Bachelor in Paradise Recap: Zero Tolerance Policy
If you thought the opening scenes of this episode was going to rival the scripted greatness of The Rock laying the smack down on someone by giving him or her “the people’s eyebrow,” then you were one-percent correct. Other than a somewhat impressive body slam by Jordan, the remaining ten minute brawl could only be described as a kerfuffle.
Sure Christian ripped off his own shirt as a sign of “come and get me” aggression as twelve security guards shouted at him in Spanish to cálmese, but that didn’t stop the producers and handlers from gathering in a circle to try and puzzle out what to do in this unchartered territory.
Of course the answer was, “Someone get Chris Harrison.”
There’s a zero tolerance policy on the beaches of Sayulita. You may not go around punching or body slamming people willy nilly. You may poke them and slam other things, but that’s only when a consent has been signed and you are in the privacy of a fantasy suite.
Jordan’s temper and Christian’s retaliation landed them both in a rejection SUV back home. Although I don’t think Jordan cared very much, Christian seemed irritated that he couldn’t explore Havana Nicole in more ways than the obvious. As a result, she was back in Clay’s arms by the time the two men who “fought for her” were even packed. It’s as if she never left the beach bed.
Let the record show she did tell Clay she wished he would have come over, but she’s glad he didn’t because now they can be together.
I’ve seen similar sentiments in a Hallmark card. Very sweet.
Take Your Vitamins
Hannah has no idea which boy deserves her rose. Is it Vitamin D or Vitamin B? In case you didn’t follow that cracker jack word play, she’s trying to decide between Dylan and Blake.
I’d like to point out that Hannah doesn’t do anything for these jokers when it comes to romantic gestures. Dylan took the time to gather “dinner of champions” items like saltines, grapes, cheese, and gummy worms, to prove his love. Then he reminds her that he is smitten with her essence.
Blake takes Hannah to remind her why she has a crush on him. (His words, not mine.) He one ups the gummy worms by hiring a mariachi band to storm the beach so he can execute his famous dance moves in front of the entire beach of people watching. Newsflash: they are also judging him. He’s playing a mean game and everyone is Team Dylan.
When the rose ceremony finally rolls around, no one really cares about any boutonnière other than Hannah’s. Many were able to suppress audible cheers of joy when Malibu Barbie chooses the nice guy over the player.
Or should I say Vitamin D over Vitamin B.
Playing Dirty? Or Playing the Game?
After Hannah, Mother Russia is called up to the podium to hand out her rose. Of course she gives it to Blake and we all yell at her for being so stupid. Little did we know that Kristina wants Blake to stay around so he can watch Hannah and Dylan’s love story unfold up close. She thinks this is an acceptable amount of torture.
And it works. Home Boy can barely leave the bed because everyone else is paired up with someone.
Onyeka leaves on her own accord because she doesn’t have any romantic feelings for anyone else on the beach. PS: No one has given her the time of day. I’m not sure why she would ditch Paradise now, since she has the power and can technically stay another week to see which beefcake walks down the cobblestone steps. I thought this was odd.
Demi and Derek are a pair (for now) along with Katie and Chris. Clay and Havana of cousre, as well as Caelyn and Dean’s Mustache. John Paul Jones is all about Tayshia and Sydney claims to like Big Mike.
That leaves poor Cam out in the cold, as well as Wills. Keith/Kevin didn’t get a rose either. We don’t know if it’s because people forgot he was there or if they felt embarrassed because they didn’t know his name.
New Girl in Town
Caitlyn arrives on the beach and everyone in Colton’s season is excited to see her, excluding Caelyn. Why? Because Caitlyn is a younger variation of Caelyn and currently doesn’t have two weeks worth of booze, sun burn, sleep deprivation, and drama in her system. What I’m saying is that these two could be blood relatives:
Caelyn is also upset because Caitlyn has her eyes set on Dean’s Mustache.
SERIOUSLY. WHAT IS UP WITH ALL THE GIRLS LOVING DEANIE BABIES?
Poor Caitlyn quickly learns that everyone is pretty much paired up. But there is one lonely boy who isn’t technically “exploring” anything with the ladies and his name is Blake.
Dylan: I’m pretty sure Caitlyn will be the next woman caught in Blake’s web. Hopefully she wasn’t at Stagecoach.
Sweet Dylan. Of course she was at Stagecoach. Blake killed nine birds with one stone that weekend.
Caitlyn invites Blake to join her on her date. They do a little bit of tantric yoga, as one does when first meeting a potential suitor. Then Blake gives Caitlyn the ninety-second “Blake Begats” story about how he’s connected with everyone in Paradise. He wants to be honest, you see.
Blake: So I just needed to tell you that Kristina gave me her rose. We dated a bit, but then we hooked up a couple of times as friends.
Lincee: That’s terrible phrasing.
Blake: Then I was at Stagecoach and I saw Kristina, but Caelyn came over and we hooked up.
Lincee: As friends?
Blake: Then I came here and saw Hannah, but thought I should ask Tayshia out on my date.
Lincee: To make Hannah jealous, I presume?
Blake: I didn’t know how I felt about Hannah at the time.
Lincee: Because you didn’t get that confirmation from the “coffee” you shared in Birmingham one week before Paradise?
Blake: I did pursue her last week, but she gave her rose to Dylan.
Lincee: Gummy worms will always win.
Interestingly enough, Caitlyn tells Blake this entire ordeal makes complete sense. People make mistakes all the time. It’s not a negative thing.
- Actually, it is a negative thing.
- She bewitched him with her eyes.
- They make out in the pool.
- Blake claims he’s ready to forgive himself.
- I throw up in my mouth a little bit.
When Blake and Caitlyn get back from their sexy yoga time, Dylan is gifted with a date card and he asks Hannah to join him. They get all lovey dovey as Aztec warrior dance around them. He tells Hannah he’s falling in love with her and she responds by telling him that she is ALL IN.
Meanwhile, Blake whines about how he thinks Caitlyn is a breath of fresh air, but hindsight proves that he should have given Hannah his date card on day one. Also, Dylan is clingy, which is the opposite of what Hannah wants.
Again, I think it’s fascinating how Blake always knows what Hannah wants.
John Paul Jones pulls Tayshia aside so she can know where his head is at (read: above his neck.) He gives her some background about his life, like the time he almost proposed to a woman he had been dating for a while. He makes her blush when he admits that she makes him act like a nervous fool when she’s around.
He’s goofy, eccentric, more than a surfer, and Tayshia is ALL ABOUT THE JPJ. I don’t get this pairing, yet I am here for it. All day.
Hannah Bama is back and she gathers all the Paradisers in one group so she can hug everyone and then leave with Demi. She’s worried about her friend.
It turns out, her suspicions are accurate. Demi is not feeling Derek in a romantic way because all she can think about is the woman back home. Per Hannah’s advice, she tells Derek this and he takes it beautifully in front of her, before crying in private.
When we last leave Demi, she has marched over to the producer. We seem him speak into his walkie saying, “Demi would like to see Chris Harrison.”
Get in line, Demi.