Bachelor in Paradise Recap: Mr. and Mrs. The Goose

The morning after the Bachelor airs, I spend roughly six to eight delightful minutes chatting with radio personalities Jessica and Murphy over at Star 104 in Erie, PA

FYI: “Radio personalities” are the voices that come out of your car speakers when you punch that button that says FM/AM. It’s not artificial intelligence. These are not distant relatives of SIRI or ALEXA. They are real, breathing people.

Anyway, our conversation sizzled when I offered that last night’s episode was good. Jessica and Murphy balked, accurately stating that The Goose and Krystal’s wedding was a snooze fest. 

That is a true statement. But the stuff that went on around and during the wedding was GOLD.

Here Comes the Bride

The Goose and Krystal found love in Paradise. They owe all of their happiness to Our Host Chris Harrison. And if you want ABC to foot the bill for your humid wedding, you must invite the current cast of Paradise, and other infamous faces of the franchise, to make up eighty-percent of your wedding guests. 

Move over Uncle Al, Ashley I-Lashes and Jared need a front row seat for these nuptials. 

Seriously. I think Havana Nicole put it best when she said mingling during pre-wedding cocktails was like a class reunion with all the grades crashing the party. Tia was there, alone. Becca was there, alone. Raven and Adam were there to check out what The Goose and Krystal got in the “if you get engaged on TV” package. Hot Chase showed up with Man Bun BROOKS from Des’ season. The gang’s all here! 

The wedding was fine. There are only two details I want to point out to you.

1. All the girls applied the same bronzer, no matter what her skin color.

2. A guy named Matt Stell, sang “Pray For You” as Krystal walked down the aisle. I guess she had to draw the line someone when producers approached her with sample tracks of Jed’s music. That’s probably why Angela (Clay’s old girlfriend) was selected to be a bridesmaid. It was a compromise. 

Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Bride

Let me tell you, Angela looked incredible. And the way she sashayed down that aisle was a calculated walk she has been practicing for weeks. I have no idea if she knew Clay would have a Cuban woman clinging to him when he arrived, but she came prepared for battle. 

The side eye Clay gives her when she passes him was life changing. I will live off of the residual effects of this moment for days. 

Thank you, Bustle, for creating an entire article that captures Twitter’s reaction to this revenge walk!

Big thanks also goes out to the ABC Intern for being forward thinking enough to include a well-lit “conversation couch,” complete with fake greenery and fluffy pillows in case guests need to catch up, debrief, or make out. Angela and Clay gathered there to hammer out a few details of their breakup. Let the record show that Angela did NOT want to end this. That was Clay’s decision. Additionally, their one goal in life is to make sure the other one is happy. 

Interesting. No one is trying to make Havana Nicole happy. And the fact that Clay admits he will always have feelings for Angela doesn’t help things. Do you know what else doesn’t help? The moment Angela arrives in Paradise next week. 

I may have stood up. I also may have wished that she goes out on a date with Blake. Am I a horrible person?

All the Single Ladies

As we suspected, Dean dumps Caelyn on her birthday after handing her a rose. Why? Because he knows she does not want to live in a van down by the river. This woman needs certain amenities like an eyelash bar, a makeup mirror, and hot water. Plus, he’s not one who likes dinner parties or talking about squishy feelings. It’s best to end it now. Otherwise, she will fall further in love.

This sucks for Caelyn. Especially when she has to dress up to attend a wedding for people she couldn’t care less about. But when TALL CONNOR arrives with Hot Chase and Man Bun Brooks, all bets are off. She fluffs her hair, applies a fresh coat of gloss, and plasters on her best pageant smile as if to say, “Dean who?”

Y’all this is such a coincidence, but did you know that Caelyn has been wishing and hoping and thinking and praying about the day Tall Connor would come to Paradise? It’s so sad that he never did! And now she gets to meet him and completely lose herself in whatever he’s interested in. What luck! It’s too bad she only has tonight.

