iHateGreenBeans

The opening of last night’s episode promised us petty fights, revealed truths and hurt feelings. Several themes popped up over and over throughout the two hour ordeal. For instance, the words “chopping block” and “target on my back” and some derivative of the word “ass” were uttered no less than 243 times. A collective total of 17 minutes was dedicated to someone crying either in a broom closet or bathtub. And Wes Hayden is neither acting like a douchebag nor a country and western opening act.

Welcome back to the Bachelor Pad.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone on your Twitter account happens to personally know, sort of know, friends with the nephew/former classmate of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying New Moon on DVD or have a Jazzercize instructor that looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

We begin with the contestants slowly making their way inside from the glistening rose ceremony driveway for the producer-mandated post-mortem session. All gather around as the ABC intern passes out more alcoholic beverages. Crazy Dave knocks back a shot of tequila, Natalie opts for an entire bottle of bourbon, Tenley cuddles up to her warm glass of whole milk and Jesse B. nips some moonshine from the flask his granddaddy gave him on his thirteenth birthday. The others guzzle their champagne in awkward silence.

After confessing to the camera that he thinks Gia is definitely worth exploring the possibility of being the inspiration for another tattoo but not in a “guard and protect your heart” kind of way, Wes finally speaks:

Wes: “Can we stop bending over and blowing smoke up everyone’s asses?”

No one knows what he’s talking about except Jesse B, who has literally been on the giving and receiving end of this exact endeavor on more than one occasion in Peculiar, Missouri.

Crazy David: “Dude. We have to send someone home, jackass.”
Wes: “Why are you calling me a jackass?”

Crazy: “Because it’s a stupid statement, jackass.”
Wes: “Don’t call me a jackass.”

Crazy: “Or what?”
Wes: “Or what? OR WHAT?”

Crazy: “We have to vote someone off. DUH.”

Crazy Dave storms off. The ABC Psychotherapist secretly applauds herself for slipping a little St. John’s Wort into Dave’s morning protein shake. Natalie defends her secret boyfriend by reminding us that this competition is all about relationship building and that Wes has officially been given an invitation to the chopping block courtesy of the Plastics.

Wes tells Jesse B. that Dave is a disrespectful bully. He’s all bark and no bite. He thinks that Dave needs to have his arse whipped. Jesse tells Wes that he’s pretty sure he saw a whip in Natalie luggage if he is serious.

Just as everyone is about to head to the kitchen to take two aspirin, the door bell rings. Nikki and her boobs return from the foyer with a big basket full of clip boards and a box of pens.

Nikki and her boobs: “Please complete the attached survey alone and keep your answers confidential.”

Tenley immediately begins crying. Krisily explains that the questions are all about what the housemates think of each other. They are straight up awkward and inappropriate and it’s going to get nasty when the answers are revealed.

Let’s take a moment and pause at the brilliance of this competition, shall we? After a grueling rose ceremony where emotions are raw, cases and cases of alcohol have been consumed and the fact that it’s more than likely three o’clock in the morning, I’m glad to know that the Bachelor Pad producers chose to introduce this survey when our contestants are well-rested with all their faculties firing sharp and precise accuracies.

My hat’s off to you Mike Fleiss. You’re dirty and gross, but definitely inspired.

Truth or…Truth
The next morning is intense. Crazy Dave and Natalie work to get Wes out of the house. Mourning his foul-mouthed guidette, Wes takes some time to reflect life, love and other mysteries in the hot tub. You can almost see the wheels in his head turning as he mentally composes his next big hit:

“They say don’t be alone in a hot tub
In nothing but your underwear
But you are with me in spirit
I’m your modern day Shakespeare”

There will be a steel guitar and fiddle in the chorus. He will title it “GIA.” Although the ballad will not appear on the Billboard charts in Chihuahua, Mexico, it will be very big in Sicily.

Melissa enters the mansion looking professional and just shy of an eating disorder. She encourages the contestants to follow her outside where benches and miniature dry erase boards have been set out for everyone. Harrison, looking eager in a gray Henley, greets the group with a dazzling smile.

OHCH: “Getting today’s rose is easy. Just tell the truth. Remember last night when you filled out a questionnaire?”

Indeed, half of the group does not remember filling out said questionnaire.

OHCH: “When Melissa asks a question, I’m going to try and hold it together and not laugh or point as you guys figure out what the MAJORITY vote would be to that particular question. If you get it right, you get a point. First to four points wins. Comprende?”

When they are not squinting from the sun, most of the contestants look nervous, except for Tenley who is already crying.

Melissa: “Who do most of you believe is going to win?”
It’s almost Kip across the board. Naturally, he was the correct answer. For the 74th time of the night, Kip tells us that he’s flattered, but feels like there is a big target on his back now.

Melissa: “Who is your biggest enemy?”
Wes answers Dave. Dave answers, “Wes sucks.” And the rest of the group answers Krisily.

Melissa: “Who is the most shallow?”
It’s a tie between Krisily and Elizabeth, but Elizabeth was the winner with an amazing acceptance speech: “I don’t consider myself shallow. I don’t know what that means.”

Melissa: “Who is the dumbest?”
The guys voted Natalie all the way across the board. Even Natalie voted for herself. She fake giggles and tells Harrison that she’s happy she got the point.

