Be one with the hula hoop
Now that’s advice we can all take to the bank. Am I right people? Jo Ann BROUGHT it last night and I am so happy to know (according to Hare’s recap over on Entertainment Weekly’s website) that she is the reincarnate of Joan of Arc.
Of course, she’s not the REAL Joan of Arc. She’s probably that chick who became a martyr because some local scrubs trashed her brother’s scooter in the 80s cult classic “The Legend of Billie Jean.” FAIR IS FAIR!
I believe the word you are looking for is: anyway…
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closer friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this amusing mockery and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee did?” However, if you or someone on your Facebook page happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying leftover Christmas candy or have a Jazzercise instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
I have to admit that I was pretty stoked when I heard there was going to be a Presidential speech last night. Two hours of remembering and recapping is just grating on my nerves and I was excited to assume that Obama would force ABC to cut the episode down to a respectable hour. Little did I know that our President is a fan of the show and convinced the higher ups at ABC to shift the episode back an hour.
Therefore, the audience was treated to a nice little b-roll package that sums our girls up in just a few sentences in case you are borderline ADHD and can’t seem to keep up with the names, status and backgrounds of the four remaining women left. Here’s what our Bachelor had to say about his girlfriends:
Jillian leads us off
Jason: “Jill has been fun right from the beginning. She’s smart and has a passion for her career and a wicked sense of humor. The accent is a little annoying and she’s not as smoking hot as Naomi, but I think I’ll be able to get past that. She’s strong. And I need strong people in my life, because I have a tendency to lean over balconies and cry out in unbearable pain when faced with difficult decisions. It would be nice to have someone to divert those decisions to. And Jill is the best of the four. As they say in her native tongue, Mele Kalikimaka.”
OHCH: “Dude. You just told everyone Merry Christmas in Hawaiian.”
Jason: “Lay off Hare. I’m trying to be cultural here. Besides…how do you know what it means? Do you speak Canadian?”
OHCH: “Uhm…Bing Crosby and the Andrews Sisters straight up TELL you what it means in the song. Give me your cup. Let me smell what’s in there…”
Jason: “When I first met Mol, she asked me something about golf. Being the suave guy I am, I tip-toed my way around the question, fully convincing her and myself that I knew what I was talking about. Then she asked to see my swing. SNAP! She totally didn’t care that I lied though. She knows what she wants and she goes for it. She jumped at the chance to stay with me in the overnight luxury tent. She pushes and challenges me, which is nice because I have a hard time making decisions as I’ve pointed out before. My only concern is that I can’t get deep enough.”
OHCH: “This is a family show Jason. We don’t need to hear…”
Jason: “Get your head out of the gutter Hare. Man…you are really starting to get on my nerves. Do you have to be here? I mean that I need to meet her family and get to know her on a deeper level.”
OHCH: “Speaking of deeper level, what song would you sing to Molly? Let’s keep it in the English-speaking genre, shall we?”
Jason: “In the words of Debbie Gibson, I’d get lost in her eyes and feel my spirit rise. And soar like the wind. Is this love that I am in?” (wipes away a single tear with the tip of his tie that Ty picked out.)
OHCH: “Intern. I don’t care how much cash Jason slips you on the side. Keep the Jack Daniels away from his Diet Coke.”
Naomi is batting third.
Jason: “Hare, you know how gorgeous Nay is, right? And she is a flight attendant, so she must love to travel even though she doesn’t know the difference between a plane and a helicopter…but whatever. She is a free spirit and crazy.”
Note to reader: This is what we call foreshadowing.
Jason (continued): “She is wide open to the possibilities of what life can bring her, but I am concerned that she is not ready for my life. She wants adventure. What if I clip her wings? Those sexy, beautiful wings? Did I mention she’s hot?”
OHCH: “Let me guess. In the words of the Steve Miller Band, you are going to encourage her to fly like an eagle?”
OHCH: “In the words of Peter Pan, she can fly, she can fly, she can fly?”
