Bachelor in Paradise Recap: Tight Speedo
When I asked my friend Amy which Bachelor in Paradise episode number we were on, the answer jolted me. At first, six seemed like a lot in a short amount of time. Conversely, I feel like I’ve been watching this season of Bachelor in Paradise since the Obama administration.
Especially since last night’s episode lacked in dramatic interludes or comedic relief.
So Hot in Here
Tahzjuan is back. For those of you who don’t remember her, fear not. None of the rest of us remember her either. Which is fine because her whiny, frazzled, hateful demeanor sent her back into the rejection SUV less than 24-hours after she arrived.
Am I being too critical? I think not. Let’s put aside the fact that she incessantly complains about the heat and focus on her propensity to spread the opposite of joy wherever she goes. I thought it was sad when she almost passed out from heat exhaustion. I questioned the Doogie Howser medical attendant who looked after her. But it was her possessiveness over John Paul Jones that made me want to fast forward through her parts.
Paradise is Hard
Tayshia takes a page out of Katie’s book and invites John Paul Jones to “explore” with other people and to go on as many dates as he can with what little time they have left. Is it because John Paul Jones has officially flicked her last nerve? Perhaps. The better theory is this:
Now that Demi is out of the picture, Tayshia has her sights set on this stud muffin. And since Tahzjuan is the first woman to enter paradise who didn’t hook up with Blake at Stagecoach, she zeros in on JPJ’s luscious locks and waves a date card in front of his face before fanning herself with it. A quick peek at Tayshia confirms she is all up in Derek’s biz, so John Paul Jones readies himself for a one-on-one and conducts some light manscaping.
“TAKE THAT TAYSHIA.”
Tayshia can’t hear him because she’s currently consoling Derek on the beach bed.
JPJ and Tahz leave on their date. John Paul Jones feels free to laugh maniacally with Tahzjuan at dinner, while puking his guts out after eating the questionable meat that has been sitting out in the heat for hours. Then they skinny dip in a river. Fun times.
Double Your Pleasure
The arrival of Twin is confusing when she wobbles down the steps alone. Where is Other Twin? In Happy Town, that’s where.
This Twin is “so excited” for her sister for finding true love back home. So she’s ready to find “true love” in Paradise so they can have a double wedding. With which islander you ask? That would be John Paul Jones.
This sends Tahzjuan over the edge. How dare Twin ask her man out? She complains about this fact to anyone wearing a swimsuit, and Wells, and moans in a high pitched voice about all the couples in Paradise. LIFE IS SO UNFAIR.
It’s not unfair for John Paul Jones. He gets to ride horseback with Twin. He also gets to rub copious amounts of sunscreen all over her butt. Thanks for the Black Modesty Box, ABC!
We spend the rest of the date wondering if John Paul Jones is high or just weird.
When they return to the beach, Tahz is there to make things super duper awkward. She asks all sorts of questions regarding their date. Did they kiss? Did they get naked like she and JPH did? Can she spit in Twin’s wine?
You know, just an average run down of inquiries before you go and boil the bunny.
John Paul Jones isn’t bombed beyond recognizing that Tahz has got to go. He gives his rose to Twin. Let the record show that we don’t know if he would have given it to Tayshia, should he been given the chance. Derek intercepted that possibility with his Jim Halpert smile and dazzling blue eyes.
Astrological Sign = Red Flag
Wells and Demi corner Caelyn to remind her that Dean is a heartbreaker. She needs to proceed with caution and her first order of business should be to ask him where his head is at.
It’s on his neck. Moving on.
Dean says that he is “happy with this.” Caelyn pushes him further by letting him in on a secret: His reputation isn’t that great and many people on the beach have instructed her to be careful.
Dean understands. But he also wants to be free. He doesn’t want a normal life. He doesn’t want to go to dinner parties. He has little interest talking about his emotions and feelings. He thinks it’s Caelyn’s job to convince him differently. Otherwise, she’s just going to feel stupid.
I think that’s pretty straight forward, myself. However, in true Caelyn fashion, she swats back at the red flag as it waves around in her face. She wonders why Dean would have come to Paradise in the first place if he wasn’t interested in a relationship.
Hey Caelyn, we’ve been over this a million times. He came for a shower and the free booze.
I used to like Mother Russia. Now I see her as a mean girl who, given the challenge, could probably make fetch happen. She certainly knows how to sabotage a relationship.
Caitlyn is all about Blake. Blake is all about Caitlyn. He likes her so much, that he promises her his rose. Kristina interrupts their one-on-one time during the cocktail hour and convinces Blake that if he gives his rose to Caitlyn, she will treat it like a diamond ring. Meaning, should another Stagecoach attendee come waltzing down the stairs, he wouldn’t be able to make a move since Malibu Barbie is currently planning their wedding reception.
Kristina claims that the smartest thing to do is to give her a friendship rose. Just like she gave him last week. PS: “If he wanted her here, he would have gone after her at Stagecoach.”
Also, does anyone know if Stagecoach 2020 is sold out yet? My bet is yes. Hopefully Caitlyn already landed a VIP ticket from concert organizers. Blake gives his rose to his friend (with benefits) Mother Russia and Caitlyn is sent home.
Odds and Ends
- According to all the women from Colton’s season, he can not kiss worth a flip. Although that was a crushing, very public announcement, Tayshia claims she taught him to do better. Then she winks at Derek.
- Kristian is nervous that Demi has a thing for John Paul Jones. Demi only has to point to the guy currently doing cartwheels all along the beach to prove that Kristian has an active imagination.
- Calling someone a “pigeon” is not a thing. We looked it up in Urban Dictionary.
- Chris gives his rose to Katie instead of Jen. They wanted this to be dramatic. It wasn’t.
- Demi gets special treatment and gets to hand out a rose just like one of the guys. They wanted this to be dramatic. It wasn’t.
- Dean pulls Caelyn aside to tell her something important. She’s nervous. The screen blacks out and we have to wait until the next episode to know what is going on. They wanted this to be dramatic. It wasn’t.