OHCH: “Au contraire mon frère. We haven’t revealed the resident dingbat yet. That honor goes to Gwen.”

With this news, it is revealed that Princess Tenley was the first to reach four points and therefore wins the competition and the love of all the people in the land.

Tenley: “I’m so excited, yet my heart hurts. The way I won was by putting someone down and that’s not nice.”

Tenley retreats to the kitchen with her woodland friends to bake everyone a pie when she’s not washing, mending and ironing their clothes or scrubbing the floors.

The rose for the men is still up for grabs.

Melissa: “Who do you secretly have a crush on?”
Each guy voted for Dave, including Dave. I totally am not getting the attraction.

Melissa: “Who will be a bridesmaid and never a bride?”
Each guy votes for Natalie. She looks devastated that her secret boyfriend would vote for her. She tries to hold it together. She looks even more hurt when her secret boyfriend thanks her during his moment of triumph.

Wes: “Natalie likes to party. She’ll have to find a guy who can hang with that lifestyle.”

At this point, Jesse B, Kovacs and Dave are tied.

Melissa: “Who is considered to be the biggest jerk?”
Jesse B writes his answer in record time. The peanut gallery reveals two votes for Dave and two votes for Wes. The correct answer? Wes.

Unfortunately, Wes was the only one who didn’t see that coming. I myself was a bit shocked, but again—this is a land where girls crush on Dave. I’m clearly not drinking their Kool-Aid. Kovacs and Jesse both have four points. It’s a tie breaker!

Melissa: “Who has the worst boob job?”

Let the record show that Harrison’s face was AWESOME during this question. Kovacs pays no attention and begins studying the rack of all the girls across from him. He knows that he should write about Elizabeth’s botched boob job, but if he writes her name down, she would be mad. However, he could win the rose and save them both for the next round.

Decisions are the worst.

Kovacs chooses Krisily. Jesse chooses Elizabeth and demands that Harrison gives him the rose before we even know that Elizabeth is indeed the winner.

Kovacs: “I blew it. I want to win, but I understand that there are other things in life that are important. Like relationships. And my balls. They last a lot longer than money.”

Harrison congratulates Tenley and Jesse for the win and explains that they will both have a one-on-one date where they can choose to extend a rose or not. Everyone waits for their dismissal and the crowd rushes to different hiding places in the mansion. Wes heads back to the hot tub, strips down to his grey boxer briefs and starts thinking of words that rhyme with Gia. Krisily mopes in her bed. Nikki tells her troubles to her best friend in the mirror. Elizabeth searches for an empty broom closet and settles for a butler’s pantry. Kovacs searches for Elizabeth. Dave is jazzed that he’s the house crush and tells Peyton that all the girls are crying in the house. The ever-normal Peyton says, “really?” and finishes her thumb wrestling match with Jesse B. Crickets chirp when Ashley’s face is on the screen and Natalie finds sanctuary behind the shower curtain and is ticked with Gwen and the ABC camera man wiggle in to share the space.

Natalie: “Guys think I’m a flirt. But I put that stereotype on myself. I never want commitment or relationships. I don’t want to be hurt or vulnerable. I want to be a great wife and mom. I just need to find someone who is open to who I am and knock off this stereotype.”

Thank you for watching ABC’s Back to School Special: The Natalie Getz Story – How I Turned Down the Booze and Turned Up the Charm to Land a Man.

We now return to your regularly scheduled program.

David admits to the camera that he feels bad that Natalie is upset.

Dave: “It’s bad that I can’t talk to her because of the huge target on my back. But Natalie is great. She’s fun, athletic and we are in a relationship. But seriously…why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”

Tenley overhears the conversation and brings a confused Dave a glass of warm milk and a flower she picked from the meadow out back.

Meanwhile, the camera follows Kovacs knocking on every door in the mansion until he finds Elizabeth crying in the pantry with a green dish towel over her face.

Kovacs: “Don’t take it personally Elizabeth. Everyone just had to put an answer down. You are not shallow.”
Elizabeth: “I’m crying because everyone thinks my boobs are awful you idiot! I know I’m not shallow!”

Kovacs: “Your boobs are fabulous. They feel like perky tennis balls. Sure on cold days, one points northeast and the other northwest, but at least they are pointing north! Seriously. Those other girls are jealous of your looks and personality. Their envy makes you an obvious choice.”

Kovacs admits to the camera that seeing Elizabeth so upset broke his heart. He knows that he cares about her now. He wants her to know she has nothing to feel insecure about. He came to win money, but now he just wants to leave a better person.

Suddenly, the there is a knock on the door and Tenley skips out to fetch the date card. She leaves the podium.

One-On-One Date One
Tenley and Kip
Get Ready For An Island Escape For Two

Tenley tells the group that it was a hard decision for her to not tell Kip earlier in the day when she won the contest that she was going to choose him as her date. She agrees to leave all talking woodland creatures in the cupboard beside her bed and focus strictly on Kip for the next 12 hours.

Tenley pirouettes out to the waiting limo in her white shorty shorts fluttering her false eyelashes. They pair spot a helicopter and embrace, hug and twirl when they find they are going to Catalina for their date. Tenley talks about taking a leap of faith with Kip.

