Bachelorette Tayshia Recap: Grown A$$ Man
Bachelorette Tayshia Recap: Week 2 |
Let’s hear it for Tayshia and her ability to play the role of bachelorette with such aplomb. Her spiritual gifts are making out and supple skin. She has no problem handing out roses to the jackwagons to keep the season dramatic. And her “I want a grown a$$ man” mantra will be the new drinking game sweeping Bachelor Nation.
Amazing journeys, statement necklaces, and tight-fitting, jewel-toned Henley tees are so yesterday.
I have to hand it to Tayshia’s gentlemen suitors, too. These guys are suffering well. After fourteen days of quarantine, followed by two weeks of being ignored by Clare, Tayshia is the electric spark that will jump-start this season back to life. To supplement this newfound energy, producers call in a bit of Bachelor royalty to remind us that this show works.
Ashley Iaconetti and Jared Haibon have road-tripped their way into the LaQuinta bubble. With negative rapid COVID tests in hand, the ABC Intern sprays them down with hand sanitizer and shoos them in the direction of a row of racquetball courts.
Ashley Eyelashes and Jared are famous in Bachelor circles. It was love at first sight for her when she spied him on the beaches of Paradise. It took him a year or two before realizing that she was making a killing as an influencer, and decided to give it a whirl. They married a year ago and are the beacon of what it means to succeed in this franchise. If you can get the spouse and an influencer deal that keeps you both from working regular 8 to 5 jobs, then it doesn’t really matter that you’ve been stuck in a desert for a month.
When Ashley and Jared show up on set, wackiness will inevitably follow. On this date, each individual vying for Tayshia’s hand in marriage must prove his worthiness because Tayshia doesn’t want to waste her time with a bunch of boys. She wants a man. A grown a$$ man. And it takes a certain type of frivolity to prove you are a grown a$$ man.
Question for the reader: Is there a difference between a regular grown man versus a grown a$$ man? Discuss.
To prove you are a grown a$$ man, one must be a mental mathlete. Arithmetic is hard, y’all. Just ask Harvard graduate Bennett who struggled through the exercise. To his defense, “the questions were worded awkwardly.”
Additionally, half of the men don’t know how to spell limousine, which is a hard word with that tricky “u” in the middle. However, thanks to this scholarly exercise, we now know a grown a$$ man would never forget the elusive “u.”
Grown a$$ men should also be able to win a tug-of-war. It makes no difference if the opponent is shorter, smaller, skinnier, or suffers from chicken legs. Nonetheless, grown a$$ men may refuse to participate in all physical activity if they suffered a knee injury playing elite football at Harvard. Noted.
The ability to assemble a thoughtful breakfast in bed is another mark of a grown a$$ man. According to Bennett, you can discern many important character traits when served mimosas, beignets, and flowers by a man dressed in nothing but a robe. Ashley and Jared agree and award the Ivy League grad as the grown a$$iest man of the bunch.
Many are perturbed since Bennett wasn’t grown enough to participate in the physical games. None more so than Ed. Sadly, due to his chicken legs and general whininess, he was given the group’s “Man Child” award, along with a lifelike baby doll he has to carry around for the rest of the date. Ed names his baby Carlos, which I love.
At the cocktail party, Tayshia arrives wearing a short strapless white dress. She could have been the bride at an LA glam wedding. One misstep or wonky raising of her arms and the world will definitely know if the globs are real or not. (Spoiler: they are totally real.)
Tayshia adds a few new faces to her make out list. Former Military Ben lands legitimate alone time, but don’t ask me what he shares. His droopy neckline pulled my focus. Then his chiseled jawline pulled my focus. I can report that FM Ben knows how to kiss, and Tayshia seems to appreciate his skills.
Young Ivan proves he is a contender. Tayshia appreciates his driven spirit and laughs when he asks her to build an empire with him. She giggles when he blindfolds her so he can feed her strawberries, and all I think about is that scary bird show on Netflix starring Sandra Bullock.
Did I watch that show? Of course not. I know it’s scary the same way I know what “red wedding” means without ever watching Game of Thrones. This is what happens when you write for Entertainment Weekly. Pop culture context clues are my jam.
Speaking of red, Ed breaks the cardinal rule of Bachelor Nation by bad-mouthing another suitor during his and Carlos’ alone time with Tayshia. Ed believes Chasen is not here for the right reasons (right reasons). Not only does Chasen turn it on big-time for the cameras, but he uses the exact shame adjectives for Tayshia that he used for Clare.
Can there not be more than one smoke show in the world? And what if Chasen thought he knew the definition of smoke show and labeled Clare with said term of endearment. Then he meets Tayshia and is all, “Dude. She’s a smoke show.” Perhaps Clare can be a vapor show or a grey mist?
