iHateGreenBeans

Right away, this episode was off for me. Did you feel it too? Our Host Chris Harrison was missing. It’s just plain weird for Jake to introduce the rules of this week’s dates. It should be Hare telling us that there are going to be three one-on-one dates and one two-on-one date. It felt off. It felt wrong.

I implore you ABC producers. Listen to reason. The world needs more Chris Harrison.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closer friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this amusing mockery and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee did?” However, if you or someone on your Facebook page happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying leftover Christmas candy or have a Bikram Yoga instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

After a bunch of squealing and shrieking at their hotel suites in San Francisco, Jake leaves the first date card with the ladies. In true Captain Obvious fashion, he hands it to the girl who will be going on the date and then promptly tells them to wait until he’s out of the room before opening the card.

First One-On-One
Tenley
Let’s Get Our Love on Track in San Francisco

Tenley jumps up and down like a little girl on Christmas morning. Since Ali is from San Francisco and knows everything there is to know about her home town, she deduces with certain confidence that more than likely they will be taking a trolley.

Our Captain Obvious count is up to two.

Tenley: “I’m so excited to finally get a one-on-one date with Jake and just hang out and see what it’s like to be a couple. It’s becoming real. My heart is beating so fast. I’m nervous. I’ve been anticipating this for so long. It’s hot in here? Oh geez. Now I’m sweating. Is anyone else sweating? I might need…yes…I will need a paper sack to breathe in and out. Ali? Can you get me a paper sack? Please? Corrie? Can you hold my hair back?”

Ali rolls her eyes and starts telling the group about how awesome San Francisco is and that Jake would be an imbecile not to invite her on a one-on-one date so she can show him around. Vienna stares off into space and Gia feels like the fifth wheel.

Jake admits that he is excited to go on a date with Tenley.

Jake: “Tenley is so sweet and positive. All the time. I mean ALL the time. It’s not annoying at all. And I know she’s been hurt by her ex-husband, so I’d like to see if I can get her to bad mouth him or get angry or something so I’ll know that she’s not a Stepford Wife prototype.”

The duo rides the trolley and hang their heads out the doorway. It’s your typical Rice-A-Roni commercial. (Clang, Clang!) The trolley lets them off at Chinatown and Jake regales that it’s just like being a foreign country…but not.

Captain Obvious count: 3

They play with fake swords. A Chinese woman convinces him that suckling pig is just like Texas BBQ. They try on funny hats. They make secret messages in personalized fortune cookies. Jake says there is definitely chemistry. I personally don’t see it. Tenley turns into Mama Bear and asks Jakey how he’s doing. There isn’t room for him to lay his head in her lap so he just quickly explains that it’s been a tough road. Tenley encourages him by saying he’s made really good decisions and then they kiss.

They walk outside and see a dude playing an instrument that appears to be made of a single bag pipe and an old Kleenex box. This is the moment the ABC producers told him that he was falling for Tenley.

Back at the California suite of the fancy hotel, there is a hard knock at the door. Corrie runs to fetch the date card.

It was at this moment that I wrote in my notes: Lord please. PLEASE LET IT BE VIENNA AND ALI! That’s just good television and it makes sense!

Low and behold…Corrie reads off Ali and Vienna’s names. NICE! You could cut the tension in that room with a sword you bought in Chinatown. The glares that swept from one girl to another were PRICELESS!

Ali: “I literally feel sick.”

Hey Ali. I’m going to need you to be a little more honest, okay? Tell us what is really on your mind. Don’t hold back.

Corrie: “SYKE! Totally kidding. I’m joking! It’s really a two-on-one date with Vienna and Gia. HA! You have to admit that was funny. Ali. Wasn’t that funny? Are you mad at me? I thought that was so funny. That’s my role. I’m the funny one. I make you laugh. Don’t hate me. Please don’t tell Jake I’m mean. Are we cool? Let’s change the subject. Hey Vienna. Are you mad that you are going on a two-on-one date?”

Vienna: “I don’t want to talk about it.”

Ali: “Look. We made a pact way back at the hot tub that day saying that we were all in this together and were going to tell the truth not matter what and just be honest with each other. For example, I think Corrie is an immature brat. Do you see her crying over there? She better hope and pray one tear doesn’t roll down that baby face of hers or I’ll give her something to cry about. Now what is your problem Vienna?”

Vienna: “I don’t want to talk about it. I just want to leave.”

Ali: “Do you want me to leave?”

Vienna sits back down: “That’d be great. Thanks Ali.”

Ali: “Oh no you didn’t! If you are upset with me, just tell me what you think I did and then I’ll convince you otherwise. Now spit it out!”

Vienna: “You flipped out at the rose ceremony because Jake gave me a rose. You hate me and talk bad about me.”

Ali: “How do you know I was talking about you, conceited?”

Vienna: “Dude. I heard you. I was standing two feet away and you were stage whispering. I’d have to be deaf not to know that you were talking about me.”

Ali: “It had nothing to do with you. It’s my opinion and it was a personal conversation I was having with myself. I’m so going to tell Jake that you are an eavesdropper.”

Vienna: “I didn’t do anything.”

Ali: “You talk bad about people in the house.”

Vienna: “THAT WAS YOU!”

Ali: “I only speak the truth. If you are honest, it’s not gossip. It’s healthy. XoXo Vienna.”

Vienna later tells the camera that Ali flat out pisses her off. She then says that Ali will never break her and Jake up because their love is strong enough to get through this storm. She is done with Ali. DONE.

Back in Chinatown, Jake tells Tenley it’s been 15 minutes since they ate and he is famished. He is taking her to a tower to have dinner. Afterwards, she is going to let her hair down so he can try and climb up it to rescue her from this crazy adventure.

When they reach the top, Jake is huffing and puffing.

I’m serious when I say that he has a medical condition. Bless his heart.

As they eat dinner, Jake decides to bring up her divorce again.

Jake: “You know more about marriage than I do. What mistakes in your marriage did you feel you made that you will be conscious of second time around?

Tenley: “I took things for granted. I regret not jumping off the couch or from the desk to greet him when he came home. He needs his slippers and his pipe and his glass of bourbon. That was my biggest mistake. I’ve learned so much. I will not give up on love. Giggle, giggle. What expectations do you have Jake?”

Jake: “That’s easy. I want my wife to always have my back no matter what. Respect from my wife is important. I want love, honor and respect…no matter what. Even if I do something stupid. A marriage is never going to be perfect, but love will be. Love lifts us up where we belong. All you need is love.”