Of course we all expected bungee jumping with that intro, but instead with get zip lining. Alas, we have to suffer through just a few more life imitating art phrases:

With Kip here, I have the courage to leap.
Zip lining is like our relationship…you leave everything behind, lean forward and just go for it.
Flying through the trees reminded me that our relationship is going to new heights.

And then there was silence. I literally had to mute the television because the sound that issued forth from Tenley’s vocal chords as she flung down the line will always haunt me. It was like a baby giraffe screaming. “Baby” being the operative word.

I turn up the volume on my TV when I see Kip’s hand on Tenley’s thigh as they drink wine on a cliff.

Kip: “There is a lot of pressure that comes with this game, but for the first time, I’m not thinking.”
Tenley: “I’m glad you aren’t thinking. We need to have a good time and just feel.”

Kip lets her feel his tongue down her throat. She pulls away, winks at the tiny red crab at the edge of the water and breaks out in spontaneous song:

“I don’t know when
I don’t know how
But I know something’s starting right now!
Watch and you’ll see
Someday I’ll be
Part of your…WORLD!”

Kip misunderstood the end of her song and tells the camera that he is also ready to rock Tenley’s world in the fantasy suite.

Later that night, Tenley tells the random deer walking along on the beach to run along to the forest so she can have some alone time with her Prince. Kip admits that he has been keeping her at arm’s length, but now he’s ready to explore something more. Something he’s only dreamed about.

Tenley: “Oh Kip. A dream…is a wish…your heart makes…”

Kip shuts her up with some good old fashioned kissing. It’s time to give him the date rose, which is like proposing in fairy tale land. Tenley musters up her best baby talk voice and asks him to accept the rose…her heart…so they can live happily ever after. Kip accepts and waits patiently for the booty card to make an appearance.

Tenley reads the forgo date card and asks Kip if he would like to join her. He said that the idea sounds perfect.

Tenley: “I haven’t been with a man since Jake broke my heart. I’m ready to open up again.”

Too easy. Not going to go there.

Kip escorts Tenley to the forgo card fantasy suite. He’s secretly relieved that the gerbils following Tenley around are just friends of hers. He knew he wanted to take it to the next level, but there are some lines that need to be drawn.

The next morning, Tenley is excited to share with all the people in the land that she is dating Prince Charming. Kip puts the kibosh on that thought instantly.

Kip: “Look. We’re going to have to put our game face on.”
Tenley: “But today is a whole new world! There are a hundred thousand things to see. I’m like a shooting star! I’ve come so far! I can’t go back to where I used to be…take it away Kip!”

Kip: “Calm down Tenderella. We have to keep this under wraps.”
Tenley: “But it’s soooooooo hhhhhhaaaaaaarrrrrrrddd.”

Kip: “That’s what she said. Now come on!”

Tenley immediately begins crying because she has to keep her love for Prince Charming a secret. Dave can see right through it and high fives Kip for sealing the deal.

One-On-One Date Two
Jesse and Peyton
The Sky’s The Limit

Jesse is ready for his second one-on-one date with Peyton. Peyton is ready to build on what they started in the fantasy suite (read: guest bedroom) a few days before. They drive to an airplane hanger where an old black and white biplane is waiting to take them to new heights.

Jesse is like a kid in a candy store. He wants to barrel role. He wants to fly upside down. He wants to fight the Red Baron. Peyton thinks this is endearing.

During their moderate date in the airplane hanger because ABC’s entire budget was spent on helicopters, zip lining and fantasy suites for the Plastics on Catalina Island, Peyton learns that Jesse’s favorite foods are steak and potatoes. She reveals that she would choose something like funnel cake and corny dogs.

Jesse finds this very attractive because that’s exactly what they serve each October at Western Days in Peculiar in which dozens of men from surrounding counties come and re-enact the Civil War Battle of Boonville. (Or is that just Hallsville?)

In fact, he’s so impressed with Peyton that he gives her the rose early in the date. Peyton is so happy, she makes Jesse a martini. Just as she is about to suggest they discuss the US combat mission in Iraq, Jesse takes control of the conversation and steers it in an interesting direction.

By burping in her face.

I have to say, for the next 10 minutes, I didn’t take a single note. I was mesmerized by this confusing interchange as much as I am still mesmerized by Jennifer Grey’s nose. Sure nobody puts Baby in a corner anymore. Because they’d bet their life savings that Jennifer Grey is not Baby!

I digress.

I rewound my DVR and started again. Yep. It appears that Jesse has no problem belching and blowing the remnants of said belch when Peyton is sitting right there trying to be romantic.

Peyton: “You are too cute to burp in a girl’s face.”
Jesse: “You expect me to keep it bottled in?”

Peyton: “Um. YES I DO.”
Jesse: “You’re eyes are so awesome.”

Peyton softens a little and is ready to forgive and forget.

Jesse: “They are the reason you are on this date tonight.”

He laughs at himself and chews a chimichanga with his mouth wide open before sticking his own finger up Peyton’s nose. Peyton freaks out, looks at Jesse as if he is on crack and sips her martini. Jesse makes fun of her. Peyton reminds him that you do not chug a martini and Jesse wonders aloud who in their right mind would drink a martini when there is good beer to be consumed? Since there is no beer or Slurpee machine, he plays his own version of suicide and pours vodka in with his champagne.

