Bachelor in Paradise Recap: Zero Tolerance Policy

If you thought the opening scenes of this episode was going to rival the scripted greatness of The Rock laying the smack down on someone by giving him or her “the people’s eyebrow,” then you were one-percent correct. Other than a somewhat impressive body slam by Jordan, the remaining ten minute brawl could only be described as a kerfuffle. 

Sure Christian ripped off his own shirt as a sign of “come and get me” aggression as twelve security guards shouted at him in Spanish to cálmese, but that didn’t stop the producers and handlers from gathering in a circle to try and puzzle out what to do in this unchartered territory.

Of course the answer was, “Someone get Chris Harrison.” 

There’s a zero tolerance policy on the beaches of Sayulita. You may not go around punching or body slamming people willy nilly. You may poke them and slam other things, but that’s only when a consent has been signed and you are in the privacy of a fantasy suite.

Jordan’s temper and Christian’s retaliation landed them both in a rejection SUV back home. Although I don’t think Jordan cared very much, Christian seemed irritated that he couldn’t explore Havana Nicole in more ways than the obvious. As a result, she was back in Clay’s arms by the time the two men who “fought for her” were even packed. It’s as if she never left the beach bed. 

Let the record show she did tell Clay she wished he would have come over, but she’s glad he didn’t because now they can be together.

I’ve seen similar sentiments in a Hallmark card. Very sweet. 

Take Your Vitamins

Hannah has no idea which boy deserves her rose. Is it Vitamin D or Vitamin B? In case you didn’t follow that cracker jack word play, she’s trying to decide between Dylan and Blake. 

I’d like to point out that Hannah doesn’t do anything for these jokers when it comes to romantic gestures. Dylan took the time to gather “dinner of champions” items like saltines, grapes, cheese, and gummy worms, to prove his love. Then he reminds  her that he is smitten with her essence. 

Blake takes Hannah to remind her why she has a crush on him. (His words, not mine.) He one ups the gummy worms by hiring a mariachi band to storm the beach so he can execute his famous dance moves in front of the entire beach of people watching. Newsflash: they are also judging him. He’s playing a mean game and everyone is Team Dylan. 

When the rose ceremony finally rolls around, no one really cares about any boutonnière other than Hannah’s. Many were able to suppress audible cheers of joy when Malibu Barbie chooses the nice guy over the player. 

Or should I say Vitamin D over Vitamin B. 

Playing Dirty? Or Playing the Game?

After Hannah, Mother Russia is called up to the podium to hand out her rose. Of course she gives it to Blake and we all yell at her for being so stupid. Little did we know that Kristina wants Blake to stay around so he can watch Hannah and Dylan’s love story unfold up close. She thinks this is an acceptable amount of torture. 

And it works. Home Boy can barely leave the bed because everyone else is paired up with someone. 

ROLL CALL!

Onyeka leaves on her own accord because she doesn’t have any romantic feelings for anyone else on the beach. PS: No one has given her the time of day. I’m not sure why she would ditch Paradise now, since she has the power and can technically stay another week to see which beefcake walks down the cobblestone steps. I thought this was odd.

Demi and Derek are a pair (for now) along with Katie and Chris. Clay and Havana of cousre, as well as Caelyn and Dean’s Mustache. John Paul Jones is all about Tayshia and Sydney claims to like Big Mike. 

That leaves poor Cam out in the cold, as well as Wills. Keith/Kevin didn’t get a rose either. We don’t know if it’s because people forgot he was there or if they felt embarrassed because they didn’t know his name.  

New Girl in Town

Caitlyn arrives on the beach and everyone in Colton’s season is excited to see her, excluding Caelyn. Why? Because Caitlyn is a younger variation of Caelyn and currently doesn’t have two weeks worth of booze, sun burn, sleep deprivation, and drama in her system. What I’m saying is that these two could be blood relatives: 

Caelyn is also upset because Caitlyn has her eyes set on Dean’s Mustache. 