Jason: “I like where you are going with the Disney theme, but no. I was thinking of something more subtle.”
OHCH: “I’m afraid to ask.”
Jason: “In the words of the Bellamy Brothers, honey do you love as good as you look?”
OHCH: “You are one classy guy Jason. Nay is going to love it.”
And finally, Jason discusses Melissa the cheerleader.
Jason: “I won’t lie to you like I did to Mol, Hare. I pre-judged Mel. I just couldn’t understand how a girl that beautiful could be so sweet. And available? It’s not like she has a thing wrong with her. On a completely unrelated side note, I’m so pumped to meet her family. I know that it’s going to be so chill. Because my relationship with her is important, but a connection with the family? That’s huge! Anyway, every time I’m around Mel, I want to spend more and more time with her. And her family too! Because I can’t wait to meet them. I want to see where she comes from and how she became this awesome chick. What great genes her parents must have! I can’t wait to pump them for information.”
OHCH: “Easy there tiger. I think you’ve talked about her family enough.”
Jason: “Really? Because the producers told me to say it over and over and over again. I don’t want to get into trouble.”
OHCH: “I think you’re good. What concerns you about Melissa?”
Jason: “She might be too perfect.”
OHCH: “And what soundtrack of your life with Melissa would be?”
Jason: “Does Fort Worth Ever Cross Your Mind by George Strait.”
OHCH: “Seriously Jason?”
Jason: You’re from Texas Hare. What is it with the Dallas people not liking Fort Worth? It’s a great city! I would love to know the inner workings of that debate. Unless, of course, Mel wants to make out all night long. I’m so there.”
Hometown Date One
Jason waves goodbye to Ty, again, as he sets off to find adventure in Canada. Jill is waiting for him by Lake Okaloca with an adorable pink scarf and matching pink gloves. She sees him from afar and runs to greet him with reckless abandon. Jason swoops her up and twirls her around once before placing her on the ground and making out with her.
A sign of affection…the swoop and twirl. I’m just saying.
Jill tells the story about how every summer, Christmas and Easter, she came out here with cousin Tori and spent time with the family. She convinces Jason that she even felt the infamous lake monster, Ogo Pogo, with her foot once while tubing.
Jason looks a little scared, but is comforted by the ABC psychotherapist who assures him that no one will make him get in the lake this trip. She reminds him that this is something that Jillian will probably want to do in the future, should he choose to pursue a relationship with him that lasts longer than three months. Jason takes her card and places it carefully in his wallet for safe keeping.
Jill takes Jason to what I thought was a distillery full of beer kegs. It turned out to be a winery nestled in a volcano. Just as cool in my book. Jill decides that this is the perfect opportunity to open up about how her Mom suffered from depression for 15 years and the strain it put on both her and her Dad. Fortunately, her Mom is better now and Jill feels lucky to have them in her life.
Jason totally gets why Jill is so strong now. She hides her emotions well. But does she like him? He just can’t tell and this bugs him bad.
Jill takes Jason to meet the family, who greeted him with signs, Maple Leaf jerseys and a rather large Canadian flag that was immediately draped over Jason a la Sly Stallone in Rocky I, II and III.
Jason asks Peggy (the Mom) a few questions in front of the group as he untangles himself from Glen’s (the sweet Daddy) bear hug of a grip.
Jason: So Peg…tell me about Jill’s hot dog theory? Do you believe it?
Peggy: Oh yah. Yous guys are all mustard.
Random boyfriend of Tori announces that dinner is ready and the group sits down. Jill is excited that the energy is so palpable. Cousin Tori asks how Jason is coping with being on the flip side of things. Jason says that he is looking for someone with a good heart.
Sweet Peggy takes this time to pull out a napkin and recite a poem she wrote for Jill. She mentioned diamonds and precious flowers and rain. And how they will be there for her agayne.
Jill stares at her mother, forcing her insides to hold back all tears that may be forming in ducts. She is unable to speak so Jason tells Peggy that the poem was great. Truly beautiful.