Peyton: “I think Jesse’s true personality is finally coming out. He stuck his dirty finger up my nose. Who does that? I’ve always been a guy’s girl, but we were on a date. I want to feel special. Jesse is treating me like a little sister and that makes me want to treat him like a brother. It’s not romantic at all. I hope he doesn’t throw up on me tonight.”

Jesse tells Peyton that he’s having the best date of his life. Then he pulls her hair and kicks her in the shin. Peyton knows that she has to keep her head in the game, but when the forgo fantasy card date arrives, she just can’t force herself to go back to the guest bedroom at the mansion and stay with Jesse. Jesse appears somewhat disappointed. He decides to shoot paper wads in Peyton’s hair the entire ride home.

Dave: “No girl wants to date a sarcastic little brother figure who throws rocks and pulls her hair. It’s like mixing champagne and vodka.”

After sitting through six minutes of the Dancing with the Stars press conference to learn this season’s cast of characters, we find Tenley sneaking kisses under the cabana with Kip. Then they discuss which girl will be voted off the island—Krisily or Gwen. Inside, Krisily is the ring-tail leader of sending Kovacs home. Nikki’s boobs, Gwen and What’s-Her-Face agree. One of the couples is going down tonight!

Kovacs shows Dave the target on his back and admits that there is nothing Dave can do to keep him safe. Dave decides to take matters into his own hands and sweet talk one of the girls into coming over to the dark side. Surely his title of “House Crush” will allow him to woo the weakest link. He storms off to hunt for the injured gazelle.

Inside, Wes is trying to figure out a way to stay at the house. After shooting himself in the foot practically lecturing anyone who would listen that the couples need to be broken, he compares the task he has before him as a job. He laments that some people came here just to party. But this is hard work that needs to be taken seriously.

For the first time this season, we see Wes in a legitimate suit. He comments on how sexy Krisily looks and chooses to not mention how Gwen’s neck appears to be weighed down by a rather ginormous turquoise necklace. Harrison enters to room and a hush falls over the crowd as he clinks the champagne glass.

It’s time to vote.

Gwen, What’s Her Face, Nikki and Nikki’s boobs all decide to stick with the plan and vote for Kovacs. Tenley, Natalie, Elizabeth and Elizabeth’s wonky boobs vote for Wes Hayden.

That leaves one person. Krisily. The wounded, weak gazelle. Crazy Dave squirts some Axe on his juiced out pecs, pops a spearmint Tic Tac and goes in for the kill. Somehow, he convinces Krisily that the Plastics have talked and because she is super honest and speaks her mind in a way that is not annoying or emasculating at all, they are going to let her be a Junior Plastic. He will make sure that Gwen is voted off if she keeps Kovacs around. She immediately takes off her hoop earrings and promises to wear pink the next day. He gives her a token peck on the cheek and heads off to find his bros.

Dave: “Good news bros. Krisily is keeping Kovacs.”
Kovacs: “Awesome. So we vote for Gwen and we are all here to see another day.”
Kip: “I like Gwen. She hasn’t ever done anything to me. I can’t in good conscious vote her off and be okay with myself before when I wake up in the morning?”

Kovacs assumes Tenley’s essence has literally rubbed off on Kip and begins pacing in agitation. Crazy Dave breathes in through the nose and out the mouth and offers to vote however Kip wants…as long as they all vote together.

The group puts on their rain boots and sloshes out to the freshly sprayed driveway. Harrison reminds us that Tenley, Peyton, Kiptyn and Jesse all have roses. The remaining go to:

Natalie
What’s Her Face
David
Nikki
Elizabeth
Gwen
Kovacs

OHCH: “Krisily. I assume you have something you’d like to say?”
Krisily: “I’m not going to cry if that’s what you mean. I am just angry. I put faith in people that weren’t there for me. I’ve been nothing but honest and no one is honest with me.”

Wes and Jesse take great pride in announcing that they didn’t vote for Krisily.

Krisily: “I wish good look for anyone who is not Kovacs, Elizabeth, Kiptyn or Tenley. They will be the final four and no one has the guts to separate you guys.”

Said the girl who moments ago voted for Kovacs.

Krisily storms off to her limo, flipping everyone off through the sun roof. Wes leaves with a little bit of class, without a mention that he had/has a girlfriend back home this time as he leaves the Bachelor premise.

Wes: “I chose to separate myself. All the cool kids wanted to party. I was real up front from the beginning that we needed to get rid of couples. Nobody listened. I bet Krisily voted for me, because she thought they had their backs. Oh well.”

Question: Do we feel comfortable raising our children and future children in a world where Wes Hayden is right?

Next week, ABC makes room for Dancing With the Stars and forces The Bachelor Pad to vote off three people at the next rose ceremony. There is good news though. If I’m not mistaken, we could have our first sighting of Kip’s abs! FINALLY!

All about the shame, not the fame,

Lincee

The recap will be up as soon as I write down every Disney Princess movie line I have memorized so I can work it into the recap during Tenley’s date with Kip. I may have to throw in a few YouTube clips for good measure.

As always, feel free to discuss in the comment section.  I’ll give you a few topics:  Natalie crying, Elizabeth crying, Nikki crying, Tenley crying and Wes Hayden making sense?  And why are we in week four and still have not seen Kip’s abs?  ARE YOU KIDDING ME ABC?