Tenley: “You’ve already quoted those lyrics to me Jake.”

Jake: “Sorry. I get so confused with all these women. I should write it down so I don’t repeat. This is embarrassing. Okay, how about this? I’d go hungry, I’d go black and blue. I’d go crawling down the avenue. There ain’t nothing that I wouldn’t do. To make you feel my love.”

Tenley: “I’m sorry?”

Jake: “Shoot. Before your time AND country. It was Garth Brooks. Let me try again. Wise men say that only fools rush in. But I can’t help falling in love with you.”

Tenley: “Don’t you just love UB40?”

Jake: “I do. And I love Elvis too, but that’s neither here nor there.”

Tenley: “I have a question for you. What about pilots and their reputation for being unfaithful?”

Jake: “Cheating is a choice. The woman I marry will be the last woman I look at.”

And then they kiss.

Jake tells the camera that is expectations were completely exceeded. The conversation flowed. The kisses were magical. And they even wrote the same super secret message (Kiss Me) on their fortune cookie fortunes.

It’s so perfect that the ABC producers all them up to the tip top of the tower and tell them to make out for a good five minutes so they can play the plinky instrumental version of “On the Wings of Love” which is conveniently available on www.abc.com to download for $1.99.

Two-On-One Date
Vienna
Gia
Come Be a Princess in My Castle

Back at the Hotel California, there is another knock at the door. A huge trunk has been delivered and it takes all four girls to drag it inside. Upon opening, they find layers and layers and layers of clothes.

Vienna: “Seriously. Jake knows me sooooo well. OMG. A trunk full of clothes? Dresses, coats, hats, scarves. It was really sweet of him to buy me so many pretty things. I am super excited to go on a date with him.”

Gia complains that she is not as outgoing as Vienna and is practically throwing in the towel before they even get to the Napa Valley vineyard. She’s also a little ticked that she has to go back to a vineyard for a date. There’s only so much hide-and-go-seek one can play in a vineyard. She’ll have to think of something else creative to do.

Jake: “I’m a bit nervous for this date. I want to divide my time equally among the two girls. I think it might get awkward.”

Captain Obvious count: 4

Vienna: “This is the perfect date for me. I’m my Daddy’s princess. Jake thinks I’m his queen since he’s bringing me to his castle and that makes him my Prince Charming! And if my dog were here, I’d dress him up as the court jester. How cute would that be? I’m going to write that down in my journal.”

Jake puts his arms around both girls (weird) and takes them to the top of the castle where they drink wine, eat cheese and stare at plates of salmon. Jake confesses that this is an overnight date and Gia is super stoked that she packed her toothbrush just in case.

Vienna lets us in on a little secret. Her strategy for the night is to pretend Gia isn’t there. She wants her boyfriend’s attention to be only on her and she will stop at nothing to keep him interested.

Vienna: “Jake, sweetheart, I just want you to know how happy I am to be here. I’d like to bring up a weird moment that happened last night. Remember how Ali was crying when you came back in? That wasn’t because she was sad about Jessie leaving. It was because she was upset that I was staying. She hates me and doesn’t understand how you could like us both. I had to hold in tears last night so you wouldn’t see me cry. And I don’t want the other girls to see me cry either. But it’s hard, so since we’re alone now, I’m going to let the flood gates open in hopes that you comfort me with a make out session.”

Gia: “I know you can’t see me because Jake is blocking my body from view, but I am here Vienna. You are not alone.”

Vienna: “Did you hear something? Must be a ghost. Anyway, boo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo…”

Jake: “There, there Vienna. You know I have specific reasons why I do things. I have the best four girls…”

Gia: “Hey there!”

Jake: “Five. I have the best five girls and don’t care what other people think. When I let go of Jess and Ash, I felt confident that I wanted you here.”

Gia: “What about me?”

Jake: “Oh right. You too Gia. Here. Let me lay down so that our shoulders touch and you can feel a part of this uncomfortable conversation. What is that too weird? Okay. Let’s you and I go for a walk and be alone.”

Gia reminds us that she is the insecure ugly duckling from high school and has never been on a date with a dude and another girl. She doesn’t like hearing stories about Jake either because it makes her disappointed in him.

Gia: “I’m falling for you. Then I hear stories from the other girls and I don’t feel special. You know how I put my legs in your lap? You do that with other girls. I thought that was our thing.”

Jake: “Hey! Calm down! I put my head in Tenley’s lap. Totally different.”

Gia: “I guess. It’s just hard. I don’t feel special.”

Jake: “I’m really, REALLY in to you. You are like, so kind, sweet and generous and drop-dead gorgeous. Are you falling for me? Because I’m falling for you.”

Hold the phone ladies and gentlemen! A confession of sorts. This is mighty interesting. Then they kiss and it’s the most passionate we’ve seen in a while. Could this be Jake’s front-runner?

Gia: “Is it okay to fall?”
Jake: “It’s okay to fall.”

Then they make out again. In the wine cellar. Very steamy. I, of course, miss it because I’m puking in the bucket I keep by my couch when chachtastic dialog like that comes up.

Meanwhile, the ABC intern gives Vienna an old timey lantern, turns her around in a circle five times really fast and challenges her to go find Jake and Gia.

Between takes of Jake and Gia making out like a couple of band kids in the back of the bus on the road to an away game, we see Vienna slowly getting lost in the castle. Gary the Camera Guy is of no help so she starts yelling out Jake’s name. The echo freaks her out. It doesn’t help that the ABC intern is making spooky noises while rattling chains. Just before she discovers the secret entrance to the Gryffindor common room, she yells “HONEY” to the top of her lungs and hears the distinct sound of smacking exactly 100 yards away. She quickly turns and finds Gia and Jake with smeared lipstick and goofy grins.

Jake is a little miffed that Vienna didn’t stay put for 30 minutes so he could get to second base with Gia. He takes her out to the courtyard and listens as she babbles on about how they are MFEO (meant for each other). She puts her feet in his lap and insists they talk about the wonder that is Vienna.

Then Vienna senses Jake is pulling away. He asks, “What do you want in a husband?”

Vienna: “I want to be like 16-year-old kids in love. Have fun, travel, and wake up in the morning saying I LOVE YOU. I don’t think it should die down. I am falling for you.”

Captain Obvious count: 5

Vienna: “I don’t want to share you with the other girls.”
Jake: “This is a crazy adventure.”

