Pass the germ squirt

funny bachelor recap-Paradise Logo

I think the best way for us to get through Bachelor Paradise is for everyone to virtually hold hands and think happy thoughts. Our cast of characters were clearly chosen based on their extreme willingness to perpetuate drama, their seduction technique, those who rock a set of abs and/or those who maintain a general sense of douchbaggery.

A few years ago, I wrote some guidelines for Bachelor Pad contestants. I think the same rules apply to these crazies. Here’s my take on the situation.

Contestants are only allowed to pack either swimwear or underwear for the duration of the show. These rules are unflinchingly rigid. They will also be required to make out with at least two different people each episode. Gender is optional. Finally, females must cry at least once a day and men must pick verbal arguments with other males physically smaller in size or of questionable sexuality.

The plus side is that they get to sleep together in bunk beds in the same room! It’s just like Camp Longhorn, but different. Not only does the alcohol run freely, but ABC has made sure the following list of necessities will be available to make their stay as enjoyable as possible:

– Hot wax and brand new packages of BIC razors
– Baby oil
– Chlorine tablets strong enough to kill anything germ/sperm-related in the hot tub
– Cases of Binaca
– Dippity Do hair gel and Chi hair dryer
– Waterproof mascara
– Vaseline and Saran Wrap
– U2′s Joshua Tree CD case to hold your Cher Greatest Hits album
– An economy-size box of RID

About two months ago when the first half of the cast was announced, I took the liberty of sifting through the head shots, dug through all of my old archives and made a list so you don’t have to wrack your brain trying to remembered who you loved and who you loathed the first go around. (And in some cases, second, third, etc – I’m looking at you Michelle Money.)

Since the second group was released after Andi and Josh’s engagement that took place on a floating platform inspired by the kitchen tile my Mama installed in 1978, I’ve listed all of those participating in the debauchery for your convenience. This is the official cast list from the ABC website, but I have noticed some others who crashed the Paradise Party.

It’s going to be a hot mess and I couldn’t be more excited.

ROLL CALL!

funny bachelor recap-Brooks

Brooks
Season: Des
Why you remember him: You probably remember yelling, “RIP THE BAND-AID
 already you jack wagon!” because Brooks was the one who broke up with Des in the middle of paradise. Let’s re-live that moment together:

After seeking wise counsel from Chris Harrison, his mother and his sister, all mentors encouraged Brooks to just tell Des the truth. Make it quick. Know that she’s going to be hurt. Just do it and deal with the results. I appreciate the fact that he didn’t make Des go on the entire romantic date before dropping the bomb in the fantasy suite, but his decision to shower her with adoration for 20 minutes before getting to the “but” of his soliloquy was extremely painful. She was crying within seconds of his speech. She knew. Which made it even more weird when he asked, “WHY ARE YOU CRYING?”
 What a moron. I may have shouted at my TV. Des throws caution to the wind and answers, “Because I love you!” to which Brooks follows up with the head scratching inquiry, “Then why didn’t you tell me?” Dude. It’s the ONE RULE in Bachelor Nation. You’re not allowed to share your feelings!

funny bachelor recap-Chris

Chris
Season: Emily
Why you remember him:
How can you forget? I’ll let my archives speak for themselves.

Chris is a dill hole. Seriously. I couldn’t come up with a better title to describe last night’s bender into the soul-sucking depths of depravity. He’s immature and cocky and needs to stop being such a butt munch.

funny bachelor recap-Christy

Christy
Season: Juan Pablo
Why you remember her:
I’m still not sure she’s not a rando who was stuck in the mix to see if anyone was paying attention. With that said, there was a “Christy” that came up in my search. And this was all I got:

You’re familiar with Mute Christy’s boobs. And her cute white headband. I’m unsure if she ever spoke. You definitely confused her with the other bottled blond.

funny bachelor recap-Cody

Cody
Season: Andi
Why you remember him:
Oh Cody. I have a special place in my heart for this big guy. He sort of endeared himself to me this season, but I still think that if you hugged him, you’d have orange self tanner all over your clothes. Here was my first impression of C-Man:

Cody is the beefcake who pushed the limo into the driveway because he strong. He also wears several bracelets and shiny suits because he’s strong. His collar is popped on his suit jacket because he’s a chach. And he wears tight t-shirts so you can tell that he’s strong. Beefcake Cody negotiated a juicing and protein shake clause into his contract.

funny bachelor recap-Danielle

Danielle
Season: Juan Pablo
Why you remember her:
Do you think Danielle is passing out prescriptions yet?