Community kissing, fantasy suites, a few hundred f-bombs, a serenade by He Who Must Not Be Named and 10 minutes of “alone time” in the bathroom for the Weatherman.

Everyone raise your shot glass full of Listerine in order to prepare yourself for episode three of the Bachelor Pad.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone on your Twitter account happens to personally know, sort of know, friends with the nephew/former classmate of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying New Moon on DVD or have a Jazzercize instructor that looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

I don’t know about you, but I’m loving the new format in which each episode begins with the contestants traipsing in from the glistening driveway where the rose ceremony has just taken place from the week before. Emotions are on overdrive. Feelings have been hurt. Gia asks Nikki to please pull the f-ing knife from her back. Natalie finally notices that she’s wearing a florescent pink tutu and gives herself fashion props for pulling it off and celebrates by finishing off Petyton and Gwen’s champagne. Angry Dave’s eyes bug out a little more than usual. Tenley, feeling the building tension that is about to explode around her, removes the bluebird from her shoulder and instructs him to ask the ABC intern to provide spoonfuls of sugar to everyone in order to help the big dose of bitter medicine go down.

Immediately, Gia decides that honesty is the best policy and announces to the group that her crew was going to vote f-ing Kip off because it wasn’t a fair game with all the couples. Then she outed Nikki as the f-ing traitor.

Nikki counters Gia. Big mistake. Doesn’t she realize that her Daddy and his Guido friends could have her sleepin’ with the fishes by dawn? Gia makes Nikki cry, makes Kovacs breathe a sigh of relief that he gave his balls to Elizabeth and bores Natalie so much that she gets up to go pass out somewhere soft during the crescendo of Gia’s speech.

Kovacs gets the okay from Elizabeth to tell the viewing audience that Gia is officially on the chopping block. Gia knows that the only way she can stay is to win the next competition.

All the Bachelor Pad Contestants Sitting in a Tree…
Providing evidence of the old adage that “real men wear pink,” Our Host Chris Harrison clocks in his first 30-minute stint, promising himself that he will stick around until the Weatherman both gives and receives this challenge. Then it’s off to a luxury resort hotel in Santa Monica for tanning and a light workout on the beach in prep for Sunday’s 62nd Primetime Emmy Awards where he will be hosting the red carpet for TV Guide and secretly hoping his drinking buddy Jeff Probst will win in the reality hosting category.

OHCH: “Good morning. As you know, on this show everybody has a chance to find love. And win money. Nobody here is safe unless you have a rose. Did everyone brush and rinse this morning?”

Melissa: “WE ARE GOING TO HAVE A KISSING COMPETITION!”
OHCH: “Dude. That was my favorite part.”

Melissa: “Sorry. Okay everyone. Here’s how it goes. The girls get blind folded and then are kissed by every guy. Then they vote on the best kiss. The guy with the most votes wins! Then we switch and the guys get blind folded and they vote. Everyone got it? Who needs a breath mint?”

Gia immediately begins f-ing crying. In case you didn’t know, she has an f-ing boyfriend. But she is willing to do this because she has to win the competition to stay safe.

Angry Dave begins doing some weird tongue exercises.

Weatherman asks the ABC intern to find him an apple crate.

Tenley squirts some Febreeze on her tank top to mask the smell of woodland creature.

Natalie tells the camera that she’d make out with all the boys, including the crew, for 20 bucks.

That sounds about right.

A few moments later, Gia shares with the girls: “I have a f-ing boyfriend at home that I have to worry about. There’s huge f-ing target on my back. This isn’t fair.” Then she dissolves into f-ing tears.

Natalie: “Why would her boyfriend be pissed off? She knew she was coming on a show that would have romantic competitions. It’s completely fair. Just get over it and make out.”

The honesty is refreshing, no?

Melissa escorts Elizabeth to the courtyard. She admits that she is excited to kiss all of the boys except the Weatherman. Wes is the first to step up. She’s startled when he grabs her face, then he lays one on her. She “mmmmm’s” him the entire time. Next up is Crazy Dave. She is startled again. She “mmmmm’s” him too.

In fact, Elizabeth is startled every time and makes hungry noises with each kiss. She admits she had sparks with number four (Kovacs) and that her chills were multiplying.

But then number five moved forward, put his apple crate down and stepped up to meet this challenge head on…face to face…lip to lip.

Cue the awkward oboe music.

Poor Weatherman. We remember his lack of skill during Ali’s season when he was forced to make out with her in a library on camera. As you recall, he uttered some sort of animal noise before landing somewhere near her jaw line. I have to admit that this attempt was better.

Poor Peyton and Gwen get a short montage of boring video. Story of their lives. Gia gets little peck kisses from guys 3-6 because she jerked her head away from Wes and Angry Dave. And Ashley is up next.

Who’s Ashley? I know. I forget too. She was the one during Jake’s season who wore a stewardess costume. Remember that? She sauntered around with a martini in her hand and an ABC modesty patch on her nether regions because her private runway was showing most of the night? Sweet, innocent Ashley decides that she is going to pull herself from the competition because she doesn’t want to lose the respect of her students.

Honey. That line has already been crossed. I’d be willing to bet Natalie’s 20 bucks that your students have already created a drinking game in your honor. The stoner kid in your fourth period class has you streaking through the quad by episode four. You are so far away from the line that it is a dot to you my friend.

