Well readers…I hate to say it, but last night was torture. I truly feel like ABC is doing everything they can to jump the shark this season by turning a perfectly annoying reality TV show into something perfectly ridiculous. Not only do we have to sit through the inner monologue of a bizarre masked man, but they are force feeding us a lazy villain with a side of recycled Vegas wedding chapel nonsense. To top it off, Our Host Chris Harrison was present for approximately 45-seconds of the entire two hour hot mess in Sin City.

Of course, I will press on for the sake of you…the reader…in hopes that we can find SOMETHING redeeming about last night’s episode.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you poked on Facebook happens to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the nephew/former classmate of someone who is obsessed with the Hunger Games trilogy and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

Right from the beginning, it appears things are going my way. Our Host commands the sunken living room with a smoothness that is unmatched. He’s looking suave in a stone-colored shirt. The cuffs are unbuttoned. I know what you’re thinking and the answer is a resounding YES. He can pull this look off.

Unlike the women, the Bachelors choose to forgo mimosas and bright tank tops matched with yoga pants for mugs of coffee or protein shakes and Henley’s chosen from the “cool” section of the color wheel. Only the Dread Pirate Roberts stands out. He has cocooned himself in his comforter while refusing to remove the night mask that covers the eye holes of his swirly everyday mask. Harrison refuses to even look in his general direction as he reminds the contestants of the rules.

OHCH: “Two solos. Two roses. Someone may go home. Pack your bags. One group. One rose. Here’s a card. I’m out.”

And that’s the last we see of him. Harrison hops a plane to Vegas to enjoy his VIP suite at the Bellagio.

First One-On-One
William
Wanna Make a Splash In Vegas?

William is bummed out that his date is not on the beach. He was really itching to harness some lightning so he could make Ashley something from his Deep Southern Glass collection. No such luck.

Ashley arrives at the man cave wearing a doily and leather jacket. She squeals at William that he looks “soooo Q-at” (translation: “cute” in Kardashian.) All the boys follow the duo out the front door and pretend to think it’s super hot that Ashley is driving William around in a sports car. After convincing him she was only kidding when she teased that they were going to drive the 250 miles from Los Angeles to Las Vegas with the top down, William spots a tiny little plane that will transport them to their destination. He mentions that it’s like every movie he’s ever seen and we all picture Pretty Woman in our heads and then try to come up with another movie but can’t because now one-liners from Pretty Woman are bombarding our brains and wouldn’t it be great if we were watching Edward and Vivian instead of these to yahoos holding hands in the plane across the seat aisle from each other?

And just when you think the Dread Pirate Roberts can’t get any more freaky, he decides to have a serious conversation with Ames while he’s wearing a knit beanie hat on his head.

DPR: “I’ve decided that I’m going to remove the mask on the first date.”
Ames: “That’s sort of impossible since William is currently on the first date. Are you going to pull that beanie hat down over eyes instead?”

DPR: “No, no. I’m going to remove the mask and reveal my face!”
Ames: “Do you wish you had a white mask since it’s 90 degrees outside? Would you ever consider something more fun? Perhaps some feathers or diamond embellishments for the rose ceremony?”

Back in Vegas, Ashley is surrounded by her fans. All three of them tell her on separate occasions that they are super excited that she is the new Bachelorette. Somewhere in a stuffy board room on the 15th floor of corporate headquarters, ABC producers fist pump the air and scream, “SUCK IT AMERICA! YOU TOO CANADIANS! AND THOSE OVER SEAS WATCHING THIS TWO YEARS LATER!”

For the next 20 minutes, we have to suffer through Ashley schlepping William from fancy store to fancy store eating wedding cake, trying on engagement rings and finally landing at the hotel’s wedding chapel. William jokingly plays along as Ashley step-together, step-togethers down the aisle like we did when we were nine-years-old and had a pillow case billowing off of our head. Ah. Now we know why she was forced to wear that awful lace doily on her date. William even goes as far as to give her a potted plant to hold as she makes her way down to the altar. Father Mandalay Bay begins the proceedings and asks William if he’ll take Ashley to be his bride. William, a bit anxious, answers “I do” as Ashley begins to nervously giggle in an uncontrollable, yet equally annoying fashion.