Peg takes Jason outside to ask a few questions. She unfurls a scroll that is about five feet long. Jason laughs politely. Peg winks at the intern for giving her such a great idea. They talk about conflict and what it means to be married. Jason answered all questions with ease.
Meanwhile, cousin Tori can’t believe that Jill is falling for a guy. She can see it all over her face. Peggy agrees and tells Jill that Jason has a lot of depth and character.
Back in what appears to be the family garage, Jason and Glen are kicking it old school. Then Glen chokes up at the thought of Jill leaving and hugs it out with Jason.
But the best part of the night was when Granny came for a visit. She thinks Jason is gorgeous and very beautiful. Lucky for Jill because she was about to be on the next train to northern Alberta where Granny purchased a nice Ukrainian man who makes good money working on an oil rig. She makes a note to herself to keep the Ukrainian in case things don’t work out with cousin Tori’s pushy boyfriend.
Granny pulls out a pair of boxer shorts with Canadian flags all over them and gingerly places them on Jason’s head. She kisses him square on the lips when he gets up to leave and swats him on the butt for good luck. Jason soon finds out later in his hotel that it was a “SAVE THE OGO POGO” bumper sticker. Oh Granny!
Hometown Date Two
Mol waits for Jason in her Daddy’s golf cart as she picks non-existent lint from her preppiest argyle sweater. She gives the nod to the country club rent-a-cops and they wave permission for Jason’s black Tahoe to enter the premises. She runs across the fairway to embrace Jason with reckless abandon. Jason swoops her up and twirls her around once before placing her on the ground and making out with her.
A sign of affection…the swoop and twirl. I’m just saying.
Mol is so nervous for Jason to meet her parents because she had a bad experience one time with a boy of which her parents did not approve. It took one threat that she would lose her trust fund for her to get her act together. She’s really got her fingers crossed with this one!
After having a picnic on the green of the 18th hole, Mol takes Jason to meet the folks. We learn that Mol’s family spends every Sunday on the golf course. Dad wonders if this is a problem for Jason? Jason convinces the parents that he indeed subscribes to the Golf Channel and Mary Ann (Mom) gives an approving smile.
Jason has passed the test. Now he must be humiliated.
TO THE HAT BOX!
Mary Ann pulls out hats for everyone! They are fun and wacky I tell you! Dad gets a beer hat, Mary Ann wears a giant orange cowboy hat, Jason gets an Indian head dress (how did she know he liked to sit in that style?) and Mol has a crown. Because she is their little princess. Random one relative and random two relative join the fun about this time and Mary Ann forces them to wear a cow and joker hat.
Everyone seems to feel the awkwardness has worn off and are looking forward to large consumptions of liquid courage…except Mary Ann. She pulls Jason to her downstairs dungeon and makes him draw a picture of his favorite memory. But it must include Jill’s face.
How dorktastic can this get?
Jason attempts to draw a picture of Mol’s face. He adds hair so it doesn’t look like a boy. Nice. Then he gives her a mouthful of very straight teeth. And eyes that look nothing like the visions he gets when singing along with Debbie Gibson. Maybe a rainbow of red roses will help?
Meanwhile, Mol’s Dad is giving her a pep talk.
Dad: “I’m proud of you. I’m not surprised you are this far. You are a WINNER!”
Mol: “YES SENSEI!”
Dad: “What’s the one thing you will not do if this doesn’t go your way?”
Mol: “Come back home to face the disappointment?”
Dad: “NO! You are a WINNER! Even if he is too stupid to see it. You will not what in the limo?”
Mol: “Cry. I will not cry in the limo.”
Dad: “And why is that?”
Mol: “Because there’s no crying in baseball. Or golf. Or reality TV.”
Dad: “That’s my good girl. What did you shoot today?”
Dad: “We need to work on that.”
Jason returns to the den to show Mol his masterpiece. She looks at it with distain and wonders why he thinks she looks like the Joker…who is indeed a man and a monster. This can’t be good. She decides to stick her tongue down his throat to remind him that he told all of Seattle that she was the best kisser on the fake radio show. Holla!