Natalie, Nikki and Krisily agree that number two was wonderful. Natalie said he was aggressive and that’s the way she likes it. Nikki said that he had the best approach and Krisily wants to marry the man on the other side of those lips.

Tenley asks Our Host Chris Harrison if she could lay down and pretend she was asleep for her kiss. He asks if she would rather prick her finger on a spinning wheel first. She thinks about it, notices his cocked eyebrow and realizes he is just being silly ole Harrison. She giggles and laughs through the entire process. I think she was nervous because some of the boys stuck their tongue in her mouth.

Tenley: “It was so strange. Two kisses go by and I don’t even remember them. But then—number three—he grabbed me and he kissed me good. Then I found out that number three was Kip! It was our first kiss and I remembered it! We will be married in front of everyone in the land as soon as he finds my glass slipper.”

Next up are the boys.

Jesse B. is first. Tenley gives it her all. Natalie goes for broke. Gia gives a small little peck. Peyton is gentle. Krisily uses a lot of tongue. And Elizabeth attacks and makes that hungry noise again.

Almost immediately, Gia gets weirded out by seeing Elizabeth unhinge her jaw and swallow Jesse whole. She had no idea that everyone would turn into f-ing porn stars during this challenge. She heads over to Our Host and says that she wants to drop out of the competition.

Harrison puts his Ph.D. in Psychology he earned online from the University of Phoenix to good use by first and foremost listening with somewhat of a sincere interest. He pats Gia on the head, instructs her to grab a Kleenex and sends the camera in to shoot her sobbing on Wes Hayden’s bunk bed.

Cue the oboe music because here comes the Weatherman.

Tenley, Nikki, Gwen, Peyton and Krisily keep it simple. Natalie envisions Crazy Dave (Weatherman does the same) and begins licking every inch of Weatherman’s face. It lasts so long that Harrison has to “thank” Natalie for her time. She wipes the spit from her face, confident that she just put the MAN in Weatherman. Elizabeth takes a different approach…one of a lap dancer…and rubs all over him as she makes out. A confused Weatherman requests some alone time with nothing but a Maxim and Sports Illustrated. He has some thinking to do.

Next up is Wes Hayden.

Wes: “I’m a gramophone. It makes me sick just thinking about kissing all those girls. The first one was sloppy. The second was violent. Seven was nice and gentle. And dry. I don’t like when they go in for the kill and attack. It doesn’t turn me on in the slightest. Unless I’m hammered.”

My thoughts exactly.

Harrison announces that Crazy Dave and Peyton were the best kissers in the house. Dave is, of course, not surprised by this news. And Peyton is thrilled that her gentle strategy has kept her safe from elimination.

Almost immediately, Tenley hears the doorbell chime and rushes to the front door expecting someone from the royal court with an invitation to the ball. Alas, it is the date card. She leaves the podium in the front yard and dances back into the living room, careful to not trip over the sweet chipmunks at her feet, and delivers the card to Crazy Dave.

Group Date One
What Happens in Vegas, Stays in Vegas
Crazy Dave
Nikki
Krisily
Natalie

ABC finally decides to spend a little cash and send these “winners” on a real date. Even though they’ve scored a private jet and resort, Natalie says that going to Vegas with Nikki is like going with your grandma. But she is bound and determined to have a good time no matter what. Grace, dignity and swimsuit tops…BE GONE! This is the Bachelor Pad and she is going to do whatever or whoever she has to do to win.

Crazy Dave takes the girls to a new club at the Mirage called Bare. It’s topless. Any guesses on who doesn’t have a problem with this development?

Nikki looks like she would rather be anywhere else but in Vegas. Her boobs tell a different story. They look right at home. Krisily confesses, again, her love for Crazy Dave’s kisses and hopes that there is another one in the near future. Dave just wants to get the two duds to commit to the Plastics so he can get down and dirty with Tits McGee who has now taken to bounding from poolside lawn chair to poolside lawn chair with reckless abandon.

Dave: “Is she drunk already?”
Krisily: “Maybe. A little bit.”

Stay classy Natalie.

Naturally, David is a bit distracted and Krisily is slowly missing her chance to seduce him into kissing her again. He asks Krisily to join him in the hot tub with Tits and Nikki. Then they group hug. Awkward.

Our next stop is a posh penthouse. Nikki is wearing a serious turquoise necklace to accentuate her boobs. And what is this? Krisily is busting out too! The ladies have come to play! Within seconds of arriving, Crazy Dave spots a card with his name on it. It’s that time. He must choose who stays…and who goes IMMEDIATELY.

Crazy Dave had Nikki and Krisily in the back of the limo before they could hear Natalie suggest they have a pillow fight in their underwear. Apparently, what happens in Vegas…doesn’t include Nikki and Krisily.

Dave tells the camera that he and Natalie have never crossed the friendship line. But he felt there was heat during the kissing contest. As if sent by Chris Harrison himself, a waiter brings a secret note. Low and behold, it’s a forego card! Should they choose to forego their individual suites, they are welcome to stay as a couple…

And then they were gone. The camera guy caught about 14 seconds of horizontal mambo before Crazy Dave gets up and shuts the door in our face.

