Bachelorette Recap: If you can’t take the heat, get out of the oven

My dear friends! It’s so good to be back as Ashley vies for the affection among an array of 25 chach-tastic suitors. She wasted her moment in the spotlight with Hotter Than Crap Brad and now it’s her time to shine. There will be redemption. There will be drama. And there will be a dude on the toilet wearing a Hamburglar mask.

This…is The Bachelorette Season 7.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you poked on Facebook happens to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the nephew/former classmate of someone who is obsessed with the Hunger Games trilogy and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

Season seven opens with a brief montage of Ashley’s failed attempt to find true love as ABC forces us to relive her infamous “best date ever” with the weird carnie people, the Sports Illustrated swimsuit shoot and her kick to the curb in Africa courtesy of Bachelor Brad 2.0. Blond Ashley was intimidated by his hotness and never expected that he actually liked her. After her return home, she spent most of her days on remote beaches and quaint bridges overlooking dewy meadows as she pondered the true meaning of life, love and other mysteries. When Chantal turned the gig down, ABC came knocking at her door, promising a new beginning and amazing journey. As a result, she traded her golden mane for brunette locks, lost 10 pounds, shrunk an inch and apparently decided to ditch her dentistry career in order to live her dream of being a modern dancer on various empty stages across her city. Her scrubs have been donated to her 12-year-old dance student who plans on going to the eighth grade Halloween function as a dental hygienist this year. Brunette Ashley prefers brightly colored crocheted hats in various bold colors and cut-off belly shirts. You can imagine my disappointment when I fully expected Ashley to straddle a folding chair before jerking a long chain hanging from a huge bucket of water strategically placed on the previously mentioned empty stage while the ABC intern anxiously held the pause button for “What A Feeling” on the jambox. Instead, she opts to jank another iconic moment from pop culture movie history and schleps her miniature body up the 72 stone steps in front of the Philadelphia Museum of Art as the images of Rocky Balboa are conjured before our very eyes.

I just had one question.

WHERE IS OUR HOST CHRIS HARRISON?

And just like that, the scene changes. Is it a sizzling mirage bouncing off the freshly sprayed asphalt? No! It’s Harrison. Make way for the calm, cool, collected soul of this show because he’s back ladies and gentlemen. And he’s bringing the skinny tie back with him.

In perfect cadence and charisma, Our Host re-introduces Ashley to the audience. She steps forth from the limo wearing a nude colored formal gown sponsored by Swarovski crystals. Harrison escorts her inside the mansion and they dish about Brad’s hotness, Ashley’s nervousness and how some contestant from a previous show called Ashley to tell her that one of the Bachelors is not there for the right reasons.

I have to say that Harrison did a phenomenal job pretending that this was brand new information. Never has there been drama BEFORE the Bachelors even arrived. He warns Ashley to not give this guy the benefit of the doubt, pats her on the head and shoves her out the front door to greet her suitors while he gets his buzz on courtesy of a gin and tonic at the bar.

Let’s meet the Bachelors!

Ames
31
Portfolio Manager
New York, NY
Why you remember him:

Ames is in finance and, if my notes are correct, has degrees from Yale, Harvard, Columbia, Cornell, Dartmouth and Brown. He’s visited 70 countries, ran 14 marathons, is attracted to women who love their job and wears tan pants with blue blazers. Surely he has friends at ABC because he gave Ashley two tickets to the ballet…yet no one else who watches this show knew she was a dancer and have therefore inadvertently suffered through Tenley “dance from my heart” flashbacks from Pavelka’s season. Uncool Ames. Uncool.
Status: Rose

Anthony
28
Butcher
Saddle River, NJ
Why you remember him:

After taking time to confirm his dazzling good looks in the reflection of the limo window, the entire Blue Bunny Ice Cream watching party at my house broke into a spontaneous chorus of:

“No one’s big like Gaston
A king pin like Gaston
No one’s got a swell cleft in his chin like Gaston

As a specimen, yes, I’m intimidating!
My what a guy, that Gaston!”

Of course in this version of Beauty & the Beast, Belle is played by Snooki and everyone sings in a New Jersey accent.
Status: No rose

Ben C.
28
Lawyer
Lake Charles, LA
Why you remember him:

In case you didn’t get it the first time he spoke and the other three times he told you, Ben C. is fluent in French. After watching Love Actually, he decides to borrow some of Ashley’s cue cards and write out a message he will display through a window as she’s trying to have some alone time with other suitors. According to Ben’s poster board message, the guys she’s with seem cool, but the two of them haven’t talked yet and that makes him frowny face.
Status: Rose

Ben F.
28
Winemaker
Sonoma, CA
Why you remember him:

Ben F. steps out of the limo holding a bottle of wine and two glasses. As he pours Ashley a glass, you can’t help but singing, “You Raise Me Up” because he looks like Josh Groban. They toast to new beginnings, both take a sip and Ashley tells him it’s “perfact.” [While impersonating Ashley, it’s important to speak with a Kardashian accent. This is going to be every week people. Get used to it.]
Status: Rose

Bentley
28
Businessman
Tampa, FL
Why you remember him:

According to Ashley, Bentley is the scrub who is not in this for the right reasons. He currently lives in Salt Lake City, Utah. Hmmmm. Anyone else we know that lives in Utah? I’d be willing to bet the little birdie who chirped in our Bachelorette’s ear was none other than Crazy Michelle. Ashley is annoyed to learn that Bentley is hot. That will make hating him SO MUCH HARDER. Life can be so unfair at times. Once they have some alone time in the mansion, Bentley tells her that he has been married, divorced and has a daughter named Cozy. Wanna guess which island near Mexican this little bundle of joy was conceived? What are the odds that she has a brother named Taurus?