Ash: “OMG you guys. This is like a legally binding marriage. We could totally be legally married. I mean, I have 17 other guys to consider. I can’t get married. Even though William is sooooo Q-at.”

Really ABC? Do you really believe that any of us thought for a millisecond that this was anything but contrived, scripted material? It’s weak planning and I’m unflinchingly bored at this point. Ironically, William and Ashley have deemed this the best first date ever. Somewhere in Austin, Brad Womack yells at his TV reminding Ashley that a carnie date in the middle of a low budget scary movie forest scene is way better than a lame pretend wedding in Vegas. Especially when there is no drive through or Elvis impersonator involved.

Later, Ashley pulls together a rather schizophrenic looking outfit for dinner. It’s a forest green silky number that is part off-the-shoulder, part mini dress mixed with both a drop waist sash tied around the middle with a flouncy bow that all together is about two feet in length. She escorts her date to the water’s edge, pointing to a floating platform in the center of the Bellagio fountain. Dinner out there? How romantic! William mans a canoe and rows his way across to two chairs and a table set for dinner located smack dab in the middle of a water feature consisting of waste water generated from domestic activities such as laundry, dish washing and bathing. Romantic indeed!

I felt sorry for the ABC intern who had to row back out to the platform once because Ashley needed some salt for her mashed potatoes and then again when William accidentally dropped his fork in the murky water. A gaggle of women at a Bachelorette party spot the twosome as they are waiting for the 8:15 fountain show and begin taking photos. Somewhere in a stuffy board room on the 15th floor of corporate headquarters, ABC producers fist pump the air and scream, “WE TOLD YOU SO. WE RULE!” No one had the heart to tell them that the women were immediately negotiating finder’s fees after contacting TMZ.com.

As the ABC camera man balances in the canoe, we learn that William has shared the story of his father’s sad passing, along with the weird coincidence that his watch stopped at the exact same time of his death. He also tells Ashley that he’s not a doctor, lawyer or chef, but he does have the gift of communication because he’s a cell phone rep. Ashley understands and thanks him for being serious even though she’s forced him to do immature things all day long. She gives him the rose and they lean in to kiss. As if on cue (duh) the Bellagio Fountains spray their musty water to the tune of Frank Sinatra’s “Come Fly With Me.” Once the chlorine begins to burn their eyes, they hop a ride back in the canoe with the camera guy and ABC intern. Ashley notes that the bar is set high for all the other dates and she may be falling for this guy. Then she hurls because a little of the spray entered her mouth when she was laughing at one of William’s many celebrity impressions.

Group Date
Greek Josh Groban
Ryan M.
Chris
Josh Groban
Mick
Bent
West
Lucas
Harlequin Romance Josh Groban
Blake
Matt
Ames
In Sin City, Boys will be Boys

Using the clue from the date card (boys will be boys) coupled with the gingham pink and white shirt and skin tight blue pants Ashley decided to wear, you can imagine my surprise when this group date consisted of a bunch of dudes vying for the affection of one woman by using the means of choreography.

That’s right people. Apparently the way to Ashley’s heart is through syncopated finger points and simultaneous booty pops. America’s favorite dance crew, the Jabbawockeez, were in full swing of their impromptu performance for our Bachelors. I couldn’t help but be distracted by one small detail.

How in the world did the Dread Pirate Roberts not get invited on this date? Dude! He already has a mask!

