Best friend rights and responsibilities

This is the title of one of the chapters in Mindy Kaling’s new book, “Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?” Most of you know Mindy as the darling Indian girl with psycho tendencies named Kelly Kapoor from The Office. I love the fact that Mindy is a writer, producer and director on the show. And she’s like 28 years old or something.

I picked up her book in Target the other day and almost read the entire thing on the plane to Midland. This chapter cracked me up because it is so true. I think Mindy and I would be total BFF’s if we lived in the same city. Here’s my evaluation of her “best friend rights” list which starts on page 80.

1. I can borrow all your clothes.
I would LOVE for this statement to be true. Since I’m more, shall I say, curvy and buxsom, most of my friends wear a size that my closet hasn’t seen since late elementary early junior high. I did however borrow my friend Mary’s black dress for a wedding last year and because I wasn’t raised in a barn, I took it to be dry cleaned before returning it. Sadly, I forgot to pick it up and they gave it to Goodwill after six months. She received a heartfelt apology from me along with a gift card to White House Black Market. That’s what friends do. They replace the stuff they borrow after they lose the stuff they borrow.

2. We sleep in the same bed.
I remember making the conscious decision to sleep in my college roommate’s bed with her on numerous occasions. Caroline’s mattress was like a big cloud and her sheets were super soft. Sometimes our other roommate Stephanie would join us because the cloud mattress was a king. But sometimes there are situations when there is one bed and two people. I agree with Mindy’s assessment…if the bed is bigger than a twin? We’re spooning.

3. I must be 100 percent honest about how you look, but gentle.
The year was 2000. I lived with Julie, who I had been in my life since I was 15-years-old. I walked out of my bathroom in a grey blouse and pinstriped pants. It was my first week as a PR Assistant Account Executive in a big Dallas firm. She told me my butt looked great in the pants but the shirt made me a little jaundice. To this day, I never wear grey on top. And I have Julie to thank.

4. If our phone conversations disconnect, there’s no need to call back.
This is me and my friend Rebecca. We were probably just calling to check in anyway. And it’s not like we’re not going to talk at least three more times that day anyway.

5. I will nurse you back to health.
This also includes my version of, “I will drive Keri to the hospital and sit with her while we wait for the results of the X-Ray from when she tripped over that pesky step on the river trip.”

Others from Mindy’s list include:
– I will keep your favorite feminine hygiene products at my house.
– I will try to like your boyfriend at least five times.
– I will hate and then re-like people for you.

One final friend responsibility that I’d like to add to the list is:

6. I will always pluck wayward hairs I may spot on your face.
I’d like to thank Jill for abstaining from pointing and laughing at the sizable, wispy hair she free handed from my chin one day as I was driving. Instead, she seemed impressed at her own ability to pluck without tweezers and my ability to grow such a Guinness Book worthy obstruction. That’s when you know things are way beyond surface level people.

I suggest you all surround yourselves with friends such as these. Feel free to add your own experiences in the comment section. We can all learn from each other. This is a safe place.

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