Bachelorette Recap: I Wanna Be Your Cowboy

It’s week three in Bachelor Nation, people. That means the emotional walls are starting to come down as the testosterone levels begin to rise. This episode features a solo date and not one, but TWO group dates that will inspire even the mellowest of men to channel the competitive spirit he either keeps conveniently tucked away behind a gentlemanly demeanor or blatantly displayed through thick necks and tribal arm band tattoos. Everyone knows that a little friendly competition never hurt anyone (pay no attention to this sentence Brooks). Clearly, there’s a simple way to find out who is here for the right reasons: DODGEBALL!

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you liked on Twitter happen to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the nail stylist or bowing instructor of someone who is obsessed with the fictional life and devastating death of Matthew Crawley like me and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

GROUP DATE ONE
Chris
Brian
Baby Face Drew
Federal Prosecutor
Brooks
Brad
Mikey T.
Brandon
The Other Zack
Ben the Villain

After the list of men is read off the card, we learn that “Love is a Battlefield” is the theme of this date.

I’d like to pause for a moment to thank Desiree for reading my super awesome blog. As you may recall from last week’s recap, Brandon incorrectly announced that “Love is a Butterfly” and I quickly set the record straight by reciting the lyrics of one Ms. Pat Benatar. I applaud Des’ effort in helping me keep 80s reference alive and well. I feel it is my duty to properly educate the young minds who may frequent this site, on the wonder that is John Hughes and the holding power behind a hair scrunchie.

Young girl, I’m speaking directly to you. The mom of the kid you babysit is right. I am funnier than Taylor Swift. #tothemax

Let’s play dodgeball, shall we?

The guys head to a local junior high school gymnasium where they learn the secrets of dodgeball under the tutelage of Patches O’Houlihan. Let it be known that the Federal Prosecutor was wearing compression socks.

As our band of merry men warmed up on the sidelines, a team of professional dodgeballers begin launching balls in extreme force. Some of our contestants covered the family jewels. Others covered their faces. I would have thought there would be an entry-level foam ball that newbies use to practice with at first, but good old Patches went straight for ones that produce wicked burns on any exposed skin that may come in contact with a rubber ball hurling in your general direction. The term “balls flying” was used no less than 17 times in a span of two minutes and I had to refrain from giggling like a 12-year-old boy.

Our Host arrives wearing a “Design by Harrison” original. He strolls into the gymnasium, squelching the odor of sweat, trepidation and skin rashes with his natural aroma of leather seats in a 944 Porsche and Jake Ryan. #googleit #you’rewelcome #80srule

Harrison breaks the news that the 10 guys will be split into two teams of five and will play three games of dodgeball against each other. The winning team will get extra special, very important, alone time with our bachelorette. By the way, they’ll be playing in a public place (read: the field where the junior high band practices) and tons of locals have been bribed to come and act excited as if this were an Olympic trial. In keeping with my conspiracy theory that ABC has totally given up that their contestants can muster any real entertainment value, they make the dudes where shorty shorts (#edshoutout), knee socks, headbands and red/blue tank tops with white piping around the edges that really brings out the ambiance of Mikey T’s 10 o’clock shadow.

Below the radar contestants Drew, Zack and Chris proved to be dodgeball savants. One may have assumed that Mikey T. and the Federal Prosecutor (both on team red) would have a distinct advantage, but their rumbling, tumbling size inhibited them from quickly dipping and diving. They spent most of the games shouting accusations at Villain Ben, basking in the glory of Chris Harrison’s presence and shedding their tanks for an afternoon tan on the sidelines. Both insist that they are here for the right reasons and will rue the day and roll the head of anyone who is not.

Brooks was the unlucky baller who spent the majority of the day in the hospital with a broken finger. Even after I saw the crooked pointer, I didn’t really feel that sorry for him. It was when he passed out from the pain that I felt a little bad. This probably stems from an experience I had growing up in East Texas.

SIDE BAR
I was outside tanning one day (#totally80s) during the summer when Daddy drove up in the Jeep. He stumbled up to her with a bloodied hand held close to his chest.

Lincee: “WHAT HAPPENED!”
Daddy: “My finger got stuck.”

Lincee: “IN WHAT!”
Daddy: “Hay baler.”

Apparently, something foreign was caught in the mechanism, and instead of using a stick or tool to unlodge the object, Daddy used his finger. Which was immediately sucked up into said mechanism, resulting in my father dangling from the side. This man calmly reached into his pocket, pulled out a pocket knife and proceeded to cut off his own finger. Then he drove himself home to assess the damage.

Lincee: “YOU HAVE TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL.”
Daddy: “I think I do. I’ve lost a lot of blood and I’m feeling light headed.”

Lincee: “OF COURSE YOU ARE YOU CRAZY PERSON! I’M DRIVING!”
Daddy: “First, can you put my finger on ice?”