I have high hopes that Danielle slipped a heavy dose of Lexapro into the going away swag bag of anyone leaving the ceremony without a rose. She could truly be loads of fun if they allowed her to wield a prescription pad with reckless abandon. At the very least, the girl deserves permanent dibs on a dark leather chair adjacent to a velvet couch.

funny bachelor recap-Jackie

Jackie
Season: Sean
Why you remember her:
Jackie had gorgeous red hair and was deemed the best kisser her season. She went on the dreadful two-on-one date with a sparkling Tierra. Remember?

This was a pretty rough date. Not only did Jackie draw the short stick, but she drew the lame horse. He wouldn’t trot. Tierra is up ahead galloping like the carefree girl on a tampon commercial and Jackie is stuck plodding along behind. She claims she’s not intimidated by Tierra at all. That may be true, but we all know she’s intimidated by Sean’s Mr. Rogers sweater. I know I am. Well, maybe not so much intimidated as bewildered by its existence.

funny bachelor recap-Kalon

Kalon
Season: Emily
Why you remember him:
Kalon is a luxury brand consultant. He may or may not be from Houston, but he definitely insulted Little Ricki.

Doug: “Last night…one of the guys…in the house…referred to Ricki…as baggage.”
Emily: “Who? WHO?”
Doug: “Kalon the luxury consultant. I asked him if it was true and he said it was.”

Pulling from the agendas of his previously attended anger management classes, he warns Emily that the worst reaction is a knee-jerk reaction. She smiles and Mama Bear comes out to play when she removes her leather jacket and promises to go all West Virginia, hood rat, back woods on his a$$, vowing that she will rip him of his limbs and then beat him with the luxury ends.

funny bachelor recap-Lucy

Lucy
Season: Juan Pablo
Why you remember her:
The Free Spirit will be topless by the first sunset. Mark my words.

According to the Free Spirit, hippies don’t wear shoes. They do wear a crown of roses in their hair and little to no makeup. Chances are Juan Pablo didn’t comment on how good she smelled. She flung her funky feet into his lap and laughed and giggled in all the right places. She skipped to the rose pedestal when her name was called and executed the perfect childlike pirouette back to her place in line. She’s going to be the villain this season. Had Bangs and Oklahoma not been massaging and melting down all over the place, I’m quite confident Free Spirit would have been awarded more air time.

funny bachelor recap-Marquel

Marquel
Season: Andi
Why you remember him:
Oh Marquel. I hope that cookie nickname doesn’t stick.

Marquel (clad in gingham) walked Andi through a dessert tasting session in which he presents a black and white cookie and good naturedly tells her that this one is his favorite. You giggled because Marquel is African-American and that was a pretty good icebreaker. Marquel has swag and was extremely fun and charming.

funny bachelor recap-Michelle

Michelle Money
Season: Brad 2.0
Why you remember her:
Michelle is vintage, old school, classic Bachelor franchise. She can turn on the waterworks faster than you can say, “He’s not here for the right reasons.” I’m not sure what’s going on in the picture above. Perhaps she just finished a play in which she was Pocahontas?

In breaking news, Michelle is irritated because it’s her birthday and there are 14 skanks trying to get up on her man. She drags Brad to a secluded area and begins her interrogation.

Michelle: “You have walls.”
Brad: “What? No I don’t. Where’s my football?”

Michelle: “I want to dissect you.”
Lincee: Or…she wants to cut you. Same difference.

funny bachelor recap-Tasos

Tasos
Season: Andi
Why you remember her:
I predict Tasos will be every girl’s best friend.

