Bachelorette Recap: West Virginia…Hood Rat Mama
Okay people. Here’s what we know so far:
1. Sean needs to work on making sure his memorized scripted lines sound more natural when “spontaneously” lecturing the good people of London on the delicate intricacies when it comes to matters of the heart.
2. I need one of those cute white coats with the pink sash.
3. Shakespeare is HUGE in Madison, Mississippi.
4. Ryan is a d-bag.
5. I’d be willing to bet that one of the people in Emily’s entourage is the official blanket carrier.
6. One F Jef is undoubtedly the clone of [insert lovable character from 80s movie here]
7. Mess with Emily or Little Ricki and she’ll go West Virginia, hood rat, back woods on your a$$.
I know, right?!
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you poked on Facebook happens to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the niece/former classmate of someone who is obsessed with the Hunger Games trilogy and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
We begin the episode with Emily, Little Ricki with a sure shot digital camera gallivanting around London Town on a double decker tourist bus. Our bachelorette sports fingerless gloves and black suede fringe boots. It was both curious and awesome at the same time. Remembering that week five traditionally has some sort of theatrical nod to the performing arts, I became really excited that Emily must be preparing for a date in which the guys had to re-enact infamous scenes from Whitesnake’s “Here I Go Again” video. Kalon would have made a stunning Tawny Kitaen.
But this is London. And it’s not 1982. Therefore, we have one obvious option when it comes to theatricality.
But soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It is the east. And Our Host Chris Harrison is the sun…looking absolutely dashing in a chocolate brown coat with a pop of purple in the form of a jaunty scarf.
He meets the remaining bachelors in the middle of Trafalgar Square, making sure that none are close enough to smell his breath or notice his bloodshot eyes. A night of getting your Jubilee on with Prince Harry will wear a host out. He runs through the laundry list of date scenarios, rose distribution process and concludes with a snarky quip: “Ten of you are left but only one will be her husband. Yeah I said it.”
Our Host refrains from commenting on the fact that each and every contestant is wearing the exact same grey peacoat. It is rumored that last season’s bachelor threatened to sue the station after his embarrassing ATFR union with Courtney the Model, so he drew up a contract that obligated ABC to only drink wine from the vineyards of the Groban, which included a clause that all outerwear must be purchased from the “You Raise Me Up” line he endorses through The Gap.
I know, right?! Winning!
First One-On-One Date
“Love Takes No Prisoners”
I’m not sure what to think about Sean. He had me with the turquoise plaid pearl snap and then lost me with the jeans that had bedazzled embellishments on the butt. They tour London on the exact same double decker bus from the opener. Emily recites facts from the bus driver’s cheat sheet every two minutes as Sean channels his inner Joey Tribbiani by shouting, “LONDON BABY!” between lecture pauses.
Emily: “This is Westminster Abbey. It’s where William and Kate were married.”
Sean: “Best Abbey I’ve ever seen.”
Emily: “Now we’re going to Buckingham Palace so we can see take a picture with the kissing balcony in the background.”
Sean: “I’m going to have to step into the map to get directions. LONDON BABY!”
Meanwhile, back at the hotel, Kalon has placed a luxury moccasin-clad foot in his mouth when he referred to Little Ricki as baggage in front of Arie and One F Jef. Arie explains that you have to make sacrifices and One F calls him an egotistical a$$. Both wonder why Kalon and his luxury brand glasses are even on the show.
Back in Hyde Park, Sean and Emily talk about dating and how good partners are hard to come by. He carries her purse to something called “The Speaker’s Corner” and is “forced” by a “random” stranger to “spontaneously” give his “unplanned” thoughts on love. Some dude filmed the whole think on his iPhone. Emily found it hot.
But not hot enough to cease and desist from delivering 20 fun facts about the London Tower and the ghosts of its headless inhabitants. Raise your hand if you were the least bit hopeful that Harrison was secretly decked out in that suit of armor? Or the ABC intern at least. Anyone? No one?
At dinner, she quizzes him on the day’s lessons and then admits once again that he appears to be too perfect. She goes for broke by casually reminding him that she wants a house full of kids close to Ricki’s age and wonders aloud how many children (plural) he wants.
Sean: “I haven’t put a lot of thought into it.”
Lincee: “Rookie mistake.”
Emily: “Three or four?”
Sean: “I’m open-minded.”
Lincee: “Annnnnd he’s back in the game ladies and gentlemen.”
The Official Blanket Bearer provides a woolen blanket from a nearby horse stall that severely clashes with Emily’s iridescent sequined gown and pink pashmina. Sean picks a few pieces of wayward straw from the stiff material and wraps Emily up like a burrito. Although we were treated to a poor angle, I could tell that the kiss seemed off. I’m not sure if Sean isn’t going for it or if Emily is just holding back. Regardless, it’s nothing compared to an Arie make out session.