All of a sudden, Ashley appears at the top of the stage. She dry humps one of the Jabbas and the show is over. In her perkiest sports bra and some phat kicks, she announces to the fellas that they must come up with some original choreography and the winners will be showcased in the Wockeez’ show that night. The losing crew will be on the next flight back to Los Angeles. Immediately, the boys begin to melt down. I found it odd that Ames did not totally dominate this challenge. Ryan M. takes control of one group, careful to document each moment with his digital camera, and Harlequin Romance Josh Groban commands the other group by teaching them how to let their hair blow with masculine flair.

It was a battle of epic proportion. NO RHYTHM NATION against THE BEST MEN. A whirlwind of trash talk and gyrating, pelvic thrusts and confusing dance themes. Ashley reverse dry humps West and I’m hiding behind a couch cushion, wondering when the madness will end? Finally, one of the Jabs announces NO RHYTHM NATION are the lesser of two evils and will revel in approximately 17 seconds of glory during their live show that very night. Victory!

ABC splits the time between the winning team wiggling themselves in to black luge suits, white masks and black grandfatherly fishing hats to the deflated losing team sulkily returning back to the mansion. Ashley wears what are essentially black panties and a black blousy top and rocks the house with her mad Jabber skills. No one thinks about the tourists who have paid good hard earned money to watch the real Wockeez instead of this random chick, but who cares? Somewhere in Disneyland, Tenley and her band of cartoon woodland creatures are crying to the song in her heart because Ashley has officially danced on every episode and it appears that she will be flash mobbing next week. Kyp busts out the abs and all is well again.

Ashley invites the uncoordinated bunch up to the roof for an after party. As with all dentists, she questions Blake’s tendency to be a perfectionist and wonders if that would cause friction since she is also prefers order and precision? He reminds her that they would be twice as perfect together. I gagged. West disclosed that his wife died and he’s ready to fall in love again. I teared up. Bentley admitted that Ashley has a good butt, great legs and he would love for her to tickle his pickle. I rolled my eyes. Using the power of charm, he pretends to be insecure and LITERALLY has Ashley almost on her knees begging for him to stay in the game. Surprise, surprise, he gets the rose.

What a lazy villain.

One-On-One Date Two
Oh Mickey
Love Is a Gamble

The magical date box pedestal arrives at the front door, displaying not one but two mysterious envelopes. Love is a gamble and Ashley has chosen to leave the date up to fate. A coin will be tossed in the air to see who gets the date with Ashley. Franklin Mint has generously donated a one-of-a-kind piece featuring the mug of both JP and Oh Mickey. One of the Ryan flips, Oh Mickey wins, JP releases a bleeped out explicative and Ashley chooses to wear her most revealing gold sparkly tank top inspired by Cher when she was playing at Caesars in the 70s.

They arrive at their first destination. It’s a glass wine cellar, complete with unique pulley system that resembles a climbing wall at your local gym. One must scale said wall in order to retrieve your spirit of choice. But there are so many choices? What should our dynamic duo do?

Why they flip for it of course. Agreeing that every moment must be left to the flip of a coin, Oh Mickey and Ashley become increasingly annoying as the viewing audience must sit through the longest decision-making process in the history of time. Repeated over and over and over again.

Heads: red wine
Tails: white wine

Heads: you scale the wall
Tails: I scale the wall

Even at the rock climbing wine bar aquarium lounge, a flip of the coin directs Ashley to tell about the last time she cried.

Heads: I fast forward
Tails: I gouge my eyeball out with this pencil

Later at Mandalay Bay, Ashley notes how ah-mazing Oh Mickey looks and is anxious to know about his family. Oh Mickey shares that his mother has passed away and I begin to wonder if Ashley is super bummed with the continuous death talk.

Ashley confuses the viewing audience once again by trying her hand at acting. She pretends to leave the fate of Oh Mickey’s rose up to a coin toss. Of course I knew she wasn’t serious because her pretending skills are non-existent. Oh Mickey is unsure and asks her several times if she is serious about deciding if he gets a rose based on a coin toss. It is at this point that I decided if I had been in his shoes, I would have

Heads: Told Ashley exactly where she could stick the coin
Tails: Told Ashley exactly where she could stick the coin

After choosing the correct side of the coin, Ashley leads Oh Mickey to a man-made beach. Suddenly, random music begins to play and a curtain drops to reveal

Heads: Natasha Bedingfield?
Tails: That chick who played at the royal wedding?

