The Bachelorette Recap: Rodeo Drive, Baby

The Bachelorette Recap: Season 13, Episode 3

The phrase “I like Rachel,” and “This is going to be such a good season,” was proclaimed on more than one ocassion last night. Our bachelorette proves time and time again that she’s taking the process seriously and she has no problem dismissing riffraff from her lineup. Rachel is going to have fun, but she’s also going to find a husband in the process. If you’re not here for the right reasons (right reasons), she will have no problem showing you to the door.

In some cases, she will have no problem showing you the door…again.

That’s right. DeMario is back and he’s requested a private audience with Rachel. Flanked by Harrison and that dude Pauly who wears black and schleps the loser’s suitcase after one-on-one dates, Rachel marches into the courtyard to give DeMario the chance to redeem himself since he played the total jack wagon role on national television the night before.

DeMario respects the imaginary line Our Host Chris Harrison drew in the concrete. He stands at attention as Rachel saunters up in her slinky dress with a black, furry shrug made from a Muppet villain. She shakes DeMario’s hand and waits while he pleads his case using terminology like “I didn’t keep it 100,” and “I was caught off guard,” and “I want to be able to move forward tonight.” His big finish is a favorite quote:

“In order to experience joy, you have to experience pain. I’m begging you. Give me a chance.”

He goes on to explain that “his driver” (read: the Uber guy) told him to not take no for an answer. DeMario looks at Rachel expectantly. The men gather in the driveway with Harrison, blatantly eavesdropping. Like the rest of us, they assume Mike Fleiss has negotiated a way for Rachel to be cool with DeMario returning into the fold. That’s traditionally how things are handled, right?

Welcome to Rachel’s season!

Our girl confidently explains to DeMario that he is a boy and she’s looking for a man. Although she appreciates his newfound freedom to move forward in a spirt of joy gathered from pain, Rachel makes it very clear that he will not be moving forward into the mansion. She will not have him waste any more of her time, or the MEN waiting for her fifty feet away.

LAWYERED.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you Snap happen to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the Starbucks barista who obsessed with Poldark and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

Back in the mansion, Rachel relaxes into the familiar routine of hot men vying for her attention. Tickle Monster tries to make his move using huge, puppet-like hands. He strokes her arm, pats her head, and watches as the creepy fingers try to twirl Rachel’s hair. It’s enough to make Adam Jr. jealous, for sure. Alex has a conversation while solving a Rubik’s cube. Kenny shows her pictures of his daughter. Will dunks a basketball into a child’s goal and celebrates his victory with a quick kiss.

And them there’s Whaaaboom. During his alone time with the bachelorette, he tattles on the drummer boy Blake for eating a banana while standing over his bed when Whaaaboom was sleeping. Rachel does what any normal person would do in this situation. She confronts the Drummer Boy, willing this scenario to be a figment of Whaaaboom’s active imagination.

Blake claims the accusations are false. He could have come up with a thousand reasons why this story was fabricated, but the one he chooses to go with this:

“That’s untrue. I don’t eat carbs. I’m on a ketogenic diet.”

B-L-E-S-S.

ROSE CEREMONY
Dean
Peter
Josiah
Bryan
Wolverine Firefighter
Eric
Mr. Clean Anthony
Will
Tickle Monster
Jack Stone
Penguin
Alex
Adam
Kenny
Male Model Brady
Lee
Iggy
Freddy P.
Diggy
Adam Jr.

We all knew Jamey was a goner. Remember how he sat so far away from Rachel on the couch last week? But kudos to our girl for kicking both Whaaaboom and Drummer Boy Blake to the curb. It’s a shame they both resorted to such juvenile lengths during their exit interviews. I bet Blake is re-thinking his decision to reenact Whaaaboom’s whaaaboom on camera. Additionally, that “waka waka / fart noise” bit will forever haunt him on YouTube.

Ten bucks says Whaaaboom shows up on the last day in Paradise.

FIRST GROUP DATE
Bryan
Tickle Monster
Peter
Alex
Will
Freddy P.