SERIOUSLY. WHAT IS UP WITH ALL THE GIRLS LOVING DEANIE BABIES?

Poor Caitlyn quickly learns that everyone is pretty much paired up. But there is one lonely boy who isn’t technically “exploring” anything with the ladies and his name is Blake.

Dylan: I’m pretty sure Caitlyn will be the next woman caught in Blake’s web. Hopefully she wasn’t at Stagecoach.

Sweet Dylan. Of course she was at Stagecoach. Blake killed nine birds with one stone that weekend. 

Caitlyn invites Blake to join her on her date. They do a little bit of tantric yoga, as one does when first meeting a potential suitor. Then Blake gives Caitlyn the ninety-second “Blake Begats” story about how he’s connected with everyone in Paradise. He wants to be honest, you see. 

Blake: So I just needed to tell you that Kristina gave me her rose. We dated a bit, but then we hooked up a couple of times as friends. 
Lincee: That’s terrible phrasing. 

Blake: Then I was at Stagecoach and I saw Kristina, but Caelyn came over and we hooked up. 
Lincee: As friends?

Blake: Then I came here and saw Hannah, but thought I should ask Tayshia out on my date.
Lincee: To make Hannah jealous, I presume? 

Blake: I didn’t know how I felt about Hannah at the time.
Lincee: Because you didn’t get that confirmation from the “coffee” you shared in Birmingham one week before Paradise?

Blake: I did pursue her last week, but she gave her rose to Dylan.
Lincee: Gummy worms will always win.

Interestingly enough, Caitlyn tells Blake this entire ordeal makes complete sense. People make mistakes all the time. It’s not a negative thing. 

  1. Actually, it is a negative thing.
  2. She bewitched him with her eyes.
  3. They make out in the pool.
  4. Blake claims he’s ready to forgive himself.
  5. I throw up in my mouth a little bit. 

When Blake and Caitlyn get back from their sexy yoga time, Dylan is gifted with a date card and he asks Hannah to join him. They get all lovey dovey as Aztec warrior dance around them. He tells Hannah he’s falling in love with her and she responds by telling him that she is ALL IN.

Meanwhile, Blake whines about how he thinks Caitlyn is a breath of fresh air, but hindsight proves that he should have given Hannah his date card on day one. Also, Dylan is clingy, which is the opposite of what Hannah wants.

Again, I think it’s fascinating how Blake always knows what Hannah wants.

Surfer Dude

John Paul Jones pulls Tayshia aside so she can know where his head is at (read: above his neck.) He gives her some background about his life, like the time he almost proposed to a woman he had been dating for a while. He makes her blush when he admits that she makes him act like a nervous fool when she’s around. 

He’s goofy, eccentric, more than a surfer, and Tayshia is ALL ABOUT THE JPJ. I don’t get this pairing, yet I am here for it. All day.

Roll Tide

Hannah Bama is back and she gathers all the Paradisers in one group so she can hug everyone and then leave with Demi. She’s worried about her friend. 

It turns out, her suspicions are accurate. Demi is not feeling Derek in a romantic way because all she can think about is the woman back home. Per Hannah’s advice, she tells Derek this and he takes it beautifully in front of her, before crying in private.

When we last leave Demi, she has marched over to the producer. We seem him speak into his walkie saying, “Demi would like to see Chris Harrison.” 

Get in line, Demi. 

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Kelli
Kelli

OMG, Lincee! I can’t believe you left out the best line of the night! Demi, talking about Blake getting the rose! “Blake? He’s like the turd that won’t flush!” I laughed so hard at that–best line ever. Kevin wants to be best friends with Demi, now that Jordan is gone.

I do feel badly for Jim Halpert. He seems like a good guy, but I also feel for Demi too. Maybe Hannahbama and Halpert can get together. Or is she previously committed to Dancing with the Stars?

Jaime
Jaime

You are totally right. That was the best line. We literally LOL’d.

