‘The Bachelorette’ recap: Liar, liar pants on fire
Like buongiorno! Like last night was so, like, full of fake drama, that I like, stopped listening and like started counting like all the likes in Andi’s like vocabulary, because like it was like more entertaining than like actually like watching the show. Like, do you know what I mean?
Like there are only, like, eight guys left and like Andi is really like, confused because like she like likes a lot of them, you know? Let’s like dig in.
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you liked on Instagram happen to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the twerking instructor of someone who is obsessed with the fictional life of Jamie and Claire Fraser like me and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
This week we are floating down the canals of Venice, Italy. I hear it’s the perfect place to fall in love. It’s also the perfect place for men to wear long scarves with hot pink shorts. The boys stumble off the boat and run straight into Andi. Most are confused. Where’s the fancy hotel? Where’s the balcony with which they will be forced to stand and overlook the exact place where Andi will be leaving for a date later? WHERE IS THE GARDEN TUB?
Guess what? The first one-on-one date starts right now. There is no card. There is no cryptic message. There’s only a waiting gondola with a driver who is being paid extra to sign the waiver allowing his face to be featured on this ridiculous American television show.
The bros shuffle their feet, knowing that Beefcake Cody is about to be whisked away. He’s the only suitor who has yet to score a one-on-one date. Everyone is surprised when Andi takes Nick’s hand and leads him away from the others. To quote Andi, she’s like giving Nick like a chance to like redeem himself from being like a total chach on the mime date.
Cody puts his hoodie hood up in frustration. This is his brooding stance. His attitude doesn’t change when he’s led to the fancy hotel, even when the others encourage him to squish in the tub.
Nick and Andi hug on bridges, eat pizza, compliment artwork and allow dirty birds to land on various body parts. When they step into the gondola, Nick immediately apologizes for being such a door knob during the group date. At least I think he apologized. He sort of talked in circles. I heard the words cocktail party and sour grapes. Andi had her annoyed pouty face on, so I’m not sure she fully grasped what was going on either.
There wasn’t time to decipher. The kissing bridge was coming up and she needed to tell him the significance of the moment.
Andi: “Like, the story goes that like if you like kiss under not that bridge there, but that bridge over there, then you will like have eternal love or something.”
Nick salutes the major green light he’s been given. He takes a running start and begins making out at the first structure and is still hot and heavy by the time they get to the second eternal love bridge. The ABC Intern following along with the camera man in the adjacent gondola was instructed to slip Andi’s driver a few hundred bucks in exchange for not rolling his eyes on camera.
Nick: “I’m glad we cleared that up.”
Andi: “Well – like, nothing is guaranteed.”
Lincee: “Would you like for me to get you a dead horse so you can beat it?”
It’s time for dinner. Someone dresses Nick in a striking tuxedo. Andi waddles to her gondola in a tight-fitting dress with a train comprised of roughly 17 yards of fabric. She holds a mask up to her face, a clear symbol that she thinks Nick is still putting up boundaries when it comes to their relationship.
I have no idea if that is true. I made it up because the fact that she’s holding a mask up to her face is a complete mystery. Nor do I care. Like, moving on!
They have dinner in a gorgeous atrium. The ABC Intern drags the horse carcass out again and hands Andi a Louisville Slugger.
Andi: “Did I like miss something the other night? Like I thought you were so, like, sweet so when, like other dudes like talk about how like arrogant you are, it’s like unattractive.”
Nick explains that Cody accused him of being overconfident.
Andi: “Do you, like think that you are like a front-runner?”
Nick takes a deep breath, looks her in the eye and delivers an honest answer:
“I feel incredibly comforted by the connection we have. It’s hard to imagine anyone else having that connection. I don’t want to be disrespectful to the guys. You’re my number one priority. I don’t want to lose you. When we have these conversations, concerns, doubts, I see someone who will make me a better person, challenging me. I can confidently say I’m definitely falling in love. We have a long way to go, but I definitely am. It’s very easy with you.”
Andi eats it up and gives him the rose. She also invites him to the ball and gives him his own mask. Nick clearly hates it, wishing for something a little more Zorro instead of the peacock face he was given. Andi escorts him to another private concert and soon finds that the beak portion of the flamboyant mask prohibits her from properly making out with the dude who just said he was falling in love.
“RIP IT OFF AND TOSS IT ON THE GROUND,” I yelled at the TV.
She didn’t. She carefully untied his mask, waddled over to the edge of the designated dancing area and placed them on the ground. This took 10 minutes because her dress was so tight.
The announcement of the group date participants quickly pulled Beefcake Cody out of his depression. The omission of his name solidified his place as the second one-on-one date participant. He celebrated by sitting in the sauna with his nemesis Nick, giving him dirty looks.
This just in: The Pantsapreneur manufactures shorts too! Half the size of pants, twice the character. We still don’t know if he’s in the capri or pedal pusher market. The anticipation is killing me.
