Bachelorette Tayshia Finale Recap: Clarky and the Queen
It feels weird writing about Tayshia’s journey to find love on the cusp of the Baby Jesus entering this world, yet here we are folks. In former seasons, I’ve never had to frantically slap something together moments before getting on the road for some well-deserved Yuletide cheer!
I’m not going to be a Grinch about it and ditch the recap altogether, yet I am on a schedule. It’s not like I have a train to catch or that I’m going over the river and through the woods to grandmother’s house, but I do need to make this snappy. Therefore, I will be hitting the high notes so we can all get on with forgoing the fruitcake in a tin can in place of something drizzled with chocolate.
My hope is that it will be joyful and triumphant.
Look, the fantasy suite episode is always aco taco. What I appreciate about our three guys standing is that they call a spade a spade. IT IS HELLA STRANGE, AND NO ONE SHOULD ADDRESS THE ELEPHANT IN THE EL PRESIDENTE.
First up is Ivan and let me tell you, dear reader, he gets the shaft. My boy has to sit with Tayshia in an ice bath and kiss for more than six minutes to beat a world record. I have so many questions.
- Who is the person who once thought, “Hey, after perusing the latest copy of the Guinness Book of World Records, I noticed there wasn’t an ice bath kissing entry. Let’s do that!”
- I understand that it is hotter than the surface of the sun outside, and an ice bath may sound appealing at the moment when your skin is dripping off your face. Still, hyperthermia is a real condition, and I feel we need all of our fingers to pop open champagne bottles.
- How is this fun? Why is this a date?
To make matters worse, once Ivan thaws and agrees to forgo his individual room, Tayshia gleefully escorts him to an airstream trailer in the middle of the resort. Does it have air conditioning? We don’t know. Is there running water? I pray, that is the case. Can Ivan stand up straight once inside? Nope. Will his legs hang off the end of the square bed? You bet.
The next morning, Tayshia and Ivan seem off, but it isn’t until later that we learn why. Apparently, they had a “religion talk,” and things did not go as planned. (More on that later.)
Zac’s date is the opposite of Ivan’s date. He gets to rub paint all over Tayshia’s practically naked body and roll around on a canvas. We call this “art” in Bachelor Nation. Zac tells the camera no less than ten times that he’s falling in love with Tayshia and wants her to be his wife. She seems pretty excited about him, too.
That night at dinner, Zac tells Tayshia all the wonderful things he loves about her and how she “turned on a light” inside of him. They make out for a very long time and forgo their rooms to fantasy the night away. The frolicking continues the next morning. Tayshia is clearly feeling Zac more than Ivan, based solely on her willingness to jump on the bed the next morning in post-coital bliss.
Then we see Brendan, and all of the world sighs. It’s clear that Brendan is about to puke and couldn’t care less that Neil Lane is dragging out different engagement bands for Tayshia to squeal over. Brendan literally does not say a word for fear that vomit will issue forth from his mouth should he open it.
Tayshia feels him backing away and addresses the situation at dinner that night in her tin foil dress that helps the entire resort get free HBO in their rooms.
In a nutshell, Brendan tells Tayshia that he thought he was ready for marriage until Uncle Neil waved diamonds under his nose. He feels that there is still a big part of his heart that is broken, and he needs time to heal and grow. He wants to give her his whole heart, and as he sits there, he knows his heart isn’t anywhere near whole.
Of course, Tayshia can’t stop him from tapping out and doesn’t want a man who isn’t ready for the long haul. They hug and cry and wish each other well. Brendan strolls off to the rejection SUV, wiping tears with the edge of his signature mock turtleneck.
If you’re keeping score, you realize that there are two roses and two people left. Easy peasy, right?
Ben shows up and begs Harrison to see Tayshia because he needs to tell her IN THAT MOMENT that he loves her. Is she currently about to leave the El Presidente to go to a rose ceremony? Of course, she is, silly. This is perfect timing.