Hometown Date Three
Nay is dressed up in her cutest cowgirl outfit. She is a bit concerned because last time Jason pulled her aside to see if she was really ready to settle down with a family. But today it doesn’t matter. She is going to show him she is serious about being a wife and mother. So much so…that she is going to pull ALL of her hair out of her face like a mature adult woman.
Whoa. There is hope for Naomi yet!
She sees Jason pull up in the black Tahoe. She runs to him with reckless abandon. He picks her up and puts her back down. No twirl.
She’s done. I’m just saying.
She decides to liquor Jason up with some mimosas out of her thermos that she keeps in her Jansport. She tells Jason that she is totally ready to be in his life. And Ty’s life. And that he is her future husband. Lincee thinks this is FREAKY but knows Jason needs one more make out session before he can tell this cow poke to get along little dogie.
To Nay’s defense, she does tell Jason that he is in for a big treat when it comes to her family. She tells him they are crazy. It’s in my notes.
But she did NOT tell him that her Mom was a straight up wack-a-do. Seriously.
Jo Ann starts off with a little cardio workout and exits the garage with about 14 hula hoops in her hands. One for everyone! Jo Ann encourages Jason to be one with the hula hoop. The entire clan stares at him, as they gyrate in perfect unison, as if he is some sort of freak because he is physically incapable of making the hoop twirl. Give him a girl to twirl? He’s golden! A plastic circle…not so much. Jason gives up when the little niece starts hula-ing nine hoops at once.
But that’s okay. Because Jo Ann has all sorts of fun afternoon projects for the entire family. You see, while driving just the other day, an innocent bird decided to fling into her windshield, killing itself for the greater good of this little show we like to call The Bachelor. Since leaving road kill on…the road…is blasphemous, Jo Ann uses the papers she keeps hidden in her glove box to daintily grasp the dead dove’s wing and shoves it in a Kentucky Fried Chicken sack that was on the floor board from the last time she had the munchies.
She stores said dove in the kitchen freezer for safe keeping. And the disturbing part about this story is that no one (except for an embarrassed Nay and genuinely freaked out Jason) seem to think that this is in any way odd.
To make matters even more uncomfortable, Jo Ann has named the dead dove Rosie and asks Jason to give the eulogy while they bury her in the backyard.
It was at this point that I fully expected Harrison to bust through the bushes with a trucker hat on sideways telling Jason he had been punk’d.
No such luck.
Jason gives the best eulogy for a dead dove I’ve ever heard. Jo Ann rambles on about the spirit of the dove coming back as a cat (take that world!) and places a bundle of posies beside the homemade rock tombstone.
Hector the Dad approaches Jason just as he is about to take a few Tylenol while the intern is holding a cold compress to his head. Hector wants to talk to Jason about what it means to be committed. He also lets Jason know that he raised Naomi in a religious household and questions if Jason and Naomi will continue down this path.
Much like Hector, Jesus is my home Boy too. I didn’t think it was weird at all Hector had concerns. He just assumed that Naomi had discussed her religious beliefs. Alas…she had not.
Just as Jason is about to dive head first into unchartered waters, Jo Ann arrives as the reincarnate of Lauren from three weeks ago and steals our Bachelor away for some alone time. Let’s listen in to their conversation:
Jo Ann: “What can you bring to this relationship that is unique dear one?”
Jason: “Well, I do this thing where I compare situations I’m in to song lyrics. Like right now, if I were talking to Hare, I would say, ‘In the words of Tracy Chapman…give me one reason to stay here.’ Does that count?”
Jo Ann: “Sure it does. And do you know how I know? Because I have premonitions. You are a passion seeker. Not to be confused with a dream catcher. And that is perfect because Naomi is an indigo girl.”
Jason: “Oh. Are you playing my game now? Love the Indigo Girls. Sing that Airplane song.”
Jo Ann: “Oh Jason. Your aura is divine. Do you see the pretty iridescent colors? What I mean is…we are from the same family. Reincarnated. We are both indigo kids. So is Naomi. She is a temple priestess. You were Mother Teresa and I was Joan of Arc. Can’t you feel the love?”