No! It’s household name Colbie Cailat everyone! Kudos to Oh Mickey for maintaining the shock on his face so he could be “speechless” when Ashley asks if he is sooo excited to have a private concert with the chick from the Diet Coke commercial!

Rose Ceremony

JP immediately pulls Ashley aside to tell her that he was super bummed he lost the coin toss. To make it up to him, he pulls a coin from his pocket and

Heads: She kisses him
Tails: She doesn’t

Of course, she’s game. At this rate, she’ll have Bachelor Bob beat with most contestants kissed in one season. Go Ashley! Luck was on JP’s side and he gets the tongue down his throat. This puts him on cloud nine.

Meanwhile, William starts doing his best Bill Clinton impression while covertly talking trash to the other dudes in the sunken living room. Tick, tick, tick…that’s William going down a few notches in my book. Gloating is uncool man. Uncool. Think before you speak: what would Josh Lucas do?

The trainer Nick pretzels her around the living room and then William steps in to get some alone time. Again, this annoys the other guys because he already has a rose. Give the superfluous white boys and the Josh Grobans a chance man! As they regale on their best date ever memories, an esoteric figure looms above in the shadows of the chandelier.

Dread Pirate stalls Ashley on the steps. He has chosen this moment as the Great Reveal! Unfortunately, ABC never thought in a million years that the staircase would be the location of some pretty fantastic freak flag conversation, and we are forced to witness a disturbing exchange in low-grade lighting. As our masked friend pours his heart out, we learn of a previous marriage, some “untruthfulness” and a series of brain seizures. Now that the weight of that secret is off his shoulders, he can finally show her his full nose and forehead!

Alas, the producers sent Matt in to kill the moment. Zorro will ride again.

Ben C. reminds us that he’s a contender by being normal. William continues to make the target on his back bigger and bigger. And Bentley tells everyone he would rather swim in pee than plan a fake wedding with Ashley.

Come on Bentley. At least put some thought into your trash talk or ABC won’t pay you the stipend they promised when you signed on to be the resident d-bag.

Reminding the audience that he’s competitive, he decides to kiss her and seal the deal. He approaches her with casual confidence, literally sweeps her off her feet and carries her Scarlet O’Hara style to a crackling fire, places her on his lap and asks, “Are you tired of talking?” Then he sticks his tongue down her throat.

Now THAT’S the villain I’m talking about!

Naturally, ABC chooses to show Ashley proclaim to the world that she has a pretty good radar and knowing when someone is not being sincere. Cut to Bentley proclaiming to the world that Ashley’s kiss started off good and then got boring. This should make for an interesting After the Final Rose.

Our Host Chris Harrison arrives looking fly in a purple shirt, navy suit and some pretty sweet cuff links the size of small saucers. He gives Ames a pitiful head shake for wearing a vest to the rose ceremony and instructs Ashley to hurry up and hand out the boutonnieres so he can get back to his Chivas.

Roses are awarded to:
West
Greek Josh Groban
Ryan P. the green guy
Ben C.
Nick the trainer
Ames
Lucas (who is this?)
Dread Pirate Roberts
JP
Chris
Josh Groban
Blake the dentist

Harlequin Josh Groban holds his head of thick luscious hair high. Producers convince Matt to call his mother on air and ask her to have French toast ready when he’s home from the airport. Other Ryan vows to un-tag her from all his Facebook pics.

Next week, Bentley makes Ashley cry and wallow in a purple comforter and Dread Pirate swims in his mask.

Heads: We vow to continue watching this until the end of the season
Tails: We switch to a classier show like Jersey Shore

All about the shame, not the fame,

Lincee