In a rare turn of events, Ed tells Chasen to his face that he told Tayshia that Chasen was only on the show to acquire a few hundred thousand Instagram followers. There’s no way he likes Tayshia the same amount as Clare.
Chasen looms in front of a seated Ed and Carlos, claiming he has pivoted his feelings, and they are real. A grown a$$ man would know that and not act so childishly.
I’m not sure how we got back to the grown a$$ man talk, yet here we are. As all the guys squabble with each other over who is really grown, Tayshia gives the date rose to the youngest guy. We’re not sure if she really wants to build an empire with Ivan or if she’s trying to send a message to all the grown a$$ men who are acting like Carlos. But the gesture was effective.
Tayshia’s first rose ceremony is relatively uneventful. Chasen addresses the guys before she arrives, apologizing for the drama from the night before. Ed won’t let it go, and the rift starts all over again. Tayshia has to get involved and tell the children to calm down. The prayer from many is that Tayshia sends both Ed and Chasen home. No one’s prayers are answered.
The dusty rose jacket reappears on the shoulders of Demar and I smile. Welcome back, old friend. We learn Dr. Joe might be a closet funny guy. And Former Military Ben shouts to the group that he has an unexplainable animal magnetism when it comes to our bachelorette.
It all makes sense. His beefcake stature. His ill-fitting clothing. A mysterious pull to be near someone. Ben is a werewolf and has imprinted on Tayshia.
She hands roses out to everyone except Jay, who you don’t remember, and two of the new guys, who you didn’t know existed. Hooray! More Chasen and Ed drama!
The next morning, it’s chest and arms day at cabana number two. The bros pump it up for the next group date, which will involve wrestling in spandex. Excellent. Thank goodness the producers were wise enough to put the smaller guys against the bigger ones. Otherwise, we would be bored.
It turns out I was bored anyway. Let’s revisit that imprinting theory. Which one is the vampire who sparkles in the sun? My guess is Spencer.
The lady wrestlers teach the guys some moves and how to smack talk on the mat. Then they take them to a caged arena where all the other bachelors hoot and holler like they are in an unground fight club where the rules are — there are no rules.
Tayshia oils the fellas up with a paintbrush. I thought that was odd, yet I have never oiled up bohunks before. Maybe that’s how you do it? Was the paintbrush used for covid reasons? Is Tayshia allergic to olive oil? Who knows.
Praise be that Wells is there to color commentate with Harrison. May Fred Willard rest in peace. To quote our favorite bartender, “It looks like the fantasy suite in there!”
Eazy takes Dr. Joe down in a second. Spencer and Former Military Ben are a draw. Of course, the producers put Chasen and Ed in the arena together, and the entire cast rolls their eyes in unison when Ed pulls out because his shoulder was dislocated once upon a time. He doesn’t want to get hurt again or look like a fool when Chasen kicks his grown a$$.
Our Host Chris Harrison keeps from snickering at Ed’s forfeit and asks the room if there’s anyone who would like to fight Chasen. He looks at the row of guys who are beaten and bruised, some even bloody, and no one volunteers to take on the guy who calls himself Wolverine.
Then a voice shouts, “I’ll do it.” We all turn to see Noah effortlessly hoist himself over the cage and into the arena. It was the smartest thing anyone could do, and I’m impressed by the jackwagon for doing it.
Does he lose? Yes. A mustache is nothing against a wolverine. However, because Noah was grown a$$ enough to enter the ultimate cage match to prove his worthiness to Tayshia, she happily invites him to the after-party.
Not only does Noah get an exclusive invite to the party, but he steals her away before any of the other originals get a chance to take their first sip of Vodka tonic. Tayshia playfully scolds Noah for looking like Goose from Top Gun and wonders aloud what Noah looks like without a skinny caterpillar crawling across his upper lip. Then they make out.
Next up is Brendan. Tayshia presses her fingers against his lips. She believes Brendan rambles too much. Who can make out with all that blabbing going on?
She tolerates Ed, sucks face with Spencer, and totally ditches Jordan when Noah returns with a mustache trimmer. Tayshia takes great delight in delicately snipping away the whiskers and interjects at the face beneath the hair.
Noah looks like he came straight from a KOT keg party. To be fair, this statement was probably true a year ago. Throwing all caution to the wind, she gives Noah the date card, berates Ben for not coming to find her, and teeters off in her three-inch heels as the rest of the group grumbles and complains about frat boy.
Did Noah do anything wrong? Was his fence hopping attractive? Should Ben have waited to be the last guy of the night? Did Bennett really go to Harvard? Sound off in the comments!