It’s been a big week for Bachelor posts. After double dipping two Bachelorette episodes this week, ABC decides to announce the cast of Bachelor in Paradise.

From what I can gather using context clues, the show is going to basically be a tropical version of Bachelor Pad. Rejects from previous seasons get a second chance to find love among a select pool of franchise alumni. The contestants will be forced to wear nothing but swim attire and the alcohol will be flowing freely. It’s the perfect place, and environment, to fall in love.

When I sifted through the head shots of Paradise peeps, I honestly didn’t remember half of them. And since I’m a diligent writer, I took some time to dig through my old archives so you don’t have to wrack your brain trying to remember why you loved or loathed that person the first go around.

ROLL CALL!

Clare
Season: Juan Pablo
Why you remember her: She had the best runner-up exit EVER. Remember this?

Clare: This entire time, I’ve stuck around because I believed in you. The other night, you told me we would be having babies together so I believed in us. I’ve saved this moment for the man of my dreams. I thought that was you.

She stalks off the non-up-to-code stage, whipping around at the last second.

Clare: What you just made me go through, I would never want my children having a father like you.

Ouch. You’d think Juan Pablo would be hurt by that remark. Instead, he plasters a smirk on his face and says, “Woo. I’m glad I didn’t pick her.”

Mind blown. What a jack wagon.

Elise
Season: Juan Pablo
Why you remember her: She had a hard time dancing with the super cool girl group 2NE1. Here’s how I described her moves:

Remember in the movie Hitch where Will Smith coached the King of Queens guy how to dance? “This is where you live. Right here. This is home. Elbows six inches from the waist. At 90-degree angles. Don’t you bite your lip!” That was Elise. But imagine a drink in her hand, sloshing around.

Lacy
Season: Juan Pablo
Why you remember her: Lacy is the one who worked at a nursing home. Here’s what I wrote about her entry and icebreaker on night one — the night she went home.

Lacy tells Juan Pablo that dating 25 girls can give anyone a headache. She hands Juan Pablo huge bottle of prescription medicine she swiped from poor Mr. Jones in room 4-D. He pops a pill and grins at her expectantly. Lacy insists on revealing that it’s not a REAL pill. It’s a hot tamale! He doesn’t seem impressed. His Madre makes the best tamales this side of the equator. Lacy further nails her own coffin by later presenting a jigsaw puzzle she made from a picture of him and his daughter janked off of Juan Pablo’s Instagram account. She had cleverly removed one of the corners and proclaimed that she was the missing piece in his life! Authorities were called in shortly thereafter and the restraining order papers were drawn up as a precaution.
Status: No Rose

Ben
Season: Des
Why you remember him: Ben was the no one liked from Des’ season because he wasn’t there for the right reasons. This is an excerpt from his two-on-one date with the Federal Prosecutor:

Apparently, you can fashion a hot tub into a motorized boat and float around in the freezing cold with two people who loathe each other. SIGN ME UP! The Federal Prosecutor is determined to throw Ben under the hot tug. And he does so multiple times during the date. He calls him out for not communicating with his son and all Des can do is sip her hot broth and beg with her eyes that the camera man in the tethered hot tug will call it a day. Not to mention the fact that the bubbling hot tug sounds like a chorus of farts. Say I’m wrong. #SorryMama It was the opposite of romantic and now I have hives because I’m so uncomfortable.

At dinner, the layers of awkwardness continued to build on one another when Ben showed up in almost the exact same outfit as the Fed. Pink shirts, grey sweaters, grey slacks and looks of disgust. Upon the first clink of the feeble toast, The Prosecutor straight up asks Ben why he doesn’t get along with anyone else in the house? Des downs a few glasses of wine as Ben chooses his words as wisely as he can.

Des calls and audible and asks the boys what family traditions they want to have when they are married. Ben goes first and says that he wants Sunday to be a family day. The Fed responds with a harsh, “What about Easter? Why didn’t you go to church with the group? Did you even call your son on Easter?”

Des shoots an entire flute of champagne.
My armpits begin sweating and my butt clenches.
The Fed simultaneously maintains his gaze while eating with his mouth open.
Ben refrains from punching him in the face.

I considered the moment victorious for all of us.

Robert
Season: Des
Why you remember him: He invented sign twirling. Read below:

Not only is Robert not much of a neck tie guy, but he also claims to have invented the art of sign spinning. That’s right. The dude who proudly stands on a corner outfitted in a Statue of Liberty costume who is dancing with a sign that says “WE’LL DO YOUR TAXES” got all his moves from good ole’ Rob and his LA-based business partners. Rumor has it that his group is also the brains behind running in place when you have to pee and the tear strip advertisements popular among babysitters and unqualified movers. His favorite mode of transportation is skateboard. I know what you’re thinking and the answer is no. He does not have the panache of a One F Jef, but he does have a One Eyed Dog and he definitely gets extra points for that.

AshLee
Season: Sean
Why you remember her: She was in loooooooooooove and never expected to be dumped by Sean Lowe. Allow me to take you back to their exotic date:

As AshLee gives a small, yet thorough dissertation about the wonder that is Sean, I become both distracted and obsessed with figuring out what her necklace says. It looks like “AshLee” and then I think it says “Respect” but then change my mind, convinced it says “Gypsy.” After several pauses of the DVR, one Google search and a few confirmations from those watching the show with me, I am happy to report that the necklace reads “gypset,” which is a made up word that roughly translates to: “having an unconventional and Bohemian approach to life.” I’ve learned that in order to be a gypset, you have to play the ukulele or accordion, prefer vacationing in a teepee, reject all forms of currency, drink absinthe and constantly wish you had been a young adult in the 70s.
From our viewpoint, it’s pretty much the opposite of what AshLee’s demeanor has been the entire show, but I have to give her props for embracing her nomadic motto by hanging on to the shoulders of her “adventurous” bachelor as they dog paddle their way through a scary cave.

Sean: “I just need to see if AshLee can let go of her fears and trust me. I really hope that she proves herself by letting me take control.”

My opinion? It’s kind of hard to trust you when you’re being a total jackhole, Sean. Perhaps you could give her a little encouragement that you’re not going to let rabid bats eat her face off? Or you’ll throw your body on top of her should a stalactite fall from above causing her eye socket to be impaled? PS: shouting an explicative when some unknown cave dweller brushes up against your leg does not promote an atmosphere of control and trust. She was definitely a bigger gypsetter than YOU.

It’s a good thing that private beach was so cool on the other side, or I would have had some words with our resident bachelor. Of course, this leads to many metaphors for their relationship. Just pick one that has to do with trust, taking risks, blah, blah, blah. AshLee begins monologging about Sean’s ability to make her feel whole, her love for this man and that two human beings couldn’t belong together more than they.

Preach it gypset!

At dinner, AshLee tells Sean for the hundredth time that they were made for each other and then she describes in great detail the exact engagement ring along with her finger size because she knows the visit to Uncle Neil will be in the next few days. Do you hear that? It’s the final nail being hammered into her coffin.

Daniella
Season:Sean
Why you remember her: You don’t. Neither did I. Apparently she was on the show. Here’s proof:

Daniella prefers a more juvenile approach to her first impression. She walks Sean through the intricacies of a complicated hand shake. Let the record show that she was the last limo to arrive at the mansion, which translates into about four cosmopolitans chased by three tequila shots. Due to her impaired hand/eye coordination, she and Sean rarely made a connection during the hand shake session. Ironically, some connection was eventually made because she received a rose.

Sarah
Season: Sean
Why you remember her: Great personality. All contestants seemed to love her. She’s the girl with one arm. But don’t feel sorry for her:

The familiar sound of a helicopter approaching results in all of our bachelorettes rushing outside to marvel at the wonder of aviation technology. Truly. It’s as if no one has ever heard of let alone seen a helicopter before. Sean hops out, greets the ladies, spots his date and steers her in the direction of the waiting mode of transportation by casually throwing his arm around her shoulder. Sarah gushes, knowing that by touching her there, he’s totally cool with the fact that she only has one arm.

Then the DOH! moment comes. Sarah is leaning in to Sean’s lap so she can see the beautiful smog of Los Angeles and Sean absent-mindedly goes in to caress her outer arm, which does not exist. He hits air right where her elbow should be and lands somewhere around her outer hip/butt region. He leaves it there as if that was his plan all along.

Smooth as silk, Sean — did Arie teach you that too?

The love birds land on a skyscraper where they are strapped into borrowed Downton Abbey girdles, made to wear dorky helmet cams and given the instruction to leap off the building where they will free fall for 35 floors. Think egg drop experiment you had to do in sixth grade physical science class. Except with people.
Please. How many times have we witnessed this date? As you may have guessed, taking the plunge is a bonding experience that gives them confidence in their budding relationship. Sean gives Sarah a rose even after she tells a sad story in her slow talking Valley Girl accent that she didn’t get to go zip lining one time with her dad because the law said disabled people weren’t allowed. Sean was mortified. She appreciated his distaste and said that she was glad to know that if he had been there, he would have stood up for her. Sean responded by using the words protect, guard and heart. My skin crawled a little bit as I feared he would run out and ruin that perfect chest by getting an S+S = love tattoo.

Graham
Season: DeAHnna and Bachelor Pad Season 2
Why you remember him: He’s hot. So hot, I used a normal shot instead of an official ABC shot. You should see his abs. Trust me. And you should follow him on Instagram. What was I saying? Oh yeah. Here’s a little behind-the-scenes 4-1-1 on Mr. Bunn from BP2:

Graham will undoubtedly go home with Harrison’s cell phone digits. Clearly, he is the winner of this silly competition.

AND

Aside from his attempts to woo Alli (who knows if they were genuine?) Graham was labeled as one of the “core four.” However, his one role in the show last night was to get Alli on their team. He may have spoken two sentences, but he looked really pretty doing it. And if he wins the money, he’ll go to third world countries and drill water wells for the villages. I heart him and I hope he is nice. He’s my junior varsity pick to Ames for winning it all with Stag in a close third.

Crazy Michelle
Season: Jake
Why you remember her: I had to dig deep people, and what I found wasn’t pretty. See for yourself:

Michelle sulks off to the corner of the rooftop and begins crying. Poor Jake sees her there and is forced to try and have a somewhat normal conversation.

Michelle: “I’m not over emotional or dramatic…even though I’ve been crying every time you see me. I’m the only person here for you Jake. I really, really, want a husband.”

Per direction of the ABC Psychotherapist, Jake speaks slowly and quietly as not to wake the other demons.

Jake: “I believe you.”

Michelle: “Remember I stressed out and packed my bags. I can’t continue on this journey if you are not feeling the same way as I do. Would it be awkward if I could kiss you to see if I can feel something?”

Jake looks at the ABC Psychotherapist and gets the go ahead. He reluctantly leans in for the kiss. Cold. Unemotional. Kiss. He pulls away.

Michelle: “You have to give me something more than that. What in the world? Why is your head down? LOOK ME IN THE EYES.”

The men with the straight jackets creep up a little closer.

Jake: “I’m ready for this night to be over. I just need to digest what I’m feeling.”

Michelle: “Well Jake. You leave me no choice. I can’t stay. I really want to stay because I feel that we have a connection. To spend this time with you and not be able to kiss you hurts me.”

Jake: “You said once that you would leave, but you didn’t. And now you’ve decided tonight that you want to go?”

Michelle: “If you want me to stay, I’ll stay.”

Jake: “I think it would be better if you did leave.”

BOOYAH!

ABC also announced that not one, not two but THREE contestants from Andi’s season will hop from one journey to another to see if a tropical island is a better place to find love than Connecticut. Who do you think it will be? Which one has a career that most likely will be totally cool with him taking off another couple of months to hook up with randoms find his soul mate? Let’s start a discussion in the comment section!

My money is on Josh, Marquel and Beefcake Cody.