Tasos is by far the most unique of the bunch. He’s the one that did the lock and key thing during his exit and then drops a little Spanish and French on Andi. She eats it up. Tasos will be in the friend zone before we know it. Tasos was the farthest away from tone deaf, but even he hit some wonky notes at the end of his run that made Boyz II Men wince. Instead of making a wish, the audience should have closed their eyes and plugged their ears.

funny bachelor recap-Zack

Zack
Season: Des
Why you remember him:
You don’t remember this Zack because the other Zac stole his name and his thunder.

Zack wore a tux on top and Chucks on the bottom. I laughed when he told Des that he “hoped he would find her in there.” As if would get her confused with other tall, pretty girl wandering around in tin foil dresses with a rip on the train!

funny bachelor recap-Clare

Clare
Season: Juan Pablo

Why you remember her: She had the best runner-up exit EVER. Remember this?

Clare: This entire time, I’ve stuck around because I believed in you. The other night, you told me we would be having babies together so I believed in us. I’ve saved this moment for the man of my dreams. I thought that was you.

She stalks off the non-up-to-code stage, whipping around at the last second.

Clare: What you just made me go through, I would never want my children having a father like you.

Ouch. You’d think Juan Pablo would be hurt by that remark. Instead, he plasters a smirk on his face and says, “Woo. I’m glad I didn’t pick her.”

Mind blown. What a jack wagon.

funny bachelor recap-Elise

Elise
Season: Juan Pablo

Why you remember her: She had a hard time dancing with the super cool girl group 2NE1. Here’s how I described her moves:

Remember in the movie Hitch where Will Smith coached the King of Queens guy how to dance? “This is where you live. Right here. This is home. Elbows six inches from the waist. At 90-degree angles. Don’t you bite your lip!” That was Elise. But imagine a drink in her hand, sloshing around.

funny bachelor recap-Lacy

Lacy
Season: Juan Pablo

Why you remember her: Lacy is the one who worked at a nursing home. Here’s what I wrote about her entry and icebreaker on night one — the night she went home.

Lacy tells Juan Pablo that dating 25 girls can give anyone a headache. She hands Juan Pablo huge bottle of prescription medicine she swiped from poor Mr. Jones in room 4-D. He pops a pill and grins at her expectantly. Lacy insists on revealing that it’s not a REAL pill. It’s a hot tamale! He doesn’t seem impressed. His Madre makes the best tamales this side of the equator. Lacy further nails her own coffin by later presenting a jigsaw puzzle she made from a picture of him and his daughter janked off of Juan Pablo’s Instagram account. She had cleverly removed one of the corners and proclaimed that she was the missing piece in his life! Authorities were called in shortly thereafter and the restraining order papers were drawn up as a precaution.
Status: No Rose

funny bachelor recap-Ben

Ben
Season: Des

Why you remember him: Ben was the no one liked from Des’ season because he wasn’t there for the right reasons. This is an excerpt from his two-on-one date with the Federal Prosecutor:

Apparently, you can fashion a hot tub into a motorized boat and float around in the freezing cold with two people who loathe each other. SIGN ME UP! The Federal Prosecutor is determined to throw Ben under the hot tug. And he does so multiple times during the date. He calls him out for not communicating with his son and all Des can do is sip her hot broth and beg with her eyes that the camera man in the tethered hot tug will call it a day. Not to mention the fact that the bubbling hot tug sounds like a chorus of farts. Say I’m wrong. #SorryMama It was the opposite of romantic and now I have hives because I’m so uncomfortable.

At dinner, the layers of awkwardness continued to build on one another when Ben showed up in almost the exact same outfit as the Fed. Pink shirts, grey sweaters, grey slacks and looks of disgust. Upon the first clink of the feeble toast, The Prosecutor straight up asks Ben why he doesn’t get along with anyone else in the house? Des downs a few glasses of wine as Ben chooses his words as wisely as he can.

Des calls and audible and asks the boys what family traditions they want to have when they are married. Ben goes first and says that he wants Sunday to be a family day. The Fed responds with a harsh, “What about Easter? Why didn’t you go to church with the group? Did you even call your son on Easter?”