Uh oh. Vienna needs to tread carefully.

Jake takes Gia and Vienna to their room and awkwardly hugs them both good night. Vienna admits that she can see a spark between Jake and Gia. But that won’t stop her from stalking Jake again in the castle. In fact, this spark fuels her desire to find him and give him a proper kiss good night.

Vienna goes down to the basement and attempts to roll a barrel of wine up the flight of stairs to Jake’s room. The Napa Valley vineyard castle people are not happy with this and insist on giving her two wine glasses and bottle to carry to Jake’s room. The ABC intern demands $20 to show her where the room is located. Unfortunately, ABC producers confiscated her wallet upon arrival to the mansion five weeks ago. She compromises by offering to flash the ABC intern. In turn, he must show her the way.

The ABC intern obliges.

Vienna storms in Jake’s room, ready to talk about new beginnings and finding love. Jake looks like he is done and sports a very sour look on his face. Later, we learn that he was thinking of his 90-year-old great Aunt Tilley because he confesses to the camera that:

Jake: “Vienna comes in. I’m almost naked under the covers. I’m not going to lie. I had dirty thoughts. That was hot as hell. So I had to do whatever I could do to not partake in her night cap. Ergo…Great Aunt Tilley. Thinking of her does the trick every time when a bucket of ice cold water is not immediately available. She knew she should go back upstairs. I can’t do that to Gia.”

Vienna goes back upstairs with a sad heart. She admits that she feels she might have hurt her changes and she is worried that she won’t get a rose.

Second One-On-One Date
Corrie
Fun in the Park
Let the record show that I can’t stand sweaters worn with footless tights.

Now that I have that out of my system, we can concentrate on other uncomfortable things. Like Corrie’s date. So. Awkward. I split the time either hiding behind a couch cushion or singing “Kiss the Girl” from the Little Mermaid.

Who’s with me? You know you did too. Admit it.

Jake: “I’ve decided to take Corrie to a park. I’m going to run and greet her in the middle. I hope she doesn’t take my shirt off, because I’ll start sparkling in the sunlight. Just kidding. How cool would it be to be a vampire? See? Twilight is more interesting that this girl. Oh well. Let’s do this thing.”

After they twirl in the meadow, Jake takes Corrie to a row boat. Jake rows. Corrie sits and stares at his muscles rippling under his shirt. Corrie tells the camera that she doesn’t kiss boys and that she doesn’t date just to date. She wants the boy to go 90 percent and she will go the last 10. Poor Jake admits that he goes 80 percent and wants the girl to come the last 20.

Therefore, there is 10 percent of awkward space that neither want to cross. But they stare. And they gaze. And they give goo goo eyes. And they lick their lips. And they smile. And they stare.

Dare you see her
Sitting dare across the way
She don’t got a lot to say (amen) but dare’s something about her
And you don’t know why but you’re dying to try
You wanna KISS DE GIRL

Sha, la, la, la, la, la don’t be scared. You’ve got to move your head.
Go on and KISS DE GIRL.
Sha, la, la, la, la, la float along and listen to de song.
The song say KISS DE GIRL.

Jake leans forward. Tilts his head. And proceeds to remove a piece of hair from her face.

So close. Yet…not really.

They go to the museum and look at all the museum things. Corrie feels there is a cloud hanging around over her head. So she decides to be brutally honest at dinner.

Corrie: “I feel your head is somewhere right now.”

Jake: “We are moving so slow. Now is a critical time. Are you ever going to open up?”

Corrie: “I’m a virgin. Is that enough information for you?”

Jake: “Geez Corrie. I’ll settle for knowing what your favorite movie is or what’s currently on your iPod.”

Corrie: “I know, but I think we need to fast forward to the important stuff. I want you to meet my parents. I would totally live in Dallas. But I want my own apartment.”

Jake: “I like the movie Airplane and I just downloaded Party in the USA by Miley Cyrus. It’s catchy. And since I don’t know what else to say, I’m going to go 90 percent and hopefully kiss you right now so we don’t have to talk.”

Final One-On-One Date
Ali
Show Me Your Town

Ali is stoked that Jake is in her neighborhood. And she’s super stoked that he’s such a gentleman to lug her bag around all day long! Score! Not only that, he buys her flowers from her favorite flower shop in her neighborhood.

Jake: “What’s your favorite flower?”
Ali: “Daisies. Wait. You’re my favorite flower.”

I think Ali just called Jake a pansy.

After that foam mustache joke, I just might agree.

Jake asks Ali about a day in her life in this neighborhood that is so important to her. She rambles on about checking email and eating brunch. They kiss. Jake admits that there is a comfort level with Ali, but there are some serious questions that need to be answered.

But not before they take a walk by the beach. They stroll. They see a crab being eaten by a seagull. They play soccer. They spread out a blanket. Jake lays on his stomach and Ali offers to straddle him and give him a back rub. Jake feels like a pansy so he turns over, thinking Ali will un-straddle him.

She does not. She proceeds to remain straddled and starts to rub his pecs. Then they sort of half-way dry hump and he pulls her down to his chest for a make out session that includes Jake grabbing her butt.

Clearly, Jake doesn’t think that now is not the time for serious talk. Unfortunately, Ali does.

She leans back up, still straddled, and begins her soliloquy. Jake can only answer in two word sentences.

Ali: “I’m really glad you are here.”
Jake: “Me too.”

Captain Obvious count: 6

Ali: “I feel comfortable with you.”
Jake: “I know.”

Ali: “I think it’s time we leave.”
Jake: “Five minutes.”

Later, Jake has regained some presence of mind and asks Ali if there is anything bothering her that she wants to talk about. Perhaps something that happened at the last rose ceremony?

Ali: “I want to see you happy. It doesn’t matter what other people say. What are they saying by the way?”

Jake: “Do you have any questions for me?”

Ali: “I don’t need answers. If you pick me…great. If not, it wasn’t meant to be.”

Jake: “Are you sure? Nothing about Vienna comes to mind?”

Ali: “Crap. What did she tell you? I was not crying or talking mean about her. That room was very dusty and I had something in my eyes.”

Jake: “Vienna is incredibly honest and goes out of her way to let me know that she is here for me.”

Ali: “Let’s make out. Do you want a back rub? Lay down and then we’ll talk.”

Jake: “I have a better idea. Let’s run in the ocean with our shoes on!”