Which he produced. From his pocket.

Props to me for not passing out like Brooks. And props to my Daddy for letting my sister talk him into allowing the “Doogie Howser” lookalike sew his finger back on. #googleit #ilovethe80s #barneystinsonforever

Back at the after party, relatively mute up until now Brad pulls Des aside to let her in on a little secret. Spoiler: he has a kid. He was arrested for domestic violence. Spoiler: it was dismissed. Spoiler: he’s cute but will not go far.

Brooks soon shows up with his deflated hair still positioned awkwardly in his headband. He was tripping on some pretty major pain medicine that caused him to walk around holding his injured hand with the good hand, but Des loved the loopiness and quickly made out with him by the pool. #passthevicodin

“Who is that” Chris the Mortgage Banker took Des to see the skyline from the roof’s helipad. Sitting on the edge was extremely exciting for her. As Chris showered her with compliments, she remembered his raw, animalistic power on the dodgeball court and rewarded him with the date rose. As a bonus, Chris gets to spend some quality alone time with just Des. Well, Des and some chick who I thought was named “Pearl” but after extensive research, I’ve learned her name is Kate Earl. So, it’s Chris, Des and Kate Earl. Well, those three along with another backup singer girl and an acoustic guitarist who was silently projecting that having a finger stuck in a hay baler would be better than this current gig. #yourbuddieswillneverletyoulivethisdown

Aside from Des’ randomly awful outfit, Chris doesn’t ruin the moment by trying to be funny with silly dance steps. He simply pulls her in and slow dances under the stars. Then he goes in for the kiss. #wellplayed

We Were on a Break
Harrison interrupts Des’ morning sketch time with a quick phone call to inform her that one of the suitors actually has a girlfriend and has been lying this entire time. After the producers present visual confirmation that Brian is neither Brad nor Brandon, or that dude that looks like Don Draper whose name no one seems to recall, she hops into the Bentley to confront him. After several chances to come clean, Brian admits nothing.

Harrison waltzes in with Stephanie … the phantom girlfriend. Really earning his paycheck, Harrison mediates a very loud, high pitched fight between Stephanie (who is here for the right reasons), Brian and a disturbed Des. Stephanie is super pumped that she decided to wear her tightest pair of black leather pants because this performance is going to be PERFECT for her acting reel.

After a lot of unnecessary “babe” references and inquiries concerning the wellbeing of Steph’s son, Brian is clearly “caught” and is hanging his head in defeat. He doesn’t put up a fight when Harrison commands that big Pauly show him the door. “BIG PAULY!” we all shouted from the couch. He’s the same burly man who helped escort Roz from the premises during Harrisongate. It was like seeing an old friend. Brian pilfered through mounds of clothes and suitcases among the remnants of a disgusting room he shares with other filthy boys, schlepped his wardrobe downstairs and was taken away in an unmarked black van. Not once did Stephanie even consider throwing rocks at his face. #growth

One-On-One Date
#HashTag

#HashTag drew the week three one-on-one date which traditionally takes place on the side of a building. Typically, one of the two participants are deathly afraid of heights and will use this time to grow closer as a couple because of the death-defying experience they are about to have with one another. This was not the case with #HashTag and Des. This does not mean they jumped off the side with reckless abandonment. No, no. They just sort of walked around, fell down and generally hung there. Once, Des executed a 360 twirl and they both did a back flip. #hoorayforactionsequences

Dinner on the roof proved to be just as vanilla. As they were about to discuss how sore their cores were feeling, a random gust of wind simultaneously blew down a potted plant stand, extinguished all 284 candles (#internshoutout) and disheveled the coveted rose until it became limp bud on its silver tray. Des and Hash decide to go swimming because she’s tired of her hair flying in her face. Unfortunately, the aggressive wind and the fact that this was filmed in early spring proved to be too much for the pair and numbness began to set in. Piling the beach towel on her head like a turban didn’t help. Neither did #HashTag mimicking her with his own turban. Then he went in for the most ill timed kiss in the history of this show. They gave up and went inside before their body temperature became dangerously low and the wind still refused to cooperate. #listentoMotherNaturekids
Des felt bad that her entire date was ruined by the Cheater, the lame window walk and the onset of a monsoon. Since #HashTag was such a great sport, she gave him a pity rose in the stairwell of the building because he was surely here for the right reasons. #gohashtag

Second One-On-One
Dan Draper
Big James
Juan Pablo
Bryden the Soldier boy
Shirtless Zak

This section of this recap is brought to you by Disney’s “Lone Ranger,” coming to a theater near you this July.

The boys are picked up in a vintage stage coach and taken to an old timey saloon where real live cowboy stunt doubles will be teaching them out to rope, draw a pistol and fight.

