Bachelorette Tayshia Recap: Take 2
Bachelorette Tayshia Week 1 |
Like an oscillating fan in hell, Tayshia is a breath of fresh air. Her mere presence energizes most of the men whose names we have yet to commit to our short-term memory. Clare is off picking out china patterns. Tayshia is in and will happily sift through a few discards. One woman’s reject is another woman’s Dale 2.0.
The only awkward part about Tayshia’s entrance is the fact that she had to introduce herself to a bunch of strangers who either didn’t know her at all or thought she was still dating John Paul Jones. Another unfortunate part is her dress. The style is fabulous and fits her like a glove. The color is that of gangrene.
That shade of green should be banned from all color wheels.
And where is Harrison? Shouldn’t he be escorting the new bachelorette into the cabana? Doesn’t this type of hospitality call for a grand host to navigate the jittery waters?
Nah. Tayshia walks in like a boss, declares the upcoming weeks to be a “bomb summer,” and lets the game begin. The men automatically pick up on her genuine personality, smoking body, and megawatt smile.
Riley, Jordan, and Ivan rally. They are officially TEAM TAY and openly communicate that she’s one-hundred-percent better than Clare. Bearded Blake and Jason feel differently. Both admit to Tayshia that they developed feelings for our former bachelorette, which is totally normal because Clare is engaged, and that only took fourteen days for her to find Mr. Right. THIS SHOW WORKS. However, they will stay because there’s an entire section of the La Quinta that hasn’t been explored yet, and the suspense is killing them.
Next up is Brendan. Not Brandon, the liar who was sent home a few weeks ago. This is Brendan, the signature turtleneck guy who is a sensitive soul. In two minutes, he’s able to politely disregard Clare while simultaneously idolize Tayshia. It’s the first time we’ve heard his utter one word in season 29, and just when things get interesting, someone steals Tayshia away.
That someone is Our Host. He’s here to tell Tayshia that everything is about to change. All one hundred people on set have fallen in love with the Sweet Sixteen, including the men who actually make up the Sweet Sixteen. The quarantine will do that to you. To spice things up a bit, the producers have put out an all-points bulletin for jackwagons.
A limo arrives carrying two randoms, Hot Spencer, and Noah the Chach. The Sweet Sixteen is NOT having it. Even Eazy has a hard time welcoming these four yahoos into the fold. When Tayshia pulls Hot Spencer away for some alone time and a make out session, the spiritual gift of hospitality is nowhere to be found.
Ben lands some alone time and slow dances to inaudible music. Zac tosses a few pennies in a fountain. Chasen plays a rousing game of corn hole in the driveway. High Hair Kenny talks about his band. Tayshia makes it through an entire conversation with Noah the Chach without questioning his questionable mustache. She does stare at it, though, trying to figure out if it’s a joke or real. We all did.
But it’s Hot Spencer who receives the technical second, but Tayshia’s first impression rose. This does not go over well with the OGs. They start talking about his annoying attitude and his greasy hair.
I’d say it’s more crunchy than greasy.
CLALE? DARE? DLARE? CALE?
All I want to write in this portion of the recap is, “WHO CARES?” Fortunately, Our Host Chris Harrison understands my frustration and does his best to keep the segment eight minutes long. It felt like thirty-four minutes, but he’s contractually obligated to give Uncle Neil one more shout out since he didn’t get to showcase his tangerine skin on major network television.
Here is a list of interesting things we learned from Harrison’s time with Clare and Dale:
- Clare’s dewy skin is immediately powdered.
- She’s waited a lifetime for this to happen.
- Dale continues to claim that it was love at first sight for him.
- All Clare has ever wanted is a man show shows up. And on who doesn’t leave.
- Dale asked for Clare’s phone number after he proposed.
- When Chris asks, “What’s next?” Clare responds with an enthusiastic, “BABIES!”
- I hide behind a couch cushion.
- Dale almost swallows his tongue.
- For the last time: THEY DID NOT TALK BEFORE THE SHOW.
I believe that they didn’t talk before the show. I also believe that she stalked Dale within an inch of his life during the quarantine. Look, I can tell you anything you would like to know about Chris Whitelaw Pine. We have so much in common.
Have I met him? Not yet.
Naked Dodgeball – The Sequel
Tayshia’s first group date is very similar to naked dodgeball. Except for this time, the guys start naked, and they make them compete in the water.
Speaking of water, Tayshia Little Mermaids right out of the La Quinta pool in her tiny red bikini and blinks innocently that Chris Harrison just happened to shepherd the guys over to her watering hole at the precise moment she’s seductively climbing out of the steps. HEY GUYS!