Jaime
Jaime

I was sad to see Jordan go. He and Demi’s commentary could have kept me entertained for days. Did anyone else wonder where Hannah went after her one-on-one with Demi? I thought that was odd. Maybe she should stay at Paradise given what we know about her current sitch.

Libby
Libby

She was still with Jed at the time of filming and had no idea what was coming her way. Apparently the People magazine expose came out right after she got back from Paradise.

Rosa
Rosa

I live for this content every week!! I was sad to see Jordan go too, although he seemed to exit gracefully. I think he came on a little too strong to Paradise. The pinata thing was kinda funny but he was crazy to mess with Christian. I feel like they have been in Paradise for 6 weeks, when in reality it’s probably a matter of a few days! Sweet Dylan needs to take it down a notch. I get that he likes Hannah but I have to agree he’s sooooo clingy and seems desperate. They flew Hannah B alllll the way to paradise for that 3 minute convo!?!?! I’m about ready for Demi to make up her mind like Hannah did! Poor Derek!

YANK
YANK

Killing nine birds with one stone… Another Lincee classic. Hey did anyone else notice when Hannah did the whole Vitamin B – Vitamin D thing, she reversed the order on her hands when she said “Dylan. Blake” (Don’t know why I thought that was funny, but it was.)

NewMama
NewMama

Yes! I noticed that too–oh, Hannah…

DonnaMarie
DonnaMarie

Of course Havana Nicole said the fight was over her. Um, actually, it was between two guys defending the honor of a Piñata and a Clay.

LORRAINE
LORRAINE

There was BOOZE in that Pinata! LOL

Yesi
Yesi

Hahaha!!!

Lisa
Lisa

Two things: Christian is not just hot blooded, he is loco! Who goes batcrap crazy over a pinata that we all know wasn’t even his idea, but some producer’s? I think Jordan was brought in to stir the pot, and he got carried away. He was fine with going home. Also, I want to know what kind of sunscreen Demi is using, because the girl is all peaches-and-cream surrounded by bronzed and burnt! (Okay, maybe that was three things…)

Libby
Libby

I think he went batcrap crazy over being slammed to the ground more so than the pinata….

AnnyFanny
AnnyFanny

… batcrap crazy by being thrown to the ground by JORDAN.

LORRAINE
LORRAINE

Dylan IS TOO Clingy!! And I like Blake and glad he is getting a 2nd chance at love with the new chicka. Seems to me that the Hannah moment could have been video- conferenced in. What a waste. Hannah is OVER- EXPOSED!
The Demi Turd comment was Hilarious! I will miss Jordan’s Antics, but there was no reason for him to touch that Pinata!!

Crystal
Crystal

Yes! I nearly hide behind a couch cushion when it shows Dylan constantly nuzzling up on her! And he’s always with her and the girls during girl talk on the couch/beds…..can he not give her 15 minutes alone for some girl talk???

Jen
Jen

When Havana was recapping the fight to a couple of other girls on the beach bed, I kept picturing Tai retelling her near-death experience in Clueless. Also, I loved the conversation between JPJ and Tayshia–so funny! I read somewhere that he’s actually a financial analyst in real life. And I will be so, so happy if I never have to witness Blake’s dance moves again. Every time he speaks to a girl he likes, I think he’s channeling Alec Baldwin’s character on Friends, who had a “zest for life” and said a traffic jam had the “glow of the light of a thousand fairies “.

TexasRed
TexasRed

Hilarious Clueless reference! I thought she was being a bit over-dramatic, too!

Janet
Janet

I totally agree with the mentions about Dylan being overly clingy. Its like he is in high school and this is his first love. I’m sure he is a sweet guy and its too late now but he should of put himself out there and chatted up some the other women.

faninAZ
faninAZ

Yes, his puppy dog adoration of a cute girl who has a “meh” personality screams middle school romance/crush. He’s a sweet guy, but it’s uncomfortable to watch.

