Bachelor in Paradise Recap: Tight Speedo

When I asked my friend Amy which Bachelor in Paradise episode number we were on, the answer jolted me. At first, six seemed like a lot in a short amount of time. Conversely, I feel like I’ve been watching this season of Bachelor in Paradise since the Obama administration.

Especially since last night’s episode lacked in dramatic interludes or comedic relief. 

So Hot in Here

Tahzjuan is back. For those of you who don’t remember her, fear not. None of the rest of us remember her either. Which is fine because her whiny, frazzled, hateful demeanor sent her back into the rejection SUV less than 24-hours after she arrived.

Am I being too critical? I think not. Let’s put aside the fact that she incessantly complains about the heat and focus on her propensity to spread the opposite of joy wherever she goes. I thought it was sad when she almost passed out from heat exhaustion. I questioned the Doogie Howser medical attendant who looked after her. But it was her possessiveness over John Paul Jones that made me want to fast forward through her parts. 

Paradise is Hard 

Tayshia takes a page out of Katie’s book and invites John Paul Jones to “explore” with other people and to go on as many dates as he can with what little time they have left. Is it because John Paul Jones has officially flicked her last nerve? Perhaps. The better theory is this:

Now that Demi is out of the picture, Tayshia has her sights set on this stud muffin. And since Tahzjuan is the first woman to enter paradise who didn’t hook up with Blake at Stagecoach, she zeros in on JPJ’s luscious locks and waves a date card in front of his face before fanning herself with it. A quick peek at Tayshia confirms she is all up in Derek’s biz, so John Paul Jones readies himself for a one-on-one and conducts some light manscaping.

“TAKE THAT TAYSHIA.”

Tayshia can’t hear him because she’s currently consoling Derek on the beach bed.

JPJ and Tahz leave on their date. John Paul Jones feels free to laugh maniacally with Tahzjuan at dinner, while puking his guts out after eating the questionable meat that has been sitting out in the heat for hours. Then they skinny dip in a river. Fun times. 

Double Your Pleasure

The arrival of Twin is confusing when she wobbles down the steps alone. Where is Other Twin? In Happy Town, that’s where.

This Twin is “so excited” for her sister for finding true love back home. So she’s ready to find “true love” in Paradise so they can have a double wedding. With which islander you ask? That would be John Paul Jones. 

This sends Tahzjuan over the edge. How dare Twin ask her man out? She complains about this fact to anyone wearing a swimsuit, and Wells, and moans in a high pitched voice about all the couples in Paradise. LIFE IS SO UNFAIR.

It’s not unfair for John Paul Jones. He gets to ride horseback with Twin. He also gets to rub copious amounts of sunscreen all over her butt. Thanks for the Black Modesty Box, ABC!

We spend the rest of the date wondering if John Paul Jones is high or just weird.

When they return to the beach, Tahz is there to make things super duper awkward. She asks all sorts of questions regarding their date. Did they kiss? Did they get naked like she and JPH did? Can she spit in Twin’s wine? 

You know, just an average run down of inquiries before you go and boil the bunny. 

John Paul Jones isn’t bombed beyond recognizing that Tahz has got to go. He gives his rose to Twin. Let the record show that we don’t know if he would have given it to Tayshia, should he been given the chance. Derek intercepted that possibility with his Jim Halpert smile and dazzling blue eyes.

Astrological Sign = Red Flag

Wells and Demi corner Caelyn to remind her that Dean is a heartbreaker. She needs to proceed with caution and her first order of business should be to ask him where his head is at.

It’s on his neck. Moving on.

Dean says that he is “happy with this.” Caelyn pushes him further by letting him in on a secret: His reputation isn’t that great and many people on the beach have instructed her to be careful. 

Dean understands. But he also wants to be free. He doesn’t want a normal life. He doesn’t want to go to dinner parties. He has little interest talking about his emotions and feelings. He thinks it’s Caelyn’s job to convince him differently. Otherwise, she’s just going to feel stupid.

I think that’s pretty straight forward, myself. However, in true Caelyn fashion, she swats back at the red flag as it waves around in her face. She wonders why Dean would have come to Paradise in the first place if he wasn’t interested in a relationship.

Hey Caelyn, we’ve been over this a million times. He came for a shower and the free booze. 

Master Manipulator

I used to like Mother Russia. Now I see her as a mean girl who, given the challenge, could probably make fetch happen. She certainly knows how to sabotage a relationship. 

Caitlyn is all about Blake. Blake is all about Caitlyn. He likes her so much, that he promises her his rose. Kristina interrupts their one-on-one time during the cocktail hour and convinces Blake that if he gives his rose to Caitlyn, she will treat it like a diamond ring. Meaning, should another Stagecoach attendee come waltzing down the stairs, he wouldn’t be able to make a move since Malibu Barbie is currently planning their wedding reception.

Kristina claims that the smartest thing to do is to give her a friendship rose. Just like she gave him last week. PS: “If he wanted her here, he would have gone after her at Stagecoach.”

O-U-C-H Kristina! 

Also, does anyone know if Stagecoach 2020 is sold out yet? My bet is yes. Hopefully Caitlyn already landed a VIP ticket from concert organizers. Blake gives his rose to his friend (with benefits) Mother Russia and Caitlyn is sent home. 