Harrison blows a whistle. Guys jump in the pool. Balls fly everywhere. Riley clocks Spender in the face. Viewers are treated to underwater camera work, which cannot be unseen.
One team wins and gets special time with Tayshia at a barbecue. The other team joins them all at the cocktail party. Eazy’s charm oozes all over Tayshia, and she slowly starts to melt, just like the rest of us.
Zac snags a turn with Tayshia, and we learn that as much as she wants to grow with someone together, she doesn’t want to teach that person how to be a man. Zac agrees. Experience is the greatest teacher. This quick recollection of the fortune he found in his cookie at lunch draws Tayshia in closer. She’d like to experience Zac’s goods, please.
Cut to Zac and Tay making out like bandits. Also, Tayshia would like for me to report that Zac is a MAN.
Riley would like for me to report that Hot Spencer is “lunch meat.” Interesting. Is this something the youths say nowadays?
Perusing of Urban Dictionary taught me that “lunch meat” refers to a mediocre person. Please do not read any further than the first definition. Heed this warning.
Spencer takes this insult and directly finds Tayshia. Does he tattle? No. Does he dog Riley when she asks if they have any animosity toward each other? No. He does what most first impression roses recipients do, and he blames the resentment on the target that he gladly wears on his back as a front runner. Then they make out.
Interestingly enough, it’s Eazy who gets the date rose! That means, in twenty-four hours, Tayshia has connected with at least three guys on a personal level, compared to Clare’s infatuation with Dale and cleansing bonfire with Jason in two weeks.
Poor Jason. Clare ruined him. She chipped away at his soul until it shattered to pieces in the desert. Then she galavanted with Dale as the ABC Intern tried to decoupage him back together. But the damage has been done, and Jason chooses to leave “paradise” because he can’t stop thinking about Clare. Tayshia gives him her journal and bids him adieu.
I Wanna Be a Cowboy
When you’re hindered by the corona boundaries of the La Quinta Resort and Spa, weird things happen. First, it’s perfectly acceptable to ride horses next to the swimming pool. One slip of the hoof and down you go. But if we learned anything from the 1991 cult hit Wild Hearts Can’t Be Broken, one knows that horses can swim. If it happens, just roll with it.
Second, Our Host Chris Harrison is everywhere. Is this a bad thing? Heavens no. But when the master is stuck inside the box with the rest of the riffraff, craziness is bound to infiltrate even the coolest of men. After dealing with Clare three different times, Uncle Neil, Dale, Tayshia, Tayshia’s newbies, and color commentating the naked dodgeball sequel, Harrison rides a scooter (A SCOOTER!), so he can provide some comedic relief.
One time he’s handing out margaritas. Another time he’s handing out popsicles. Then he’s offering coconut drinks. I blame the commanding desert sun and Clare for this bizarre behavior.
Who is riding horses with Tayshia dangerously close to the water’s edge? Sensitive Soul Brenden. And he’s a smitten kitten. He manages to ditch Harrison and spends the afternoon bobbing in the swimming pool with Tayshia. Or their horses fell in, and they didn’t show that part. I can’t be sure.
Whatever the case may be, Brenden tells Tayshia there’s something he’s wanted to do since he first met her the day before. He wants to kiss her. Hear me when I say I do not believe it was a line. I think Brenden is genuine and about as adorable as they come. Tayshia agrees with me. She says he’s patient, kind, and seems very humble. He can also kiss. I’m just saying. You know we’ve had issues with this in the past, so I feel it is my duty to report.
At dinner, Tayshia forgets half of her dress. The front half and the bottom half. Brenden throws all caution to the wind and admits that he is nervous. He’s also well aware that he does not have the most handsome face or a ripped body. But he is well rounded.
Tayshia asks how he’s still single, and Brenden dives into the story he’s been dreading to tell. He married his high school sweetheart, and it didn’t work out.
Tayshia waits for a beat for the dreadful part. Brenden stares back blankly. That’s the end of the story? Where’s the infidelity? Did someone burn the belongings of someone else on the front lawn? Were the cops called?
Nope. Brenden is embarrassed that he is divorced, seemingly over nothing. Also, his ex forgot to tell him that she didn’t want kids, so they went their separate ways.
Tayshia puts her hand on his and says that she understands. Do we all remember that Tayshia also married young? And it ended in divorce? She, too, feels embarrassed? They have so much in common.
Brenden breathes deep for the first time that night. Tayshia isn’t going to kick him to the curb. He quickly asks about children (she wants five), and they celebrate their future by watching fireworks blast in the distance.
The La Quinta has a fireworks department but not a functioning spa. Noted.
Did you miss Clare? Is Tayshia going to be a decent bachelorette? Do you think Brenden is adorable? Sign off in the comments!