Andi leads the guys to a castle and introduces them to two men in the Italian Mob. We all know Andi will not tolerate dishonesty. To prove it, she makes the boys take a polygraph test. This stresses everyone out. None are more disturbed than Josh.
“Trust is a huge part of a relationship. She told me the other day she trusted me and now I have to take a lie detector test? Is she going to make me do that in 20 years when we’re married?”
Yes Josh. That’s exactly what she’s going to do. I hear Crate & Barrel have a lovely selection of polygraphs available at their flagship stores and online.
Here’s are the lovely anecdotes I took away from this date:
- Italy is Andi’s favorite country.
- Andi is unpatriotic.
- Josh is here for the right reasons.
- If Josh is here for the right reasons, I’m dating Our Host Chris Harrison.
- JJ is good in bed.
- Good for JJ.
- Dylan does not wash his hands after he goes to the bathroom.
- The entire mansion is going to get pink eye.
- The Farmer is the secret admirer.
- Everyone farts in public.
- Everyone laughs when asked if they fart in public.
- Newsflash: Guido 1 asked if they had ever “fought” in public.
- WE NEED MORE GUIDO!
Dylan pulls Andi aside, apologizing that he has to leave the polygraph party because he’s not feeling well. Either the conjunctivitis is setting in or he’s really embarrassed for Andi to find out from his lie detector test that he has slept with more than 20 women.
Guido 1 and Guido 2 appear from the shadows, one holding the results envelope in his hand. According to The Godfather, three men told zero lies, one man told two lies and two men told three lies. Andi told two lies.
To keep things in perspective, Andi’s questions were more along the lines of, “were you able to breathe in that tight dress last night” verses “did you get a boob job for the show?” For the record, she lied about Italy being her favorite country and that she thought all the guys were there for the right reasons.
Josh is livid that Andi is dramatically waving the envelope around, teasing the remaining men that she will finally know their deep, dark secrets. Instead, she ripped up the results and headed off to the cocktail party.
What a waste.
Coach intercepts her at the beginning of the party and takes her off to a secluded part of the castle to perform his own lie detector test. He places her hand on his heart and encourages her to ask him whatever she wanted.
Andi: “Like, is your name Brad?”
Andi: “Like, have you like lied to a girlfriend?”
Andi: “Like, have you told a girl that she like looked good when she really didn’t?”
Now it’s Coach’s turn. He missed a big opportunity to get to second base, and chose to check Andi’s heart rate through the pulse on her wrist instead of grabbing her boob. Coach is classy.
Coach: “Have you been in love?”
Coach: “Wanna make out?”
Coach: “You’re lying!”
And then they make out on the bench. Coach is definitely growing on me as the weeks go by. Well played.
The other guys are making fun of the secret admirer for not having the cojones to just sign his name. BE A MAN! Ironically, The Farmer was all up on this bandwagon. That seemed odd to me. I felt a twinge of something “not right” with The Famer this entire exchange. Why didn’t he just keep his mouth shut?
He quickly finds Andi because the pressure of this huge secret killing him. For a solid 10 minutes, I convinced myself that his big secret was something horrible. Perhaps he had a few sister wives? Had he killed a man on the farm by accident? They’ve built this up too much. Surely the fact that he was the secret admirer was not the big huge secret he was going to tell Andi.
He didn’t have to tell her. She figured it out on her own. She, like, totally knew it was him.
Marcus, on the other hand, is still a mystery to Andi. He’s a bump on a log most of the time, but it takes a few seconds sitting on a bench for him to tell Andi that he loves her. He also admits that he almost left a couple of times. This is Bachelor Franchise Strategy 101. Naturally Andi freaks out that SHE FORGOT THAT HE HAS FEELINGS TOO. She makes a mental note for Marcus to feel special.
Josh is a different story. It’s a good thing he wore that scarf with his t-shirt, because things are frigid when it comes to Andi. Making him take a lie detector test is PROOF that she doesn’t trust him. Andi rolls her eyes and tells him that he’s reading too much into this. He disagrees.
Her eyes squint. The lips assume their annoyed pout. She puts on her District Attorney hat and dares Josh to continue. Noticing the pursed lips, he realizes that he has struck a nerve. He panics and begins to shower her with compliments.
Josh: “I like this relationship.”
Andi: “Like? Give me another word besides, like!”
Lincee: “Hi pot? This is kettle. You’re black.”
Josh continues to dig his own grave. His stance: Andi should totally trust him now that they’ve made out a couple of times. Her stance: WHAT IS HE HIDING?
She gives the ABC Intern a pertinent look and he runs to fetch the horse. She beats it for another 10 minutes before heading to the rose ceremony, where in a surprise twist to me, The Farmer scores the coveted rose bud boutonniere instead of Coach.