Wait for it…

We Are Family

The Goose and Krystal call everyone from Paradise over for a quick pow-wow, as one might do during a franchise wedding. He enthusiastically reminds them that Paradise is powerful and it is his hope that they too will one day find their significant other on the magical Mexican beaches. Then he invites a select group of folks to join him at “his table” during the after party. This includes Hannah, Dylan, Caelyn, Blake, Big Mike, Mother Russia, and Clay.

The rest of The Goose’s table rejects look around and wonder, “Are we still invited to the after party? We’re just sitting at a peripheral table, correct? They wouldn’t send us back to the beach as if we just lost a group date challenge, right?”

Oh, but they would. 

After a close up shot of a terrifying cake topper that is supposed to resemble The Goose and Krystal, we see that the after party (don’t you date call it a reception) is in full swing. Here’s what you need to know:

Hannah and Dylan are boring.

Blake tries to make a move on several women, but his Stagecoach reputation has spread like wildfire. Astrid (remember her?) suggests, “You should go home.” Ashley I-Lashes takes it one step further: “You should move to Europe.”

Big Mike is slowly losing his bid as the next bachelor, thanks to his normal ways. He did catch Clay in a horrendous Freudian slip when Clay called Angela “my girlfriend.” 

Kristina sets her eyes on Connor and chats with him on a couch that is not the official conversation couch. Through context clues and body language, I’d say that she was inviting him to pursue her. 

Caelyn takes matters into her own hands. She goes straight to the dance floor and asks Connor (who is flossing up a storm) to join her on the conversation couch. It is there where they admit that the other is super hot. Then they make out. 

For the fifth time that night, Caelyn tells the camera that it is so sad that Connor isn’t in Paradise. She only has this moment to cherish forever. 

This is when we knew, Hundo P, that Connor would be walking down into Paradise the next day. Which he did. And he asked Caelyn to go out on a date where they paint each other’s bodies and then dry hump on a canvas. The grey blob will forever immortalize their love for each other. 

Again, Dean who? 

Party Crashers

The most annoying part of the episode was John Paul Jones’ fight with Derek. In a nutshell, JPJ thinks that Derek’s motives for being in Paradise are questionable. He thinks Derek is there to promote his podcast and to pick up women AFTER the show airs. He wants to protect Tayshia from such nonsense.

So he cries about it to Blake. He whines about it to Demi, who immediately sticks up for Derek. He complains to Katie. He rudely brings it up to Tashia moments before Krystal walks down the aisle and then he yells at Derek at the post wedding/pre after party toast. Everyone can hear him. As a result, Tayshia breaks down and Krystal looks like she wants to scratch someone’s eyes out.

Which she can do. It’s her day, after all.

When John Paul Jones and Derek aren’t invited to the cool kids’ table, JPJ attacks Derek again at the Paradise bar. He thinks Derek is insulting his intelligence and interrupts Derek when he asks to please explain why he’s so mad. 

Why is he so mad? Because he loves Tayshia and he can see that she is into Derek. But Derek should have known that John Paul Jones likes Tayshia, even though he went out on two dates with Tahzjuan and The Twin. Duh. 

Although this doesn’t paint Derek in the best of light, my hope is that it’s all an over exaggeration and John Paul Jones is suffering from all the maladies that come from too much booze and boredom on a beach for three weeks. 

According to next week’s previews, someone does leave on his or her own accord. Fingers crossed that it’s Derek because he has to be fitted for the tuxedo he will be wearing in his Bachelor Season 24 promos.  

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Brenda Brady
Brenda Brady

Great reason for NOT allowing Bachelor Nation to do your wedding, unless you want it turned into a soap opera, focusing on the dramas among the guests (where was the bouncer to take out JPJ??) instead of on the bride and groom. If I was Krystal, I would be more ticked off at the Powers-that-Be who sat idly by, than at JPJ.

Libby
Libby

The cost of a free wedding I guess.