Odds and Ends

  • According to all the women from Colton’s season, he can not kiss worth a flip. Although that was a crushing, very public announcement, Tayshia claims she taught him to do better. Then she winks at Derek.
  • Kristian is nervous that Demi has a thing for John Paul Jones. Demi only has to point to the guy currently doing cartwheels all along the beach to prove that Kristian has an active imagination. 
  • Calling someone a “pigeon” is not a thing. We looked it up in Urban Dictionary. 
  • Chris gives his rose to Katie instead of Jen. They wanted this to be dramatic. It wasn’t. 
  • Demi gets special treatment and gets to hand out a rose just like one of the guys. They wanted this to be dramatic. It wasn’t. 
  • Dean pulls Caelyn aside to tell her something important. She’s nervous. The screen blacks out and we have to wait until the next episode to know what is going on. They wanted this to be dramatic. It wasn’t. 
Photo By: abc.com

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Sincethebeginning
Sincethebeginning

I thought that along with Mother Russia (the music in the background was genius), Tayshia played a little manipulation game with JPJ. I thought it was sneaky of her to suggest to JPJ that he play the field, and then blame his “drama” on why she’s moved on. I felt like he got duped…by Tayshia, not by Derek. JPJ really liked her and since she just wanted to stay, she then turned the tables. Fascinating how the personalities shine through after so much time on the SUPER HOT beach.

Sara P
Sara P

Unlike Katie, who was trying to protect herself, I think Tayshia is really quite happy for JPJ to move on to someone else. No manipulation about it – she would rather go after Derek now that he’s not coupled with Demi and she’s nowhere near as into JPJ as he is into her. Don’t know why JPJ is yelling at Derek in the promos – I guess we’ll find out.

Amira
Amira

Exactly! I loved Mother Russia on Nick’s season but now she just comes across as mean and I don’t like her at all on BIP this time. In my opinion this really shows what editing does in terms of how likable a person comes across. They actually can give someone a different edit and it changes completely how we see them.

Same with Tayshia. For me she’s too manipulative and calculating. Why didn’t she just tell JPJ that she’s just not that into him? It would have been more honest instead of telling him she wanted him to be happy and thus explore other options.

Sandra
Sandra

I about fell off the couch when JPJ said the twin was “as smart as a doctor”!

Contrarian
Contrarian

I think he meant Dr. Zeus.

Nan
Nan

Dr. Seuss was very smart

Contrarian
Contrarian

You’re 100% right. I stand corrected!

Shannon
Shannon

When Tahzjuan came down the stairs she said she would step on anyone’s toes to date whoever she wanted. Funny how in reverse that was not the case! Wow! One date with JPJ and she was absolutely out of control! So much drama!

Liana
Liana

Very boring season so far. Just hanging in there for your recaps and podcasts. Why do they keep inviting people we don’t know? Cracked me up when they outed Colton as a bad kisser.
And what is the attraction with Dean? Is Cailyn that desperate?
Wow, Kristina showed up her true manipulative self. She and Blake deserve each other.

Rosa
Rosa

I think Caelyn knew Deans reputation and wanted to be the one to tame him! It was a challenge, and if you watched last night’s ep then you see she quickly moves on! LOL

Angela
Angela

Yeah. I thought for sure the end of that sentence was going to be “as a box of hammers.”

Contrarian
Contrarian

What’s Wells’ story? He seems normal and nice — and sometimes pretty astute.

DonnaMarie
DonnaMarie

He is engaged to Sarah Hyland of Modern Family. Loved his imitation of JPJ at the end of the show.

Contrarian
Contrarian

Thanks! Never saw the show, but I wish them well.

Following
Following

Since I’m not interested much in gay love, I turn the volume down and watch the faces. My Gosh, no smiling, drone looks, would say most of us have no interest in whatever that is. Much prefer the male/female drama. They should give that other stuff their own show.

Gina
Gina

Wow! What a disgusting and hateful comment. I always look forward to Lincee’s blog for the laughter it brings me, but your bigotry just ruined it for me. I hope you can learn to love those who may differ from yourself, as the alternative will only bring you anger and resentment.

Libby
Libby

Wow, what a hateful person you are. “Most of us have no interest in whatever that is.” Who is this most of us you speak of ? No one has expressed such hatred except for you. No one cares so much about who other people love except for you. Also Kristian and Demi were on the screen for like 5 seconds this episode and it bothered you so much that you had to turn the sound off and make this comment? Heaven forbid you hear a bisexual woman talking? The bachelor franchise is making the statement that they support LGBT+ relationships and rights, because you know, it’s 2019 and it’s about time. Grow up, learn to respect others, and get with the program.

Tara
Tara

Gina and Libby,
Your comments are right on! However, let’s not encourage “Following’s” behavior. Do not feed the trolls.

Libby
Libby

I thought everything with Tahzjuan was absolutely hilarious. I love watching a good meltdown! She was just so extra and I was so here for the comic relief.

Rosa
Rosa

Libby I agree! She literally had margarita running out of her mouth on that swing chair and was then eating colorful spaghetti in the pool. I was DYING laughing!! Definition of a HOT MESS!

LORRAINE
LORRAINE

And the fact that she seemingly fell in love with JPJ so quickly was bananas also!!! Thank goodness she got the BOOT!

islandchic
islandchic

Hilarious, I totally agree, and I thought that if every time sse said “I’m hot” and I took a shot I would be on the floor by the next commercial break. LOL.

DeeBee
DeeBee

Yes and her date with JPJ was priceless. They seemed to have so much fun. She’s just as kooky as he is. Too bad it didn’t work out between them.

Contrarian
Contrarian

I can’t imagine watching this show without being able to fast-forward through the endless commercial breaks. I actually thought the FCC had established a maximum number of spots per hour for network programming. Obviously not.

“Coming up…!” is as far as I get before pressing the button on the remote.