Everyone clamors around The Famer, congratulating him on his big win. Everyone except JJ who calls BS.
JJ: “We shouldn’t be happy. It means are fate is at risk.”
Lincee: “I think the pants already did that to you buddy.”
Farmer: “What’s the alternative? Not speaking to each other? That’s BLEEP.”
Lincee: “Tighten up Farmer. You’ve got the rose.”
Coach: “Someone is going to end up with Andi. I’m going to try my hardest to be that guy. I’ll focus on the next opportunity.”
Lincee: “GAME ON COACH!”
Josh: “My heart hurts. And my eye itches. What’s going on?”
Lincee: “Embrace the heartache and pink eye.”
SECOND ONE-ON-ONE DATE
Andi takes Beefcake Cody to Verona. She looks the opposite of happy to see him. I’m not sure if it was the mere fact that she’s just not in to The Code Man or if it was her jacked up skort that was wedged so far up her butt, I felt uncomfortable.
She takes him to Juliet’s balcony and he vows to be her Romeo. She says she has something special for him. I wondered if it was a creatine shake, just like the ones Shakespeare used to make. No such luck. The big surprise is that they are going to re-enact the boring parts of that movie Letters to Juliet.
Andi dumps out a huge basket of letters written to Juliet, and tells Cakes that they are going to give romantic advice to lovelorn souls across the world. Even though she’s not digging The Beef’s chili AND she had a dude who has been writing her love letters for an entire season, she tells the camera that Cody is like the best person for this date and she can’t like think of anyone else who would like, like this better than like him.
I tune out, going back to that fantasy about dating Harrison as Cakes reads AN ENTIRE LETTER 16 PAGES FRONT AND BACK written by some dude Jason who just so happens to have the exact same story as Cody’s current situation. There’s a girl. He likes her. He doesn’t know if she likes him. What does he do?
Instead of telling him to drown his sorrows at the nearest vineyard, Beef writes a response that was roughly 16 PAGES FRONT AND BACK giving all sorts of advice on how to get the girl.
Not once did he instruct the young lad to wear a plunging deep-neck t-shirt with a blazer. I guess Andi isn’t the only one who packed for open heart surgery. Andi, on the other hand, made a bold decision to not wear pants during dinner.
They sit down in a courtyard and Cody pulls out ANOTHER LETTER! In the history of this franchise, I’ve never had to sit through so many dramatic readings in one episode. And you know how much journaling goes during this show, not to mention Chris and Des’ love for a perfectly constructed haiku.
I snap back to attention when Cody begins pouring his heart out. He goes on and on and one. I hid behind the couch cushion. I hid behind the computer screen. I hid behind the actual couch. I am screaming for someone to, “TELL ME WHAT IS HAPPENING?” Lara provides commentary, letting me know that Andi is not looking at him, she’s pursing her lips, she’s beginning to cry, she’s still not looking at him.”
It lasted a lifetime. For someone who loves to talk, she certainly didn’t say a word as Cody’s guts spilled all around her.
She finally stopped him and immediately began crying, spewing surface-level compliments between “it’s like not you, it’s like me” babble. Still behind my computer screen, Lara offers that Cody isn’t getting it.
So Andi keeps going, and going and going. Beating the camel [toe], beating the camel [toe], beating the camel [toe]. The Beef cries in the rejection limo. It’s like a knife in his heart. Fortunately, blood did not get on his shirt.
We cut to the mansion where the boys are sitting around. It’s obviously cold because Josh is wearing a beanie. A bellhop walks in and grabs The Codes bag full of protein shakes. Everyone seems floored that she sent him home.
Motricia walks into the rose ceremony holding area and Nick immediately snatches her up before she can even greet the other guys. The Farmer calls Nick a BLEEP and Dylan sulks because he should have manned up and swooped in first.
Nick can’t help but kiss Andi when they turn the corner and she looooooves it. The Farmer calls Nick a BLEEPity BLEEP and then forces Dylan to man up and interrupt their tryst. Dylan’s germy hands slick back his unwashed hair and he goes in for the kill as Marcus, Josh and The Farmer talk smack about Nick.
Later, Josh apologizes for thinking Andi doesn’t trust him (again), Marcus tells Andi he’s falling in love (again), JJ goes in for an awkward kiss (again) and Coach pulls out ANOTHER FREAKING LETTER and reads it to Andi.
Our Host Chris Harrison walks in with the remnants of a torn up lie detector test in his front breast pocket. He smells of musk, determination and seeing a man about a horse. He sits patiently, beside the Pier One bureau displaying headshots of the remaining men, as Andi recounts the activities from the previous 110 minutes. At the 37th “like” he cuts her off and escorts her to the rose ceremony den where Andi sends JJ home.
So long reject-apreneur
Next week, the troupe travels to Belgium. Waffles for everyone!
All about the shame, not the fame,