Can I get a shot of Listerine over here?
Community kissing, fantasy suites, a few hundred f-bombs, a serenade by He Who Must Not Be Named and 10 minutes of “alone time” in the bathroom for the Weatherman.
Everyone raise your shot glass full of Listerine in order to prepare yourself for episode three of the Bachelor Pad.
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone on your Twitter account happens to personally know, sort of know, friends with the nephew/former classmate of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying New Moon on DVD or have a Jazzercize instructor that looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
I don’t know about you, but I’m loving the new format in which each episode begins with the contestants traipsing in from the glistening driveway where the rose ceremony has just taken place from the week before. Emotions are on overdrive. Feelings have been hurt. Gia asks Nikki to please pull the f-ing knife from her back. Natalie finally notices that she’s wearing a florescent pink tutu and gives herself fashion props for pulling it off and celebrates by finishing off Petyton and Gwen’s champagne. Angry Dave’s eyes bug out a little more than usual. Tenley, feeling the building tension that is about to explode around her, removes the bluebird from her shoulder and instructs him to ask the ABC intern to provide spoonfuls of sugar to everyone in order to help the big dose of bitter medicine go down.
Immediately, Gia decides that honesty is the best policy and announces to the group that her crew was going to vote f-ing Kip off because it wasn’t a fair game with all the couples. Then she outed Nikki as the f-ing traitor.
Nikki counters Gia. Big mistake. Doesn’t she realize that her Daddy and his Guido friends could have her sleepin’ with the fishes by dawn? Gia makes Nikki cry, makes Kovacs breathe a sigh of relief that he gave his balls to Elizabeth and bores Natalie so much that she gets up to go pass out somewhere soft during the crescendo of Gia’s speech.
Kovacs gets the okay from Elizabeth to tell the viewing audience that Gia is officially on the chopping block. Gia knows that the only way she can stay is to win the next competition.
All the Bachelor Pad Contestants Sitting in a Tree…
Providing evidence of the old adage that “real men wear pink,” Our Host Chris Harrison clocks in his first 30-minute stint, promising himself that he will stick around until the Weatherman both gives and receives this challenge. Then it’s off to a luxury resort hotel in Santa Monica for tanning and a light workout on the beach in prep for Sunday’s 62nd Primetime Emmy Awards where he will be hosting the red carpet for TV Guide and secretly hoping his drinking buddy Jeff Probst will win in the reality hosting category.
OHCH: “Good morning. As you know, on this show everybody has a chance to find love. And win money. Nobody here is safe unless you have a rose. Did everyone brush and rinse this morning?”
Melissa: “WE ARE GOING TO HAVE A KISSING COMPETITION!”
OHCH: “Dude. That was my favorite part.”
Melissa: “Sorry. Okay everyone. Here’s how it goes. The girls get blind folded and then are kissed by every guy. Then they vote on the best kiss. The guy with the most votes wins! Then we switch and the guys get blind folded and they vote. Everyone got it? Who needs a breath mint?”
Gia immediately begins f-ing crying. In case you didn’t know, she has an f-ing boyfriend. But she is willing to do this because she has to win the competition to stay safe.
Angry Dave begins doing some weird tongue exercises.
Weatherman asks the ABC intern to find him an apple crate.
Tenley squirts some Febreeze on her tank top to mask the smell of woodland creature.
Natalie tells the camera that she’d make out with all the boys, including the crew, for 20 bucks.
That sounds about right.
A few moments later, Gia shares with the girls: “I have a f-ing boyfriend at home that I have to worry about. There’s huge f-ing target on my back. This isn’t fair.” Then she dissolves into f-ing tears.
Natalie: “Why would her boyfriend be pissed off? She knew she was coming on a show that would have romantic competitions. It’s completely fair. Just get over it and make out.”
The honesty is refreshing, no?
Melissa escorts Elizabeth to the courtyard. She admits that she is excited to kiss all of the boys except the Weatherman. Wes is the first to step up. She’s startled when he grabs her face, then he lays one on her. She “mmmmm’s” him the entire time. Next up is Crazy Dave. She is startled again. She “mmmmm’s” him too.