For those of you playing your own version of Fantasy Bachelor Pad, I’m going to go ahead and assume that lines were crossed and things were taken to the next level with these two. Congrats on those who had Natalie putting out on week three!

The next morning, Natalie bounds in the kitchen with Dave closely following looking a lot like Kevin Federline: the Britney Years. Natalie immediately tells the camera that she and Dave are a couple but are going to keep it to themselves. This will quickly unravel the moment Natalie gets drunk enough and announces the union to whomever is holding her hair back while she’s throwing up. And I would be willing to bet that Dave shares the news with his bromance buddies sooner rather than later.

Group Date Two
Gentlemen…Start Your Engines
Peyton
Kovacs
Kip
Jesse B

Peyton makes an interesting choice in her date selections. She admits that picking sides didn’t get her anywhere the week before and has decided that she’s just going to have an awesome time with the other girls’ boy toys.

Tenley is upset that Peyton picked her Prince Charming to accompany her to the ball. She decides that it’s time to spice things up and surprise Kip with some spontaneous cuddling. She wiggles her way into his bunk bed and begins whispering in baby talk, “Does it bother you if I lay here?”

Kip: “I woke up to find Tenley in my bed. But it puts a target on my back. I’m trying to be a bit refrained. I don’t want to put fuel on the fire. Besides, it creeps me out that that at any time, a baby deer, floppy ear bunny or bluebirds may show up at any time. And it doesn’t seem to bother her! That’s just weird!”

Tenley gets a clue and melts out of Kip’s bed with a forlorn look on her face. Even the woodland creatures can’t cheer her up. Natalie finds her scrubbing the floors and singing to the bubbles and asks her what’s up. She admits that she put herself out there to Kip but was rejected. She now knows what it feels like to be an ugly step sister.

Back inside, Peyton is excited to have some fun with the boys. They arrive at a drag strip and the testosterone level jumps as Peyton explains that they will be driving and eating tacos from a stand-alone cart in the parking lot. Awesome!

Kovacs wonders if he’ll say something inappropriate that will get back to Elizabeth. Kip is sad that he hurt Tenley’s feelings. And Jesse B. is getting nostalgic because this drag strip looks a little like the one back home in Peculiar.

Peyton gets a taco with Kip and asks him what’s the deal with Tenley.

Kip: “We are not dating.”
Peyton: “Funny. She thinks you are practically married. I need to know where you stand.”

Kip: “I don’t think we would gel. Everyone thinks we are together, so it really doesn’t matter. I’m glad you took the time to bring me out here and get to know me better.”

Later, Peyton shares some awesome champagne with Kovacs on the hood of the drag strip car. She knows he has an in with the Plastic guys and would be a great person to have on your side. If his balls were attached, with they are not. They clearly reside in a Mason jar beside Elizabeth’s bunk bed. Totally awesome.

Finally, she shares a picnic with Jesse Beck who tells her she is an awesome chick. Finally! Someone who speaks Peyton’s language! Awesome is totally waaaayyy better than rad Natalie or cool Gia.

Jesse: “Natalie was so welcoming. She was giving me attention. She’s not the kind of girl I’m looking for. Not even a little bit. I want someone who I can have fun with. How do you feel about taking your top off?”
Peyton: “Won’t Natalie be jealous of this situation?”

Jesse: “I’m not worried about it. I don’t want you to catch heat for it. If you’re up for it, I am.”

They make out on the grass while Kip and Kovacs cry in their nachos that they are again in danger of getting kicked off if they don’t get the date rose.

Peyton: “Guys. This night has been totally awesome. Kip…you are awesome. Kovacs…I think you are awesome. But the awesomest of all is Jesse Beck and he gets the rose. Now let’s burn rubber and get out of here!”

Speaking of rubber, Jesse Beck is so irritated that he snagged a few from Natalie’s bag before he left, but there is no overnight fantasy date. What a waste.

But alas! Harrison did not let Jesse Beck down! As the quartet reach the front door, there…sitting on a podium…is a forego card date with Peyton’s name on it. Her eyes grow Crazy Dave big as she decides if she should spend the night together in the makeshift fantasy suite (guest bedroom) with Jesse B.

She thinks it will be fun and Jesse leads her up the stairs through the daunting leather fringe barrier that keeps the riff raff away.

Peyton says he’s beautiful and she wants to snuggle. Jesse says she’s a great kisser and then slams the door in our face. Fortunately for the pervs in the audience, ABC has a secret camera and we see movement under the Bed Bath and Beyond duvet the ABC intern got on sale.

Awesome.

In an attempt to regain his manhood, Kovacs has a serious discussion with Elizabeth.

Kovacs: “From day one, I’ve been at a huge disadvantage. I’ve tried to make it up to other people, but it’s just not working.”
Elizabeth: “There’s a small part of me that likes that you are struggling.”

Kovacs: “Is there even a slight possibility that you can be consistent in this game?”
Elizabeth: “Yeah. Kiss my a$$ on elimination days and you are golden.”

Then she cackles like a crazy psycho person as Kovacs hums Helen Reddy’s 1987 feminist anthem “I Am Woman.”

On the other side of the pool, Gia is putting all her money on Wes Hayden to win the entire show.

Gia: “I want you to be the last f-ing guy here. Whatever you awe doing, just keep f-ing doing it.”
Wes: “That would give us enough money to have a nice vacation.”