Rosa
Rosa

I loved JPJ Monday night and found him hysterical! Last night, I found him a different kind of hysterical. A crazy lost-your-marbles hysterical. Definitely showing his immaturity! Just wondering how man-bun Brooks is tied in with this group? His season was agggeeesss ago. I do love that we got to see all of these alum mixing it up at the wedding. The whole special table thing was weird! I guess it WAS their wedding and not an extension of the beach. Why was Wells not invited??

I’m wishing for Derek as the next Bachelor too! I don’t think I can *like* handle a *like* whole season of *like* Pete the *like* pilot as *like* the Bachelor. I just don’t get it. He seems way too young! Lastly, the interview of Caelynn completely covered in paint except for her eyes was priceless!! That needs to be a meme.

LORRAINE
LORRAINE

Well to JPJ defense… he has been looking for his Bride for a long time… So i guess he started on the playground! He is bonkers! His Meltdown was totally scripted… I just don’t understand why Tay Tay was in the corner crying.

Rosa
Rosa

Someone HAD to be in JPJ’s ear getting him all worked up over Tayshia!! It came out of nowhere!!

Jeet
Jeet

I heard the strange stag Bachelor/ette alumni that were at the wedding were there because they are on stand-by to possibly be called to walk down the stone steps in BIP. The producers probably didn’t know what else to do with this motley group who are twiddling their thumbs and waiting their turns at the hotel down the beach. My guess is any alumni who was there with a date was actually invited. The rest were just BIP hopefuls.

Christy
Christy

Lincee – did you catch Demi’s impersonations at the end of Connor, Kristina, and Caelyn? Hilarious!

LORRAINE
LORRAINE

Oh yes! That was the DEMI Highlight of the whole episode, she had a low key 2 hours up until that moment!

Sincethebeginning
Sincethebeginning

It was pure gold! I was talking to my daughter in that low growl-y voice the whole time, and she was looking at me like I was crazy…Demi confirmed everything I was hearing!!! And then Kristina’s accent was awesome!! But my absolute favorite was Caelynn’s “ok.” That was all she said! Bwahahahahahaha! I loved it!

Kathleen
Kathleen

Funniest thing of the entire franchise!

LORRAINE
LORRAINE

This recap is GOLDEN!!! So much better than the actual show! Love the references to Humid Wedding with 80% infamous faces! I needed name captions. The Clay Side Eye will make MeMe heaven for ages!

Table Rejects!! That was so funny!
And Why was Becca Alone??? Anybody got the scoop????

Lori in Tampa
Lori in Tampa

She said on her instagram story that he had a surprise birthday party for a friend that same weekend. She added that they are their own people and sometimes do their own thing. All is well with them.

Contrarian
Contrarian

My nominees for last night’s “the-less-talking-the-better” category are Tall Connor and Forlorn Clay — for different reasons. (Lincee said all that needed to be said about JPJ.)

I didn’t remember anything about TC, but the girls’ oohs and ahhs fed some high expectations — which lasted until he started to speak. Maybe it’s his youth and immaturity, but it was painful to listen to his half of the “conversation” with Endlessly-rebounding Caelyn. One numbing cliché after another, which didn’t seem to bother her in the least.

I like Clay. He seems like a decent guy, but what he had to say about the breakup that he apparently initiated was profoundly irritating. He took ownership of nothing, and instead adopted the victim rôle, whinging on about his pain and wanting the best for Angela. Not impressive.

I did smile at Dean’s apparent re-appearance next week, sans mustache. Yeah, that will make all the difference.

Demi’s show-closing imitations are the reason I still hope she sticks around.

LORRAINE
LORRAINE

Tall Connor’s moment of remembrance was he had a One On One Date with Hannah but she was sickly with a mystery illness to go out, so he had to sit and cuddle with her in her hotel bed, and when he left, some intern gave him a stack of post it notes, so he put them all up in the room like some sort of crazed stalker. Later on he pulled Hannah aside and she dumped him in the middle of a group date I think.

Contrarian
Contrarian

Ahh…thanks. I remember the Post-It® notes, which I thought at the time edged up to the line separating cute from creepy.

Kathleen
Kathleen

One numbing cliche after another!! So spot on! That’s exactly I was thinking. I also think he speaks in a lower tone than his voice really is. Something about it is really awkward to me.

Contrarian
Contrarian

That may have been his attempt to sound more mature and serious, but to me it just came across as ungainly and unschooled — just in a lower pitch.

islandchic
islandchic

Great recap as always, and chuckled all the way through it at my desk. But I really, really, really want to know is, does Derek have any other shirt other than that too tight blue one shown at the bottom of this page? He wears it EVERYWHERE!!!! Even at the wedding.

Cindy
Cindy

Two comments about the wedding.

1) it appeared there was no genuine emotion during the wedding including the bride and groom.

2) The “after party” table tops were decorated beautifully with gorgeous flowers, etc but the tables were the super cheesy fold out tables and no attempt was made to cover the underside of the tables so it looked rather hokey.

evangeline
evangeline

I noticed the none emotion in the wedding as well!

Lori in Tampa
Lori in Tampa

Wells has a podcast with Brandi Cyrus called “Your Favorite Things”. The last episode had Derek filling in for Brandi and it was very funny. Wells has always been hilarious to me but this showed that Derek also is pretty funny. I highly recommend listening. A lot of them have podcasts. I have listened to Dean’s with Jarod and Vanessa (Nick’s ex) and Dean seems pretty straight forward and honest. But mostly I enjoy the inside scoop on the Bachelor Franchise shows and that is why I listen to some of them.

Rosa
Rosa

I LOVE Wells so thanks for the tip! Derek also has one The Betchelors – just started listening today. Ben Higgins and Ashley I is one of my weekly listens. So many podcasts, so little time!

Kathleen
Kathleen

I always think the Bachelor wedding is a “fake” wedding and that they have a real one for their family and real friends at some point. I’m pretty sure of it actually.

Kelly
Kelly

I agree, and sincerely hope so!

Linda
Linda

Demi at the end was the best part of the episode. She is hysterical!! It was painful to listen to Connor talk. Cannot figure out the accent. Thank you Lincee for another great recap!

Mal
Mal

Lincee, I rarely comment but I live for your recaps. Thank you!

I just have one question: when is Chris Harrison going to be voted Sexiest Man Alive?! It’s about time.

Kate
Kate

I just realized why they picked who they picked for the “extra table”: Dylan and Hannah because they might be future Mr and Mrs, Kristina and Caelynn because they both expressed an interest in Connor, Clay for the Angela conversation (Tayshia to observe and report), Mike to possibly interest Angela and make Clay jealous, and Blake to be a sad sack!

Angela
Angela

I don’t know about your radio stations, but here in NC “Pray for You” is in regular rotation. I hear it every day on the way to or from work. In fact, I know most of the country artists that you think are random.

faninAZ
faninAZ

Ok, so many thoughts….

First, I LOVE Astrid and Kevin. LOVE. They are good people and an adorable couple and I hope they stay together.

I’m bummed that I totally missed Brooks! Didn’t recognize him. Why was he there?

Connor seems cool, but oh my word, his voice grates on my last nerve. He makes JPJ sound like a Harvard professor. Why the vocal fry? WHY? I couldn’t listen to that all day. As it is, I had to skip his Caelynn and Kristina convos to stay sane.

Also, JPJ made good arguments but he needs to learn how to communicate when he’s upset. Red flag for his future wife, right there. Imagine living with that temper – yikes!

Two episode gold nuggets Lincee didn’t mention::

JPJs farmer blow. Wow, I felt bad for him crying, but use a handkerchief… the one in your hand would work fine. I never thought I’d feel bad for Blake, but I did in that moment.

My girl Demi’s imitation of Connor and Caelynn at the end of the episode. She is pure hilarity – love that girl!