Ali: “OK. My kicky new boots will be ruined but who cares! Say I’m a bird.”

Jake: “Huh?”

Ali: “Say I’m a BIRD!”

Jake: “You’re a bird.”

Rose Ceremony
Again with the weirdness. WHERE IS HARRISON?

Jake comes in and tells the girls that he has fallen for all five of them. Looks of shock ripple through the group. He says he is totally confused and then asks for a cheers from the ladies.

Again. We need Our Host to handle these moments.

Jake takes each girl, excluding Ali, for some one-on-one time. First up is Tenley. She says she is falling for him and that she is nervous. Then she wants to see him dance, so they get up and waltz around the room. Tenley channels her best Cinderella and is singing to cartoon blue birds and baby deer by the time he takes her back to the other girls.

Corrie decides that she wants to talk about her virginity again during her one-on-one time. Jake tells her that it’s not about sex appeal, it’s about heart appeal. Corrie gives him the key to her chastity belt and returns to the group.

Gia confesses that Jake passed a major test when he sent Vienna back to the room without a little hanky panky. Jake tells her she is different from all the other women and then picks up where they left off in the wine cellar. The ABC intern is sent in to poke Jake in the arm because time is wasting. Gia wanders back to the group happy that she will have a ring on her finger soon.

Knowing that Vienna likes to be last, Jake takes her hand and leads her away to a surprise he has planned for her. What is this? A surprise for Vienna? Shut the front door! He takes her to his suite, out on the balcony and explains that the other night was not their moment.

Jake: “You know what? I like Vienna. She is smoking hot. Have I said that before? She’s as sexy as hell. And hell is pretty sexy I hear. I’m going to let my heart go and see where it lands. Everyone else can suck it.”

Then, it’s as if the seas have parted and glorious music is channeled in from the heavens. It’s Our Host Chris Harrison clinking his champagne glass. We’ve missed you Hare!

One-On-One with Hare

OHCH: “Five girls. Four women. Talk to me Goose.”

Jake: “Wait. I thought I was Maverick?”

OHCH: “Not important. This is a pivotal rose ceremony. Home town dates man. Families. Fathers. What’s your plan?”

Jake: “It’s not like saying goodbye to a friend Chris. It’s breaking up with someone.”

OHCH: “Yeah, yeah. So what about your date with Tenley?”

Jake: “So cool. Have you been to Chinatown Chris? You can make your own fortune cookies there. And wear funny hats. I like it there. A lot.”

OHCH: “And Gia. You had some fun with her in the wine cellar didn’t you?”

Jake: “Yes indeed. She’s fabulous. She’s insecure though. And I don’t know why because she is smoking hot.”

OHCH: “Okay Jake. Let’s talk about smoking hot. That is so 80s. Between now and next week, I want you to come up with another adjective to describe Gia and Vienna that isn’t smoking hot. Deal?”

Jake: “Deal.”

OHCH: “What about Corrie? Is it weird that she kept bringing up that she’s a virgin?”

Jake: “Nah. She’s sweet. But it’s not surprise that she’s getting the boot tonight.”

OHCH: “Of course not. But I had to ask. What about your date with Ali. She’s feisty, isn’t she?”

Jake: “Everything is so natural. I can cuddle up with her and it feels safe and right.”

OHCH: “Note to self Jake. Dry humping is not cuddling. How about Vienna?”

Jake: “I never know what she’s going to say.”

OHCH: “But she’s the lighting rod of controversy. That doesn’t bother you? Do I need to remind you of a person we like to call He Who Must Not Be Named?”

Jake: “Dude. Uncool.”

Our Host Chris Harrison takes Jake back to the room to hand out roses. He tells them that his heart is breaking as he hands them out to Tenley, Ali, Gia and Vienna.

Jake begins tearing up. He wants Corrie to know that there was something missing from their relationship. He wanted her so badly to open up, but time got away from them.

Corrie gets sloshed from the free Vodka in the limo and talks about how she put up a wall.

Corrie: “Had it been just the two of us, it would have been different.”

Captain Obvious count: 7

Next week is hometown dates! Gia’s mom looks like she’s going to give our Bachelor a hard time. Vienna’s daddy wants to know if Jake will treat his daughter like the princess she is. Someone comes to warn Jake about something super secret and Our Host announces that for the FIRST TIME EVER, there will not be a rose ceremony.

Bring it on!

All about the shame, not the fame,

Lincee

Jake:  “It’s not about sex appeal.  It’s about flexibility.  See how Ali straddles me so comfortably in the middle of a meadow?”

OHCH:  “Jake.  Buddy.  You can’t say that on prime time TV.  This isn’t cable.”

Jake:  “Right.  Sorry.”

OHCH:  “Take two.”

Jake: “It’s not about sex appeal.  It’s about being smoking hot and coming to my room with a bottle of wine and admitting you aren’t wearing any panties.”

OHCH:  “Dude.  You can’t say that either.  Think wings of love and try again.  Take three.”

Jake:  “It’s not about sex appeal.  It’s about heart appeal.”

OHCH:  “Totally chachtastic.  I think we have a winner.  We needed something with extra cheese so Lincee would have an amazing title for her blog tomorrow.  It will be the new catch phrase that sweeps the nation!  Good job Jake!”

Recap will be up LATER this afternoon as soon as I figure out what in the world I can write about after sitting through the most boring episode to date.

Wish me luck!

According to several gossip sites, Molly and Jason’s wedding will be televised on March 8th. 

Set your DVRs NOW people. 

ABC has arranged TWO WHOLE HOURS of prime time television for us to enjoy the happy couple tie the knot. 

I am praying to the good Lord that Our Host Chris Harrison will call the wedding like he did for Trista and Ryan.  And here’s hoping that Melissa Rycroft and her new hubby will provide color commentary.  Oh!  And maybe Hotter than Crap Brad can man the open bar at the reception.  Yeah!  And Break Dancer Mike can entertain on the dance floor.  He can bring his twin.  Who is dating DDAHnna.  And she can catch the bouquet.  And this time next year, we’ll all meet back here to celebrate their wedding on national TV.

Good plan.

Before I begin the recap, I’d like to give a shout out to Jessica. This sweet girl tracked me down at a party on Saturday night, proceeded to gush about how awesome I am and then asked for a picture.

I have her fooled ladies and gentlemen! GO ME!

I’d also like to give a great big kudos to the guys in the comment section. I love every reader equally, but it’s always fun to hear what the dudes have to say.