Emily: “I’m excited for what’s next. It was a great first date. I know my relationship and my kisses with Sean can only get better.”
Lincee: “Not good Sean. Not good.”
I know, right?! AWKWARD!
“A Rose By Any Other Name Would Smell As Sweet”
“What does that even mean?” someone asks as I weep for the education system that so obviously failed this person. “I think it’s Shakespeare,” said the Colombian mushroom farmer.
The men once again pull on their Groban endorsed charcoal peacoats and meet Emily at the Stratford-Upon-Avon which is apparently the birthplace of Wills Shakespeare. She introduces them to a few actors from the Royal Shakespeare Company, lets Ryan borrow her scarf and then rests her poor sick throat as the boys are divided into different characters from “Romeo and Juliet.”
Chris is nervous that someone is going to think he’s too young to play along. Arie looks like he’s about to throw up. Doug wears a wig. Andro gives it his all.
But I have to give Travis major props for bringing some pizzaz to a rather boring group date. I know what most of you are thinking right now … who is Travis? It’s a fair question. Travis is the egg boy. Humpty Dumpty. He’s the one who wouldn’t leggo his eggo until a few weeks ago when he WISELY allowed Emily to smash the thing to smithereens on the freshly washed pavement. He’s been low key (another great move buddy) since the official “cracking” until this week when he truly brought the entertainment. Who says Shakespeare has to be recited in a British accent? I found that playing the pivotal role of Mercutio with a dialect that somehow combined both a Scottish accent and a Mississippi drawl was a jolly good idea.
Emily checks in on Ryan and Kalon who are practicing their lines together. Kalon becomes increasingly annoyed when Ryan chooses to flirt with Emily instead of practicing the whimsical dialog.
Kalon: “We need to get back to rehearsals. You can run along now.”
Emily (later): “Kalon actually shoos me away! He needs to know that this isn’t “The Lion King” on Broadway and I’m not Ali hanging from a harness. He’s way too intense.”
Lincee: “I miss Roberto.”
Suddenly, the professionals announce that today’s scenes will be performed before a live audience full of locals from south Warwickshire who have all been promised a bottle of special Nappa Valley wine and a flattering peacoat available in shades of ash, granite and stone. The men are taken away for wardrobe consultation while Emily (as Juliet) is draped with a themed appropriate blanket from the Elizabethan era.
Most of the performance was a mixture of Kalon being a total dillweed, Travis entertaining, Doug laughing and Arie managing not to puke. Other than Ryan sticking his tongue down Emily’s throat … twice … the rest of the thespians were forgettable.
Emily celebrates with the boys by treating them to a round of beers at the pub. Opinions are quickly formed by those who choose the dark pints over the light and they are secretly deemed more manly.
Arie pulls her away outside where a red, fuzzy blanket is placed over her black leather jacket with the hope that the bronchitis will not transition into full blown walking pneumonia. Her teeth chatter as he explains that he was super nervous to act in front of an audience, but he got through it knowing that he could make her laugh. She begins to shake violently and crawls under the blanket to share his body heat. And his tongue.
Later Ryan takes her behind a red velvet curtain and tries to win her affections by giving her a turquoise necklace. He winks and makes that Shooter McGavin noise before adjusting his Bump-It and releasing her back into the fold.
Meanwhile, Kalon says that Emily is a “sick mother who has a child waiting on her” and then drops the baggage comment again in front of Chris. Chris tells Doug who confronts Kalon who doesn’t deny the statement. Doug made a smart move by pulling Emily aside to reveal the ugly truth.
Doug: “Last night…one of the guys…in the house…referred to Ricki…as baggage.”
Emily: “Who? WHO?”
Doug: “Kalon the luxury consultant. I asked him if it was true and he said it was.”
Pulling from the agendas of his previously attended anger management classes, he warns Emily that the worst reaction is a knee-jerk reaction. She smiles and Mama Bear comes out to play when she removes her leather jacket and promises to go all West Virginia, hood rat, back woods on his a$$, vowing that she will rip him of his limbs and then beat him with the luxury ends.
She walks into the room full of guys as Doug channels his inner Harrison and shouts for everyone to shut up and listen. She notes that Little Ricki is a blessing, not baggage, and asks if Kalon has anything to say for himself? After a lame attempt explaining, the West Virginian demands that he gets the “BLEEP” out. She accompanies the explicative with a hand gesture that can only be thrown by someone who is a legitimate hood rat.
She storms out of the room and rushes outside to calm down. The Official Blanket Bearer runs after her with comforter in hand. Doug tries to console her, but she says that she wants to be by herself.