For the first time in the history of the show, the contestants are invited to the Ellen Show so the host can help Rachel weed out some of the more unfortunate suitors. Rachel wears a teeny tiny dress, complete with cold shoulders to the set. For some reason, Alex chooses to wear splatter painted hammer pants and Peter bundles up in an oatmeal-colored old man sweater.

Get your head in the game, Peter. You are in a silver fox category like the Trivago guy. OWN IT.

Ellen immediately has problems with Tickle Monster for the sole fact that he tickled Rachel during his icebreaker. I stand firmly in that camp with Ellen.

Naturally, Ellen makes all the guys peel off their top layers so they can Magic Mike the women in the audience. Will, Alex, and Bryan hump anything that is breathing, including a darling grandmother in the front row. I still have a crease on my cheek from pressing the couch cushion into my face to make it stop.

It never stopped. The unfortunate moment drags on forever. Once when I peeked, I saw Tickle Monster’s creamy white back. Another time I saw Bryan’s heavenly abs. Sadly, I also witness Alex double timing his pelvic thrust as a complete stranger shoves singles in his underwear.

I guess the fact that Alex was wearing underwear was a silver lining.

At the end of the segment, Ellen plays “I Have Never” with the six guys. We learn that Alex and Peter have never thought about having relations with Rachel. This means they are both gentlemen liars. We also learn that Alex peed in the pool at the mansion, as well as took a nude selfie. Don’t worry. It was classy.

Freddy admits to hooking up with someone twice his age (surprise) and also admits that he knew Rachel going into the show. This revelation seems to make some of the other men uncomfortable. That emotion is turned on Freddy when he discovers that three of the men surrounding him had already made out with Rachel. He vows that he will bite the bullet and makes his childhood dream come true.

He makes his move at the cocktail party. Instead of going in for the kill, Freddy P. decides to monologue his feelings:

Freddy: “There are so many guys ahead of me right now.”
Rachel: “Huh?”
Lincee: “Oh dear.”

Freddy: “The first kiss means a lot.”
Rachel: “Huh?”
Lincee: “Nooooooooooooo…”

Freddy: “I’ve been waiting to kiss you for a few decades.”
Rachel: “Okay…”
Lincee: “Can the ABC Intern fetch Kenny or Bryan or Peter to show Freddy P. how this is done, please?”

Freddy: “I don’t know when the time will be right.”
Rachel: “Mmm hmm.”
Lincee: “I think it was in 1999.”

Freddy: “So I’m going to ask you if I can kiss you because I want you to be comfortable.”
Rachel: “Well don’t do it now, because I feel awkward. No one has ever asked me before.”
Lincee: [Insert praise hands emoji here.]

Of course Freddy P. decides this is the perfect time to go in for the big kiss. The one he’s been waiting for since he was a young whipper snapper at Camp Rock. Rachel is wearing a black jumper with a cold diaphragm and pink, shimmery lipstick. Clearly the stars have aligned.

During his interview, Freddy P. describes the kiss with his “future wife” using an interjection closely related to the whaaaboom phrase we’ve all come to hate.

Great. It’s contagious.

Rachel takes the rose and invites Freddy P. to join her in an adjacent room away from the other fellas. She tells him that she can’t reciprocate his feelings because when he makes out with her, it’s like she’s kissing that little camp kid. Rachel is all about keeping it 100. If that means rejecting her future husband, then so be it. She waves good-bye with one hand and holds the rose with the other. Then she gives it to Alex.

ONE ON ONE
Mr. Clean Anthony
This date is brought to you by the good folks over at Sprinkles Cupcakes.

I was confused for the Rodeo Drive portion of this date. If I learned anything from Pretty Woman, it’s that you’re supposed to glide into the snootiest of boutiques holding tons of packages while looking divine so you can tell the sales girl that she made a BIG MISTAKE…HUGE…by not waiting on you the previous day. Never once did Vivian gallop in on an actual horse.

Moreover, as a native Texan, the entire boot shopping exchange was equally puzzling. First, Texans can be particular about our boot-buying habits. Mainly, we want you to purchase your boots from an actual boot store. More times than not, the sales staff in this store will not be wearing felt fedoras and skinny jeans. With that said, I’m happy that Mr. Clean is going to participate in the boot-buying experience.

