In true Bachelor style, the reunion show boasted that this special event would focus on our favorite bachelorettes from days of yore and report what they are up to now. Instead, there was about eighty-five minutes of random nonsense, fifteen minutes of former bachelorettes, ten minutes of Hannah Bama, and, for some incredible odd reason, ten minutes of He Who Must Not Be Named.

Our Host Chris Harrison hopped a tour bus in downtown LA and hosted a ton of “Bachelor Fans” straight out of acting school. Here, on top of the rose-themed double-decker, Our Host began a scenic tour by sharing b-roll footage of the best moments in Bachelor history.

• Look! There’s a baby version of Our Host Chris Harrison with the guy no one remembers known as the first Bachelor Alex!
• Remember when the producers made the girls snow ski in their bikinis?
• Or the time they swam with pigs and fed them weenies?
• How about the hot tub tugboat from Desire’s season?
• And who could forget the time the psycho girl with Ashley I-Lashes cooly said, “I know what you did” in the hot desert sand?
• Tara reminded us to never let anyone take your sparkle.
• Then there was the girl who told Jason Melba Toast Mesnick that she wanted to be a mother and meet his child before picking her nose with a napkin and handing it back to him in a wadded up, snotty mess.
• Remember when Brad Womack didn’t choose anyone from his season?
• Or when Arie and the rest of America watched as Becca cried all the tears in the world on that yellow couch?
• There was Melissa Rycroft who got a sleazy, “JUST KIDDING” from Mesnick after he proposed and then took it back. The “original Arie” if you will.

We suffered through a montage of The Chad calling Jojo “naggy” during his date, The Goose and Becca “singing” with Richard Marx, and Sean Lowe and Leslie sharing the longest on-screen kiss ever. We saw Casey guard and protect Ali’s heart, Nick break Andi’s heart, and Neil Lane showcase diamonds between spray tans.

There was the first date, the first kiss, the first, rose, the first proposal, and the first wedding. The first man cry, the first hot tub, and the first person kicked off the show. HEY ROZ! YOU’RE MY BOY, PAULIE!

But here are the things that really stuck out to me as the show unfolded:

1. Nick Viall is still single and is willing to stretch his age range into grandma territory. Why is this guy still on the show? Why do we care what he and his skinny jeans are up to?
2. Kaitlyn dated Fake Gosling for three and a half years before ending the relationship. That was a very long time in Bachelor world! But don’t worry about her. She’s super busy with her podcast, her scrunchie business (not a typo), her wine label, and getting all sorts of Botox shot into her face. Fun fact: After proclaiming that she wouldn’t date anymore, she started seeing Jason — a castoff from Becca’s season. Supposedly, listeners “felt” their chemistry through the podcast when she interviewed him after the show and that’s all she wrote!
3. Jillian got a nose job. And started growing in her eyebrows. She’s still super funny and full of energy.
4. Emily Maynard wished for a minivan full of kids when she agreed to be the bachelorette in season 8. She now has a minivan full of kids. We don’t know how Little Ricki feels about three baby brothers invading her space in the south part of the mansion, but I suspect it will come out soon when she either tries out for the show or writes her tell-all book.
5. He Who Must Not Be Named lost his shampoo, but found Jesus.
6. Ali has the cutest offspring of all the bachelorettes.
7. We were able to sneak into Rachel’s bridal shower. Although it was weird seeing her open all sorts of questionable lingerie, I did notice that she looks fabulous and appears to be very, very happy. She and Bryan are finally getting married in August. PS: The Sholphin looks PHENOMENAL.
8. Once all the bachelorettes convened together in the mansion, the show found itself. The weirdest part was the “begat” game they played. Since the show is incestuous, everyone went around the circle, trying to figure out who all dated Mesnick and which ones kissed Arie. What did we learn? Everyone has made out with Nick Viall at one point or another.
9. They consider themselves a sisterhood with Tricia Sutter as the Sergeant at Arms.
10. Best quote of the night — Jojo: “I like to see the guys I dumped on my season go on Bachelor in Paradise. It comforts me to know they really are idiots.”

It should be pointed out that two bachelorettes were not there. Meredith from season 2 and Jen from season 3. I wanted to know what was up, so I watched a clip with Harrison and “his girlfriend” as she interviewed him for Entertainment Tonight (ugh) and he said that they couldn’t make the dates work for everyone.

I also noticed that Andi Dorfman was incredibly insecure during the shoot. She was super quiet and stand offish. My theory? She feels sad that she’s the only one in the group who isn’t married or currently dating someone fabulous.

Exhibits A-K:

Trista: Happily married to a fireman she met on the show, with two adorable kids.

DeAnna: Married to Stephen Stagliano, the twin of Michael Stagliano — WHO WAS ON THE SHOW! WE LOVE HIM! They have two kids. Also: DeAnna doesn’t look a day different than she did eleven years ago when her season aired. SHE DOES NOT AGE and I need whatever magical elixir she’s using on her face.

Jillian: She dumped shorty shorts Ed and married a hometown Canadian guy. They have kids and she seems to be loving life.

Ali: Dumped Roberto. Went out on a date with Frank (her true love) after her season ended. It didn’t work out, so she reconnected with a guy friend. They got married and, as I said, have the cutest kids ever.

Ashley: Married JP from the show, got pregnant, had a sonogram on the show, had the baby, had another baby, and lived happily ever after.

Emily: Dumped 1-F Jef for a guy she met at church. Then she married him and started having babies immediately. She claims she’s the “loser” bachelorette since she is the only one without a side business. She’s just a mom.

Desiree: This one really shocked me that she’s is still with Chris. But they made it and have two kiddos! She even had her last one ten weeks ago and looks fabulous.

Andi: Looks gorgeous. No love life. Please, please do not let her go back to Nick. Or Juan Pablo. If she does that, eet’s not okay.

Kaitlyn: Long-lasting showmance that ended in devastation. But the next day, she found love again because her personality rocks. And who else can get away with wearing matching red shorts and blazer from the 80s with a lace black bra? Kaitlyn, that’s who.

Jojo: Still seeing Aaron Rodgers’ brother, but she didn’t say much about him. It would not surprise me if we Harrison’s “girlfriend” scoops in the near future that these two are dunzo.

Rachel: Happily engaged to Bryan (or Gerome if you’re going by his pet name) and getting married in August. We’re all invited!

Becca: Engaged to Garrett, but she didn’t mention him at all. They didn’t do a montage about her love life, either. Is there trouble in Paradise?

And as for Hannah Bama — I think this season is going to be interesting for sure. Everyone kept saying how “weird” and “quirky” she is, but in a good way. They also showed Harrison in her hometown, proving that she’s loved by everyone in Tuscaloosa. Although her season does look dramatic, aren’t they all? As I said before, I think she will be fine until she realizes that the dude has to pick her, too, and may not be there for the right reasons (right reasons.) It’s not all butterflies, rainbows, talent segments, and winner sashes.

Then again, Roll Tide.