Could this be one of the most normal human being moments in Bachelor franchise history? Inquiring minds want to know!
Emily returns to the stunned bachelors and scolds them all for not having her back. She wants someone who is going to fight for her and they better be her buffer if she lets a chach like Kalon slip through the cracks.
Second One-On-One Date
One F Jef
One F finally scored a one-on-one date with Emily. I’m sure spending the afternoon drinking tea in the English countryside was not on the top of his to-do list, but any time spent with Emily at this point is a bonus. That is until Jean enters the picture. Apparently, she’s the cockney, overbearing version of Emily Post who forces the couple to drink hot tea from dainty china cups while lecturing them on the finer points of acceptable finger sandwich etiquette. Emily and One F Jef laugh at her dogmatic tea time rituals and then decide to leave the old girl high and dry before heading down to the local pub for a few pints and some fish and chips. Their napkins were carelessly left on the table instead of their chairs. Jean was not pleased and has written a strongly worded letter to the ABC producers.
I believe Emily endeared herself to One F when she elegantly crooned, “I thought this was a good idea, but I’m ready to get the hell out of here.”
One F plays his cards carefully as he asks Emily about Evil Kalon. He informs Emily that he stood up for her when the luxury brand consultant was bashing her and Ricki.
One F: “If Ricki is baggage, then she’s vintage Louis Vuitton that I want to have forever. Cheers to Ricki!”
I believe that’s when Jef endeared himself to Emily.
After the pub crawl, they board the London Eye Ferris wheel for dessert and coffee squished up against the glass in order to fit the entire crew in the small space. During the remainder of the date, Emily talks about how she wants Jef to kiss her and Jef talks about how he missed his chance in Bermuda, but he won’t miss this opportunity in London to make his move. The momentum keeps building and building until he stands, promptly moves away and then pulls her in for a hug. JUST KISS HER ALREADY! Denied, Emily disembarks from the confines of the glass pod and wanders over to a bridge overlooking the city. Jef finally makes his move and gently kisses Emily. He tries to pull away but she grabs his face and goes in for some serious lip action. What would Jean say?!
Everyone received the memo to wear grey suits with purple accents. Ryan chooses a feminine purple scarf again and Wolf dismisses his matching grey suit pants for a loud pair of red ones.
I have a “bless your heart” with your name written all over it Wolf Boy.
I miss Ames.
Emily arrives in a blue dress with one sleeve, brooding over the fact that this week has had its fair share of both highs and lows. She pulls Travis aside and grills him on what he would do if someone said something bad about his girl. Then she does the same to Wolf. When it’s Arie’s turn, she chastises him for not standing up for her during Luxury-Gate.
Arie: “I try to concentrate on us and not get caught up in what other people say. I don’t want to spend the tiny bit of time we have talking about other people. When you called him out, I felt you had that handled. I didn’t need to speak up.”
Emily: I will always have my husband’s back.”
I know a lot of you may be confused with Emily’s 30-minute rant on how no one had her back. I think she’s really mad at Arie because he heard Kalon say negative things the day before. She knows this because One F Jef told her that he and Arie were sitting there and witnessed the whole thing. I think she feels that Arie is the closest she has to a “boyfriend” right now and is disappointed that he didn’t bring it up when she was freezing on the balcony during the group date. One F can’t be blamed because he hadn’t seen her. I’m not sure why Doug isn’t given immunity since he actually made the decision to share the information in the first place. The only thing I can think of is that she’s heard a lot of “serves him right…he was a d-bag” comments off-camera and she’s ticked that no one came forward before now.
At this point, we’re all irritated that the show is still dragging on and we secretly wish that Harrison would arrive with his champagne flute full of the Queen’s best bourbon. Sadly, Ryan takes her to a balcony, recites the famous balcony scene from Romeo and Juliet, walks up some stairs and kisses her before demanding that Leonardo eats his heart out.
Emily: “I don’t know where I turned a corner with Ryan. I’m mad at myself for saying it, but I’m liking him more and more.”
[CUE PORNO MUSIC TRACK]
Then she slow dances with Sean, shares another unfortunate kiss and reveals that the butterflies are not in her tummy, but in her heart.
Mercifully, Harrison arrives in a suave navy suit and lands the plane. Roses go to:
Poor Andro is sent back to the farm where he will inevitably give up the shrooms for a life on the stage.
Next week, Emily takes the boys to Croatia. If Arie doesn’t come down with a sever case of laryngitis, he has an immunity system that should be studied at universities.
What did y’all think? Should Doug have been given props? Is Arie still the front runner? Do you want a One F Jef in your life? Do you think Little Ricki really believes that dragons live in Buckingham Palace? Sound off in the comments section!
All about the shame, not the fame,