I will say that Rachel needed to dissuade him from selecting fire engine red boots as his foray into the boot-wearing world, but Mr. Clean is just so darn cute in his cowboy hat that I’ll allow it. What I won’t allow is trying on your boots while sitting on a horse. Now how can that in any way be helpful? PS: Wear socks.

After the boot store, Rachel and MC visit one of those fancy boutiques. I so wanted Rachel to buy a tie for Edward MC, but she got him a letterman’s jacket in a size too small for his massive frame. Even the horse was irritated. I knew by the rather large, blurred out dump he took on this darling store’s floor. The ABC Intern did not sign up for this.Clean up on aisle twelve! #livinthedream

That night, Rachel and MC dine on the side of a cliff overlooking the L.A. skyline. MC shares a little bit about his semi-perfect childhood and his desire to have kids. Rachel rewards him with a rose and a makeout session in front of a jazz combo showcasing who I assume is the new Kenny G. There must have been some serious chemistry for ABC to show so little of their dinner together. Rachel likes that he’s an old soul. I like him too, but feel the need to remind y’all that he is 26-years-old. Will Rach go for someone six years her junior? Dean is that age, too.

SECOND GROUP DATE
Male Model Brady
Dean
Adam
Kenny
Wolverine
Lee
Jack Stone
Eric
Adam Jr.

All of the guys gather into the sunken living room when they hear Rachel arrive with her girls. Jasmine, Corinne, Sholphin, and Raven (in a white crisscross bodysuit) all squeal and giggle as they escort the lucky group date boys to the party bus. Since Wolverine is a firefighter, Raven makes him work the pole. Kenny shoves him aside to show the boy how real men grind.

Raven takes this time to ask Wolverine which dude in the house is a red flag. She does the same to Lee. Both choose Eric.

Who’s Eric you say? I’m glad you asked. He’s the unfortunate one who doesn’t have a set of abs to show off during the mud wrestling tournament. Bless him.

The girls put on clear overcoats to protect their denim panties and fresh weaves from flinging mud. Male Model Brady longs for one to protect his high hair, but no dice. He’s forced into the pit anyway. One-by-one, the dudes are crushed by Kenny the Wrestler. I was confident someone was either going to bleed or choke on the mud. No one did. Most of the participants were good sports. That was a nice turn of events.

Rachel’s entourage is all about Dean. Raven spills the beans that everyone is suspicious of Eric, which is a bit of a stretch. This concerns Rachel enough to confront Eric about her findings. She makes sure to include Wolverine and Lee’s names in her questioning. Eric goes straight to the two dudes who threw him under the bus and demands an explanation. What gives?

Somehow Wolverine opts out with a generic, “You have the least connection with her right now.” This is a safe answer because Eric complains all that time that he is the only one without a connection. Lee’s answers are a little more cloudy, due to the fact that Lee is a master manipulator. Eric ends in a place where he convinces himself that all the other dudes are jealous of him for some reason. This feeling is totally validated when Rachel gives him the date rose.

ROSE CEREMONY
Rachel arrives looking gorgeous in a sparkly dress similar to the one she wore on night one. Thank goodness it’s white. It will go with everything, including Alex’s crazy purple and black zebra print suit, Will’s periwinkle ensemble, and Wolverine’s yellow jacket.

Iggy is the first up for some one-on-one time. He uses it to tattle on Eric. Something about protecting her when Eric flipped out the previous night. Then Iggy goes to Eric to “come clean” that he told Rachel all about their spat. The conversation somehow concludes with Iggy and Eric agreeing on this “opportunity for growth.”

Meanwhile, Lee uses his one-on-one time to talk about Eric, too. He also reports on the Iggy/Eric verbal fight. This is when I officially became bored of this storyline. Lee admits to the camera that he’s purposely taking advantage of Eric’s naivety. Had he sported a long mustache, he probably would have curled it with this thumb and pointy finger.

Rachel heads back to Eric to discuss the issues…again. She wants him to make sure he’s always himself, but she does admit that her radar is up since so many guys have a problem with him.

Eric asks all the guys to come together for a quick pow-wow. He wants them to know that he is aware that his name has been in everyone’s mouth this week. He wants it to stop. Make the journey about Rachel — not the other guys. Some of the guys balk and Eric gets upset. He wonders if he’s a threat?