I’d like to pause for a moment to thank ABC for reading my super awesome blog. As you may recall from almost every post I’ve ever written, cowboys are ruggedly handsome, extremely manly and dressing as one can make any man hot. #truth

At the beginning, Des fake kicks a man’s butt in an antebellum dress. She spends the rest of the date swooning in a different antebellum dress. The boys watch a two minute “Lone Ranger” trailer on a mini iPad and then they are off to cowboy boot camp. #signmeup

I have to say that this was one of my favorite group dates in a long time. Who doesn’t love a cowboy, first of all, but I think what I liked most about it was that the guys seemed to genuinely get along with one another. Sure, there was a miniature Cowboy Triathlon competition that would stir the hearts of most guys with a pulse, but this group seemed to genuinely enjoy each other’s company. Zak was uncomfortable with his shirt on, but that didn’t stop him from popping his hip out when he shot his gun. And Dan didn’t even break character as his pants split while mounting the horse. Juan Pablo delivered his entire speech to the bad guys in Spanish, and then whispered sweet Latin nothings into Des’ ear as he carried her off into the sunset. To no one’s surprise, he won some alone time and wisely used his popcorn as “accidental” access to Des’ bosom and then took immediate action in order to retrieve a kernel from her cleavage. And she ate it up — literally and figuratively, because they made out right after that. #popcornresidue #yum

Later that night, Bryden stole her away. I refuse to think that it was his idea to sit in a tree side-by-side because that position is not conducive for making out. My point was further proven mere moments later when the camera caught them in an appropriate embrace making out in FRONT of the tree.

I’d also like the record to show that someone intervened by de-Cesaring Bryden’s hair. My money is on Juan Pablo. #ettubrute?

Shirtless Zak’s white teeth glowed in the dark. They were stuck in a surrey with the fringe on top. She complimented him for constantly smiling. He told her he wanted to go in for a kiss and then he decided not to. Somehow he translates this exchange into a strong connection.

Big James completely endears himself to Des and probably most of you. He shares that his father is sick at home, but he’s keeping a close eye from afar. He also admits to being concerned that she may not be into him as much as he’s into her, and if that’s the truth, then he’d like to go home immediately. To assure him that she’s glad he’s there, she gives him the rose. In return, he gives her a daisy. It was pretty cute. As they make out, I mentally place him in the same category as #HashTag. The presentation of the rose didn’t feel genuine.

Pool Party
Since Des is such a “girl next door” figure, she’s decided to NOT have a cocktail party. Instead, she wants to chill and hang at a pool party! The dudes oil up, push up and wait in anxious expectation for her arrival.

Ben the Villain manages to intercept our bachelorette before she makes her way to the back of the mansion. He requests a 15 minute road trip. He talks the entire time. #loveyourtanktop

As if fate would have it, Mikey T. and Federal Prosecutor just happened to be standing at the never-to-be-opened OPEN back gate, just as Des is pulling into the driveway with Ben. Their blood pressure slowly comes to a boil when they witness an affectionate kiss, followed by the promise to keep this little joy ride a secret. #doesthattankcomeinblue?

The day is full of fun and frivolity. A friendly game of volleyball ensues. Someone warns Brooks not to mix his pain meds with booze. Dan Draper offers Des a pizza that says, “Will you be my girlfriend or is this too cheesy.” Chris asks Ben if he has had any alone time, to which he answers no. Mikey T. witnesses this exchange.

Mikey T: “In order to hammer your point home, sometimes it has to get physical.”

Slow chant with me, won’t you? FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT! #fight

Mikey T. and the Federal Prosecutor take Ben around back to teach him a lesson, but instead of using their fists, they use vicious rhetoric. #wahwah

Meanwhile, Brandon convinces Des that he will hug her, squeeze her and call her George. He admits that he is head over heels in love and then pulls her in for an awkward kiss. She’s stunned. He’s confident.

Our Host arrives to clink his butter knife on the side of an ice cold beer bottle. He chuckles at the amount of dudes squished into a hot tub with Des and then orders them all to dry off, clean up and head downstairs for the rose ceremony.

Des’ dress? #bluerhinestonebarf

Roses go to:
Chris the Killer Dodgeball Player
Gentle Giant James
#HashTag
Solider Boy Bryden
Juan Pablo
Shirtless Zak
Brooks
Baby Face Drew
Other Zack
Brad
Federal Prosecutor
Mikey T.
Ben the Villain

Along with Brian the Cheater, Dan Draper and Brandon are ousted. Brandon implores that she has made a huge mistake and for a moment, I thought she was going to take it back when she ran after him. Instead, she just explained that the chemistry wasn’t there and he fell apart completely. I truly hope he gets some help because he has legitimate issues. I think it is good she let him go. I just wish she had done it at the pool.

What do y’all think? Are you still wondering who some of these guys are? (I’m looking at you Brad.) Is Chris a legitimate contender? Who’s the front runner? What do you think Chris Harrison smells like? Sound off in the comments section.

All about the fame, not the shame,

Lincee

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