Ben knocks on Tayshia’s door, and she almost swallows her tongue. So does Ben when he sees the dress she’s wearing. To say that the front had a “keyhole opening” is the biggest understatement of the year. It wasn’t even a cold cleavage dress. It was a cold half boob dress, and I found it very distracting. WHERE DO I LOOK?
Ben asks her to sit with him and I laugh. It’s not really a sitting dress, Ben, but okay. He spills all of his feelings out onto the floor and watches as Tayshia’s emotions flicker from anger to confusion to irritation and back to anger.
For some reason, she kisses him at the door and invites him to the FREAKING ROSE CEREMONY. Ivan and Zac are shocked when he rolls in with his ill-fitting suit, bragging that Tayshia asked him to come.
Tayshia arrives and asks for a private audience with Ivan. She takes him to the breakup bench, and they agree that their “religious differences” are the cause of their ultimate demise. No one has any idea what they are talking about, and we frantically ask each other, “Did I miss a religion conversation somewhere in the airstream?”
We didn’t miss it, but it did happen. There are several theories out there swirling around the Internet right now. However, I would suggest listening to Kaitlyn Bristowe’s podcast since Ivan told a former Bachelorette contestant that he spills the tea on her show.
All that to say, Ivan is gone and Ben is in the finals with Zac.
MEET THE PARENTS
There isn’t much to report here, other than the fact that Tayshia’s brothers are about as adorable as they come. Her mom and dad are anxious about her getting hurt again, and they never want Tayshia to feel that heartbreak again. So they have decided to tell her that over and over and over.
Ben impresses the parents with his diploma from West Point. Zac wins them over with his ability to communicate his feelings without coming across as disingenuous or cheesy. A problem arises when Tayshia’s dad comes over the next day to warn his daughter about how she’s not in her twenties, and she doesn’t have the time for this one “not to work.” This sends Tayshia into an emotional down-spiral, hyperventilating in her kicky denim romper.
Zac notices Tayshia’s odd behavior immediately as they learn a ballroom dance from two kitchen staff who happen to learn to foxtrot from an old Dancing with the Stars VHS tape they found in the Everything Storage Closet. He tries to make her laugh, but her daddy’s words bounce around in her head with every promenade.
That night, Zac takes the bull by the horns and listens as Tayshia worries about everything that could go wrong. What if he’s attracted to her independence but then feels annoyed when she wants to be a stay-at-home mom in five years? Also, she’s used to people running away, and how does she know he will stay through all the hard stuff?
Zac handles the moment beautifully. He begins by sharing with Tayshia that that day is an anniversary for him. He’s nine years sober. It’s the most important thing in his life and has taught him how NOT to run away. You have to face life. And if he gets the chance to propose, it’s not for a day or the rest of the year. It’s for life—a commitment to loyalty and honesty.
There was so much sincerity. He’s so good and kind. Not to mention, he’s a grown A$$ man.
Poor Ben. Tayshia rips the Band-Aid and tells Ben that she has “fallen for someone else.” (Duh. I wonder who that could be?)
Ben is shocked for the second time on this journey and feels terrible that he won’t get to have Tayshia as his wife. Thanks to the well-timed shower scene, I feel Ben will do fine in Paradise. How many rock hard abs did you count?
For the next thirty minutes, we get a glimpse into both Tayshia and Zac’s life as they prepare for a proposal in the worst setting we’ve had in the history of the show. Not only are there dead brush and crusty palm trees splayed all over the hot desert sand, but the ABC Intern unwisely set a few fires here and there for presumable ambiance.
I blame a heat stroke. It’s the only reason he would endanger everyone’s lives on the resort by lighting a match near all that kindling.
Tayshia cries to Harrison because she’s so happy. Zac cries to Tayshia because he’s so happy. I cry because these two kids are going to make it for sure.
What do you think? Was Zac the true winner? Do you feel sad for Ivan? Was Ben really shocked that Tayshia didn’t pick him?
And how do you feel about Matt’s season debuting in two weeks? From the looks of his promo, I think we have a few problem children in the cast.
I’m so excited!