Lee intervenes, reminding him that every person in the mansion is a threat to the others. It’s not about Eric. Quit making it about Eric.

Again, Eric shouts that IT IS ABOUT HIM, because everyone is talking ABOUT HIM.

Then Fleiss flashes his favorite “TO BE CONTINUED” text over the screen. So annoying.

Is Eric overtired? Or is he unable to handle the testosterone-filled pressure of living in filth with a bunch of dudes? Could it be something more? We see footage of Rachel crying next week, sad that she “knew she was going to have to talk about this.” I assume she’s alluding to race?

Who do you think is out next week? My guess is Iggy for tattling and Male Model Brady for that booger bit. It wouldn’t surprise me if the Tickle Monster’s time is up either. Thoughts? Sound off in the comments section! I’ll see you there this week!

Photo By: ABC.com

Comments

117 Comments on "The Bachelorette Recap: Rodeo Drive, Baby"

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Deebee

The Tickle Monster needs to go! Did the guy pack a suitcase full of props?! Also I’m still trying to wrap my head around the whole Whaboom/Wanna be Drummer exit interaction. Sad to say but I think Whaboom won that one, haha.

Jude

I AGREE, Deebee! Whaboom…clearly took THAT one!

KarenS
KarenS

It seemed like Rachel really enjoyed those giant hands. She had ‘arm on almost the entire 1:1 time, touching his face and stuff. It was hilarious. The tickling still creeps me out. Apparently he’s actually a doctor?! Haha

Mindy

I thought their exit was one of the most hilarious things I’ve seen in a long time!

Kelli

Me too! I couldn’t decide if they were joking or not. When I realized that they weren’t joking, it was even funnier!

Chris
Chris

Was Mister Clean used by the ABC Interns to clean the floor at the store where “Mister Clean” bought a jacket? Inquiring minds want to know.

islandchic
islandchic

LOL, that’s a good one Chris.

Karen
Karen

I loved Rachel’s speech to Demario! Finally, someone who realizes that a real relationship has no time for games and double talk.

Allison
Allison

I didn’t see the point of her bringing the rose with her when she sent Fred home. I thought that was rude. They had a good story and I almost wished it would have worked out for them.

Also, Eric kept screaming g about a mouf…what is a mouf?? 😉

Deebee

The rose thing was quite cruel………….. LOL re “mouf.”

Jessica
Jessica

Agree about the rose- AND “mouf!” That kept me giggling.

Marie-Eve
Marie-Eve

I loved that the thing Blake found most offensive about the banana-eating-whilst-watching-Whaaboom-sleep was that he would eat carbs. Lol.

And while Jonathan needs to go, I loved his “Maybe it was a kiss on the cheek…which I haven’t done that either.”

Marie-Eve
Marie-Eve

And all the drama about Eric had my rolling my eyes Robert Downey Jr. style (*insert gif*) I don’t see him, or any of the guys who were tattling lasting long in the house.

Crystal
Crystal

Could the Freddy/Rachel “kiss” go down as the most awkward in Bachelorette history???
Lincee: “Can the ABC Intern fetch Kenny or Bryan or Peter to show Freddy P. how this is done, please?”

And Tickle Monster’s “creamy white back”? Eeeewwwwww!

Jenny B
Jenny B

Most awkward is always ALWAYS Jamie from Ben Flajnik’s season! (youtube it.. there was straddling, it was sad, she had much more success on ‘Married at First Sight’)

Jenna
Jenna

I had flashbacks to Jamie and Ben F. while I was squirming about Fred and Rachel. I think they’re tied on the awkwardness level.

Crystal
Crystal

I quit watching Ben F.’s season after week 3 or 4, I’ll have to YouTube it!

Babs
Babs

Agreed!!! I still cringed for poor Jamie.

Rachel
Rachel

Oh my gosh that’s hilarious!!!!!

Crystal
Crystal

Yuckkkkkkk!

Jenna
Jenna

Do you think Rachel’s a fan of the New England Patriots? The Tickle Monster looks so much like Gronkowski and that’s the only reason I can think of for her letting him stick around.