And it’s also fun to know that guys actually read this stuff. GO DUDES!

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closer friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this amusing mockery and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee did?” However, if you or someone on your Facebook page happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying leftover Christmas candy or have a Bikram Yoga instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

ABC asked me to thank their opening montage sponsor, Victoria’s Secret, for providing kicky little jump suits for our remaining nine girls. They all gather around Our Host Chris Harrison wearing their bright spring colors…no two alike. Ali called dibs on the yellow one and then she convinced Jessie that teal green – the color of gangrene – was the hot color for 010. When Ella was told that black was not an option, she chose orange for her Tennessee roots. Tenley picked the pink one and was super excited that Corrie chose purple because that is her favorite person wearing her second favorite color! YEAH! Ashleigh was given the blue one, which she immediately had the ABC intern cut her bottoms into shorty shorts. Gia didn’t care which color she wore because she knows that her iridescent Jimmy Choos will go with anything. She was given red because she is a firecracker from New York. Poor Kathryn was left out because everyone forgot she existed. No one wore vanilla in honor of Elizabeth.

Our Host tells the remaining girls that the game is about to change. Nothing is going to be the same again. ABC is taking this reality show to new levels. We are going in a direction we’ve never gone before. Get ready for some serious news…

ROAD TRIP!

Good Lord. Perhaps I was in a very bad mood, but the screeching that went on and on and on during this part was painfully annoying to me. PAINFUL I SAY! I understand that you have been sharing living quarters with people you don’t really care for. I understand that you’ve been at this loaded mansion for 12 days. And yes…road trips are fun! But the screeching and the hugging and the “dibbing” has got to stop. And why did Ali fold herself to get in the luggage portion of the RV? One can only assume that she made a bet with Corrie that she could fit inside. Loser had to remind Jake that Vienna is a skank.

Our Host Chris Harrison reveals to the ladies that they are going to road trip up the coast of California and the pimped out RVs will be their new homes for the next couple of days. Ella is excited because she’s from Tennessee and apparently, people there all live in RVs. Gia on the other hand has never stepped Manolo Blahnik in one of these contraptions and is praying that it has a shower.

Our Host gives the girls one hour to pack and then separates the cool kids from the rejects into two different buses. Vienna, Gia, Ashleigh and Corrie are in the reject bus. Little does Vienna know that Ali sent Corrie on that bus to spy on The Enemy. Each bus begins with a champagne toast and WE ARE OFF!

Sadly, ABC was not able to obtain the rights to “Life is a Highway.” We were forced to watch Jake driving winding roads on his hog, while normal music played in the background, as he symbolically laments that he’s come so far already on his journey and how it seems like yesterday there were 25 girls. He stops at a vineyard and sets up his University of Texas tent in the middle of acres and acres of grapes. He can’t think of any other place to fall in love.

Meanwhile in the cool RV, Ali clears her throat so her minions will pay attention to her. She wonders aloud who will be the sad, sad girls on the dreaded two-on-one date? Immediately, the other girls guess that it will be Ali and Vienna. Ali says that she will take one for the team if she has a two-on-one with Vienna and the gauntlet will be dropped. Vienna is going down. The girls take the petals from their previous rose ceremonies and sprinkle them on the ground wherever Ali’s feet touch.

The RVs roll up in the vineyard and Jake is standing under a tree in his flannel shirt holding an axe.

Sort of reminded me of this moment at the 2:20 mark.

Or maybe I’m going through a Josh Duhamal phase. So sue me.

So there Jake is…looking all rugged and manly in his checkerboard flannel.

Jake: “Ladies! Welcome to the vineyard. Camping is a huge part of my life and I want to make sure you guys are okay with being outdoors.”

Gia: “What’s that smell?”

Ella: “It’s called fresh air.”

Jake to Vienna: “Do you like camping?”

Vienna: “We’ve talked about this before. See? Look here on page 47 of my diary. You asked me if I liked camping and I made a joke and said ‘Only if it’s at the Four Seasons’ and you looked at me funny because you don’t understand humor, sarcasm or wit so I changed my tune and answered yes. Is that our orange tent up there on the hill?”

Ali’s mouth drops open to rip Vienna a new one, but then she remembers that Jake is standing there. She opts for a shocked/hurt look instead. Tenley feels the comment was inappropriate and awkward. Vienna is clueless there has been a reaction.

Jake hem-haws around and lamely answers:

Jake: “Heh, heh. No. That tent is mine. And I’ve got to mosey back up there to get ready for my first one-on-one date. Here’s the card. I’m going to get on my bike and drive away. Please don’t read it until I leave because my heart can’t handle seeing disappointment in anyone’s eyes.”

It was at this moment that I thought Jake looked REALLY tired and sort of done with this process. I don’t think he is in to any of these girls and just wishes he could go home.

One-On-One Date
Gia
Under the Stars and Over the Moon

Gia is so excited that she gets a one-on-one date. She has no idea what to wear and has never gotten ready in such a short amount of time.

Jake, however, knows exactly what to do. Shave by the light of sunset using a pocket knife and tiny little mirror the makeup girl had in her pocket. He’s rugged. He’s manly.

The cool click thinks that Jake is a good ole’ southern boy who won’t have anything in common with a New Yorker. Gia is wearing stilettos for crying out loud. IN THE WOODS. She doesn’t know how to put a helmet on for goodness sakes. Clearly, this is a massive waste of time.

Ashleigh: “Do you think she’s coming back?”
Jessie: “If she doesn’t fall off the bike.”
Ali: “That’s good. Write that in the burn book.”

Now before this date, I was acutely aware that Gia was…what…19-years-old or something? A quick check on ABC.com tells me that she is 23-years-old. Guess what. SAME THING! With that said, I guess we were never given the opportunity before this date to witness Gia’s toddler tendencies.

What are toddler tendencies? I’m glad you asked.

Gia suggests they play hide-and-go-seek in the vineyard. And then she hides maybe four rows down from Jake. He simply crouches down and looks for her legs. Within minutes, he “finds” her and she is eck-static. Giggling like a little girl.

She jumps into his arms and wraps her legs around his waist. Very Jillian/Jason of her. But then, she doesn’t let go. Jake literally carries her on his hip like a toddler. And she loves it and doesn’t appear to feel awkward at all. One can assume that he is schlepping her around because she ditched the Christian Louboutin’s for bare feet for the impromptu “find-me-five-feet-away” game.