I digress. Bentley straight up admits to the camera that not only is he not attracted to Ashley, but he wishes Emily had been the Bachelorette. But he’ll stay around because he’s a competitive spirit and he’s in it to win it. And by the looks of the previews, he makes it pretty far.
Status: Rose

Blake
27
Dentist
Steamboat Springs, CO
Why you remember him:

Other than the fact that he’s blond and pretty with nice teeth, Blake is flying below the radar right now. Smart man.
Status: Rose

Chris D.
25
Sports Marketing Coordinator
Moline, IL
Why you remember him:

Chris D. would have been forgettable had he not introduced himself through the ever-creative medium known as “the white man’s rap.” Allow me to break down his stellar vocal stylings:

My name is Chris
I gotta take a piss
Baba ganoush
I am a douche
…or something like that…I can’t be sure.
Status: Rose

Chris M.
27
Construction Company CEO
Gibbons, Canada
Why you remember him:
You don’t.
Status: No rose, eh?

Constantine
30
Restaurant Owner
Atlanta, GA
Why you remember him:

As he steps out of the limo, you can’t help but singing, “You Raise Me Up” because he looks like a Greek Josh Groban. In order to be different than the Groban who served her wine, this Groban pulls out some hot pink dental floss, wisely chooses NOT to use the string at that moment and instead ties a piece around her left finger. She finds this charming and “perfact” and thanks “Ben, wait, I mean, Constantine” as he walks away.
Status: Rose

Frank
29
College Admissions Director
Anchorage
Why you remember him:

Frank steps out of the limo, gives our girl a good old fashioned wink and then picks her dainty frame up as he tangos her around the slippery driveway. I commend Ashley for her lack of freaking out. Later, Frank is the voice of reason to some of the Bachelors who are a bit on the ornery side. He tells them, “Look. If you can’t take the heat, get out of the oven.”

Exactly. You can’t lead a dead horse to water. Even if he does have a heart as big as gold. I’m sure he doesn’t want to be a pawn in a game of checkers, but sometimes you have to shoot from the seat of your pants. Ignorance is golden people. Ignorance is golden.
Status: No rose

JP
34
Construction Manager
Roslyn, NY
Why you remember him:

JP is a blue collar worker who is not afraid to wear pink as he purchases a wholesome meal of wine and onions at the market. He admits to Ashley that his boss calls him cupcake and Ashley shrieks with joy because she wants her husband to one day call her cupcake. It appears to be a match made in heaven.
Status: Rose

Jeff
35
Entrepreneur
St. Louis, MO
Why you remember him:

How could you forget Jeff? This will go down in Bachelor history as the year the producers officially didn’t give a rip about the show. No, Jeff was not having an identity crisis. Jeff is straight up crazy. And what better way to fly your freak flag than to wear a mask on national television as you try to mentally block out everyone at the cocktail party who is calling you Batman. This poor guy said that he didn’t want to be judged on his looks, so he decided to cover his face. And by “face” I mean the surface area around his eye balls and the bridge of his nose. After judging Ashley strictly on her appearance (“You look beautiful.”) he spent most of the night wandering around trying to locate a chandelier. No such luck.
Status: Rose

Jon
26
E-Commerce Exec
Vancouver, WA
Why you remember him:

Jon decided to hoist Ashley up over his shoulder as if he was a cave man and proceeded to walk off set. Security was called in to remind Jon that yes Ashley is indeed 85 pounds and no he does not have permission to treat her like a rag doll. Later on, I could have sworn he was trying to impress her by revealing he had a maroon corvette. I was corrected by my friend Emily that he said, “Marine Corps vet.” Then my mind went down a brief, yet determined thought process on why the Marine Corps. would need a vet? Are they helping the animals in the villages of Afghanistan? Because that’s pretty cool. Then after a total of 2.5 seconds, I realized vet stands for veteran. I told no one of this revelation. Ignorance is golden people. Ignorance is golden.
Status: No rose

Lucas
30
Oilfield Equipment Distributor
Odessa, TX
Why you remember him:

GO TEXAS! That’s all I got.
Status: Rose

Matt
28
Office Supply Salesman
Bridgewater, MA
Why you remember him:

I can see it now. Matt begs the producers to PLEASE let him take his cell phone in to the cocktail party because he REALLY wants to call his Mama and introduce her to Ashley. The producers look at each other, smile and put his name down in the category with Drunk Guy and Bruce Wayne, thrilled that the crazies are coming out to play on the first night. It’s times like this when I really miss Roberto.
Status: Rose

Michael
29
Technology Salesman
Providence, RI
Why you remember him:

Mike had a great opening line about how this is the first time he’s ever been excited to go see a dentist. Ashley committed a major party foul by offering him gas when she got inside. Mike looked at her quizzically, she looked like she wanted to melt into the glistening pavement and everyone at my Blue Bunny Ice Cream social laughed like we were prepubescent boys in health class. Later, Mike strums a guitar to get Ashley’s attention and my insides froze, thinking, “So help me if I hear one cord of anything having to do with they saying love don’t come easy…” Luckily, Mike threw the guitar in the swimming pool and confessed that he doesn’t know how to play. Somewhere, an ABC intern is crying that his autographed six string from He Who Must Not Be Named is ruined.
Status: No rose

Mickey
31
Chef
Rochester, NY
Why you remember him:

Mickey confidently strolled out of the limo and told Ashley that he has something to give her on behalf of all the men in America. Then he leaned in for a kiss and she simultaneously recoiled in terror and laughed nervously from embarrassment. DENIED. Mickey lies and tells everyone inside that he kissed her. Lame.
Status: Rose

Nick
26
Personal Trainer
Odessa, FL
Why you remember him:

I’m certain Nick would have been more memorable had he removed his shirt upon exiting the limo. However, he decided to recite some original poetry for our Bachelorette:

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I’ve got a soul patch
Word
Status: Rose

Rob
27
Technology Executive
Monroe, MI
Why you remember him:

[crickets chirping]

Ryan M.
27
Construction Estimator
Novi, MI
Why you remember him:

Ryan M. pulls a camera from his pocket and asks Ashley if she’ll pose for a picture. Then he gets into the picture. Then he decides it’s not good enough and takes another. FACEBOOK WORTHY! Then he asks Ashley if she’ll take a picture of him and Our Host Chris Harrison once they get inside.

I totally get this guy.
Status: Rose

Ryan P.
31
Solar Energy Executive
Fresno, CA
Why you remember him:

Ryan P. is a simple man with more than 600 employees. He is enthusiastic to say the least and thinks Ashley hung the moon and he will stop at nothing to tell her at least 12 times. And if she can’t figure it out from his verbal cues, Ryan P. decides to stand on the top of his solar-powered office building facing due west and rise his arms above his head making the perfect heart hand gesture, a la Taylor Swift in every concert she’s ever given.

I promise you it was exactly like this. Except the sunshine was pouring through the open heart part. You have my permission to be physically ill now.
Status: First impression rose

Stephen
27
Hairstylist
Portland, CT
Why you remember him:

As he steps out of the limo, you can’t help but singing, “You Raise Me Up” because he looks like a long-haired Harlequin Romance cover version of Josh Groban. In order to be different than the Groban who served her wine and the Groban who tied dental floss around her finger, Ashley takes a Sharpie and places a tiny mark on his tan suit.
Status: Rose

Tim
35
Liquor Distributor
Massapequa, NY
Why you remember him:

Tim’s my boy. Home slice was drunk when he exited the limo and his brain refused to connect with his vocal cords, leaving him a bumbling, stumbling idiot in the freshly sprayed driveway. His inebriated state made him super paranoid and freaked out that a masked man was watching him from the balcony. He tells Ashley that he is a “wineandspiritdistributor” which she confuses with “wind and spurs” distributor. Tim soon comes belligerent when no one will get him the one thing he wants…a grilled cheese sandwich. Later, when his head became so heavy that his neck was no longer able to hold it up, Tim decided to take a little cat nap on the wicker furniture out by the pool. Low and behold, Ashley sends two of the blonds, the Neanderthal who slung her over his shoulder and one of the Grobans out to pick him up and haul him to the rejection sedan. I think she should have given him a chance to show her what he’s got when he’s sober, but that’s just me. Harrison was laughing uncontrollably has he bestowed a complimentary Bachelor Mansion trash can in his arms as a souvenir. He’ll need something to remember the night!
Status: No rose

West
30
Lawyer
Walhalla, SC
Why you remember him:

In West’s hometown “get to know the Bachelors” visit, we learn that his wife died in a tragic accident. Ready to find love, West gives Ashley a compass. He tells her when she feels lost, he hopes this will help her find her way back. Then he has to explain the schtik…his name is West…opposite of east…compass…love…journey…yadda, yadda, yadda.
Status: Rose

William
30
Cellular Phone Salesman
Fostoria, OH
Why you remember him:

William has trouble with umbrellas. Williams laughs all the time. William is a boy stuck in a man’s body. Although his Sean Connery needs a little work, William can do a mean Shaggy impersonation. Zoiks!
Status: Rose

There you have it. Ashley was able to narrow 25 guys down to 18. And from the looks of this season, it’s going to be FULL of drama, suspense and tears in Asian looking countries. I can’t wait!

I’m all about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee

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