In fact, Elizabeth is startled every time and makes hungry noises with each kiss. She admits she had sparks with number four (Kovacs) and that her chills were multiplying.
But then number five moved forward, put his apple crate down and stepped up to meet this challenge head on…face to face…lip to lip.
Cue the awkward oboe music.
Poor Weatherman. We remember his lack of skill during Ali’s season when he was forced to make out with her in a library on camera. As you recall, he uttered some sort of animal noise before landing somewhere near her jaw line. I have to admit that this attempt was better.
Poor Peyton and Gwen get a short montage of boring video. Story of their lives. Gia gets little peck kisses from guys 3-6 because she jerked her head away from Wes and Angry Dave. And Ashley is up next.
Who’s Ashley? I know. I forget too. She was the one during Jake’s season who wore a stewardess costume. Remember that? She sauntered around with a martini in her hand and an ABC modesty patch on her nether regions because her private runway was showing most of the night? Sweet, innocent Ashley decides that she is going to pull herself from the competition because she doesn’t want to lose the respect of her students.
Honey. That line has already been crossed. I’d be willing to bet Natalie’s 20 bucks that your students have already created a drinking game in your honor. The stoner kid in your fourth period class has you streaking through the quad by episode four. You are so far away from the line that it is a dot to you my friend.
Natalie, Nikki and Krisily agree that number two was wonderful. Natalie said he was aggressive and that’s the way she likes it. Nikki said that he had the best approach and Krisily wants to marry the man on the other side of those lips.
Tenley asks Our Host Chris Harrison if she could lay down and pretend she was asleep for her kiss. He asks if she would rather prick her finger on a spinning wheel first. She thinks about it, notices his cocked eyebrow and realizes he is just being silly ole Harrison. She giggles and laughs through the entire process. I think she was nervous because some of the boys stuck their tongue in her mouth.
Tenley: “It was so strange. Two kisses go by and I don’t even remember them. But then—number three—he grabbed me and he kissed me good. Then I found out that number three was Kip! It was our first kiss and I remembered it! We will be married in front of everyone in the land as soon as he finds my glass slipper.”
Next up are the boys.
Jesse B. is first. Tenley gives it her all. Natalie goes for broke. Gia gives a small little peck. Peyton is gentle. Krisily uses a lot of tongue. And Elizabeth attacks and makes that hungry noise again.
Almost immediately, Gia gets weirded out by seeing Elizabeth unhinge her jaw and swallow Jesse whole. She had no idea that everyone would turn into f-ing porn stars during this challenge. She heads over to Our Host and says that she wants to drop out of the competition.
Harrison puts his Ph.D. in Psychology he earned online from the University of Phoenix to good use by first and foremost listening with somewhat of a sincere interest. He pats Gia on the head, instructs her to grab a Kleenex and sends the camera in to shoot her sobbing on Wes Hayden’s bunk bed.
Cue the oboe music because here comes the Weatherman.
Tenley, Nikki, Gwen, Peyton and Krisily keep it simple. Natalie envisions Crazy Dave (Weatherman does the same) and begins licking every inch of Weatherman’s face. It lasts so long that Harrison has to “thank” Natalie for her time. She wipes the spit from her face, confident that she just put the MAN in Weatherman. Elizabeth takes a different approach…one of a lap dancer…and rubs all over him as she makes out. A confused Weatherman requests some alone time with nothing but a Maxim and Sports Illustrated. He has some thinking to do.
Next up is Wes Hayden.
Wes: “I’m a gramophone. It makes me sick just thinking about kissing all those girls. The first one was sloppy. The second was violent. Seven was nice and gentle. And dry. I don’t like when they go in for the kill and attack. It doesn’t turn me on in the slightest. Unless I’m hammered.”
My thoughts exactly.
Harrison announces that Crazy Dave and Peyton were the best kissers in the house. Dave is, of course, not surprised by this news. And Peyton is thrilled that her gentle strategy has kept her safe from elimination.
Almost immediately, Tenley hears the doorbell chime and rushes to the front door expecting someone from the royal court with an invitation to the ball. Alas, it is the date card. She leaves the podium in the front yard and dances back into the living room, careful to not trip over the sweet chipmunks at her feet, and delivers the card to Crazy Dave.
Group Date One
What Happens in Vegas, Stays in Vegas
ABC finally decides to spend a little cash and send these “winners” on a real date. Even though they’ve scored a private jet and resort, Natalie says that going to Vegas with Nikki is like going with your grandma. But she is bound and determined to have a good time no matter what. Grace, dignity and swimsuit tops…BE GONE! This is the Bachelor Pad and she is going to do whatever or whoever she has to do to win.
Crazy Dave takes the girls to a new club at the Mirage called Bare. It’s topless. Any guesses on who doesn’t have a problem with this development?
Nikki looks like she would rather be anywhere else but in Vegas. Her boobs tell a different story. They look right at home. Krisily confesses, again, her love for Crazy Dave’s kisses and hopes that there is another one in the near future. Dave just wants to get the two duds to commit to the Plastics so he can get down and dirty with Tits McGee who has now taken to bounding from poolside lawn chair to poolside lawn chair with reckless abandon.
Dave: “Is she drunk already?”
Krisily: “Maybe. A little bit.”
Stay classy Natalie.
Naturally, David is a bit distracted and Krisily is slowly missing her chance to seduce him into kissing her again. He asks Krisily to join him in the hot tub with Tits and Nikki. Then they group hug. Awkward.
Our next stop is a posh penthouse. Nikki is wearing a serious turquoise necklace to accentuate her boobs. And what is this? Krisily is busting out too! The ladies have come to play! Within seconds of arriving, Crazy Dave spots a card with his name on it. It’s that time. He must choose who stays…and who goes IMMEDIATELY.
Crazy Dave had Nikki and Krisily in the back of the limo before they could hear Natalie suggest they have a pillow fight in their underwear. Apparently, what happens in Vegas…doesn’t include Nikki and Krisily.
Dave tells the camera that he and Natalie have never crossed the friendship line. But he felt there was heat during the kissing contest. As if sent by Chris Harrison himself, a waiter brings a secret note. Low and behold, it’s a forego card! Should they choose to forego their individual suites, they are welcome to stay as a couple…
And then they were gone. The camera guy caught about 14 seconds of horizontal mambo before Crazy Dave gets up and shuts the door in our face.
For those of you playing your own version of Fantasy Bachelor Pad, I’m going to go ahead and assume that lines were crossed and things were taken to the next level with these two. Congrats on those who had Natalie putting out on week three!
The next morning, Natalie bounds in the kitchen with Dave closely following looking a lot like Kevin Federline: the Britney Years. Natalie immediately tells the camera that she and Dave are a couple but are going to keep it to themselves. This will quickly unravel the moment Natalie gets drunk enough and announces the union to whomever is holding her hair back while she’s throwing up. And I would be willing to bet that Dave shares the news with his bromance buddies sooner rather than later.
Group Date Two
Gentlemen…Start Your Engines
Peyton makes an interesting choice in her date selections. She admits that picking sides didn’t get her anywhere the week before and has decided that she’s just going to have an awesome time with the other girls’ boy toys.
Tenley is upset that Peyton picked her Prince Charming to accompany her to the ball. She decides that it’s time to spice things up and surprise Kip with some spontaneous cuddling. She wiggles her way into his bunk bed and begins whispering in baby talk, “Does it bother you if I lay here?”
Kip: “I woke up to find Tenley in my bed. But it puts a target on my back. I’m trying to be a bit refrained. I don’t want to put fuel on the fire. Besides, it creeps me out that that at any time, a baby deer, floppy ear bunny or bluebirds may show up at any time. And it doesn’t seem to bother her! That’s just weird!”
Tenley gets a clue and melts out of Kip’s bed with a forlorn look on her face. Even the woodland creatures can’t cheer her up. Natalie finds her scrubbing the floors and singing to the bubbles and asks her what’s up. She admits that she put herself out there to Kip but was rejected. She now knows what it feels like to be an ugly step sister.
Back inside, Peyton is excited to have some fun with the boys. They arrive at a drag strip and the testosterone level jumps as Peyton explains that they will be driving and eating tacos from a stand-alone cart in the parking lot. Awesome!
Kovacs wonders if he’ll say something inappropriate that will get back to Elizabeth. Kip is sad that he hurt Tenley’s feelings. And Jesse B. is getting nostalgic because this drag strip looks a little like the one back home in Peculiar.
Peyton gets a taco with Kip and asks him what’s the deal with Tenley.
Kip: “We are not dating.”
Peyton: “Funny. She thinks you are practically married. I need to know where you stand.”
Kip: “I don’t think we would gel. Everyone thinks we are together, so it really doesn’t matter. I’m glad you took the time to bring me out here and get to know me better.”
Later, Peyton shares some awesome champagne with Kovacs on the hood of the drag strip car. She knows he has an in with the Plastic guys and would be a great person to have on your side. If his balls were attached, with they are not. They clearly reside in a Mason jar beside Elizabeth’s bunk bed. Totally awesome.
Finally, she shares a picnic with Jesse Beck who tells her she is an awesome chick. Finally! Someone who speaks Peyton’s language! Awesome is totally waaaayyy better than rad Natalie or cool Gia.
Jesse: “Natalie was so welcoming. She was giving me attention. She’s not the kind of girl I’m looking for. Not even a little bit. I want someone who I can have fun with. How do you feel about taking your top off?”
Peyton: “Won’t Natalie be jealous of this situation?”
Jesse: “I’m not worried about it. I don’t want you to catch heat for it. If you’re up for it, I am.”
They make out on the grass while Kip and Kovacs cry in their nachos that they are again in danger of getting kicked off if they don’t get the date rose.
Peyton: “Guys. This night has been totally awesome. Kip…you are awesome. Kovacs…I think you are awesome. But the awesomest of all is Jesse Beck and he gets the rose. Now let’s burn rubber and get out of here!”
Speaking of rubber, Jesse Beck is so irritated that he snagged a few from Natalie’s bag before he left, but there is no overnight fantasy date. What a waste.
But alas! Harrison did not let Jesse Beck down! As the quartet reach the front door, there…sitting on a podium…is a forego card date with Peyton’s name on it. Her eyes grow Crazy Dave big as she decides if she should spend the night together in the makeshift fantasy suite (guest bedroom) with Jesse B.
She thinks it will be fun and Jesse leads her up the stairs through the daunting leather fringe barrier that keeps the riff raff away.
Peyton says he’s beautiful and she wants to snuggle. Jesse says she’s a great kisser and then slams the door in our face. Fortunately for the pervs in the audience, ABC has a secret camera and we see movement under the Bed Bath and Beyond duvet the ABC intern got on sale.
In an attempt to regain his manhood, Kovacs has a serious discussion with Elizabeth.
Kovacs: “From day one, I’ve been at a huge disadvantage. I’ve tried to make it up to other people, but it’s just not working.”
Elizabeth: “There’s a small part of me that likes that you are struggling.”
Kovacs: “Is there even a slight possibility that you can be consistent in this game?”
Elizabeth: “Yeah. Kiss my a$$ on elimination days and you are golden.”
Then she cackles like a crazy psycho person as Kovacs hums Helen Reddy’s 1987 feminist anthem “I Am Woman.”
On the other side of the pool, Gia is putting all her money on Wes Hayden to win the entire show.
Gia: “I want you to be the last f-ing guy here. Whatever you awe doing, just keep f-ing doing it.”
Wes: “That would give us enough money to have a nice vacation.”
Gia: “I’m out Wes Hayden. There ain’t no f-ing stopping it.”
Wes: “Even though we are not together, it’s nice to wake up and see you. I’m going to make sure someone else goes home.”
Gia: “You awe the sweetest.”
Enter guitar. Lord help me get through this.
With one strum of the G chord, my body begins convulsing with flashbacks of the 80 million times we heard this Chihuahuan anthem each week during Jillian’s season. Just as they are saying that love don’t come easy, the camera pans Gia’s face and she is eating it up. With a shovel.
Gia: “When I heeyah someone like Wes sing that sawng and see the passion in his eyes and how real he is and putting his heart out for the world to see? That f-ing touches me and makes me very vulnerable.”
Verse two. My eyes have begun to twitch.
Gia: “I’ve never heard a sawng where I listened to the lyrics and actually related. I look at this boy and wonder how he could write something so beautiful.”
Now my ears are bleeding.
Gia: “I’ve never met a person like that boy. He’s so f-ing talented. He’s like a mawdern day Shakespeayah…but hotter and better.”
I weep for the young people of this world.
Determined to keep Gia under his spell, Wes begins his campaign to break up the couples. He encourages Gia to convince Kip that he needs to vote Elizabeth off of the island. Gia summons her best baby talk voice…the one that gets her out of all the sticky situations with her father and his Guidos…and tells Kip that it wasn’t personal when she conspired to get him kicked off last week.
Our Host Chris Harrison, looking about one step below awesome, glides into the room to remind people to vote. He stirs up no drama this week and we are all a little sad.
The Plastics soon realize that Wes is trying to break them up. They are all ticked off because they haven’t done ANYTHING to him. Guess whose bunk is getting short sheeted tonight?
Elizabeth soon finds out that it is between her and Gia. She knows that if there is a tie, Crazy Dave (who holds the date rose) will vote for her to stay. Wes continues his strategy to get Elizabeth kicked off and tries to convince Crazy Dave that Kovacs is gone next week for sure. Dave exercises the skills he learned in his ABC-mandated anger management class he took after Jillian’s season, breathes in and out and chooses to walk away from Wes instead of punching him in the throat.
ABC tries to make us think that Kip is having a difficult time with being the swing vote as he looks at both Gia and Elizabeth’s pictures in the Pier One bureau room.
Before Harrison barks out the remaining contestants, Gia points to her eye, her boob and then to Wes. She’s the only one who doesn’t look like she’s about to freeze. Melissa Rycroft is feeling good too, because the top of her gown was made out of Muppet hair. I hear they are pretty warm.
Roses go to:
Harrison announces to the group that there is a tie between Elizabeth and Gia. Crazy Dave must choose the name of the woman he wants to SAVE in front of everyone.
Crazy Dave: “I was raised to think life is not always fair. It’s not fair that I’m in this position. I choose to keep Elizabeth around.”
No one notices the Weatherman high fiving Harrison and getting into the limo. Gia is telling everyone goodbye and tries to untangle herself from a Wes Hayden death grip. She calls him a sweethawt and tells him she loves him. Then she takes the target off her back and places it directly on his.
In scenes from next week, it looks as if we have a rousing game of TELL THE TRUTH that has all the girls in tears.
Of course, I can’t wait.
And if any of you are interested in the Fantasy Bachelor Pad rules, two of our IHGB readers have suggestions for you! Check out this link from Lindsay or the rules below from Ben.
All about the shame, not the fame,
1. Each person wanting to play shows up and places his/her name in a hat.
2. The names are drawn to determine draft order (e.g. 1. Andrew 2. Courtney 3. Betsy and so forth).
3. In that order, we chose remaining contestants on the show and they become our “players” for the entire season.
4. Once we have our players (it will be an even number, those left over won’t be on anyone’s team), we will keep score with our players based on the players’ score on the show – so the object is to draft (select) the strongest cast member for your team.
5. Scoring will go like this:
If your cast member:
a. Wins the initial challenge – 7 pts
b. Is selected to go on the date – 3 pts.
c. Gets the rose while on the date – 4 pts.
d. Avoids elimination (isn’t voted off) 1 pt
e. Is kicked off the show for fighting, drugs or excessive drinking 5 pts.
g. Has confirmed (i.e. admits it on the show while on the show) sexual intercourse with another cast member 4 pts.
h. Advances to the final four – 5 pts
i. Advances to the final two – 6 pts
j. Wins the whole thing – 8 pts.
k. Rides in a helicopter at any time – 2 pts.
l. Attends a concert or musical performance with a burnt out band/singer shamelessly pushed by ABC/Disney – 1 pt
m. Exposes genitals or breasts (females only) intentionally – 1 pt per exposure event