Jake carries his load to the picnic area, drops her and then catches his breath. Gia thanks Jake that he broughten her here. She talks about being a nerd at her high school and how her book bags and shoes were always stolen.

Jake: “I thought you were the drop dead gorgeous girl on the cheerleader squad.”

Gia: “Oh no. Not me. I would have been eck-static to be that, but I wasn’t.”

Jake: “In 9th grade, I was called Mr. Dateless.”

Gia: “Why?”

Jake looking concerned: “Beeeeeeccccaaaauuuuussse…I didn’t date. My first kiss was 11th grade.”

Lincee: Nice segue Jake. Less talking would be great for all of us watching here at home. Good call Captain.

Gia: “My first kiss was spin the bottle. It was awful.”

Jake: “I bet we could polish off one of these 17 bottles of wine and spin it on that cutting board over there. What do you say?”

Gia is game. She goes over the rules of spin the bottle which are unflinchingly rigid.

Gia: “First time is the cheek. Then lips. Then all the way.”

Suddenly, weird sultry Mexican telenovela music begins to play. The bottle is spun. Cheeks are kissed. Lips are kissed. Then Jake gives Gia his best sultry look and goes in for the kiss. She rubs his neck and then he hides his face. Gia said it was the best kiss of her life.

After making out, Gia jumps on Jake’s back because heaven forbid if her feet touch filthy things like grass and leaves. He wants to make sure she is comfortable with messy sticky things like hot dogs and s’mores.

I’m telling you. I’d be perfect for this guy. Hot dogs are my life. And s’mores. Had he whipped out a packet of gummy bears and a Dr Pepper, I would have proposed right then and there.

At the camp site, Jake says he needs to start the fire. Bless Gia’s heart. She asks if he knows how. I’m going to give her the benefit of the doubt and assume that she thought he would be rubbing two sticks together verses the lighter fluid and match option he chose to take.

She talks about the stars and how she never sees them in New York. She says it’s the most romantic thing she’s ever done. Jake explains that this is his life and wonders if she could be a part of it.

Gia: “Of course. I picture us getting engaged. I want to be engaged for a while. I have no problem with coming to Texas. Do they have designer shoes there? Would I have to ride a horse to the general store? I’ve never met a person from Mexico. Will I have to learn Spanish? Because that might take a while and I want three kids before I’m 30.”

Jake: “Gee Gia. If I do the math, that would mean that we would have to get married this year and start having babies next year.”

Gia: “Exactly. Thank goodness I’m only 23-years-old. You couldn’t do that with the other girls here. Especially Vienna. She’s a bimbo. By the way, I also want a baby girl from China. It’s important for kids to have that, you know? Someone to want them? Oh. And I want a pig. A pot belly one. But the China kid first. Wait! What is that? Is that a coyote? Are we going to be eaten by bears? Should we go in the tent and get a little more comfortable? Will you get on all fours like a horse and let me ride you to the tent? I need to practice. Seriously? Is that a wild animal?”

Sadly, it was just Tenley howling at the dynamic duo up on the hill. Jake laughs and tells Gia that she is refreshing. Then “Wings of Love—The Instrumental Arrangement” is played in the background.

Lord give me the strength to get through this show.

Group Date
Jessie
Ashleigh
Tenley
Ali
Corrie
Vienna

Jake takes the lead on his hog and is followed by the two RVs as they caravan down to Pismo Beach. He rides through the seagulls in his big Marvin the Martian helmet and thinks about how he wishes he was anywhere but here.

Vienna is excited to see Jake. Ashleigh is tired and wants to sit down. Tenley reads off the piece of paper Ali gave her and asks, “If Vienna gets a rose, what would you do?” Ali says she would throw up.

The girls on the date have obviously been told to wear bright colorful tops because the sand can look dreary on-screen. Jake tells them that they should be prepared to get dirty. He wants to see who isn’t afraid to just have fun.

Is it me? Or has he said this sentence 12 times already?

Ali takes charge and says that she will be driving a dune buggy. Jake says that he will be driving the blue one because blue is for boys. Ali then changes her tune and calls shot gun with Jake and then embraces him in a hug.

Ali: “You snooze. You lose. Simple shot gun rules.”

Corrie: “But you just said that you wanted to drive?”

Ali: “Corrie! What did you say?”

Corrie: “You look so pretty in that bright yellow tee!”

Vienna to the camera: “Whatever. Ali can have her 30 minutes of fun on a dune buggy, because I’m going to marry him.”

Corrie and Ashleigh drive off like maniacs. This turns our Bachelor on. Jessie’s driving is timid and this turns our Bachelor off. Jessie and Vienna get stuck in the sand and Jake comes to save the day by physically lifting the car up and over. This turns Vienna on. Jake tackles Tenley and rolls down the sandy embankment head over heels in what appeared to be a good idea and first that quickly went awry. Tenley laughs and spits sand out for the next 10 minutes.

Jake: “There isn’t anything I can find that is NOT positive about Tenley. It’s so refreshing.”

Jake takes them to a fruit and wine picnic in the sand. They toast. They eat. They feed each other. He asks if anyone would like to go roll in the sand. Ironically, Vienna did not jump at the chance to go “roll in the sand” with Jake. I think she was daydreaming about her dog. And poor Ali was waiting for someone in her army to suggest she go roll with Jake.

But Corrie took matters into her own hands and volunteered herself.

And then the weirdness comes. They literally roll down the sandy hill together. Call me crazy, but I thought that Jake was being funny. I’m sure Corrie did too, but she wasn’t about to pass up the chance to bounce down a hill hip to hip with her fake man. Who cares if a few grains found their way to crevices that were already chaffing? It was worth it! But let the record show that it did not look fun.

Also, Jake was panting. Again. I think he might have heart problems.

Jake tells the group that he loves dirty girls, but it’s time to go get dressed for dinner. They head to a place called The Inn that is sort of like the Magic Time Machine restaurant with themed rooms.

For some reason, the screeching happens again. Why? Why do we have to screech? It’s a theme room. This is such an un-screech moment I think.

Sometimes I hear the screeching in my sleep. Help me.

The girls go from room to room. Ali calls first shower. No one flinches. They don’t even complain when she used up all the hot water. They change into their tiny black cocktail dresses. Poor Jake just wore his favorite white tee from the Gap. From the looks of the bags under his eyes, he has either just had an allergy attack or is extremely tired. But he presses through, knowing that he wants alone time with each and every girl.