Kelli
Kelli

Did anyone else think that the exchange between whaboom and the drummer was staged? Meaning they planned it before the show started? They do know each other. The look on their faces at the rose ceremony was priceless! Where was Ashton with the air horn? And if whaboom was asleep, how would he know that the drummer was licking a banana? And that’s what the drummer came up with? Awesome.

When Fred kissed Rachel, I started screaming PINEAPPLE!!!! Kevin (the dog) did NOT appreciate being woken up out of his doggie slumber by some weirdo screaming about fruit. Was this an inappropriate use of our safe word? I even commented that Rachel pulled a Ben Higgins (remember him ditching Olivia on the deserted island?) So in addition to a Mesnick, we have a Higgins move.

Tickle Monster is just creepy.

Crystal
Crystal

After reading your comment, i do think it was staged! The exchange was just so…….weird.

Christine
Christine

Kelli, I always look forward to your Kevin references. And Kevin has to be one of the best dog names ever. What breed of dog is he?

Kelli
Kelli

He’s a black and white terrier mix of some sort. His head is all terrier, but his body is long, not weiner dogish, but more Dandy Dinmont terrier looking. If I could post a picture I would, because he is very handsome.

Jennymoose
Jennymoose

German Shepard! You and Michael will love him!

Christine
Christine

Jennymoose, I know you and you are incorrigible!

Julie Eps
Julie Eps

I totally thought it was staged too! When the drummer boy put his arm around whaboom in their final interview I swear it looked like they were trying not to laugh! And also, drummer boy kept saying whaboom over and over and over again! I think they were working together to get more whabooms mentioned. And I laughed at their argument so it kinda worked. Loved your comment!

Helen
Helen

I also thought it was staged. It just had that whiff of bad acting all around it. But I have to say, I really had an LOL when whaboom was talking about the banana incident, and how he thinks Blake has a crush on him. If I were Rachel, I would have burst out laughing, truly!

Saggleo
Saggleo

Agree with all of this.

I screamed pineapple too! Poor Fred. He was sweet.

Kelly
Kelly

I totally thought that too!! They probably planned to be enemies on the show, but are probably best buds!

Lora
Lora

Great recap as always! But I’m shocked the man on man jump and straddle didn’t make the recap! That was a first!

Frank
Frank

(Trademark pending)
I said the same to my wife when i saw it! Lol

AnneE
AnneE

I think the fact that they had to drag out the Waboom/Blake drama means that there wasn’t that much going on in the house, which is a good thing. Once they were gone, I guess the producers had to prod Iggy to get in Eric’s business. Eric did do a little too much sharing with the guys about how he and Rachel don’t have a connection, and he did seem insecure and needy.

I LOVED when the other guys at the Eric/Wolverine/Lee showdown all excused themselves and left the seating area!

Mallory
Mallory

And Kenny led that move, which shows why I love Kenny. Btw, Lincee, I am a longtime lurker and first-time commenter. Thank you SO much for all the laughs!

Aimee
Aimee

I loved the Pretty Woman shout out! I thought the same thing when I saw they were on Rodeo Drive. If I were the bachelorette, I would defiantly go all Vivian on them and walk into a store and say BIG MISTAKE…HUGE, just for the fun of it! 🙂

Is riding horses on Rodeo Drive a thing? I was slightly confused. For Mr. Clean never riding a horse I thought he did great, but going into the stores was very awkward. And the boots…bless them! I am not a Texan, but a farm girl who has owned quite a few pairs boots. 1. Trying them on without socks totally grossed me out. I really hope she put a pair on before wearing them out of the store, because I can just see that being a sweaty disaster of trying to take them off (I have experience – a friend of mine in college didn’t wear socks in her boots when we went out one night and we had to cut them off of her!). 2. I hope it was just edited out, but surely they had to get off the horses to properly try them on? But I do give him props for being such a good sport and gentleman on the date!

Great recap as always!

SquirrelGirl

Riding horses on Rodeo is NOT a thing. My teen daughter is a skilled horsewoman and she said the horses had to be drugged so they wouldn’t flip out at the people and traffic. Rodeo Dr is a very busy area, and the other spot they were riding (in front of the Beverly Hills sign) is very urban, a thin strip of parkland along a very busy six lane road. No one in their right mind would ever ride there.