Contrarian
Contrarian

I am not onboard with the double standard accorded Demi. While I find many of her comments insightful and funny, she’s toying with Derek as she awaits her g/f. She knows he’s falling for her, yet she strings him along. Slow-motion cruelty to a decent bloke.

Maybe it’s his own fault for being blind or having low self-esteem, but at this point I officially don’t care what happens to Demi.

faninAZ
faninAZ

I agree. Love me some Demi, but it seems planned for ratings gold, and I feel so bad for Derek.

Contrarian
Contrarian

It doesn’t help that Demi keeps saying she’s “so confused” when it’s clear she’s not confused but is simply milking and manipulating the situation to serve her own priorities. Of course the producers are going for ratings, so they’re happy to ignore that and focus on Demi “coming out” as a lesbian.

Bottom line: she deceived Derek about the depth and duration of her relationship with Christian, something that would have been disqualifying (or at least condemned) if a guy had done the same thing. Instead, she gets Chris Harrison lavishing love on her. So woke.

Libby
Libby

1. She is bisexual, not a lesbian.
2. Demi was pretty up front to Derek about it early on (you have to remember these “weeks” are actually filmed over a matter of days).
3. For the love of all things holy, do not compare Demi to someone like Jed. Having someone you’re casually dating back home and then going on a show like Paradise (who I’m sure people don’t actually expect to find them actual love) and being up front about it early on is WAY DIFFERENT than proposing to a person while having a girl back home and only coming clean when you’re caught.

Rosa
Rosa

I agree she was totally up front, but is it now OK for any cast member to bring in whoever they want to “see what happens”? I’m not comparing Demi to Jed in any way and I’m happy for her that she finally decided what and who she wanted. I just think after making that decision, they should return home and continue that relationship. It’s not fair to Derek and I just think it’s going to create more drama across the show. I guess that’s the goal for ratings but I just don’t think it’s fair. I guess it’s uncharted territory and I think they are milking it for all it’s worth.

Sincethebeginning
Sincethebeginning

They make exceptions any time they want. Ashley I brought her sister. I think they do what raises ratings period. Demi isn’t the first and won’t be the last…

Rosa
Rosa

I felt TERRIBLE for Derek as well. It was heart wrenching!!! I honestly don’t mind the whole Demi Christian thing, but it seems more for “the show” and Derek is stuck watching it. I think Demi should have exited paradise with Christian once she decided that’s what she wanted. There is no need in them staying to flaunt it all in front of Derek. Is it now OK for any cast member to bring in whoever they left back home?

Libby
Libby

There’s something to be said for them to not immediately hide away the show’s first same-sex couple. I mean yeah, they are definitely doing it for ratings because Demi is good tv on her own and I don’t deny that it’s going to suck for Derek but I’m sure he’ll find someone else with no trouble. I love what this could do to normalize same-sex couples on such a traditionally hetero-normative show. It is so wonderful for ABC to FINALLY be showing the LGBT community some representation, even if it’s not the most perfectly done.

Amira
Amira

Exactly! I like Demi as well, but I’m also angry about the double standard. A guy would have gotten a bad edit even if he would’ve been upfront about it with his love interest in paradise. I guess being a fan favourite changes everything.

Linda
Linda

I guess they had to get rid of Christian so they could bring in the female Kristian and not confuse everyone!

Teri

Kristina needs to go away. She’s tiresomely hostile and manipulative.

NewMama
NewMama

Agreed! She’s evolved from a lovely, almost-innocent, likeable young woman to a manipulative, sly mean girl. Plus her face looks different–I’m calling collagen! No longer feeling Mother Russia.

tracee
tracee

So happy Clay still there! Thankfully Nicole hand was forced. Miss Jordan already. The comedy team of Demi and Jordan was the best

Christa S
Christa S

Did anyone else notice Dylan was in the pool with Hannah, and he had his legs wrapped around her waist while she carried him around? I had to rewind and make sure that’s what I was seeing. I laughed so hard! It was in the background when Katie was sitting on the side of the pool talking to someone about Chris going out with the new girl.