First up is Ashleigh’s butt. Clearly, Gary the Camera Guy had to find creative ways to shoot this moment because there were literally crickets chirping in this room. She plays with his zipper. He smiles. She places her hands on his knee. He switches positions. She flings her legs over his lap. The ABC editing department places a modesty blur patch over her nether regions, but that’s neither here nor there. She tells the camera that she will not come across desperate.

Jake: “Ashleigh is smoking hot. I just don’t feel there is any chemistry with her. I’m not progressing and I’m trying to.”

Jake heartlessly hugs Ashleigh and they head back to the dinner table.

Next in line is Vienna, but she opts out and asks to go last in the one-on-one time. Jake looks like he could care less and is so over the drama. Ali jumps at the chance to take down her prey in a weak moment.

Ali and Jake go to another themed room where Jake immediately gets as horizontal as he can while still remaining somewhat seated. He smiles and looks concerned in all the right places as Ali breaks down the details for him.

Ali: “Ok. The way I see it, you have given Gia a rose, someone will get a rose tonight and tomorrow. Then you will have three left. THREE LEFT JAKE. I can totally help you figure this out if you just ask me. But more importantly, what are you going to do?”

Jake: “I’m going to concentrate on this moment.”

Ali gets a clue and decides to shut up for once. They sit side-by-side in silence for about two minutes before Jake falls asleep and the ABC intern finds Ali taking advantage of him.

Refreshed from his nap, Jake takes Tenley to be alone. He wants to find out where her heart is and if she is over her ex-husband.

Tenley, the Mother of the group, has placed Jake’s head in her lap and is running her fingers through his hair as she talks about having never dated since her divorce. She wants to know how Jake feels and if this makes him nervous.

Jake: “My head is in your crotch and my nose is mere inches away from your boob. I’m feeling pretty good right now. Just wondering if you have your whole heart to give?”

Tenley: “Why does your heart tell you Jake?”

He leans up. They kiss. And then they turn into Disney animated characters.

Next up would have been Jessie, but bless her heart, ABC continued to edit her to death. Poor Jessie.

And I’m assuming there was enough alone time footage with Corrie at the sand dunes, so her time was cut as well.

That leaves Vienna. She chose to be last so she can be the last person he kisses. Unbeknownst to her, he wasn’t planning on kissing this little vixen tonight because he’s getting some pretty significant red flags waving in his face. By this point, Jake is using toothpicks to hold up his eyes.

Tread carefully Vienna. Don’t do anything stupid.

Vienna: “This waiting around is making me tired. I want to have you to myself already. I don’t know why these other girls are here. They always give me such a hard time.”

Jake: “And why do you think that is?”

Vienna: “Because I’m pretty. And they are jealous.”

Apparently, lack of total sleep brings the bitter honesty out in Jake.

Jake: “Do you think you could be bringing it on yourself? I mean, sometimes it’s best not to say anything. Keeping your mouth shut can be a blessing at times. Like right now. Do we have to talk? Let’s just sit quietly for a moment.”

Vienna: “Oh Jake. You are totally looking out for me. I think you are the bomb dot com for doing that. I will be careful what I say. I understand what you mean. It’s not right for me to flaunt our love in front of them. Let’s talk about something else instead of those mean old girls. Let’s talk about me!”

Jake admits that he is pumping the brakes with Vienna and that he is concerned.

Vienna and Jake return to the booth that the ABC intern has squished all nine women in. Jake says that he really wants to give the rose to someone who opened up and showed initiative. A quick camera cut to Corrie and Jake gives the rose to Tenley.

Corrie is upset that she didn’t get a rose. Does this mean that he likes Tenley more? (DING! DING! DING! Tell her what she wins Johnny!)

Ashleigh thinks Tenley talks too much and exudes way too much energy. She reaches for another Vodka shot, slams it and goes to bed.

Two-On-One Date
Ella
Kathryn
Big Things Happening in Big Sur

Ali continues to stir up drama and insists that everyone on the cool bus discuss how the two-on-one date is totally awkward and scary. She reminds Ella that you can’t connect when someone else is your third wheel. She encourages her to do whatever she has to to pull focus and seal the deal.

Kathryn: “Ali. I’m on this bus. I can hear you.”

Ali: “Whatever. No one knows your name. You are cellophane. He sees RIGHT THROUGH YOU. Like you’re going to win anyway.”

Jake meets the RVs in his best lumberjack getup. Tenley awkwardly tells them that she wants to say goodbye, but there’s a 50/50 chance they will be coming back so she won’t.

Ella rolls her eyes. Kathryn is still licking her wounds from the Ali scandal.

Jake takes his battery-0perated lantern and leads the two girls to a quiet dinner in his cabin. He encourages them to lay their hearts out in the open.

Now it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that both of these women are going home. Here are the facts: Jake looks like he’s about to hurl and there is zero chemistry between them. Z-E-R-O.

Not to mention, ABC did a fine job of scooping themselves by showing Jake throw a single rose in the camp fire as he was wearing the exact same lumberjack outfit during the “coming up” spots.

Ella dominates the conversation and tells Jake that she is passionate about her son. She wants someone who will influence him positively.

Kathryn thinks…

And Ella also wants someone who knows what it means to have family values.

But Kathryn interjects…

And Ella wants to laugh with her best friend for all the live long day.

Kathryn begins to get drunk.

Jake takes Ella away for some alone time. Jake tells Ella that he thinks Ethan is neat.

Ella: “I want you to see more than just the fact that I’m a mom. With me you get the whole package. I have so much to give. Ethan’s teddy bear. His favorite blanket. His favorite Transformer Optimus Prime. And I think you are the same way. It either goes or it doesn’t.”

Jake: “I feel like that with you, if I’m not absolutely sure, I don’t want to keep you from Ethan.”

Aaaaannnnnddddd Ella is done.

To be fair, Jake decides to have some alone time with Kathryn.

Jake: “I keep getting lost in your eyes. And I feel my spirits rise. And soar like the wind. Is it love that I am in? I need to figure that out.”

Kathryn: “Dude. You have been talking to Ella all night long. What is wrong with you? Rudeness! And what about all these other girls? HELLO! I’m here too! I’m tired of being looked through. We did a lot really fast and then really slow too. I’m not sure what that means, but you need to break this wall down buddy because I am angry.”

Jake takes a moment to stare at Ella and Kathryn from a distance, stalker style. He then asks Ella if he can see her outside. He swallows hard, tells her she is amazing and thanks her for being the complete package. Then he bids her adieu.

Ella smiles and encourages him to choose wisely among the remaining girls. She enters the limo and it cautiously moves away so Kathryn can’t hear the tires crunching in the leaves or see the headlights as Ella hits the road.

Jake goes back in and puts his hands in his head. Clearly, he’s gearing up for the second boot. He tells Kathryn that she is going to meet a great guy one day, but he is not that guy. He apologizes that she saw the limo drive away. The ABC intern radios for Caesar to come back and Jake puts Kathryn in the back seat with Ella. Was not awkward at all. Especially the part where Kathryn asks if Jake is sure about his decision after they had 30 whole minutes together in the last two weeks.

Kathryn says that he made a mistake and that she didn’t see that coming.
Ella said that it doesn’t make any since.
Tenley cries because she didn’t get to say goodbye.

Gary the Camera Guy watches Jake cry through the bushes. Sort of creepy, but whatever. Jake symbolically throws the rose in the fire to show that he has a burning desire to find his best friend/wife and no one can get in the way.
He looks, he ponders, he tosses. C’est la vie people.

Rose Ceremony
Everyone gets off the bus with hair and makeup done. They carry their shoes and fancy cocktail dresses in to the mansion and talk about how Vienna is going home.

Jake says that the moment he realizes that he can’t spend the next 60 years with this woman, she needs to go home. The camera cuts to Ashleigh.

Ali: “I think what you did last night was unbelievably honorable.”

Jake gives her puppy dog eyes.

Ali: “I am really falling for you.”

Jake: “You are?”

Ali: “Yeah. You told those girls where to stick it and that is hot. You are not playing games. You are here to win. I’m here to win. I never thought I could feel excited and petrified at the same time. So let’s kiss. BTW…Vienna is a beyotch.”

After they make out, Jessie decides that she is going to out Vienna because she hasn’t thrown her under the bus yet.

Low and behold, ABC decides to air this entire interchange. Not because Jessie is telling Jake new information that we haven’t heard, but the good folks over there decided that we all needed a flashback to the early 90s.

What she was wearing had to be a dare. I’m pretty sure it’s a first cousin of what I wore to the eight grade dance…green eye shadow and all. If Jessie had worn a black scrunchie in her hair, fingerless lace gloves and ankle boots, we would have been twins.

Jessie: “Jake. Hey. I’m Jessie. I want you to know that there is one person that I don’t feel that is for you. And her name is Vienna.”

Jake: “What do you see that I’m not aware of?”

Jessie: “Well, she’s self-centered and spoiled. She has to top everything. She’s crashed a million cars that her Daddy writes a check for. She has strong opinions. She carries a dog around like it’s a baby. Her extensions are beginning to smell a little bit. Should I go on?”

Jake: “No. That’s enough. I’m glad you are here and trying to be my friend.”

Jessie: “We are young Jake. Heart ache to heart ache…we stand. No promises. No demands. Love is a battle field.”

Our Host Chris Harrison leads Jake into the room to hand out his roses.

OHCH: “Whenever you are ready Jake.”
Jake: “I’M NOT READY CHRIS!”

Our Host raises and eyebrow and Jake apologizes.

Jake tells the girls that he liked seeing them dirty. He said that it’s hard because he doesn’t want to hurt anyone. He thanks them for putting their lives on hold and then he hands roses to Ali and Corrie.

Then Jake begins to hyperventilate. He asks for a minute and leaves with two roses and three girls standing.

All of the sudden, Gary the Camera Guy gets all “Blair Witch Project” on us and begins to run to catch up with Jake. It’s very shaky and confusing.

Or should I say…much like the “Blair Witch Project”…that is what we are supposed to believe.

Jake finds a girl wearing a darling hat (I’m in to hats) and demands that he see the great and powerful Oz. She radios for someone to find Chris Harrison stat. Our Host is cutting up with the intern when Jake runs up behind him.

Jake: “Chris. I need some advice.”
OHCH: “I’d re-think that tie man. Too busy for national television.”

Jake: “There are a couple of women…what would you do…and you KNOW that it should only be one girl…but there are two in my opinion…and I feel that my heart is on my sleeve…but wings of love says that I should lift them up in the sky…and I’m getting very itching because of the sand…so I don’t know…”

OHCH: “Dude. Calm down. You aren’t making sense. What are you asking? Are you hurt or are you injured?”

Jake: “Iwannaknowifihavetogiveouttworosesattonightsceremony?”

OHCH: “I respect that you are here to find a wife. The fact that you already sent two home this week speaks volumes. Just so we are clear, there are two girls in there who are not your wife and you only want to hand out one more rose?”

Jake: “Yes.”

OHCH: “We’re going to need you to sign that in blood on this document. There are colored tabs to help you. Here…let me prick your finger. Then I’ll prick mine and we’ll be blood brothers!”

Jake: “I’m not sure I like the idea of exchanging…”

OHCH: “I’m kidding. Lighten up Jake. Ladies! Pardon the interruption. These rose ceremonies are tough I know. Jake is here for one reason. And that’s to find a best friend who he later makes his wife. Every rose he hands out, he hands to a woman who might be said wife. Because of this, he’s asked me to take away one of his roses tonight. Which means, TWO of you will be going home. Are you certain Jake?”

Jake: “Yes sir.”

Our Host holds the rose over a candle flame so they can watch it BURN.

OHCH: “Ladies…THIS is the final rose.”

Jake musters up some tears and gives it to Vienna. Ashleigh and Jessie are just dumbfounded. Jake is crying. Tenley is crying. Ali is seething. No one is hugging Vienna.

Jessie is the first to leave.

Jake: “You are absolutely amazing. You have a beautiful heart. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your advice. I heard every word you said. And then I waved as it passed me by.”

Ali wonders how he can look at Vienna and think she might be is future BLEEPING wife?

Ashleigh is shocked at the announcement of her departure.

Ashleigh: “Are you BLEEPING kidding me? Vienna over me? As his wife? That’s awesome. If he can’t see that, I BLEEPING pity him. There’s a reason why no one is friends with that little BLEEP. I was the most compatible and the most mature with a plaid blanket as a coat. Please. BLEEP. Spare me.”

Next week, we learn that it’s not about sex appeal. It’s about heart appeal.

Someone better bring the paddles because I might need a jump start next week!

All about the shame, not the fame,

Lincee