Norma
Norma

Loved the recap, as always. The Pretty Woman shout-outs. Awesome.

I was very upset with the way she dismissed Fred by carrying the rose with her. It was beyond cruel, tacky and totally classless. If the producers made her do it, why didn’t she just say “no”? If she decided to do this without prompting, then shame on her. Fred never stood a chance from day one. It was clear to me she would never get past the fact that she knew him as a kid. Let me clue you in, Rachel: you were both KIDS!!!! Poor Fred never stood a chance with her. He may not have much game, but he seems like a very nice man and I hope some woman scoops him up. He deserves a good woman. Rachel lost major points with me for the way she chose to handle the situation with Fred.

So very glad Whaboom and Drummer boy are gone.

Eric. Dude. Get a grip.

ejs
ejs

I think the rose thing was weird, too, but I don’t blame her for not keeping Fred, regardless of knowing him in the past. That whole kiss move was childish when she’s looking for a mature life partner she’s really interested in–and they didn’t seem to have any chemistry at all, despite his thinking they did.

LizzieB
LizzieB

Agree–I liked Fred and felt she shouldn’t have taken the rose on that conversation. However, his ignoring her “not interested, please stop, please” signals with that horrible kiss–well… he has some learning to do.

The best part of the entire boring episode (boring because drummer vs. waahboom or Eric vs. swarmy singer = who cares?) was Rachel’s “lawyering” (to quote Lincee) of Demario at the beginning. You go, girl! Cue Shania Twain, ABC!

Half of these guys have bigger muscles than brains. The sooner they go, the better. Rachel, you go, girl!

tracee
tracee

agreed Norma! Thats was mean. Rachel should’ve cut him loose the first night if she wasn’t going to give him a chance. Thank god we are not all judged by how we acted when we were 9 years old.

Eh?
Eh?

I think she did give him a chance and he blew it, though why she brought the rose to dump him was odd, to say the least.

ejs
ejs

I think so, too (re: the chance). I think if she wasn’t curious at all she would have cut him the first night. We don’t know the specifics of their background. I’d be a little weirded out if someone I’d known in the past, who could have contacted me at any point since then, suddenly showed up on this show interested then. It would be hard not to look past that in and of itself. People seem to be weirdly tough on her for not being interested in someone she may not have been interested in anyway, regardless of whether they knew each other before (why do we HAVE to give someone we’ve never been interested in a chance, girls?!). I do wish she’d left the rose on the table. That was disappointing. But I don’t know how much choice she had in that matter.

Jessica
Jessica

I’ve noticed they often carry the rose with them to dump someone in situations like this one. They frequently do it on 2-on-1s. I am assuming there is some major producer arm-twisting going on to get them to do it so that they can capture that terrible moment when the person realizes they’re not getting the rose, they’re going home. It’s awful and I wish the lead wouldn’t give in.

Mandy
Mandy

Love the Pretty Woman reference in the title. Peter is still my favorite! Bryan is starting to creep me out for some reason, and the guy with the really white teeth (Jack?) has always creeped me out. And for the love, when will contestants on this show learn that it never pays to tattle on someone else in the house??

Mary
Mary

Agree! Jack really creeps me out. And, Bryan is starting to be too assertive and cocky. He did not show well on Ellen.

KarenS
KarenS

I feel like it was all in good fun. Will said he kissed her too like right after that, and the sloppy seconds thing was clearly a joke. No one seemed mad about it, and I don’t think he was intending to be a dbag, ha. I have to admit though, I love me some Bryan. And Peter. And Will. And Dean. Mr Clean Anthony and Kenny are growing on me as well.

Eh?
Eh?

Agreed, who wants a guy who will happily rub his bits over anybody?

Christine
Christine

The line about the black furry shrug made from a Muppet villian really got me laughing.
Rachel taking the rose with her to dump poor sweet clueless Fred was just mean.

Charlotte
Charlotte

I thought it was extremely mean and heartless.

Eh?
Eh?

The only thing I could think of was that she was going to give it to him as a condolence prize.

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