Gia: “I’m out Wes Hayden. There ain’t no f-ing stopping it.”
Wes: “Even though we are not together, it’s nice to wake up and see you. I’m going to make sure someone else goes home.”

Gia: “You awe the sweetest.”

Enter guitar. Lord help me get through this.

With one strum of the G chord, my body begins convulsing with flashbacks of the 80 million times we heard this Chihuahuan anthem each week during Jillian’s season. Just as they are saying that love don’t come easy, the camera pans Gia’s face and she is eating it up. With a shovel.

Gia: “When I heeyah someone like Wes sing that sawng and see the passion in his eyes and how real he is and putting his heart out for the world to see? That f-ing touches me and makes me very vulnerable.”

Verse two. My eyes have begun to twitch.

Gia: “I’ve never heard a sawng where I listened to the lyrics and actually related. I look at this boy and wonder how he could write something so beautiful.”

Now my ears are bleeding.

Gia: “I’ve never met a person like that boy. He’s so f-ing talented. He’s like a mawdern day Shakespeayah…but hotter and better.”

I weep for the young people of this world.

Determined to keep Gia under his spell, Wes begins his campaign to break up the couples. He encourages Gia to convince Kip that he needs to vote Elizabeth off of the island. Gia summons her best baby talk voice…the one that gets her out of all the sticky situations with her father and his Guidos…and tells Kip that it wasn’t personal when she conspired to get him kicked off last week.

Our Host Chris Harrison, looking about one step below awesome, glides into the room to remind people to vote. He stirs up no drama this week and we are all a little sad.

The Plastics soon realize that Wes is trying to break them up. They are all ticked off because they haven’t done ANYTHING to him. Guess whose bunk is getting short sheeted tonight?

Elizabeth soon finds out that it is between her and Gia. She knows that if there is a tie, Crazy Dave (who holds the date rose) will vote for her to stay. Wes continues his strategy to get Elizabeth kicked off and tries to convince Crazy Dave that Kovacs is gone next week for sure. Dave exercises the skills he learned in his ABC-mandated anger management class he took after Jillian’s season, breathes in and out and chooses to walk away from Wes instead of punching him in the throat.

ABC tries to make us think that Kip is having a difficult time with being the swing vote as he looks at both Gia and Elizabeth’s pictures in the Pier One bureau room.

Rose Ceremony

Before Harrison barks out the remaining contestants, Gia points to her eye, her boob and then to Wes. She’s the only one who doesn’t look like she’s about to freeze. Melissa Rycroft is feeling good too, because the top of her gown was made out of Muppet hair. I hear they are pretty warm.

Roses go to:
Natalie
Peyton
David
Jesse b
Ashley
Kip
Tenley
Nikki
Gwen
Wes
Krisily
Kovacs

Harrison announces to the group that there is a tie between Elizabeth and Gia. Crazy Dave must choose the name of the woman he wants to SAVE in front of everyone.

Crazy Dave: “I was raised to think life is not always fair. It’s not fair that I’m in this position. I choose to keep Elizabeth around.”

No one notices the Weatherman high fiving Harrison and getting into the limo. Gia is telling everyone goodbye and tries to untangle herself from a Wes Hayden death grip. She calls him a sweethawt and tells him she loves him. Then she takes the target off her back and places it directly on his.

In scenes from next week, it looks as if we have a rousing game of TELL THE TRUTH that has all the girls in tears.

Of course, I can’t wait.

And if any of you are interested in the Fantasy Bachelor Pad rules, two of our IHGB readers have suggestions for you! Check out this link from Lindsay or the rules below from Ben.

All about the shame, not the fame,

Lincee

1. Each person wanting to play shows up and places his/her name in a hat.

2. The names are drawn to determine draft order (e.g. 1. Andrew 2. Courtney 3. Betsy and so forth).

3. In that order, we chose remaining contestants on the show and they become our “players” for the entire season.

4. Once we have our players (it will be an even number, those left over won’t be on anyone’s team), we will keep score with our players based on the players’ score on the show – so the object is to draft (select) the strongest cast member for your team.

5. Scoring will go like this:
If your cast member:
a. Wins the initial challenge – 7 pts
b. Is selected to go on the date – 3 pts.
c. Gets the rose while on the date – 4 pts.
d. Avoids elimination (isn’t voted off) 1 pt
e. Is kicked off the show for fighting, drugs or excessive drinking 5 pts.
g. Has confirmed (i.e. admits it on the show while on the show) sexual intercourse with another cast member 4 pts.
h. Advances to the final four – 5 pts
i. Advances to the final two – 6 pts
j. Wins the whole thing – 8 pts.
k. Rides in a helicopter at any time – 2 pts.
l. Attends a concert or musical performance with a burnt out band/singer shamelessly pushed by ABC/Disney – 1 pt
m. Exposes genitals or breasts (females only) intentionally – 1 pt per exposure event

The recap will be up as soon as I go buy some blue Listerine to rinse out my mouth.  Since I will be doing all of this blind folded, it may take a while.

In the meantime, feel free to discuss last night’s episode in the comment section.  I’ll go first:

I missed most of the kissing contest because I was rocking back and forth with my hands over my face, hiding behind a couch cushion, searching for the lost remote control or laughing hysterically.

Your turn.