed your love…” in perfect falsetto, Andi is confirming The Farmer’s hotness in his denim pottery shirt. Everyone watching with me agreed. They make out all over that pottery wheel. What monks? What sacred oath?

Meanwhile, Coach and Dread Pirate Dylan talk about how Nick thinks he is smarter than everyone else. All he cares about is strategy and kicking rocks while he broods in a field. It’s time for Coach to execute his game plan.

This basically consists of him telling Andi that he is falling in love with her. PS: he’s never said that to anyone before. And his Mama will know the minute he walks through that door.

I’LL WALK THROUGH THAT DOOR WITH YOU COACH!

During Nick’s alone time, he confidently tells Andi that he isn’t nervous because he knows he is in love with her. Her serious pout face soon turns to a smiling face. Then he, in a roundabout way, hints that he knows she’s probably feeling the same way about him. The pout face and squinting eyes return, but this does not deter Nick from distracting her with almost kisses. They are on sacred ground you know. It would be naughty, to disrespect the monks.

She naturally thinks this is so hot.

Nick brags to the camera that he is definitely taking Andi home with him, but would love to land the date rose because it would confirm all he is feeling without her saying a word. That sound of literal outrage you heard last night was coming the group of women who had crammed into my apartment. I just KNEW ABC was faking us out, but Nick literally scored the rose.

All the other guys are sent home as Nick and Andi share some more one-on-one time. The three less passionate suitors are stuffed into the back seat of an SUV, buckled in and then interrogated. Coach is using Lamaze breathing to calm down. The Farmer is cursing every other word and Dread Pirate Dylan is begging for the courier to move faster so he can just get home and put his hair up in a ponytail.

They shuffle into the hotel room, to the waiting curiosity of Josh and Marcus. The one-on-oners become literally irritated when Coach shares that Nick got the rose and extra time with the love of their lives. Marcus comes out of his shell for five minutes to partake in vicious gossip, promising that if Nick makes it to the end, he’ll walk before getting down on one knee.

You could have heard a pin drop.

Nick walks in after an extra few hours of fireworks and a rousing game of “This or That” to a hotel full of awkward silence. Which lasted at least a minute. I was dying. Not literally…figuratively.

Josh coughs something to the group in code. Everyone remains silent. Coach cracks under the pressure and tells Nick that no one respects or trusts him. They bash him for several minutes, talking about his strategy and how he watched all the seasons prior to coming to the show. Is this about love? Or is this a game?

Nick calmly answers that Andi is his priority. That’s his entire defense. They can question their own feelings, but he knows his intentions are genuine.

I’m not sure if Nick is deceiving everyone or not. What I do know is that he’s wisely watched the episodes before to understand strategy, because this is part game. I think the fact that he never gets in verbal arguments with anyone and keeps his cool is also extremely wise. But you can’t omit the fact that every dude there gets a weird vibe from him.

ROSE CEREMONY
The men arrive at the chateau in fancy cars. Our bachelorette is wearing an Alexis Colby original that is 80s fabulous, complete with a slit up to Andi’s dandy. Everyone lays it on thick that they want her to meet their family and that they are in love, including The Farmer. Coach is in the middle of singing her praises when Nick steals her away. Nick later cries to the camera because his love for Andi is so real.

Last one-on-one time? NAILED IT.

But wait! Hold your horses Nick. The Farmer is pulling her away again. He forgot something. That’s right. He forgot to kiss her during their time before. There were no vertical surfaces. Everyone held their own body weight.

Andi: He just took me and kissed me. What a man. You go Farmer.

If you had any hope that Coach was going to land the fourth rose, it was all dashed at that moment. Nick, Josh, Marcus and The Farmer are all headed for home town dates. According to previews from next week, Andi is going to have to compete with Josh’s famous younger brother and weigh the “opportunity to be a homemaker” in Iowa.

This should be fun.

I’m all about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee