Why do we watch Bachelor in Paradise? What is it that draws us into the melodramatic lives of these future social media influencers? Do we want them to find love? Are we really interested in Bachelor Nation celebrating another union born from romps on the beach bed and incestuous relationships? 

Of course not. We tune into Bachelor in Paradise to watch Derek sniff Demi’s armpits, John Paul Jones asleep hanging halfway out of a hot tub, and Jordan yanking down a piñata to prove a point. 

And if someone fall in love in the process, so be it.

In Case You Didn’t Know…

Demi is conflicted. She’s been seeing a girl back home and she’s afraid to tell Derek. Interestingly enough, she tells everyone else on the beach, but him, and is super surprised when he takes the news with a grain of salt. I’m sure his cheery disposition will change when ABC points to the cobblestone steps, inviting Demi’s friend a one-way ticket to Paradise. 

Leaving On a Jet Plane

Not Mateo is in touch with his Spidey-sense because everything inside of him tingles with “something ain’t right” vibes. Why is his beloved Hannah giving Blake the time of day? Who swing dances with another man fifty feet away from their sort of boyfriend? Kudos to Dylan for not melting into her arms when she finally comes over to talk to him about “what’s up.” 

Hannah is, like everyone else except for the man sitting in front of her, open to other experiences in Paradise. It’s what it’s all about! She owes it to herself to play the field! Dylan reminds her that he only has eyes for her, and her little boy toy Blake has eyes for Caelyn, Kristina, Tayshia, Becca, Hannah Bama, Emily Maynard, Taylor Swift, and probably Chris Harrison. 

Dylan doesn’t let it go and Hannah finally cracks under the pressure. Guess what? Blake booked a flight to Birmingham a week before Paradise to “meet up.” But don’t worry. They just kissed a little. 

Right, right, right. So was this interlude before or after Stagecoach-Gate? I’m confused on the timeline. Moreover, I don’t technically care. Blake is not a player. He’s a moron who doesn’t know how to treat a woman. 

Once the news gets out, everyone laughs at how the Blake onion continues to reveal new layers. Or to put it in Tayshia’s words, “Every single day, we learn a new piece of Blake’s puzzle. It’s 500 pieces that we originally thought was ten pieces.”

Someone convinces Tayshia to approach Hannah and tell her how her feelings are hurt that she has been tasked with one of the corners of Blake’s pentagon. Hannah doesn’t appreciate being attacked and calls Tayshia a MEAN GIRL. 

On Wednesdays we wear pink. And show our cleavage. 

Down By the River

Dean is back and according to Our Host, he looks like a ‘70s porn star. I would agree. He’s a bit disheveled, has unkept hair, and is very proud of a rather luscious mustache. We learn that he is jobless, homeless, and lives in a van down by the river. 

As you may recall, Dean was a watered down version of Blake from last season. He dated D-Lo and Kristina and did not woo them well. He wants to atone for his sins. When he arrives on the beach, all the women think he is G-O-R-G-E-O-U-S. Clearly these jokers are still suffering from heat exhaustion and dehydration. 

While Dean is off charming all the women, Caelyn overhears Kristina “tell her business” to someone at the bar. Caelyn is RIGHT THERE. And Kristina doesn’t care. This makes Caelyn cry big, huge tears. She’s mortified when Dean walks up to steal her snotty face away for some alone time.

Dean is into the au naturale look and actually digs Caelyn’s blotchy face and random hiccups. He asks her out on a date and she accepts. Big Mike is upset, but he quickly moves on to a new connection with Sydney. 

Who you ask? The brunette one in the background. 

Caelyn and Dean share a meal. She wants to know if he’s serious about setting down.

Let’s put our thinking caps on, Caelyn. He literally lives in a van and travels around places to experience the world. He came to Paradise for a shower and a hot plate of nachos. Get your head in the game, girl. 

This doesn’t stop Caelyn from making out with him in the pool. 

Color Commentary

I would hands down watch a show where Jordan and Demi color commentated all the drama on the beach. Sign me up. 

Jordan: Who’s getting a rose this week?
Demi: ABC – Anyone But Cam

Demi: Last night I swear Chris aged every ten minutes. By the end of the night he was ninety-three-years-old.

Jordan [watching two girls run down the beach]: Look! It’s a Forever 21 commercial!

Shake Your Bon-Bon

Christian is back and I don’t expect you to know who he is since our amigo was cut the first night of Becca’s season. He did have a moment with Jordan on Men Tell All when he tried to get fifteen seconds of fame by wearing a tuxedo on top and pedal pushers on the bottom. But Jordan put him in his place by introducing himself. 

Here’s what we know about Christian from my earlier recaps during Becca’s season:

Christian comes in with lots of heat and immediately asks Nicole to go on a date. This makes three for Havana, which presumably puts her into the “hot commodity” category. 

They ride jet skis, whisper sweet Spanish nothings into each other’s ears, and then make out on the beach From Here To Eternity style. Havana thinks Christian is sexy and confident. That’s her sweet spot. It’s also the opposite of Clay’s disposition. She wants Clay to be more assertive. 

When she returns to the beach, she tells him that. Nicole wants Clay to step out of his comfort zone and do something special. While she lectures him on how to properly court her, Christian comes up to steal Nicole away. Clay isn’t having it. Whilst laying down on the beach bed, he argues with Christian. He had her all day. It’s Clay’s turn. 

Nicole allows Clay to stay, kindly sends Christian back to the bar, and then lightly chastises Clay for not standing up (literally) to defend her honor in front of Christian. Use your size and intimidate him, man! 

Hey Havana. Clay is way too classy to do that. If you want machismo, Christian is right there. 

O Romeo, Romeo, Wherefore Art Thou, Romeo?

Where are thou, Romeo? He’s under a very big pillow, but don’t tell anyone. John Paul Jones has decided that he is going to profess his love through the medium of iambic pentameter. With a “shaka brah” tone to his voice. Tayshia is his Juliet and he is her Romeo.

He stumbles through one part, since he decided to memorize the entire thing, and Tayshia LOVES it. They make out and she is floored by the revelation that under all that “dude” talk, Heath Ledger’s cousin and fourth member of Hansen might be, dare I say, smart? 

This is My Fight Song

When Christian pulls Havana away for a fun surprise, complete with a piñata full of tiny bottles of alcohol, Clay makes a rookie mistake by asking Jordan of all people if she should go and steal Nicole away, just as Christian tried to do the day before. 

Jordan pokes that bear with a piñata stick and says, “YES!” Always a nice guy, Clay does his best to politely ask Christian if he can steal Nicole for five minutes, but he is denied. Just as Christian was denied less than twenty-four hours ago. 

Clay returns to his bros, claiming he didn’t want to put Nicole in a weird position of having to choose. Jordan gives a battle cry, “No one treats my buddy like that!” and runs over to crash Christian’s fiesta. 

Jordan begins by pulling down the piñata and is met with an arm to the throat. I imagine Jordan thought he could just whip that thing down, walking it over to the surf, and toss it in with the fishes, just like he did last year with that big teddy bear. 

That is not what happened. We see Christian going after Jordan and Jordan body slamming the soccer player to the ground. 

TO BE CONTINUED…

Do you think Christian will punch Jordan in the face? And will Jordan press charges? His face is his moneymaker after all. Did you know he was a model?