Des shoots an entire flute of champagne.
My armpits begin sweating and my butt clenches.
The Fed simultaneously maintains his gaze while eating with his mouth open.
Ben refrains from punching him in the face.

I considered the moment victorious for all of us.

funny bachelor recap-Robert

Robert
Season: Des

Why you remember him: He invented sign twirling. Read below:

Not only is Robert not much of a neck tie guy, but he also claims to have invented the art of sign spinning. That’s right. The dude who proudly stands on a corner outfitted in a Statue of Liberty costume who is dancing with a sign that says “WE’LL DO YOUR TAXES” got all his moves from good ole’ Rob and his LA-based business partners. Rumor has it that his group is also the brains behind running in place when you have to pee and the tear strip advertisements popular among babysitters and unqualified movers. His favorite mode of transportation is skateboard. I know what you’re thinking and the answer is no. He does not have the panache of a One F Jef, but he does have a One Eyed Dog and he definitely gets extra points for that.

funny bachelor recap-AshLee

AshLee
Season: Sean

Why you remember her: She was in loooooooooooove and never expected to be dumped by Sean Lowe. Allow me to take you back to their exotic date:

As AshLee gives a small, yet thorough dissertation about the wonder that is Sean, I become both distracted and obsessed with figuring out what her necklace says. It looks like “AshLee” and then I think it says “Respect” but then change my mind, convinced it says “Gypsy.” After several pauses of the DVR, one Google search and a few confirmations from those watching the show with me, I am happy to report that the necklace reads “gypset,” which is a made up word that roughly translates to: “having an unconventional and Bohemian approach to life.” I’ve learned that in order to be a gypset, you have to play the ukulele or accordion, prefer vacationing in a teepee, reject all forms of currency, drink absinthe and constantly wish you had been a young adult in the 70s.
From our viewpoint, it’s pretty much the opposite of what AshLee’s demeanor has been the entire show, but I have to give her props for embracing her nomadic motto by hanging on to the shoulders of her “adventurous” bachelor as they dog paddle their way through a scary cave.

Sean: “I just need to see if AshLee can let go of her fears and trust me. I really hope that she proves herself by letting me take control.”

My opinion? It’s kind of hard to trust you when you’re being a total jackhole, Sean. Perhaps you could give her a little encouragement that you’re not going to let rabid bats eat her face off? Or you’ll throw your body on top of her should a stalactite fall from above causing her eye socket to be impaled? PS: shouting an explicative when some unknown cave dweller brushes up against your leg does not promote an atmosphere of control and trust. She was definitely a bigger gypsetter than YOU.

It’s a good thing that private beach was so cool on the other side, or I would have had some words with our resident bachelor. Of course, this leads to many metaphors for their relationship. Just pick one that has to do with trust, taking risks, blah, blah, blah. AshLee begins monologging about Sean’s ability to make her feel whole, her love for this man and that two human beings couldn’t belong together more than they.

Preach it gypset!

At dinner, AshLee tells Sean for the hundredth time that they were made for each other and then she describes in great detail the exact engagement ring along with her finger size because she knows the visit to Uncle Neil will be in the next few days. Do you hear that? It’s the final nail being hammered into her coffin.

funny bachelor recap-Daniella

Daniella
Season:Sean

Why you remember her: You don’t. Neither did I. Apparently she was on the show. Here’s proof:

Daniella prefers a more juvenile approach to her first impression. She walks Sean through the intricacies of a complicated hand shake. Let the record show that she was the last limo to arrive at the mansion, which translates into about four cosmopolitans chased by three tequila shots. Due to her impaired hand/eye coordination, she and Sean rarely made a connection during the hand shake session. Ironically, some connection was eventually made because she received a rose.

funny bachelor recap-Sarah

Sarah
Season: Sean

Why you remember her: Great personality. All contestants seemed to love her. She’s the girl with one arm. But don’t feel sorry for her:

The familiar sound of a helicopter approaching results in all of our bachelorettes rushing outside to marvel at the wonder of aviation technology. Truly. It’s as if no one has ever heard of let alone seen a helicopter before. Sean hops out, greets the ladies, spots his date and steers her in the direction of the waiting mode of transportation by casually throwing his arm around her shoulder. Sarah gushes, knowing that by touching her there, he’s totally cool with the fact that she only has one arm.

Then the DOH! moment comes. Sarah is leaning in to Sean’s lap so she can see the beautiful smog of Los Angeles and Sean absent-mindedly goes in to caress her outer arm, which does not exist. He hits air right where her elbow should be and lands somewhere around her outer hip/butt region. He leaves it there as if that was his plan all along.

Smooth as silk, Sean — did Arie teach you that too?

The love birds land on a skyscraper where they are strapped into borrowed Downton Abbey girdles, made to wear dorky helmet cams and given the instruction to leap off the building where they will free fall for 35 floors. Think egg drop experiment you had to do in sixth grade physical science class. Except with people.
Please. How many times have we witnessed this date? As you may have guessed, taking the plunge is a bonding experience that gives them confidence in their budding relationship. Sean gives Sarah a rose even after she tells a sad story in her slow talking Valley Girl accent that she didn’t get to go zip lining one time with her dad because the law said disabled people weren’t allowed. Sean was mortified. She appreciated his distaste and said that she was glad to know that if he had been there, he would have stood up for her. Sean responded by using the words protect, guard and heart. My skin crawled a little bit as I feared he would run out and ruin that perfect chest by getting an S+S = love tattoo.

funny bachelor recap-Grahm

Graham
Season: DeAHnna and Bachelor Pad Season 2

Why you remember him: He’s hot. So hot, I used a normal shot instead of an official ABC shot. You should see his abs. Trust me. And you should follow him on Instagram. What was I saying? Oh yeah. Here’s a little behind-the-scenes 4-1-1 on Mr. Bunn from BP2:

Graham will undoubtedly go home with Harrison’s cell phone digits. Clearly, he is the winner of this silly competition.

AND

Aside from his attempts to woo Alli (who knows if they were genuine?) Graham was labeled as one of the “core four.” However, his one role in the show last night was to get Alli on their team. He may have spoken two sentences, but he looked really pretty doing it. And if he wins the money, he’ll go to third world countries and drill water wells for the villages. I heart him and I hope he is nice. He’s my junior varsity pick to Ames for winning it all with Stag in a close third.

funny bachelor recap-Michelle

Crazy Michelle
Season: Jake

Why you remember her: I had to dig deep people, and what I found wasn’t pretty. See for yourself:

Michelle sulks off to the corner of the rooftop and begins crying. Poor Jake sees her there and is forced to try and have a somewhat normal conversation.

Michelle: “I’m not over emotional or dramatic…even though I’ve been crying every time you see me. I’m the only person here for you Jake. I really, really, want a husband.”

Per direction of the ABC Psychotherapist, Jake speaks slowly and quietly as not to wake the other demons.

Jake: “I believe you.”

Michelle: “Remember I stressed out and packed my bags. I can’t continue on this journey if you are not feeling the same way as I do. Would it be awkward if I could kiss you to see if I can feel something?”

Jake looks at the ABC Psychotherapist and gets the go ahead. He reluctantly leans in for the kiss. Cold. Unemotional. Kiss. He pulls away.

Michelle: “You have to give me something more than that. What in the world? Why is your head down? LOOK ME IN THE EYES.”

The men with the straight jackets creep up a little closer.

Jake: “I’m ready for this night to be over. I just need to digest what I’m feeling.”

Michelle: “Well Jake. You leave me no choice. I can’t stay. I really want to stay because I feel that we have a connection. To spend this time with you and not be able to kiss you hurts me.”

Jake: “You said once that you would leave, but you didn’t. And now you’ve decided tonight that you want to go?”

Michelle: “If you want me to stay, I’ll stay.”

Jake: “I think it would be better if you did leave.”

BOOYAH!

And there you have it. It’s going to be a hot mess of a season, but I’ll be there every sultry step of the way. Will you?

Don’t make me face this alone.

 

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