Jason: “Not really.”
Jo Ann: “Here. Take a hit off this and I’m sure you’ll change your mind in 10 minutes.”
The ABC intern shakes some keys at Jo Ann to distract her as the ABC psychotherapist escorts Jason to the backyard where Nay and all the kids are playing freeze tag. She encourages Jason to join, but he is too spooked to care. It’s time to cut this ball and chain loose.
But not before a five minute game of tonsil hockey. And since this episode is two hours long, we were able to literally watch Jason swallow Naomi’s entire face numerous times before bidding her adieu and bowing in respect to the priestess.
Hometown Date Four
Just in case you were wondering, Jason is really, REALLY looking forward to meeting Mel and her family in Dallas. He’s also curious to see if this outdoor TV thing at her apartment is a figment of her imagination, but whatever.
Jason arrives at the random lake looking svelte in a black sweater and jeans. Mel is true to her Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader roots and wears a black tank top and tiny white shorts that I’m pretty sure were the actual DCC uniform bottoms. Did anyone else see a blue star on the left butt cheek?
Because she needs to butter him up, Mel gives Jason a gift bag that he must open, but is not really for him. It’s for TY silly! A tooth fairy box for his moneys.
Jason is totally digging this side of Mel. Maybe she’ll make him something from Creative Memories one day. Or better yet…they could make something together!
Jason begins making out with Mel sitting Indian style on a red blanket as she tries to talk. He keeps biting her lip, which sort of turns her on, but she must get to the task at hand.
Mel informs Jason that she will not be meeting her family because they are scared of the public-ness of the show. Jason is concerned, but not enough to stop trying to suck the Altoid from Mel’s mouth.
They arrive at her friends’ house, complete with little children to cuddle and hug on. Jason is so glad that Mel is comfortable around kids. The boys go play some pool and talk about why Mel is still single. One guy says it’s because she attracts bad guys.
The girls giggle on the bed and talk about how all Mel can do is cry when she thinks about Jason!
Jason switches with Mel and hops up Indian style on the bed. He asks about Mel’s family. Oddly enough, neither of the girls had met Mel’s family.
Mel worries that not meeting her family is a deal breaker. To further confuse Jason with her flirtatious ways, Mel promises to take the entire crew to Southfork in exchange for some Tahoe and apartment time with Jason. They drink some wine and sit Indian style in her apartment while Jason asks her about her family again. She says that they are private people and there’s nothing more than that.
Our Host Chris Harrison arrives at the fake house to talk with Jason before the rose ceremony.
Jason: “Hare. What are you doing here? I don’t have anything to tell you. I’m scared of Naomi’s Mom, okay? Anyone can see that she’s going home tonight. Do we have to do this? I need to fake tuck Ty into his fake bed.”
OHCH: “Humor me Jason. How do you feel?”
Jason: “Fake answers, right? Okay. I feel more confused than ever.”
Cue soap opera flashbacks from current episode.
OHCH: “Great. Now, if you can just stand on the X and look out across the water on your fake back porch and ponder. That’s it. Stand very still. Quit moving your head. This is a tricky shot. Okay and CUT! Great job Jason. Let’s get to the ceremony. I hear they are hanging a ginormous carpet in our honor!”
It’s no surprise that Jason did not give a rose to Naomi. I think she knew it was coming. Not only did she not wear eyelashes, but I’m assuming Jo Ann had a premonition about it. HELLO!
She does a pretty good job of holding it together in the rejection limo. She feels that she should just be alone now. And I think that’s great. She’s 16 years old for crying out loud! She has her whole life in front of her!
And guess what IHGB readers? Next week we finally get to see DDAHnna’s return.
“What are you doing here in New Zealand DDAHna?”
Even if they are tricking us because LORD HELP HER if DDAHnna really tells Jason that she made a mistake by not picking him, it’s definitely going to be the most dramatic episode EVER!
All about the shame, not the fame,