There were several times I had to hide my face behind the pillow last night. Ironically, it was when Shannon Elizabeth and Derek were dancing the rumba. I think I might have actually said, “eeek” once or twice.

Oh yeah. And I watched the Bachelor too. Yawn.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER

The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closer friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this amusing mockery and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee did?” However, if you or someone on your Facebook page happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying Spring Oreos or have a Jazzercise instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

FOUR WOMEN REMAIN…BUT ONLY ONE WILL WIN MATT’S HEART.

Very dramatic Our Host Chris. Next thing you’re going to tell me is that the Brit proposes to one of the girls in the end.

Annnnnnd there it is. Promo of him telling someone he loves them and asking for their hand in marriage. Wow. ABC has really gone all out to not disrupt America as they did with the Hotter than Crap Brad scandal from last season. They must have written that The Bachelor must propose into the contract. Right under the part where he promises to hand over his first born child if he breaks up with the chick before 180 days and right after the part that says he will make the ABC morning show circuit including, but not limited to: The View, Live with Regis and Kelly, Ellen and Good Morning America.

Hometown Date 1
Shayne
Los Angeles, California

In case you didn’t know it, Shayne’s Dad is famous. Whatever. It’s not a big deal and no matter WHAT you or her Daddy or Matt thinks…she is in this NOT because she is an actress, but because she is in love with Matt. End of story. Curtain closed.

Since her parents are divorced, Shayne takes Matty to meet her famous Dad, so not a big deal whatever, Lorenzo Lamas. Matty tells the camera that he is a “bit of a star” and that this is his time to see if Shayne is in this for real or just to further her acting career.

Shayne greets Matty with a high pitched baby voice, “Heeeeeeeyyyyyyy!” and proceeds to offer him a plate of cheese. Cheese and beer. That’s so now in LA so quit your judging.

Shayne tells Matty that she’s only introduced her father to just one boyfriend. Matty says that he feels her Dad will drill him as a result.

They then practice how to say his name.

Shayne: “Okay…let’s work on this. Lamas.”
Matty: “Lima?”
Shayne: “Lamas.”
Matty: “Llama?.”
Shayne: “Lahm-us.”
Matty: “La’mass? Lomez?”
Shayne: “Good enough.”

Cue Renegade music:

Renegade: “Hi sweetheart.”
(Gives Matty a tough stare before sitting down and joining them for some cheese.)
Shayne: “HIIIIIII DADDYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!”

Renegade gets right to the point: “Shayne is my eldest daughter and I care for her so much. I got married at 21 and things didn’t work out.”
Matty: “I’m here to find true love. Your daughter is an incredible human being.”
Renegade: “No. She’s a daredevil. Like her Renegade father. I think it’s the idea of being on TV that was enticing to her.”
Lincee: Laughing hysterically and pointing at the furious look on Shayne’s face.

Shayne is cool though. She takes a few cleansing breathes and thinks to herself, “What would Meredith Baxter Berney do in any made-for-TV-movie as seen on Lifetime Television for Women if she was in this scenario?”

Shayne dials in her best grown-up baby voice and says:
“I just want to put this on the table. I am not here for any reason but to be with this man (touches Matty’s hand for emphasis) and it has nothing to do with me being an actress on the small or silver screen…whatever 15 minutes of fame may come my way.”

Renegade claims it was a test and she passed. He then takes Matty to another room and talks about how he was not there for Shayne growing up as much as he should have been and asks Matty to not toy with her feelings.

Matty responds, ever so charmingly, that he would never screw with her feelings. He confides that he was skeptical at first but admits that the connection is almost scary it’s so real.

Renegade shares a Hallmark moment with his daughter and gives her a scripted pep talk about how he wants her to be happy more than anything else. He takes a quick peek at the cue cards and finishes by saying that she means the world to him and he is proud of his big girl.

They embrace in a powerful hug that swells with so much emotion, Shayne is moved to tears. A few squints of the eyes and (because everything is better in odd numbers) three tears flow down her cheeks. Two on the left (downstage) and one on the right.

And scene.

That’s depth people.

Shayne composes herself, reapplies liquid eyeliner, and tells the camera that Matt meeting her father went beautifully. But now the party is just beginning because it’s time to meet Mommy and Dakota.

A quick limo ride across town and we are at the doorstep of Mrs. Ex-Renegade.

So much to say. So much to see. Too much happening in short amount of time. Must rewind. Stop screaming. Look. Leopard rug. And a matching pillow. Ah! Rewind again. Are headbands back? Why did I not know this? Wow. Mom’s had a boob job. Oh my. And some face work. Why is Dancing Queen in my head? Right….the headband. Geez Dakota is a mini-me of Shayne. I don’t get Mom’s lips. Rewind. Yes. That is cheetah print on a floral couch. Interesting. I bet the dog’s name is Fernando. Why would I think that? Right…the headband. Her poor lips. I feel for them. It takes a lot of lip gloss to cover all that collagen. Why is that dog wearing a pink tutu? How does she see from behind all that goop on her eyes? Take a chance, take a chance, take a, take a, chance, chance…

That was the first ten seconds.

Matt says that Shayne’s Mom was extremely warm and she really pulled out the red carpet by having their maid cook all British foods. He felt like he was back in the UK with Yorkshire pudding and roast beef.

Shayne’s Mom and her boobs take Matt in the other room to show her old videos of Shayne doing dance and gymnastics. She says that she has a long list of talents that can be viewed in full by visiting www.shaynelamas.com. She turns to the camera and attempts to smile and wink, but the sever Botox hinders her from doing so. She turns back to Matty and says that Shayne is very serious about her career and tells him that it’s not easy being with an actor. Matty stares at her face intently. She thinks it’s because he is waiting on bated breath to hear her words of wisdom. We know it’s because he is mesmerized by finding the plastic surgery incisions near her hairline and jaw bone.

Mama Lama: “How do you feel about seeing her kiss another man? Because that can be heart breaking. You can go along and be happily married to someone and they treat you like dirt…like dirt I say. You become dispensable because another hot little thing comes along that is a newer and younger version of yourself. All you can do is tell your shrink, have a little Bo and wish for the best as you cash in on a D-List name. It’s not all fun and games Matt. It takes work. There are nails to file, eyelashes to curl, maids to hire and fire. And who is going to dress the dogs up like little humans? All I can do is pray for you and Shayne and pray that Falcon Crest continues to run on the Soap Opera Network.”

Meanwhile, upstairs in the princess room full of pink ruffles and white fluffy stuffed animals, Dakota asks if Shayne is in love with Matty. It takes her a few seconds to respond because she is secretly coveting her sister’s ABBA headband. After jerking the accessory off of her head and whining that she should not be upstaging her, Shayne says that she can see herself falling in love. Dakota agrees and busts out singing, “Que sera, sera…whatever will be, will be.”

Mama Lama tells the camera that Dakota is equally as talented as her sister and sings at her volunteer luncheons and social gatherings on weekends. For more information, visit www.dakotalamas.com.

Shayne starts talking with a British accent and tells Matty she doesn’t want him to leave. He says that he had a brilliant time and confides to the camera that he had Shayne pegged all wrong.

Or at least he had her pegged right and just doesn’t care any more like the rest of us. Because who did not find it endearing when he kisses her goodbye and says, “I’m going to miss you monkey.”

Pet names. Sign of longevity people.

Hometown Date 2
Chelsea
Durango, Colorado

Ten Most Exciting Things We Learned on This Hometown Date
1. Chels gets emotional seeing her parents.
2. Chels is mostly attracted to Matty’s sarcastic sense of humor
3. Tells her family that she sometimes doesn’t get his jokes because he is British. Bless her heart.
4. She is scared of telling him her true feelings. Her Dad warns against this.
5. One of my Young Life girls texts me how good Gossip Girls is so I flip the channel because I’m so bored.
6. Dad says, “Nothing ventured…nothing gained.” How many of you thought of Garth Brooks?
7. Why do Garth Brooks and Michael Jackson always seem to creep up on this website?
8. When is ABC going to hire me to write dialogue for these people?
9. Seriously…the entire 15 minutes was nothing more than Chelsea being nervous about opening up.
10. Nipple

Hometown Date 3
Noelle
Loveland, Colorado

Picture it…we’re sitting in on a “brainstorming session” right after Chelsea’s hometown date.

Producer: “Okay team. That hometown date sucked. We’ve got to do something a little more dramatic with Noelle. Any ideas?”
Guy One: “We’ve got to get them outdoors. Show something that is classic Colorado.”

Producer: “Boring. Think outside the box!”
Woman One: “I think he has a point. We could have Matty arrive in the back of a truck as if he’s just hauled hay. And Noelle can be leaning against a fence. He can say, ‘Howdy partner’ and she can giggle about his cowboy accent.”

Producer: “I don’t know. Are there ANY other ideas?”
Intern: “I had one. We could get the Loveland boys choir to sing ‘The First Noel’ and have snow sprinkled while they makeout in a hot tub.”

Producer: “It’s not Christmas.”
Intern: “But there is singing, snow and swimsuits…the three themes of this season’s Bachelor.”

Producer: “Good point Intern. Nice job.”
(Intern secretly winks at Our Host Chris Harrison for giving him the idea.)
Woman One: “I’ve just called. Loveland Boys Choir is booked for the Loveland 4-H Western Days.”

Producer: “Great. There’s no time to think any more. Let’s go with Guy One’s idea. I’m going to need some ducks, a red barn, one or two wagon wheels and Matty and Noelle riding side-by-side on horses. Have them kiss in the sunset where we only see their silhouettes. What about the parents?”

Guy One: “One step ahead of you boss. I’ve got intern already running down to the local Piggly Wiggly to get some red and white checkerboard tablecloths for a good old fashioned picnic. They’ll ride up with a picturesque mountain and river in the back. Intern is also picking up some horseshoes and some tin buckets to put the chicken in.”

Producer: “Excellent. Let’s hit it team!”

Noelle is excited for Matty to meet her parents. She tells Matty that he’s the left brain and she’s the right brain and together they make a whole brain. I didn’t make that part up.

Noelle’s family sits on one side of the checkerboard cloth picnic table and greets the couple with solemn faces. Dad asks Matty to throw some horseshoes. Sister says that Matt is hot and Mom says he is as tall as Grandpa. Apparently this is a big deal in Mom’s book.

Dad is skeptical. He wants to know what kind of person does this thing? He feels Matt is charming but wants to know him better. Noelle is confused and scared to put herself out there.

Mom asks if Matty would want to stay in England. He says that he’s up for living anywhere. He’s very flexible and can even put his legs over his head.

THIS IS THE MATT WE NEED TO SEE MORE OF ABC!!!!!

The sister takes him outside and asks if he feels he is falling in love.

Matty: “Yes.”
Sister: “Does this apply to several people?”

Matty: “I’m not going to lie. Yes.”
Sister: “Is Noelle one of them?”
Matty: “Yes.”

Noelle is still debating if she should put her heart out there. Her parents say she should go for it if it is worth fighting for. She says she is terrified. The sister runs in and says that Matt just said he is falling in love with her. Noelle decides to rip her heart out of her chest and hand it over to Matty.

Matt tells the camera that he sees Noelle as his ultimate partner. He then tells Noelle that he doesn’t want her Mum and Dad to see, but he desperately wants to kiss her.

Note to guy readers: It’s a good thing to tell your woman that you “desperately want to kiss her.” I’m just saying.

Hometown Date 4
Amanda
Tallahassee, Florida

Straight up, Meeps tells the camera that she’s pulling a prank on Matty and has hired actors to play her Mom and Dad. I thought it was pretty funny at first, but these guys were way over-the-top. Mom has an annoying laugh that she busts out in the most inappropriate times. Dad is constantly ticked off at something. Mom picks fight with Dad and calls him a shrimp. Dad asks if they’ve been intimate and Matt looks like he’s going to throw up. Meeps is handling herself really well by not laughing.

Meeps arranges for Cougar Mom to hit on Matty. She asks if he is a “good boy” and feels him up in his nipple region telling him he smells good and begins to kiss his neck as she hikes one leg over his. Enter fake Dad. Matt is about to freak out.

Meeps takes this opportunity to tell him it’s a prank and they are fake parents.

Matt seems a bit annoyed, but tells the camera that he is impressed that Meeps pulled it off. I was under the couch…not even behind the pillow…because I was so embarrassed and I knew they were fake. That’s how awkward this was.

But I don’t know if it was a good thing or not.

Meeps brings in her real family. We are not introduced and they show ten seconds of eating dinner. Meeps then takes him upstairs to a room full of candles and potpourri. She’s the only one to make an effort to have some alone makeout time with Matty which I think worked to her advantage.

Rose Ceremony

Our Host Chris Harrison: “Good evening ladies.”
The ladies: “GOOD EVENING CHRIS.”

Just once I’d like someone to shout, “What up home boy?” I can see Chelsea doing it. That would be funny.

Poor Matt says he didn’t sleep much that night and he’s about to do something very difficult. He wants to thank them all for introducing their families to him. It’s been an amazing time so far. Except for the chick who is about to go home.

Poor Noelle. She just learned how to give her heart away. She’s holding together beautifully. He loved their time together but didn’t find it the easiest conversation. She blames herself and wishes she had opened up more. He feels this scenario is not suited for her.

GO NOELLE! NO TEARS!

We find out next week that The Bachelor is taking the girls to Barbados. They squeal with delight and glee and in the “scenes from next week’s Bachelor” we find that Shayne and Matt get sexy, Meeps puts her heart on the line and Chelsea is freaked out that Matty wants to hold her hand with intertwined fingers…which she says is stupid.

Huh. I wonder who is going home?

All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee